


Butterflies

by Jamjar88



Category: Mother Love Bone, Pearl Jam
Genre: 1990s, 80s, 80s Music, 90's Music, Addiction, Angst, Band Fic, Coming of Age, F/M, Family, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friendship, Grunge, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, Music, Non-Linear Narrative, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Seattle, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:28:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 51
Words: 230,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26138887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamjar88/pseuds/Jamjar88
Summary: Sara, adrift in 1989 Seattle, is drawn into a musical underworld by her new friends. And when she falls for the guitarist in Seattle’s hottest band Mother Love Bone, things start to get more complicated than she could have imagined.
Relationships: Chris Cornell/Original Female Character, Eddie Vedder/Original Female Character(s), Jeff Ament/Original Female Character(s), Stone Gossard/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction; didn't happen. I don't own or know any of the people depicted.

##  **Seattle, 1989**

To start this story I have to go back to that night. I’d been in the city six months; five of those I’d been single, but I was still trying hard to fit in. I was running around with some girls from Capitol Hill at that time. They had rich parents who were never home - always in Europe, or skiing, or at some benefit. I was 19, working at a thrift store that a lot of them called “vintage”, as though the 10-year-old nylon dress monstrosities were treasures. I was eating a lot of ramen, living with a roommate I never saw because she was pulling shifts at a bar after her pre-law classes at UDub. All she’d wanted to know about me was - you do any drugs? (No.) You got a boyfriend? (No.) Would you say you’re pretty clean? (If she meant around the house, then yes. I learned from my mother, the best little housewife in east Ohio.)

I didn’t talk a lot to anyone, hated dealing with customers at the store because they interrupted my daydreaming. I wanted to be a writer but I didn’t have anything to write about yet, I percolated ideas all day long hoping one would stick. I went out three or four nights a week to parties, clubs, sometimes a show, but I was too shy to mingle. It was the same that night and I was sick of it, which was probably why everything from then on happened like it did.

I was moving through the club unsteadily, the ear-splitting thud of the PA drowning my ear-drums. The music was heavy and I’d taken something with the girls - half of something - and I felt every inch alive but out of myself, and it was a little scary. I felt like I was seeing people for the first time, noticing the details - the gleam of sweat on someone’s cheekbone catching the light just so, the smell of mingling perfumes and bodies, the way the bass shook the floor where you stood. For the first time I wasn’t deeply self conscious, messing with my hair and wondering if I was looking or acting right. I couldn’t find my friends but that was OK. I think it was a song by The Cult that was playing and I was obsessed with their record, ever since I’d seen a clip of their video in a Tower back in Cleveland I’d been fascinated by the English lilt of Ian Astbury’s voice and by the way they dressed like Victorian poets.

Just as I was beginning to sway to the music, finding a spot in the middle of the bodies where I could lose myself, I felt a yank on my arm and a voice close to my ear:

“Sara, come with me!” 

My eyes hazy, I saw Alicia, small and blonde in a cut-off Zeppelin t-shirt, her lips moving so fast, her blue eyes glassy. She was pulling me out of the bodies, talking all the time, I caught her saying “…super excited for you to meet him-“ _Oh no_. I tried to pull my hand away but her tiny grip was so tight, I could feel her sharp little nails digging into my palm, and I stopped resisting.

“I need water,” I said when we got to the door that led out of the main club to the bar area. It was smoky, dark and packed, there was a six-person-deep line for the bar. She just shook her long blonde hair irritably and kept pulling me, into a corner where a group were huddled, all long-haired and some wearing sunglasses inside (something I have always found ridiculous.) I scouted the little table for some water but all I could see was beer bottles and ashtrays.

“Sara - this is my friend Stoney!” 

She pushed me forward and I looked up at the tall guy who turned from his conversation with a guy with shoulder length blonde hair. 

“This is Sara, she’s kind of new.”

He was very good looking. He had thick brown hair that fell past his shoulders, cheekbones, big eyes. He looked like a male model, kind of bored and beautiful. He had on a shirt that said “Mother Love Bone”, it was a band name I’d heard a lot and seen around town on flyers.

“Hi,” I said. I saw him check me out briefly, wondered what he thought. I hadn’t made a big effort tonight, I was just wearing a long skirt, boots and a vest top. My favorite denim jacket was somewhere in the club, wait, where was it again? _No, focus_. He smiled a little coolly at me, just said, “Hey, I’m Stone” then returned to his conversation with the blonde guy. 

Alicia was undeterred.“And this is Bruce! What, you didn’t bring Jeff for me?” she said, smiling playfully at the blonde guy who self-consciously brushed back his hair from his face and grinned.

“Yeah, we told him you’d probably be there and honestly he’s still terrified of you, Leesh.” 

Both guys laughed and Alicia squealed and said, “ _No_! He loves me!”

My pleasant haze was wearing off, and I started to feel a little awkward standing there. I didn’t know what was up but it wasn’t like her cool friend was very interested in me. I shifted in my boots, thought again about getting some water. Alicia and the blonde guy - Bruce - were bantering about something and Stone had literally turned away from me to start a conversation with someone else. However, somehow my inebriated state must have removed my inhibitions because I realised I did not want to be given the cold shoulder or made to feel awkward one more fucking time in this rain-sodden Godforsaken city.

“So Mother Love Bone, huh?” I said. Stone stopped his conversation and looks at me, I continued- “By the way, you know you’re being kind of rude.” I saw a flash in his eyes at that, and it actually made me bolder. “Well, nice shirt. I hear they’re great.” 

I turned away, deciding to head for the bar. I made it to the edge of the line, fidgeted as I waited to get served, thinking more and more about water and how great it would be right now. That was when he appeared next to me.

“What was that?”

I frowned up at him. “Huh?”

“What was your name again?”

_Oh, nice_. 

“Sara.”

He smiled, then, briefly, and I realised it made his face look a little crooked, less model-y, and also kind of cute. 

“You know Mother Love Bone is my band.”

“Oh, it’s _your_ band?” I tried to inject some incredulity into my voice, but I don’t know if I pulled it off, I wasn’t exactly on point. He just looked amused. 

“That’s right, and yeah, we’re pretty great.“

“Congratulations. Shame about the name-“ A guy in front of me yelled and he didn’t catch what I said, I yelled again- “SHAME ABOUT THE NAME THOUGH.”

“What, you don’t like it?”

Honestly, I thought it was pretty stupid, but we were in a city full of bands with stupid names. “No.”

I pushed forward a little and was almost at the bar, mouthed “water” at the stressed bar tender and she almost threw a paper cup of tap water at me. I almost drained it, then the little that was left splashed out on my arm when some jerk pushed past me. Stone had disappeared again, but Alicia suddenly appeared and hissed at me, “SARA! What the fuck did you say to Stone?” I shook her off, suddenly irritated with the whole night and feeling my high start to wane, and left out of the front doors.

The street outside the club was full of noisy kids staggering around. The guy on the door glared at me as I stumbled out, didn’t bother to give me a stamp to get back in. I guessed that I should try and get home, although I had gotten a ride with the other girls. I wondered if I had enough for a cab. I looked around, trying to remember if there was a bus stop nearby, when someone came out of the door behind me. To my surprise, it was Stone.

“Alicia said not to let you wander off somewhere, so-“

_Great, she couldn’t tell me that herself?_

“I need to get home.”

“Good luck with that, like honestly, cabs will not drive down here.”

I looked at him, incredulous. He was very good looking, and if I wasn’t still kinda gone I’d probably be a lot shyer around him. He kept pushing his long tousled hair back with an elegant hand, and I could see a slight glint in his eyes which made me think he was flirting in some weird way. I shivered slightly, thought of my lost jacket - _fuck!_

“Uh, could you ask Alicia to come out?”

He took a step closer and put his hand on my shoulder, gently nudging me out of the way of some drunk people coming out of the club. 

“No, I don’t think so. Bruce has been trying to get with her for, like, forever, I can’t do that to him.”

When he took his hand away I was - weirdly - disappointed, though I tried not to think about that. 

“I thought she was into this guy Jeff?”

Stone grinned, nodded. “I guess Jeff is in Montana for some family thing so she had to trade down.”

“Nice,” I remarked,

“She’s a hard woman.”

There was an awkward pause. Some girl in the line for the club suddenly yelled, “STONEY! It’s Stoney, ohmygod-“ He turned around, smiled cheekily and waved, and she yelled back- “Wait, are you LEAVING?”

“Come on,” he said, steering me again, a little way down the street.

I looked back at the girl, who was still bleating about something, then at him.

“Are you - like - _famous_?”

“I mean, define famous.”

“Wait -“

“I just play in bands. I’m like, Seattle-dive-famous.”

We stopped just around a corner, where Stone pulled a small hip flask out of the pocket of his skinny jeans and offered me some, I still felt woozy and declined and he drank some. I noticed his slim wrists were circled with a couple of woven bracelets. He had long fingers, slightly bitten cuticles. Musician’s hands. He replaced the flask in his pocket and looked at me. In the chemical yellow streetlight I could see his eyes were very green. His face was quite something, and it was becoming more and more apparent to me as my buzz wore off. His look was completely direct and I suddenly felt the old rush of shyness, hoped the blush in my cheeks wasn’t too obvious. 

“I can tell you’re really impressed,” he said, deadpan.

“Sure.” 

When I said that, he laughed out loud and I realised his laugh was pretty cute and infectious.

“Wow. So what do you do?”

“I, uh, work at the Dollar Bin and I write.”

“What do you write?”

I scuffed the toe of my DM into the loose pavement stones. “This and that. I always have.” I had a vague idea that I would write a book someday but that sounded so painfully uncool in front of one of the apparent cool guys of Seattle. Why was he even out here with me? It all felt kind of awkward.

“You know, Leesh told me about you.” 

His change of tack took me by surprise.

“Huh?”

He kicked at a stone with his boots. “She said you really need to get laid and stop mooning over this guy from last year. That’s a direct quote, before you kill me-“

“Wait, _what_?”

“I mean, the fact she thinks I’m her go-to horny guy friend is kind of amazing.”

“ _Jesus_!”

He looked at me, slightly tilted his head. “So I guess you gotta decide.”

“Decide?!”

“Is that true?”

Wait, _what?_ I wasn’t sure about his sudden change of tack, and suddenly I was very aware of how close we were.

“You’re pretty confident, huh?”

“Just putting it out there.”

“That’s OK, I don’t really need a pity fuck.”

“I can see that.”

“Good.”

“So I guess that’s a no, then.”

I felt a strange rush of desire out of nowhere, suddenly wondering what his pretty mouth would be like to kiss. And yeah, what he’d be like - whether he’d be gentle or more passionate, or maybe a little of both. It was true I hadn’t been with anyone for a long time, it’s a long, shitty story but I moved here with a guy - Logan - and he had pretty much broken me. I wondered how much else Alicia had told him.

“It’s a not tonight,” I said, my voice coming a little husky, _cringe._

Stone smiled and shook his head slowly. “If you say so.” He moved imperceptibly so our bodies were just touching. He smelled really good, I realised. He slightly leaned into me and very lightly tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, said quietly, “Forget about her. I want you and I think you want me as well.” 

I stared at him in almost shock. His eyes were so arresting. 

“I don’t play games,” he said, frankly.

My heart was racing by that point and without really thinking about it I leaned in and, standing slightly on my toes, kissed him. His lips were incredibly soft. He immediately responded, and after a moment our lips parted and the kiss deepened. He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me and pushed me back against the wall near where we were standing. He was an amazing kisser. His fingertips lightly brushed my cheek. I felt better than I had for months. He was right, I did want him, and from what I could feel he was into me too. However, the fact that we were on a street corner somewhere downtown was not lost on me, and the chilly night air was sobering me more every second. Plus, he was the first guy I had kissed since Logan and I couldnt stop the memories from resurfacing, no matter how much I tried.

I pulled away gently. “I really have to go.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

We both laughed. To be honest I couldn’t really believe this was happening, it was definitely not a normal occurrence for me. 

“Hey, I said not tonight,” I said, not really sure if I even believed that myself.

“Come back with me.” He kissed me lightly on the neck, just below my ear. _Oh god._ I had work tomorrow too…

“Can’t.” 

I suddenly spotted a lone taxi and broke away, yelling at it. Somehow the guy saw me and turned around. I just had to hope I had enough change to make it home. I turned round, Stone raised an eyebrow. He was gorgeous, I realised, and he’d forget about me by tomorrow. 

“It was nice meeting you,” I said, and he gave that incredulous smile again, his green eyes narrowing, I’m sure he didn’t get turned down very often.

The taxi pulled up and I said my address to the guy, who nodded, and got in before I could change my mind. Stone raised his hand at me as it pulled away.

Sitting in the taxi driving through the night streets, I could hardly process what just happened. I was stupidly turned on, still reeling from the kiss and the way he’d held me. The way his lips tasted slightly of whiskey. I leaned my head against the taxi window and watched the meter, praying it would go slowly. In the end the driver had to drop me two streets away because i ran out of money, and as I briskly walked towards the low rise apartment block I willed myself to forget about Stone. I’d blown it, and it wouldn’t have been a good idea anyway….

I woke up bleary to a note on the kitchen table: WE NEED MILK. I’d forgotten again, it was my turn. Lil was already gone, again. As I was fixing coffee the phone rang and I limped over, wishing for the millionth time I had got an early night instead of going out on a work night. Alicia’s voice came out: 

“So spill it, how was he?”

“Wh-what?”

“Oh cmon, I hooked you up with one of THE hottest tickets and you don’t have any gossip?”

“Leesh. Nothing happened. Honestly, I went home to bed.”

“Nothing?”

“Well….. yeah.”

“If that’s true, you’re crazy.”

“Yeah. Well thanks for telling half of Seattle I need to get laid.”

She laughed on the other end. 

“Is that what he-“

“I’m not a charity case, Alicia.”

“Look, I just know Stone’s hot, with no issues, and he’d make you laugh. And the girls I know who’ve hooked up with him-“

“Gross.”

“- say he’s a good time.”

“OK, well, like I said nothing happened, and I have to get ready for work now, so - uh, thanks, I guess, but really I’m ok. And please don’t tell anyone else about the situation with Logan.”

She sighed. “You’re no fun, S.” 

She put the phone down before I had a chance to.

I drank my coffee like it was water in the desert then padded back to my room, grabbed some jeans from the floor and a white T-shirt and went to get showered, my head faintly buzzing with a hangover. Somewhere in the back of my mind was Stone, the sweetness of our kisses, his light touch and how assured he’d been - _I don’t play games._ He was definitely a guy who got a lot of girls and I usually couldn’t stand guys like that, avoided them. Logan had been so sensitive, swore he would never have eyes for anyone else. But then Logan had dragged me through hell and hollowed me out.

I closed my eyes in the shower and let the water bring me back to life, trying my best to forget, get my head back in the game.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stone is super hard to write because he’s so bloody dry and sarcastic #pearljamfanficproblems but it was fun.

Work was in Belltown, a bike ride away from the apartment block. When I first moved to Seattle I’d gotten a job at the same store as Logan, a skate shop at the Northgate Mall. It was his idea. Of course at the time it seemed romantic, not like he was trying to keep tabs on me. Anyway, when that blew up spectacularly, I was the one to leave the job as well as our apartment. 

The manager, Lucille, at the Dollar Bin was a depressed sixty-something woman with a poorly executed perm and lipstick marks on her teeth. Like everyone else, she didn’t seem very interested in me. People say it’s the Seattle way, people are kind of jaded - maybe it’s the weather. It didn’t bother me so much by now, I spent a lot of my time thinking, listening. 

All the way into work I was thinking about the previous evening with Stone. It didn’t help that some eager person had clearly been on a flyering expedition overnight and there were Mother Love Bone flyers all over this part of town. The lampposts downtown were constantly being papered over with posters and flyers of all colours, the ink bleeding in the rain. From my bike I could see the outline of the photocopied picture on the flyers, felt some kind of a thrill that I’d come very close to hooking up with one of them; surely that meant I was finally getting somewhere in Seattle? _Sure, Sara, if you want to be a groupie…._ I stashed my bike in the alley behind the shop and headed inside.

It was a pretty slow day, with a steady trickle of the curious customer mix of middle aged ladies and extremely young, cool people coming in to browse. I sold a diverse range of items from a 1978 Black Sabbath concert t-shirt, to a three piece morning suit and - my fave - a shocking pink XXL lycra body and matching pink sneakers. Normally, I would be making notes about the customers and their purchases to get ideas for stories, but I was just too distracted. I wondered if Stone was actually serious, maybe it was all some kind of prank? Well, there was no point worrying about it too much, because nothing happened - and I would probably be way too embarrassed to speak to him again after that, even if I got the chance…

No sooner was I thinking this, not, even hearing the sound of the bell over the door ring out, than I looked up and saw Stone standing in front of me.

He was looking pretty good, considering the fact he’d been about as inebriated as me last night. Like a lot of the guys in this town, he seemed to be rocking the unwashed, messy hair look along with the uniform of an obscure band t-shirt and unreasonably tight jeans.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” I said uncertainly. “What are you-“

“So I actually work near here, and I also never really tried the whole stalking thing before, so I thought I’d give it a chance.“

I stared at him and he laughed. I also laughed, incredulously and saw Lucille look over at me from where she was violently restocking a rail of jumpsuits.

“Uh, right. Well, hi. Did you enjoy the rest of your night?”

“Well,” he raised an eyebrow, “not as much as Bruce, but sure. You missed what can only be described as a Bacchanalian orgy at the OK Hotel, culminating in him puking all over your best friend and himself. I’m real glad I was able to be there.” 

He was, I realised, quite smart and funny. I liked him more in the daytime.

“Oh God. Alicia didn’t tell me that. He OK?”

“i think his manhood may never recover, but he will. Mine’s doing fine, by the way.” He smiled cheekily and I blushed. But I noticed he was absently fidgeting with his long fingers, twisting a ring he wore on his right hand. It was cute. There was an awkward silence. 

“So, uh- now you’ve stalked me-“ I blushed slightly. “Was there something else?” _Why are you so awkward, Sara?_

“Is this another ditch?”

“No! I mean, um- _that_ wasn’t a ditch anyway! I had work. As you can see. And also, I don’t really-“ I trailed off. _Ugh, awkward._ “i can take a quick break now?”

He checked his watch, it looked kind of expensive. 

“Sure. I have about twenty minutes.”

I grabbed my jacket and we went out of the store, got some coffee from the vendor outside and wandered over to the square of lawn between the blocks. I was still wondering, _what was this all about?_ He definitely didn’t have to come and find me, so he was still interested. I was pretty intrigued. 

As we sat down, he was explaining to me about this guy Jeff that Alicia and the girls kept talking about. Jeff was from out of town like me but had been here a while - and Stone and Jeff had played in a band together before Mother Love Bone. I smiled at his description of his friend as a small-town mayor’s son who had dropped out of art school to go play in punk bands; he sounded like an interesting guy. 

“And so if you come on Friday you’ll meet him too,” Stone finished, and I took a too-hot gulp of my coffee realising that he was in some way asking me out, albeit to his own band’s show. “I mean, I know how you feel about the band name, but we already printed like a ton of flyers, so…”

I giggled and shook my head. “The name is fine. I was just being an asshole.”

“Yeah, is that your usual shtick, or…?”

I nudged him very slightly as I laughed and had a sudden memory of our kiss just a few hours earlier. I fidgeted with the rim of my coffee cup, kind of wished I had bothered to put more makeup on this morning. “Touché, well, I’d like to come on Friday, but-“

“Ohh no, here it comes-“

“Hey! No, I just - I kind of was planning on an early night, I have my first day off in like weeks on Saturday and I just want to enjoy it instead of feeling like death all day.” He shook his head with that maddening smile and I shrugged defensively, “ What can I say? I’m not fun. Well, I’m sure the girls told you that.” I remarked, blushing again at the thought that Alicia had discussed my situation with Stone and who knows who else. _Maladjusted tragic Midwesterner unable to move on from her shitty relationship; terminal wallflower_. He frowned slightly, I watched his restless fingers and was fascinated. 

“Do you play guitar?” I said then, a total change of subject. He nodded. “Figures,” I said. He raised an eyebrow. “Uh, I just meant… you have the hands for it.” 

That made him laugh and just say, “Jesus….”, look at me with this spark of mischief in his eyes. Then I had to laugh as well, blushing. 

“Oh, you _know_ what I mean!”

“Well y’know, I still have like ten minutes and I think there’s a bathroom somewhere over there, so…?” 

“ _Wow_ , the ten-minute man.”

“That’s actually my nickname in the band.”

We were actually _flirting_. And it was… nice. 

“So where do you work?” I asked.

“The Raison d’Etre over on 1st. You know it?” 

I shook my head. 

“Jeff actually works there too. And Andy- our singer. When we sell a million records we’re gonna buy the place and turn it into a ball pit or something.” 

I rolled my eyes at his constant bad jokes. Gone was the cool guy Alicia had introduced me to. But there was something sexy about his confidence and sense of humor, granted, beyond the fact that his eyes looked even more green in the daylight, and his general handsomeness. I usually prided myself on just going for the shy weird guys who weren’t traditionally attractive, as opposed to tall good-looking guys in bands…. _Why was that again?_

He finished up his coffee and turned to me, biting his bottom lip slightly - which made me think about kissing him again. 

“By the way, Alicia said you were fun. And cool. I’m sorry if it was uncomfortable for you, what I said last night. I know, like, nothing about your situation. But girls being rude to me is kind of my thing, so it was worth a shot.” 

I rolled my eyes again and he grinned. 

“That’s OK. I’m fine,” I said. “I guess it’s tough in a completely new city but I’m working on it. My roommate hates me though.” I remembered and, chuckling, pulled out the note saying WE NEED MILK from my jeans pocket, which made him crack up. 

“Yeah, I get these from my mom too, but I just use them to make collages. It’s not going down real well-“

“Rock and roll, still living with your parents,” I cut him off.

“You haven’t seen my parents’ wine cellar.”

Interesting. I could see shades of trust-fund-baby there, but I wouldn’t hold it against him. Alicia was right, he did seem kinda fun. I wasn’t going to judge him for no reason. Yet. 

“Anyways, that’s why you need to keep saying yes to stuff. Starting with my show on Friday. But also, anything else you might want to say yes to.” 

He was trying to make me blush, I narrowed my eyes at him which seemed to amuse him. 

“Point taken.”

We looked at each other for a moment. Yes, he was very handsome. I suddenly really wanted to touch his pretty hair. 

“I should get back,” I said reluctantly. I wanted to talk to him some more, it seemed like there was a lot to get to know, but…. He pushed back the loose, tousled strands of brown hair that had fallen into his face and nodded, we started to walk to the gate of the little park. When we got there he managed to aim both our coffee cups in the trash can correctly and I duly applauded. He then scraped his hair up into a loose ponytail and looked at me, consideringly. 

“So I’m going this way. It was nice stalking you.”

“Yeah,” I said lamely, not really sure what to say. He seemed to think about it for a moment, then took a step towards me and kissed me very lightly on the lips, before I knew what was happening. I instinctively leaned in towards him but that was it, he had pulled away.

“Um. Well, bye.” I said, my eyes wide. My heart was racing a little. 

“Come on Friday.”

“OK.” I said, realising I really wanted to. 

“I know where you work.” 

“I said OK!”

We smiled at each other and then I checked my own watch, realised I really had to go. 

“See you then.” 

When I got back to the store Lucille made me fold three bags of donations in the airless back room, but even that couldn’t ruin my buzz. On the way home, I snatched one of the Mother Love Bone flyers off a wall and folded it up, putting it in my pocket after I glanced at the ink outline of Stone thinking how hot he was. Maybe things in Seattle were finally looking up for me after all…


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up in the middle of the night from yet another nightmare about my ex, Logan. The day I walked out of our tiny shared apartment the other side of the city, he’d smashed the glass in all my photos of people from home and subjected me to yet another accusation of cheating, and I just grabbed the minimum of my stuff and went. 

But his words still haunted me, “You think anyone else will ever want you?” 

The truth was, he was my first ever boyfriend - and after two years with him, I wasn’t sure anyone else ever would.

It was the small hours of the morning and I could hear the incessant patter of rain against the window as I wrapped a cardigan around myself and went to the kitchen to get some water. I turned on the light and decided to sit down at the kitchen table and try and write, which usually helped relax me. To my surprise, the words were coming easier than they had for a while. The idea in my head was gradually taking shape. I worked on my book for an hour or so, until my eyes started to droop again and I wandered back to bed. In the back of my mind was the fact that I’d be seeing Stone tomorrow night, and I fell asleep thinking about it with a smile.

After work (which seemed to last forever) I cycled home as fast as possible to get ready for the evening. Alicia and the other girls. Meg and Grace, were meeting me at a bar round the corner from the club - the OZ, which was in a slightly sketchy strip close to the Space Needle parking lot. According to them, you had to already be a little drunk to go there, so I had a shot of a dusty bottle of vodka from the kitchen while I was getting ready. 

I decided to wear the gold lame miniskirt I had snitched from a donation bag at the store, and a slouchy Cult t-shirt I had been wearing in religiously since I bought it back home in Cleveland. I thought I looked OK, made an extra effort with some eyeliner and mascara and mussed up my hair, laced up my boots and glanced at myself in the hall mirror. 

_Don’t be weird, don’t be weird._

My reflection looked happier, relaxed even - something I hadn’t felt for a long time. I was actually pretty excited about the show, as well as everything else.

I arrived at the tiny dive bar where we were meeting. People were spilling out onto the pavement, a lot of them I recognised from parties or whatever, the scene here was kind of small. I threaded through the bar looking for my friends and heard the familiar screech of my name.

“SARA!” I turned to see them around a tiny table, all teased hair and that glam rock chick look. I couldn’t ever pull it off, and I was glad I hadn’t tried. 

“You look so good. The skirt was a good decision,”Alicia said as she kissed my cheek, smelling of sweet alcohol. I did a little twirl and they squealed. Grace offered me some of her drink and I took it, immediately hit with the sucker punch of whiskey mixed with watery Coke. 

“So I guess Wednesday was kind of a disaster,” Alicia said with a grimace. “Bruce Fairweather is a fucking tramp, it’s a long story but he ruined my favourite Zeppelin shirt and-“

“Oh my god, right, he was a real mess huh?” I said, thinking of what Stone had told me about their disastrous night at the OK Hotel.

She shot a look at me. “Wait, what? How did you know?”

“I-“ _Play it cool Sara._ “Well, this is also a long story - but Stone told me about it.”

“STONE?” 

They all three said in unison. Grace snatched her drink back from me and sucked it down thirstily, staring at me intently as they all were.

“OK, back up. You said _nothing_ happened,” Alicia said.

“Well, that wasn’t a hundred percent… So, we kissed but that was it. And I told him where I worked and I guess the next day he came to see me and we like, had coffee. So. yeah…”

“You kissed STONE?” Grace asked.

“He SHOWED UP at your WORK?”Meg said disbelievingly.

“And you didn’t feel the need to call me about this?”Alicia demanded. “I feel like I don’t even know you any more, Weller.” 

I pushed back my hair self-consciously. “Honestly I was pretty surprised by the whole thing as well. The kiss just kind of… happened, it wasn’t like a big thing. I mean I really just wanted to go home.” 

They all cracked up and I smiled, only I would be such a dork as to leave one of the cool Seattle scene guys standing on a street corner while I went home by myself. 

“He’s actually kind of cool, I mean he seems like he is.”

Alicia raised an eyebrow. “Well, for sure he likes a challenge. I’ve known the guy since we used to, like, run around the country club naked shooting each other with nerf guns while our parents played tennis.” We all cracked up at the mental image. “Whatever you said to him back there, I could tell he was into you. Though I was pretty bummed when he came back, thought you messed it up in some way.” _Ouch._ “He’s great. Very smart. Good hair. I mean, I’ve never fucked him, but like I said, he comes well reviewed.” 

“Good to know,” I said, trying not to blush at her directness. “I’m getting a drink. What time is the show?”

“Ten.”

I checked my watch - it was after nine. The three of them started gossiping as soon as I went to go, and I rolled my eyes. I was trying to get service at the bar when I spotted a guy next to me who I somehow recognised. He had long wavy beach-blonde hair scraped into a ponytail and an open, cherubic face, and was wearing a leather jacket. He was pretty, but there was kind of an edge to him too. In the low light, up close I noticed he had the slight remains of a black eye. He turned to me and made a questioning face, saying - “Can I help you?”

I swallowed nervously. “This is going to sound really strange but I feel like I know you from somewhere.”

His face broke into a wide smile and I couldn’t help smiling as well. 

“Uh, I play in a band called Mother Love Bone.” He had a very slight Southern drawl on some of his words, and he seemed pretty humble despite the fact that he was, as I embarrassedly realised, the singer of Mother Love Bone and I had recognised him from the flyer I picked up the other day. “A really hideous drawing of my face is all over town right now.”

I giggled. “Well now I feel stupid because I’m actually coming to your show tonight.” 

“Awesome. I’m Andy,”

“Sara,” I said, shyly.

My shirt caught his eye. “Oh man, The Cult. So rad.”

“Right?” I said eagerly, glad to meet another fan finally.

“My girlfriend made me listen to their record and I thought it was gonna be all, _WOOOOAHHHH MY LIFE IS SO FUCKED UP_ ” he suddenly sang out in a perfect imitation of Robert Smith from The Cure’s melodic English accent, and I laughed out loud as people around us turned around in confusion. “But it was actually fucking cool,” he finished, back to normal, winking at me. I was totally captivated by him, there was just something about him that was really charismatic, dangerous. “I swear this guy does not want to take my money,” he remarked then, completely changing the subject and waving at the bartender, who finally came over. “Can I get a Coke please, and-“ he looked at me.”Sara?”

“Oh! That’s ok, you don’t have to-“ He raised an eyebrow at me and I just said, “OK, um I guess I’ll have a beer.” The guy went off to get our drinks. “Thanks.”

“So you here by yourself?” he asked.

“My friends are just over there. Actually maybe you know them. Alicia Darcy?Maybe better known for the fact that one of the guys in your band vomited on her the other night?” He cracked up, nodding enthusiastically - he clearly knew my girls.

“No _shit_!! Alicia, wow. Also, Bruce is so bummed out about that whole thing.” We finally got our drinks, Andy handed the guy some change and drank almost all his Coke down in one go. “I heard about it, I’m not really going out too much right now but mad I missed the shenanigans. She still mad?”

“I think she’s pretty into this other guy Jeff.”

“Who’s into this other guy Jeff?” A tall, well built guy with an undeniably gorgeous face streaked with stubble and shoulder-length wavy hair under a bandana appeared at Andy’s side.

“Well this is he. Jeff, this is Sara.”

“Hey Sara. Uh, please ignore this guy.” He offered his hand and I took it, it was a surprisingly polite gesture in this smoky dive bar and I remembered what Stone had said about how Jeff’s dad was an actual mayor back in his home town. I admired the armful of colourful bracelets roped around his tanned arm, I could see why my friend liked him. “Uh, not to be a buzzkill but we gotta help Stone move the gear. Can you come out in five, dude?”

“I’ll come right now. Sara, good to meet you. See you at the show.” 

Andy smiled winningly then followed Jeff out of the bar. I found my way back to my friends.

“Did you get lost or something?”Meg asked, fluffing her hair. “We gotta go.”

“No, I actually just met Andy from Mother Love Bone at the bar.”

“ _Andy!_ Aww is he here?” Grace asked, her face breaking into the cutest smile.

“No, he just went over to the club I think. He said he liked my shirt,” I said proudly. The girls nodded appreciatively.

“He’s so fucking cool,” Grace said. My thoughts were turning back to Stone though; knowing he was close by was making me feel kind of nervous.

“So who’s the other band?” I asked.

“Uh, Alice in Chains,” said Alicia. “They’re OK.”

“Ugh, Layne is so hot,” Meg said. “The singer,” she filled me in.

“You think everyone’s hot.”

Grace and Alicia wandered off to the bathroom to fix their hair. When they’d gone there was an awkward silence, which seemed weird. Then -

“Um, Sara, is it weird if I tell you I did hook up with Stone before? Like a year and a half, two years ago or something, but…”

Yeah, I wasn’t that thrilled to hear it to be honest, but I played it cool. 

“Uh, I mean, no it’s not… weird.”

“I wasn’t gonna tell you, but like, between you and me - he’s a cool guy but just… be careful, OK?”

I stared at her. “What do you mean?”

She rubbed her face with her hand nervously. 

“Just don’t like, fall for him or whatever. I know the Logan thing really hurt you and the last thing you need is some guy messing you around right now.”

“You’re gonna need to be more specific Grace.”

“Forget it.”

“No! What did you-“

“He just.. I guess he likes to play the field or whatever. Maybe you don’t care. It’s not a big deal, I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I kind of liked him, but this isn’t about that.”

“OK. Well, thanks.”

The awkward silence returned until the girls came back and we gathered our stuff to go. As we crossed the street and headed to the club, a long low building that looked like it had seen better days, I tried not to let what Grace said kill my buzz. I didn’t have to worry about that, it’s not like I was looking for a relationship, and I was in control of this situation, right? He was the one who had chased _me._

It was an all ages show at the OZ so we had no problems getting in. It was packed, and there was loud music blaring from the speakers as people were gathering on the floor in front of the stage. I looked over and saw Stone with Bruce and Jeff on the stage, setting up their stuff. It was only dimly lit but I could see he looked good. The girls were starting to dance to the music and they pulled me into their circle along with some other people we knew from around, and I realised I was having a good time. It had taken long enough.

I caught the eye of an intense looking guy with shoulder-length blond curly hair, wearing just a denim waistcoat over his muscled chest, leaning against the wall. I smiled shyly. Meg nudged me, smiling mischievously, and said, “that’s Layne,” and I watched as he made bedroom eyes at my friend. Seemed like it was her that Grace should be worried about, not me. Clearly she was just jealous or something.

I nudged Meg over in Layne’s direction and watched as he stooped his tall height slightly to her level, leaned in close to her when she talked like she was the only one in the room. 

I’d met a couple of pretty special people so far in Seattle, and I wondered if any of them would ever hit the big time. It seemed unlikely: rainy, far-flung town, most famous for airplanes and the futuristic monstrosity of the Space Needle. But there was definitely something magical about times like tonight - and as I watched a slim guy with curly dark hair make a perfect ballet jeté across the sticky dance floor in time to some hardcore punk music, I had to believe I was onto something here. It was definitely a cool place, if you could get past the weather and the gross public bathrooms.

Just then the MC’s voice rang out:

“The next band is Mother Love Bone, so give it up!”

There were cheers all around as people started moving to the front. The drummer started playing as Jeff, Bruce and Stone picked up their guitars and Andy stepped up to the mic, saying theatrically-

“Hel-lo SEATTLE!”


	4. Chapter 4

We left Meg getting better acquainted with Layne at the back of the room as Alicia dragged me forward near Stone’s side of the stage. I was completely captivated by Mother Love Bone from their first song and I definitely wasn’t the only one, they seemed to have this effect on the crowd where everyone was screaming, dancing and even leaning right onto the stage to try and touch Andy, who was clearly loving the attention. He owned the stage, his ponytail and jacket from earlier ditched for a flamboyant hat, sunglasses and Elton John style colourful jacket over a Dallas Cowboys shirt. He looked like no one else, like Bolan and Elton and Axl Rose rolled into one, in command of the audience. His voice was powerful, filling the room and alternating between screams and a gorgeous tone, occasionally taking to the keyboard to play a slower song. Anyone could see he was something really special.

The rest of the band seemed to feed off his energy, they all just looked like rock stars. I could hardly believe it was the same Stone who had coffee with me hungover in the park the other day. He was absolutely incandescent, playing his guitar like it was part of him, throwing smiles at the other guys, just generally looking like the sexiest thing ever with his long brown hair in a loose half ponytail, his lean body offset by a tight white Mother Love Bone t-shirt and tight jeans, the angles of his face perfectly illuminated by the stage lights. Jeff was pretty something as well, his muscular arms in his cut off shirt and his quiet power on stage.

I’d never seen anything like this, where the music made you want to move and fuck and scream. I just couldn’t take my eyes off them and spent the entire time dancing, except during the last song which was slow and melancholy, a keyboard intro segueing hauntingly into guitars that made my heart soar. You knew Andy was singing about something real to him, a hint that there was a darkness under his swagger and behind his sparkling eyes. I remember at the time I was wondering what he was trying to tell us all.

I smiled as I saw Andy lean into Stone as he sang the chorus, and the way it made Stone smile; they clearly meant a lot to one another and it was a side of him that made me melt a little more.

“FUCKING A!” Alicia yelled in my ear as they went offstage, I had no idea how long they had been playing, it was easily been the best show I had ever been to. “C’mon,” she said, leading me to the front where the crowd was slightly dispersing as the next band set up. My heart was beating a little faster, I was feeling intimidated now, which seemed crazy considering I had even kissed the guy before now. I caught a glimpse of him just beyond the stage, talking to Bruce and putting the guitars away.

“Stoney, get your sweet ass over here right now,”Alicia shouted and I hissed, “Leesh no!!”, she shushed me.

He looked up and when he saw me he smiled that incredibly cute smile that totally lit up his face. Alicia nudged me knowingly and I elbowed her. He pulled the band out of his hair, handed his guitar to Bruce (who looked frankly terrified at the sight of us and ducked around the other side of the amp pretending to be busy, probably expecting Alicia to kick his ass for the other night, though she had mysteriously disappeared into the crowd.) Stone came and jumped off the low stage, clasping hands with a guy with waist-length blond hair coming the other way who said, “That was killer, man” as he got onstage. I would find out later that it was Jerry, the guitarist for Alice in Chains.

“So the stalking worked, excellent,” Stone said as he leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, close to my lips. He was looking really sexy, totally exhilarated with his hair a little damp and mussed up, and I was vaguely aware of the girls still hanging around the stage staring at us, probably wishing they were me right then.

“That was… I mean. Dude!” I shook my head grinning like an idiot, just wanting to tell him how amazing I thought they were. “That was awesome! I mean, yeah, the name still sucks-“ At this, he laughed -“but I loved it. I just.. I loved it.”

I smiled, not knowing what else to say. What can I say, music is the one thing in my life that can make me feel this way, it always has been. I think he could tell, and maybe it was the same for him too.

“Thanks,” he said, I noticed his green eyes flicker over me, taking me in and I hoped that I still looked OK after all my jumping around. “That’s kind of what I was going for.”

“Stone, you rock,”called one of the girls from the group nearby and he gave her a throwaway smile, but she had only encouraged one of the other girls to call out, “Stone can you give Andy my number?” And I even heard one of them say in an audible voice, “they’re all so fucking fine”. I guessed it was normal for a band of hot guys to get this type of attention, but it wasn’t exactly something I was used to being around and it was kind of uncomfortable.

Stone just brushed it off, said quietly to me “this is weird, c’mon” and steered me back through the crowd away from the stage.

“Occupational hazard, huh?”I said into his ear as we went, and he just shook his head incredulously.

“I’m sure they just like me for my mind,” he said and I had to laugh, he was even making sarcastic remarks when pretty drunk and fresh off the stage at a rock concert. I was liking him more and more. And to my surprise, instead of finding other people he then pulled me into a darker corner of the hall where the people around were too drunk or absorbed in dancing to really notice, and drew me in to him, kissing me properly this time. His lips tasted sweet and of alcohol, his body was right up close to mine and, combined with the amazing experience I had just had with the show, I felt dizzy with it all. It was sexy and urgent, and I wished he wouldn’t stop. In the back of my mind I knew we were kind of moving fast but we were both into it. I just wanted to have a good time and keep feeling this way, instead of sad like I had for the past few months.

“Is it weird that the fact you’re wearing a Cult shirt is like the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he said, brushing hair back from my face.

“Stone, it’s so weird.”

“I literally want to make love to your Cult shirt, I mean, you can be there too if you want-“

I had to laugh, he was just trying to make me blush again. “Someone’s a little drunk.”

“And you’re certainly not drunk enough, but we can fix that.” He kissed the palm of my hand, unexpectedly, which sent a sudden jolt of desire through me, he was so unpredictable. Then he suddenly yelled over at a guy he had spotted in the people milling about nearby, “Cornell! Are we staying or going?”

I could see the guy was very tall, with long jet-black curly hair past his shoulders, a nice body in a tight black t-shirt and some silver jewellery that glinted in the lights. As he came towards us I was taken aback at how gorgeous his face was, with intense light coloured eyes under thick dark brows, pillowy lips and a slightly faraway expression on his face. He was one of those truly beautiful people for whom it seems to be no big deal at all, he wore his looks slightly awkwardly, like he wasn’t really in need of them. I had heard his name around - Chris Cornell - and knew that he was another guy in a band, Soundgarden, and that they’d been getting some interest outside of Seattle, which was kind of huge. I looked up at him and he glanced at me kind of shyly, before focusing on Stone.

“Hey, man. Great show, I really liked it. Um, I think we’re gonna stick around and watch Alice.”

At the mention of the other band I briefly wondered where my friends were, and whether Meg had gotten anywhere with Layne.

“This is Chris. Cornell,” Stone added, introducing me to him. I could tell Stone had a lot of time for this guy, by the way he said his name even it was obvious. “Chris, this is Sara.” A knowing look passed briefly between them, I totally saw it. Chris offered me a big hand and smiled, I shook it and said, “Nice to meet you.”

“Any friend of Stoney’s,”Chris said in his husky voice, and then clapped him on the shoulder. “You seen Susan anywhere?” Stone shook his head and Chris shrugged, “Oh well…” and with a kinda beatific smile, wandered off somewhere, I guess to look for Susan some more. I stared after him, thinking he was a rather awkward kind of person for someone so undeniably beautiful.

“He’s quite a guy,” Stone said ironically, and I nodded. I wondered if he was the same Chris that Meg talked about a lot- some guy she used to work with.

“So you want to stick around too? They’re pretty great. I guess we’re a hard act to follow though.” When I looked sideways at him to see if he was kidding he continued, “It’s gotta be tough for them.”

I shook my head at him, and he did the same to me at which I couldn’t help but giggle, I had to just get used to this I supposed. The flirting was more charged than before, it seemed, and I kind of wanted more of what had just happened between us.

“So I say we stay, watch their show, steal some of their beer and see what we wanna do next,” he proposed.

“That sounds like a plan.”

At this, the MC came over the mic again to announce Alice in Chains. From where I was standing, Layne looked like a god under the lights - and the long-haired guy I had seen over by the stage took up a position by the other mic, while on the opposite side of the stage a dark haired guy wielding a bass was yelling obscenities into the crowd. They were pretty different to Mother Love Bone, from the start it was obvious they were much heavier and there was a dangerous energy to their playing, the way Layne handled the crowd.

“You want to go see?” I said and Stone nodded, we moved back into the crowd and watched them. I was so aware of everything around me, the screeching distorted guitars so loud it felt like they could split your eardrums, the possibility of violence in the packed bodies moving, and most of all the nearness of Stone and all the things about him that intrigued me. It was so different to wherever I had been this time last week. At times I was aware of him looking at me but I just played it off, focusing on the stage, which wasn’t too hard considering the insane range of Layne’s voice and the haunting heaviness of their sound, all satanic baselines and pounding drums. As they finally stormed off stage, I found myself yelling wildly along with everyone else.

When we found them in the little so-called backstage area, which was just a dark corner fenced off by the PA, I was amused to see Meg there with Layne, and Andy and Bruce, although no Alicia or Jeff. Everyone was pretty hyped and drinking fast, and being around them I found myself doing the same. Stone was still teasing Bruce about his antics the other night and I got talking to Andy again, plus his girlfriend Xana. He still wasn’t drinking alcohol; I wondered if he was sick or something, I noticed him eyeing it but he didn’t partake. I on the other hand was about 2 beers down fairly quickly and it made me giggly and more confident, even so far as to tease Meg about her groupie tendencies in front of Layne which he found hilarious, I don’t think it put him off at all considering he was quite happy to let her sit on his lap against his impressive chest.

Every so often Stone and I would look at each other and I’d feel that electric buzz again, but in my tipsy state I was happy to make him wait, which seemed to draw him to me more.

Eventually he slid his arm around my waist and said in my ear, “Tell me when you want to leave,” at which I looked up at him, saw that his eyes were a little darker, how intently he was looking at me, and I was about to say something cutting but then I just found myself saying:

“I want to leave,” - and there was no way he could mistake what I was saying.

Stone went over to Andy, said he was out and asked if he could take his guitar back for him - and despite them all protesting that we should stay longer, he took my hand and led me out, one of the Alice in Chains guys - Jerry? - yelling, “Get it, Stone” to which I heard Xana saying, “you’re such a jerk off” in the distance. I giggled, not caring, full of nervous anticipation - because it felt like whatever was about to happen would be pretty intense.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: SMUT WARNING

**A/N: SMUT WARNING**

Fortunately, trying to cross town back to mine with both of us pretty drunk and having got on the wrong bus line almost twice was not too much of a buzz-kill, because by the time we got into the hallway of my building we were already kissing. I fumbled my keys in the lock that was always a little stiff, unable to get them to fit or turn in my drunken state, and Stone couldn’t help remarking, “What is this, a preview?” which made me laugh out way too loudly and push him into my apartment, slamming the door behind us.

Once we were in my bedroom, he tugged my shirt over my head and I backed into my bed, undoing my skirt at the back and wriggling out of it as Stone pulled off his Mother Love Bone shirt and tossed it on my floor. I pulled him to me by his belt and looked up at him as his calloused fingertips grazed my cheek and over my lips, his intense green eyes taking me in as I reached down and unbuckled his belt and undid his jeans, he kicked them off to join the other discarded clothes. We stared at each other for a second.

“I, uh - I don’t usually do this.” I said; I just felt like I had to.

Stone smiled, shook his head as he pushed me back on the bed and crawled up on me. 

“I don’t care,” he said softly and kissed me, biting on my bottom lip gently. I pressed my body up into his, the feeling of his skin on mine making me realise how much I’d wanted this, and he shook his hair so it fell to one side, his soft lips traveling across my jaw, down my neck and collarbone then over my nipples through the thin lace of my bra. I gasped, which made him look at me with that quizzical slight smile. 

“Tease,” I said breathlessly, running my fingers through his hair and pulling slightly, which made his breathing quicken. 

He gently peeled my bra back and slowly traced the outline of my nipple with his tongue, then grazed it with his teeth. I moaned involuntarily and I could tell he was smiling. _Damn._ “Yeah, but you like it,” he said, doing it again. 

I gasped, started to feel a dull ache deep in my core, my need for him was all I could think about. I reached for him and kissed him hungrily as he quickly took off my bra with one hand and threw it somewhere. I pressed my body against his, he pressed back, but at the same time he whispered close to my ear, “I’m not gonna fuck you yet.”

“Big talk,” I said, well aware of my shallow breathing but trying not to let him see how much he was affecting me.

He looked me right in the eyes challengingly, and kissed me again before making his way down my body. I took a handful of his soft brown hair as his lips trailed over my stomach and hip bones, reaching the edge of my panties, where he paused before slowly running his fingers over me through the fabric. It went through me like a shock, I was so turned on by now. I tried to grab his hand and make him stop with the teasing but he caught my wrist, continuing to tease me with his other hand, watching me all the time. When finally he slid my underwear down my legs and his hand made contact with my liquid core, he bit his lip as he slipped one, then two fingers inside me, gently twisting them and making me cry out involuntarily. I wasn’t at all prepared for when he then leaned in to lightly tongue my clit, adding another finger as i grabbed his hair again, rougher than I intended. It was nothing like this with Logan; it only made me wonder what else I’d been missing. The sensations of his tongue and his skilled fingers I was closer and closer to the edge, breathing “Stone - ohmygod don’t stop don’t stop-“ and he didn’t, bringing me to the most intense orgasm of my life. 

He watched me as I lay there panting, pushed back his tousled hair with one hand. I was in the aftershocks of my climax, so when he very lightly started to stroke me there with his fingertips again I writhed away a little - but he leaned in to me murmuring, “Go with it”, kissing my neck as he continued with a gentle pressure that built slowly until I was coming again, harder even than before, building on the already intense sensations. Thank god Lil wasn’t at home because I’m pretty sure I did not hold back on my reaction, and, as I tried to recover my breath I panted, “Jesus, are you kidding me?!” which made him chuckle and look away almost shyly - was it possible Stone actually had no come-back for once!?

He kissed me again, allowing me time to recover, but I now slipped my hand inside his boxers and started to work him which made him groan into my mouth and break away, gasping “fuck…” I pushed him onto his back and watched his beautiful face, enjoying the power I had over him. Before long he breathed, “You better stop,”

“Why?” I whispered, not stopping at all. Wanting to hear him say it, enjoying how turned on he looked- his green eyes hazy, his hair in messy waves around his shoulders,

“Because I… fucking…want you, now…”

I freed him from his boxers as he moved me to straddle him and I guided him inside me, his gasps matching mine as I adjusted to him, my whole body on fire with sensations, a shock of pleasure through my core as he found a completely tantalising rhythm.

“God, you feel so..” I broke off, panting as he pulled me in for a rough kiss, never stopping- “…amazing.” I couldn’t believe how gorgeous he was, lying there all mine right now. I didn’t even feel self conscious, I was so absorbed in what I was feeling, in the way he moved slowly but not too gently, not tentatively. Underneath his usual guard, was a sensuality that completely undid me.

After a short while, he flipped me onto my back, starting to going deeper and harder, I had completely lost control at this point, it seemed like Stone had as well, and I was so into it. I dug my nails into his shoulder a little too hard and he grabbed my hands, pinning me down to the bed breathing, “Careful,” as I pushed against him and caught his mouth with mine. He pulled one of my legs up to his chest to get a deeper angle, and as the sensations built I couldn’t help just crying out his name which clearly had an effect on him, I felt him thrust more roughly as he came hard, his fingers locked through mine, crushing them in his grip. 

We were both breathless, sweating, his forehead pressing to mine and our lips finding each other again as we came down. After a moment Stone eased off of me and lay down next to me, his hair spread out messily on the pillow, his body sheening with sweat and his chest rising and falling rapidly. I lay on my side looking at him, suddenly self conscious. Trying to remember this image of him, in case I never got to see it again.

As if reading my thoughts, he turned to me and brushed his fingertips over my cheek, his big green eyes inscrutable. I melted, I couldn’t help it. 

I wondered what he was thinking. In turn I traced my hand down his cheekbone, over the line of his jaw, I couldn’t help but smile thinking how pretty he was. He was a lot of different things.

“Well. Hey.” I said, awkwardly. Not knowing what exactly we should say now. The intensity of it still running through me. I don’t know what I expected, he always seemed sure of himself and his quietness was kind of disconcerting.

“Hey,” Stone said, his eyes on mine, green flecked with hazel, and he had a tiny scar above one of his eyebrows, I noticed now. He was fidgeting a little, playing with one of the woven bands around his wrist, and without thinking I took his hand and laced my fingers through his. I could feel his heart still beating fast, I could taste the tang of his sweat when i kissed his shoulder. We were so close. He ran his hands through his hair to smooth it down and pulled me into his arms. I rested my head on his chest.

We didn’t say anything else, just lay quietly. In the semi darkness, wrapped up in him, I felt my eyes close and I fell into an exhausted sleep. 

At some point around dawn I stirred awake and saw Stone sitting on the edge of my bed, pulling on his shirt. I lay there watching him, not sure exactly how to feel or what to do. In the end I just said, “Stone,” sitting up a little. 

He turned and looked at me.

“I, um. I gotta go.”

I blinked, feeling a pang of something in my chest. 

“OK. You don’t have to…”

He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll call you.”

I suddenly felt very naked and crossed my arms over my chest, my heart beating faster, I pulled back from him.

“Were you just going to leave without saying anything?”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Do you _want_ to stay?”

“I…” Stone was fidgeting again, I watched his hands. “I’m not really looking for a… relationship right now.”

I swallowed. “OK, fine, but you kind of went after me, so that’s not really fair.”

He nodded, biting his lip as if to acknowledge I was right. 

“I know.”

“This doesn’t need to be some weird or like, huge thing,” I said, confused. “I just… like you.”

Stone’s eyes studied the middle distance, again I wondered what he was thinking. 

“We have some meetings and rehearsal coming up, things are kind of crazy for me right now and I just ….” he paused, shrugging. “If we can keep it, I guess, casual then great, but-“

I kept my composure, remembered what Grace had said about him, I probably should have listened to her since I barely know the guy and now I’d gone ahead and slept with him. Well, whatever; I had a good time and honestly, I was not going to let myself be messed around by another man. 

“I get it,” I said. 

“I just, um… really need to get home and get my shit together, we have a meeting with our label today.” 

I realised I didn’t really know much about what was going on with him at all, I had just been caught up in the attraction. 

“OK.”

In the dawning morning light coming through my blinds Stone looked tired and kind of pale but still just so pretty, and when he tentatively kissed me I remembered the rush I had felt with him last night and I didn’t pull away. _Damn it, damn it, damn it._

Then he was gone, and I just lay there thinking - OK, so what now?


	6. Chapter 6

I fell back to sleep somehow and when I woke up, the light had changed outside the window and it was after twelve. I thanked God that I had the day off, I wouldn’t have been fit for work at all, and the thought of going through shitty donations and tidying endless racks of battered sneakers and handbags while feeling as shitty as I did just didn’t bear thinking about. I lay there in the bed, still feeling exhausted, and kind of sad. 

It was kind of unbelievable that Stone had actually been here just a few hours ago, next to me - it already seemed like forever ago, or worse - like a dream or something, not real at all. The faint ache inside me told me that it definitely had happened, as did the trace of his scent on my sheets. I wondered if I would even hear from him, it wasn’t lost on me that he didn’t actually have my number and would have to ask Alicia for it or something, which seemed unlikely. I couldn’t get my head around how interested he had seemed right up until after we had sex, it was just such a cliche and considering how smart everyone said he was, I couldn’t really believe he would act that way. I guessed that things came easy to him- he was gorgeous, talented, privileged. He was in a hot band right now and I’d seen the way girls threw themselves at him. Why would I think he would be into me, beyond a hookup? _Lesson learned, Sara,_ I told myself.

I lay in bed for a long time and eventually surfaced to make some coffee. I wanted to go for a walk or something but it was - predictably - raining steadily outside the window. I glanced at the phone, and then went over and dialled Alicia. She answered after several rings.

“Leesh, you around?”

She yawned on the other end of the phone. “Uh, yeah, I’m just kinda dying right now.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Oh fuck, I totally forgot - you and Stone, huh? Called it.”

“Um, yeah I guess he came back here.”

“Well done. I wanna know details. You want to meet? I could eat.” 

I laughed at how quickly she went from “dying” to wanting to meet up, such was her love of gossiping about her friends. “That would be good.”

“Annie’s diner. Y’know by the Crocodile? I’ll be there in an hour.”

I dressed quickly, tried to make myself look a bit more human considering the dark circles under my eyes and my hangover, and cycled over, my rain coat hood pulled as far down as possible. Alicia was already at a table inside. She looked about as bad as me, with the same dark circles, and what looked like a rash from someone’s stubble on her face - _OK, what happened there?_ She smiled weakly at me and I slouched into the booth seat. “I already ordered the coffee,” she said and I loved her on the spot.

“So! Spill. Did you have fun? I don’t want, like, super-gory details but I definitely want the R rated version.” 

I laughed. “Oh god. Well, so, um… fourth base.”

She rolled her eyes. “What are you, twelve? What even is that? Did you guys like, go, um… south of the border?” At this a waitress was walking by and we both cracked up, she gave us a funny look. At least this was cheering me up. I glanced around the fairly busy cafe and said in a low voice, “Not _me_.”

She raised one eyebrow as high as possible. “Wow, OK, well done Stoney, I’m proud of him. And I’m assuming you -“ she mouthed it- “fucked?”

“Uh, well, pretty blunt Leesh but yeah, we did.”

She whooped and the waitress looked over irritably again. “Was it good? Please tell me it was good.”

I smiled, remembering. “It was definitely good.”

“Oh thank God. You can lighten up now! “ She smiled at me. “You did it baby, you officially moved on from that dickwad Logan.”

“Yeah.” The waitress brought the coffee over and I played with the napkin. “But, um- he kind of left like super early and I dunno, it seemed a little weird.”

She frowned. “Yeah, how?”

“He just said like he didn’t want a relationship right now and we should keep it casual. But even then, it kind of seemed like he just wanted to get away.”

“Huh.” Alicia frowned. “That’s kind of weird. I guess I know he’s not exactly a girlfriend kind of guy, he never has been, but I think those guys in bands just have a lot of options and they’re touring and whatever, so it’s-“ She broke off. “Do you want to see him again?”

“I don’t know. I guess so. But I was kind of pissed at how he acted today.”

“You want me to talk to him?”

“NO!”

She grinned, drinking her coffee. “Well, just see what happens. Jeff’s invited us to a party at his next weekend, so maybe you’ll get a second ride.”

“ _Ride?_ ”

“Yeah, on the, like… love rollercoaster.” We both dissolved into inane laughter, much to the annoyance of the other customers. I suddenly remembered what I wanted to ask.

“And how about you? Wait, did you go home with Jeff?” I suddenly had a flash of inspiration. Her blushing face told me all I needed to know. “Oh my god, yes!” I said.

“Yeah, it was crazy. We lost you guys after they played, me and Jeff were playing some drinking game with Mike Starr and his crew before Alice played, and fuck, that guy is just off the wall, he is not actually human. I literally don’t know how he even picked up his bass after that. Anyways I think Jeff normally has to drive the Love Bone van but he swapped out with someone else, so he’d got real drunk and he couldn’t handle it too well, so I guess I played babysitter for him, we got a taxi back to his place.”

“And?!” I said. “You didn’t take advantage of the poor guy I hope?”

She smiled, shook her head. “You know what, Jeff is such a great guy. He’s like a total gentleman even when he’s fucked up. I slept in his bed but we just cuddled, which was really nice. His body though,” she smiled mischieviously. I rolled my eyes. “Then this morning he was really sweet about me looking after him last night, and one thing led to another and we kissed and stuff, not really a lot more than that, but it was good.”

“Just good?”

“I think he might be a little too _nice_ for me.”

“Only you would think that, Leesh!”

“Yeah, jeez you think maybe I should fuck Stone?!”

I narrowed my eyes at her and she laughed. “Nah, I don’t do guys who are prettier than me.”

We ordered some breakfast and swapped more stories about the night, when suddenly I spotted Chris Cornell loping into the diner, his unmistakable tall frame and that incredible face. His long curls were pulled back in a bun and he somehow looked even more striking. He slouched into a booth, taking out a small notebook and a bitten ballpoint pen missing a lid, and started scribbling away, oblivious to the waitress when she brought his coffee. He seemed absorbed in his own world. I nudged Alicia and her eyes widened.

“God, you know those guys are touring in Europe in like a week or two? It’s insane. They used to play to like thirty people at the Central Tavern and now what.”

“Wow, that’s pretty huge. I actually met him last night.”

“No way!”she said in a stage whisper. I shushed her. Not that I thought he would hear, he was wrapped up in his scribblings. “Go say hi!”

“Uh, nope.”

“You’re no fun.” She stared at him ostentatiously and I glared at her. Just then, a pretty dark-haired girl came in, flustered-looking, taking down her umbrella. She saw Chris at his booth and went over, and when he looked up and smiled at her his whole face lit up. I wondered if that was Susan that he had been looking for last night. They were really cute, they kissed in full view of the diner then she squeezed in the booth next to him and he went through his writings with her, both of them seeming totally absorbed. 

“Well, RIP to that then,” Alicia said disappointedly, draining her coffee.

“Shh. They’re cute,” I said, thinking with a pang that no one was going to look at me like that. The episode with Stone had actually started to make me feel worse than before.

After lunch, we wandered around the Market, checking out the little pop-up jewellery stalls and the farmer’s market, and getting more coffee. I saw another Mother Love Bone flyer flapping off a lamppost and felt another pang at the drawing of the guys, it only reminded me of Stone. Alicia saw it too and linked her arm through mine, saying, “It’s gonna be OK”. I guessed that I would find that out next week, at Jeff’s party.


	7. Chapter 7

The week dragged so bad. It seemed like all of the customers were on a mission to piss me off: leaving stuff on the floor under the racks, asking if we had stuff in the next size (it’s a goddamn thrift store, not Sears), paying with chunks of change that I had to count out while they stood their tapping their foot. 

I turned down an offer from my friends to go out, thinking I had had enough of being tired and hungover all the time, and the party at the weekend would be enough. Lil was back from her parents’ and we spent a painfully awkward couple of evenings in the apartment. She was a nice enough girl, but she so fully had all her shit together that I couldn’t help but feel inadequate around her and I’m sure she thought it was pretty much a disaster, college dropout and fairly recently dumped, always a little unkempt and my shelf in the kitchen consisting only of things like Advil, vodka and dried pasta. She was shiny-haired, put-together, she even practised fucking tai-chi. 

On Thursday I met up with Grace after we both got off work - she was an assistant at a photography studio near Pike Place. I played down the night with Stone, not wanting to make her listen to the details given that she had liked him in the past. We wandered through Pioneer Square, drinking coffee and talking about her crush on this guy Charles who was doing some work with her boss. 

“He’s got this amazing eye, I never saw anyone shoot bands like that before,” she sighed, and I smiled as it was clear she liked the guy. “I mean, he can even make Mark Arm look cool which is almost impossible.” 

I giggled, I had met Mark a couple of times at parties. He was really funny and kind of dorky, but I knew he was well respected in the scene and she was just teasing.

“So I managed to persuade him to come to Jeff’s party and take some shots, he’s known all the guys forever anyway.”

I nudged her. “Oh yeah, so it’s strictly a work thing huh?” 

She smiled and batted her eyelashes. “I’m just looking out for his career.”

“You’re such a good person.”

“I know,”

We were just nearing a cross-walk when Grace grabbed my arm and said, “Oh hey, it’s Stone and Andy.”

My heart did a flip-flop as I spotted the two of them on the other side of the street, Andy was totally unmistakeable with his mane of blonde hair spread over his shoulders, his infectious laugh loud enough to be heard from where we were. They were both laughing and talking about something enthusiastically and I smiled involuntarily, before feeling a pang that Stone was clearly doing great and I was mooning around. Also, there was no way I wanted to see him right now. 

“Um, actually you want to go this way? I forgot there was this, um, cool vintage place I wanted you to check out,” I said, putting my hand on Grace’s arm.

“God, no, I am not allowed to look at vintage until I get paid,” Grace said. “C’mon, let’s go say hi.”

“Gracey-“

She stared at me. “What?”

The light changed and she shook her head, pulling me across with her. Unfortunately Andy had seen us too and he yelled, “Well if it isn’t the Cocteau Twins!”

Grace grinned and said, “One of the Cocteau Twins is a fucking _guy_ , you idiot,” as we walked towards them.

“I know but I feel like it just _sounds_ so cool. Stoney, wouldn’t you just love to be in a band with a cool name? Oh, wait-“ 

Andy grinned cheekily at Stone who smiled quickly, glanced at me and then away. _Oh my god_. _This couldn’t be more awkward._

 _“_ Hi,” he said.

“Um, hey,” I said, biting my lip as I looked from Stone to Andy. I wondered how much Stone had told him about what happened. It felt like Andy and Grace were kind of watching to see what we would do. Stone had crossed his arms over his chest and was focusing very much on his friend. It didn’t give me very good vibes. 

There was the briefest of awkward pauses then Grace quickly jumped in.

“I heard you guys met with Mercury again at the weekend? Does this mean the record is coming out soon?”

“Yes!” Andy said and “Uh, not like _too_ soon” Stone said at the exact same time. I stared at Stone, then Andy, _what was that about?_ Stone didn’t sound too pumped for someone who apparently had a record coming out with a major label, also, _wow_? I guess I really didn’t know a lot about him. 

“It’s probably going to be like, in the new year,” Stone supplemented neutrally. Grace smiled encouragingly, saying how cool it was.

Andy’s smile had only faltered for a moment and then he quickly said, “And then, world domination is gonna be, I’ma say, April.”

Stone smiled affectionately at Andy and I kind of melted, _argh, no, remember you’re mad at him._

“To be more precise, it’s gonna be like, right around April fourteenth,” Stone quipped.

“Right,” Grace giggled.

“Mark your calendar,” he continued.

“We definitely will.”

I remembered they had hooked up before, and suddenly felt a flash of annoyance. Hadn’t I just slept with this guy, and he was acting like I wasn’t even there? _What the hell?_

“Well don’t let it go to your head or anything,” I said then, and everyone looked at me. I think it came out more pissed off than I intended, I could see Grace studying me confused and I didn’t even look at Stone.

“Honey, that ship has totally sailed,” Andy said, the warm twang of his accent making me smile.

“Grace, we should go, we’ve got that.. um, dinner,” I said, and I prayed she would catch my drift and play along. I realised Stone was studying me and I swallowed, trying to keep on my brave face. 

“Are you coming to Jeff’s this weekend?”he asked then.

My heart picked up and I stammered, “Um…. yeah, I think… we were…”

“Absolutely,” Grace said definitively. “Oh, Charles is gonna come and take some photos too! He’s working at my studio right now and he said he thought it sounded cool.” The guys nodded appreciatively. “Anyways, yeah, we have this dinner thing so we gotta split, but see y’all then.” 

“Later,” they said, and then we were gone. 

Once they were out of earshot Grace said, “So that was kind of weird.”

“Um, well, Stone’s a kind of weird guy you know.”

“He definitely is, but that was like— what exactly happened with you guys the other night? Are you holding back on me?” She paused at the street corner, noticed I wouldn’t look at her. “Sara.”

“Ugh, I didn’t want to go into it but it got a little weird, I woke up and he was already leaving.”

“What the fuck!? After you just had sex?”

“Um, yeah pretty much.”

She looked at me sympathetically. 

“Sara, I didn’t want to be right about this, and I obviously don’t know what went on, but…. uh - been there. You know?” I nodded, remembering what she had said to me before. “I don’t know, he’s pretty spoilt I think, and I guess the Green River hype and now Mother Love Bone has gone to his head a little, but it’s not an excuse. You deserve way better. To be honest I told Alicia it wasn’t a great idea to try and hook you guys up.”

“Well, it’s done now anyway.”

“Do you want to get, like, actual dinner, not fake dinner?”

After spending the evening with Grace, I did feel a little better. I slept, made an effort to tidy the apartment the next morning before leaving for work, and even smiled at a few customers… It didn’t feel great what had happened, but I just assumed I had to forget about it now. The messy breakup with Logan had been the worst pain I had ever gone through, so I knew I could survive. Sometimes I still remembered how terrible I had felt that last day, after I confronted him about the condoms I found in his car and he went postal. I just had to keep looking forward.

However, I still made sure I had pre-drinks before Jeff’s party on Saturday. I decided to wear something that wouldn’t draw attention to me, just some jeans and a loose tshirt, but when Alicia, Meg and Grace arrived to pick me up they were all unimpressed and made me go back in and change, into a ditsy floral tea-dress I had found in a vintage store. 

“The look you’re going for is ‘over it, but still hot’ “Grace informed me, teasing my hair a little, and I had to laugh.

On the way to Jeff’s building we were singing along to Judas Priest at the top of our voices in Alicia’s car.

“Oh my god, remember when Stone would not fucking shut up about KK Downing?” Meg said, laughing. “It was like his ultimate man crush, I’m like, Stone, you will never achieve it, I don’t care how much shitty jewellery you buy at Claire’s,” 

The girls laughed out loud and I noticed Grace glance at me, I mouthed “it’s OK”. 

“So, uh, is Layne gonna be there you think?” I teased Meg, who wiggled her eyebrows.

“Guys, I don’t kiss and tell but seriously, look into this guy.”

“Eww, no, they are all such tramps,”Alicia said exaggeratedly and I giggled, it definitely had seemed like the Alice in Chains guys were more of the Motley Crue persuasion than some of the other Seattle bands.

“I’m just saying, he is a very creative guy.”

“Shut. Up.”

We pulled up outside a brick building and Alicia let us out, going to find a parking spot. There was music blaring, voices coming out of several windows, it seemed like quite a party spot like a lot of this part of town that was full of students and band people. Grace spotted someone she knew going in and we went after him. 

“This is Hiro, Hiro this is our friend Sara.”

“Hey, I’ve seen you around actually,” he smiled, his dark eyes warm. “You guys going to Jeff’s?” 

We all got in the elevator and went up to Jeff’s floor, it was the sixth and when we stepped out there was a cool view over the city through the window in the hall. Hiro was actually in Soundgarden with Chris Cornell, though he was super modest about it, even about the fact that they were getting ready to go on their Europe tour. He said he was most excited about getting to check out the museums in London, where he had always wanted to go - I thought that was incredibly cute.

Jeff’s party was in full swing when we arrived and we navigated through to the kitchen to see what the alcohol situation was. Pretty comprehensive, as it turned out. There was about ten different bottles of whiskey, vodka, and stacks of beer, with a couple of token bowls of chips. The party scene in Seattle was totally wild compared to back home in Cleveland, these guys went hard and it wasn’t really a party unless someone ended up with their head in the toilet. I didn’t want that person to be me, so I took a cup of tap water along with a single shot of vodka and a lot of Coke, I was feeling buzzed already anyway. 

Hiro had disappeared to meet his friends, and Grace went to see if she could find Charles yet, while Meg and I bumped into Mark Arm and his bandmate Steve. Mark started a flirting campaign with Meg which was kind of amusing since he was pretty far from her usual type, although he was hilarious and cute. Steve gave me the one-two, tried to make half hearted conversation.

“So you’re from -“

“Ohio,” I finished for him.

“Right.” 

“You’re from Seattle?”

“Yeah, I went to school with a bunch of these guys. You know Stone Gossard?”

 _Ugh, could I not escape this guy?_ “Um, yeah, kind of.”

“We used to be in a band together.”

“Oh, cool.”

He snorted unappreciatively, “We sucked.”

“Oh.”

“So you’re Meg’s friend?” 

“That’s right.”

“Huh.” 

I saw Mark catch my eye, and grin at Steve.

“Turner, what have I told ya about being such a fucking lady killer? Stop charming this girl right now, I don’t think she can handle it anymore.”

Steve glared at Mark and drank some more beer, scanning the rest of the party. 

“So like, how is everyone going to Europe now? This is crazy!” Meg said, and Mark toasted her with his beer bottle. I guess his band Mudhoney were going to tour in the UK soon too. Steve nodded like it wasn’t that big a deal.

“Yeah, except Mother Love Bone though, huh?” he said drily. 

I glanced at him, frowning. 

“You know what they say, if you build it, you’ll have to go four thousand goddamn miles and they will come,” Mark quipped quickly, breaking the awkwardness. I had to laugh, he had zero ego and was just totally himself.

“I need more drink,” declared Meg, and she promptly took me by the hand and pulled me out of the conversation with Steve. 

“What’s the deal with their old band or whatever?”

“Green River? Yeah, that was weird. He had some issue with Stone and Jeff actually, he just quit the band, I’m sure they were all devastated.”

Just then Grace came towards us with a tall, kind of shy-looking guy with amazing eyes and floppy hair, carrying an expensive-looking camera. 

“Get this guy a drink,” she said smiling, flushed. “I just found him taking pictures of Andy in the actual shower.” 

I laughed in disbelief. Charles took a beer and started fiddling with his camera. 

“So you take pictures of bands?” I asked, interested. 

“Yeah, I actually started when I was rooming with Mark.” He nodded over at Mark, who called, “C-dog, as I live and breathe!” before going back to flirting with another random girl. “I just do it for fun, um, I’m actually trying to get a job at Sub Pop right now.”

“The label,” Meg filled me in.

“Oh, cool,” I said, assuming it must be. “Like as a photographer?”

“Yeah, I mean, I think it could be a big part of what they’re trying to do,” he said, suddenly passionate. “I guess you’ve probably been to the shows, you know how intense it is?” I nodded, I absolutely did. “Like, imagine if you could capture something of that on record. It’s like Bruce was saying to me the other day, there’s something totally real going on here and I just want to try and get it down. Uh, if that doesn’t sound too fucking… lame.” 

I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head, it wasn’t lame. Seeing all these creative people I had met talking about their passions was just wonderful and it was the reason why I never went back to Cleveland. 

“I’d love to see some of your stuff,” I said genuinely. He nodded enthusiastically, saying he could give Grace some proofs next time they were working together. I winked at her and she blushed. 

“And now-“ Charles fiddled with some buttons on his camera and pointed it at the three of us, me, Grace and Meg. “I gotta shoot you guys.”

“No!” I said, putting my hand over my face, and Meg slapped it away giggling.

“You guys are models,” he said, snapping away and we all cracked up laughing, after which he lowered his camera. “That’s the shot right there,” he declared. We all made self deprecating comments like we never wanted to see the photo, but we obviously all completely did.

Out of the corner of my eye, I was kind of aware of someone watching me, and I looked to see Stone and Jeff leaning against the opposite wall, talking. 

They both looked hot, a little pared down from their rock star stage look, Jeff missing his crazy hat and Stone with his hair pulled back, which only made his big eyes and ridiculous cheekbones stand out more. I looked away quickly, but then I couldn’t help looking back and our eyes met, I felt the buzz between us from across the room. Jeff said something to Stone and he smiled, I felt my heart pick up and turned back to my friends.

“I’m just gonna find the bathroom.”

Grace was still chatting to Charles and Meg actually went over to Stone and Jeff, so I slipped away quickly, both hoping he would follow me and also really hoping he didn’t. 

Andy was apparently no longer in the shower, so I quickly went in and locked the door behind me, looking around at the usual guy-bathroom detritus. I stared at myself in the mirror, I thought I looked OK at least. I just needed to make sure I found other people to talk to who weren’t in Mother Love Bone for literally the rest of the night. 

I only got a few moments before someone banged drunkenly on the door and I reluctantly went out. I wasn’t sure what to do next, I didn’t want to deal with Stone right now, so I stood in the hallway thinking. Across the hall was the open door to I assumed Jeff’s bedroom, it was incredibly messy and the walls looked like they were covered in music posters. But I was surprised to also see a big half-finished canvas leaning against the wall, an explosion of colour and experimental shapes. So he was an artist too?

“Hey, Sara, right?” I looked around and there he was. I’d met him the other night before the show but I realised now how good looking he actually was, with the most amazing blue eyes- and what Alicia had said about his body was true, it was ridiculous. Unlike a lot of the Seattle guys he clearly worked out, which reminded me more of the guys back home who lived in the gym or on the football field. 

I found myself weirdly nervous, saying- “Uh, yeah, hi. Thanks for inviting us.”

He smiled, and I felt, like, butterflies or something - _what the hell?_

“No, it’s great to see you guys. Sorry about the general mess,” he added.

I chuckled. “Dude, you need to see my bedroom.”

I suddenly realised exactly what that sounded like and we both burst out laughing at the same time, his laugh was so cute and I squealed, 

“Oh my god, but like, not in a creepy way I SWEAR!”

“No, it’s all good, the creepy way is good,” he said teasingly and I tucked hair behind my ear thinking, _oh god Sara you total freak._

“So, um- you were at the show the other night? What’d you think?”

That night was just tainted for me now because of what happened after and I was mad about it. “Um, I loved it!” I said, trying my hardest to smile. “I honestly think it’s the best show I’ve ever seen.” That was true at least. He raised his eyebrows.

“You know flattery will get you everywhere.”

“Nooo I’m not bullshitting, it was fucking great. I had no idea you guys already had a deal and stuff. So awesome.”

He nodded enthusiastically. “We just got done recording the end of last month. It was a total trip, like, i’ve been playing in bands forever so I’m pumped. The record won’t be out for a while but they want us to tour and stuff, do some press.”

I suddenly wondered if he knew anything about me and Stone. It seemed like if he did, why would he have come to find me? I had an inkling that he was kind of flirting too. Maybe he didn’t know, after all he hadn’t been around that night of the show, when Stone and I had been clearly together. 

“That’s so cool. You were in Green River, right?” I said, thinking about what Meg had just told me.

“Yeah, me and Stone. You know him?”

OK, it seemed like somehow he didn’t know about us. “Uh, kind of,” I said non-committally. 

Jeff interpreted this a certain way because he chuckled and said, “You get used to him. When I first met the guy I couldn’t imagine even hanging out with him, and we’ve been playing in bands for nearly five years now, it’s like the longest relationship I’ve ever had.” 

I giggled and saw him look at my mouth, then back at my eyes. Yes, he was definitely flirting. 

“Again, not being creepy, but I just saw your art,” I motioned into his room. “So cool. I’ve seen some stuff like that around town and I wondered how they did it.”

“Well, hey, it could’ve been some of my stuff,” he said enthusiastically. “I’m a total vandal, just go around with a spray can taking my shit out on the world.”

“You go to art school?” I remembered something of what Stone had told me about Jeff when we were in the park.

“Uh, yeah, back in Montana I was studying graphic design. It’s still my backup I guess.”

Jeff asked if I wanted to go see some of his stuff and I was thrilled, we spent some time going through his sketch books and I got a closer look at the canvas he was working on. He seemed to keep going back to different versions of this image of a stick person, it was almost like a modern rendering of a cave painting or something, it was a simple image but I liked it. He had a bold style.

“That’s awesome. I’m a writer, actually, but I always wanted to draw.”

“Well I can’t write for shit, but I wish I could, so..” 

We exchanged smiles. I suddenly realised we were alone in his bedroom and we should probably get back to the main party.

“Uh, I should probably go find Alicia, you seen her yet?” I asked, wanting to see what he did if I mentioned her considering they had spent the night together the previous weekend.

“Yeah, she’s talking to Stone actually. So I should probably rescue her,” he quipped. I hoped very much that Alicia was not giving Stone a hard time about me…. We went back into the lounge and I saw them in conversation, realised I would just have to brazen this out.

“Hey, you were parking forever,” I said, directing all my attention to my friend. Stone looked at Jeff, then me, and I could tell he was trying to figure this out since we had arrived back together.

“Ugh, i know, I hate this whole town,” Alicia said, necking her drink.

“Leesh, everybody loves our town, did you not get the memo?” Stone said completely deadpan, and I must have missed the joke but everyone else cracked up. He glanced at me and I looked away, irritated that he was still not engaging with me, and also that he hadn’t come to talk to me just now. Well his equally attractive friend had, so fuck him. I smiled at Jeff winningly.

“When do I stop feeling like the out of towner, huh?” I said, and he nodded sympathetically, he was from Montana.

“I mean, Cleveland at least has, like, roads,” he said.

“Less buffalo too, probably,” Stone interjected. I regarded him coolly. Alicia snorted with laughter, more at my diss of Stone’s joke than the actual joke, and it made me laugh too, which clearly unnerved him.

“I’m gonna go find Andy, Xana told me to keep an eye on him,” Stone said then, and abruptly left the group; I tried not to care. 

We started talking about Mother Love Bone and I watched Jeff and Alicia, wondering if she was still into him.

The evening got a little hazy at some point, but it was fun, tempered only by the fact that not once did Stone come talk to me. I could not figure the guy out at all, and the only cure was to keep drinking - something that I came to regret the next day when I had to rush out of Alicia’s apartment looking like something the cat dragged in, before my shift started at the store.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: (some) SMUT WARNING

I stuck to my not-going-out-so-much policy for exactly four days before I agreed to another night out, this time to go see Soundgarden’s farewell show at the Moore Theatre. I had walked past the venue a lot of times and was excited to actually go to a show there, it was an awesome old school theater. 

We managed to get in without waiting in line because Alicia knew the door guy, and the place was already filling up. There was a buzz of excitement in the air, everyone was super excited for Chris and his band, it seemed like Seattle was finally getting some attention and their hard work was paying off.

Meg insisted we all go backstage, saying it was easy, and after some flirting we got past the security guy we went through the corridor and into the main dressing room where Chris, Hiro and I assume the other guys in his band were holding court, along with other people I vaguely recognised- including Charles the photographer from the other night, who was snapping away, focusing especially on beautiful Chris, who seemed like a great subject to photograph. 

I heard someone talking about Mother Love Bone and then something about Andy, which was abruptly shushed and the conversation changed quickly, which I thought was kind of weird. I found myself getting tipsy fast, but the Soundgarden guys were ten times worse - I wondered how they were even going to get through their set, Chris especially was drinking heavily.

Soon it was time for them to get ready to go onstage and I wandered back out with the girls and Charles, who wanted to capture some of the crowd. When we were confronted with the sight of Stone, Jeff and Greg - who I recognised to be their drummer - I was thinking, _oh jeez,_ and Charles took some photos of them. It made me laugh to see that they were super aware of the cameras already and clearly had all their angles worked out. Meg was asking them where Andy was and they all clammed up at that, saying something about how he had the flu, but it was obvious there was something else.

When the announcement came on for Soundgarden to come on there was a crush forward and Chris took centre stage, he looked pretty much like a sexy Jesus with the voice of a devil. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him. But at the same time I was aware of Stone near me and every time I glanced at him I saw him look away. 

It was just too much, I couldn’t enjoy the music. In the end I said, “I need water”, and looked at him again, straight in the eyes, like _what the fuck_? Before turning and pushing my way out of the crowd.

I knew Stone was going to follow me, but I thought, let him. I pushed through the bodies, noticing a couple of people looking at me as I went. I knew I looked good and I also knew that however nervous or messed up I felt about the situation with Stone, I had to just act as if none of it mattered. 

I gave a slight smile to the security guy standing by the door to backstage and he let me past, it really was as easy as the girls said, you just had to look like you belonged there, and pretty girls always belong backstage at a rock concert. I pushed open the swing doors and stepped into the dimly lit corridor, no one was around, they were either on stage or in the wings watching. I stopped when I heard the doors again behind me. 

I turned. Stone was standing there a few feet away from me. I raised an eyebrow, my heart was pounding but I was OK. 

“Hey, what’s up?” I said coolly.

“Right, so that’s what we’re doing,” he said drily, his eyes slightly narrowed.

“What we’re _doing_?”

“It’s pretty obvious you wanted me to follow you.”

“Would you stop assuming you know what I want?!” I said exasperated, thinking he was totally full of it. Fuck him, honestly. _Or, don’t fuck him more like._ “You blew me off literally a few hours after we had sex, because you ‘didn’t want a relationship’, which by the way, no one asked you for,” As I was talking I could see his green eyes flash with irritation, which only spurred me on. “Then you avoided me for the past two weeks because I’m obviously such a desperate stalker, what, because we had sex once? Get over yourself.” I was pissed off, it wasn’t just the alcohol talking. Seeing him only reminded me of that night and how undeniably amazing it had been, we’d both wanted it and what’s more, we had had a good time before we slept together too, it had been easy and fun and I was mad that we couldn’t just enjoy whatever that was. Also, I still really wanted him, which was so frustrating. He looked so fucking good right now. _Don’t think about that, Sara, it’s not going to go anywhere good…_

“Are you done?” he said.

I nodded.

He exhaled, opened his mouth as if to reply, I raised an eyebrow trying to maintain my strong position- then, to my surprise he crossed the space between us, grabbed my wrist and backed me into the wall of the corridor. Around us the music from the stage was so loud, the bass pounding through the walls, and suddenly we were so close, but he didn’t kiss me, didn’t do anything else, I could sense that I was going to have to decide what happened next. And suddenly I had no fucking idea what that should be, because just being near him was having that effect on me again. We were both breathing a little harder, taking each other in. It was impossible not to think about that night. But I was also suddenly thinking about Jeff - about how easy he was to be with, his sweetness. _What did that mean?_ I swallowed, trying not to look at his lips, his eyes.

“OK, so, what?” Stone said quietly, looking hard at me. “What do you want?”

I actually had no idea. I knew what my body wanted at that moment, but I also knew it wasn’t the best judge. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. He shook his head slightly, went to take a step back from me - and I found myself pulling him back by his shirt, kissing him hard. 

It was electric, and I felt my whole body melt into his. Anyone could have just walked in but I didn’t care. I suddenly just wanted nothing more than him, and all my resolve from before was totally forgotten. I slid my hands under his shirt, running them over his chest. We both broke away breathing hard and I said, before I knew what I was doing: “You, I just want you” - and in that moment I really meant it, and it didn’t even feel awkward to say it because it was nothing but the truth. 

Stone kissed, rough and needy, and I tangled my hand in his hair, felt his hand on my neck, down to my waist then suddenly on my bare leg, and pulling aside my underwear. I cried out louder than I intended when he pushed his fingers inside me, and he kissed me again to stifle my moans, wincing when I bit down too hard on his lip but never stopping, his deft fingers working some kind of insane magic that had me completely under his control yet again. I was so close already, whimpering close to his ear which I could see was seriously affecting him, his concentration wavering a little, we were both oblivious to anything else.

“ _Fuck_ \- oh Jesus -“ I gasped, coming hard against his hand. He didn’t stop until it subsided and then withdrew his hand, my breathing gradually slowing but both of us still caught up in it.

Suddenly the swing door flung open - and I saw Greg, the drummer from Mother Love Bone, stop at the door and take in what was going on, then just turn and go right back out.

Stone stared at me and I said softly, “Greg” and he rolled his eyes and said quietly, “Oh, excellent”, as if it really wasn’t - I got the impression they didn’t get on particularly well. 

“It’s OK” I said uselessly, exhaling hard, trying to gather myself. This was crazy, it’s not like we were going to have sex right here in the corridor of the venue, and I also was unsure exactly what to do next.

There was a roar from the crowd beyond the corridor and I knew the band would be coming back here any minute now, I had a sense that both of us were in no state to rejoin the others but wasn’t sure of the alternative. Also, Jeff was somewhere out there, and he was going to be wondering where I was, and probably where Stone was. Stone could obviously tell I was beginning to freak out a little, and he stepped away from me, 

I could see him trying to compose himself. I ran my fingers through my hair to try and neaten it, smoothed down my clothes, but the whole time I was still thinking - _Stone._ Not wanting to just pretend this hadn’t happened, or it to be over.

I looked at him, trying to get him to engage with me, but he looked away after a moment, saying - “Um- I guess we should-“

I stayed where I was, my back to the wall. _Not again, seriously?_

“I’ll go first..” He started - then I realised he actually was doing what I thought, he was doing this to me again - and with the familiar rush of anger that I had felt just moments before, I stormed past him, saying, “No, I got it” and shoved the doors open, back into the packed hall. 

The band had left the stage and now hardcore music was blaring from the PA and people were talking, yelling, it was dark and deafening. My whole body was on fire with frustration of every kind.

I was scanning around for my friends when I saw Grace swaying unsteadily to the music and quickly went to her, saying, “Hey - wait, are you OK?” She looked at me with glassy eyes and I could tell she wasn’t in a great way, I wondered where everyone else was. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” 

She fortunately went with me easily and I purposefully took us out of the main hall, aware that Stone was somewhere back there and just wanting to get away from him. The lobby area was too bright, full of drunk or high people and it felt surreal, particularly after all that had just happened. I pulled Grace into a corner and looked at her again. “Are you ok sweetie?” 

She smiled benignly at me and I guessed that she’d taken something, when I was close to her I could smell a slightly sweet stench like vomit and the makeup around her eyes was smudged. _Where was Alicia right now?_ She shouldn’t have left Grace on her own. 

I licked my finger and tried to wipe some of the black eyeliner from her face with my thumb, which made her giggle, somehow that felt like a good sign she was OK. “Fuck, man,” she said dreamily, “I just love you so much.”

“Yes, Grace,” I said patiently, used to her fawning when she was drunk.

“You deserve like only good things,”

“Thanks, honey.”

“I _told_ you about Stoney, huh? I tried to tell you-“

I swallowed, realising I would probably have to lie to my friend at some point. “Yeah, you were right. He’s kind of an asshole.”

“But he is so fucking cute right? Like why is he even that cute, it’s just…. shitty!!!”she said mournfully, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Definitely,” I was thinking about where I could get some water for her pretty quick, when I heard a voice behind me, “Sara?”

It was Jeff, his arms crossed in front of his chest, missing his trademark hat now. I realised I was more than happy to see him - though I wasn’t sure he felt the same way considering he looked confused and even maybe a little pissed that I had disappeared earlier.

“Oh, uh, hi,” I said, trying to play it off, still very aware of what had just happened with Stone and feeling like it must be obvious to anyone.

“We lost you earlier,” he said, his voice kind of neutral, but I still wasn’t sure. 

Grace blinked at him and then barrelled into his arms, squealing, “Jeffy, heyyyyy!” He caught her in his muscular arms and grinned over the top of her head at me, I really liked how he was so quick to smile, and I knew he wouldn’t make her feel bad. 

“Oh, hey Grace. You having a good time?”

“Yeah, but I wanna go home,” she said. “Can you take me home?”

“Uhhh—“ he looked at me, and I nodded quickly. “Sure. I’m driving anyway, we were gonna stick around a little longer but, uh, it’s cool.” He carefully let Grace go and I pulled her back gently, she leaned her head on my shoulder, suddenly seeming tired. 

I smiled gratefully at Jeff, realising how gorgeous he was, his deep blue eyes and easy smile, the clear line of his jaw and his ridiculous body. He was pretty much opposite in every way to Stone, and right now, that was a good thing. “I’ll just go tell the guys and you guys can meet me in the parking lot in ten?”

“Cool.” I said, immediately wondering if he would see Stone, or worse, Greg- I didn’t know the guy well enough to know if he would be able to keep anything on the down-low, and he had definitely seen Stone and I in the corridor just now. 

“OK honey, let’s go to the bathroom then we’ll go find the van,” I said, walking her over to the bathrooms which were also packed with people, there was no hope of getting in a stall but I managed to fight our way to a sink where I made Grace put her head under the tap to drink some water, just hoping it was actually potable as the last thing we needed was Grace being sick in Mother Love Bone’s van… The water seemed to help and I was just holding back her hair for her when I heard some girls behind us talking-

“You know he’s in fucking rehab though, my cousin just got out and it was like the first thing she told me. He’s there right now, he just got there.”

“Get out, _seriously_? Didn’t they just make a record or something?”

“He’s so trash, that’s Bainbridge for ya.”

“Oh, you know I actually saw Stoney Gossard a few minutes ago and he looked pretty bummed out so I guess that figures.”

They went out of the bathrooms still talking and I felt shocked, realising they must have been talking about Andy Wood. So that explained where he was, and why the guys were cagey about it. I also realised with a slight pang that that had to be hard on Stone, and it wasn’t the kind of thing that would have happened suddenly. I remembered what he had said that morning he left - _Things are kind of crazy for me right now_. Maybe this wasn’t just all about him being an asshole…

“C’mon, sweetie, let’s go.” 

I led her out by the hand, praying we wouldn’t bump into anyone else we knew, and when we got out into the parking lot we were hit by a mist of rain. Jeff was standing by the van already, wearing a padded jacket now and looking much less rockstar, and we ran towards the van to get out of the rain. 

“Sorry it’s gonna be kinda snug,” he said, opening the door and letting us in amongst the guitars and amps.

“No, it’s perfect. Thanks for this,” I said, settling Grace in, who lay out across the whole seat. “Um, can you take us to Valley Street, it’s in Queen Anne.”

He nodded. “Hey, you wanna ride shotgun?” 

We both looked at Grace taking up the seat and I laughed, “I guess so.”

I went around to the passenger’s side and got in, he started up the engine and pulled out of the lot, carefully avoiding the drunk people weaving out of the club. Saturday night traffic was heavy and I people-watched out of the window. 

Jeff switched the radio until he got to a country station, and I glanced at him, to which he smiled that amazing smile and said, “What?! I’m a country boy.”

“Not any more you’re not,” I teased. “How long you been in Seattle now?”

“Too- damn- long,” he said, his eyes on the road. I admired his clear, strong profile, the way his hair curled at the ends around his collarbone. “So, uh- where did you go before? I was looking for you like all over.”

 _OK._ “I was, um. There was a long line for the bathroom and I got talking to some friends and stuff.”

He nodded neutrally. “Yeah, it was pretty insane in there. We lost like everyone. I think Alicia was actually on stage at one point, Stone was like, in the shittiest mood, I guess he went home.” I swallowed. _Play it cool._ “I don’t wanna go into it too much, just we’re having some problems in the band. With Andy.” I saw his brows knit together a little. “I don’t think we’re gonna be able to play any more shows this year, which is…” He shook his head. “It’s tough.”

“Wow, that sucks. Is he, like, OK?”

“I mean, in a matter of speaking. He has some.. problems.” I could tell this was hard for Jeff to talk about and I didn’t want to pry.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I glanced back at Grace who seemed to be snoring lightly in the back of the van. “She’s out.” He smiled. We drove the rest of the way in silence, it wasn’t very far to Grace’s building and he pulled up carefully at the kerb, switching off the engine.

“So you gonna crash with her?”he asked. I didn’t have work until lunchtime, so I thought it probably made sense, and nodded. “Cool.” I was about to get out of the van when he said, “Hey, uh, Sara?”

I glanced at him. “I was wondering, um…. if you wanted to do something this weekend.”

I stared. “You mean, like….?“ _Was this for real?_

He cut me off. “Uh, I guess, like a _date,_ yeah.” He grinned a little bashfully. I wondered what he would think if he knew I had been kissing Stone (and whatever else) just a little earlier, I just felt like a shitty person. He looked so genuine, he was such a nice guy, and he was also fucking gorgeous. I should have been pumped that he was asking me out but I just felt torn.

“Oh.” I saw a flicker of disappointment cross his face and I hated it.

“Or like, not a date, if that’s…whatever, y’know, I could just make you dinner or something.”

My heart flipped, very slightly. He was too cute. 

“That sounds nice.” And it really did.

“How about Saturday?”

“Perfect.” I went to get out again when he cut me off-

“Oh, hey, I need your number.”

“Oh. Right.”

He fumbled in the messy glove compartment and produced a napkin and a marker pen, which made me smile as I wrote my number down and he stuffed it in his jeans pocket. I quickly got out and went round to the other side, shook Grace awake and helped her out. 

Jeff rolled down his window and leaned out, saying, “Hey, you need some help to get her up there?” She was not in a great way.

“Oh, uh-“ 

Before I could reply he had already decided and got out, and to my surprise he scooped Grace up in his strong arms, saying, “it’s cool, she weighs like nothing” and carried her up the stoop, I watched as she burrowed into his neck and had to laugh at the scene. Luckily her building had an elevator and we rode up to the third floor where he set her down gently, and she smiled at him sleepily, saying, “I love you Jeff”, and both Jeff and I had to laugh.

“Come on, Casanova,” I said, taking Grace to her door and getting her keys out of her purse (which by some miracle she hadn’t mislaid in the course of the evening.) 

Jeff pressed the down button on the elevator, saying, “You guys have a good night” and I smiled, our eyes meeting. I mouthed “thanks” and he nodded, then went into the elevator and disappeared. 

I unlocked Grace’s door and set about getting her into bed, putting her carefully on her side and getting a glass of water to set on her side of the bed. Then I got in next to her and lay on my side, feeling incredibly mixed up about everything, and unable to stop thinking about Jeff, Stone and the whole complicated situation.


	9. Chapter 9

Jeff called me just a couple of days after the show night, and I sat on the floor in my room enjoying the slight twang of his accent. He was funny, but also warm and easy to talk to, there was none of the constant edge that you got with Stone where you felt you had to bring your banter ‘A’ game all the time. Jeff was comfortable with himself, and it was nice. I was already excited about our date, albeit not sure exactly what I wanted to happen. 

It was a nice distraction for the rest of the week, rather than just moping about Stone and feeling like an idiot that I had let that happen between us at the Soundgarden show; _well, I was drunk._

I avoided the area around the Raison d’Etre, where Stone and Jeff worked, for the rest of the week, even taking my lunch in the stuffy cupboard at work that passed for a break room, enduring the smell of Lucille’s toxic tunafish sandwiches and the maddening buzz of the radio playing the same shitty pop music on loop. Predictably, Stone didn’t call me anyway, and I wondered what he thought about what happened. I felt kind of mortified that I had confessed I was still into him. 

I spent Saturday having a long breakfast with the girls at Annie’s. Grace was still trying to live down her drunkenness at the show, claiming she didn’t remember anything, but the others seemed kind of jealous to hear that Jeff had carried her home. She was still gone on Charles, though, and spread out some black and white photos he had given her at the studio. 

There were a couple of incredible live photos of bands we knew, all overexposed and somehow capturing the electric, frantic motion of the performances and the almost religiosity of the crowds. I lingered over a photo he had taken of Mother Love Bone: Andy in enormous Elton John glasses, forcing you to look at him, Jeff pouting in the background - which made me smile - and Stone, his face all angles, his eyes so arresting. 

Then Grace showed us the photo he had taken of me, her and Meg, looking at each other and laughing like we didn’t want to be anywhere else. I smiled, it was an image I wouldn’t have believed possible six months ago. I asked if I could keep the photo, she said yes and I slipped it in my purse pocket. We discussed our plans for later and I decided to just be honest.

“Actually, Jeff, um, asked me out.”

Everyone put their forks down and stared at me.

“Do you have some kind of love genie or something?” Meg demanded. “Or do you just have a huge fucking thing for Mother Love Bone?”

We giggled and I said, “None of the above, he just - well, he took me and this reprobate home after the show, and he just asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him.”

My eyes met Alicia’s, I couldn’t tell what she thought at all. She hadn’t mentioned Jeff since the other week, so I hoped she was OK with it. 

“You know what, I think this is a good thing,” she said. “Make Stoney jealous, it never fails.”

“Uh, that’s not what I’m trying to do. I kind of just want to move on from that whole thing.”

Alicia shrugged and sipped her coffee, her blue eyes inscrutable. “I’m just saying.”

“I can’t believe Andy’s in rehab,” Grace said, picking at her eggs. “He seemed so great when we saw him the other day.”

“Oh, it’s just like summer camp,” Alicia said dismissively. “He’ll come out more fabulous than ever.”

“ _Summer camp?_ ”

“I spent like three months in rehab when I was sixteen,” Alicia said bluntly, her eyes meeting mine. “Alcohol. Coke. My parents were never home and they didn’t card you at the Monastery, God, they pretty much _paid_ you to go there if you were underage. Ugh.” 

We all didn’t say anything. She played it off with a bitter laugh. “Me and Stone and a couple of our friends used to go there and just get really fucked up and dance all night and then like pass out in the square until the coffee shops opened. I don’t know why my parents didn’t, like, _care_ more.”

“Well, you turned out great,” Meg said with a heavy dose of irony, and Alicia flicked some toast at her.

“Well anyway, it’s sad about Andy. I was pumped to see them play again soon too,” Grace said. We all nodded, sombre for a minute. I tried not to think about how it must be affecting Stone, and Jeff.

Changing the subject, I asked how everyone liked the Soundgarden show last week. Alicia had actually stage dived at some point, Meg could only rave about how amazing Chris was and how her favorite moment of their shows was always when he ripped off his shirt, she’d been crushing on him for years apparently. 

I wondered how Soundgarden would fare in Europe, it seemed insane that one of the Seattle bands was playing so far away. This city felt small; sometimes it seemed like nothing existed outside of it, except the mountain and great roads stretching away somewhere more exciting.

After breakfast I went home to get ready for the date, and passed some time going through my stuff and finally throwing away all the sentimental Logan stuff I’d never had the stomach to throw away before. That seemed crazy to me because now, it was like nothing. I was moving on, in a sense.

Jeff had asked me to meet him at an address I didn’t recognise in Pike/Pine. It seemed kind of rundown as I walked up and I was a little confused, until I saw him standing on the street, looking gorgeous in a leather jacket, tight white t-shirt and baggy shorts (despite the cold) with boots, his shoulder-length wavy hair mussed up and sexy. We smiled at the sight of each other. I noticed that was carrying a big backpack. 

“You got a body in there or something?” I asked, as he kissed me on the cheek, making me blush a little - he smelled amazing and his stubble tickled my cheek. He shook his head, laughing. 

“I’m just gonna need you to trust me here.” He took me in. “You look great.”

I self-consciously smoothed down my skirt. “Uh, thank you.”

He led me around the corner, and I was slightly doubtful about where this was going until I was confronted with the sight of a red-brick wall covered in colourful graffiti, in the centre were the words MOTHER LOVE BONE sprayed in bold black lettering on a white rectangular relief. I half-gasped, half-laughed. 

“What the heck?! That’s… that’s _awesome_!”

Jeff grinned. “I wasn’t sure if you already saw this one, you mentioned you’d been checking out the graffiti in town.”

“You did this?”

“Yeah, this is my handiwork.”

“I love it. So bold.”

“Well-“ he paused, rummaging in the big bag, and pulled out a few spray paint cans. “I thought you might wanna try it for yourself.”

I stared at the paint cans, then at him. “For real?! I have no idea how to-“

“Well, that’s what I’m here for. Pick a color, we can do your initial.”

“I can’t believe I’m getting my own graffiti tag. I am not in Cleveland anymore.” 

I picked the purple paint, because what the hell. Jeff got a big, thick black marker out of his bag and started to draw the letter S in a big bubble style on the wall, just to the left of the Mother Love Bone logo. His work was quick, deft and precise and I smiled to see the concentration in his blue eyes. He stepped back to check his work then-

“OK, so now we shake the can real good, and we fill it in. We gotta go close to the wall, and keep the can moving at all times, OK?” 

I nodded and we went up to where he had drawn the outline, and then he gave the can an almighty shake, doing a cute little dance at the same time which made me crack up, then he motioned for me to come over and put his hand over mine on the can. The touch of his hand was warm and I was very aware of how near he was. He totally planned it like this, I thought, amused- well he definitely got points for creativity. He stood behind me and then popped the cap on the can and we started to spray the purple paint to fill in the letter, his hand guiding mine, moving it all the time. The purple was fucking cool, so vibrant in contrast to the wall. When we were done spraying, he showed me how he did shading to give it a little more depth, then he got a black paint can from his bag and carefully sprayed the outline to make it stand out and look more 3D.

“Jeff! That was amazing!” I said, grinning like an idiot. “Wait, is this legal though?”

“Oh, the cops don’t come round here much.” He smiled cheekily. He reached back into the bag and got out a green paint can, before proceeding to create a J letter similar to my S, and filling it in. It was probably the cutest date idea ever and I was impressed by how talented he was.

“OK, so before we get arrested shall we split?” I looked again at the wall, wishing I had a camera or something. Jeff agreed and packed up his paints, and we wandered down town talking. I liked hearing about his tiny hometown in Montana, his brief time in college and how much like a fish out of water he had felt when he fetched up in Seattle to start a band with his friend Bruce. 

“God, I had like zero sense of humor then,” he remembered, shaking his head. “I didn’t get it, like, at all. I didn’t get Stone. I mean, I still don’t though.”

I smiled but wanted to steer the conversation away from Stone. 

“Seems like it all worked out for you.”

“I mean, it’s still pulling espresso and getting like three hours’ sleep a night, but it’s definitely better than driving across the country in Stone’s piece of shit car with all our gear to play for like five people and the door guy.”

“That was with your old band? Green River?”

“Yeah, we had the band with Mark and Steve and a couple other guys. Man, we had some times. We almost got beaten to death in Detroit, that was… interesting.” He smiled, shaking his head. “But what about you? You’re like, the woman of mystery, I don’t feel like anyone has you figured out yet.”

“Oh really?” I said, feeling a little self conscious.

“Yeah, it’s kinda like you just appeared one day, out of nowhere. Where’d you meet Alicia and everyone?”

I thought back to the day I’d met Alicia. 

_I had only just started working at the store, and I was still deep in depression from the breakup and life upheaval. She was browsing the rails of dresses and glanced over at me as I was tidying the shoe racks. She’d clocked my dress, a long 70s floral I’d taken from my mom’s closet before I left, and said without preamble,_

_“You have anything cool here or is it all just like, grandma central?”_

_I stared at her, noticing that she was blonde and ridiculously pretty, with rich-girl hair, lots of blue eyeshadow bringing out her eyes. I replied, quietly, “Um, you have to persevere, but we get the odd thing. Honestly though if you want vintage, I’d go to Pike Street.”_

_She was still looking at me._

_“You look awesome.”_

_I’d stared at her, not used to such directness. Aside from the dress I guess I looked OK, maybe even cool. I’d lost a lot of weight since leaving Logan and I’d since tried hard to fit in with what seemed to be the style in Seattle, loose messy hair and clumpy black boots, strings of contrasting bracelets up the arm and a smudge of kohl around the eyes. It was so different to the mall girl look I’d come from; I wanted to be anyone but that, now._

_“Um, thanks.”_

_I smiled and the smile she gave me back was dazzling, showing perfect teeth and making me want to talk to her more._

_I suddenly had a thought, “Hey, um -“ I glanced over to see what Lucille was doing, realised she was still in her office with the accountant. “We got something today, I don’t know if you’ll like it but… come.”_

_Intrigued, she followed me to the closet room just behind the register, and I reached for the item I’d put aside earlier. It was a pearl-coloured silk wrap dress, I handled it as delicately as bone china as I unfolded it and showed her. Her eyes widened as she took in the gleam of the fabric, then I furtively flashed her the label inside the skirt of the dress._

_“No fucking shit, this is an Alaïa?!”_

_We looked at each other over the dress and exchanged wicked smiles. I couldn’t believe that there were people rich and spoiled enough to shove a dress like this in a black bag and drop it at the shitty thrift store. It wasn’t my style, but I was only willing to give it to a good owner._

_“I’ll put it through for fifteen, is that good?” I said._

_She beamed at me like a kid at Christmas and we quickly went over to the register and I rang it up. It felt really good, like fuck you to those rich old people who ran this city, making fucked-up laws about where kids could and could not go to have fun. When she took the cheap carrier bag containing her treasure, her hand brushed mine and I realised how lonely I had been._

_“You rock, dude. Seriously thanks. I’m Alicia, by the way.”_

_“I’m Sara.”_

_She thought for a minute then - “You want to meet some new people?”_

“So yeah, we started hanging out and I met Grace, and Meg,” I finished. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t met those guys. Maybe gone back home.”

Jeff nodded. “Yeah, I felt that way for a while. My first band here was a disaster, a lot of times we’d end up, like, fighting with security while still playing, it was a mess. I miss Montana sometimes, feels like you can kinda breathe there. But my dad-“ he broke off, shrugging and I saw a lot of something in his face. “We don’t really see eye to eye I guess. He’s pretty religious, kind of I guess conservative. It’s not me. So I stayed.”

“I get that. My parents just wanted me to stay in Cleveland, do a typing course. Get married. I think I left with my ex just to piss them off, honestly.”

“He’s still in the city?”

I spread out my hands, “I have no idea”, realising this was true and that I was actually fine with it.

We had reached Pike Place Market and I took in the contrasting smells, fresh fish, the scent of juicy apples, coffee, the salty tang of the air coming off of the Sound.

“So confession, I’m a shitty cook,” Jeff said with a grin. “I make great coffee, but I am culinarily challenged.” I giggled and saw him break into a smile. “But if you like fish, I thought we could get sandwiches from the Market Grill, they’re the best in town, and then sit in the Waterfront? You been there?”

“That sounds perfect.”

We got enormous blackened salmon sandwiches from the takeout stall and we were about to head out to the park stretching along the water when there was an ominous crack of thunder. 

“Uh oh”, Jeff said as huge drops of rain began to slam against the roof of the covered market. “I guess I should’ve watched the weather man this morning.”

“Well, you live near right? Let’s go back to yours, we can have like an indoor picnic.” I suggested. I wanted to see more of his artwork and also, I was kind of paranoid we might bump into Stone, or Greg. Jeff glanced at me and I could see he was trying to figure out my true meaning, I let it remain ambiguous. It felt like a fuck you to Stone and his confusing ways, even if he had no idea.

“Sure,” he said, and we wrapped the sandwiches and put them in his bag, before holding our jackets over our heads and making a dash through the rainy streets, laughing like idiots. Luckily Jeff’s building was close by and when we got in the warm hallway I shook out my jacket and smiled at him, seeing that his hair was kind of wet and cute. He really was gorgeous. He caught me looking and returned my smile. 

We went up in the elevator to his apartment and he got some plates for the sandwiches, then put on a Police record and we sat on the floor eating as Sting’s halting, melodic voice played softly. 

“I never would’ve guessed you liked these guys,” I said, gesturing at the record player as I ate my admittedly delicious sandwich. 

Jeff grinned. “No?”

“I mean, don’t take this the wrong way but I kind of had you down for, you know, like an Aerosmith fan.”

“Oh! Burn!” 

“I mean, there’s nothing wrong with Aerosmith.”

“Dude, don’t judge a book by its cover,” Jeff teased. “You didn’t see me in my Green River days, I was totally punk rock.”

“I cannot imagine.”

“You should’ve seen Stone, he was full Johnny Thunders back then. I actually think he peaked at that point and it’s just been downhill from there.”

I smiled, thinking about how beautiful Stone was. _Wait, what? Stop that now._

“Um, so- you mentioned the other night about Andy, is he, like, ok?” I asked, changing the subject quickly. 

There was an awkward pause as Jeff picked at the remains of his sandwich. “Um, no. Not exactly. He’s, um, actually gone to rehab.”

I nodded. “That sucks.”

“It does.”

The Police continued to play in the background as we sat there, I felt dumb for killing the mood. 

“You want a beer?” Jeff asked, getting up. I nodded and he fetched us both one.

“Yeah, so like I said, I think we’re kinda on hiatus at least til Christmas, or whenever he gets out. It’s not long, it’s just.. kinda frustrating. I think our record is gonna be great, I just hope Andy can get clean and we can get out on the road.”

I didn’t know a lot about the situation but I thought it sounded like touring probably wasn’t going to be too easy with a recovering addict. I didn’t say that. 

“We had another intervention,” Jeff said, shaking his head and drinking his beer deeply. “At this point it just feels kinda hollow though. I don’t know if you saw Stone the other night at the show but he’s pretty messed up about the whole thing.”

I felt my heart sink a little, I didn’t want to think about that. I remembered how I’d stormed out on him the other night, fixated on how I felt and what I wanted. I drank fast and tried to forget. “Um, yeah I heard that.”

“Me and Greg, i don’t know, I guess we’re both a little sick of this type of drama. We just wanna play rock music. You know Greg right?”

I frowned slightly, “Um, not really,”

“Oh,” Jeff said, “When I said I was seeing you tonight he seemed to know who you were,”

I felt a flash of panic. Greg had seen me and Stone backstage that night and now he knew I was seeing Jeff. How did that make me look? I drank some more.

“You want another of those?”he said, eyebrow raised. I said sure. We cleaned up the stuff and then Jeff asked if I wanted to see how his canvas was coming along.

“That’s one I never heard before,” I teased, and was surprised to see him blush slightly. He was so cute. 

“I mean, you issued me an invitation to your bedroom like the second time I met you, so-“ His blue eyes were sparkling as I remembered my awkward innuendo at his party that time. 

“Down boy,” I said, winking at him which made him laugh. 

We went to his room and I sat on the edge of the messy bed, sipping my beer. I felt confident and honestly I didn’t really mind what happened next. Jeff’s room was a total mess but it was the mess of a totally creative mind, with art supplies spilling out of cases, a bass and an acoustic guitar, random items of costume jewelry on the dresser and posters and Polaroids tacked to almost every inch of wall. I admired a print of a painted devil, rendered in slashes of black and red, drips of paint giving the work a graffiti like feel. 

“Basquiat,” Jeff said, catching me looking. “Killer, huh? Guy’s a genius.”

I nodded, turning my attention to the large canvas he was holding, which was now almost finished. It was a distorted face, different shades blending into one another on a cloudy background. It was dark and sinister and cool. I exclaimed and he smiled shyly. 

“I painted it off some sketches I’d been working on,” He flipped through a sketchbook showing me how it had come to life. I looked at him, sitting next to me, and couldn’t help wondering what he would kiss like. He was aware of it because he glanced at me and at my lips. 

“I’m sorry I’m a total art nerd.”

“No, i like it,” I said genuinely, feeling kind of tipsy. 

He put his sketchbook and canvas carefully down and turned to face me. “You have the best eyes,”he said, unguarded. It was nothing like anything Stone would say and I blushed. 

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” I said kind of nervously, repeating what he’d said to me at his party that time. 

“Well, I hope so,” he said, leaning in slightly. In that split second, I wondered what I was going to do next. I liked him, he was really interesting, funny and thoughtful, the fact that he was undeniably hot was only a bonus. Stone flashed into my mind and I felt a spark of frustration, and then I leaned in too and kissed him on the lips. 

His stubble tickled my face, which was weirdly sexy, and his lips were so soft. I leaned into his hard body as he cupped my face in his hand, kissing me irresistibly. The two beers I had quickly downed made me feel hazy and relaxed, I would just go with this. He liked me and I liked him, and there was no drama, which was a nice change. He gently pushed me back on the bed and I didn’t stop him, enjoying his strong arms around me and the sureness of his moves. He bent to kiss my neck and I gasped, suddenly remembering with annoying clarity the way it had been with Stone, how I melted at his touch. I tried to stop thinking that, kissing Jeff harder, but it didn’t work. After a moment I pulled away.

“Um- I need, er, a minute, sorry. Bathroom.” I quickly got up, not looking at him and went across to his bathroom where I locked the door. In the mirror I looked conflicted, how could Jeff not see it? I felt so bad. I wondered what Stone was doing right now, for all I knew he was fucking someone else, he clearly didn’t have a very long attention span. I smoothed down my hair and wiped the smudges of kohl from my eyes, took a deep breath and went back in, Jeff was propped up on the bed.

“Hey, I don’t mean to, um… pressure you. Are you ok?”

I looked at him, climbed onto the bed next to him. He seemed concerned which just made me feel worse. “Yeah, I’m ok. Sorry, um, it’s just… personal stuff.”

“I’m a good listener. People have said that.” Jeff said with a smile.

“I’m ok.” 

He traced my cheek with his hand and again it just reminded me of Stone. But Jeff’s eyes were so blue and I wanted to be in his arms again, it had felt safe there, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I took his hand and then leaned back in to kiss him, and this time I didn’t stop. Pretty quickly we had both taken off our shirts and I marvelled at his sculpted body, couldn’t stop running my hands over it which seemed to have quite an effect on him. His strong hands moved down my body, nearing the edge of my underwear and I felt an involuntary pang of desire, I didn’t know if it was stuff to do with Stone or Jeff or both of them. His mouth moved from my neck downwards, and I grabbed his wavy hair as he kissed me all over, caught up in the sensations. At my stomach he stopped and looked at me, his blue eyes questioning, saying softly, “Do you want to keep going, or..?”

I caught my breath, yet again remembering the other night with Stone. I did want to, but I didn’t think it was right. 

“I, um -“ When he saw my hesitation he came back up to me and looked at me carefully, brushing a strand of hair out of my face,

“I’m sorry, is it ok if we take a rain check?” I sighed, shaking my head and feeling completely embarrassed. “I’m really sorry, I-“

“Hey, don’t, it’s cool, it’s cool,” he said, pulling me into him. I could feel his heart beating, his smooth warm skin, I breathed in his amazing smell. I closed my eyes. We lay like that for a while. 

I got home later that evening, a contented smile never leaving my face as I thought about how sweet Jeff was, he hadn’t minded at all about my change of heart and we ended up watching a movie and talking some more, which was just so nice and normal for once. I picked up a message from Alicia on the machine as I got a glass of water from the kitchen sink.

“Hey, so I hope you had fun with Jeff. I told you he was hot.” I smiled, and also wondered if she was at all mad about it. “I’m having a little get together at home next Friday so if I don’t see you before, you better be there. Call Meg about a ride. Dress cute. Love ya!”

I put my glass in the sink, thinking another party wasn’t exactly what I needed. But then, sitting at home was hardly fun, and actually Friday seemed so far away. I glanced at my neglected notebook on the table, maybe I should take the time to do some writing. But my mind kept going back to the situation with Andy, and Stone, and Jeff, and now my beer haze was wearing off, I just started to feel sad. 

I wandered into my room, closing the blinds and turning off the lights, getting into bed without bothering to get undressed. 


	10. Chapter 10

Alicia’s parents’ house was probably the nicest place I had ever been. It was right at the peak of Capitol Hill surrounded by lush greenery, and it sprawled across three levels with a huge backyard and several cars in the front drive. It was no wonder she was in no hurry to move out of home. 

Like always, they were somewhere else - she’d said something about a trip to New York to go see opera, which sounded like the most decadent thing ever. In my scuffed Converse, faded button-down tea-dress and denim jacket I felt like I had no right to be there. 

We went and put our coats in the hall cloakroom (i had no idea that was even a thing), warming up against the autumn chill, and went to the huge kitchen to get drinks. The marble countertop was covered in all manner of alcohol, and stacks of red cups. I took in the ornate decor, every kind of appliance you could imagine.

Meg caught me looking and nudged me with a grin saying, “Close your mouth.”

I giggled. Like me, she didn’t come from this, she had been at their private school on a scholarship, and we both secretly got a kick out of watching our most privileged friends in their natural habitat. We poured large measures of some expensive looking whiskey and observed the room, which was filling up with various of the more beautiful, slim people from the scene, none of them able to hide their breeding with their ripped clothes and messy hair. 

“So is her dad like a mob boss, or-?”

Meg snorted with laughter. “He’s a super big shot lawyer in the city. Actually, that’s how she knows Stone. Their dads are like golf buddies.”

I recognised Steve Turner, the kind of aloof guy from Mudhoney. He was drinking straight from a bottle of tequila.

“I cannot wait to see that end up all over him later,” Meg remarked dryly, and I cracked up. 

Just then, with a shock I recognised Greg from Mother Love Bone, talking to some other band guys. I hadn’t seen him since that night at the Moore but I knew he remembered, from what he apparently said to Jeff before our date. I swallowed, wondering if he would say anything to me about what happened. As if on cue he looked over, and when he saw me, recognition registered on his face. I quickly looked away, tried to start a random conversation with Meg, who was more interested in checking out some new hot guys who had arrived. Greg was still looking at me for a moment, and I excused myself and went quickly over to the sliding doors that led out to the garden. Some people were out there smoking and talking, and I slipped outside the doors, clutching my jacket around myself and looking at the distant, twinkling city lights. If Greg was here, then the other Love Bone guys maybe were too. I didn’t want to deal with Jeff and Stone at the same time, not after the other night with Jeff. It all seemed to have got so complicated.

“Sara, what are you doing out here? Come on, I want you to meet some more people,” Alicia said, sticking her head out of the door. I kind of reluctantly went inside. I got the impression that she was trying to give me some more options since the Stone thing didn’t work out, as she introduced me to a group of guys who were all good looking in a kind of chiselled way, and apparently weren’t in bands. I was distracted, though, and ended up going off to refill my cup. I was at the counter when Greg appeared next to me.

“Hey, Sara, right?”

I focused very hard on pouring my drink. “Yeah, um- Greg?”

“I remember you from the show at the Moore.”

I ignored the implication in his voice. “Uh, you want some of this?” I said, holding out the bottle of whiskey.

“Sure.” I poured a large amount until he said ‘when’. “You and Stone, huh?”he said after a minute, coming right out with it. There was an edge to his tone, which I didn’t like.

“Um-“

“So like, how does that work with Jeff as well?”

I stared at him, trying to keep my face neutral because I was vaguely aware of Alicia looking over at us. “I don’t, um-“

“Seems kinda heavy to me,” he said, sipping from his cup and wincing at the strength of it. “Kind of fucked up, actually. This fucking town, man.” 

At this, he laughed shortly, humourlessly and sloped off to another room, leaving me in no doubt of what he thought of me. 

I stared after him. It was none of his fucking business, but considering the situation with Andy, I could see how he would be worried that anything else could make the whole band implode, just when they were so close to making it. I wondered how many of those whiskeys he would need before he started talking about it to someone else. 

I rubbed my face with my hand, pushed my hair back and played with the lip of my cup, not looking at Alicia. I set about arranging the bottles on the counter in perfect straight lines, not caring how I appeared to all of these people I didn’t really know. Suddenly things in my old life seemed so much more simple, even the Logan debacle.

The rest of the party seemed to pass by like all the parties, someone picking up a guitar, someone getting too drunk, someone talking too much about philosophy or President Bush or why veganism is better for the planet. Guys thinking they’re hot shit because they play in a band, girls mooning after them. The smells of hard alcohol and pot. The hint of old rivalries in the air. 

I don’t know if it was that I started drinking more, but I was feeling a little jaded by the time Jeff and Stone arrived late, both of them looking stressed out. Their body language with each other was really weird and I tried not to watch from my position tucked on one of the giant sofas. Jeff immediately went to get a drink (neat vodka) and Stone said something to Bruce, who was talking to Alicia, clearly she had forgiven him. Bruce got up and went with Stone into another room and Jeff followed. I looked at Alicia and she looked at me, like - _what the hell?_ I tried not to think about it. I was only about 20% worried that it was something to do with me. 

My eyes fell on a skinny little guy with short brown hair and a boyish face, wearing a KISS tshirt, who was sitting on the edge of the heated political discussion going on next to me, trying to get a word in but getting ignored by Alicia’s loud-voiced school friends, one of whom couldn’t stop obnoxiously referring to the fact he was home for the weekend from Yale _._ I felt sorry for the little guy, who got up and looked around, his eyes falling on a guitar that had been discarded like it was a piece of trash in the corner. He went over and picked it up in his slim hands, sat down cross-legged like a little kid. 

I watched him, the little smile that illuminated his face as he admired the instrument; maybe it was a good quality one, I had no idea. He fiddled with the tuning knobs, listening closely and frowning slightly as he twisted them, tuning the guitar by ear, which didn’t seem to take very long. Then he slid his fingers down the frets, listening to the sound and beginning to noodle. I couldn’t hear very well from where I was, but I was captivated watching him. He really seemed to know what he was doing, fingers flying over the frets, utterly lost in the music with closed eyes and a dreamy expression, and some more people stopped to watch. I thought I saw him blush slightly at that, and smiled as it was just really cute. I hadn’t seen him around before so he couldn’t be in one of the “it” bands, anyway, but he was clearly a talented guitarist. 

Alicia came over and pulled me out of the moment. “Dude, there is serious drama.”

“What?”

“Come.” 

I got up and she drew me over to the quieter corner of the room where less people congregated. There was a chess table, a giant antique bookcase full of old books. It all felt so surreal, like I’d never really belong anywhere. 

“Andy’s family want him to quit the band. His brother went to go see Stone or something.”

“What does Stone think?” I asked, wanting to know in spite of everything. 

“They’re all like hashing it out in the rec room and it’s awkward, I don’t know if I should intervene, or-“

“No, don’t,” I said. I actually could hear raised voices through the wall and thought I recognised Jeff’s. 

“Couldn’t you like, make an excuse to go see Jeff and pull him out?”

“ _Me?_ Why would that make Jeff-“

“Oh c’mon.” Alicia looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

“Leesh, I can’t, it’s super awkward and maybe you just need to let them hash it out. Their singer’s in rehab, they’re in hock to their label for a lot of money, it’s pretty serious.”

“Who the fuck comes to a party to have a fucking _fight!?_ ”she said then, a little too loudly, and people looked round. I shushed her but she continued, spilling some of her drink on herself, “Can’t we just, like, have _fun_? What even happened to having fun? Everyone just wants a fucking record deal these days, it used to be cool. _Jesus!_ ”

“Come on, let’s go get some air.”

“No, why don’t _you_ go see Jeff since he thinks you’re so fucking wonderful.”

I stared at her, hoping it was just the drink talking. I knew she had liked him but I thought it had fizzled out. I guess it had been a little thoughtless of me. “Leesh-“

There was a whoop behind us as the guitar-playing guy finished up, someone yelling “Mike fucking McCready, right there, ladies and gentlemen!” - and then I saw Stone come in the room looking absolutely furious, grab his jacket and went to leave. Something in me just told me to follow him, Alicia stared after me as I did. 

In the hall I said, “Stone!” And just as I did, a very flustered Bruce came out of another room saying, “Dude, he doesn’t fucking mean it, don’t do this-” I stopped dead in the doorway, watched as Stone stared really hard at Bruce and said with complete contempt - “ _Fuck_ Jeff and this whole fucking trip. I’m out.” and flung open the door to leave. 

I stared at Bruce, who was visibly shaken, then went after Stone. The gravel on the drive was crunching under my Converse and he turned around. 

“What are you doing here?”

“Are you OK?” I asked. “I mean, this is all none of my business, but you don’t… seem OK.”

“What do you care?”

“ _Woah._ OK. Fine.” I turned to go, wondering why I did even care.

“Goddamn it. Sara.”

I turned. He looked really unhappy, I hadn’t seen him like that before. His green eyes were full of strain.

“Do you want to go somewhere?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Kind of a Trigger Warning for this chapter with themes of addiction, in case you’re sensitive to that. 
> 
> Also v light smut warning.. 

_“Do you want to go somewhere?”_

I stared at him, taken by surprise, and thought about it quick. The situation with Andy was clearly coming to a head. Also, it was the most words he’d spoken to me since that night, and I had to admit I was curious.

Stone was standing next to his car which was an ancient old red station wagon. “Is your car road-worthy?” I tried to crack a joke and earned at least a small smile from him, and a wry “In theory”. I went over and got in, and watched as he pulled away from Alicia’s house, his green eyes totally inscrutable, his brow slightly furrowed. 

“So where are we going?” I said tentatively. Actually, I was just really tired and wanted to go home, I had work in the morning and the incidents with first Greg then Alicia had kind of rattled me. 

“Um, some place near the water.” 

I nodded, not really caring. The car radio was on a rock station and Stone flicked it off, we sat in silence. I looked out of the window at the nice houses going past, getting less nice as we went down further into town. Then I looked at him, admiring his profile in spite of the kind of intense situation, he was still beautiful even when he was mad.

“You need to clean your car, Stone,” I said, trying a joke. It was true, there was all sorts of crap in there, from plectrums scattered on the floor, to masses of cassettes and empty coffee cups.

“Thanks, I’ll put it on the list.”

I smiled, and finally he did as well. I picked up one of the tapes on the floor by my seat and read the handwritten label, it said “SHOWDOWN TAKE 2, LOVE ANDY” in big scrawled letters. I traced over his messy writing on the label, thinking about Andy; the way he wore his smile like armour, the way he could make you feel like the only person in a packed room. Some people hid their pain really well. I wondered how many of us did the same. 

Stone turned off the busy highway to a small parking lot overlooking the dark Sound. We both got out, the late night breeze coming off the water making me shiver. There was a closed gate blocking off the promenade that ran along the waterfront, but Stone climbed over it and I did as well, careful in my dress and thinking this was not how I expected my night to turn out. He gave me a hand and I jumped down, looking around. Across the water, lights were glittering, and I could hear the crash of the waves against the rocks. 

“I used to come here all the time,” Stone said, as we walked. I glanced at him, finding him so different tonight. 

“It’s pretty cool. What’s that over the water?” I pointed.

“Bainbridge Island. Andy’s from there.” 

I wondered if we had come here because Stone wanted to be near to Andy in some way. I didn’t want to pry, but I wanted to understand what was going on, I wanted to try and help if I could. We stood looking at the water for a second, Stone kicked a pebble into the rocks below. I looked at him, his perfect face totally still, the reflected lights in his eyes which seemed so full of… something.

“What happened?” I asked, wanting - suddenly - to touch his hand, but deciding not to.

He shook his head slightly, like I knew he did when he didn’t want to answer or deal with something. “I thought things were about to get easier.”

I looked at the waves smashing on the rocks, rolling back and forth violently in the wind. “I don’t think anything really gets easier. You just learn to deal better.”

He nodded. There was a pause, then - 

“Andy’s a pretty serious addict and he’s in rehab right now. I mean, Jesus, probably everyone knows that by now. It’s not the first time.”

“What, um-?“

“Heroin.” 

My mouth fell open, I hadn’t been expecting it. I guess I had been thinking maybe alcohol, pills, maybe even meth - but this was fucking scary. I wouldn’t have ever guessed, the couple of times I had been around him, and that was almost as scary. 

“God, Stone.”

He laughed bitterly, kicked another pebble. “So first it was like: we’ll get a deal, then he’ll wanna quit. Like, he’ll _want_ to. Then it was like: we’ll go to LA and make a record, and he’ll _definitely_ wanna quit. This is what he’s always wanted. He doesn’t need to do that shit anymore. And then we come back and the record’s in the can and he’s still not straight. And so like: he gets engaged. We play some huge shows, do a tour. And he’s _great_ , maybe this is really _it_ this time, then -“ He broke off, I saw his shoulders slump a little as he stared out at Andy’s island. I moved closer to him and put my hand on his arm. “It just never lasts,” he said quietly, bitterly. He looked at me, and he just looked so lost too. I let him talk. “He says this is who he is, it’s such _bullshit_. He lies to us all the time, I know it, and I’ve never fucking had it out with him, I just, I can’t. Maybe somebody else can, but…” 

“I get it. And his.. his family?”

Stone nodded, thinking. “They want him to quit. They think even if he gets out clean, he’ll just relapse straight away if we go on tour. Or, even if we don’t.”

“What do you think?”

“I’m fucking selfish and I want this band to work.” 

I couldn’t quite tell if he was being ironic, like usual. He continued-

“And I’m so mad at him, because I kind of know they’re _right_. He _should_ quit!” His words were so loaded with anger and frustration and resentment, he shook his head almost in disbelief saying- “But the guys, well, mainly Jeff won’t hear it. I don’t think he wants to believe it, how bad things have gotten. He made a lot of sacrifices to get to this point, - and he’s fucking _right,_ I have no idea what that’s like, I know I’m lucky, or whatever, he tells me all the _fucking_ time. He wants us to tour whenever Andy gets out. He’s acting like Andy’s gone on goddamn spring break or something.” 

I thought about the end of the argument I had witnessed. Evidently so was Stone, as he said: “It’s like, how we are. Me and Jeff. We can’t hear each other out. Sometimes I think _that’s_ the real problem, not Andy. Another five fucking years with Jeff, let alone, like twenty or thirty.”

I smiled. “Thirty years is a pretty long time for a band anyway.”

He shrugged. “Not if it works.”

I noticed some giant rocks just beyond the promenade. “Hey, you want to go sit? C’mon.” 

We wandered over and climbed onto the biggest one, the surface smooth and worn away by time. I sat cross legged, my dress keeping my legs warm against the chill, watching Stone’s hands fidgeting as he sat thinking. 

“I have like no backup,” he said thoughtfully. “I dropped out of school in my first semester. I thought my dad was gonna kill me, Jesus.”

I thought about what Meg had said about Stone’s father being a really successful lawyer. I could only imagine how something like that would have gone down.

“Thing is: I really want this to work out. But I don’t want him to die.”

I stared at him, his words hanging between us. They were huge, but this whole thing was huge. I had no idea what to say, I didn’t think anything would really help. It was horrible that they were on the verge of their dreams being realised and yet they were in conflict unable to enjoy it, couldn’t play shows, couldn’t even count on their singer being alive in a year’s time. I reached for his hand, and gripped it. It was all I could do. He gripped back.

“I think it’s all gonna work out for you,” I said quietly. I really believed it as well. I don’t know how I was so sure, I just was. Whatever happened with the awful Andy situation, I thought: _someone’s looking out for this one._

“Maybe you could put that on a fortune cookie. Or, can you tell my parents?” he said, abruptly back to sarcasm.

I let go of his hand, feeling suddenly embarrassed, and looked into the distance, glad it was dark so my blush didn’t show. Apparently his guard was never quite down. 

“I heard about you and Jeff,” he said then, out of the blue. I kept a neutral expression-

“Yeah?”

“I was kind of… surprised.”

“There’s not much to hear, we just hung out.”

“At his place?”

“Yeah.” I wasn’t going to give him anything else, because fuck that. I knew he was hurting right now but he wasn’t going to make me feel bad as well, I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Stone nodded. “Just, I remember what you said to me at the Moore that night.”

 _You. I just want you._ I heard my own words in my head and a mix of feelings coursed through me.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, not wanting to remind him that I was here trying to support him, and I had better things to do than be made to feel bad. But I would, if he carried on. He must have sensed that, because he left it there. We sat in silence for a moment.

“Tell me about your writing,” he said then, and I was surprised he remembered.

“Uh, like - what do you wanna know?”

“What do you write? Like, lyrics, plays, stories-“

“Any of those. It’s kinda lame, but I really want to write a book someday.”

“That is anything but lame.”

“You like to read?”

“I fucking love it. I’ll read anything. Novels, though. You gotta write a novel.”

I smiled, genuinely intrigued and happy. “That’s the plan, if the muse ever strikes.”

“You should write about us. This goddamn place. Apparently we’re all gonna be famous.”

“Apparently?”

“Someone’s hyping the situation I think, probably someone over at Sub Pop pulling some strings.” He laughed, for the first time in the evening, and it was a relief. “You telling me you haven’t heard about the famous Seattle Sound?”

I laughed incredulously. It was probably an in-joke I didn’t get yet. It was definitely pretty funny. “No, I can’t say I have.”

“Well. You will.”

We smiled at each other. A strong breeze came whipping off the water and my hair fluttered in my face, I brushed it out and said, “Not to be a buzz-kill, but it’s kind of late. Do you, um- do you want to come back with me? You don’t need to be alone right now.”

I could see him weighing it up in his mind and I found myself a little nervous, then he said: “Sure.”

We jumped off the rock and walked slowly back to Stone’s car, both in silence thinking. I navigated him to my building which wasn’t too far, and he left his car on the street and we went in. I remembered how we had been so drunk and impassioned last time we were here together and didn’t know how I felt about it that the mood was so sombre tonight, but it was nice to be with him. I felt like I was getting a different side of him, and I was beginning to understand something of why he had acted the way he did - although not entirely, he wasn’t getting a free pass. 

I knew Lil was home in bed so we were quiet coming in and we just had some water and went to my room. I didn’t think anything was going to happen, and I was OK with it- I was tired and kind of overwhelmed with everything, plus we both knew I had seen Jeff lately.

I didn’t get changed or anything, just switched off the light and lay down on top of the bed covers watching Stone as he undid his watch and put it on my bedside table, took a band off his wrist and used it to tie back his hair, then tentatively lay down next to me. It was very strange to be alone with him again, no other people around, no loud music playing. We lay side by side on the bed- not touching. He seemed so tired now, but he wanted to keep talking, and I could give that to him. Since Logan, I knew what it was to feel that way; so exhausted with loving a person who let you down.

“Thanks for this.”

“It’s fine.”

“You know the stuff I was saying before, I just want to say - he’s really not, like, some bad guy you know? He really isn’t. He’s not that stereotypical junkie or whatever.”

“I know.” 

I thought about the way Stone looked at Andy, it was the only time I ever saw him unguarded, like he really cared about him. And anyone who met Andy could just see what a one-of-a-kind person he was. Maybe there was no such thing as a stereotypical junkie. It didn’t do a lot of good to use those labels - because for every cliche, there was a beautiful blonde boy who just didn’t really know how to deal with life.

“I think I’m gonna talk to Jeff tomorrow. Maybe we were both a little… stubborn.”

“Do _you_ think Andy’ll be OK to tour the record?”

“They’re, um- gonna try to find us like a tour manager who’s worked with addicts before.” He laughed kind of humorlessly. “Apparently that’s a… thing.”

“Well, that would be good, right? And maybe, getting out of Seattle and stuff, it might be good for him.” I was clutching at straws because the subtext was pretty obvious, Stone didn’t think that Andy could handle it and yet the record company were going to push on ahead anyway.

“I guess. He was OK when we were making the album. But like, if you know any addicts, I mean - them staying clean for three months doesn’t really mean shit.” He sounded really defeated. 

I thought about my reply for a while, because it seemed important. Eventually: “It isn’t your fault. I mean - I don’t know a lot about this kinda thing, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they say. You can’t control it, you can’t change it.” I saw him raise his eyebrows like that wasn’t much comfort right now, or like he had heard it before. I said again: “It’s _not_ you guys’ fault. And I know it fucking sucks, but…” I sighed, thinking about Logan, thinking about my parents, that I should listen to my own advice someday. “Sometimes it doesn’t matter how many chances you give someone, or like, how much you support them, or give them advice, or _love_ them, they just - they don’t _want_ to get better. Or like, maybe they _can’t_. And it’s sad, for them. It’s _OK_ be sad about it.”

There was a long moment of silence.

“Thanks. That actually, um - it means a lot,” he said, his usual sarcasm totally absent. I didn’t want to look at him because I was worried I would see tears behind his green eyes and I just couldn’t deal with that, I didn’t know what it would do to me.

“Sure.” I said, neutrally. I glanced at the glowing bedside clock face. “God, I need to sleep, I gotta get up for work tomorrow.” I looked at him. “You OK?”

“Yeah.”

“OK.”

I turned away, closing my eyes. We were both quiet, I hoped that I could just get to sleep or that he would, and maybe I’d sneak out and go sleep on the sofa in the living room. Some time passed. In the darkness I was very aware of his breathing, of how near he was. Lying there awake, there was a lot I wanted to say but I didn’t, I just stared at the wall, telling myself not to feel anything. I had had enough of the drama, and he didn’t need it either, did he? I couldn’t pretend I couldn’t see the guy was struggling.

“Are you awake?” he said softly.

_Oh._

I sighed quietly, “No.”

I felt him shift next to me, turn to me and I winced, I was sick of this push and pull.

“I know I fucked this up.”

 _This?_ Us? It took me by surprise and I turned to look at him. Like always, his eyes just captured me and I felt the familiar stir of longing. But I didn’t do or say anything. He went to touch my face and I drew back slightly, shaking my head. _No, not going down that way_. He obviously thought that I would just give in again.

“It’s OK, I just - I don’t need this right now,” I said. 

“Because of Jeff?”

“This is not about Jeff, it’s about… me.”

We looked at each other. I really wanted to just kiss him and let whatever was going to happen, happen - but I couldn’t deal with him going weird on me again. Yes, he was gorgeous, yes, we were lying on a bed, but I could control myself, as much as I remembered the taste of his lips, the touch of his hand and the feel of him, it wasn’t enough to sacrifice my self esteem any further. But _oh my god_ , now he was leaning in to me. I said quietly, “Stone… don’t” and he stopped just before he kissed me, I felt my whole body say yes and my head and heart say no, I closed my eyes trying to fight the feelings and he pulled back. 

I stared at him, hoping my eyes could convey what I was feeling, that I didn’t want to get hurt. “I can’t do this, it’s not that I don’t want… I just, I can’t,” I said in a rush. “I just don’t want to… _like_ you, anymore.” 

I saw a kind of sad smile play at his lips and I smiled too, bittersweet. It was true though. 

“OK.” 

“…OK.”

“That’s-“

“Yeah.”

Then there was one moment where I think we both understood what was between us, then we both moved at the same time and it all unfolded. 

I pulled him on top of me, trembling slightly at the feel of his body right against mine as we kissed, it wasn’t rough and needy like that time backstage at the Moore, it was slow, gentle - I didn’t know what that meant. His tongue traced over my bottom lip and I felt the shock of desire that I had been building since that night we spent together. 

As if reading my mind, he stopped and whispered, “We don’t have to… That’s not what I…” 

I understood what he was trying to say and I knew it was probably better to just leave it at this, but at the same time, I just wanted to feel him inside of me again, I didn’t care about Jeff or tomorrow or the promises I made to myself, I needed him now, so much. I didn’t know if that was OK - he was upset about Andy, I was upset about us- but it was real.

He was looking at me, trying to understand what I wanted, and there was something softer than usual in his luminous eyes, I reached for the button on his jeans and undid them, not taking my eyes off his, I saw and heard him respond when I touched him and he undid the buttons on the front of my dress and I moved up a little so he could slide it off my shoulders, felt his soft kisses on my neck, my chest and then my lips again. 

It was different than before, he was tender, un-rushed - and I felt more than I wanted to, my heart full as I saw his vulnerability. Without saying anything we got undressed, kissing the whole time, and when he entered me he moved slowly, gently touching me at the same time so that I came again and again before he did, the sensations building in us both every time. It was intense, and even after it was over we stayed there for a while, his kisses saying everything I knew he wouldn’t say. 

I felt a stab of nervousness as the moment subsided: _what now_? If he went cold on me again, I had myself to blame too. My only defence was to care less, I realised. If I didn’t care, he couldn’t hurt me. So when he kissed my forehead and took my hand, I didn’t melt, because I was expecting it all to be forgotten in the morning. 

My quietness must have unnerved him a little because he turned my chin up to him, green eyes searching, and said quietly, “Are you OK?“

“I meant what I said before.” I said, gathering my courage. “I don’t want you to just treat me like I don’t matter tomorrow. Let’s not-“ I broke off, knowing what I was about to say might hurt, and that it was complete bullshit in the light of what just happened between us and how it had been. 

His brow creased questioningly, and I said, “We don’t have to pretend this is something it’s not.”

A long pause. 

“I, um.” He stopped, traced his fingers over my wrist before taking my hand, I steeled myself as he said - “I think it _is_ something.”

“Why?” I said, bluntly.

“Well - what do you mean, why?” His green eyes studied me quizzically.

I shook my head, “Why now? What about before?”

“I…” He let go of my hands and shook his head, started fidgeting with his fingers, which I recognised to be the signature Stone move of feeling insecure. “I was a fucking jerk before.”

“I like you, Stone. Like, I want to be friends with you, we have the same circle and you’re funny- well, sometimes, and you’re nicer than you let on, and you’re really talented and I really want your band to go all the way and totally use the fact that I slept with Stone Gossard as bragging rights for the rest of my life,” I said, trying to make him smile though he seemed to be finding it difficult. “But - you messed up. I get if you don’t want a relationship, I get if you’re going through a tough time - but you made me feel like an idiot in front of a lot of our friends lately and I just don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be sitting around this week waiting for you to call me. I’m over it.” As I was saying it I knew it wasn’t really true, but I had to make it true. “I like Jeff-“ I saw a shadow cross his face, his eyes harden - “and I know I’ve given you mixed messages tonight, so, I’m sorry.” 

I sat up, grabbed my dress and started to button it up, and got out of bed, he watched me, looking confused. 

“I’m gonna go sleep in the living room, OK? You can stay here-“

He sat up, and reached for his clothes. “It’s OK, I’ll go.” 

I didn’t look at him as he got dressed, just crossed my arms and stood there, thinking- this is the best way. But he came to me and took my hand, saying, “Look, I hear what you are saying, OK? Just…“ I looked at him, and he gestured toward the bed. “ _That_ wasn’t nothing, I swear to God.”

“I think you only want me now because I don’t want you.” 

When I said that, his eyes widened slightly as if it was hard to hear.

“That’s not it!” he exclaimed.”Also, I think you’re full of shit because we _literally_ just-“ I looked quickly at the door thinking about Lil who was asleep in the next room, and he said more quietly, “Look, if you’re not into it anymore then that’s fine, I guess, but can you at least find someone to fuck other than my best friend?”

My mouth dropped open. “Jesus, Stone. It’s all about you right?”

All the tenderness from earlier was gone, we were both pissed now. 

“Oh I’m sorry - actually I can see you’re real into Jeff, considering what just happened.”

“You know what, if you’re saying you’re gonna tell Jeff, then fine, but it might make your next tour a little fucking awkward.” 

I was shocked at myself for saying it, and I think he was too. 

“Yeah, between that and the resident junkie it’ll certainly be everything I ever wanted. I mean, _fuck!_ ” 

I could only stare at him, taken aback at the emotion in his voice. 

He turned away from me, then quickly turned back and said, “I’m not gonna tell Jeff. You’re right, this is… not happening.” 

He left, and I stood there for a long time, the emotions of the night coursing through me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N : Smut warning

The next morning I was rudely awakened by Lil banging on my bedroom door. I sleepily went to it and saw her standing there fully dressed for class, a little awkwardly, her arms crossed.

“Uh- hi,” I said. The lack of sleep and the fact I’d cried myself there in the first place, made me blink in the light.

“Hi. Look, I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but I got woken up at like 3am last night. It’s just, it’s not cool, OK?”

I wondered how much she had heard. 

“God, I’m really sorry Lil, i-“

“Just don’t do it again.” She cut me off, paused as if to say something else, then changed her mind and left, shutting the front door curtly behind her. 

I was alone, still wearing my dress from last night, the awfulness of it coming back to me as I stood and looked at my messy bed. I couldn’t really believe it, it felt like a lot had happened in one night. The thing I couldn’t get out of my head was the pain in Stone’s eyes at the waterside, and in his voice before he left. I couldn’t help but think I had acted like a jerk. The guy’s best friend was in the grip of an addiction, and I had initiated sex then told him I liked his other best friend and made a stupid fucking facetious remark about the already tenuous future of his band. 

My heart sank as I numbly lay back down on the bed. Yes, I had been _wrong_. I’d known at the time that he wasn’t using me or whatever, he was right- last night was _not_ nothing. It felt like we’d both been open and vulnerable last night, we’d connected, and my response was to freak out and say hurtful shit to protect myself? He wouldn’t ever want to talk to me again. 

The thought made me feel terrible. It was him I hadn’t been able to get out of my head even when I was kissing Jeff; and at Alicia’s party, I didn’t care about anything except whether he was OK. Why had I fucked it up? He wasn’t blameless, but I could control my chaos, and in this case I had failed to do that.

I reluctantly looked at the clock and saw that it was eight thirty. I had an hour to shower, dress, cycle to work and open the store. Fuck. I contemplated calling in sick, but equally the thought of staying here in the ruins of last night just made me feel worse. 

The day seemed to never end. I couldn’t stop thinking about all kinds of things: Stone, of course, and the things he had shared about Andy last night. Jeff - and the fact that he knew nothing about any of this. Alicia. She had been drunk last night but she was also obviously mad at me, and it made me feel panicked. I wondered if I should try and go to her place again if she didn’t answer the phone later. 

As I wandered down the street after work, taking a roundabout way to avoid places I might run into the guys, I passed a video store and decided to go in for a browse. Something escapist was needed right now, for sure. 

The store was low-lit and kind of sketchy, the tapes shoved haphazardly back on their shelves. It made the Dollar Bin seem like some kind of luxury retailer by comparison. I noticed a film of dust over many of the tapes, saw “Top Gun” randomly put back where “Taxi Driver” should be. The guy hunched over at the counter, watching the little TV in the top corner of the room, didn’t exactly seem to care. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, I still needed to see “Cocktail” as I had a huge, borderline embarrassing crush on Tom Cruise, but as usual it had already been taken out. I looked again at the cashier and was surprised to recognise him - it was the guy from the party, who had put on such an amazing show with the guitar. His name was Mc-something, I vaguely remembered hearing. 

“Uh, excuse me?” I thought, what the hell. I stepped over to the counter and saw him look round nervously, his brown eyes shifting around the room. 

“Can I help you?”

“Oh, no, I just - you were at Alicia’s party last night. I just wanted to say, I thought you were insane on guitar. Do you play in a band?”

His face flushed red. “Uh— no— I, um… no, not- I… Not anymore.”

I smiled, a little confused. “Oh - well, you totally should.”

He looked at the floor. “Thanks.”

He seemed so shy. I remembered how into the music he had been last night, wished I could give him some more confidence or something. Well, it wasn’t really my business or whatever, and anyway he did seem strangely out of place, his hair cropped short unlike the other band guys around here, wearing another plain old button-down shirt, looking inherently uncomfortable in his skin. It was a shame to see such talent go to waste watching mute TV in a shitty old video store though.

“Um, do you know when you’ll get Cocktail back in?” I said, trying to break the painful pause. He looked as surprised as if I had asked him to paint his face blue and run down the street naked, which was pretty odd considering he was a clerk in a video store. 

“Uh- I- wait.” He pressed a few buttons on the unwieldy computer on the desk, and when it failed to respond he shuffled through some papers under the counter nervously. “Um, it says here, it’s due back on Wednesday.”

“Can I reserve it?”

“Sure. What’s your, um, your name?”

I smiled, he was so shy and cute. “Sara Weller.” I gave him my number and he wrote it down, blushing again. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the closest he got to a girl’s number in a while. 

“Thanks,” I said, feeling a little tragic that I was so excited to have a video date with Tom Cruise. He put the paper away, looked at me quickly with a little smile that totally warmed his face, and I decided I had to try and find out more about him. I knew what it was like to be so shy and awkward. 

“I’m Mike,” he said then, quickly, as if he was embarrassed to even say it. “We call you when the tape comes back in.”

“OK, cool. Thank you. And I really did love your playing.”

When I got home, the apartment felt even more empty than usual. I had nowhere to go, and there was no one I wanted to see except the people who didn’t want to see me. After failing to reach Alicia I poured myself a finger of my emergency vodka and lay on the sofa for a while but it just felt too depressing, so eventually I dragged myself back to the phone and called Grace - no answer either. Maybe she was finally on that date with Charles. I tried Meg, who picked up after a couple of rings.

“Hey, honey. You ran out on us last night.” 

“Yeah, um… I guess I did.’

There was an awkward pause, which made me grip the receiver tighter. Eventually-

“You left with Stone?”

“Yeah. i, um- I just went to see if he was OK, they’d had some big fight, and he asked me to go with him.”

A dry chuckle at the other end of the line. “That figures, I guess an argument is pretty much like foreplay for Stone.”

I didn’t laugh, or reply.

“So you decided to give him another shot?”she asked. Not sounding very impressed, to be honest.

“No, it wasn’t like that,”i lied. “We just went for a drive and talked. About Andy and stuff. It’s a really tough situation.”

Meg snorted with incredulous laughter. “Yeah, tough for Stone because he’s used to getting his own way all the time. Also do you know how much _money_ his parents have spent on him playing rockstar? Like, serious money, it’s kind of disgusting. I mean, whatever, it’s the same with Alicia only then it’s, like, shoes or handbags…”

“I mean, that’s kind of unfair. Stone is really upset about the whole thing. I know he can be kind of a jerk but I saw it. I think he cares a lot about Andy as well as the band.”

“Sure. I’m not trying to be a bitch, I just, I’ve known the guy too long. If he’s finally getting some fucking empathy right now, then great, it’s been a long time coming honestly.”

Another awkward pause. I decided there was no way I was telling her about the rest of the night.

“So, um- did you have fun?”

“Meh, it was OK. Too many random preps for my liking. Mark Lanegan showed up at some point and it was like, uh-oh, time to go. that guy is like the Willy Wonka of drugs, I swear. Oh, Jeff was looking for you, don’t worry, I gave him some story.” She paused, sighed. “That’s also kind of a weird situation, right? I thought you kinda liked him. I mean, I can tell he likes you. And also, Alicia does not know how to feel about that! She was drinking way too much and talking about it. I think she might be kind of pissed you went after him.”

“i didn’t _go after him_.”

“OK, that you let him go after you.”

“I mean, like, what was I supposed to do about that? She told me he was ‘too nice’. I didn’t think it was that big a deal.” I kind of knew what I was saying was bullshit, but I stuck to it. 

“Dude, it’s whatever. You’ve got game, that I’ll give you.” We both laughed kind of humorlessly. “Anyway, it was a wash-out for me. I’m waiting til Alice get back from tour.”

“Right.”

“Hey, um - I have to go, my roommate’s made dinner.”

“OK. Have fun.”

“You too.”

When I hung up I didn’t feel any better, and went to bed early for the first time in years.

The next day, I knew what I needed to do. I called Jeff in the morning before work, not really expecting him to pick up since he said he usually worked mornings at the cafe, so when he did I tried my best to sound normal.

“Hi - Jeff?”

“Sara!” He sounded genuinely pleased, which made me feel somewhat worse. “You’re like, impossible to keep track of. You left before I could even say hi the other night.”

“Um, yeah- I’m sorry.”

“Well, I hope you’re feeling a little better,” he said, clearly Meg had told him I was sick or something. 

“I am actually. So, um, can I make it up to you? Are you free later?” I asked, my heart starting to pound, I didn’t really know what was getting myself into.

“Actually I am, I was meant to be doing some band shit with Stone but - well. Maybe you heard what happened, we’re kinda in a bad place right now.”

“Ummm, yeah. I mean, no I hadn’t. I’m sorry to hear that. I could come over after I get off work?” I said, surprising myself with how forward I was being. I could hear a smile in his voice when he replied-

“Awesome. I promise not to make you do any weird art shit.”

And so I made sure I looked cute - a button-down vintage blouse, a nice skirt, a smile I didn’t really feel - and pulled my shift at the store, then walked over to Jeff’s. He buzzed me up and when I saw him he looked so happy, it made me smile too. He kissed me on the cheek, gentlemanly, and invited me in. 

The apartment was in the same messy state and it smelled like incense, but it was strangely comforting. He got me a drink and we sat on the sofa, almost touching. We made small talk about our days, he was really funny about all the customers and how rude they were, and I matched him with the story about the hippy-looking woman who tried to drop off a donation bag of old underwear at the store today with the words, “It just needs washing.” It felt good to laugh about something. I also asked him if he knew the video store guy Mike, and he frowned, saying it sounded familiar but he wasn’t really in the scene as far as he knew. I decided to ask Alicia instead, whenever she was talking to me again.

When I asked Jeff about how the party went, he looked a little dejected.

“Yeah, me and Stone kinda had it out. Man, it escalated really quick, all of a sudden it’s just all coming out, deep shit from like, years back. All the things we hate about each other, and plus- we have a record coming out in a couple months, we have a tour to plan, so how does that work? Even if Andy was doing OK, which he’s not…. we have problems. Me and Stone.” He sighed and drained his beer. “He’s gone awol, anyhow. They took him off the rota at work, he’s gone out of town I think. Kinda what he does, just like, crawl into himself.” I saw the frustration on Jeff’s face and felt bad for him. He exhaled. “I’m sick of the drama, you know?”

I nodded, feeling like I did know. “I’m really sorry about Andy.”

“So am i. It’s a fucking hideous situation for everyone. You just gotta have hope, right? I _hope_ that when he gets out, this time it’s different. I have to believe that, or I feel like I’ll go crazy or something.”

I remembered Stone saying something similar, and my heart ached for these guys. It was so painful, having to just keep hoping like that all the time. Watching someone you cared about disintegrate, again and again. They were so young to have to cope with something like that.

“I understand. I’m really sorry.” I finished my drink, feeling like I needed to turn this around somehow. “Did you do any more work on your painting?”

He raised his eyebrows at the change of subject, but went with it, seeming a little relieved. “Actually yeah, a little. You wanna check it out?”

We went to his room and I sat on his bed as he showed me how he had created a stippling effect on top of the layers of paint, giving it a more Basquiat feel, like the print on his wall. I smiled, as ever enjoying the image of Jeff absorbed in his art, all the cool rock guy trappings put aside. He grinned self deprecatingly and sat down next to me, saying, “I know, it’s a turn on, right?”

When he said it, his blue eyes dancing, I leaned in and kissed him impulsively on the lips, my hand coming up to his face, my palm on his stubbled cheek.

He pulled back slightly. “Hey,” he said, sounding intrigued. 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

I decided to just go for it. I had to do this, or it felt like I would never move on or forgive myself for messing up with Stone. I sloppily climbed on top of him and saw his eyes widen slightly as he realised what was happening. The alcohol had made me more confident and I thanked god for that as no way would I have been able to pull this off otherwise. I fumbled with the buttons on my top and pulled it off, looking at him in what I hoped was in an at least mildly sexy way. He smiled, maybe a little amused, but there was something in his eyes that told me he was into it. 

“OK, um, I wasn’t… expecting that, but-“ 

I kissed him then, slipping my tongue into his mouth. He responded, his kiss making me feel weak as I felt him slip the straps of my bra down my shoulders and run his hands over my chest, his fingers gently brushing over my nipples and making me gasp. I undid my bra and took it off, let his mouth and hands wander as I gave into it. He was so sensual, the way he touched and kissed me all over. I wasn’t really thinking about Stone at all. He was so aware of me, listening to my reactions, asking me if I was OK before he went any further. I knew he was thinking about last time, when I kind of freaked out.

“It’s honestly fine if you don’t want to-“ he was saying.

I cut him off, kissing him with all I had, and felt him groan softly, he clearly wanted this too as much as he was trying to be restrained. 

“No, I do, I want to,” I murmured, pressing up against him. I needed to forget, I needed this. I didn’t want the picture in my head of Stone’s sad green eyes staring out over the water anymore. 

I let him undress me, couldn’t help marvelling at his amazing body which was even more gorgeous out of clothes, the feel of it against mine was a turn-on in itself. Then he was kissing the inside of my leg, his fingers gently trailing over me, I could tell it was turning him on. But for some reason I flinched away a little - and when he realised, he came back up to me, kissing me and saying softly, “Tell me what you want.”

All I could think of was being backstage at the Soundgarden show and Stone asking me that. _No way, get out of my head._

I took his hand and put it back where it was, guided him to touch me. I heard his sharp intake of breath as he slid two fingers inside me, hitting just the right spot as I writhed against him. I refused to compare him to Stone in my mind, Jeff was amazing. I was barely even thinking about Stone anymore. 

_“_ Fuck me,”I whispered, “Please, just… I want you…“ 

He didn’t need to hear any more, he pushed my legs apart and slowly thrust into me, letting me adjust to his considerable size. It was amazing from the start, I wasn’t interested in him being gentle, as he soon realised, and he knew what he was doing. When it got too intense and I was in danger of being reminded of Stone, I got on my hands and knees and he took me from behind, which completely pushed me over the edge, as well as him. When it was over I clutched the headboard, breathing hard, my hair messy, not wanting to look at him. His hands moved over my body, gently pulling my waist to bring me into him. I could feel his heart pounding against me, the way he brushed my hair to one side and kissed my neck. Like this, I could pretend he was someone else. 

As soon as the thought came to my head I felt tears spring up behind my eyes. _Who the fuck thinks something like that? What is wrong with me?_

I concentrated very hard on trying to make the tears go away before he noticed, but one fucking tear slipped out, rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, hoping he didn’t notice. I had a very clear image in my mind of lying there with Stone after that last time together, feeling like a wall had been taken down. Something there, between us. I wished I could just go back.

“That was fucking amazing,” Jeff was saying, nuzzling my neck. With his body still pressed up against me I felt suddenly claustrophobic. I gently disentangled myself, looking for something, anything of my clothing on the bed. I glanced at him and saw he looked a little confused. 

“Hey, come here,” he said, a slight questioning in his voice, kneeling on the bed and reaching for me. I shook my hair out, found my underwear and quickly put it on, aware he was still watching me. He gave up, lay down on his side. Finally I faced him, pulling the sheet around my chest. I knew I had kind of ruined the moment, but I felt very wrong about it all of a sudden, even regretted what had happened. 

He went to put his arms around me, and after a moment of resistance, I let him. Our bodies were sticky with sweat, I was still shaking a little from a couple of intense orgasms and if I buried my face in his warm chest, I didn’t have to look at him or think about all this.

“You’re really cool,” he said as he held me, and I had to smile despite how I felt, because it was just a cute and kind of incongruous thing to say in this situation, but so very Jeff.

“Thanks.” I knew it wasn’t the greatest response, but it was all I had. There was a slightly awkward silence. I felt like even more of a shitty person than I already did. I took his hand. We stayed like that a while. Eventually I sat up and looked at him, his gorgeous face questioning. He was waiting for me to say something. 

“Sorry I’m weird,” I said, biting my lip. Immediately he shook his head, but I said, “No, I- I am, and I’m sorry. I think you’re cool too. And, um, I guess it was obvious I… had fun.” 

I blushed and he smiled that illuminating smile.

“I‘ll take that,” he said, taking my other hand. “But uh, you’re sure you’re, like, OK?”

“Yeah.” I smiled at him, it was genuine. He was so lovely. “Honestly.” 

I kissed him, not sure what else to do. I was so confused. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, just held me tightly, stroked my hair. Eventually he put his boxers back on, went to get some water for us from the kitchen. I wanted to just go home and feel bad on my own, but I couldn’t just leave like that. I was beginning to be aware of the damage I could do without really meaning to. 

So I nestled into Jeff, mind racing, and eventually sleep came.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little back-story from Sara's best friend Alicia POV :)
> 
> Little Trigger Warning because there are some references to drugs and a self harm reference.

## Alicia / 1984

I lied to Sara: I did fuck him. Seattle’s a small town, for us anyway. It was a while ago, though. 

The first time was right before my parents sent me to rehab, I was sitting at home on a Friday night and I just wanted to destroy something. They hadn’t spoken to me in days. They’d found my coke in the heart-shaped trinket box I kept under my bed, I guess maybe the maid tipped them off. Anyway their reaction was just to stop talking. I mean, I always ate alone anyway, watched TV alone - but that never-ending silence was like a weight on me I couldn’t get out from under. I was grounded, but they went out and left me anyway. And I had this stupid phone shaped like Garfield the cat sitting on my dresser. I picked it up to smash it against the wall - but then, I don’t know - I called Stone instead. 

His house was full of his parents’ friends, another old hippy gathering raising money for an orca sanctuary or some shit, and he was sitting up in the attic as usual. Lonely, like me. I told him to come over. 

We smoked pot in my room with all the huge windows open, the airplane noise a constant drone. I remember it was so _cold_. He was nervous. I wouldn’t kiss him because it made me feel invaded or something, and after I got up straight away, shut myself in the bathroom. 

I was a little disappointed by the whole thing honestly. The next time, I fixed that, so really, I guess Sara should _thank_ me. 

I don’t feel like I had much of a growing-up. Not a pity party, it’s just context. Before, I used to go get Icees at the mall with Gracie and just watch people for hours. We were trying to figure out how to be something different. Sure, we were just dumb preps with puffy stickers on our lockers, who’d buy lip balm because it was flavored like Dr Pepper. But we were also restless. Sad, even, though we didn't show sad, I’m so good at that, Mary Sunshine. School just felt like a prison, it smelled of money, pot, anxiety. 

I’d started throwing up my food because I didn’t like my body anymore, and my mom had caught me, but she didn’t even _say_ anything - she just put a bottle of room spray in my bathroom. After that, I kept a shard of glass in my dresser drawer, and when things got to be a lot, I’d take it out and squeeze it in my palm as hard as I could. My mom said it must be because I watched too much MTV, and took the set out of my room. I wish that was a fucking joke.

But I guess the day it really started was the day me and Grace stole a Van Halen cassette from a gas station, got my mom’s car keys and sat in her Jeep in the drive with the engine running, listening to that tape so loud I thought the windows might shatter. I loved that pounding noise in my ears, chasing away the silence, the loneliness. I wanted to drive away and never stop. We would lie on my shaggy pink carpet staring at pictures of Motley Crue, ringing each others’ eyes in kohl and teasing our hair for hours. I wanted to be like the girl in the “Looks That Kill” video, she looked like nothing could ever touch her. We studied how to change. We started buying shitty second hand clothes and ripping them up, picking up fanzines at the record store and trying to get it straight who the bands in town were, what was cool. We wanted noise, sex, an escape I guess. 

Then, we started giving what we called the skeezy art boys at school more of the time of the day. We’d known them since we were all in diapers; our moms had the same therapists, our dads were always in cahoots over something. I remember how cute Stevey Turner was when he was little, he was only friends with girls and had this little Texan drawl, now he had stupid mop hair and glasses but we’d seen him carrying a guitar case in the school halls and suddenly it was like, _O-kayyyy._ Guitars were new, we wanted boys with guitars. 

Then Stoney Gossard, the adored little prince of his family. I think someday he just decided he was going to be a rockstar and he came into school with his hair dyed black and all messed up like he was in the fucking New York Dolls, and he somehow pulled it off - it was like you noticed him for the first time. I’d seen him hanging out at school with this guy Alex - who used to do fucking _ballet_ with Grace, he was another one trying to shed his skin now - and they were talking about this place downtown called the Monastery. I’d heard of it because my mom was on a Concerned Parents Committee trying to get it shut down. So that was just… _it._

I went up to him in the cafeteria.

“I don’t like your shirt, Stoney.” 

It was a Velvet Underground shirt.

He just raised an eyebrow, he didn’t care if you were rude to him. “Why not?”

“It’s music for pussies.”

He laughed, I felt like it was _at_ me. “Oh, really?”

“What’d you, steal it from your dad?” 

Stone’s dad was this really intimidating lawyer who must’ve had a serious hippy phase way back when, considering the names he gave his poor kids. 

“Yeah, he said it was cool so long as it’s clean when I give it back.”

I couldn’t help grinning. He was quick. “We haven’t hung out in forever. Do you wanna hang out?”

His eyes seemed more green against the harsh black of his hair. He was _pretty._ I could see he would look good next to me in photos, which seemed important.

“Is this like, part of some kinda initiation thing?”he said drily, his eyes quickly scanning the room behind me. 

“No, for real.” I widened my eyes, innocent, I’d been practising that look in the mirror for a very long time. I was wearing a cut-off shirt that showed the belly button piercing I’d been hiding from my parents since I got it weeks ago, super-tight jeans. I looked good. I knew, for all his cool guy shit, he’d do pretty much anything to nail me. 

“Well, we’re going out on Friday. You can come, I guess.”

Friday, Grace and I spent hours after school in a cloud of Aqua Net, glueing on each others’ lashes, drinking tropical Crystal Light mixed with rum from the unlocked wet bar that was full of half-empty, dusty bottles of every type of alcohol. We were playing all kinds of records, shitty pop to hair metal. I remember Grace spinning around my room to DeVo, her dark curls everywhere. She kissed me and left this perfect lilac shimmer lip print on my cheek, and I didn’t rub it off. 

We were drunk and giggly when we got the bus down the hill into town. It was raining a fine mist and I saw Grace’s eye makeup was smudging but I didn’t tell her because I wanted to be the cuter one - I remember that clearly. We found the boys drinking beer on a corner, couldn’t believe this could be the right place. There was like, an old clapboard church with boarded up windows. An actual _church_. A line of people outside, all ages. People dressed like no one we’d ever seen, between the mall and school and tennis club. Piercings, mohawks, goth shit. It was terrifying, I couldn’t believe we were gonna go in there. 

It was Stone, Alex, a couple of other guys I didn’t know. I remember looking them right in the eyes to show I was this cool, not-afraid girl,

Right before we got in the door of that weird-ass church, someone bit a little tablet in half, gave them to me and Gracey, a yin-yang symbol split in two. We put them on our tongues and swallowed before we could change our minds. _._ I don’t know, it felt like my life started that night. My real life.

The place was a cavern. There were still Bible inscriptions on the walls, you could see them illuminated by the red-light dance floor and the red string lights that hung all around, made it feel like actual Hell. The music was deafening. They played everything from the 70s right up to whatever was hot now. There was this old guy in a monk’s habit in the DJ booth, I still think that wasn’t just part of my trip - the DJ monk. Like all the nights, I just remember snatches of it. Spinning recklessly with Grace on that red dance floor. Lying on one of the weird couches around the room, one of the boys -who? It didn’t matter - on top of me, kissing me with too much tongue. A vague memory of walking in on two guys fucking in a bathroom stall. But most of all, that _feeling_ , like I could do anything, like was in love, like I could _forgive_ everyone. It was so fucking great. I wanted more of that. 

Then somehow we were outside and the sun was coming up. My body felt so light, like there was only air underneath me. We all walked what seemed like miles, taking the backstreets down to the waterfront. The sun seemed so much brighter than normal. We lay in the park watching the boats going out. I fell asleep with Grace’s head in my lap and when we woke up, the boys were gone. We didn’t feel shitty like when we passed out drunk- the hangover came much later. Or maybe I just felt shitty when I got home because no one had fucking noticed I’d been gone. My vitamin was on the table next to the box of Wheat Bran and a note: _Democrat meeting tonite, home late. Get pizza. Mom._

It became our thing, the Monastery. Sometimes other people would come along. First time I met Andy there, he had this whiteface makeup streaking off his face. At first, I thought he was like, an ugly girl. And I have this vivid memory of holding his painted face in my hands saying, “You don’t _need_ this to be pretty!!!!” And him _laughing_ his ass off. That laugh... I always liked it when he was there because he could dance so great. He didn’t care who was watching him, actually it made him come alive being watched. When he spun me I felt magical too. 

_Fuck_ , though, the whole place was sketchy as hell while it lasted. You’d catch these old guys with devil eyes lurking at the edges of the room, watching the girls and the boys. One night Stoney and I were dancing together, we were both coked up and just in this weird zone, and this old guy comes up and said he’d pay us a hundred dollars to watch us. Like, _watch._ Ugh. The worst thing is I kind of remember I looked at him like, _should we?_ Then, Stone pulled me out of there. I was surprised how strong he was, also because he was totally fucked up. But he like, _pulled_ me all the way out of that place, right onto the street, threw a ton of money at a taxi driver and sent me home. We never talked about that again.

Mom and friends got their way, because that place got shut down in a few months. So it was like, what’s next? We couldn’t just go back to our bedrooms and frig ourselves off to Nikki Sixx, or whatever. But it was hard to find a new place because suddenly the cops were busting all the clubs, it was like, police-state crap.

The boys started holing up in basements with instruments because they’d all read this new music zine Subterranean Pop that reminded us all the cool stuff was happening somewhere else. Grace and I started hanging out more with Meg, who was a little trashy with a mouth on her, but she said she knew how to get backstage at shows. 

We’d hitch to Tacoma, Olympia, we’d drink beer on stinking tour buses, kiss each other while the almost-famous hair metal guys watched in awe. We didn’t fuck them, I just said I was holding out for Tommy Lee and I think that was actually kind of true, I was so lame then. LA was the dream, but it felt like a world away. 

It was all the same people at our parties, things were getting stale. Seattle was so over. So when Stone said they’d got an actual band and some songs, I wanted a piece of it, I didn’t want it happening without me. I threw a party when my parents went out of town for the weekend and told everyone Green River was playing, like it was this huge deal or they were some kind of real band. And I called The Rocket, asked for this guy Bruce who’d put out that zine and had now been given charge of the music column.

“This is Bruce Pavitt.”

“Hi, I'm calling about a show on Friday night.”

I could hear the sound of phones ringing in the background, people droning. The sounds of real life. Bruce sounded tired, a little jaded. “OK. Whose show?”

“Um, Green River.”

“I don’t think I've heard of them.” He was chewing on something, I could tell in his voice. _Pay some fucking attention, dude._

“Really? You need to check them out. It’s like, the dirtiest sound in Seattle right now.” 

He laughed and I didn't know if that was good or bad. “Right.”

“You’re gonna want to be the first one to write about these guys. Let me give you the address.”

He listened. “Hey- that’s Capitol Hill, huh?”

“It’s a private party, umm- it’s kind of how we do in Seattle.” I was winging it, did he know? “Ask for me, it’s Alicia.”

The day of the party I hid all the photos of me smiling cutely around the house, I started getting ready as soon as I woke up. All black, tiny skirt, my hair up to here.

Bruce arrived right on time. He seemed kind of intimidated, standing in the entrance hall, watching us all clutching this little notebook. Seeing that, and all these cool people I didn’t know arrive that night was like - _yes._ Like I was… real, or something? I don’t know exactly.

“Hey, you have any x?”

This guy appeared out of nowhere. I didn’t like him. Who even was he? He looked like a dollar-store Iggy Pop, he was wearing a too-tight vest showing his skinny bruised arms. He was holding a bottle of my dad’s best whiskey. I didn’t think twice about taking it straight out of his hands, taking a long look up and down him and saying simply, “Fuck you” before turning around and running right into Stone, who looked good, not to brag, but I did a good job. I’d told him to come over earlier and had sat him at my dresser and drawn a smudged line of kohl around his eyes, messed with his hair. He let me do whatever I wanted. I just liked how _pretty_ he was. I liked pretty things, weird things. Having them around, owning them, it made me feel better.

“Uh, so looks like you guys have been introduced,” Stone said, looking between me and Iggy Pop.

“Actually, no we haven’t,” the guy said, and his wide smile surprised me because _what the hell? Didn’t I just blow him off? Take a fucking hint dude._ “Stoney, I kinda like your straight-edge friend.”

I was furious now, even more when Stone laughed out loud. “Alicia, this is Mark. It’s her house,” he added.

I nodded, and decided to take a long slug of the whiskey I was still holding, trying not to wince at the fire of it. Straight-edge friend, _bite me._

“Aren’t you kind of old to be here?” I said, a little jacked up on the whiskey and the fact it was my fucking party, my house. 

“Leesh-“ Stone started, but Mark cut in.

“That’s right, kid. Give an old man a drink.”

I saw Stone shoot me a look and I smiled back, had another gulp of the whiskey and said, my throat burning, my tone like ice, 

“I think there might be some old California Coolers in the hall closet. Watch out for spiders though.” 

I turned and walked away. I could feel their eyes on me, so I went slow. I wandered through to the living room, people were everywhere. They all looked so _right,_ so cool _._ I was pretty proud that they were all here at _my_ place, with the Warhol on the wall over the Steinway baby grand, the kitchen the size of some people’s whole apartment. Everyone was gonna know me now. It wasn’t LA, but I’d made something _happen_ at least. Alex and Steve had set up their shit in the basement. Stone wasn’t playing with them that night because he was being a pussy. He said he still needed to _practise_. It reminded me of when we were kids and he spent a summer hitting tennis balls over the net, over and over for hours by himself to “improve his serve”.

Back upstairs Bruce from the Rocket approached me and wanted to know more about Green River. I felt like maybe he thought I was a baby groupie, spoiled rich girl. Well maybe I _was,_ and so what? Who was this guy really, he seemed ancient to me then, like a dad trying hard to be cool. I only knew that his column in the Rocket was apparently a big deal. 

“- and so. it’s Alicia Darcy. A-L-I-C-I-A, D-A-R-C-Y.”

He scribbled it carelessly. I could hear the sound of guitars tuning in the basement under us, the rattle and kick of the drums. My lonely house felt like it had a pulse all of a sudden. 

Everyone went down to the basement. It was so hot, airless, my hair was sticking to my face with sweat, I realised that guy Mark was in the fucking _band_ , he was the singer. Well, at least he was gonna remember me. He had a scratchy, punk kind of voice which I didn’t love, but I couldn’t stop watching him for some reason, he was so like jacked up and kind of dangerous. Mostly they sounded like shit, but the distorted guitar was _killer._ It made your teeth itch. And Alex and Stevey looked _cool_. I could see Stone watching them biting his lip, I could tell he was wishing he was up there, he wanted to be looked at as much as I did. Their new guy, some out of town guy called Jeff from like Wyoming or somewhere, he was the hot one. He’d arrived late and I hadn’t got to speak to him, I had to fix that. 

When they stumbled back into the crowd, the one amp still buzzing, I saw Bruce grab Mark, say something enthusiastic. I knew he loved it. Did I know it was the start of something? I don’t remember, I was too busy trying to see where Jeff was. Everyone was yelling and there was beer all over the floor. I was gonna be in a lot of trouble for this. 

I went over to Stone and Jeff, I swayed slightly and Stone caught me. I ignored him completely, I was too excited, and I said to Jeff, eyes wide, “So are you like, an actual cowboy?!” 

He stared at me. Total blank. “Uhh, no - I work at a coffee place. With Steve.”

I flicked my eyes at Stone, he seemed to be saying, _don’t you fucking laugh._ Sarcasm was a currency round here.

 _“_ Oh _._ Well, this is my party. I’m Alicia.” 

He actually blushed. _Shy. “_ Um, well, it’s real nice to meet you. Thanks for having us, we really appreciate it. Stone, I gotta -”He awkwardly patted Stone on the arm, made for the stairs.

I stared after him and Stoney cracked up. 

“Leesh, you scared him!”

I glared at him. “Shouldn’t you be, like, practising or something?” 

“So, did you like it?”

“No, hated it.” 

I was turning to go, felt his hand on my arm, shook him off and walked away. I couldn’t breathe in that basement. It was fine, suddenly Stevey was there anyway, like an excited puppy telling Stone how pumped he was. 

Upstairs all I could hear about was Green River, hype all around, someone was blasting punk rock music from a boombox in the living room now as loud as it would go. Bruce was scribbling in his little notebook while this tall guy with a beautiful face like Jesus, long black curly hair, talked at him. I went to the bathroom and found Regan and Andy doing lines. Did I want some? _Yes._

It was probably a week later when the parents found my stash and sat me down for the Big Talk, saying they’d found this place in the country that could really help me to focus and get back to _me_. The brochure looked expensive, the place had a name like a shitty old Western movie. They said there were horses, as if I was still seven years old. I guess they had watched a PSA, or maybe my dad was worried he wouldn’t make judge if he had a fuck-up for a daughter. I left town in my old clothes, I felt like I was dying. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going at all. 

By the time I got back from the Ranch three months had passed, and Green River seemed to be everywhere. 

I caught them at the Metropolis, couldn’t believe it was Stone up there. He was pretty good now. They looked _cool._ Mark was insane. I felt like I had missed something, _fuck._ Grace kept asking me if I needed water, if I was OK, she took the whole rehab thing way too seriously. I had a curfew and I had to leave before they finished playing. I waited a few days, then called Stone.

“So you’re still alive?” he answered.

“I’m officially free of my disease.”

“Ri-ight.” 

I hated him for saying it like that. Even though I knew I wasn’t gonna stay clean, I hated him for it.

“Can I come over? I really miss your dad,” I said.

He laughed. I’d missed laughing so fucking much. “You know people say I look just like him.”

“Yeah, but he’s like, the macho Stone.”

“I can be macho, come over.”

His house was almost as nice as mine, but they had things like wind-chimes in the kitchen, exotic fruits in a bowl. Being there reminded me of being a nervous little kid, trying to keep up with his sisters, feeling ashamed when my mom called me out for nail-biting in front of all the adults. Stone had a perfectly good room but he spent all his time in the attic which he had plastered with blurry pictures cut out of fanzines, these big handwritten charts I guessed had something to do with music. His guitar was carefully propped up against the wall. He was listening to Jefferson Airplane on vinyl. His hair had grown a little, he looked better actually. I wondered if he was gonna say anything about the last time we saw each other. He didn’t. We talked about his band mostly. They’d made some demos, they were working more with a couple of guys who were starting a label, _what the fuck_? They were talking about doing a tour outside of Seattle. I never heard Stone talk like this before, like he cared about it or it was like, a serious _thing_. I had this horrible feeling that I was missing out.

I noticed a book lying on the floor. It was one of those really cheesy “Choose Your Own Adventure” things. I picked it up and looked at the picture on the front, of a yeti standing on top of a snow covered mountain. 

“Why are you such a loser?”

He grinned, tried to take it off me and I held it back, read the inside cover. “ _The Abominable Snowman_ takes YOU on a mountaineering adventure in search of the fabled yeti -“ I cracked up. “Stoney, what the fuck? Just… _what the fuck_?!?”

He snatched it off me and I tried to snatch it back. He caught my wrist, I felt the pressure of his long fingers on my pulse. “Quit it,” I said, suddenly prickling.

“I’ll lend it to you if you want.”

“I do think it would look great in the trash in my bedroom.”

“These are actually pretty profound. All the elements of great adventure stories”

“OK, Professor.”

He ignored me, held up his hand and counted off his long fingers. “1. A spirited protagonist. That’s me. Or, you. Anyone. He doesn’t need to have a lot of drama, he’s just totally energised for the adventure, he's ready, he _wants_ to succeed. Then 2. Suspense. The sense of like, some mystery, or danger - you have no idea what’s around the corner, how it’s all gonna go down, he’s just gotta roll with it. Or, not.”

“OK, sure.” I rolled my eyes, at least he was still the same old nerd as ever.

“3. Exploration. He’s going to new places, seeing crazy shit. It’s exciting.”

“OK, I really don’t care about your little yeti book, Stone.”

He grinned, held up one last finger. “Then there’s 4. The dilemma. It could be anything. It could be inside of him, like something he struggles with. It could be something outside, something he runs into and he just doesn’t know how to act. And whatever he chooses to do, that’s like- it could be, like, life or _death_. But he has to overcome it, or he loses everything. It’s pretty intense. You like, _have_ to keep going and find out what happens.”

“Sure. You’re a dork. Do not let anyone else see that book.”

He tossed it in the corner of the room. I shook my head, wondering why I had even come here. The truth is, Sunday afternoons in Seattle are fucking dull. 

When he went to kiss me I let him this time, just let it all happen. It kind of felt like I wasn’t even there.

“Slow the fuck down,” I remember telling him, and he listened. 

You’re welcome, Sara.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little smut warning!
> 
> \+ we are now back in ‘89 and Sara POV

When I woke up it took me a moment to realise where I was. There was warm light coming through the cheap blinds, the room was messy. A guy’s room. I blinked, shifting in the unfamiliar bed, and it all came back to me.

Next to me, Jeff turned toward me, pulled me sleepily into his arms. He was so warm, he smelled so good, masculine and sexy. I both did and didn’t want to pull away. Memories of last night kept coming back, the great sex that had left me feeling so bad, his sweetness and ready affection. In spite of my conflicted feelings, we’d woken up in the night and done it again - it had been quieter, more intimate, I’d even managed to come just through sex which had literally never happened to me before. I’d been so confused by my feelings, and sleep apparently hadn’t helped with that. I closed my eyes, trying to go back to sleep and relax, but I couldnt.

I gently prised myself away, looked at his face. He really was very good looking. And unbelievably good-hearted. Anyone would feel so lucky to be where I was right now, and I just wanted to leave.

“Morning,” he murmured, his eyes fluttering open. I felt a pang when he looked at me. Wishing I could just enjoy this, stop pining, forget.

“Hey.”

“How’d you sleep?”

His calloused fingertip traced my cheekbone, the gentle touch made me soften. If only I could just stop thinking about Stone; his eyes, the way he was never still, the sound of his laugh. I was fucking kidding myself, and I had totally led Jeff on. My chest ached.

“Um, not great.” I slightly moved away, he looked at me and I could tell he was trying to figure this out. He tentatively moved in to kiss me and I let him - _fuck_ \- the lingering touch of his lips still stirring me, reminding me of what had happened between us. His tongue gently traced over my lip and I couldnt resist, I responded and felt the betraying pang in my core, wanting him again. I ran my hands over his muscled chest and stomach, I could feel he was turned on. “Sara,” he murmured softly, and it was pretty irresistible. I found myself pulling him closer, the slight ache still from last night when he pushed inside me. I wound my fingers in his wavy hair, pulling slightly, heard him breathe harder. But I couldnt even pretend to myself anymore that I wasn’t thinking of Stone. I closed my eyes and just wanted it to be him, even as Jeff was bringing me to a shattering climax, kissing me and telling me I was beautiful. I knew it was probably over between me and Stone and it fucking killed me, I wanted him so much. And I was pretty much _using_ Jeff, and in the moments after I came, I felt completely awful. I thought I would have to keep up the enthusiasm until he finished but it wasn’t long before he stopped, laying down next to me and holding me, kissing me on the forehead. I looked at him questioningly and he just said, “It’s OK.” I think he knew I wasn’t quite there.

“I need to go,” I said after a few moments, even as his gentle touch on my hair and running down my back soothed me. I needed to go, I _wanted_ to go - but I also wanted to stay. I didn’t want to hurt this boy at all.

“OK.” He didn’t move, I didn’t want to look at him.

“I, um, I forgot I had to meet Meg for this appointment thing.”

My obvious lie hung in the air between us for a moment.

“It’s cool.”

The guilt was so fucking terrible. He wasn’t stupid. He knew it wasn’t all OK. I raised myself up to sit, looked around for my clothes and felt his hand tentatively on my waist, his touch so light.

“Hey, um.. Sara?”

I turned. He looked at me.

“I like you.”

His blue eyes cut right through me. I couldn’t say it back. Or even say anything.

After an awkward pause he raked his fingers through his messy hair, said - “I get it if you don’t want anything more, OK? I just, I wanted to say it. I had a really good time with you. I, um… I think you’re beautiful and smart and I don’t know, it’s like- I guess I haven’t met many people here that I felt I could just be myself with. I just like… being with you.” He broke off, exhaled, and my heart went out to him. “I don’t care if you need some time, or… or if you never want to see me again, even, I mean, it’d suck, but I can tell maybe this is a lot for you, and I - I get it, I just- I wanted to tell you what I was feeling.”

I stared at him, thinking how perceptive he was. I didn’t know what to say.

“You’re a really good person,” I said at last. _Pathetic_. I hated seeing that look on his face, just - crushed, I guess.

“OK,” he said, after a moment. I turned quickly, got my clothes, not wanting to look at him. Part of me was just saying, _stay. Let this boy like you, take care of you. Why can’t you just fucking let someone in?_ I finished buttoning my top, ran my hands through my hair, which made very little difference. When I glanced in the mirror on his dresser I saw the smudges round my eyes.

“I’ll call you,” I said, and for some reason I vividly remembered Stone saying that to me the night after we slept together, leaving me naked in my bed feeling mixed up and sad. Wasn’t that just what I was doing to Jeff?

He nodded, staring at his painted canvas, still propped up where he left it the previous night, before everything happened. I leaned over, kissed him on his stubbled cheek, he looked at me and caught my hand, turned it over and kissed it gently.

“I meant it,” he said, the slight twang in his voice so endearing to me. I smiled as best as I could.

“I know.”

When I got out of Jeff’s building it was raining. I had no umbrella, no jacket, and I clutched myself against the damp cold as I wandered aimlessly down the street. I didn’t want to go home. I walked until I got to the Aquarium, watched excited little kids walking up with their parents, as the waves crashed against the pier. I felt as alone as I had when I left Logan, realising I had no one else in Seattle, that I had to start my life afresh. As I stood at the rail looking out at Bainbridge Island, remembering the other night with Stone, I heard a voice behind me.

“Sara?”

I turned and saw Alicia standing there. She looked startlingly pretty with no makeup, her blonde hair swept into a careless bun, tiny in an oversized sweater.

“Oh. Hey.”

“What are you doing downtown so early?”

I saw her take me in, last night’s makeup, bed hair, barely any sleep and rumpled clothes. I stared at her and a flicker of understanding passed between us. She waited for me to speak.

“I, um.” I crossed my arms, feeling really cold all of a sudden. “I had a, um - doctor thing.”

“A doctor thing.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, you don’t look so great.”

She had this way of saying something and nothing at the same time. Always this edge.

“I called you back last night, you weren’t there,” she said.

“Oh-“

“I just wanted to say, I’m not mad about Jeff.”

I opened my mouth, but I wasn’t sure what to say, and so I didn’t. She came over to me and stood by the railing too, strands of blonde hair blowing in the breeze off the Sound, her blue eyes like steel. We both looked ahead.

“OK,” I said.

“I used to get that ferry sometimes,” she said, as we watched it trail foam into the waves, heading toward the island. “To Andy’s house. God, things were simpler before.” She leaned on the railings, I wondered what she was thinking. I found her impossible to read. She looked at me then. “How’s Stone? He seemed pretty upset the other night.”

“I-“ I didn’t know if I could lie to her. “He’s fine, I guess, I don’t know, he just um, dropped me home…“ I broke off, and when I looked at her I saw this odd smile on her face.

“Well, good.” She suddenly leaned in and hugged me, and I put my arms around her nervously. She lingered a moment, pulled back and said - “You _smell_ great.”

I knew it was a fucking lie. I smelled like Jeff, or sex, like someone who’s been out all night. Our eyes met. I knew she was mad at me for lying to her.

“I gotta run,” she said, and she was going. I didn’t stop her, just called after her-

“Um, Leesh? You want to come over later, or-“

“I can’t,” she called back, not even turning around. I watched her til she disappeared, thinking - _shit._

Eventually, it seemed like hours later, I got home. I listened to the messages on the machine. Alicia, artificially upbeat, saying she hoped I had a great time at the party and I _missed out_ leaving so early. Again, I felt weird listening to it. I pressed the button for the next message… and my heart literally flipped when I heard Stone’s voice.

“Hey, um - it’s Stone. I tried calling you a couple of times. I’m actually in Mount Rainier right now, it’s, well… Pretty cold, for one.” I couldnt help but laugh, the shock and relief of hearing him. “I just wanted to talk. So I guess, call me back when you get this. I’ll be back here about 6.”

He read off a number as I scrambled for a paper and pen. Then the message ended. I immediately reached for the repeat button. Played it about a dozen more times.

Lil stuck her head out of her bedroom door, and for the first time in forever I saw her smile when she saw what I was doing.

“That’s fucking cute,” she said, and I blushed. We both laughed. It was nice.

I glanced at the clock, it was only 5, too early to call him back. I could keep busy til then. I turned on the radio, found a station playing a happy song. But even as I felt my heart lift, I couldnt stop thinking about Jeff, everything that we’d done, and - most of all - about that icy way Alicia looked at me. Like I had something coming to me and I didn’t know what.


	15. Chapter 15

Lil wandered out of her room as I was cleaning the kitchen; she was probably wondering what had come over me since it was pretty much the first time I’d ever done it since I’d moved in. I felt so light, couldn’t stop thinking about Stone and the fact that he had called me. Considering how we left things before, the stuff I said, I thought he would never want to talk to me again.

“So you’re like, seeing that guy?” Lil asked, motioning to the answer machine, which I had finally managed to stop listening to. 

“Uh, not exactly…” I finished the dishes, aware I was kind of blushing. “I guess I don’t know yet.”

“But you like him?”

“Yeah.” I smiled, it was true. In the back of my mind was still the guilt about Jeff, the fact that he liked me, and that I’d left in a rush like that; but you can’t choose who you like. I just wanted to keep enjoying this feeling. It had been a long day feeling sad.

She smiled back, but seemed to have something else to say. “Um, well I don’t know if you want to hear this, but I needed to speak to you because this guy was hanging around outside the building. Like, most of the day.” I stared at her, not understanding. “He actually buzzed at some point, I think he was buzzing all the apartments because Miri upstairs was bitching about it when I put the trash out. And um, he asked if Sara lived here. He sounded kind of, I guess, intense.” 

Lil bit her lip, clearly feeling awkward. I felt a rush of adrenaline go through me.

“Did you see his car?”

“Yeah, it was like, a red pickup.”

I swallowed. “Oh.”

She frowned, confused. “You know him?”

“I think it’s my ex. Logan. Only, he has no idea where I live.”

Lil and I looked at each other. I’m sure she was thinking, _great, more drama._ I was pretty much the worst roommate in Seattle at this point.

“Huh. Well, maybe he, um, got your address from your parents, or…?”

“I don’t, um… really talk to my parents.”

I saw more confusion cross her face. Honestly, Lil and I might as well have been beings from different planets sometimes. 

“Oh.”

“Uh- but yeah, um, maybe, I don’t know, maybe I told him sometime.” I knew I hadn’t, and the nerves were rising up in me, but I didn’t want to freak Lil out. “Thanks. If he buzzes again, just, um- tell him I don’t live here, OK?”

She frowned slightly, but nodded. The awkwardness was palpable.

“OK, well, good luck with the other guy.” She went to go back to her room, paused. “Wait, is his name really _Stone_?”

I smiled, in spite of it all. “Um, yeah.”

Lil comically rolled her eyes. “Seattle is the weirdest. West Coast liberals, man.” 

We giggled and she wandered off again. I stared around the kitchen, trying to quell the adrenaline in my body. Was I afraid of Logan? Time and distance had made me see how pathetic he was, his controlling and paranoid ways, and I’d left before he turned his rage on me instead of just the furniture. But stalking was a little different. I went into my room, pulled back the blinds and looked out at the street. When I saw the unmistakable red truck parked a little way down, I shuddered. I didn’t know what he could want; I hated the way I was turning back into that scared little girl I had been 6 months ago. I’d wanted to change, be a whole new person, I thought it was happening… but here he was again, and I was _her_ again.

I looked at the phone on my desk. I could wait to call Stone as I planned, but suddenly I just didn’t want to be alone, and I also knew, with a dawning confusion, the one person who could make me feel safe…

_“Hey, I’m outside.”_

I pressed the intercom, somewhere beyond the cheap front door I heard the swing and bang of the street door, footsteps. Lil had gone out for dinner, and I’d watched from the window, praying she would go the opposite way to Logan’s truck, which thankfully she did. Being alone in the apartment had made me nervous, which I hated, so I locked myself in the bathroom for a long shower trying to let the water calm me, drown out the anxiety. After, I combed my wet hair, put on leggings and an ancient soft Cleveland Indians shirt, made some tea. When the buzzer went, my heart jumped with nerves, but it wasn’t Logan.

I opened the front door. “Hey. Thank you for coming.”

Jeff stepped inside, looking cute wrapped up against the chill, although not even his padded jacket could make me forget what was underneath. _Wait, what? Stop thinking about that_ \- _this isn’t about that._ He took off his hat, ran a hand through his messy waves as he looked around. 

“No, of course.” He looked at me and I thought again how gorgeous he was. “I was actually, um, really glad you called, I felt like we kinda left things weird earlier.”

“Yeah.” I didn’t really know what to say. He was right. And to be honest, now things were even weirder for me, because instead of calling Stone, I’d called Jeff. I took his jacket and hung it up, offered him some tea which he accepted. We sat on either end of the sofa. I felt suddenly aware of my lack of makeup, wet hair. I knew I shouldn’t care, but I did.

“So you sounded kind of stressed out on the phone.” His blue eyes were concerned.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to be alone.” I exhaled, decided to just come out with it. “I think my ex is stalking me.” I saw his eyes widen, and I nodded, feeling self conscious suddenly. “I know, fucking drama, right?” I shook my head, drank some of my tea, burning my tongue because it was too hot. “My roommate said he’d buzzed for me earlier, and he’s been parked out on the street a while. Thing is, he doesn’t know where I live. Or, I thought not.”

Jeff stared at me. “That’s pretty heavy. Are you OK?”

I shrugged, smiled even though it was tough to do. “I am now, I guess. Thank you for coming, again, I really didn’t want to be alone.”

Even though it was hardly the most romantic thing to say, he took it. He carefully put his hot tea on the coffee table, seemed to be thinking about what to say next. Eventually he said, “I get it, that sounds real intense. I mean, I guess I kind of thought you weren’t into it, after…” He trailed off and I remembered the kind of asshole way I had left this morning. “I mean, whatever. I’m glad you called me. Do you want me to go out and see this guy?”

I thought of Logan, his scrawny little frame, how he was scared of fricking _spiders,_ the way all his rage came out at inanimate objects and small women. Jeff would terrify him. But to be honest, I didn’t want to put Jeff in the middle of it.

“It’s OK. He’s a total pussy. I’m gonna call him and leave him a message, remind him I know where he works, I know his parents’ number. He’s so full of shit.” I was vaguely aware of the anger in my tone when I talked about Logan. “Thanks, though.”

“You don’t need to keep thanking me.”

“OK.”

We looked at each other for a moment. It was funny how I felt safe with him, protected. I knew what a good person he was. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was past 6. Stone would be back now. I realised I wasn’t going to be able to call him, with Jeff here. I didn’t know how that would go down. If he really wanted to talk, he could wait; but I didn’t want to make him wait. _Jesus, Sara, why do you make everything complicated?_

“So how was your thing with Meg?” he asked, and I remembered my awkward lie earlier and had to think pretty fast.

“Oh, um - she had to go to the doctor’s and wanted some moral support.”

He raised an eyebrow and grinned. “I _warned_ her about going with Cantrell, man.” 

I laughed out loud in shock, and he looked happy to have made me laugh. 

“Oh God, please stop talking.”

“That guy is totally, like, sexually crazed, it’s all I’m saying.” 

I giggled again. “ _Stop._ ”

“I hope it’s nothing serious, anyway.”

I smiled. “She’ll be OK.”

Every time there was a pause, I felt that pull between us. I guess we just slept together, it’s just endorphins, or whatever- but I was glad he was here. “So what’d you do today?”

“I actually got pulled into work, they’re really short right now with Stone away and, um, Andy, y’know.” He sighed quietly, and I was reminded of that shitty situation. “I was kind of pissed about it honestly, I just wanted to finish my piece, and, like, sleep.” He glanced at me with a wicked glint in his eye and I was reminded again of our semi-sleepless night together, I couldn’t help but blush. 

He cleared his throat, “Um - but I guess Stone isn’t dealing too well with the shit that’s going on. That scene at Alicia’s was pretty bad. I think his family have some cabin in the mountains or something, he’s probably gone there to like, lick his wounds.” I noticed the slight bitterness in his tone, wondered what the deal was with these two, Granted, they seemed like completely different people, but they’d been playing together a while now, and they were locked in to this Mother Love Bone deal for better or worse. I remembered what Stone had said that night: _It’s how we are. Me and Jeff. We can’t hear each other out._ I wondered how they would fix that, if after a few years they were still at loggerheads. What it would mean for their band. Being honest, it didn’t look great for them.

“I’m sure you guys can work it out. You’ve been friends a while.”

Jeff looked thoughtful. “I remember Mark Arm introduced us, God, it’d be like, 5 or 6 years ago now. And I just… I didn’t get him. I’d been in Seattle a little while, I was missing home. People here aren’t too open, I don’t know-“ 

I nodded, because I got it. It had been the same for me, coming from Ohio. He continued:

“You always feel like there’s some kinda joke, I definitely felt like I was the joke. They used to call me Jeff Diction, they said it was because of this band I was in at the time, but I always thought, like, are you making fun of the way I talk, or..? I mean, I _don’t_ think Stone is an asshole. I mean, sometimes I do. But there’s been a few times I’ve been like, what the _fuck,_ man? I guess he knows what he wants, he’s used to getting what he wants. He definitely has a lot of like… privilege. I don’t know, now _I_ sound like the asshole.”

“No, you don’t.” I didn’t want to talk about Stone, but at the same time, I felt like Jeff really needed to talk about this with someone. And I felt like things made a little more sense now, if this was the way things were. Being around Alicia, Stone, Jeff, their friends - there was so much history, and that feeling of competition, of tension was everywhere. 

Jeff drank some of his tea. “Man, this is good. It reminds me of my mom.” I giggled, he was so cute. “Anyway. I don’t wanna be a downer. I just -“ he sighed. “There was this one time, we were on this tour with Green River. We called it the “amatour”, it was just the biggest wash out.” He smiled, shaking his head remembering.”We were on stage at this club and the crowd fucking hated us anyway, but this guy started trying to like, pull me off the stage.” I stared at him. 

“What?!”

“Yeah, that was the kinda crowd we got. We all looked like, super out there I guess. The kinda thing that would’ve got you beat where I come from anyway. I had this pink shirt on, I think maybe I had like eyeliner on or some shit, and this jock guy starts pulling me into the crowd. And Stone and Bruce, they just - they didn’t do _anything_. Mark jumped in at some point, I mean the guy’s crazy anyway, but Stone just like, got off stage. And after he was like, ‘that was a pretty close one dude’. And I’m like- yeah, it fucking _was!_ I guess it pissed me off, he just looked out for himself, and, um… I think that’s kind of what he does. In general. It’s weird, one of the reasons that band didn’t work out was the guys were so mad at me for being a sell out, wanting people to actually hear our stuff. But I was the only one in the band trying to make rent, getting up at 4am to go work in a coffee shop, you know?”

I thought about Stone, realised I didn’t know him very well at all. The first time I met him I thought he was just one of Alicia’s pampered, bored private school friends. She had a long list of those. Having seen the house she grew up in, the way she breezed through life, I kind of got how Jeff felt about Stone. She was so much fun, I loved to be around her - she knew everyone, and she never seemed to doubt herself for a second. But she also had a sense of entitlement that I would never fully understand, and I’d had to look out for myself for a while now. I sensed there was a lot more to the Green River stuff than I knew, but I could only hope that Mother Love Bone was going to be a better trip for them. If Andy could just be ok, if Stone and Jeff could work it out…. I tried not to think about the fact that I’d slept with both of them, right in the middle of the fight that was currently threatening the future of their band. Like I said- _I fucking complicate everything._

“Talk to him when he gets back,” I said lamely, and Jeff nodded, there wasn’t much more to say about it. I picked up my tea which was by now kind of cold. 

“You look cute,” he said, and I blushed, covered my face with my hands.

“Don’t, this is fully, like, my off duty look.”

“I like it.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. Remembered the things he’d said earlier, about how he felt about me. I could tell he was thinking about it too. 

“Um, so- are you going back to Montana for Christmas?”i said randomly, trying to change the subject.

“I haven’t decided,” he said. I kind of remembered him saying things were a little tense with his dad. “Probably not. I miss the place, miss my mom, my brothers and sisters.” I saw his face light up a little at the mention of them, it was cute. “But I think I said before, me and my dad don’t exactly…” He tailed off. I nodded, I got that too. “One day, I’ll go back. When I can get me a big ranch and a big piece of sky,” he said in an exaggerated cowboy accent, and I giggled. “When Mother Love Bone go triple platinum, y’know, couple of Grammys,” he added. I smiled.

“Well, I love it. I love what you guys are doing.”

“Yeah, I didn’t catch you at the show,” he said quizzically. “You were there, right? We met at the bar before.”

I had pretty much spent the whole evening with Stone. “Um, yeah. I was there a while. I guess Alicia was holding you hostage.”

He grinned ruefully. “She’s something. I remember when I met her, I was fucking _terrified_ , I never met a girl like that before. Like, really beautiful, super-forward, but just… she’s a _lot._ Fun though. I always thought she and Stone had a thing, but I don’t know. They both just kinda do what they want.”

I looked at him in surprise, trying not to seem too interested. “Leesh and Stone? I think they’re just like, old friends.”

He thought about it. “Yeah, for sure. I just remember thinking they had some weird kind of… I don’t know. It’s none of my business. I’m pretty sure you’d know, anyways. She likes to talk.”

“She definitely does.”

I left it at that. Jeff was probably thinking about some other girl, it was hardly like I thought Stone was a vestal virgin. Or Alicia for that matter.

“So, uh- you want to watch a movie or something?”he said. “Might help you relax.”

That made me think of the video store guy. Mike. “Um, sure. Hey, I was at the video store the other day and I saw that guy from the party again. The one who was totally _shredding_ on guitar, I think I told you before. His name’s Mike. He says he doesn’t play, which kind of surprised me. You definitely don’t know him?”

Jeff frowned. “There was a guy, Mike, he was in like a hair band with some guys, I think they went out to LA though. Shadow, it was. If it’s the same guy, he was pretty fucking rad. All everyone used to talk about was their solos. I’ll look out for him next time there’s a get together.”

“Well, if you ever need another guitarist…”

He chuckled. “You mean if Stone and Bruce’s egos will allow? So like, never.”

We switched on the TV and looked around for a movie, settling on some Western which started off as a joke but eventually both of us were pretty absorbed and laughing about the terrible set-pieces and hokey music. It was probably the most normal, relaxed thing I had done since I came to Seattle. At some point, we moved closer and I laid my head on his shoulder, our bodies relaxing into each other. It was nice. And it was only when the credits rolled and he turned to me, brushed a strand of hair away from my face in that insanely cute way that hew did, that I realised I hadn’t thought about Stone at all. 

“How are you doing?”he said softly.

“I’m good.”

He leaned in, just a little, and I said, “I, um- is it OK if we- don’t? I’m sorry, I just… I’ve had a weird day, and I need to sleep.”

He nodded, didn’t push it. “I meant what I said before. If you need time, or- whatever. Or just, a friend. I like being with you.”

“Me too.” And it was true. 

He looked at the clock. “Man, it’s kind of late. I should probably…” 

I knew it wouldn’t be right to ask him to stay, particularly because I couldn’t guarantee we wouldn’t end up having sex again. “Yeah.”

“Are you gonna be OK?”

It was definitely like, the elephant in the room between us - the fact of what had happened just a few hours earlier, the fact we were cuddled on a sofa and it was getting late.

“Yeah, Lil should be back soon. I’m fine. I will be,” I said, wondering why I felt somehow reluctant. It was too late to call Stone anyway…, and some part of me made me think, maybe I had to figure that out before I went back for more. Things were not simple in any way.

Jeff got up, took the cups to the sink and washed them for me. He noticed my writing notebook lying on the kitchen table. “Hey, I gotta see some of your stuff someday. I showed you mine, so you gotta show me yours.”

I raised one eyebrow. “I mean, I feel like we’re past that,” I teased. He blushed, which was just… everything.

“i guess so.” Grinning, he got his jacket off the peg and put his hat on. We looked at each other. 

“I had fun tonight,” he said. 

“Me too. And thank you, again.”

“If that guy gives you any trouble, call me, OK? Any time.”

“I will.”

“OK, good.”

After a moment he came to me, pulled me into a hug. He smelled so good, and his hugs were amazing. “Sleep well,” he said, and kissed me very lightly on the cheek. Then he was gone, and I was surprised to feel a little sad about it.

When I looked out of my bedroom window, Logan’s truck was gone. I gathered myself and went to dig my old address book out of my desk drawer, found where I’d scribbled down the number of our old place the day we moved in, God - I’d been so excited, so sure this was it: real love, real life. How wrong I’d been. I hesitated, then dialled the number, my heart pounding. When it went through to voicemail I gave a silent prayer of thanks, then -

“Hi, Logan. It’s Sara. Listen, I know you found out where I live. I know you came by my place, I saw your truck in the fucking street.” I hadn’t wanted to get angry, but I _was_ angry. Our relationship had almost broken me, picked me up and dumped me in this unknown city far from everything and everyone I knew, and I still felt like I had no idea what I wanted, who I was; no wonder I was going through these issues with guys, Logan fucked me up well and good. I _had_ to take back control, at least of one thing in my life. “You can take this as a warning: if you come here again, or try and get to me, I’m gonna go see your boss, I’m gonna call your folks, I’ll call the police if I have to. I’m pretty sure your dad doesn’t want a felon for a son considering the fact that he’s a fucking _sheriff._ I guess you forgot about that. I never want to see or hear from you again.” 

The phone made a satisfying click when I hung up.

It was almost eleven when I decided to drag myself to bed. But just as I was about to get in, I impulsively went back to the kitchen and grabbed the slip of paper I’d written on earlier, picked up the phone and sat on my bed, dialled the out of town number. It was probably way too late. He wouldn’t pick up.

“Hello?”

Stone’s faraway voice sounded a little sleepy. It made my heart skip a beat, much as I wished it didn’t have such an immediate effect on me. I clutched the phone, pulled it together.

“Hey. Um… it’s Sara. I got your message.”

“Oh. OK. I kind of assumed you didn’t want to talk to me, um..” There was a static pause on the line, I imagined him fidgeting in that way he did. “I’m glad you called me back.”

“Sorry it’s so late, I had a kind of crazy day.” I realised I wasn’t going to tell him about Logan, definitely wasn’t going to tell him about Jeff. 

“Oh yeah? How so?”

“Just, um… work stuff,” I said, biting my lip. “So, you’re up a mountain, huh?”

I smiled to hear his laugh on the other end. “It’s actually a volcano.”

“Wait, what?!” The immediate shock in my voice made him laugh again. 

“I swear to God. It’s actually one of the most dangerous volcanoes in the world.” I was like- “ _what?!!_ ” again, and he continued- “But yeah, it’s in the mountains. It’s pretty cool. My family has a cabin here. It got kind of heavy for me, with Jeff and Andy and stuff, so i’m just here like, playing guitar, working on some songs. Fending off yetis and stuff. The usual.”

“I think yetis are in the Andes or something.”

“Himalayas,” he said immediately.

“OK, well you’re clearly the expert on that,” I said, smiling, and I was struck by how easy it was. Whenever I’d been with him, it had just been… fun. And easy. I wished again that I hadn’t acted so defensive the other night. Or that he had just not got fucked up and avoidant in the first place.

“Yetis, among other things.” 

“I’m not even gonna ask.”

He cleared his throat. “So, um, I guess I just wanted to say… thank you for listening to me the other night. You really didn’t have to do that, I was definitely kind of an asshole before.”

“Kind of.”

“I guess the reason for that was… like I said before, things are crazy for me right now. The whole Andy trip, the band, it’s just… I don’t even know what’s gonna happen with that. My parents are kind of freaking out. I mean, I _need_ this to work. And Jeff, that’s..”

“I get it,” I said, feeling slightly guilty that I had just heard the other side of this from Jeff.

“Yeah. But, um - I felt kind of shitty about how we left things the other night. I shouldn’t have left like that. I mean, I know you were mad, and you were right to be. I guess I just…” he exhaled, I could tell this was hard for him-“.. just, I don’t wanna, like, not see you again.” My heart picked up. “I can’t, uh… make a lot of promises right now, but like, what you said- you didn’t want me to treat you like you don’t matter, or… It wasn’t like that. I mean, it’s _not.”_

I realised that in his incredibly obtuse way he was trying to say something. _Was it enough?_ I thought about Jeff’s honesty, the way he had told me how he felt. But then, lying here remembering Stone beside me… Something about him kept me coming back. Maybe I was a total idiot for that. 

“I get the stuff about the band, about… whatever. I mean, I wasn’t expecting, like, a _ring,_ or something-“ I began.

“Well, goddamn it, I mean I already spent like a month’s paycheck on one of those, so I guess _that_ was kind of a waste,” he said, I giggled and I could tell from his voice he was smiling. “I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back, probably a week or so. But maybe we can hang out.”

“That would be cool.” In the back of my mind was: _fuck, Jeff, how is this gonna work?_ But at that moment, I just didn’t care too much.

“I promise not to get in any fights or like, angst about my friends’ drug problems.”

I shook my head, he was too fucking dry. “I _said,_ that would be cool.”

“OK. Cool.”

“So are you on like, yeti-watch now? You have some kind of special yeti-zapper, or..?”

“It’s more of a kinda giant fishing rod, I just sit up on the roof and like, go ahead and fish any yetis I see.”

“I’m impressed.”

“Upper body strength.”

I smiled into the static. “There snow up there?”

“A little bit.” I could hear he was moving somewhere. “Oh, it’s actually snowing a little right now.”

I pictured him, standing by a window watching the snow fall. “That sounds pretty.”

“Quite picturesque really,” he said in a comic British accent. I rolled my eyes, listened to him breathe for a moment. There was a lot between us; Jeff, Andy, Logan, God knows what else. But for now, we were quiet together.

“I guess I should let you get to bed,” he said.

“Yeah.” I had work early, I was exhausted, but I didn’t want to go anywhere.

“So maybe I’ll see you when I get back.”

“OK. Uh, Stone?”

“Yeah.”

“Watch out for that volcano, huh?”

He chuckled. “I think if anything else happens to this band, Jeff might just go take holy orders or something, so… I will.”

“Good.”

“Night.”

“Night.”

There was a pause before we hung up, and I pressed the button on the phone before I could say anything to ruin it. I lay there in the dark, heard Lil’s key in the front door. Nothing was clear, but I’d figure it out tomorrow.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Grace POV 1986/87 and some more back-story, looking back to Malfunkshun/Green River times pre-MLB.

## Grace, 1986-87

I’m always that girl who’s just the best friend. I’m used to it. When you know someone like Alicia, who eats up all the attention in the room, you kind of expect it. Even when we were little, I always wanted to be just like her, and it was like that for years, way after we got into music, drugs, boys, whatever. She was exciting, she made things happen. I was all in for it, whatever she wanted to do, that’s what we did.

But Andy - he kind of made me feel special. It was like he picked me out. We were bumping into him at Monastery or parties and I was kind of scared of him at first but soon I realised how sweet he was, and funny without ever being mean - which was huge in our circle, where ribbing each other was like an Olympic sport. 

One Sunday sometime in ‘86, I’d bumped into him at the Science Centre and I didn’t recognise him at first, he had his hair pulled back and he had these big sunglasses on even though it was inside. We were both looking at the robotic dinosaur exhibit, it was the type of thing I’d never ask any of my friends to go to and I definitely didn’t expect to see anyone I knew. There was a section with a velociraptor squaring up to a T Rex, it looked pretty ridiculous. I took out my camera and took a photo, surreptitiously looking around to check there was no security guy to chew me out for it. 

Sunglasses guy did a double take and said, “It’s you.”

He took his glasses off and I saw the black circles round his eyes, but couldn’t help smiling at his infectious grin.

“It is,” I said, kind of awkwardly, my shyness rising up, and he narrowed his eyes, reached out and looked at the camera round my neck.

“Check you out, Annie Leibovitz.” 

I giggled, couldn’t believe he knew who she was. “Something like that.”

“I did not expect to see, like, anyone cool here,” he said, rubbing his hand over his face. 

I blushed, as if _I_ was cool. “Me either. So are we _both_ , like, cool?”

“Oh, definitely,” he said, and we both glanced at the stupid exhibit. “I gotta say, I’m backing the little guy. He’s got spirit.”

“I mean, who doesn’t love an underdog.”

“It’s relatable.”

We both grinned. For some reason I didn’t feel shy, and I impulsively raised my camera. “Can I? Just in case the record goes interstellar and I need bragging rights.” 

“Oh, God. Um, sure.” I expected him to do something zany, but he just smiled. His face was so great to photograph, kind of like Stone’s was. I really hoped they would have a lot of good photos taken of them someday, by people who knew what they were doing. I took the picture and just as I clicked the shutter, a security guy materialised and reprimanded me for photography inside the museum. 

“Jeez, I didn’t know you were such a goddamn rule breaker,” Andy remarked. “Come on, let’s go take dumb pictures and get some coffee.”

It was nothing like the day I expected to have. We walked all around the Space Needle, Andy balanced along the edge of the fountain as I took photos, his arms spread out like he was walking a tight rope or something, his face lit up smiling. Somehow it was bright for once in Seattle, the light was perfect. We talked about dinosaurs, music, our friends. He asked me if I remembered the DJ who dressed like a monk back at Monastery and I cracked up because it was something Alicia talked about too, but I had no memory of it at all. Andy was super-excited about the “Deep Six” record, more than any of us, even more than Green River.

“I mean, the blood, sweat and tears that went in that thing? Mostly Stone’s tears,” he added, and I had to laugh because the stories I had heard about what went on in the studio recording that EP, drama was not the word. The last time the guys talked about it, Alicia told a self righteous Stone that “‘perfectionist’ is just short for ‘cunt’ ” and Mark and Jeff laughed their asses off. I don’t think it improved things in their band at all, she’s a piece of work. “But I mean, I was ready. I’ve basically been rehearsing since I was like, 3.”

“That’s dedication,”i said, snapping him from the side, catching his face in profile, thoughtful for a moment. He was so pretty. So nice. He caught me looking at him and covered his face with his hands, which I also took a picture of. I don’t know what I was taking all those pictures for, I guess I thought someone might want to look at them someday. 

He jumped off the side of the fountain like a cat, light on his feet. We went to get coffee from the vendor and wandered through the Fun Forest, it was the dead time of day when all the rides were switched off, the paths clear of discarded candyfloss and soda bottles. 

“I wanna go see Van Halen at the Garden next month,” he said, like a little kid talking about Disneyland or something. “I feel like it’s important. Like, welcome Sammy: welcome to the fold. David’s a hard act to follow, but we’re gonna give you a chance. Rock this shit out.”

I smiled. Andy was a rockstar in his own head. If he didn’t miss David Lee Roth, then in his mind, no one should. “I mean, New York’s kind of far. You should write him a letter though, he probably needs some love.”

“Nah, it’s gotta be the Garden. That’s the dream. I mean, I need to check out the acoustics anyway.”

You had to laugh at the thought of little Malfunkshun on that great big stage. “Uh-huh.”

“Ohh, ye of little faith!” he nudged me. His eyes were dancing in the sunlight. I didn’t take a picture, just tried to remember it.

“Nah, you’ll get there.”

He was really normal. Just fun and normal. He didn’t talk about rehab, or didn’t talk about band drama like our other friends did. I just remember laughing, all the time. Days like that were like medicine to me, in-between all the trying to be cool, trying to keep up. 

I asked if he wanted to come see the photos when I got them developed and he was really excited about it. It never happened, he was kind of hard to pin down; but they made me smile every time I looked at them. They still do.

The first time I went to go see Malfunkshun it was absolutely crazy. That was all Andy. They didn’t look or sound like anyone else I’d ever seen. The show was at Gorilla Gardens, I secretly hated it there because the bathrooms were gross and the metal guys who hung out there always sleazed over you in the big hallway that connected the two rooms. But that night I’d had one of my mom’s Valium to take the edge off, plus just enough tequila, and I felt good. I’d made an extra effort with my makeup, customised an old dress to make it a little more sexy and cool. Alicia pulled me by the hand through the crowds that flooded the main hallway, it was this insane mix of hardcore punks, big metalhead, normies, everyone. And weirdly they weren’t all fighting or whatever, which was strange because there were actual riots outside clubs those days, clashes of cultures like that.

We were with the Green River guys and so everyone was kind of looking at us, they were definitely kind of a big deal in Seattle for a while. Me and Alicia joked about how Bruce owed us big time for Sub Pop, it was her party that started it all. Maybe that was true, maybe it wasn’t.

Anyway, we were all trying to get a good spot by the front of the stage, even though I was secretly freaked out because it could get so violent down there. I noticed as usual how Alicia and Stone were always touching, it was like there was some kind of magnetic current between them, it was in the way she was always messing with his hair or the way he put his arms on either side of her when they stood at the front of the gig, as if he would keep her safe. I felt kind of weird about it, only because of my stupid unrequited crush on him at that time, and so that was all the thought i really gave it. I liked his nerdy side, the way he talked about things like saving the turtles when he was drunk, the way he carried around novels in his guitar case. Stuff Alicia gave him a hard time for in front of everyone.

When Malfunkshun took the stage it was wild. Andy always had the craziest hair , he’d wear women’s clothes sometimes, or a full face of makeup. I almost didn’t recognise him on stage that first time, it was so different to the Andy who nerded out about his Nintendo games or teased me gently about my afro; this Andy was almost terrifying, and the voice on him was like an avenging angel, or - I don’t know. 

But then, he’d do something like produce a box of Lucky Charms from beside his amp and spray the front of the crowd with cereal, I was picking tiny four leaf clover marshmallows out of my hair even the next morning. It was the most fun I’d ever had at a show and I couldn’t help thinking they were the coolest, most inventive band in Seattle right now, though I’d never say it to Stone and the other Green River guys. Andy seemed to belong on stage more than anywhere else. I couldn’t wait to give him a hug after and tell him how much I loved it.

Everyone was at that show. I recognised Cornell first because he was so tall, he made me feel like a munchkin or something. Like always he seemed a little embarrassed by his obvious beauty, he always looked at his shoes, didn’t speak a lot unless he had something to say. He was with Kim, who I found really intimidatingly smart, and Jim from the U Men, who Mark barrelled at and got in a head lock. I noticed Jeff and Stone look at each other when he did that, a slight eye roll type thing, and wondered what was going on lately because it seemed like the Green River guys were getting in each other’s faces a lot. They were about to go on a tour, and Mark had spent most of the night so far ragging about Stone’s car and how it wasn’t gonna make it past Oregon, to which Stone had said something about if Mark was gonna be such a _fucking bitch_ about it, maybe he should be the one to call Bruce for once. There were definitely a few awkward pauses.

But we all hung out waiting for Andy to come out and he appeared looking a serious mess, his face streaked with this kind of clown makeup, his super-tight T-shirt clinging sweatily to his muscled chest. When he saw me his face lit up and I guess mine did too, because when he squeezed me too tight as usual, Alicia yelled “get a fucking room already” and I blushed all the way down to my toes. It’s funny because it wasn’t like _that_ at all. I just loved him, I loved being near him, and how he seemed to have been able to turn his natural shyness into something people could love, he wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. I wanted to be like that so much.

“So now that’s outta the way, where are we going?!” Andy beamed around, like he hadn’t just played a completely amazing set, captured everyone in that crowd. His brother Kev was hanging out behind him, seemed to be keeping an eye on him. Last year Andy had disappeared for a while, Alicia told me he was in rehab, something she couldn’t talk about without curling her lip as if it was the stupidest thing in the world.

“The Vogue,”Mark said exactly the same time as Stone said, “Bohemian Cafe.” The two of them looked at each other, not exactly amused; and anticipating another awkward moment, Alicia said, “how about the 700 Club” and Andy whooped, I think she knew he would like that. It was a kind of funk club, not really Mark or Bruce’s scene, Jeff, Stone and Andy spent most of that night huddled together by the stage like three kids, getting drunker and yelling requests at the old timers on stage, at some point even getting up there, like three excited puppies trying to outdo each other on borrowed instruments. Mark had only stayed for one drink, which was like, so not him at all.

Anyway, it all went kind of downhill over the next year - and Halloween in 1987 was the day Stone and Jeff quit Green River.

I was kind of out of sorts that night. It’d been a couple of weeks since me and Stone had hooked up at a party on Bainbridge Island, one of Andy and Regan’s crazy forest excursions. I’d built it up for so long that I guess I came on pretty strong - that, and whatever I’d drunk or taken, I don’t even really remember now. His face was such a picture in the moonlight, I remember telling him I wished I had my camera, him laughing incredulously like he didn’t know he was gorgeous: bullshit. The sex was quick, heated, against a tree. My dress got ripped somehow and I remember he lent me his jacket, and we lay on the ground after, looking up at the stars, my head on his chest, feeling more distant from him, not closer. After we wandered back to the others, he disappeared, and I remember Alicia picking leaves off my dress and telling me she was glad I’d finally got him out of my system. I hadn’t, because I waited around for days thinking he would call me.

The next time we saw each other was the night before Halloween, and he didn’t mention it. We were all down at the Central that night, there was a kind of jam night, open mic thing, and I remember Green River and Malfunkshun were somehow up on the tiny stage, I don’t know how they all fit. They started playing “Louie Louie”, it was probably the only song they all knew, and the people packing the dance floor went wild.

I was dancing with Alicia and Meg, we were doing this sixties girl group type dancing, the kind you do when you know you look good. I didn’t want to be the girl moping around, even if I felt it. Regan was drumming, I remember Alex was standing off at the back of the stage, arms crossed. Andy and Mark were sharing the one mic, yelling over each other through the song, looking so wrong together. Stone and Kevin Wood were playing off each other, when it got to the little solo I saw Stone hold back to let Kevin take it and Mark turned round, glared at him- like it was all some kind of contest. That song kind of works if it’s scrappy, it was a cool thing to see, and no one would’ve really noticed that stuff unless they were looking.

But as she twirled me, Alicia pulled me to her and whispered, “Green River is over, Stoney just told me” and I gotta say, I was shocked. If Green River were done, I didn’t know what that meant. 

I looked back at the stage and saw Andy and Stone, heads together, singing out of time with Mark, and I guess looking back it was obvious what was gonna happen next. I think Mother Love Bone came not long after, they went through a couple of names.

I must have been staring at Stone pretty obviously that night because I remember Cornell appearing at my side and saying, “I think Stone is gonna be pretty famous, don’t you?” - one of those things that was so him, out of the blue and blunt, and you never knew if he was joking or not. If anyone was gonna be famous, it was him - Chris, surely. Alicia was somewhere else and I felt kind of self conscious on my own, he had that effect. I giggled nervously and excused myself to the bathroom. 

I wish I’d been less shy, then. I could’ve had a lot more fun. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Back in 1989 now, from Sara POV again.

The next few days passed kind of quietly, which was a relief. Jeff called me once, asking if everything was ok with the Logan situation, and it made me smile that he cared, though it also made me feel awkward because truth was, I felt like I was just waiting for Stone to get back. But things were OK, particularly because Grace called me excitedly on Monday about a job at Sub Pop Records which Charles had heard about.

“It can’t be worse than what you’re doing now, right? They want someone to write press releases, stuff like that. You get tickets to all the shows, you get paid to write, it’d be rad.”

I smiled at her excitement. “I mean, that sounds amazing.”

“I can copy your resume at the studio if you put something together. They’re seeing people already.”

“Thanks, Gracie.” 

“Did you have an ok weekend? I know you left with Stone after the party, I was meaning to call you sooner and catch up.”

“Um, yeah. That was a weird night.”

“Did you, like… Did something happen? I kind of thought you’d seen Jeff…”

“Yeah, no, nothing happened. I felt bad for Stone but honestly I kind of just wanted to leave, Alicia was being weird and I needed a ride home.” I didn’t know why I was holding back from my friends like this. 

“She’s a lot. Jeff’s been in her sights for pretty much years, maybe she’ll finally take a hint now,” Grace mused. “Anyway, do that resume. Let’s get coffee after work this week, maybe we can do some Christmas shopping.” 

It sounded good and despite my slight guilt about not being honest, things seemed to be looking up. Also, on Wednesday morning I got a call from the video store saying Cocktail was back in. I braced myself to call Alicia, thinking there was no way she would turn down her ultimate guilty crush Tom Cruise, particularly if I promised to make Long Island Iced Teas. I knew I had to neutralise the situation in some way; I remembered the look on her face when I left her party with Stone, and how pissed she had seemed about me and Jeff; not to mention our weird exchange by the Aquarium the other day. 

But just as I was about to pick up the phone, it rang. It spooked me.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sara.”

I felt a chill at the sound of Logan’s voice.

“What do you want?” I said slowly. 

“I know you think I’m some crazy psycho.”

“Yeah, well it’s kind of the image you’re projecting right now. How did you even find out where I live?”

“I talked to your mom.”

“What?!”

I wished not for the first time that I had never sent her my new address. I hadn’t said anything else to her, but it felt like a huge mistake as soon as I sent it.

“She called _me_. Look, the reason I tracked you down was…. I didn’t want to say this over the phone. But since you fucking threatened me, I guess I’m gonna have to.”

“Say _what_?” 

There was a silence on the other line. “Your dad. He’s sick. Like, _sick_. I guess he doesn’t have a lot of time left. He has stage 4 cancer and I guess it’s gonna be weeks. Or days.”

I felt a rush of different emotions through me. All my life my dad treated me like shit, the night before I left with Logan I thought he was gonna hit me like he did since i was tiny. I’d spent a lot of time wishing him dead. And hearing it from Logan was just ten times worse. 

“So you thought you’d hang outside my house, try and get in my apartment, instead of calling me or leaving me a message?” I demanded, my anger rising, “and what, then do nothing for 3 days? What the fuck?!” But why was I surprised? He’d never cared about me, he just wanted control.

“I wanted to see you. And I thought you’d need someone,”he said, the same old possessive creep, he had clearly seen this as an in. I didn’t understand why my mom wouldn’t just call me herself. But then she had no idea of how things had broken down between me and Logan. When we left Ohio, he pretty much owned me.

“I will _never_ need you.” I said slowly, deliberately. “Remember what I said about trying to get to me again. Goodbye Logan.” 

I put the phone down, and then I just stood there in the kitchen, suddenly overcome. All the memories were flooding back at once; my dad: swinging me high on the tyre swing he made me, throwing a beer bottle at my cowering mom, taking me for ice cream after school, locking me in the dark hall closet screaming, telling me he was proud of me at my graduation, telling me I wouldn’t amount to shit in this world when i said I wanted to leave Ohio. 

I knew how to hang on to a love until it destroyed me, it was the very reason I was in Seattle. And right now I knew I still loved my dad, I hated him too, but I didn’t want him to die, or at least, not without seeing him again. 

_What do you want, Sara?_ It felt like I never knew exactly what I wanted. I was feeling my way, and right now I was going to go home, as if I had no choice in the matter.

I called the airline and booked a ticket, draining my meagre savings. Cocktail sat unclaimed in its box at the video store, and I didn’t get to talk to Alicia, didn’t work on my resume for Sub Pop. I begged some leave from Lucille, left Jeff and Grace messages saying I was going out of town for a family emergency, and asked Lil to just write down then delete any messages I got. None of it seemed too important right now. Lastly, I called my mom and told her I was coming home, the sound of her familiar voice making me feel heavy with guilt and anger. In the cab on the way to Sea-Tac I saw a weather-beaten poster for the Soundgarden show at the Moore flapping off a lamppost and i just felt sad, and strangely ashamed of myself.

The flight was torture, my eyes kept filling with tears and the over-attentive stewardesses fussed around me. I had my cassette player and just listened to The Cult on loop, it reminded me of before I met Stone and Jeff and everything got complicated. 

Leaving Seattle, some of the stuff I’d done seemed so terrible. Hooking up with two guys in the space of a couple of days, let alone two friends who were also in a professional situation, it was just so far from OK, and I could see that now. The incestuous, glamorous circle Alicia brought me into made everything seem like shades of grey - when in fact it was pretty black and white. Also, I felt like shit, because I’d violated girl code big time. I knew she’d liked Jeff a while, and I hadn’t even apologised about it. I resolved that when I got back in town, I was going to set it all right. Even if that meant losing both Jeff and Stone. I didn’t want to be that person who hurt others, whether intentionally or not.

Mom met me at the airport. She looked so small, so tired. When she hugged me I started crying. In the car I told her everything that had happened with Logan and when she said she’d seen it coming I turned my face to the window, gazing out at the winter-hard fields, the icy white endless sky. I didn’t tell her anything else about what had gone on recently, because it would just make me feel like even more of a fuck-up than I already did.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Smut warning
> 
> Alicia POV, 1989

##  **Alicia**

Sara’s about as subtle as a brick. I knew as soon as I saw her standing there by the Aquarium. Stone _and_ Jeff, what a trip for anyone. `But you don’t lie to your best friend. I feel like I’ve given that girl a lot and I just didn’t appreciate her lying to me. To be honest, that hurt me more. The Jeff thing I could live with, I really did think he was a little too nice, and I don’t know what to do with nice. I just wish she hadn’t lied to me, because it made me want to hurt her. You have to watch out for pretty boys, they can really fuck you up.

I thought about it for a while. Then she had to go out of town, and I didn’t figure out exactly what to do until I was sitting in the same room as Jeff and Stone and the rest of the guys - and then it became so obvious.

We were all at the Showbox that night. Mother Love Bone were checking out a couple of the bands as possible support for a tour in the new year, and we hung out with them in the VIP area, which was still a total novelty for all of us. At some point Meg had to go home, and I said I’d stick around. Stone and Jeff were still clearly in a weird place. Since my party they’d barely spoken to each other. It would’ve messed Andy up, I was glad he wasn’t around for this.

I was watching Stone. He looked cool, kind of sexy - some punk band T-shirt, his brown hair tousled around his face. But even though people kept coming up to them and telling them how awesome they were, wanting to know about the record, about LA, about Andy - he just seemed kind of distracted or bored, giving one word answers. To be honest, if I had to listen to Jeff and Bruce discuss the Mother Love Bone mural like it was modern art, I guess I would be too.

“- and it’s still there which is awesome, no one’s sprayed over it or anything yet, so that’s good,” Bruce was saying.

Jeff nodded. “Great, I haven’t been down there a few weeks, I took Sara there and she thought it was pretty cool.”

I saw Greg look at Stone; Bruce look at Jeff. And realised that, somehow, Jeff had to be the only one who didn’t know about Sara and Stone. Which was just so _perfect._

“That’s so cute, Jeffy,” I said smoothly. “The artist thing is totally hot, good call on that.”

Stone looking at Jeff; Greg looking at me. 

“I mean, it worked out pretty good.” Jeff was smiling, kind of bashfully, which was cute. And tragic.

“Yeah, how’s that?” Stone said immediately. 

I met Greg’s eyes and he just gave this kind of wicked smile, like - _this is gonna be good._ Greg likes to spill when he’s too drunk and we had a pretty interesting conversation at my party after Sara and Stone left. The guy _’_ s always been a slut for drama, and honestly, I’m not sure he’s Stone’s biggest fan either. I guess he saw something he probably shouldn’t have backstage at the Moore. I gotta say the whole thing had sounded pretty hot to me - like, I never had Sara down for the public sex type, but I’m not saying I didn’t approve. 

“I mean, it’s early to call it, but I kinda like her. We’ve hung out a bit,” Jeff said, only a little defensive. I looked at Stone fidgeting with one of his bracelets, he never lost that stupid habit, he’s done that forever. His eyes were hard as glass. 

“ _Man,_ remember how great Soundgarden were at the Moore?” Greg cut in suddenly. “That show was a fucking trip, I don’t think I’m gonna forget _that_ in a hurry.” 

Jeff and Bruce looked at him, a little confused by the random change of subject. I laughed out loud and Stone stared at Greg, then me, I knew he was trying to figure out what we knew. I shook my head, smiling, directed my attention somewhere else which I knew was gonna drive Stone crazy, he hated being the butt of the joke.

“Uh, yeah. It was great. Hey, you think Cornell is doing his party this year?” Jeff said, trying to stay on neutral ground.

“ _Chris_ -mas! He better, dude, his cooking is better than my mom’s,”Bruce said. 

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, I hated Christmas. I didn’t want to talk about Chris’ fucking holiday party for the waifs and strays of Seattle. 

“You should give her a call, Jeff,” I said, returning to the Sara topic. “I bet she’d love it. And when she gets back, you guys can, you know…. go check out that mural again.”

At this, Greg grinned, and Stone got up and said he was going to go get another drink. 

There was an awkward silence. But then, those were pretty normal for the band these days. Some label guy appeared out of nowhere, started talking to Jeff about something. Bruce and Greg were kind of listening in. I bid my time, started watching the band on stage. I’d seen them before, they were a three-piece from Olympia or something, some skinny little blonde guy groaning away on the mic, super-dirty guitars. I didn’t think they’d make the cut to support Mother Love Bone somehow. Stone was standing over near the bar, he wasn’t drinking actually, just watching the band, or staring into space, it was tough to tell.

I finished my drink, crossed over to him.

“You look like you’re having a good time.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Sure.”

“Smile and nod, Stoney, just smile and nod.”

“If I hear ‘the new Guns n Roses’ one more time I’m gonna quit.”

I laughed, I mean, it was pretty funny. One minute he was in some Stooges wannabe punk band, next minute he’s, what? Slash? Sometimes I thought these boys thought the right haircut was all they needed to be in a fucking rock band.

“You want to go?”

He considered it, biting his lip. “I said I’d handle all this shit when Andy was away. I mean, you think _Jeff_ is on point?” His tone was loaded with contempt, and it even surprised me. 

“Well, you know I always think Jeff is on point.” I said provocatively. I saw his eyes narrow at that.

 _“_ Give it another five years Leesh, I’m sure he’ll warm up to you,” he said, his tone totally cold, and I stared at him. It wasn’t like Stone to be like, openly rude, especially to me; he generally preferred the passive-aggressive, sarcastic approach. Not for the first time lately, I was thinking he was a spoilt brat, and I was _over it_. Ego wasn’t my fucking trip. 

“Oh, go have fun with your little friends,” I said, equally coolly, and turned to go, tossing my hair in just the right way. It didn’t surprise me at all when he said: 

“No, fuck this, I’ll come with you.”

We wove through the crowd, close together. As usual we got a few glances, I knew we looked good together, and it could have almost been a few years back, when all we had to worry about was the comedown or getting home mid-morning without our parents realising where we’d been. I took his hand, pulled him after me, then when we got to the alcove where the bathrooms were, I stopped, looked him in the eyes. It had been a while, but we knew each other well enough to know what it meant. 

Maybe if Jeff hadn’t mentioned Sara, it wouldn’t have been that easy- but it was. 

I closed the door of the disabled bathroom behind us, locked it, then we were kissing; it was really hot, like we both really needed something. I undid his jeans with one hand, biting on his bottom lip. He was super into it, and I remembered what he liked. I whispered “fuck me” into his ear, and sorry Sara, he didn’t even think twice, just lifted me onto the counter by the sink, pulled my panties aside and pushed inside me, no buildup. It was rough, electric, it thrilled me: he was so different these days. I remember how unsure he used to be. It was the worst and best kind of sex, full of what you can’t say with words: _Give me what I need. Hurt me. Let me hurt you. What do you want from me?_ I didn’t have to fake anything.

I could tell he was kind of close already and I tried to kiss him again, felt him resist. I suddenly had this weird feeling that he wasn’t totally focused or something.

“Are you thinking about Sara right now?”

He looked at me, breathlessly, stopping a moment- “What, no-“

“It’s ok, I don’t care.” I kissed him, hard, ground myself against him and felt him groan into my mouth as his movements became more ragged. Here’s the thing, I knew how to get him where I wanted him. “It’s just us, it’s whatever, you know?” I said, nuzzling him. He closed his eyes like he didn’t want to hear me, see me, and that gave me this sudden jolt of anger, and I scratched down his shoulder, hard. He looked at me, his eyes wide - I think he kind of liked it, but I was like: _fuck you, look at me, you’re inside me for crying out loud._

I suddenly had a vivid memory of that day in his attic after I came back from rehab, when I started, ugh, _crying_ after we did it, feeling so empty and sad; and the way he just held me for hours, kissed me everywhere, told me I was strong, that I was gonna be OK. It was like a totally different Stone.

Then, he roughly pushed my head back into the wall, his thrusts deeper, holding me firm. I pulled his hair, hard, bit down on his neck. That was going to leave a mark too. Well, whatever, he could use more edge.

We both finished around the same time. The release was brief, intense, left me aching. Then I shook out my hair, pulled down my dress and sat there watching him. He looked hot, his hair an artful mess, his perfect face shining with sweat, there was a little bruise on his neck which I knew would take a while to fade. But he also kind of looked like he was going to cry, which reminded me of when we were kids, and I hated it. And I hated the fact he wouldn’t look at me now, or touch me.

“You look like shit, Stoney,” I said even though it was a lie. He never looked like shit, it was one of the most infuriating things about him. I remembered doing his eyes, messing with his hair before Green River would play, remembered how good it felt when people were like “God, who is _that_ guy?” when I showed them pictures of the two of us. He was _mine._

But he still wouldn’t look at me, was doing up his jeans, rubbing his face, so quiet.

 _“Stone.”_ I said, sharper than I meant to, it just came out. 

“This was a total mistake, Alicia.”

It hit me like a knife out of nowhere. He used to adore me, I swear. 

“Whatever, man. I wouldn’t tie your hair back for a while, by the way.”

He looked in the mirror, his long fingers touching the bruise on his neck. “Fuck.”

“Jesus, lighten up.” I jumped down, pushed past him and left. Outside in the club was so much noise and energy. I remembered being a kid at Monastery, feeling like I wasn’t alone for the first time in forever. So what had happened to that? I was _so_ fucking alone. I wove through the crowd, distracted. Suddenly saw a flash of blonde hair, Andy? No, Andy was somewhere else.

Then my name behind me. “Alicia!”

It was Stone. He grabbed my arm, his touch was so familiar to me. I stared into his stupid, beautiful green eyes, wishing all of a sudden we could just go back a few years. Maybe even longer. 

“What is _wrong_ with you?” he was saying. 

I shook him off roughly. “Don’t follow me Gossard.” 

He wouldn’t stop. “What _is_ this? You _like_ me now? I gotta say, I find that a little hard to believe-“

“I really don’t care.” I was looking round, trying to find an exit.

“Leesh, I was literally in _love_ with you for like ten years, don’t act like you didn’t fucking know. I’m not your goddamn… _toy_ , OK?” I wouldn’t look at him. “I mean Jesus, you _wanted_ me to fuck Sara, didn’t you? And now, what, you’re jealous? You’re pissed off at Jeff? Or did you just need some attention or something…?”

His words hit me like bricks. _Love_. And then, _attention -_ the way he said it like it was a dirty word. 

So, I told all of these lies:

“Stone, you’re just another boring trust-fund brat with a fucking guitar. I don’t need _anything_ from you. Seriously. I mean you look good, but underneath it’s like, not really very much going on there at all.” I was looking right in his eyes, made sure he heard me. “And you kind of know it, which is why you’re so desperate for your band to work out, but really, good luck with _that_.” _Don’t cry_. “You’re an average lay and you’re totally self obsessed, which is probably why Sara _is_ fucking Jeff. Or, she was last time I checked.” His mouth was open, he looked… I don’t know, devastated I guess. I stood my ground for my last shot, tried not to let my voice shake. “So, maybe you should, I don’t know, like, work on your… _personality_.”

I walked away, and he didn’t follow me this time.

The thing is, I know I’m a lot. People have been fucking telling me that all my life. I guess it’s kind of my thing now, I’m OK with it.

But sitting in that taxi home, watching the city trail behind me, alone again… I just wanted to disappear. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stone POV, after the events of chapter 18..  
> \+ TW for addiction/rehab references

##  **Stone**

I didn’t know what to do after that. Just watched her go, a streak of blonde hair, too quick for me. I guess I felt… numb. 

Alicia. A few years back I’d have done anything for that girl. We were friends, we had a lot of history, but the other stuff, like, the sex - I did whatever she wanted, it was all for her. And yeah, I fucking liked it - the way she told me what to do, or the way I could get her so she was begging for me - it drove me crazy, and I loved her like that, none of the front, just her and me. She liked different things, she liked me to be rough with her, which, sometimes I was into it, but a lot of times… it’d just leave me cold. I remember that last time, I stopped it: made her look at me, told her I loved her, _finally_. I needed her to know, I was done pretending I didn’t feel it. And then she let me kiss her,be gentle, hold her after, and it was like - _this is what it’s supposed to be,_ I just wanted that feeling all of the time. I guess I really thought she’d opened up to me. 

But then she just acted like it never happened. She wouldn’t even be alone with me anymore. And about a week later she spent the night all over Regan in front of everyone at the Metropolis, then she went home with him, and I knew it was done. A little after that I fucked Grace, I’m not proud of it, but I knew Alicia would hear about it. I still feel bad about that, I probably always will. Grace is a really good person and I don’t think I am.

So I just wanted to move on, forget. Being in a hyped up band definitely helped out with that. I mean, some of the girls were wild, and I was totally into it once I learned not to care, just to take it for what it was, and I wasn’t like, a jerk about it, I wanted them to enjoy it too. You get kind of jaded though. After I dropped out of college - a totally miserable six weeks at SU, completely to placate my parents - I spent all day working or practising on my days off, then playing shows late at night, getting fucked up, some girl locking in on me and the inevitable, mechanical hookup. I was just so _tired_ all the time. 

_“Stone, I don’t care if you don’t want my life. I don’t even care if you don’t want to go to college. I’ll support you. But you need to be careful, son. This is not an easy way you’ve chosen.”_ My dad, always worrying about my future, about drugs, about something bad happening to me; about how that would look. I always said I was fine and dealing with it.

And then the big shift - Green River into Mother Love Bone. That gave me a boost, I was running on adrenaline from that point on, and it all seemed to happen really fast. Within a year we had a deal, a record. 

Andy kept my feet on the ground. _“Don’t take it all too serious, Stoney Poney, it’s not always that deep, man. You wanna play some ball with me?”_ I loved him for that. So when his problems became more obvious, when we couldn’t even get through a recording session or a goddamn meal without him making some bullshit excuse to go shoot up, I _panicked_. I started to _miss_ him, even when he was in the same room as me. I needed something to keep me up, but we weren’t even supposed to drink around him. Jeff ignored it, said he wasn’t down for drama. I didn’t want to freak out my parents. And I guess my friends, we don’t like to talk about that stuff; it isn’t fun. 

So I was staying up all night writing songs that went nowhere, going to work on a couple hours sleep, trying to keep my eyes on the prize. I could hide it from pretty much anyone except Alicia. I remember being with her outside the OK Hotel after we played one night, both super drunk and talking shit about the band, and somehow it ended up with us kissing, it went right to my heart, I still had that little spot for her in there. But when I tried to talk to her about it she just said it was nothing, and she had this friend she really wanted me to meet, Sara. At the time I didn’t get it, and it kind of pissed me off. Another one of her games. 

But then, _Sara_ …. I guess I didn’t see that coming.

“Dude, where have you been?!” Bruce’s hand on my shoulder, bringing me back. “We thought you split. They want to talk to us about-“

“I’m out.” I didn’t let him finish, I went to go, and Bruce called after me:

“Stone, what the _fuck_ , man?!”

I didn’t care. I didn’t even have my jacket but I was out of there, I was always the fucking brains in that band, I was done. Let Jeff take the wheel. I kept getting this picture in my mind of him and Sara, like really intense, it was not a good image. The cold air outside the Showbox brought me back to life. There was a crowd outside. I heard my name a couple of times, ignored it. The club was near the water but I didnt want to go there because it would just take me back to that night, feeling so messed up about Andy. Sara’s hand in mine, not wanting to give into it; but feeling like I couldn’t stop. She was beautiful, and honest. She _listened_ , and no one had listened to me for a long time. 

The sex with her, it wasn’t like with other people. For me anyway. I don’t know what that was, but even the first time I knew, maybe that’s why I left the way I did. But my usual way was no good, because I wanted her. And when I heard she’d been hanging out with Jeff it got to me. As cliche and fucked up as it sounds, I couldn’t take it. It wasn’t just about me and him, it was about her as well. And that night in her bed, after the fucking scene with Jeff, I wanted to show her how I felt. Maybe I should have been a little more clear, though. Now she’d gone out of town and I had to hear about it through someone else. I hoped she was alright. It mattered to me that she was.

I walked through the night time streets, alone. Alicia told me I looked like shit and I definitely did, there was a bite on my neck, my hair was a mess and my whole body was sticky with sweat, I just wanted to get home and shower while avoiding the third degree from my parents. The deep scratch on my shoulder was stinging against my shirt, I was freezing cold and it was starting to rain. For some reason I was thinking about Andy. He’d laugh if he saw this.

_“Dude, only you could take all the fucking fun out of the walk of shame, lighten the hell up!”_

I could almost hear his voice in my head. I wondered if he was OK, what he was doing. I couldn’t imagine him in rehab. We never talked about serious shit, at all. I wish we had. I remember times he showed up at practise with a black eye, with scratches on his face. He just said it was what he and Xana were, we didn’t say anything. I don’t know why we didn’t.

_“So what are you gonna do when we’re famous?”_

That was when we were in California making the record, sitting on the beach around dawn. He could never sleep and we were rooming together, so we walked down from our motel and sat watching the waves, listening to the seagulls. The sand was soft and cool under my fingers, I remember feeling so good right then, sitting there with him feeling excited about our record, about him being clean and happy. 

_“Buy a lot of guitars.”_

_“A guitar store.”_

_“Then, I’m gonna buy ukuleles.”_

_“Maybe we should do a ukulele album in a few years, I could get into that.”_

_“What are you gonna do?”_

_“Im gonna buy Xana this huge fucking baller mansion. Have kids. I’m gonna be the best dad. I already know.”_

Andy smiling out at the sea, his face at peace. 

I needed to talk to him, needed to know he was alright. There was a pay phone on the corner. I didn’t know if I even still had the card we’d all been given at the intervention, I fumbled in my wallet. It was there. I shoved random coins in the machine, dialled the number on the card It was too late to call, I knew, but I was gonna try.

“Hello, this is the Sunrise Center, how may I direct your call?”

“Um.. I wanted to speak to one of your… patients. Andy, um, Andrew Wood.”

“Sir, it’s eleven thirty, and telephone time finishes at seven.”

“Oh…”

“Is there an emergency?”

I had to smile at that, because - yeah. There was. I missed my best friend so fucking much. I needed him and I didn’t know what to do.

“Uh, no. I guess not.”

“OK, sir, well in that case - you are welcome to leave a message for the patient on our recorded line, and he will receive it at the designated time tomorrow. Would you like to do that?” I think the person on the other line could tell I was flailing. Her voice was a little kinder.

“Sure.”

“OK, let me put you through to that. You said his name is Andrew?”

“Andrew Wood.”

“Thanks. When you hear the tone, you just need to start talking, OK?”

“Thank you.” I put more coins in the machine, my hands shaking a little.

There was a buzz of static, then a long beep. I realised I had no idea what I was gonna say. I was standing on a street in Belltown holding a filthy plastic phone, the freezing rain soaking me, sirens in the distance. What was there to say, except - 

“Um, hey man. I’m sorry I haven’t called before. I’ve been really busy with the, um, band stuff, y’know, it’s going OK, so don’t worry about that. And I hope, um… you’re doing OK over there.” An ambulance screamed past. “You’re gonna laugh because I’m calling you from one of those skeezy pay phones on the street, it’s eleven thirty at night and I’m standing in the rain trying not to get hustled. So if you don’t hear from me again, uh…” 

I broke off, not sure why I was trying to make a joke, why I always fucking do that. 

“So anyway, um.. I just wanted to say - I miss you.” I felt this weird clutch in my throat when I said it, swallowed hard. “I miss you dude. We all miss you. They’re talking about this tour next year, I guess it’s exciting, I really want to talk to you about it. And I wish you were around. Jeff is, like…” I exhaled in frustration. “Well, never mind. I - I think it’s great you’re getting this help, I really do. Um.” 

I paused, I don’t know for how long. This heavy feeling in me. If something happened to him - no, not _that,_ but if it didn’t work out - where did I go? Which way did I choose, then?

“I just… I feel like I keep messing up, um- and I need you right now, to tell me to like, lighten up, or- I don’t know. Just. Tell me everything’s gonna be OK.” Fuck, I was crying now. Was I really _crying_ on the street, talking to a fucking machine? “Just tell me it’s gonna be OK, because…” 

There was suddenly a dull tone on the line and I realised I had run out of time. The receiver buzzed until I put it back down, wiping my face. 

When I finally found a sketchy taxi with a half-broken light, the driver watched me in his mirror all the way back. My shirt was wet through, sticking to me, I kept biting on my lip where she’d hurt it earlier, tasting blood. 

When I got home all the lights were off. I peeled off my clothes and got into bed, shivering. Thinking about Sara - the warmth of her skin, the taste of her, the way she looked at me. I knew if she found out about Alicia and me, she’d never look at me like that again. Then, thinking about Andy on the beach, the sun on his face. Words I couldn’t forget. _“You just gotta know what you want. Then you can go get it. It’s not complicated.”_

I didn’t sleep at all.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Back with Sara now. This chapter harks back a little to chapter 4 (MLB show at the OZ)

## Sara, Cleveland

It was like nothing had changed the whole time I’d been gone. The glitter of the city on the Lake, giving way to the same old run-down neighborhoods where I’d grown up, murky paint flaking off clapboard houses set back from the road, ours looking just like everyone else’s - except for the overflowing trash can outside and the neglect of Mom’s attempt at a garden. It was that which got me as we pulled up to the drive; she had always persevered with that thing, dutifully watering the flowers she planted at the wrong times of year, pulling dead leaves randomly off stalks. It never flourished, but she did her best. And now all that was left was brown, parched stalks in cracked flowerpots.

“What happened to the garden?” I asked, grabbing my small suitcase out of the back seat, noticing Mom’s hunched demeanour as we walked up to the front door.

“Oh, you know honey. Just, with Dad and everything…”

She broke off, fumbled the keys in the lock. I didn’t reply.

Walking into the house, it was dark and stuffy, the orange patterned curtains still pulled closed. The air was stale and smelled of old food and something medicinal. The old, boxy TV in the corner was on mute, playing the news. Same old beige carpet with the obvious stain where Dad threw up drunk one year, Mom could never get the stain out no matter how hard she tried. Like always, the framed painting on the wall over the fireplace - an idyllic scene of snow-covered fields, a homely farmhouse perched in the middle - gave me a deep pang of irritation. When I was a kid I wanted my life to be like that painting, that house. I never felt safe or cosy here, it had been the scene of too much.

I dumped my bag and went through to the kitchen, noticing the dishes in the sink with dried-on food, the way the tap dripped incessantly. Why hadn’t they ever bothered to get it fixed? Through the window I could see out into the barren backyard, the ground hard with frost, and beyond that the neighbors’ houses with their swing sets and barbecues. I started to fill the sink with hot water, squeezing out the last vestiges of dish soap in the bottle.

“You don’t have to do that-“

“I got it, Mom. Go sit down.”

I glanced to see if there was any coffee, but the tin where it was usually kept was empty, lid off. I busied myself washing all the plates, scalding my hands in the water, rubbing extra hard to get off the debris. Mom sat at the kitchen table, watching me. She seemed nervous or something.

“I thought we’d go to the hospital when you’ve had a chance to settle.”

I swallowed. “Sure.”

“I just want to say again how sorry I am about calling Logan. I should have looked you up, or… I guess I thought if something had happened between you two, I might have heard.”

“It’s OK.”

“He give you any more trouble, I’m calling his father.”

Logan’s father was a Sheriff in a neighbouring town. To be honest, I suspected a lot of his pent-up rage and aggression was straight from the old man, but I didnt say anything about that.

“Yeah, I already said that to him.”

“You haven’t said a lot about your life in Seattle.”

“It’s OK. I just work at like a thrift store. Share an apartment with this girl, she’s a student. It’s not much, but-“ I smiled suddenly, thinking of it,”there’s blue geraniums growing right outside. I think that’s why I picked it. You’d love them.”

“That’d be something to see,” Mom said, with a faint smile. Blue was her favorite colour, and geraniums her favourite flower. I realised I hadn’t even thought of that before now. It really was the reason why I picked the apartment.

“You made many friends?”

I nodded. I knew she was worried- i’d always been so shy and found it hard to make friends back home. No wonder I’d been such easy prey for Logan.

“A few. You’d like them. It’s a kind of big arty scene, a lot of music and stuff.”

“In Seattle?” She sounded pretty surprised. “Thought it was all just computers. Y’know they have that Microsoft thing up there. Seems like it’s taking off a little. Can you imagine, back when I was a secretary we did everything by hand, typewriters.”

“Yeah, I don’t know much about that. Me and my friends mostly just hang out, go to shows and stuff.” I realised how far my little Seattle bubble was from anything my mom could understand. There was an awkward silence between us. I hoped she didnt ask about boys - and she didn’t. I was trying concertedly not to think of Stone or Jeff at all.

“So - how is he?”

My words hung in the air between us for a long time. Mom sighed, picked at the tablecloth.

“Not good, honey. They think it’ll be, um…” Her voice broke on a sob, and I turned to her, the tap still running. I felt the panic rising up in me, as familiar as breathing. I’d been watching her cry all my fucking life and it still killed me. She was holding her head in her hands, she had so many more greys than before. I went over to her and knelt by her chair, she held me close. She always smelled the same.

“Oh, Sara. They think it’s probably going to be this week.” She sniffed loudly, fumbled in her pocket for a Kleenex from an almost empty packet and blew her nose, wiped her eyes. “It just happened so _fast_. He only got diagnosed, what, six weeks ago? They said they’d do what they could, but - it didn’t take. It’s his lungs, of course. Didn’t I always say to him-“ She started up again and I squeezed around her thick waist, burying my face in her bobbled sweater. Dad had too many vices: drink, cigarettes, women, rage. She’d always stuck by him and wanted to fix him.

“It’s gonna be OK, Mom.”

We stayed there a while, eventually the light patter of rain sounding against the kitchen window. It reminded me of waking up in my room in Seattle, where the rain never seemed to end. And that just made me think about Stone…..

I got up abruptly, went and turned off the tap, put away the clean dishes. Then I dug in the cupboard for an old box of tea and made Mom a cup using water boiled on the stove. I went around the living room tidying up, drawing open the curtains and letting in the pale winter sunlight, which made me notice the film of dust that seemed to cover everything. I was too emotionally exhausted to deal with that right now; I told Mom I needed to go freshen up, and went into my old room. It was as empty as I’d left it; I’d pretty much taken every poster off the wall and shoved them in the trash, wanting to leave that me behind, packed all my belongings in the car for Seattle.

I lay down on the thin comforter and closed my eyes. There he was again, Stone. I had a random memory of him kissing me up against the wall at the OZ, the intoxicating fact that that of all the girls in this whole place, he had picked me. The way he looked at me after, his luminous green eyes shining with intensity.

I felt a pang at the memories, wishing that it hadn’t all got so complicated. I still didn’t understand why he had acted the way he did after we slept together. The way he’d just dismissed me several times, then what had happened at the Soundgarden show- God, it still made me shiver, remembering how hard he made me come. And then, nothing again - until he completely opened up to me after Alicia’s party, then the way he’d been with me that night - so intimate, it was definitely more than just sex - and he’d told me he had feelings for me, which he clearly meant, because he’d said it again on the phone the other night. 

_What the actual fuck?_

The guy was clearly really messed up about his friend, and I didnt blame him at all for that- what he was going through was so awful, the gulf between wanting his band to succeed and wanting his friend to be OK - _“I don’t want him to die”_ , he’d said. And yet, I hated that he had messed me around. It was no wonder that someone as sweet and open as Jeff (not to mention completely gorgeous) had made my head turn. And Stone had the absolute nerve to be pissed off about that?

I gripped the thin pillow in my fists, feeling so confused and angry about it all. And yet I was still thinking about him. About his stupid dry remarks, his constant fidgeting, how he came alive on stage, how he seemed to completely change when he cared about something. And that something was apparently me, too.

I thought back to that night when we left the show at the OZ, trying to find a bus going to East Queen Anne, which Stone completely didn’t get as he claimed all the buses in Seattle were super sketchy and he didnt want to catch some kind of rare disease.

“I feel like it’d be kind of awkward to pull Jeff out and tell him to drive us back though…”

And I laughed- God, at that point it was before I knew Jeff at all - and said, “So you guys all just drive around in the Mother Love Bone van like, what, Mystery Incorporated or something?”

“Yeah, but I’m Daphne. Only in the most macho way obviously.”

“Daphne wishes she had your hair.”

“I’m just gonna cut it off, like, right before we go on tour, Andy’s gonna cry so hard.”

I impulsively played with a strand of his wavy brown hair. “Nooooo!”

“OK, I won’t.”

“Good.”

We kissed on the street, one of those things you don’t care about at all when you’re drunk.

“Yet,” he clarified.

A random bus pulled up. “OK, let’s just get on this one.”

“Stone, you don’t even know where this bus is-“ He’d already pulled me on it and I giggled, whatever. “OK, but if we end up in like, Vancouver, it’s on you.”

“Well I’m pretty sure they’re not just gonna let us skip border control, so..”

The bus driver glared at us, he was an old, tubby white guy wearing a King County Transport baseball cap and blowing his nose loudly into a filthy hanky. “Seventy-five cents each.”

“I mean, that’s a pretty awkward amount,” Stone said to him, fumbling around in his pocket and producing a random assortment of things including change, a crumpled Mudhoney gig flyer, a loose piece of gum and different color plectrums.

I elbowed him - “ _Stone!_ ” - sensing that this bus driver would not really get his sense of humor. I checked my own pockets and we compared coins, we seemed to have an insane amount of nickels and dimes.

“OK, so seventy five times two is..”he muttered, and I giggled, saying quietly, “That private school education working out for you there?” And he chuckled, shook his head, saying “definitely” as he counted out coins in his other hand. 

The bus driver sighed too loudly. “Today would be nice,” he said disapprovingly.

“Sarcastic bus driver, _excellent_ ,” Stone whispered loudly to me and I tutted, grabbed the coins out of his hand, tried my best in my drunken state to make one-fifty, and slammed them into the coin rest next to the driver who looked even more pissed off than before.

“Thank you!” I said, brightly, and dragged Stone into a seat. There were just a couple of other people on the bus, looking like workers coming off shifts. I peered at the bus map stuck up above the door but I didn’t recognise any of the places. What a crazy night this was turning out to be. I realised Stone was looking at me, and I glanced at him, blushing slightly.

“What?”

His green eyes flickered and he kissed me, lingeringly, his hand tangling in my hair, pulling me closer. I was kind of aware of the other people on the bus but I was also didnt care enough to stop, he was so fucking hot.

“OK, stop,” I said breathlessly when we broke away, aware of my heart racing. However, that only encouraged him to do it again. I was so full of anticipation, to be honest I would’ve done it with him right there on the bus. He totally knew it as well, he knew how sexy he was, it was obvious from the teasing way he kissed me, leaving me just wanting more, or the way he laughed un self consciously when I extracted myself, blushing furiously, saying- “We are gonna get kicked off this bus!”

“Pioneer Square” called the driver irritably, and I looked up.

“Wait, that’s totally the wrong way.”

The bus doors opened and I pulled him by the hand. We were on a tree-lined street, I looked around totally lost. 

“Um, so….” I began, not really knowing what to do next.

“Is this some kind of like, foreplay kinda thing you do? Like a tension- building kinda thing, or…”

I kissed him to shut him up, felt him pull me close, as he added- “Cause it’s definitely working.”

“Hold that thought.” I checked out the numbers on the bus stop. “Uh, I guess we probably need to cross the street, or…” He pulled me in to kiss me again and I melted. “Or you could just.. do that…”

A passing car sounded its horn at us and we both laughed. If we ever made it to my apartment, neither of us were gonna last long at this rate. Thinking that made me blush and I shook my head to try and focus.

“ _Stone_ , help me out here, you’re the native Seattle-ite!”

“I think I left my last brain cell back at the OZ on Alice in Chains’ rider, sorry.”

I caught sight of a bus coming in the right direction and dragged him across the street, checked the route map quickly. “OK. This’ll work.”

“Wait, do we even have one-fifty anymore?”

“ _Fuck!_ ” 

We both compared change again. We had one forty five; what the hell was this night coming to? All I wanted to do was get this boy in my bed, was this some kind of punishment from God?! The bus doors hissed open and we got on to be confronted with another unimpressed looking bus driver, this one a little younger with an impressive five o clock shadow and what appeared to be a tattoo on his neck peeking out from under the collar of his blue shirt.

“One-fifty,” he said, bored, glancing out of his window.

“Um, we only have one forty five,” I said nervously. The guy rolled his eyes.

“Sorry, kid.”

“He’s in a band!” I said with a flash of inspiration, pulling Stone forward. Stone looked at me quickly and I tried not to laugh, there was no way I would do this if I was sober. “Um, he’s in like, a really cool band. He plays guitar. They’re definitely gonna be famous. So-“

The bus driver barked an incredulous laugh. “Oh yeah? Funny, kid. One fifty for both of you or you’re walkin’.”

“I mean, it’s true, we just made a record with Universal,” Stone said, totally deadpan. And at the time, I didnt even know that that was true, so I cracked up - and the bus driver looked at me, then Stone.

“That so?”he said, sounding unconvinced.

“He’ll sing you a song!” I said with a flash of inspiration. “Stone, sing one of your songs.”

Stone stared at me, I raised my eyebrows like- _come on!_

The driver hooted with laughter. “You know any Sabbath?”he chortled.

“Never Say Die, or Heaven and Hell?” Stone said at once.

“Smart kid.”

Stone was trying really hard not to laugh. ”I mean it’s a little out of my range, but I’m really trying to impress a girl here, so…”

The bus driver grinned and I could tell we had him. “I feel that, man.”

“Give him one of your plectrums!” I muttered, and shaking his head with a smile, Stone got one out and placed it in the coin dish along with our motley assortment of coins.

“He’s gonna be famous,” I said to the driver emphatically. “You can, like, auction that in ten years. For a lot of money. A _lot_ more than one fifty.”

He was still smiling, though. “Fucking kids. Alright then. What’s your name, dude?”

“Stone Gossard.”

“Write it on there.” The driver produced a Sharpie from under the dash. Stone was obviously very amused and a little embarrassed by all this, but he took the Sharpie and printed his name in tiny letters on the little plastic pick.

“Stone.” The driver shoved the plectrum in his pocket, shaking his head, dropped the coins in the box. “What the fuck kind of a name, goddamn hippies,” he was muttering to himself, as we made our way onto the bus.

“Wait, would you have sung to that guy?” I said teasingly, and Stone raked a hand through his messy hair, shaking his head with a grin.

“I’ll get you back,” he said thrillingly, and I felt the anticipation rise in me again. Thankfully, it was a pretty short bus journey….

Back to reality. 

The sound of Mom calling for me pulled me out of my daydream. I opened my eyes, looked around at the room with its peeling cloud wallpaper, the same since I was a little kid.

“Sara, shall we go?”

“OK.”

I pulled myself up heavily, trying not to remember how much I’d laughed that night, how cute he was when flustered, the way I wanted to slap him and kiss him all at the same time. And then what happened after… the way he made me lose control, the feeling of his mouth and hands and body on me. I’d never be able to forget that.

I went to the bathroom, washed my face with cold water and noticed the cluster of medicine bottles crowding the vanity, with Dad’s name on. I still couldnt quite believe he was this sick, he’d been a looming figure of torment my whole life. We drove to the hospital in silence, my nails digging into my palm. There was some old country song playing on the radio, it reminded me of driving in the car with Jeff that time. His amazing smile.

When we got there, Dad was asleep. He looked so thin, almost unrecognisable, hooked up to machines. Mom set about making him comfortable but I just sat there in the chair by his bedside, listening to the beep of the monitor. All my fleeting good memories of him tied up with the many awful ones. When I was a kid he was the dad everyone loved, he looked a little like Tom Selleck, his laugh booming and infectious. He taught me how to play baseball, made me origami animals. But when he was drinking or going through a bad patch, he’d tear up the house, scream at us. And for the first time in my life I was starting to understand how it had infected every part of me, made me unsure of what I wanted, attracted to charisma and danger. 

Was that what I liked about Stone? He had such a strong effect on me, but he didnt feel like a safe option. Jeff on the other hand, unlike any guy I had ever known, was so safe, he knew what he wanted and he wasn’t afraid to say it. He was gorgeous and I was really attracted to him, but he wasn’t messed up about sex, he wanted to cuddle after and he cared if I was OK. That was kind of progress for me - a functional relationship.

Of course, on the plane over here I had sworn to myself I would make this right, even if it meant neither of those guys. And the fact was, Alicia clearly had liked Jeff, so seeing him might just make things even more awkward with her.

Bigger than all of this, though, was the fact of the biggest figure in my whole life, fading away in front of me. I didnt feel like crying, but I felt kind of like screaming out loud. I both did and didnt want him to wake up.

I was sitting there for a long time. Eventually I looked over at Mom who was reading quietly in another chair. 

“I’m gonna go find some coffee, OK?” She nodded reassuringly and I got up, left the claustrophobic little room. 

The hallways were busy, it was a sad and disturbing place to be and I wandered through the corridor, ending up at a little side room with telephones in little booths. I looked in my pocket for change - trying not to think again of the bus with Stone - and found I had a few dollars worth. I picked up the phone and dialled the one person I could think of who might understand.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Meggy.”

“Sara, that you?”

“Yeah.”

“Gracie told me about your dad. I’m so _sorry,_ hon.”

I closed my eyes, the warmth in her voice exactly what I needed. “ _Fuck_ , man. I’m at the hospital right now, and it… it feels like a dream or something. I mean, I don’t even think he was like, a good dad. But I just….”

“I get it, dude. It’s a weird fucking thing. I mean - I was eleven, I cried about everything, I used to cry at the goddamn Care Bears, but when my dad died I just, I couldn’t cry at all. My big brother told me, it’s OK to not cry, it’s OK to feel mad, even. Or however you’re feeling.”

I never heard Meg talk like this before, she was always so bright and breezy. I knew her dad died, but she didn’t do serious. I was so grateful for her right now. I exhaled, feeling tears in my eyes.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Have you been able to talk to him, or…?”

“No, he’s just sleeping.”

“You gonna be OK?”

“Yeah. Just, tell me something funny. I really need it.”

She chuckled at the other end. “Uhhhh— well, Chris called me from England. He said they’re having fun, they played some show at a college in London and the stage literally fell apart. With them on it.”

“What?!” I giggled though my tears.

“For real. A ton of kids just got on stage and the thing collapsed. Everyone’s fine, he just said British people are fucking nuts.”

Meg and Chris Cornell weirdly used to work together at a restaurant a couple of years back. He was such a kind of big deal now in Seattle, but she didn’t name drop or whatever, they seemed to have a cute friendship.

“He says he’s doing his Christmas thing this year again, so… I don’t know if you’re gonna want to be with your mom though this year, or-“she tailed off.

“I don’t know,”I said honestly. The thought of being surrounded by all those guys - the drama potential - was too much right now. “I hope so.”

“Alicia just called me about this thing at the Showbox in a few days. Stone and Jeff are checking out some bands for their next support. You know Nirvana? Everyone keeps talking about them. Apparently they’re kinda cute.”

“The most important thing, clearly.”

She giggled. “Well, you’ll be missed. Those guys take it all so fucking seriously right now.”

“I’m sure Alicia will love it,” I said, wondering if she would try it on with Jeff.

“You guys talked at all?”

“Uh, we bumped into each other the other day, but not really.”

“She’s such a bitch sometimes. Just rise above it.”

“Stone called me the other night,” I said then, needing to tell someone. I didnt know how she would react.

“Really? He’s been out of town, right?”

“Yeah, he called me from the mountains. He, um- well, he kind of said he wanted to see me again.”

Meg sighed on the other end. “Man, you gotta figure this out because I saw Jeff today in town and he was asking about you. I think he likes you a lot.”

I nodded. “I know. It’s kind of a mess. I don’t really know what I was thinking.”

“You want my advice, Jeff’s a really nice guy.”

I closed my eyes, thinking about his hugs and the way he’d looked after me the other night. I couldn’t forget that either. “Yeah, he is. Hey – I should go. Thanks. For… being so nice.”

“Call me anytime you want. I get it, OK?”

I hung up, thinking maybe things in Seattle would somehow be OK after all. It wasn’t like they could get any worse, right?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is from Sara’s friend Meg’s POV, 1985-87. + shameless Chris Cornell love!

##  **Meg, 1985-1987**

_Keep having fun, kid._ That’s what my brother Conor always said to me, last thing before he hung up. When I was fourteen, fifteen, that phone call was the highlight of my whole week. After Dad died, when middle school was a nightmare - when getting spat at in the fucking hallway was a day to day thing for me - and even after I changed schools, when I was getting crushed under the pressure at Northwest, about to lose my scholarship, on track for Ds where I was getting As. When I was so lonely I felt like I might disappear, when Mom couldn’t pay the electric on time and we had to carry a flashlight everywhere. Conor’s voice on the line was like, all I had going on. When he went up to Canada, I thought I was gonna die.

I remember standing out there on the drive by his old busted up truck, saying- “You can’t leave. You can’t just leave me here”. And he hugged me so tight - the way his flannel smelled like Tide and cigarettes and warmth. And he just said, “Always here for you, kid.” Then he loaded up the last of his shit and drove as far north as he could to get away from our little, sad house.

I needed to make some friends. It wasn’t easy; I kinda stuck out at Northwest, I felt like I was walking around with “charity case” on my forehead. And I didn’t really like Alicia when I first knew her, I thought she was snotty, or like, Hair Metal Barbie. And she always had some punky looking boy dragging along behind her like a lost puppy. But I guess we started hanging out around that time because we were the only girls with Crue posters tacked in our lockers - and despite best efforts, I kind of fell for her, Gracey too. A lot of the kids at our school were super preppy, into sports, that football kinda crowd. And those girls just wanted to party, to go out and find good music, dance, kiss boys, have _fun._ And they took me along for the ride, which kind of meant a lot to me, because I was always like, that kid with the free ride. The redhead with the big mouth. I mean, that’s accurate, but - I just felt like I found my people. 

And we were getting big into music. We liked it loud, we loved how they looked - those guys and girls covered in metal and leather, giving no fucks. We had a little phase chasing some bottom tier bands around Washington, none of them got famous, before you ask. My finest groupie hour was giving my first ever blowjob to a roadie for Warrant’s second support act, while listening to Grace vomit in the adjacent bathroom stall. Glamor, right? It got old a little quickly - and then we started noticing what was going on around us, right there in Seattle. Alicia persuaded this little reporter to come to her house party and, I guess, the rest is history. 

But unlike those kids, I needed a fucking job. I got one as soon as I was sixteen. Ray’s Boathouse, a fancy place just a little north of the city. I was sick of guiltily asking my mom for money, or for just pretending to the girls I was too tired to go out. I was given the prime task of washing dishes; I pretty much blagged my way into the job, and I think it helped that the guy interviewing me was a total skeeze, I mean, what can you do about that? 

I rocked up there on my first day, the Saturday lunchtime shift, wearing this low cut blouse, tight skirt. And they sent me straight through the kitchen, which was stinking of fish, clouded with steam, just carnage - yelling, cursing, all different languages. All these guys checking me out so obviously, like _who the fuck is this_? And this tall guy standing at the sink, they yell over: “Hey Chris! Fresh blood!” 

And he turns round, he’s got like a hairnet on over what looks like a lot of fucking hair, and these _eyes,_ it’s just like: Woah. Hi. 

And that was how I met Chris.

“You ever washed a dish before?”

I stared at him, I mean, I have a _lot_ of front, but he kind of had me a little speechless. I mean, ask anyone who met Chris, they’ll get it. And I knew he was teasing, I didn’t want to seem like some kind of idiot, but I was like: 

“Um, yeah, I have a lot of, um, dish washing experience.” 

He laughed, and I blushed so bad. God, I was so lame. Part of me just wanted to run out of there. I was the only girl - the only pair of boobs - and I had to work with the most beautiful guy I’d ever seen in real life? 

But I needed the damn money. So I said, “Let me show you how it’s done”, and took the fucking plate out of his hand and washed it furiously til it shone. That was lame too, but it made him laugh- _with_ me, not at me, this time. 

“Not bad. What’s your name?”

“Meg.”

“I’m Chris. Now let’s see you do that again, but like, fifty times in the next ten minutes.”

That first day, he came out when I was on my break and offered me a cigarette. I almost never smoked, but I took it.

“You Irish?” he said, as we sat on the step out back. There was a basketball hoop tacked up on the rear wall of the place, and beyond that, the docks where they unloaded the fish. It stank, and I didnt think I’d ever get used to it; but there are worse things than having a super hot co-worker when you’re that age and horny as all hell.

“Yeah,” I said.”What gave it away?”

And then he picked up a strand of my red hair that had come loose from my ponytail and flicked it, his blue eyes glittering. I giggled, saw his gorgeous lips twitch with a cute smile. I mean, it was kind of crossing the line; we literally just met. But I think he was testing me out. 

“Me too. From Northgate,” he added. I nodded, it wasn’t too far from our house. “You in high school?”

“Yeah,” I said kind of reluctantly. “But I go to school in the city.” He raised his eyebrows, like was surprised. _Gee, thanks._ “I’m on, like, a scholarship program?” I added, feeling a little self conscious.

“Get outta here.”

I grinned, blushing slightly.

“No, for real. Get outta here, you’re way too smart to be here. I didn’t even get my fucking diploma,” he said, taking a long drag of his cigarette.

“Yeah, well, I need this job. We’re living in a material world and I am a material girl,” I said dryly, and he grinned. Which felt _awesome._

“OK. I can get that. Well, the money sucks, the boss is generally stoned, and we play a hell of a lot of Journey, but seems like you’re pretty, uh, skilled in the art of dishwashing, so.. welcome. Oh, you speak any French?”

I looked sideways at him and he raised an eyebrow.” _Putain de merde_. You’re gonna hear that a lot. We have a few angry French guys. Don’t sweat it, just call ‘em an _enculé_ , they’ll get the picture pretty quick.”

“Sure I will,” I said, flicking my cigarette and rolling my eyes with a smile. He kind of reminded me of Conor or his friends, thinking he was funny. Pretty guy, but North Seattle is North Seattle. “Nice hairnet by the way.”

“Gotta protect the goods,” he said.

“So how long’ve you worked here?”

“Um, couple of years now. Kind of hoping to get out soon. I got this band thing going…”

“That’s pretty cool!” I think I cut in a little too quick, as he looked amused.

“You think? I mean, we kind of suck right now, I’m like a dollar store Phil Collins, the dreaded singing drummer. But we can’t really find anyone else who wants to play with us right now, so what can you do.”

“I mean yeah, I feel like Phil’s going through that right now too,” I said, trying to get a smile out of him again. He raised an eyebrow, I guess he didn’t expect me to get the Genesis reference. I know my damn music, my dad lived for that band.

“Guy needs to get back to his boys, get on the damn road again,” he remarked.

“Skipping out Seattle, though.” 

“Right? Like every fucking band in America…” 

“Yeah, like it only rains 9 out of 12 months, I don’t get why no one wants to come here,” I said, watching him stub his cigarette out, and doing the same quickly.

“Maybe I need to start getting a little naked on stage, you think? Entice the crowds?” He winked at me. 

I _liked_ him. Right from that first day. Because aside from being gorgeous, he was just a good fucking guy. He was funny, everybody liked him. He used to leave jars of sauce out in the sun all night and day and then bring them to the managers’ taste test, play totally dumb. One day he hid all the dessert spoons and the pastry guy JP went into full French freakout mode, I caught Chris’ naughty little wink at me as I tried not to laugh while JP raged around the kitchen spluttering, _“Putain! Toutes les putain de cuillieres, merde!!”_

He let me turn up the radio and sing along to Whitney when we were working the early or late shift, sometimes I’d catch him watching me jam, which was the biggest thrill of my sixteen, seventeen year old life. Actually, one time he did sing along to “How Will I Know” - I can pretty much still see that vividly, the way he knew all the words and casually hit all those fucking notes while flawlessly speed-chopping vegetables, and took a little bow at the end to my giddy applause. When he’d sing along with stuff, even quietly, everyone would stop and listen. One time “Billie Jean” was playing and he started singing. I had my hands wrist deep in filthy grey water and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I never heard a voice like that before. Honestly, I still haven’t. When he finished, JP yelled “ _Bravo!_ ”, someone else, “ _Bacano!_ ” And I smiled so wide, because it’s just pretty fucking cool when you know someone that talented. You know? 

That night, New Wave night at the Metropolis, I cornered Stone and asked him if he knew a band called Soundgarden, a tall guy called Chris Cornell. His eyes kind of lit up. OK, so that was a good sign.

“Yeah, Soundgarden? We saw them at the Rainbow a couple weeks ago. Sub Pop are all over it already. Chris is…” He grinned, and it made me feel really happy for Chris to know he had such a great reputation already. “Pretty intense. So great. I think Mark is a little insecure about it.” 

I never really knew with Stone If he was joking or not, and I couldn’t really imagine Mark Arm being insecure about anything, so I ignored that. “I work with him at Ray’s. I just heard him sing along to the radio, it was like - woah.”

“Yeah, we see him around a little bit. Sometimes share rehearsal space or whatever.” He looked at me a little harder. That boy always was one or two steps ahead. “So, you like him, or…?”

“ _No!_ ” I said immediately. Stone laughed, and I felt kind of dumb, which isn’t really my thing, so I said abruptly, tone pretty fucking loaded: “So. Alicia let you off the leash tonight, huh?”

He looked at me coolly. “You too, looks like.”

I wasn’t gonna let up. “So are you guys, like-“

Just then, Grace appeared, her curls all around her face, breathing hard. “Meg, dance with me!”

They were playing “You Spin Me Round”, that catchy new wave song, Stone grimaced - what a _snob_ \- but I couldn’t say no, let her pull me onto the dance floor and dance crazy. We were yelling the chorus at each other while spinning appropriately, when - as if I’d summoned him myself - I saw Chris off in a corner, standing with a couple of guys I didn’t know. Then Grace twirled me again and I lost sight of him, the juddering beat of the song sending us crazy. Of course, I hoped he was looking, and I was pretty glad I fixed my hair that night, wore something cute. The next song was some Eurythmics, a little more chill, and we hung on the edge of the dance floor to catch our breath. 

Just as the singer was breathing “ _Must be talking to an angel_ ”, Chris appeared as if on cue, the most beautiful person in the whole room, and said, “Well, hi” close to my ear, and my heart kinda fell through my chest. 

“ _Oh!_ _Hi!_ ”

He gave that dazzling wide smile, I melted. Grace stared at him. 

“Hi I’m Grace,” she said at once, a little babbly. “I, um- I remember you from Alicia’s party. Um, I mean the Green River show. That was our idea by the way.” 

I cracked up, brushed back her hair and said quietly, “be cool, honey”, and even in the flashing lights you could see her blush. 

“Sure, I remember you,” Chris said with a smile. “I’m Chris, I work with your friend here. Kinda moonlight as a chef, but I sing in a band called Soundgarden.” Grace was smiling so big, I don’t think she was hearing anything he was saying at all. So this was the effect Chris had on women, huh? There was an awkward pause, then he said- “I guess I gotta thank you guys, that show was the first time I got to meet Bruce. He got his buddy Jon to come see us the other week and I think they want to help us out, which is-“

“Uh, Chris, this is a dance floor, not a damn Rolling Stone interview,” I cut in, trying to let my bravado overtake the way I felt self conscious around him, self-conscious is _not_ my fucking trip. You gotta ride that shit out. “So are you dancing?”

“Uh, I’m really just here for the happy hour,” he said, fidgeting with his beer.

“No fucking _way,_ man!” Luckily the next song was a poppy Depeche Mode thing and, my heart totally in my mouth, I prised the beer from his hands (he let me, looking amused) and handed it to Grace. “Gracey, hold his beer.” 

And I pulled him with both hands onto the dance floor. He was tall, lanky, and super awkward, but he could move. I never laughed so hard as I did that night with him. And seeing Stone, standing by the bar watching me groove with his man-crush Chris, that just made it all the better. The fact that Grace totally gave me the cold shoulder was even worth it; although she warmed up when Chris introduced us to his bandmates Hiro and Kim, who were fucking hilarious, so different to all the stiffs we knew from school and stuff. We all ended up so wasted, tearing up that floor all night. They knew all the songs. I found out later that their own stuff was pretty heavy - but they loved all that electro pop shit, trust me.

I kind of knew nothing was gonna happen with Chris- it would’ve been too weird at work - but our semi-flirting seemed to translate, and it was just a nice goddamn break from all the Green River talk. Those boys were getting egos the size of barns at that point. Especially Stevey Turner, who I never hit it off with at all. He made it pretty clear he thought I was too loud, too white trash. I remember one night we were at Alicia’s house getting high, listening to the new Hanoi Rocks record, and they were all talking about like, Europe. Places they’d been, rich kid shit. I was smiling because Gracey was so cute about her trip to Paris last year, she never stopped talking about that and she was on and on, the most cultured little stoner in the Pacific Northwest. And Steve turned to me, like: “That’s in France, by the way.”

I felt myself blush really hard. Excused myself to the bathroom and I remember I like leaned on the sink, staring in the mirror, knowing I didnt belong here. And knowing I wasn’t ever gonna be like them. And that whatever I wanted to do, wherever I wanted to go, it was gonna be that much harder. Kids like me don’t make it, really. 

I guess that’s why I got Chris. I was rooting for him. Sometimes when the kitchen staff were closing up and getting drunk, doing a few lines, we’d talk about our families. We were from pretty similar backgrounds: Irish Catholic, lots of relations including of the crazy variety, not enough food on the table or attention to go round. We were both those kids with the holes in our shoes; not any more, but maybe once you’re that kid, you always are a little bit. 

I remember the last Christmas shift we worked together, it was ‘86. We were both pulling doubles, on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Just working straight through it. No one else really wanted those shifts so we had a lot of temps, our usual guys were home celebrating. I wound a little green tinsel in my hair, brought Chris a shitty cheap Santa hat I picked up at the dollar store, it perched on top of his curly head in the funniest way. We were just peeling potatoes non stop, mountains of fucking potatoes. Listening to Bowie and Bing singing “Little Drummer Boy” too many times on the radio. 

“So how did the two Irish Catholic kids end up working the holidays?” I said after a while. I wanted to see him smile. He was kinda quieter than usual; the gloomiest Santa in Seattle. He chuckled grimly, stirred his huge vat of gravy on the industrial stove. 

“Actually my mom’s Jewish, so I’m a holiday mutt.”

“No way. Well, happy Chris-mukkah, dude.”

“That’s cute.”

“So you just hate family Christmas as much as me, or…?” 

Sometimes I think you just come right out and say the unsayable thing, and it somehow makes it a little bit more OK.

He shrugged. “Well, if you like drink-fuelled confrontation and heavy guilt trips it’s a blast, but… I’m good here.”

I nodded. “My mom won’t do Christmas anymore. Not since my dad passed.”

He glanced at me, his eyes flickered with something kinda soft. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s OK. I just kinda hate the holidays.”

“Well, join the club. I even got Andy Wood crashing at mine right now. Guess he’s a Christmas refugee too.”

I liked Andy. He was fun and silly. But that wasn’t all of him. For some reason, it didn’t surprise me he was spending Christmas on Chris’s couch. But I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t my business.

Chris took a spoon and gave me a taste of the gravy, i nodded in approval. “Perfect.”

Ave Maria started playing on the radio. Outside, you could just make out the snow falling through the steamed-up windows. Most of the Christmas temps were absorbed in their tasks. “This song reminds me of Mass,” I said, chuckling. “My dad made us go every Christmas Day. Never, like, any other day of the year, obviously.”

“St Matthews?”he asked.

“Uhhh.. yeah, actually. You too?”

He smiled. The sexiest Santa you ever saw. “Pretty much every year til I was fourteen.”

“Get out. I’d remember you.”

“Yeah, how’s that?”

“There were no hot guys at St Matthews.” I think I’d snuck a little too much mulled wine from the bar if I was saying shit like that, jeez. 

He winked at me. “Full of Christmas cheer today, huh?”

I blushed, threw my potato skins into the food bin. “I’m seventeen and horny.” That made him crack up. He took his gravy off the stove. There was a semi awkward pause, and then he started quietly singing along to Ave Maria. I took it as my cue to go find something else to do. Started scrubbing all the counter tops til they gleamed. _One fucking Christmas kiss, was that so much to ask_? The song finished, some awful holiday themed ads blared out of the radio, Chris scowled and flicked it off. 

“Snow’s really coming down,” I said, thinking about how my new old car was gonna handle it. I went to the door and held it a little open, one of the temps glaring at me for letting in the freezing air, which I totally ignored. The clean cold air felt like what I needed right then: refreshing, real, but still making everything look kinda magical. Even the usual fishy smell out there was neutralised. I looked out over the water, thinking about my dad. Where was he? Was he even anywhere, anymore?

“Thanks for the weather report,” Chris called from the stove.

“Come see.”

He came over, wiping his hands on his chef whites, and stood next to me in the doorway. “You wanna make a snowman?”

“Uh, _yes._ ”

“That was a joke.”

“All work and no play, Cornell…”

“I should throw a party.” he said, completely out of the blue.

“Uh, OK?”

“Next year. For all us Christmas strays.”

I couldn’t help breaking into a big smile. First because it was cute. Second because he said “ _us_ ”, like he was including me. He continued:

“I’ll be Mom, you guys can be my dysfunctional kids. Egg nog and charades.”

“This _better_ be serious.”

“Misery loves company.”

“Dress code: George Michael’s holiday sweater in the Last Christmas video.”

We both cracked up, that video had been all over TV since it dropped a few weeks ago. 

“Yeah, I’m serious.” He put a hand out and caught a huge snowflake in his palm, I watched it melt almost immediately, the slight trickle where it had been; I noticed everything about Chris, catalogued it for boring moments or when JP was chewing me out for putting the glasses back in the wrong cupboard. He caught me looking, we shared a smile. 

“My grandma used to say, snowflakes are proof of God. That no two of ‘em are the same. Gazillions of them and they’re all different. The diversity and wonder of His Creation,” he quipped, rolling his eyes. 

“Right. The world according to Irish grandmas. No wonder we’re such well adjusted people.”

When I made him laugh like that, it went right to my heart. 

“Christmas party at mine next year,” he said, putting out his hand for me to shake. I could still feel the cool dampness in his palm where that snowflake had been.

“I’m in.”

So after that, his holiday party became kind of a Seattle thing. All of us who didn’t have big houses, family dinners, the ones who said they hated Christmas, the ones who were lonely or a little lost. It was meant to be a drama-free zone, though it didn’t always work out that way; especially not that last year with Andy. Well, that’s for later. I don’t want to put a downer on it, though. It was a cool thing. It was just one of those great, important things Chris did. Andy said to me one year, “Chris is like, the fairy godfather round here.” That was definitely true. Though sometimes maybe a little further into Dad territory than I liked.

“You shouldn’t touch that shit,” he said to me one time, when I’d just done a line with one of the chefs after our shift ended. I could only laugh, he sounded like my brother. 

“OK, Nancy Reagan.”

“Seriously, kid. I lost about two years to shit like that. I was only a little younger than you.”

I looked at him, he never talked like this. “Huh,” was all I could say. I mean, this was a little after Alicia came back from rehab (I never believed that fucking story about her going on a cleansing retreat in India) and I kind of knew I was being stupid, but I don’t know - I just wasn’t a real sensible girl.

“Fucks you up. I got real panicky for a long time, didnt really leave the house for a couple years.”

The radio, always blaring in that kitchen, was off for once and the silence felt super loud. His eyes were opaque, I didnt really know what to say. It was kinda hard to believe that anyone as beautiful as Chris could ever be sad, or have any problems. 

“OK,” I said, that was all I could manage. But it must’ve stuck with me, because I don’t think I ever did coke again.

“You ever get bullied?”he asked, his eyes seeming far-away.

I looked at him, watched him drink his paper cup of wine, the dregs of some half empty bottle we found in the back of the bar. 

“What?”

“I hated school. I was just catching shit every day, I was a weird kid. I think I really needed some escape, or..” He shrugged, drained the wine. “That was when I got into it.”

“Well, I don’t need any, like, _escape_ ,” I said. All front, I was - while my mind was right back in the hallways of my old school, the popular kids who drained the life out of me, every single fucking day. 

He nodded. I guess he didnt buy it, but-

“No, you _don’t._ You’re doing good, kid.” 

“Well, you too, man. All I hear about is how much you kill it in the studio. Stone Gossard is fucking in love with you.” This was around the time they were recording “Deep Six”. 

He smiled, shook his head. “Those guys, man. Stone riling up the engineer like nobody’s business, he didn’t tell you about that, huh?” I cracked up, I could imagine it. He carried on- “S’posed to be one guy per band in the mixing room, right? Then you got Regan Hagar and Andy Wood rocking in there together like, ‘your bullshit rules don’t apply to us, we’re pretty much the same person’. I could’ve died, they’re a fucking trip. That record, jeez… Bruce and Jon better have some deep fucking pockets.”

It was just nice to see him snap out of the gloom, I’d have listened to music shit-talk all night if he’d keep smiling. But then, like out of nowhere, he was like- “Hey you ever go to that ice cream place in Lake City? Mancini’s?”

“Hell yeah? The black cherry flavor, dude.”

“I always just had the fucking vanilla,” he said, chuckling, and I scoffed. “I’m a traditionalist,” he said wryly.

“Vanilla, huh? I’m a little disappointed,” I said, moving a little closer - and it was definitely the drugs making me bold, I was trying to do the whole sexy thing - but he just shook his head with a grin, crumpled his paper cup in his hand and ruffled my hair, stood up to go, told me he was out.

So yeah, hard as I tried, he kept on shooting me down. And I got why. He was a good guy and all. Didnt stop me being super horny. Those other boys with their fucking eyeliner and skinny jeans didn’t do a hell of a lot for me, really. Never did.

There was the one time, though. It was before Soundgarden got super big, but Chris had been focusing on singing for a while, they had their new drummer Matt who Grace and Alicia were both kind of into, he was blonde and pretty, you know the type. We were all at a show they were doing at the Central. I think Skin Yard were supporting them that night, Matt’s old band, and it was a great atmosphere, just one of those times when the Seattle crowd really came together. Green River were still together, kinda rocky at that point I guess, but they all loved Chris and the guys. I don’t remember Andy and his crew being there. Maybe he was on one of his rehab stints at that time. We didnt really talk about stuff like that. Anyhow, I was hanging out with my girls and Stone and Jeff and Bruce. I think Grace had like a crush on Stone because she kept staring at him, he totally didn’t notice because he was hooked into Alicia as usual, I mean just call the two of them Captain Obvious honestly. That whole thing… jeez. I found it kind of weird, like why they didn’t just admit it. Anyways, I hadn’t actually seen Soundgarden play lately, I usually picked up cover shifts when Chris was doing shows (he paid me back in homemade brownies he’d bring me to work, they were only _sometimes_ pot brownies… usually just the regular kind.)

Anyway, I was feeling good, and also, that was right after I sent in my early application to UCLA. No one even knew I was applying, and even posting the packet felt like a… victory, or something like that. So I was pretty excited, anyway. 

And then Chris just appears out of nowhere, says hi to everyone, accepts all their slavering well-wishes, and then says to me: “You got a minute?”

I was so confused, but I was like- sure. _Obviously._ Followed him through to this like, side exit door which I’m pretty sure we were not supposed to go through, then we were in a little yard out back, full of old beer barrels and stuff. It was kind of a warm night, I remember that. He was wearing a thin old grey tshirt, shorts. All his hair was tied back. And he looked like… _something else._

I felt suddenly nervous.

“Hey, so, what’s going-“

And then, he just kissed me. Right there in that weird little yard. His lips were exactly as soft and full as I’d been imagining for the last nearly two years. He kissed me like we were the last people on earth, held my face in both hands. I felt like I was gonna pass out.When it finally ended I looked right into those blue eyes, probably looking like i’d been hit by a truck or something, and he said, “I wanted to do that for a while.”

“Um…”

We just stared at each other for a second, then he said: “Fuck, I probably need to be on stage.”

“OK…”

He pulled the door back open and we went back in, he disappeared almost immediately and I wandered back to my friends, kind of in a daze. Alicia tried to get me to spill what just happened but I played it off saying it was about work, and then Soundgarden were on stage, all those big heavy guitars and drums, and Chris - his hair shaken loose, his skin gleaming when he literally ripped off that old grey tshirt, straight down the middle, the way all the girls in the place seemed to stream to the front, how powerful his voice really fucking was, making me realise how much he held back in front of us at work. He looked like the devil. Like Jesus Christ. He could be both, Chris. I knew they were special. We all did. Chris was from another goddamn planet.

I could still taste the whiskey-cigarette tang of his lips, I just stood there still in this writhing crowd, just stared at him. Wanting him to see me. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. 

I remember the last day we worked together at Ray’s, not really long after that show. He came in with this big incredible smile, all that black mane still hanging round his face, looking like he hadn’t slept a wink. I’d been promoted from dish washer to kitchen jack-of-all-trades by then and I was helping him with prep, and I could tell something great had happened. I wasn’t in a great place. I didn’t get into UCLA. I didn’t even make the wait-list. I knew I’d screwed up, taken my eye off school lately, but it still stung. And what seemed almost worse right then was that me and Chris had never talked about that kiss. Now I look back and I think actually, he had met Susan by then. I’m not sure that kiss even should have _happened_. It definitely did, though. 

“Spill it, Cornell,” I said finally - and he told me Soundgarden was releasing their first EP, and hee was gonna go work at some other place nearer his apartment, with less hours, so he could focus on the band more full time. Which was what he’d been shooting for as long as I’d known him. 

And I was totally _bummed._ Bummed isn’t even a strong enough word. He was what kept me getting up at 4 a.m. on a Saturday to go clean up fish guts. He had my heart, my head, he had me all wrapped up in a fucking bow.

But of course - you don’t say any of that, do you?

I just remember putting down the knife and giving him a hug, and how he had to bend right down to hug me. How very tight he squeezed. That stupid Simple Minds song was playing on the radio, and he turned it right up and we just, like, danced around the kitchen like two idiots, he was singing louder than I ever heard him sing at work, “ _Won’t you come see about me, I’ll be alone, dancing, you know it baby,_ ” And then he caught me, spun me around and dipped me really low, singing: “ _Don’t you forget about me, don’t don’t don’t don’t…”_

My heart, just beating out of my chest. He held me there for a moment, then we both broke out of it, trying to stay silly. I mean, you can imagine what that did to my eighteen year old self. I don’t think I’ve even recovered yet. Chris, what a fucking ladies man. 

He taught me well though, because I got promoted right after he left. So I guess I can thank him for, what - my whole career? Told you he was a fairy godfather.

But also, that day; it felt like everything might be possible. Like I might be OK, even if I didn’t get into college. Like he might actually be a rockstar. 

So like - things can happen. And not just if your parents have money, or if you have the right clothes. 

_Chris_ , man.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Jeff’s POV, in the 1989 plot.  
> Trigger Warning for addiction/rehab references

**JEFF**

I remember there was snow on the ground that day. And when I woke up and saw it out of my window, it reminded me of home. I just kind of lay there for a while, looking at the white sky, thinking. Felt like I spent a lot of time thinking back then. 

My days went something like this: get up in the dark, go to work, make coffee after coffee. Bicker with Stone if he was working, laugh a little more if Andy was - the rest of my co workers were a kind of revolving door, students or people wanting to make it in something, pulling another side-gig or two. Eat lunch- leftovers from home, or bread going stale from the reject pile. Finish up, go to practice or a band meeting. That used to be fun, there wasn’t a lot of fun in it any more. Someone would end up pissed, we’d be arguing about something dumb like whether Bruce should cut his hair before or after the photoshoot, or about some drum fill no one really cared about. Then more often than not we’d all split, sick of the sight of each other already. I’d cycle home in the dark, stare at the piece I was working on. Think about eating something, go buy beer and chips from the closest bodega even though it always smelled bad and the owner didnt count the change. If we had a show, or if I wanted to go see another band, I’d do that, my eyes just burning with tiredness, knowing I had to be up in three hours. Most nights though, I’d just watch old movies til I fell asleep on the couch. I never had to worry about sleeping late because my body knew to wake up in the middle of the fucking night no matter how tired I was, or if I was off the next day.

And for a few months now, I’d think: _this is kinda funny. Because I just spent two months in California recording an album. And my face is in the fucking British music press._ _We sell out our shows easy._ There was a brief time not so long ago I really enjoyed the fact that I’d never got laid so much in my life. Sometimes, people even recognised me at the bakery and wanted me to sign something. 

And I’m not bragging here. Those are the facts, that’s the other side of it; so I didnt know why I still felt like I was pushing against something so fucking hard every day. Why I was still always so tired, still holding onto my shitty job.

I guess I knew in some way that we weren’t working like we should as a band. That something was missing. Us as a group of guys - God, at first it was fucking great, we wrote a bunch of songs, Andy was so far beyond anyone else that was happening in the scene right then - he really was. And me and Stone were just so pumped not to be in Green River any more. We grew our hair long, we bought a lot of gear pedals. We used to look at each other when Mudhoney would perform, like: _this is so old._ If anyone asked us about the days before, we’d make some crack about it, kinda mock Mark’s acid trip shtick and act like we’d fully moved on, and not only that, we were on the winning team now. We let ourselves play like Zeppelin, like Def Leppard. We ran with a tougher crowd, harder drugs, more chicks, talked openly about money and selling out arenas without being afraid it would kick up shit. 

So we were doing all that. But there was still the bakery. Still the exhaustion and the waiting, it felt like we were always waiting for the next thing to happen. For a label to call, for a tour to be booked, for Andy to show up to rehearsal.

I can look back now and say it: I _knew_. I knew Andy had problems. I think I even knew they were getting worse. I knew he and Xana were veering from one bad place to the next, I knew he’d been kicked out of his parents’ house, I knew he was spending his advance on smack and junk food. I knew a lot of the songs he played me on his little four track were useless. He needed help. And shit like that doesn’t happen fast, you know? It happens really slow. 

There was that time we opened up for Faith No More at the Central, this was a few months back, and Faith were on their fucking game right then, their record was out and you know that was the one that went on to get repped at the Grammys, I mean, much as we all laughed off that shit, it was huge, really. Mike was a wild man, he was coked out of his mind as usual that night, I noticed Stone was avoiding all that and it kinda pissed me off because like, _what_? He thought he was above it all? Maybe he was doing it for Andy, it was right after Xana’s latest ultimatum and Andy wasn’t even drinking alcohol. But I was just getting sloppy that night, I almost did it to rile up Stone, since we’d come back from Cali he was just obsessed about us being more professional, taking stuff seriously. Like he was the band leader or something? That made me mad. And I remember seeing Andy watching me, I knew he really wanted to get high. And Stone-

“Hey, um, Andy, you want to go see Chris? He wanted to talk to you about the, um, room.”

Andy moving in with Chris. Like he was a naughty little kid or something, Stone and Chris and Bruce fucking fussing over him, trying to fix him. And in Stone’s case I always felt like, _is this about Andy being clean? Or is this about the fact you really fucking want to be in a cool band on the radio?_ Also, Cornell never _one time_ asked me if I wanted to room. He knew I was struggling to make rent, even after we started getting paid by the label. He never even _asked_ me. I had no family here, no adoring girlfriend. He could’ve asked.

“Uhh- no, I’m good. I don’t wanna go out there before we play. Landrew needs time to prepare,” Andy said. Bluffing. It was like he was stuck to his chair. He couldnt find it in him to leave the situation. When I look back, when I know what I know now, because I’ve seen this happen again, and again - I think that is one of the parts of that illness that must hurt the most. Just not being able to make your brain catch up with your body, with your heart, with what you know to be right or true. Your best friend in the world could be pulling you out of that situation by the hair and it’s like you’re chained to the spot. You can’t fucking move.

“He’s cool here, dude.”

I remember saying it, and I remember the way Stone looked at me like he was trying to tell me something, and I just looked away. 

I watched little crazy Mike hoover a line off a guitar case. Felt Andy watching it too. Was aware of Stone trying to distract him. Andy’s one word answers. Greg and Bruce talking to a couple of random girls they brought backstage, like always, the sound of the girls giggling so fake, grating on me. Billy from Faith playing the same baseline over and over on his unplugged bass, it’d drive you insane - and also it irritated me because I still felt like I wasn’t getting to write enough of the music in Mother Love Bone, felt like I wasn’t as good a bass player as Billy. Just fully the thoughts of a coked-up angry guy who hasn’t slept a full night in months. 

And so I got up, went over to get another beer and barged past Stone’s precious fucking Les Paul, let it fall with a crash onto the concrete floor. “Oops.”

_“Fuck!”_

Stone was immediately there, picking up his guitar. Examining it like it was Humpty Dumpty fallen off the wall. Playing through the strings, to see if it had fallen out of his stupid tuning that no one else could remember, checking the body for scratches, Jesus fucking Christ. He looked at me like I’d kicked his puppy or something. “What _was_ that??”

“I didn’t see it there.”

“What is your _problem_ , man?”

Billy let the strings of his bass ring out, the last twang almost funny in the situation. I was aware of the other people in the room looking at us, listening.

“I don’t have a problem.”

Stone gave that infuriating laugh, like _yeah fucking right,_ and I felt that anger rising up in me, enhanced by whatever else was swimming around my system. 

“Something funny?”

“Peace and love, guys,” Andy called out, his tone so artificial. Nervous, too. Me and Stone looked at each other a long time. 

“Just re-tune it, Jesus.” I turned and opened my beer, as Greg called out, totally loaded with sarcasm:

“Drop D, dude, gotta get those Iron Maiden licks.” 

All the fucking band guys in the room cracked up except Stone. And Andy. When I turned to look at Andy, I saw that thousand-yard stare and I just wanted to get out of there. I feel like he must’ve grown up in a tough house because whenever any of us fought he was like a little abandoned kid. 

Stone ignored Greg, sat down on the floor and started trying to tune his guitar and I looked over at Billy, asked him to play me that riff again, said how rad it was. “Let me just plug you in real quick, I gotta hear this.” 

Stone looked at me like _what the hell?_ I ignored him. 

Billy started riffing on his bass, drowning out the sound of Stone’s strings, and I noticed Andy disappear with Mike. 

And I just sat there letting the bass fill my ears, drinking my beer slowly, feeling it rush to my head. That night on stage Stone played in one spot, hardly moved, even when Andy came over. After the show when everyone wanted to go party at Faith’s hotel with more girls, I walked away from it, not wanting to notice Andy looking grey-faced, Stone talking urgently to Xana and the way she looked right then, those pretty eyes just so _sad_ , defeated. 

I walked away from all of them. I had to be up in a few hours. Before I went to sleep I just kept thinking, _Andy needs help. I think he needs help. We should get him help._

But days kinda blend into each other, and I guess it got worse, because pretty soon he was back in rehab.

So here we were. Stone called me a couple of days after he walked out of the Showbox. I agreed to go visit Andy on my day off. I guess maybe that stuff before had been on my mind more than I cared to admit. And, to be honest, I was feeling pretty down because I was missing Sara. Call it crazy if you want, but that girl got under my skin. I didnt have her figured. She was always taking a step towards me, then a step back. When she called me about her nutjob ex I was weirdly happy about it because I was like- _this has gotta mean something. I’m the guy she wants to call._ And yeah, she sent me home that night, but that was OK. I’d been thinking about the one night we spent together like it was an amazing present I could unwrap whenever I was feeling shitty. The way it was - her face, her body, how fucking insanely cute she could be, even the sound of her voice - it got me through some tough shifts, lonely nights. I just wanted to see her again… and suddenly she was out of town. The message she left me worried me, I wanted to be there for her, I would’ve fucking hitch-hiked to Ohio if she’d asked me to. But all she said was that her dad was sick and she needed to go, she left a number for her mom but asked me not to call for a few days. I didn’t, but I just kept thinking - _how long is a few days? Has it been a few days yet?_

The road out of the city was quiet, it was a dead kind of time of day. It was the first time I’d been alone with Stone since he came back from the mountains, we hadn’t had any shifts together. He picked me up and we awkwardly talked about the bands we’d seen the other night. I didnt think Nirvana were gonna work, for one thing their singer seemed to want to avoid us all night. Another member of the “Mother Love Bone are corporate sell-outs” cheer team. Fuck ‘em. 

“Where’d you go the other night?” I didnt really care, but I didnt know what else to talk about. 

Stone kept his eyes on the road. I’d known the guy a few years by then and I kind of knew he was uncomfortable, but again, I didnt really care. 

“Um, just- Alicia had some… girl…. problem.” 

It was pretty fucking weak. And I was like- _what’s that?_ I mean, I kind of knew those two had been fucking for years. If they thought it was some kind of secret, they were dumber than I thought. She was definitely Stone’s type - beautiful, self obsessed, shallow as a fucking shower. And now that I noticed, he had a kind of fading bruise on his neck, and like, that’s exactly the kind of sex I could imagine them having, clumsy and nasty and full of self loathing. Probably in front of a mirror or something so they could check their hair.

“Right.”

There was a long pause. 

“We should be there by 12. They’ve, um- they said Andy’s counsellor is gonna sit in with us,” Stone said.

I was flicking through radio stations, stopped at that. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. They said it was a good idea.”

“What the fuck, dude.” I didn’t even know why that made me so mad. “I thought we were just gonna go up, say hi. Just spend some time with the guy. He’s our fucking friend-“

“Uh, well unless you want to have it out with them, just deal, OK?” Stone had his no-bullshit tone going on, I imagine he learned that from his dad, and for some reason that pissed me off too every time he did it. 

I thought about arguing some more but just gave up. Went back to messing with the radio. Driving into the country, a lot of the stations cut out, and I kept getting static or the music dropping in and out, but I kept going until Stone reached over and flicked it off. Which was pretty much like, a declaration of hostilities. We had a lot of those. I always knew when.

“You look like shit. Maybe get some sleep,” he said, glancing at me. Fuck, I mean, _he_ was the one with the hickey on his neck. I checked myself out in the passenger mirror and even I was kind of shocked at the dark circles around my eyes, the tiny broken veins in my irises. I was tired. Even for me, I was tired.

I leaned my head against the smudged window, watching woods speed past. Intrusive thoughts- _how many bodies you think are buried in those woods? How long could you survive in those woods without food?_ My head can be a weird place sometimes. I thought about Sara. Seeing her laughing, the smell of spray paint around us. Waking in the night to make love to her - corny I know, but that is the only way I can think to describe what we did, I wanted to savor every moment of it, when she rushed out the next day it literally hurt. No, not that- I made myself think about her snuggling into me, laughing at the TV. The smell of her hair. And then I don’t know how long I slept. 

When I woke up the car had stopped and we were in the Sunrise Centre parking lot. It didnt exactly live up to its name; it was a squat complex surrounded by barren fields. I could even see barbed wire, the only sound was the distant highway. Me and Stone sat there for a moment, not talking.

“Don’t be an asshole to Andy because of me, OK?” Stone said, finally, and I stared at him. He looked back at me. We almost never acknowledged the way things were between us out loud. Our problems. We’d had problems for years. Things would get better, then they’d get worse. Deep down maybe we just kind of hated everything the other was. I hated his confidence; but he hated mine too. I was making it in some small way, ever since he’d known me, and he was always standing still, afraid to jump - out of his parents’ house, out of being a fucking _competent_ guitar player. I wish, back then, we had known how to help each other. Maybe things would’ve been easier. Why we were so scared to give a little, I don’t know. Even now.

“I’m not gonna be an asshole.”

“If he asks about the tour, just say we’re handling it. Don’t tell him about the addiction specialist thing or whatever.”

I didnt ask why. Stone seemed to have thought this through, and I realised I really hadn’t. I had hardly thought about Andy since he was spirited off to rehab one morning, I’d still been hungover from a show the night before. Days turned into weeks. Here we were and I didnt know what I was gonna say. I wanted to see him so bad. I needed to see him, to know he was OK. It felt like my chance to step up and start being there for him. Being here, looking at that lonely brick building- it made it all seem so real.

“We haven’t booked any shows,” I said slowly, for some reason. I didnt want to lie to Andy no matter what Stone said. “ _Are_ you handling it?”

“We have to wait and see what happens with Andy-“

“They said he’d be out by _Christmas-_ ”

“Listen, there is a lot of _fucking_ money at stake here, Jeff.” I never heard him so angry before. “OK? This is real shit. This has to play out a certain way. If Andy gets out and relapses they’ll drop us. You think Polygram want to pay for another rehab stint before they’ve even pressed the record? You think they want to market a _dead_ guy?”

“ _Shut the fuck up, Stone._ ” Now I was angry.

“Just fucking smile and nod, OK? Can you do that?”

Man, I didn’t like his tone. I opened my door, got out of the car. He did the same, we both slammed the doors way too hard, stared at each other. It wasn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this on the day we went to see him. But that’s the way it went down.

“I’ve had it with this shit,” I said slowly, the cold air biting my hands which I shoved in my pockets, pulling my hat down lower on my head.

“My shit?”

“Yeah, your shit. You better fucking wake up, dude. You might think you’re pulling the strings or whatever but this band is going down the toilet on _your_ watch and I think you better recognise that and start showing the rest of us some goddamn respect. You think I want to fucking come here, visit my friend who’s fucking _dying -_ yeah, he is, you can say or think whatever you want but that’s the point, right, I mean what, this is his third time in rehab? How many lives you think he has left? I just wanna sit with the guy and talk about fucking music or like, football, and you’ve turned this into some kinda stage managed, fucking.. _bullshit._ Step _off_ , man. If you want, I’ll just stay here and sit in the car for the next three hours while you talk through the 12 step program with some bullshit counsellor, if you think I don’t know how to act. Or like, if you think that’s ‘whats best for Andy’.” 

I even did the goddam air quotes. I don’t think I had ever said so much to Stone in my life. And I never saw him look like that. Scared. _Really?_ But that’s how it seemed.

“Come on, we need to go,” he said quietly, putting his keys in his pocket.

I didnt say anything else. We walked up the path in more silence. The woman at the desk looked old and tired, like she had the weight of the world. There were faded prints of the beach in insipid colors hanging on every beige wall. The place gave me this heavy feeling. Was this where good things happened? Could you find yourself here? I just… I didn’t know about that.

They took us through to this little room with a view overlooking the hills. The trees were bare. There was snow on the ground here too, frozen and hard. Stone was fidgeting with a leaflet about the role of family and friends in your sobriety. For some reason I kept thinking about Andy making the audience yell “penis” at a show we did a year or so ago. His face lit up like it was the funniest thing in the world, and for some reason, it _was._ I remember how my stomach hurt from laughing. The way he strutted around, throwing his hair, teasing the audience. I wanted to ask him if he remembered that night. 

The door opened and a middle aged woman came in, followed by Andy. His hair was scraped back in a ponytail, he was wearing a big Dallas Cowboys hooded sweater, track pants. He looked… well, he looked good. I was so used to seeing him look pale and tired, or strung out. When he saw us he broke into that smile. When he hugged Stone he held him so tight, it lasted a long moment. It made me feel something - guilty, maybe. I hung back, awkward. Smiled and nodded at the lady who introduced herself as Barbara. He came over to me, pulled me into a hug and I breathed in his familiar smell, unwashed hair and Right Guard. He was a little thinner. 

“Thanks for coming up,” he said. He seemed so small in that room. Even his voice seemed smaller.

“Of course,” I said. 

Stone was still fidgeting with that damn leaflet. Andy noticed, he was staring at Stone a lot.

“How’s it been?” Stone asked, crossing and uncrossing his legs. Anxious.

“Oh, y’know. I mean, I don’t get why the Poly guys couldn’t’ve sprung for Canyon Ranch, but they do have a Pacman machine here, so…” Andy said, grinning. We both chuckled, I think he could have said anything and we would have just laughed. _Fucking smile and nod._ “And the food’s cool, it’s kinda like airplane food, all these little packages. You never know what you’re gonna get.” Then he broke into a huge wicked smile. “Plus, the chicks are great.”

“Andrew, you want to talk a little bit about the work you’ve been doing here?” Barbara cut in at that, and me and Stone both stifled a laugh, shot Andy a look. 

“Uh, sure.” Andy cleared his throat, stared at the wall behind us, not at us. “Well, um- I guess, I’ve been talking a lot in therapy about my triggers. Like, when I wanna use, or why.”

Stone was nodding encouragingly, I thought I better do that too.

“I think Seattle is kind of a bad trip for me,” Andy said thoughtfully “There’s a lot there and I can’t stay out of it very long. I didnt wanna use so much when we were in Cali. I think when we go on tour it might be a little easier, or…”

“Wait, really?” Stone cut in. Barbara frowned at him.

“Stone, why don’t you let Andy finish up what he was saying.”

“OK, um, I’m just kind of surprised I guess, because of, um- your family and how they feel about it, and - well, I’m not sure the road is the best place when you’re recovering. Like, we’re handling it, we’re definitely talking to the label about it, but-“

“I think we should let Andy finish what he was saying,” Barbara said.

“Stone, just let him finish, man.”

He ignored us. “I mean, I’m not gonna like, rush on tour to get you out of Seattle, man. That’s not what this is supposed to be about. You can’t, like-“ Stone was not gonna let up - but I was still surprised when Andy cut him off, because he’d never done anything like that before.

“Stoney, all due respect man, you don’t get it.”

His words hung in the air between us and no one said anything, until Barbara stood up, probably thinking this was not the way she wanted it to go, and said-

“I’m gonna go get some cups of water, give you all a chance to… catch up before we continue.” She stepped out of the room, her flowery perfume trailing behind her. The air in that room felt real claustrophobic.

“I don’t think we should talk about the tour right now,” Stone said. “I really wanna hear about how you’re doing, and um- anyway that’s the type of conversation where Kelly should be present, honestly. I think he said he could come up here next week if you want, we could all be here.” He put the flyer down, finally. “We’re handling it,” he added, again. 

More silence. Andy wouldn’t look at us.

“So uh, they have a gym here, or..?” I cut in. It was random, sure, but I just wanted to get off this topic. 

Stone looked at me, and Andy laughed out loud. 

“What, I was just thinking, it’s kind of the perfect time to get ripped,” I said.

“Yeah, they do have, like, a few things.” Andy chuckled again. “Thought I might spend the time journaling, or like, writing some new songs, but maybe I just need to hit the bench, huh? Hey, maybe Xana will even wanna fuck me again.”

He could always do that. Have you laughing - then cut you with a finisher like that. 

I looked into his eyes. He was hiding, as usual. 

“Did you, um- get my message the other day?” Stone asked then, sounding a little nervous or something. 

Andy looked at him, his eyes completely bright with that same humor. “You leave me a message?”

“Uh, yeah. It was late, so it was like, recorded. They said they’d give it to you the next day, I guess it would’ve been, um- Thursday, or…” 

“Nope,” Andy cut him off, abrupt, before he could even finish his sentence. “That’s weird. Never got it. Sorry, man.”

“Oh.” Stone frowned and looked at the floor. I wondered what the message had said. Maybe he was drunk or something. Maybe he’d called Andy late and chewed him out over the phone, told him he was a piece of shit junkie who’d fucked everything up, or… well. Probably nothing like that. “You sure?”

“Totally. Nope. Thought y'all found a new singer or something,” Andy said, looking away when Stone was looking at him. 

Just then Barbara came back in with some paper cups of water which she handed out. Andy drank his in one go, set it on the floor. Stone fidgeted with his, I thought it might spill all over him.

“So as Andy explained, a big part of our therapy here is in identifying triggers and mitigating those triggers. For Andy, that could well be situational. The, ah, narcotics community in Seattle has been a barrier to his recovery. I’d like you both to think about ways in which you, or your peers, might trigger Andy, and how you could work to remedy that.”

Stone and I looked at each other. We were just stupid kids in a band. At the end of the fucking day that’s what we all were. We all got high, we all got drunk, we all did stupid shit, we all threw fucking lunch meat at Johnny Rotten’s tour bus once. The shit we all used to do. I didnt even know where to start. Was I a barrier to his recovery? Were we? Was Seattle? Stone was racking his brains, clearly; I think he _really_ wanted to get an ‘A’ in this class. I just stayed quiet, thinking.

“I, um- it’s not that I think you guys are like, triggering me-“ Andy began. That scared little kid again.

“The word is _enabling,_ ” Barbara said helpfully.

“i don’t think you guys enable me.” Andy quickly said. 

“I mean, what do you mean- _enabling?_ ” Stone said, that slow blink he does when he’s in what-the-fuck mode.

“It could be, participating in situations that involve triggers, even if you’re not directly engaging in-“

“We’re in a _rock band_ ,” Stone said, completely cutting her off. “He’s _twenty three_ , I’m twenty three-”

“Stone, can I make a suggestion?” Barbara calmly set her cup down on the table, fixed him with her bird eyes. “It is not helpful to interrupt or to try and enforce your views. I’d like this to be an open and frank discussion, and there may be some hard truths involved in that.”

“Stone doesn’t enable Andy,” I said, and everyone looked at me. “I mean, the guy drives me fucking crazy- uh, excuse me - I mean, but Stone doesn’t even like, _drink_ around Andy. He’s pretty good at taking him out of those situations.”

“That’s encouraging,” Barbara said. 

Stone was still looking at me. He was probably pretty fucking surprised I went in for him. It surprised me, too.

“Dude, if you think Seattle is bad for you, I get it,” I said, finding my courage now. Making sure to look at Andy. Not Barbara, not Stone. “I mean, I didn’t have the same kinds of issues, but before I left Montana I was in a really bad place with a lot of things. I think sometimes it can help to get away and see it from another perspective, or whatever. Um, but-“ I tried to sort through my thoughts and feelings, quickly sort them into something useful. “I just don’t know if touring is exactly the answer, if you’re not totally ready. like, we all get that. Nothing’s decided, but I don’t want you to hold onto that as some kind of like, magic bullet or whatever. I know Cornell is really serious about rooming with you, man. He’s totally not into any of that shit, not for years, and he really cares about you. I mean, we all do.”

Andy was nodding, listening. But I couldn’t tell what he thought at all. 

“Andrew, would you like to talk through the recovery toolkit we created?” Barbara produced this thin sheet of paper, I could recognise Andy’s wacky scrawl all over it, doodles in the margins. Stone stared at it, not saying anything. He didnt say anything for a long time, all the way through the toolkit. Maybe he was pissed at Barbara. Or me. Or Andy. 

It was good to hear he had a plan. He’d written down a lot of good things. I wanted him to stick to it. I really did.

After an incredibly awkward hour with Barbara, full of those damn silences, they let us wander out into the hallways. Andy showed us his room - single bed, nondescript. That shitty art on the walls- or, don’t even call it art. I wished I’d drawn him something to stick up there. He had a little kids toy keyboard with him and he started playing the riff from Chloe Dancer on it. I don’t think I will ever forget the sound of it in that little room. The look on Stone’s face. I was glad when Andy stopped, got out his little fantasy football notebook and started trying to make us laugh. We all acted like the session with Barbara had never even happened, like we were totally normal, not even there.

“He seemed good,” I said as we walked back to the car.

“Yeah, he seemed good.”

I don’t remember talking a lot more to Stone all the way back. 

He dropped me off at my apartment block, reminded me about the meeting we had at Kelly’s office in a couple of days to talk about album sleeves. I realised I’d forgotten to swap my shift at the bakery for that, that was gonna be tough now. I felt so damn tired. I rode the lift back up to my apartment. Ate some instant ramen, looked at the pad by the phone. Sara’s mom’s number. Could I call yet? Had it been a few days?

It rang three times, then a woman’s voice I didn’t recognise- “Hello?”

“Uhh, hi. Is, um- is Sara there?”

I heard her calling for Sara, who picked up on another line. It was a moment before we heard the click of her mom hanging up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s- it’s Jeff.”

“Jeff?” She sounded pretty surprised. Not in a bad way, though.

“I know you said not to call for a few days, um- I just- I just wanted to check in and find out how you were.”

I heard her exhale on the other end. Imagined her, sitting in that curled-up way she did, thinking so much. I wanted to see her so bad. I just wanted to hold her and make it all better. That I could do.

“I’m OK,” she said, quiet. _Sad._

“OK, You sure about that?”

“Yeah. Thank you.” A pause. “I mean- it’s weird. I’ve been at the hospital a lot. He’s only been awake one time. I keep thinking about things I wanna say to him, but none of them seem- uh, just, none of them seem right. I just sit with him.”

“That sounds kinda tough.”

“Yeah.”

I took a breath, I didnt want to get this wrong. “Can i, uh- I mean do you need anything? Can I do anything, or-?”

“Oh, no.” Did she say it too quickly? Did I fuck up? I was holding the phone real tight. “It’s fine. just.. thank you for calling. I was having a shitty night.”

“I get that. I didnt have the best day either. Stone and I… we went to see Andy today at rehab.”

“Oh wow. Is he- I mean, how is he?”

“Well, he looks good. We met his counsellor. It sounds like he’s been doing a lot of, I guess, work on himself, which is great.”

“That’s really great. What about you guys? Is Stone, um-“ She tailed off. I didnt really want to talk about Stone.

“He’s OK. Only minor bumps and bruises,” I joked. She didn’t laugh. There was a kind of awkward silence.

“Anyway, um- is it snowing out there?” I was looking out of the window again, trying to find something to make her smile. The sky was clouded over and dark.

“Uh, yeah, it is a little. Hey, I gotta go. My mom’s calling me.”

Fuck, why did I go with snow? Like she wanted to talk about the weather right now. 

I swallowed. “OK. Well, I hope your night gets better. If you ever need to talk, I’m here, um— I mean, if I’m not here you can just leave me a message.”

“OK. Thanks, Jeff. Really, thank you for calling.”

“See you.”

I put the phone down. Put my bowl in the sink, tuned my bass, took a shower. Stared at my canvas. Tried not to think about her. That push-pull thing she did. Or about Andy. Or about identifying triggers, hard truths. I’d think about all that tomorrow, when I was less tired. Tomorrow, I’d be less tired.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Grace’s POV, 1989. A little cameo from someone fun in this chapter too!

**GRACE**

For some reason, I kept having dreams about Andy. It started a couple of months back, we were going to a lot of Mother Love Bone shows and I guess he was on my mind again. I knew he and Xana were happy, or… whatever. I kind of knew I’d missed my chance with him, I guess he got sick of me making an excuse or a dumb joke whenever he tried to drop a hint or get closer. 

There was that one time, the summer before - and maybe it was only their second show ever or something - at the Central. Everyone was so excited. Mother Love Bone were so fucking cool, and everybody there knew it. Andy seemed really good. I must’ve been pretty tipsy that night because Alicia even managed to persuade me to tap-dance to “Love-cats” by The Cure, which… well let’s just say I don’t _normally_ seek out attention. After that, Andy insisted I teach him, and that was so Andy - he wasn’t too cool to make a total idiot of himself, he looked so fucking funny in his black leggings and tshirt, his blonde hair flying everywhere, totally out of step. 

After I gave up, he pulled me in for a really tight hug, kissed me on the cheek and whispered really quick, “Come home with me, I really want you to.” I looked at him, I guess my eyes were pretty much saucers, I remember that feeling of butterflies, like- _oh my God_. 

And he looked straight back at me, still that smile, and I just said: “Ican’tIhaveworktomorrow”, in a rush. And I didn’t even have work. 

He let it go. I still think about that, like _why._

Anyway. He kept coming up in my dreams lately. Usually something like, we were back in some club, maybe Monastery, maybe the Vogue or somewhere. Some dark club, the music never stood out, just how dark it was, the lights that flashed, giving glimpses of faces, people kissing, someone crying, I couldn’t recognise them at all. And then I’d see Andy, through the crowds; smiling, or laughing, like he was totally fine. And I’d think, _we need to get out of here_. I had to get to him, he wasn’t safe, _why was he laughing?_ I just remember those thoughts and feelings. I’d finally get to him and I’d pull him by the hand, try to get him out. But he kept letting go of my hand. I just wanted to get out of the club, but even if I gripped his hand tightly, I couldn’t get more than a few steps without tripping, or bumping into someone, and I’d lose him again. I’d panic. And then I’d wake up.

That morning, it jerked me out of sleep, I stared around my room, not knowing where I was. It wasn’t my apartment, I’d been staying at home the past couple of nights to babysit my little sister Tori while my mom was out of town. My old room was exactly the same as ever. My dad’s Berkeley pennant above my dresser, Polaroids of me and Alicia and Meg hanging on the clothes line I strung up from wall to wall, my old dressmaker’s dummy. 

I threw on dungarees and a cropped tshirt, I had to be quiet going downstairs because my dad was sleeping, he was doing so many nights in Emergency at Harbor View, they were always busy right now. “So many drug addicts _, wahala,”_ he'd say, with that deep-etched frown.

When I got downstairs I realised there was no coffee. Tori had already gone to school, she left me a smiley face on a Post-It.

The house felt really empty and quiet, not like my busy street in Queen Anne. Also, I was kind of weirded out by that dream again. I just wanted to get out. 

I put on my Docs, caught a bus into town. I wandered a little way until I realised I was right by the Raison d’Etre. Stone, Jeff and Andy had worked there for a year or so, they were pretty hilarious about it when you got them together. Maybe thinking about Andy had brought me there. _But he’s not there, Grace,_ I told myself. _He’s not even in town right now._

There was no cheesy bell to jingle when I opened the door to the bakery. It was a cool place: uncomfortable tall stools, a lot of mirrors, jazz music playing quietly. I glanced at the counter. There was Jeff, his hair under a bandana, cute in the apron. I still felt kind of embarrassed about how I acted after the show at the Moore - had he _really_ carried me up to my apartment? - but I was kind of glad to see him all the same.

“Hey,” I said, tentatively walking over. 

He looked around. God, he was so cute. I knew this objectively, and like always, it just made me more awkward.

“Hey, stranger,” he said, grinning. “Rough night with the acrylics?”

I stared down at the paint on my dungarees. “Uh, I guess so.” 

“I hear that.” He carefully put some more croissants in the display. “Coffee?”

“Um, yes. Please. Just a latte.”

He started making the coffee, glanced at me. “Didn’t see you the other night at the Showbox?”

“Yeah, I’m kind of on babysitting duty right now. How was it?”

I had an idea of how it had gone, because Meg called me the next day, first to wax about Layne’s general stamina in the sack - “ _four fucking times,_ I shit you not” - then to ask if I knew what was up with Alicia, who apparently had been acting weird all night. Actually, Alicia didn’t answer the phone for two whole days, and that’s how I knew there was something wrong. For someone with the reputation of Seattle’s craziest party girl, Alicia sure as hell spent a lot of time sitting by her phone.

“Uh, it was fine. I don’t think we’re gonna go with any of those guys. I mean, we don’t have to decide anything yet, really. With Andy, y’know,” he said hesitantly.

I nodded, watched as he made a kind of tulip shape in the coffee foam, and I had to smile. “Wow, check you out with the latte art.”

“I mean, if the band doesn’t work out, you need a Plan B, right?” he said, winking at me. I tried not to blush and fumbled in my purse. “Oh, hey. It’s on me. You did tell me you love me, after all.”

Now I really was blushing. “ _Fuck_ , I am soooo-“

“Nah, I kinda like drunk Grace.”

I smiled and took my cup carefully. “You wanna come sit a minute, or -“

“I wish. I’m kinda flying solo here, couldn’t get anyone else in. I think Stone’s avoiding me or something.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, it’s weird. He totally bailed the other night, I don’t know what his deal is.” Just then, a slightly older guy with floppy, dark hair came up behind me. “Oh, hey Cameron,” Jeff said.

“Can I get another long black, man? To go?”

“Sure.” 

I looked at the guy. He was kind of cute, wearing a beaten-up leather jacket even though it was really warm in the bakery. He was rubbing his face as if he was stressed about something. He glanced at me, gave a quick smile. 

“This is my friend Grace,” Jeff said. “Seattle native, actually. You should talk to her too.”

I raised my eyebrows, not getting it. The guy Cameron looked at me again. “I’m writing a movie,” he said, almost apologetically. “Nothing weird, I promise.”

I was pretty surprised. “Oh, that’s really cool. A movie about Seattle?”

“Something like that. I’m actually a Southern California transplant, but I really like it here. Kinda waiting for the muse to strike. Been spending too much time in coffee shops, talking to people like your friend here.”

“God, well, if you want drama, you should meet some of our other friends,” I said, rolling my eyes with a smile. 

“Is that a genuine offer?”he said, his eyes twinkling.

Jeff could probably see I was feeling a little shy, as he stepped in for me. “Grace and her friends kind of run this town. They know everybody.”

“I mean, no, but I’d be happy to help you with research, or…” I had an idea, suddenly. “Actually, if you need, like, a runner, or whatever, I’m really into photography. I work at a studio right around here. I mean, it’s not movies, but..” I tailed off. “Wow, did not mean to like, presume.”

Cameron smiled. He had a really nice smile, open face. “You know what? I won’t be shooting til probably next year, but I’d love to take your details. And also pick your brain about this town, if that’s OK.” 

I stared at him, and he added, “Uh, I’m married and stuff, this is definitely not a lame pick-up.” 

Jeff laughed at that and I shot him a look. I could feel my coffee cup wobbling in my hand. “Sure. Um, I’ll give you my number.”

He got a pen and receipt out of his pocket and scribbled my number on it, grinned at me and Jeff and paid for his coffee, before flying out of the bakery like he really had somewhere to be. 

“Cool guy,” Jeff remarked. “You saw _Fast Times at Ridgemont High_ , right?”

I gaped at him. “Huh?” Me and Alicia had been obsessed with that movie a few years back.

“Yeah, that was his movie. Well, he wrote it anyway. Y’know, Sean Penn with the mullet?”

“ _That_ was his movie?”

“You gonna be the next Phoebe Cates?” Jeff said, wiping the counter. 

“Jeez, well if he wants his next movie to be about like, clueless adults just going to shows all the time and hooking up, I guess we have plenty of material,” I said, feeling kind of embarrassed. I was sure he wouldn’t call, anyway. Who would even greenlight a movie like that? 

I smiled at Jeff then went to go, before saying - “Hey, is Andy doing OK?”

His face turned serious a second. “Uh, I don’t know, honestly. I keep meaning to call him.”

“They know when he might get out?”

“Christmas kinda time? It’s hard to say, obviously-“

“Right.”

It was shitty. Those guys should’ve been on top of the world right then. Fooling around together behind the counter, Andy charming tips out of the customers, Stone and Jeff passionately arguing over whether Sting was more awesome in or out of The Police, like last year. 

I took a sip of my coffee. It was OK, but I couldn’t really enjoy it. It felt like everything was changing, like things might change forever if we weren’t careful.

“Well, tell him I said hi. And I’m sending him something, actually.”

“I will. See you, Grace.”

Going back to my parents’ house, I really felt like I needed to do something. So I borrowed my mom’s car, put a box of my little sister’s Girlscout cookies in the passenger seat, and went over to Alicia’s house. The radio was tuned to a pop station and I rolled the window down, smiling because it was Meg’s song- “How Will I Know” by Whitney. She’d loved that song ever since she heard Chris Cornell singing it at work. No matter how great Layne was in bed, Meg was gonna be crushing on Chris when she was on the geriatric ward.

Alicia’s mom’s car was in the drive, which surprised me a little. I took the cookies and checked my hair in the mirror. Her mom, Kathryn, noticed everything. When you walked in she’d give you the full one-two, she was kind of terrifyingly perfect. 

I knocked on the door, and a maid opened it. They’d been through a lot of maids, I didnt recognise this one. She let me in.

“Um, I’m here to see Alicia, is she here?”

The maid nodded and pointed upstairs. I was about to go up there when Kathryn called from the kitchen-

“Who’s that?”

I swallowed. “Um, hi Mrs Darcy- uh, Kathryn. It’s Grace.”

“Grace, sweetie. Let me see you.”

I went and stood in the doorway. Kathryn was wearing workout clothes, her blonde highlighted hair pulled back tight from her face. She was a model back in the 60s, even made the cover of Vogue, and she was still beautiful. She was the kind of woman who more makeup to exercise. My hand went to my hair again, smoothing it down. Conscious of my paint-splattered dungarees and cropped tshirt. Kathryn was drinking a can of Slim-Fast, Alicia always joked that it was the only thing in their fridge. She was reading a copy of the Seattle Times, it was open at a double page spread about the Berlin Wall coming down. Pictures of kids climbing over it, tearing at the graffiti letters screaming NO FUTURE.

“Would you look at this?” She said, gesturing at the paper. “Who’re we gonna hate now we don’t have the Russians? Each other?”

She smiled that shark smile, the same one Alicia has. I didnt know what to say. I didnt really follow the news, it depressed me. A lot of the time it felt like Seattle was the only place in the whole world, our little group the center of it.

“Um, yeah, I guess.” I said, kind of laughing nervously.

“You cut your hair.”

“Yeah.”

She smiled, so brightly. “Well, it’ll always grow back.”

My eyes flickered past her to one of the many photographs of Alicia’s grandma hanging on the wall. She was a big movie star back in the 40s, 50s. Starting out as an ingenue heroine in wartime romances, going on to corny musicals set in rural idylls. She’d met Alicia’s grandfather- a very big deal in shipping- and he’d spirited her up here as soon as the studios stopped calling, distracted by another, perkier all-American blonde. Now, she was one of those lined old ladies in Dior who held fundraisers at their lakefront compound in Sammamish. Her perfect pouting face in sepia, forever nineteen years old, stared down at me, I tried not to look at it.

“I, um, I just came to see how Alicia was doing.”

Kathryn waved her hand dismissively. “She’s up there pretending to be sick, I don’t know. Boy problems, probably. Parties and boys. So much for an education, huh?”

I bit my lip. “Right.”

“Oh, Gracey, tell your mother I’m going to give her a call. We have an extra ticket to _Giselle_ at the PNB.”

“OK, sure.”

“You used to dance so beautifully,” Kathryn said, glancing me up and down. “Such a shame you stopped. I always remember you and that boy in The Nutcracker, both of you were just darling.” I cringed inwardly- me and Alex as the Sugar Plum Fairy and Cavalier, our smiles plastered to our faces under the bright stage lights, the night before we both quit ballet forever. If anyone ever brought it up, we had an unspoken pact to change the subject immediately. I almost feel like Green River was entirely borne of his desperation to no longer be uncool.

“All of you kids, never thought you’d still be hanging around Seattle now,”she continued, drinking her Slim-Fast daintily. “All these little bands, or what have you. The Gossards are tearing their hair out, my goodness.” She giggled lightly. “You girls have your looks at least.”

Smiling patronisingly. I mirrored her expression. Turned to go, felt her watching me as I did.

Still clutching the box of cookies, I climbed the two flights of stairs up to Alicia’s room. The door was closed. Actually, it was locked when I tried it.

“Leesh? You in there?”

Silence.

“Hey, Leesh?”

Silence again. Then-

“What do you want?”

“Um, to come in?”

“Why?”

“To see you?”

“Why do you want to see me?”

I rolled my eyes. “Leesh, can you just let me in? I’m not going anywhere. So unless you want to have a conversation through the door-“

“Sure.”

I stared at it. Thought about it. Sat down by the door, set the cookies down. “OK. Fine.”

“Ever think I didn’t answer the phone because I wanted to be left alone?”

She sounded close, like she was sitting the other side of the door.

“I was worried.”

“Classic Gracey.”

“Meg said you seemed weird the other night-“

“What?”

“She said you seemed weird and she knew something was up when you guys were out at that Mother Love Bone thing at the Showbox.”

“Huh, well, she was clearly pretty worried considering she skipped out on me to go fuck Layne again.”

I giggled, I couldn’t help it. “I mean, its Meg, right.”

“Anyway, I’m sick.”

I leaned my head against the door, trying to hear any noise from inside. Nothing. Alicia was always playing music, or her little TV was going. I knew she wasn’t OK.

“Please will you just let me in? I have Girlscout cookies.”

“What kind?"

“Um, Tagalongs or Golden Yangles.”

There was a pause, then a click and the door opened. Alicia was standing there, her blonde hair a mess, her eyes kind of red. The sleeves of her Seattle Mariners sweater were pulled right over her hands. She didnt look so good, and I realised I was so used to seeing her look perfect. She hardly ever let you see anything else.

“Hey,” I said, holding out the box. She took it, looked at me. “Are you OK? Did something- happen?”

She smiled, the image of that photo of her grandma downstairs. A movie smile, it didnt quite ring true.

“I mean, there’s always something happening.”

“Ha, ha.”

I followed her into her room, scanned around. It was a mess; candy wrappers on the floor by the bed, cassettes pulled out of their cases, clothes strewn around. The drapes were closed. I could smell alcohol clearly, but couldnt see any bottles or anything.

“How long have you been holed up in here?”

She lay down on the bed, drew her slim legs up. “I’m just taking some me-time.”

“OK, you need to tell me what’s going on.”

I sat down on the rug, opened the box of cookies and offered her some. She took three and stuffed them in her mouth, one after another. I noticed the cuticles on one hand were bleeding.

“Just some bullshit,” she said, not looking at me. “You know.”

“Well, no, I don’t know.”

“You want to hear the new Bad Religion tape? I literally just got it. It’s pretty cool, I mean, it’s no Suffer, but I like it. We have to play it really loud though. My mom will freak.”

“Um- I’m good right now.” I watched her as she reached for more cookies and ate them. “Hey - did something happen at the Showbox?”

She stared up at the ceiling. “Like what?”

“Help me out, Leesh.”

“That whole thing was such a wash-out. I mean, I really don’t get what’s so hard about choosing a fucking support act for your theoretical tour that you can’t even get excited about because your singer’s fallen off the wagon for the _thousandth_ time,”

She giggled, and I frowned. It wasn’t funny to me. Andy was in a really bad place and I was worried. Like, really worried. Since he’d got together with Xana we hadn’t been so close, but he’d still called me the day he got to rehab. I was working on a collage to send him, with some photos of everyone I had developed at work. I’d meant to work on it today, before I decided to go to Alicia’s.

“Anyhow, I left early. Stone was pissing me off.”

“Stone?” I repeated. “Something happen with Stone?’

She looked over at me, her eyes narrowed. “Uh, no.”

_Why was she being weird?_

“Are he and Jeff still fighting?” I thought back to Alicia’s party. “Wait, is it something to do with Sara? Didn’t she hook up with both of them, or-“

“Jeez, why is everything about Sara,” Alicia said, sounding unimpressed. “She must love drama if she wants to fucking tag team with those two. I’d never have introduced her to Stone if I thought she was gonna New Order that shit.”

“New Order?” I repeated, frowning.

“ _Bizarre Love Triangle?_ ”she said incredulously.

I laughed. Deep down, she was just a big music nerd. “Leesh, that’s not gonna catch on.”

“Honestly, it was not my finest hour though,” she said, playing with her hair. “I mean, she’s not exactly Stone’s type.”

“Well, it kind of sounds like she might be.”

She scoffed. “Please, I know him.”

“Why _did_ you hook them up?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. They’re both really pretty, I just liked the… idea of it.”

I stared at her. Not for the first time in the last few years, I wondered exactly who she was these days.

“OK…”

“Oh, you know Stone. He’s like, that guy who’s really beautiful, he’ll show you a great time, send you on your little way feeling good - I mean, _you_ know this, Gracey, huh? And it’s like, the girl hadn’t been laid in months, she was messed up over that insane dude from before, I thought it’d be fun, like a one night thing. I was trying to be a good friend. He did it for _me_. I don’t get why it had to be so drama. Stone takes shit way too seriously these days, is what it is.”

“Maybe he actually likes her,” I said. And to be honest, even though it was nearly two years ago, it felt kind of shitty to say it, because _I’d_ liked him. I also didnt like her reminding me of it.

“Ha, yeah, sure. Stoney? _Like_ her? That boy’s main hang is his guitar, for the past like, million years, so…” Alicia said, immediately. I suddenly looked at her and cut her off.

“Leesh - did something happen between you and Stone?”

There was a silence, for too long.

“The other night? Did you guys-“

“Why are you asking me that?” Alicia demanded, sitting up on her bed. “ _Now_ who’s looking for drama?”

“Is that a yes?”

“Me and Stone is so over, that’s like, so fucking, _five years ago_ Grace. Are you high?”

“Why are you getting mad?”

“Why are you _interrogating_ me?”

“Leesh, I literally don’t care what you did, I don’t even care about Stone. I just want to know if you’re OK. You don’t seem OK.”

She opened her mouth to argue again, but then stopped. I realised her eyes were filling up with tears.

“Alicia,” I said, softer.

“I am. I’m fucking _great_ ,” she said, her voice shaking.

I went and sat next to her on the bed, took her hand that was buried under her sleeve. Her fingers were so small and slim. She always wore this little birthstone ring. Amethyst.

“What happened?”

We both stared at the floor. Her rug was stained, where we’d spilled so much alcohol and god knows what on it over time. There were cookie crumbs stuck to it now. She exhaled, shook her head hard like she didn’t want to say it-

“Me and Stone, um. At the Showbox.”

I squeezed her hand.

“In the fucking disabled bathroom.” She laughed even though she was kind of trying not to cry.

“Classy move,” I said, still squeezing her hand. She leaned her head on my shoulder, I felt her long hair tickle my skin. I leaned into her too.

“It was kind of awful.”

“The sex was bad?”

“Uh - no. More like- it was just kind of…ugh, I don’t know. Weird. I was mad. Stone, um... he’s messed up, about Sara, and the band stuff. I don’t know why but it really pissed me off. I didn’t mean for it to happen the way it did, but...” She rubbed her face hard with her sleeve. “I think ... I don’t think he was OK.”

I wondered what her real feelings were. What she might’ve said or done to Stone to protect those feelings. I knew her.

I looked at her. “Do you like him?”

She shook her head again. “No. It’s... _God_ , I don’t know what it is with us.” When I frowned, not understanding, she said- “He - he fucking told me he _loved_ me. Like, a while ago. It just... It scared the hell out of me. I just didn’t know what to... do with it.”

I thought about Alicia at five, dragged around child modeling shoots all weekend, falling asleep at dinner parties, her blonde hair trailing in her food. The pictures she used to draw all the time, always the exact same- MOMMY, her mom a giant stick with yellow hair, surrounded by hundreds of little red hearts. Alicia at eight, having her puppy taken away because she flunked another spelling test and her dad thought dyslexia was just “new agey psychobabble”. Alicia at twelve, freaking out in the school bathroom because she didn’t know what her period was. 

Next to me on the bed, she just so seemed tiny. She made fists with her hands, digging her nails in. I’d never seen her like this before. She kept going-

“Like, really, Stone? You _love_ me? So, how does _that_ work? You love, like, the _actual_ me? What, you love my _bullshit_? You want to hear about all my fucking _problems_? I _know_ I’m like, Ms Issues. You think Stone has room in his stupid head for anyone except himself? Jesus, he doesn’t know _me_ , at all. So yeah.... I don't think so.”

She was almost crying, by the end. Not looking at me.

We didn’t say anything for a moment. I wondered if this had been around the time I hooked up with him, how weird he and Alicia had both been about it. I felt so dumb for not seeing this before. Kind of angry, too. But I could push that down, I knew I had to. She was a fucking nutjob sometimes, but she was my nutjob. And I _did_ love her.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me this before?”

“Because it was nothing.”

I looked at her, I knew it wasn’t.

“You can’t just hide up here forever,” I said, brushing her blonde hair back gently.

“Wanna bet?”

I squeezed her hand. “You should call Stone.”

“No, I’m good.”

“Leesh, I know, um.. I know it can be tough to like, be open, but... if you have feelings for Stone, or-“ She cut me off, saying with so much contempt, “ _feelings_?” And I ignored her, carried on: “You should talk to him. Really. I mean, you guys are friends. Whatever else, you’ve been friends forever. Just... make it right.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’s a little busy banging _Sara_...”

“Uh, well, that’d be kind of hard, considering she’s in Ohio, cos her father’s dying,” I said plainly. Sometimes you needed to call her on her shit. “Have you even spoken to her?”

Alicia ripped at her cuticle. “No. I’m not... good at that stuff.”

“Well, good or not, I think you’ve got a little date coming up with your friend Garfield,” I said, motioning at her stupid character phone. I got up and opened her drapes, picked up the candy wrappers from the floor and put them in the trash. I noticed an empty gin bottle in there; a bloody tissue, what looked like the pieces of a ripped up photograph. I didn’t ask. I went over and kissed her on the top of the head.

“Shower. Go have a Slim Fast with your mom. Then call them.”

She smiled up at me - and like always, I felt like I won gold.

“I’ll see you soon, OK?”

Kathryn was gone by the time I got downstairs. My shoes echoed in the big empty hallway. I turned the music up loud as I drove home, sang along, trying to absorb the happy. When I got home, I sat in the car a while before going in.

There was an envelope waiting for me on the kitchen counter. My name and address in that unmistakeable crazy writing. He must have still had my old address. I ripped it open.

Inside was a hand drawn picture - a stupid childlike drawing of a little velociraptor and a big old T-Rex getting ready to fight, just like that day back at the dinosaur museum forever ago. There was an arrow pointing to the raptor, and the word: “ME”. Then, next to the T-Rex: “JUNK”. 

I couldn’t help laughing out loud. I turned it over and read what he’d written on the back. 

“ _Still fighting the good fight._

_Miss you._

_Andy.”_


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Two POVs, two different years for you.  
> \+ smut warning!

**1986**

**Stone**

Jeff’s still talking about doing another tour. Never mind that last year we made it to the East Coast and played to crowds of like, five people; nearly died in a freaking car wreck; or, even better, we haven’t even played a show in over two months now. He says his dad can lend us a school bus. That’s excellent, a bus from Montana. I guess we’ll just drive there to pick it up, _that_ makes a whole lot of sense.

I’m kind of out of it since last night. I don’t think we should be going out this much while we’re making the record. Chris Hanszek, who’s producing, is kind of cool but his girlfriend Tina is fucking intense, and if I go in there and find she’s remixed the guitars I seriously, like, I'm _not_ gonna take it. Yesterday:

“You sure about these guitars, Stone?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I mean, it’s pretty... dirty. Like, _really_ dirty, actually.”

“That’s how we play.”

“I think it needs to be brighter.”

“That’s our sound.”

“That’s not sound, it’s fucking... _noise_.”

Chris H cutting in. “Stone, if we just take a little bit of the clip off _10,000 Things_ I think that’s probably all it…”

Tina again, _Jesus: “_ Chris, the whole fucking track is clipped. Just keep the vocal and they can come in and do the guitars again. Seriously.”

“You want us to record the _guitars_ again?” 

Chris H: “No-”

Tina: “ _Yes._ ”

Jack Endino was still hanging around in the mixing room. “Hey Stone, can I hear it?” 

I nodded, trying to stay calm. They hit playback. I could tell Jack was like, really listening. I mean, I just kind of had him down as like, the stoner drummer in Skin Yard, but OK. That’s interesting. 

“OK, try this.” He messed with a few switches a while. And then, it did sound better. “Just EQ before you compress, I don’t think you need to re-record the guitars. It’s gritty, but I think it’ll work.” 

Tina was actually glaring at the guy - then she just walked out. Andy and Regan from Malfunkshun were hanging outside the mixing room, when I glanced out the window Andy made a stupid face at me. He’s kind of like, a lot, even when he’s sober. And last time I saw him play he was dressed in women’s clothing singing Queen covers instead of rocking out. But he makes me laugh pretty much anytime he opens his mouth, so…

“I think we’re gonna make a start on Malfunkshun now, dude. See you tomorrow,” Chris H said, my cue to leave. 

On my way out Andy was like, “Hey Stoney boy, you seen Chris Hanzsek’s balls anywhere? I think he was looking for them”, and Tina came around the corner right then, and we all cracked up. I didn’t stick around to see how that would end.

Today, we’re supposed doing more vocals, but Jeff and Mark are still arguing about the bus thing. I tune them out because I wanna think about her instead. Alicia. I know she kind of freaked a while back, I think I came on way too strong or whatever - hard not to, but I did. I’ve tried seeing a couple of other girls and I just... it’s not happening. It’s _her_. It’s been her for a long time. 

And I feel like I want to just, like, _fix_ her or something, so she would stop with her bullshit, just _be_ with me. I just need the right words, the right time. I can be patient, I'll do whatever. Or maybe I’ll talk to her at her birthday thing this week. In a calm, rational way, I’ll tell her how I feel. That I think about her all the time, it’s not just like, hooking up to me, I want to _know_ her. And I love the stubborn, fucked up, frustrating parts of her too. _Love?_ Well, who even knows. I need to think this through some more.

“Stone, you think we should do this KCMU interview tomorrow?” Jeff cuts into my thoughts. 

“Uhh, I guess so -”

“I don’t think we need to do like _another_ interview about how fucking awesome it is to work with Chris Cornell,” Mark says. Chris is pretty much all anyone wants to talk about right now. Also, Mark is hurting that they have 3 tracks on the EP and we only have 2. I know Soundgarden are a better band than us right now. They’re probably a better band than everyone else on the record. 

“Well how’re we gonna get people to give a shit if we’re just sitting in Stone’s attic playing like we have for the last two months-”Jeff starts, but Mark cuts him off.

“You’re right, dude, what we really need is your dad’s fucking _bus_ and another tour, because that went so peachy last time.”

Mark’s kinda right, but even though it hurts a little to say it, Jeff is too. We can’t go back. It has to be forward. Things are getting real. When I dropped out of school in the fall I swore to my parents this wasn't a fucking joke to me.

“I’ll do the KCMU thing with Jeff.”

“I can’t do it, I have work,” Jeff mutters. Bitter, seems like. Nothing new there.

“OK, I’ll do it on my own. I think we should do it.”

Mark shrugs, as though it doesn't even matter, even though he spent the past however long wailing on it, like it was the least punk rock thing ever to do an interview. He wanders off to go roll a joint. I pick up my guitar, hope Jeff doesn’t try and start a conversation. I just want to sit and figure all my shit out. Actually I just want it to be Friday night, when I see her.

**Alicia**

Who said I wanted a stupid dinner party with our _neighbors_ for my 18th birthday? Mom and Dad have these little phases of being super concerned about me; well, if they think I’m not gonna go all fucking out at the Deep Six record release in a few weeks, they're plain wrong. Fuck finals; I managed to persuade them I’m not in the right space for college right now, I guess I’ll worry about what to do at some point. 

The time goes slow, the food is boring, and our parents dominate the conversation, they barely even talk about Green River or any of our shit. Plus, Grace isn’t even here because she has mono. 

Me and Stone... both of us are going out of our minds. It’s been a long time since we last hooked up, it had gotten a little too intense for me. But for some reason - maybe just because Gracey’s not around - tonight I’ve decided it’s on, and he knows. He keeps looking over at me, and I can’t help my little secret smiles, playing with my cutlery and pushing the food around my plate.

I know my mom is watching me, someone’s always watching me these days. Stone’s dad is saying something about steel futures. The dads are nodding enthusiastically. The moms sip their wine. _Who the fuck cares._ I glance at Stone, and he kind of bites his lip, looks away. That’s it, I put my spoon down, stand up. Everyone looks at me. My mom’s eyes are totally steely. _Deal with it._

“Alicia, honey, what are you-“

“Oh, I forgot I said I’d show Stone my new stereo.” 

“Um, yeah, no, that would be great.” Stone stands up too. 

Steve Turner laughs, and turns it into a theatrical cough. His mom shakes her head at him. I'm kind of aware of Stone’s parents looking at each other, maybe they know what’s up. I mean, he could definitely do worse, I bet that’s what they’re thinking. 

My mom is just looking daggers at me. 

“Well, I think that can wait til after we finish dessert, don’t you?”

_Fuck you for treating me like a little kid_. “No, I’m done.”

“Alicia, I don’t-“

“Thanks, Mom.” I smile. She just returns my smile like a mirror, she’s not gonna crack right now. No one else says anything, until Mr Turner starts talking about the Mariners, and I slip out. Stone follows me. When we get out of earshot of the dining room we both crack up. 

“Your mom scares the shit out of me, so I hope you understand how tough that was,” he says in a low voice.

“Congrats.”

He kisses me against the wall in the hallway. Touches my face: “I’ve been thinking about you so fucking much.”

I don’t want to talk, _what is that?_

_“_ Just c’mon.”

He tries to like, ask me if I’ve been OK and stuff when we are going upstairs but I brush it off. I don’t want to date him or whatever, does he get that yet? I just _want_ him. I don’t know what that is, it’s just Stoney Gossard, a kid I’ve known my whole life. But there’s something about him. Like, he looks at me like no one ever has before. He’d do anything for me probably. Also, he’s hot.

I lock my door behind us, push him onto my bed, climb on top of him. I wriggle out of my dress, throw it on the floor. His eyes are so wide. He sits up a little to kiss me, deep, needy. I pull off his shirt, our hands are all over each other. He’s already hard, I can feel it. He tries to push me down on the bed but I hold still, “No, like this,” I whisper, reaching down to touch him and making him moan softly. I kiss him, hard, unbutton him, he goes with it and slides my panties down my hips and legs, guides me onto him. 

I cry out so loud. I don’t care who hears me. Our parents are downstairs, and I don’t give a fuck. “Bite my shoulder,” he murmurs, thrusting up into me, his hands gripping my waist. I do, hard. He gasps, goes deeper, and he keeps kissing me, trying to slow it down, and I’m getting kind of lost in this, the way he feels, his eyes and lips That face. I’ve known him my whole life and I’m not gonna lie, it’s intense. 

But I just want to be in my body, not in my head. 

I get on my back and pull him onto me, dig my nails into his skin hard, pushing up against him. And then his thrusts become more ragged and he’s coming, kissing me hard to stifle his groans. _That’s it, Stoney, you’re mine aren’t you._ And then I am too, my whole body releasing, bucking up against him. 

We lay there panting, our bodies sticking together. Time passes. I know we have to get back downstairs, I don’t even know how we’re gonna explain this. The thought of it makes me laugh out loud, and then him too, he gets it. His green eyes so bright. I can feel his heart pounding against mine. 

“We should…”

“Yeah, we really should.”

We still don’t move. He traces my cheek with his fingertips, they’re rough with callouses on my skin, which is kind of sexy. But then, I have to look away. I’m done for now. 

I gently push him off me, sit up and smooth down my hair with my hands. He pulls my hair back and kisses my neck, making me shiver.

“Been a while,” he says. 

“Don’t make it weird.” 

I get up, grab my dress off the floor and pull it over my head. He’s watching me. I go to the mirror and quickly fix my face. I’m pretty sure it’s not gonna be too obvious, but who knows, and I don’t even really care. Eventually, he gets dressed and comes over to me, pulls me to him.

“Happy birthday,” he says, kisses me gently. 

And then I break it, my hand on his chest, slightly pushing him away. I don’t want him to say anything else.

When we appear, the plates have all been cleared away and they’re finishing coffee. Mr Gossard makes some kind of joke about us kids and our music gear. Steve is like, “Yeah, Stone’s real into his stereos. I guess Alicia must have a really good one.” 

Stone shoots him a look, I crack up, Mom glares at me, I swear Stone’s dad winks at him. 

And I watch him, and I think - _Goddamn it._ I better leave that where it is for a while, again.

**1987**

**Stone**

Somehow, we’re in Montana. We played a show in Missoula, now we’re in this little city called Bozeman, right in the middle of the Rockies. Everything here smells like timber and pine. We’re staying in this trippy motel called the Lewis & Clark. A board on the broken-down neon sign reads “KEEPING IT LOCAL SINCE 1976”. It’s right on the highway inbetween a wolf sanctuary and a Dairy Queen.

I’m rooming with Jeff, which - I mean, there wasn’t really a good option, but I would say this is definitely not the ideal situation. Since we went up to Vancouver a couple of months back, things have been kinda tense. Jeff doesn’t know when to stop pushing, you know? He’ll push Mark, he’ll push about bookings, about getting a deal. There’s a way to do that without being obnoxious and I guess he just hasn’t really figured that out yet. I mean, the guy’s what, twenty four, twenty five now. I guess what else can he do except keep pushing, right?

The show is at a kinda redneck bar called the Molly Brown. Actual moose heads on the wall. It’s not the worst place we’ve ever played, but this isn’t really our crowd. Mark offers us all an x before we go on and everyone takes it except Jeff. Whatever. Everyone in the fucking bar is wearing flannel, drinking liquor. I get it - why Jeff left. I could see how a place like this could drag you down. 

I start feeling good when the bass kicks in during _Ain't Nothin' to Do._ I think my guitar is out of tune but fuck it, no one’s gonna care. Mark rips his head back and Jeff brings up his bass the exact same time; suddenly there’s blood everywhere, on the bass and on Mark. We don't stop playing. Bruce just starts laughing hysterically. Jeff stops, but I look at him like, _just keep going_. Mark doesn’t give a fuck. He smears the blood around his face. The crowd is moving closer to the stage to see the freak show. All our songs just kinda segue into each other. At some point Mark jumps off the tiny stage and starts dancing with this only semi hot girl, he nearly gets pushed over by some older guy. So much shit goes down at our shows, I’m just gonna stay on stage and let it happen. 

I start playing one of our new songs, _Search and Destroy._ Bruce falters a little, he’s probably forgotten it, he’s looking at me to see what I’m doing. Alex is playing out of time. Mark has the words down but it doesn’t really go anywhere. Pretty soon we’re just playing noise. Bruce just manically pressing his Big Muff, Mark screaming into the mic. The noise is all through my body, my fingers are moving on their own. I look over at Jeff, he's still trying to hold something together with this fucking song. I go over and I see he's watching what I’m doing, he’s trying to make sense of it. Then he’s playing with me. And it’s like it’s just me and him left in the room. I’m really locked into this. Wow, that’s .. not what I was expecting. 

When we get off, the guy who booked us comes back and tells us he's docking our pay because Mark smashed up his mic right at the end. I’m suddenly so tired. We haven’t slept more than a few hours since we left Seattle. So when Mark is like, “Let’s go jump in the river!” At first I’m like, _no way_. Then Jeff says he’s going back to the room, and no matter what just happened up there, do I wanna go back with Jeff and listen to him bitch again about how Alex always plays _Swallow My Pride_ too fast? Fuck that. 

We put all our gear back in the bus. It’s so cold in there because the windows were broken when we got it and we never got around to replacing them. Jeff goes back to the motel. We stumble along the highway, all of us somewhere between pumped and bone-tired - me, Mark, Bruce, Alex. We must look like we escaped from the fucking asylum at this point, there’s like, eyeliner down our faces, our clothes are ripped, I don’t even know how that happened. We find a high bank down to the rushing river. Mark rolls down it, yelling “FUCK LEWIS AND CLARK!” Which I just find so fucking funny. We like, run down this bank, our Chucks sliding on the wet grass.

We get to the edge of the water. A little deeper, it’s rushing by fast. We should not go in there. Like, someone’s gonna die. But Mark is a fucking wild man and he just wades right in, up to his waist, he’s shaking so hard, he screams at a pitch only dogs can hear when he feels how cold it is. We all stand there, ankle deep, the water seeping through our shoes, and we just laugh at him.

“Get in here, Stoney!”

“Not happening.”

“Are you gonna be a pussy all your life?”

I don’t even know what he means, really, because it’s Mark. He might mean, about the water. He might mean about my parents. Or about Alicia. Or even about Jeff. And I don’t want him to be right, I _don’t_ wanna be a pussy all my life, so I take off my shoes and leave them on the pebbles, then I go right out into the water, submerge myself in it. 

It’s like a wall of ice, filling my lungs, because I suddenly forget how to breathe - and then just as I feel it pulling me out into the deep, Mark’s dragging me back, he’s stronger than you’d think. He’s holding me up in the water, back from the current. 

“Ain’t I supposed to be the crazy one?” he says, and then he kisses me on the cheek - what the _fuck_ \- and we both crack up laughing as the other guys come and pull us both out.

I drip water all the way down the dark hallway of the motel, into our room- when I figure out how to get the damn door open. The lights are out and Jeff’s asleep. I take all my shit off in the bathroom and leave it on the floor, get in the shower and let it all run off me, the river water and dirt and sweat and whatever else. I don’t know how long I stay there. The warm water on my skin is everything I need, it feels so good. I feel like I haven’t been touched in forever. I feel like I’m not OK. Like I need something that’s good and, like, _reliable_ in my life, _fuck._ I think about Alicia. I want her so much, I’m hard just thinking about her. Why doesn’t she want me any more, what do I have to do? 

“Dude, it’s fucking 2.a.m! Cut it out!”

Jeff at the door, pissed. For someone who wants to be a rockstar so bad, he needs to get a fucking clue and stop playing Dad.

On the way back, the bus dies again. We all sit at the side of the road sharing one can of root beer, looking like hell. Yet again we’re all like, _why are we doing this._ We call our parents from a gas station that looks right out of The Hills Have Eyes. My dad wires us money to rent another van, I can tell it all doesn’t go down too well with him. 

Next, we’re meeting up with Soundgarden and Malfunkshun to play a show in Tacoma. 

We get there late. The place is this huge old dance hall, a giant crystal chandelier right over the dance floor. Cornell, Andy, they’re all backstage already getting fucked up, there’s random girls everywhere. No one I recognise. I did tell Alicia about this, didn’t I? But they’re not here. 

Fuck it. It’s a good night. Our record is in the can. There’s a label person coming. Jeff finally found someone who mattered that bought our hype. The atmosphere backstage, _Jesus._ All of us thinking: _so who’s the real star here_? And: _we better fucking pull this off_. It’s getting real. Susan, Soundgarden’s new manager - she’s total steel, she’s giving them a serious pep talk in-between beers. Should we be worried? More and more cans pile up, there’s the sound of guitars tuning. I should probably do that. 

But then Alicia, Grace and Meg walk in. Suddenly I feel so much better.

Chris yells, “The prodigal daughters!”

“We couldn’t find a fucking space to park,” Meg bitches, as they throw their jackets on the huge pile in the corner.

Alicia sees me. She doesn’t come over, just calls, “Do you own any other shirts, kid?” Because I’m wearing the Iggy Pop one again. 

Mark’s like, “He’s kinda like Winnie the Pooh, he just has like, a rack of those.” 

I ignore it- “Glad you came.”

“Just supporting the troops.”

She’s beautiful, the most beautiful girl here. And I suddenly get this real vivid image of the last time we’re together, it was some house party. Us in a random bedroom, away from the noise, she didn’t care if anyone could’ve walked in. Alicia coming so hard, soaking my fingers, her whole body shaking. Her hair spread out on the pillow like a halo. Moaning my name. Fuck, I can’t get turned on right now. I want to kiss her so much, in front of everyone. I don’t. 

Chris and Meg are talking about Ray’s Boathouse, doing impressions of some French guy. Susan watching them, I think she’s caught feelings for her boy there. Andy’s teasing Grace, she’s real cute when she blushes. Jeff and Matt from Soundgarden are hitting it off- it’s the most animated I’ve seen Jeff in a long time. Mark’s totally wired, he's drawing on himself with permanent marker, drawing the straight-edge sign, all over his arms. He’s wearing these silver pants and a black lace thing. I don’t even ask. Weirdly, the girls are all over it. I don’t know what it is about that guy, but he gets it. 

Some girl is talking to me, I’m looking at Alicia I can’t get that image out of my mind. She winks at me, then she just wanders away. She talks to everybody else. 

Then, the show is wild. The crowd is full of underage kids, slamming and screaming, getting on the stage. Soundgarden first. Cornell and Matt play shirtless from the start, the whole front row is just girls, girls, girls. They’re all like, hair and noise and sex and big riffs. Susan’s standing next to me watching them, she’s got the A&R woman on lock, we barely even got to say hi. Jeff’s hanging around in the back, waiting for his moment. He’s already pissed at Susan about it. And when Soundgarden stumble off stage, Susan literally pulls the A&R woman with them. We don’t see her again for the rest of the night. Anyone mentions Susan for a long time after that, Jeff fucking goes _off._

Malfunkshun play. They’re not tight like they used to be. But Andy can hold it together. He jumps right off the stage with his wireless bass, almost gets pulled to shreds. Kevin stops playing and pulls him back on. Andy just talks and jams for most of their slot. All of us at the side are creased up, he’s definitely a hard act to follow. 

And so just a couple songs into our set, Mark starts climbing the PA. 

I realise he’s going for this hanging fluoro ceiling lamp, but the ceiling’s really fucking high. When he gets up there- maybe twenty feet off the stage - he jumps, reaching for the lamp, mic in hand. He sings a fucking verse up there. Bruce is on his knees at this point and I realise his pants have juts split right open. We totally lose it, whatever we’re playing goes to shit. Mark jumps down and lands like a cat. This is what our shows are like. It’s just getting bigger and bigger, stupider and weirder. I can forget about everything up here. It’s like, the only thing that makes any sense to me, really.

**Alicia**

The record release party for _Dry as a Bone_ in _S_ eattle. It’s just… something else. Everyone’s here. Things are like, breaking apart; Mark is on fire. It’s like they’ve really reached that point where they’re actually _good_ , together, as a band. 

Bruce Pavitt comes up to me where I’m watching at the side of the stage and says, “Proud moment?” I just smile and roll my eyes, keep watching. It is though. They’re not even, like, throwing random shit at the audience or talking too much on stage, they don’t need to. And thank God, because Mark literally nearly killed himself climbing the PA at that show in Tacoma. 

Seems like there are a lot of girls at their shows these days. It kind of just makes me laugh. Jeff’s for sure enjoying that, I heard some rumors about him around town, apparently he’s pretty crazed in the sack. I wouldn’t mind testing that out one day if he would stop being so fucking terrified of me. 

When they get off stage, Stoney and Jeff and Bruce are just _surrounded_ by chicks. That’s OK. I wander over to the bar and talk to Andy. He seems a little out of it, to be honest. His eyes are wild, he looks like he hasn’t showered. He’s not doing his whole Landrew thing or what the fuck ever. 

“You know I’m gonna get those guys in my band,” he says.

I laugh out loud.

“The merger of the year: Green River and Malfunkshun.”

“It’s gonna be a total super-group.”

“Bruce is gonna cream himself.”

“For real, though. I need those guys. Stoney and Jeff. Then, it’s on.”

I mean, I don’t really think about it too much, he just seems strung out and full of shit. Green River have another tour coming up; they’re even going down to LA for the first time. And what are Malfunkshun doing? Not a fucking lot. Andy’s rehab stint a while back kinda took the wind out of their sails and they’ve never really got it back. Their whole stage persona thing is kind of hokey to me, also. The whiteface thing? Anyways, it’s all about Soundgarden and Green River right now. If Andy thinks he’s getting those boys out of their hot band, he definitely needs to lay off the drugs.

It’s kind of sexy, sure - Green River being the band everyone wants a piece of. Plus the fact that Stone still just keeps looking over at me, trying to talk to me, despite all those other chicks. When he asks me to go home with him, I say OK - even though I’ve steered clear of that for a while. I’ve turned him down a few times, but he’s clearly pretty fucking persistent. 

All the way back he keeps wanting to talk about the band and what I thought about them, did I think they had got better, did I like the distortion or was it too much, did I think they should ask labels to their West Coast shows? _Sure, whatever._ In the end I just have to kiss him to shut him up.

“Stop talking about Green River right now, OK?” 

“OK.”

And it’s a little weird, because the last time I was in his bedroom I think I was about ten years old, and he still had the same KISS poster on his wall. But I’m into it. He’s drunk, intense, so pretty. But I don’t want him to kiss me like that, tell me how beautiful I am or whatever. I just want to _fuck._

It’s weird, though - nothing’s really working for me. I took an x with Mark earlier and I guess it’s wearing off. I just want to _feel_ something _._ I feel like I’m only half there, like there’s something inbetween us. I need to get out of my head. I probably shouldn’t have done this. I try and get him to be more rough, he’s not getting it though.

_“_ Stoney..I need it… harder… like, _hurt me._ ”

He stops - breathless, really turned on, but he’s saying - “This is too much.”

“What is?”

“ _This._ I can’t… _.”_

“ _I’m_ too much?”

He shakes his head, slowly. “I don’t want it like this.”

“Don’t be a pussy.” 

The mood is totally gone. 

He says, “Just, _stop_ -”

“I’m done.” I try to move. 

But he makes me look at him, and then he says it.

“I fucking love you.”

I freeze.

“I _love_ you,” he says again.

And I know he means it. I know, because I know him. I’ve known him my whole life.

“What - what do you-“

We stare at each other. I’ve never seen him like this ever before.

“Please, just... _Jesus,_ I don’t know. Just... _let me_ love you.” 

His eyes, man.

“Please.”

Something new - but it’s also like it's been there the whole time. As familiar as any part of me. 

I feel like I’m watching it from a distance. Is that my heart, unfolding like origami in my chest? 

And then I can’t stop the tears from coming. I feel like a whole person, all of a sudden. My heart, so full. _I feel safe. I feel safe. I feel safe._

He’s still inside me, I pull him close and he moves, slow. I really feel it. We’re both trembling a little. He tells me again and again that he loves me. When I come, it’s like letting go of something.

I don’t know how long we stay like that. All night.

_But_

_I_

_can’t._

_I just-_

_can’t._

The next morning I get up when he’s still asleep. I try not to look at him, how perfect he is. Because I know I’d stay, this would all just carry on, and then it’d be too late for me.

I pull on my clothes, ready to leave without saying goodbye. But then he stirs awake and he looks at me, figures it out, sits up immediately. 

“Leesh, what are you-“ 

I ignore it. 

“Don’t-“

He gets up and comes to me. _He loves me_. I see it, I feel it. 

“Stoney-”

“You gonna do this now? After-“

“I need to think.”

“About _what_?”

“Just... let me go.”

He opens his mouth, I know he’s gonna say it again, and I shake my head - ”I know, OK?” 

He looks so sad. I kiss him. I want him to know - I’m really sorry I’m like this.

And of _course_ , on my way out I run into his mom - which is just _painful,_ because she looks real happy to see me.

“Oh! _Alicia_ , what are you- uh… How are you?”

“I’m good. Thank you.” I do my best smile, feeling so awkward. She just smiles back, she has his eyes.

“I, um, I gotta… It’s nice seeing you,” I stumble.

“You too, honey.”

She watches me go. I pull my hand through my messy hair, keep my head down. 

Next time I see Stone is at the Vogue, or somewhere. Meg’s still trying to hook Cornell - it’s almost embarrassing, really. I’m thinking, _I’m never gonna act like that over a guy._ I dance all night so me and Stone cann’t talk, I’m ragged by the end of it. 

Regan’s all over me, I mean, maybe the whole Green River thing is kinda shitty for those guys in Malfunkshun and that could have something to do with it, he needs the ego boost, or... Anyway I have to say he looks pretty good, he’s been working out or something. Andy pulls me aside and tells me Regan’s really into it. I know Stone’s watching, and I know I’m being a fucking bitch - but I ignore him, thinking, _you better give me the space I need._ He thinks he’s such hot shit because he’s in a cool band right now.

Then, Regan and I do shots. Kiss messily in a corner. Things happen. I mean, I’m drunk. He’s nothing like Stoney, but that’s good. It’s totally nothing, and I like it.

Stone won’t talk to me for a while, and then he goes ahead and fucks my best friend at a party in the woods. I don’t care much. He shouldn’t use Grace like that, but if he thinks it’s gonna get to me, he’s wrong. Things are weird for a while, then they’re not anymore. 

And what do you know, Andy gets his wish. Green River crash and burn right as their record is about to hit the shelves. Long story short, I guess Stone and Jeff are pissed that the other guys don’t dig Jane’s Addiction as much as them, which is just… _so_ Green River, I swear to God. What a car crash, start to fucking finish. And then, Mother Love Bone happens. 

Everyone wants to fuck Stone now anyway, which is fine. I watch and listen and hook up with other people and hang out, and I’m fine.

And that’s pretty much it; until he tries to open the whole stupid box again one night outside the OK Hotel and I panic and tell him he needs to stop pressuring me, that he _really_ needs to move on - and I have this pretty, cool new friend called Sara who I want him to meet. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Back in 1989 Ohio now, with Sara :)

**SARA**

In the end, I wasn’t even at the hospital when he died. I was in Kroger. Buying baloney and pickles to make lunch. My mom would eat half a sandwich, maybe less, but I didn’t want to see her fading like this. Also, I needed to get out of the house. I was going a little crazy and it had only been a week. 

I took my time, took way too long, checking out every aisle, considering buying a cheesy Cleveland Indians hat. I couldn’t help noticing how different people were here, from Seattle. I felt like a visitor or something, not someone who’d been born and bred here. I felt less like my self. I pulled my big coat over my ripped jeans and Cult shirt- the one I was wearing the night of the Mother Love Bone show. That seemed like a long time ago. 

On the way home in the car, I listened to the news. It was still all about the Wall coming down in Germany. I realised I didn’t know much about that at all. I never really read about the world, I’d never been anywhere. Certainly not outside the US. I had this feeling that I should be thinking more about my life, doing more to make it happen. That reminded me of the Sub Pop job Grace talked about, they probably found someone already. It would’ve been cool.

When I got home my mom’s car wasn’t there. I didn’t think a lot of it, put the groceries away. Watched the light snow fall. But when I got around to checking the messages on the machine, there was one from her. Her voice thick and muffled by tears. 

“He’s gone, baby. You need to come to the hospital. Call a cab.”

I just sat down on the couch. Felt it sag under me, the springs digging into my thighs. Around me, the room was still exactly the same as always. His chair, the one we were never allowed to sit in, closest to the electric fire. The photos on the walls - my strained smile at graduation, me as a toddler on his shoulders at Mount Rushmore. Him as a young man in uniform - a smile I can’t remember at all, whoever he used to be. This room - all the rooms- - all had been a place of feeling scared, sad, small. He could fill the whole room with his loud voice and his anger. And now it was just me, and he was gone. The familiar sounds of the house all around me, the click of the old heating system, the faint drip of the kitchen tap. The only one missing, the loud tick of the clock that always sat on the mantel. Mom said he’d come home and smashed it the day he got his diagnosis. Not so long ago. Life happens so fast sometimes.

I put my coat back on and called a cab. I went to say goodbye. 

I can’t talk about this too much. Even now. 

I had his Purple Heart medal from Vietnam in my pocket, I finally found it at the back of a drawer in the basement when I was cleaning yesterday. And I took it out and pinned it on his chest. I told him - _I forgive you, Daddy. I hope you found some peace at last._ Sometimes I think he never stopped fighting that war, the one from before I was even born. 

And then I came home, and I booked a flight back to Seattle. I just had to go. I had to go on with my life. When I told my mom, her face crumpled and I just left the room. It was always gonna be messy.

Later, I picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey. I’m really sorry - did I wake you?” 

My voice was trembling a little. I still felt like I was in a kind of dream. 

“Oh, no. No, it’s good. Hey, Sara.”

His voice was soft and comforting on the other line. 

“I’m really sorry, Jeff… could you come get me from the airport on Saturday? I asked Meg, but she’s, um, going to LA or something. Alicia isn’t answering the phone. I just, I really need, to not… be…” I started crying and i cringed inside. 

“Sara- god, are you OK? Your dad- what’s-“

“He died.” I said it - and it made it somehow real. He sighed really heavily on the other end.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, baby, I- fuck, I’m just so sorry.”

“It’s OK, I’m OK, I - i just need to get home.”

“Of course. Whatever you need. Gimme the details.” 

He was calm, he soothed me. He didn’t push or ask too many questions. Before we hung up he said:

“Its gonna be OK. I promise.” 

I wondered if he was right. 

The next few days passed in a blur. Helping my mom, rushing the plans for the cremation, trying to find people who would come. Holding her when she needed it. Cleaning everything. Clearing out his closet, even though she said it was too soon, I shouldn’t trouble myself. 

Grace, Meg and Jeff all called me the night before the funeral. Meg was in LA, on a pastry course her work paid for. She made me laugh talking about the kids with huge hair who walked up and down the Strip like it was their own personal catwalk, and how she’d talked her way into the Whiskey and spotted Nikki Sixx going into the VIP room. She was staying with some guy friend called Jack, I couldn’t figure out if it was a “thing” or not. He’d been in a band called the Chili Peppers that I’d vaguely heard of, though he’d left now. It was good to talk about music and dumb shit again. 

I tried Alicia one more time before I went to bed. I wanted to make things ok with us. She was the reason I had friends in Seattle; she was kind of everything I ever wanted to be. And I needed some of her mojo right now. 

She picked up.

“Hey, Leesh.”

“Sara?” 

“Yeah.”

“Oh, man.” She didnt say anything for a moment. “I’ve been meaning to call you. Uh, Grace told me. I’m so fucking sorry, dude.”

“Thanks.” I felt the tears prick behind my eyes again. It was good to talk to her. 

“It sucks. I know you weren’t close to him, but it still sucks.”

“Yeah.”

I heard her exhale on the other end. “Thing is, though - he hurt you. And you don’t ever have to be ok with that. You don’t have to like, forgive him. He was the parent. He fucked up. And just because someone’s your dad, or your fucking boyfriend, or what the fuck ever - no one has the right to do that to you. _He_ didn’t have the right, and nobody else does. OK?”

I was surprised. I’d never heard her talk like this before. 

“Yeah.”

“Promise me you’re not gonna forget that.”

I felt her strength come travelling thousands of miles through the wires. 

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

I listened to her breathing, pictured her looking perfect as ever, sitting in front of her mirror. “How have you been? I couldn’t get a hold of you…”

“I’ve been better. But it’s, whatever.”

“Meg said you guys went to some, um, Mother Love Bone thing?” 

I regretted it as soon as I said it, sending that Jeff and Stone were a weird subject for us right now. Alicia was the kind of person who knew way more than she let on.

“Yeah, we did. It was kind of bullshit. I mean, with Andy gone, who even knows what’s gonna happen.” She paused, then- “Stone’s all kinds of fucked up about it. Never thought he had the range.”

I felt a pang of sadness for him. “That sucks. Look out for him.” 

Again, I regretted it as soon as I said it, because she immediately tensed.

“Well, he’s _my_ friend, so…”

“Right, um. Yeah.”

An awkward silence.

“Listen, I gotta go. When’s the funeral? I’ll send flowers.”

“Oh, no. That’s OK It’s just tomorrow. I’m back in Seattle tomorrow night, maybe we could-“

“Sure. I’ll call you. Good luck tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

I hardly slept that night. I think I dreamed about Jeff - that night when I felt so safe wrapped up in him. I woke up feeling weirdly comforted. I looked around my bare childhood room and thought, he’s gone. He’s really gone. It was a strange thing, and I wondered if I’d ever get used to it.

I wore a shitty old black dress of my moms to the cremation. Hardly anyone was there. One of my dads cousins, a couple of his bar buddies who wouldn’t meet my moms eye. A coworker or two from the meat packing plant where he worked all my life. When people said a few words, no one mentioned Vietnam, or his medal. I stood up right at the end, even though I wasn’t supposed to. 

“My dad was a survivor. He didn’t have an easy life. And he made a lot of mistakes. But he also was brave, and he lived a life. He got a Purple Heart when he was twenty three years old.” I stared round at all their faces. “He had courage. I wanted to say that.”

My mom gripped my hand when I came to sit back down. She was crying. But I didn’t cry any more. I was ready to go home. 

I took one of her Xanax before I went to the airport. Hugged her hard, told her she had to come to Seattle, and soon. There was so much between us but we didn’t say it. I felt like if we did, I might never be able to leave. 

I felt the medication sink into my blood as I went through security, drank a gross cup of coffee, waited for the plane. I realised I hadn’t thought about Stone in a while. I hadn’t spoken to him since before all this happened, when he was still in Mount Rainier.

I got on the plane and slept all the way to Seattle.

Jeff was waiting when I came through Arrivals. When I saw him, my heart did this weird thing. I felt calm just from seeing him. He gave me a hug and I breathed him in, he smelled amazing. 

“Hey,” he said softly. 

“Thanks for coming.”

He took my stuff and we walked to the van. It made me laugh, in spite of how weird everything was- Jeff driving the Mother Love Bone van to come pick me up. “It’s the full groupie experience,”he joked. I was grateful to just laugh. He held my hand a minute before we left. It made me want to cry again. 

“It’s so beautiful in the snow,”I said, watching it fall as we drove up the 509. The air here was so crisp. It felt cleansing. 

Jeff smiled. “You should see Montana this time of year. That’s something. You have to dig yourself out of your house sometimes. It’s like a Hallmark card, or…” he tailed off. “I mean, I haven’t been back for Christmas in a while, but snow is pretty much a given.”

“I’ve only seen it in movies. Looks pretty.”

He glanced at me. “You want to talk about, um, your dad? I mean, I get it if you don’t. But if you do, I’ll listen.”

“I found his medal from Vietnam,” I said, staring out of the window at the approaching city, twinkling in the growing twilight. “He was sent home with shell shock. I think he saved somebody’s life. I never even knew that.”

“Wow, thats-“

“Yeah.” I swallowed. “I guess it kind of explains a lot to me. I wish, I don’t know. I wish he had… got help.”

“You couldn’t have done anything,” Jeff said. His hand reached for mine, brushed it gently. I let him. 

“Yeah, I know. I just feel… mixed up. Like he kind of stole my life too. He messed me up. I ended up with a guy who treated me like I wasn’t worth shit, and I ended up here, and it feels like I have no idea what to do next.”

“God, i get that,” Jeff said, and I looked at him in surprise. He grinned wryly. “I still feel that way. If Love Bone doesn’t work out, I have no fucking idea anymore. I don’t think anyone really knows what to do next. I don’t know if that helps, but… you’re not alone.”

“If it doesn’t work out?” I must have sounded pretty surprised.

“Ah, I don’t know. I think I said to you before. You just gotta have hope.” He sighed. “Me and Stone fought again at the goddamn rehab centre. Not in front of Andy, least. Andy, he seemed… well, I don’t know. He seemed like he was holding back on us. I’ve known the guy five years or something now and I can’t figure him out. Still can’t.”

I stayed quiet. He looked at me. 

“Enough of my shit. I just hope you’re doing OK.”

I nodded. We didn’t talk much til we got to my apartment. The lights were on; Lil had to be home. We sat there a while. 

“It’s good to see you,” he said.

“You too.” And it really was. 

“I, um - I wanted to say, I thought about you while you were gone.”

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. 

“Can I, like - kiss you?”

He sounded nervous. I didn’t reply, I couldn’t think what to do. What did I decide? Nothing, except to just try and do the right thing.

“I’m sorry. That was…. I don’t even know why I said that.” 

I reached for his hand. “No. It’s ok. You can.”

He looked at me for a moment, then leaned in and kissed me. It was gentle and amazing, and I felt myself relax. I shifted closer in the front seat of the van and pulled him to me, feeling his muscles under his sweater. He cupped my cheek with his hand, his thumb gently stroking. I could’ve stayed there forever. I wanted more, to be honest. Being with Jeff was bringing me back to life. He was safe and lovely and kind. He was a lot of the things I had been looking for my whole life. I ran my hand over his chest and down - but he stopped me, breathing a little harder. 

“Hey, we probably, um.. shouldn’t. Not when you’re feeling like this.” His eyes were such an amazing blue. “Is that OK? I just, I know this is a tough time. You look like you need some rest and stuff. But maybe we could hang out in the week?”

I stared at him, trying not to blush. He was right. It still felt a little weird. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“It’s really not that I don’t want to,” he said quickly. “I mean, it’s pretty much been on my mind since that night, uh-“ He smiled shyly and I had to laugh. “I just want you to be OK.”

“Ok.”

He nodded, and we broke apart. He went to get my suitcase out of the car. I said I could handle it inside, but he lingered there with me, brushed snowflakes off my hair where they fell. 

“Get some sleep, huh?”

“Thanks, Jeff. Seriously, thank you. For today, and… You’re really cool.” 

He grinned, it was what he’d said to me that time before. It was kind of lame, and totally appropriate. 

“OK. Goodnight.” 

And then he kissed me again. I felt really… calm. Not butterflies. Not anxious. Just calm, and ready to go forward. 

I waved at him as he started the van, watched it slowly drive down the street. 

He wasn’t complicated. Things didn’t have to be complicated. I was going to uncomplicate them.


	26. Chapter 26

I woke up the next morning and got straight out of bed, not lingering under the covers like usual. Feeling OK - but with that strange dull feeling somewhere deep inside, that I recognised as my kind of grief. I’d tacked the photograph of my father, beautiful in his GI uniform, on my noticeboard. It felt important, and I wanted to see it every day.

As requested Lil had deleted my messages, she summarised them kind of vaguely as I made a cup of tea. 

“So your boss called - she said she wants you to work tomorrow. And then you got a message from Grace? Saying she missed you and stuff, and to call her, because of some job thing? Also, there was a message from a guy. He was like, hope you’re OK, glad you’re back in Seattle and stuff.”

I looked up from my tea cup. “What guy?”

“Uh, I think-“

I was literally on tenterhooks. She frowned. “Oh. The one with the weird name. Rock?”

I smiled, shook my head. “Stone.”

“Same difference.”

“When did he call?” I felt kind of nervous just thinking about it.

“Oh, jeez. It would’ve been a few days back I think. Sorry- I’ve been crazy the past week or two with deadlines.”

“Thanks.” I thought of something else then. “What about my, um- ex? You remember that guy who was hanging around. He didn’t pop up again?”

“Nope. You must’ve scared him off.” She finished her breakfast and put her bowl in the sink. “I gotta go, I have a pottery class before my seminar.” I raised my eyebrow at her and she chuckled. “It’s pretty cool. I’m making an expressive vase.”

“Right.” I watched her slim form as she whisked around the apartment grabbing her stuff, then out. She was so goddamn together. That was what I wanted to be from now on. At least we were on a little better terms now. I mean, I didn’t think she was going to come and slam dance with me at the Vogue, but baby steps. I smiled at the expressive pottery class, thinking Jeff would get a kick out of it. _Jeff._ I thought about the kiss last night, and I picked up the phone.

It rang out. I guess he was at work, it was morning. I left a message.

“Hey. It’s Sara. Um, I just wanted to say thank you for the ride last night. The, uh, ride from the airport that is. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out. I don’t have work, so if you get this and you’re free, call me.” I suddenly hoped I didn’t sound too eager. “Or, if you’re busy, it’s fine. Anyway. See you.” 

I put down the phone and slightly cringed. I guessed Grace was at work, but I could work on my resume for the Sub Pop job, it sounded like it might still be open. If there was one thing I knew for sure, it was that I needed to stop coasting in my life.

I sat down at the ancient typewriter in my room. It had belonged to my grandfather, and you had to really hammer the keys, but it was going to have to suffice. I typed my full name: SARA ANN WELLER at the top. Then just sat there staring at the blank page. I wasn’t exactly sure what to put. I got OK grades in high school. Wrote for the school paper. I’d worked in two thrift stores and a skate shop. I liked going out and getting drunk and dancing with my friends, reading and writing. That was pretty much it. I mean, it wasn’t like I was gonna blow them away. I didn’t know a lot about Sub Pop but my friends talked about it a lot; they said Bruce and Jonathan, the guys who ran it, were pretty big players in the scene. They’d been the first to jump on Soundgarden, plus Stone and Jeff’s old band Green River, and some of the new stuff that was getting buzz - Nirvana, Mudhoney. Was I even cool enough to work there? I stared at the page some more. 

I typed some stuff about my skills in customer service and my attention to detail. It just seemed so lame. The photo of my dad caught my eye, then; and I remembered. I had to stop doubting myself. I filled in the rest of my resume and then carefully pulled it out of the typewriter, placed it in a plastic wallet. 

Feeling accomplished, I put on a record - my current favorite, Sonic Youth’s Daydream Nation. Grace had turned me on to them, and listening to Kim Gordon’s voice always relaxed me. I lay on my bed thinking, enjoying the peace of the apartment. When thoughts of my dad crept in, I let them be, stayed in them and let them pass, tried to think of something good. 

I thought about snow in Seattle, vintage shopping with Grace on Pike Street, the heavy mix tapes Meg made me even though I kept telling her I wasn’t really a metal girl. Then I thought about kissing Jeff. And then, for the first time in a while, I thought about Stone. Like I’d been just trying not to think about it, but now, lying here, it was all I could think of. That last night we spent together before things got even more weird: the way he held my wrists above my head, edging me with his fingertips, how sexy he was without even trying, in a way that totally thrilled me. I suddenly felt really turned on, and confused thinking about it. Suddenly all I wanted to do was call him and just tell him to come over. 

Since our phone short conversation a couple of weeks back, I’d wanted to see him. I knew he wasn’t really OK; Alicia and Jeff had both said as much. I should have just called him before. I rolled out of bed again, went in the shower and did laundry. Watched some daytime game show for a while, getting all the answers wrong.

The phone rang, and I rushed for it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, I just picked up your message. I was working the early. Um, apparently Andy’s back in town in a couple days. Stone told me. So hopefully I won’t have to do a lot more of those shifts, they’re fucking killer.” It was Jeff.

“Oh, you were working with Stone?” Trying to keep a neutral tone.

“Yeah, it’s not like I spend enough time with the guy already.”

“That’s great about Andy.”

“I mean, yeah. So - you want to do something? I actually have to go see our manager really quick to drop off some t-shirt designs, but he’s cool, you can come with, or-“

“Oh, OK. Wait, is that at Sub Pop?” 

I still couldn’t quite keep all the labels and stuff straight. 

He chuckled, I wondered why. Some history there. 

“Nah, our manager’s a guy called Kelly. We’re with PolyGram. But he actually still works out of the office next door to Sub Pop.”

“No way - I just did a resume for them. Grace told me about a job there. Would it be cool if I bring it along, I can drop it in while you’re doing your thing?”

“Uh, sure. Wow, that’s awesome. You had enough of the thrift store life?”

“I mean, there’s only so many old Equal Rights Washington t-shirts you can fold in a lifetime before you start to question whether this is really the best use of your time.”

“Well, good for you. Bruce is great, he was real supportive of us back in Green River. You’ll like him. You want to meet me there? It’s right by Pike Place.” I scribbled the address on a post-it and stuck it in my pocket. “Then I have an idea of what we can do.”

I was pretty intrigued. After I hung up, I questioned my outfit a few times, put on a little more mascara, shoved the folder with my resume in my messenger bag then caught the bus into town. It reminded me again of Stone - kissing him on a bus late at night, completely full of anticipation, my ears still ringing from the Mother Love Bone show. And that made me think of them on stage, Andy so luminous and funny and powerful, Stone and Jeff… I stared out of the window at the passing vegan cafe, the Catholic church, the little park with the ancient swings where kids played. 

“Pike Place Market,” called the driver.

It was the same stop I’d gotten off at with Stone that night. Everything looked really different in the daytime. 

I got out the Post-it note and compared the address to the street map on the bus stop. I’ve always sucked at directions. In the end I asked a disgruntled-looking business guy to point me in the right direction, and ended up outside a low rise building at the corner of the Market. There was a door with handwritten labels by the buzzer. One said: DO-RITE WASTE SOLUTIONS. The one underneath: SUB POP, and in tiny letters scribbled next to it: CURTIS MANAGEMENT.

“Hey.”

I turned round and smiled to see Jeff. He was wrapped up against the cold in a woolly hat and jacket, and he looked cute. But then when he stepped towards me and kissed me firmly, his hand in my hair, I thought, yeah, he’s pretty sexy too. 

“Hey,” I said, smiling against his lips. 

“I’m glad you called. How’ve you been? OK? I mean, I know I just saw you last night but-” 

I smiled and nodded, and he seemed relieved. He took in my parka with the giant furry hood. 

“You look real cute, I’m sorry but I really need to do this again.” 

He kissed me again, lingeringly, and I felt myself melt into it. Someone walking by whistled and I gently pushed him away, giggling.

“OK. I’m all set now.” He smiled. “Uh, so, the first thing you need to know about Sub Pop is, don’t mention Mother Love Bone. We’re the sell-outs. The second thing is, you need to be super interested in how Mudhoney and Soundgarden are doing in Europe. Or on second thoughts, don’t — you’ll literally never get to leave. Just say how much you love “Bleach”.”

“Nirvana, right?” 

I’d seen it in a couple of record stores, seen them on posters and stuff.

He nodded. “See, you’re Seattle now.”

“Nah, I’m still Cleveland. Rock n roll capital of the world, y’know.” 

He chuckled and buzzed the Sub Pop button. There was a long pause, then a crackle of static, a man’s voice. 

“Yeah, this is Sub Pop.”

“Hey, Jon. I’m here to see Kelly actually, it’s Jeff.”

“OK, come in man.” 

There was a short, sharp buzz and Jeff pushed the door. The stairwell was freezing and echoey. We went up two flights to a landing where there were two doors leading off. One door had a proper sign, S U B P O P in bold letters. The other had a piece of card with KELLY CURTIS MANAGEMENT written in Sharpie. 

“You wanna come say hi?”Jeff asked.

“Oh- I don’t-“

“It’s cool.” He banged on Kelly Curtis’ door, and a yell came from inside: “Coming!” 

It opened after a moment. A little older guy with kind of long hair and a beard stood there, looking stressed out. He looked at me, then Jeff.

“Hey, man. I brought those designs over. Uh, this is my… friend Sara. She’s actually going for a job at Sub Pop, so…”

“Oh, you brought the enemy?” Kelly’s eyes twinkled and I couldnt help laughing despite feeling a little self conscious. “Hi Sara. You’ll have to excuse the mess in here, we’re trying to get everything cleared up before Christmas. Come in.” 

We went in to the small, chaotic office. There was a portable heater running, papers and cardboard boxes everywhere. On a large noticeboard were some blown-up photos of the Mother Love Bone guys in black and white. I tried not to notice the ones of Stone. I hadn’t seen him in a while. Damn, he was pretty. Kelly saw me looking.

“You like these? Charles, um, Charles Peterson took them. They’d sent some guy from LA but he just didnt get the guys at all. We’re trying to persuade PolyGram to go with these.” 

I stared at Andy. His eyes just grabbed you. “They’re really cool. Actually my friend works with Charles sometimes.” Kelly raised an eyebrow, seeming impressed.

“Here’s the designs,” Jeff said, pulling a folder out of his backpack. He spread them out over a clear bit of surface. “Like a silk screen thing, with the flyer from the Central show. I thought it looked kinda cool. And, or, maybe like- Andy’s face coming out of a star shape. And then like text at the back, I wrote a few ideas down.”

I watched Kelly, who was nodding. Nothing in the office said “hot major label band” to me at all; the different photos and flyers and concept art all seemed to contradict, there was a huge line all through the past and upcoming weeks on the calendar including struck-through show dates. TACOMA. PORTLAND. MOORE THEATER. There was a stack of unopened mail on the table and I saw Kelly had taken the phone off the hook. It had to be stressful for all of them, including their manager. 

“- so he’s gonna be back, but he’s not, like, _back._ He’s gonna be carrying on with therapy, just getting right, y’know. The shows can’t happen.”

Kelly nodded at what Jeff was saying. I knew they were talking about Andy. 

“Photoshoots? He can do press stuff, or-“

“Uh, yeah I mean potentially. Stone said he’d handle whatever he can.”

“You guys saw him last week?”

“Yeah, maybe a little more than a week ago. You been up there?”

“I’m actually going to fetch him on Tuesday,” Kelly said, his lips a thin line.

Jeff nodded. “That’s good. I think Cornell is gonna get him to move in.”

“That’s right. Chris is a good guy. You know how they went down in Europe?”

Jeff grinned. “I hear it’s been pretty wild. Him and Mark tearin’ it up.”

“We’ll get there too,”Kelly said firmly, patting Jeff on the shoulder. I guess it was tough for Jeff to see his friends off on tour while things had stalled for him. 

“Hey, I gotta take Sara next door, but let me know on the designs, man. Any changes or whatever. I can make some mockups if you want.” 

We said goodbye to Kelly then went across the hall to knock on the Sub Pop door, which was opened by a very young looking girl with dyed bright red hair, wearing a t-shirt which I realised had Stone and Jeff’s faces on it in outline, I did a double take and Jeff laughed. 

“Man, you still have these lying around?” 

She recognised him and blushed bright red, mumbled something and scuttled off to carry on assembling CDs. I realised it was an old Green River shirt. Jeff and Stone looked so different, I couldn’t quite get my head around it. 

Inside the Sub Pop office was slightly more organised chaos: piles of CDs, mail and crazy noticeboards packed with stuff, but there were a couple of young people working at desks, actual computers, and some framed records on the wall. Two cool-looking guys stood deep in conversation at the biggest desk as they peered at some documents. They looked up when we came over.

“Jeff! How goes it, man? Heard the record’s due in the new year.” The guy with dark hair stood up, offered Jeff a firm handshake. 

“That’s the plan. I’m good, y’know. In the circumstances.” Jeff motioned to me. “This is Sara. Grace Oluwa’s friend, um- works with Charles?” The guy nodded. 

“Grace told me about a job here?”i asked, trying not to sound too nervous. 

The other guy spoke up from his place behind the desk. “You’re a writer?”

I stared at him. “Uh, kind of…”

“Grace told me about you. She said you’re great. I’m Bruce by the way. This is Jonathan. And this is our little ship. You got a resume?” 

I nodded, pulled it out and handed it over. Bruce scanned it, inscrutable, then handed it to Jonathan, who looked at it for a moment, then at me, hard. I was aware of Jeff watching too, and felt super self conscious.

“Here’s the thing, we need someone who speaks very fluent bullshit,” Jon said with a sardonic grin. “We have some hot bands, we just need someone who can talk to the press, handle releases and stuff, I mean, you have no experience-“ he looked at my resume again “- _at all_ , but why don’t you give us like 300 words on “Bleach” and let’s see what you got.”

I stared at him. “Um- like, a test?”

“Drop it in by Friday. If it’s good you can start after Christmas.”

“OK, I will.” 

Bruce scrabbled in a box behind his desk and came up with a CD- black and white sleeve, NIRVANA across the front. “Here’s the record. You know it?”

“Uh-“ I remembered what Jeff said. “Yeah, it’s awesome.”

Jon smiled, like he thought I might be bullshitting, but then he did say that was what the job required. To me, Nirvana seemed like a kind of lame band name, but next to Mother Love Bone it was probably sophisticated. That just made me think of when I first met Stone and how I’d dissed the band name. I smiled involuntarily, and Jon’s eyebrows flickered, wondering what the joke was.

“Thank you so much for this,” I said quickly. “I’ll get you the words by Friday.”

“Great. Oh, Jeff- we found a ton of old Green River t-shirt stock. You guys want to like, try and use them in some way? You could maybe just, um- superimpose Andy’s face over Mark’s.”

I couldn’t tell if Jon was joking or not; that weird tension I sometimes felt in Seattle. The whole scene seemed so incestuous, like there was all this history and inside jokes and old scores. Jeff just grinned.

“That could work,” he said. “Or y’know, you could just hold like a ritual bonfire or something.”

Bruce and Jon laughed. “These guys nearly sunk us,” Bruce said to me, motioning to Jeff. “Turned in the master tape then it’s, we’re breaking up. Whatcha gonna do?”

“Oh, wow.” I couldn’t think what else to say. I would have to get a primer on this situation from my friends, I knew they’d been around the guys in the Green River days.

“You friends with Alicia Darcy?”he asked then, frowning slightly. I nodded. “Stone’s little groupie,” he said aside to Jon.

I stared at him a second. Not really getting it. 

“Um, what?”

Bruce chuckled, shook his head. “Nothing. Inside joke. Always thought that girl was too smart for Seattle.”

“Uh… yeah. Well, she’s still in Seattle,” I said, not sure what to say. And his words kept going round in my head. 

“Very much still in Seattle,” Jeff said wryly. “Anyway, we gotta run. Good to see you guys.” He smiled at the red haired girl, who blushed the same colour as her hair, and we wandered out. 

“I don’t think Alicia would like that label too much,” I said, trying to keep it light. 

Jeff chuckled. “God, she’s a trip. If anything though, it's the other way around.”

“What is?”

“Oh, nothin’.” He opened the door and we stepped out into the cold air. “So, uh- this is a kind of left field idea, but I thought we could walk to the Seattle Center, it’s a nice walk and there’s always something going on there.”

We walked slowly through Belltown, talking about all kinds of stuff, ducking into a couple of the stores to look at the Christmas stuff. We talked about our parents, our friends. About art and all the kind of creative stuff I didn’t really have anyone else to talk to about. 

The city was beautiful, getting darker early with all the Christmas lights coming on, people Christmas shopping. I’d asked my mom to come to Seattle for Christmas, but she wouldn’t. We crossed over Broad Street and walked past the Science Center and the Space Needle, passing some cheesy funfair that was already blaring out tinny Christmas music, the rides spinning colorfully in the growing afternoon twilight. I grimaced and Jeff laughed. “You’re not into it?”

“My dad used to make us go to the Ohio State Fair every year.” I felt a pang when I thought of him. Tried to think of something funny. “I always remember getting super sick from eating too much funnel cake. And then just going on the coaster anyway.”

“Ohh, sure that was nice.”

“Yeah, it was… messy at times.” 

I let him lead me over to one of the stalls where you could win a giant, tacky Care Bear toy if you shot two out of three hoops. “Jeff-“

“I’m gonna get you one of those bears.”

“Yeah, really? These things are totally rigged-“

“Trust me.” He paid two dollars for one go, and took a step back, pacing himself. I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“OK, I have faith in you.”

“I was like, fifth reserve in high school, I got this,” he said, his eyes twinkling. He took a shot, and it bounced off the hoop.

“Aww.”

“Just warming up.” He took another shot and it went right through the hoop. _“Yes!”_

“Nice work!”

“OK, this is the money shot now.”

The kid running the stall, a kind of goth kid with dyed black hair, chuckled and stood back to watch. “You got this, man.”

Jeff took the shot and it was a perfect slam dunk. 

“Ament! That was amazing!”I said, admiring his strong arm. He high fived me, then the kid on the stall, who slightly nervously said: 

“Nicely done dude. Hey, I, uh, I saw you guys play at the Moore last year. I play bass too, um… You gonna do any more shows soon?”

I saw something flicker across Jeff’s face, but only for a moment. His easy smile. 

“Thanks, yeah, probably like, January.”

“Rad. OK, so what toy you want?”

I scanned the hanging Care Bears. They were all hideous, but I had to pick one. 

“How about this guy?” Jeff said, pointing at the day-glo orange one, with yellow flowers on his stomach. “What is that, like, Nature Bear?”

I smiled. “Uh, I think that’s… Friend Bear.” Jeff raised his eyebrows and I grinned. “Shut up, I had a phase in elementary school.”

“OK, so, you want Friend Bear?”

I looked at it for a minute, then at Jeff. 

“Sure.”

“She wants the orange guy.”

The kid hooked it down and handed it to me. It was huge and squishy, nearly half my height. “Uh, wow.”

“Have a good night you guys,” the kid said.

“Keep up with the bass, dude.” 

Jeff and I walked through the stalls, my ears ringing with Christmas “classics” by the Chipmunks and the Jackson Five. Friend Bear clung unwieldy to my arm. I wanted to get away from the noise and all the people suddenly. We were coming up to a ferris wheel; it looked kind of dangerous, granted, but I wanted to see what the city looked like from above, get out of the fray.

“Can we?”

Jeff looked up at the highest cabs on the ferris wheel. “Uh, you think it’s like- certified safe?”

“Probably not. Wait, are you scared of heights?!”

“Absolutely, one hundred percent. Not scared of heights.”

I held out Friend Bear. “You think the three of us can fit?”

“I mean, three’s a crowd, but-“

We paid for our tickets and got in line. It was getting darker now; I thought, _I’m never gonna get sick of the sight of the Space Needle at night._

Jeff scanned the crowd and noticed someone he recognised. “Hey, isn’t that Layne and Jerry?”

I glanced round, he was pointing to a couple of tall guys with long wild hair coming out of the House Of Horrors, I recognised them from the night of the Alice in Chains/Mother Love Bone show, though admittedly I had been pretty drunk when I last saw them. 

Layne had his hair pulled back tight to show his almost angelic face, and he was wearing only a thin jacket despite the cold. Jerry was elbowing him, laughing at him.

“ _Every_ fucking time! How can you still be scared of that fucking Texas Chainsaw Massacre dude?”

“He’s a creepy fucking dude!” Layne was protesting. “That was the last time, I swear to God.”

Jeff and I cracked up. Jeff yelled over, “Hey Jer!”

They saw us and came over to the barriers of the line for the ferris wheel. Jerry took me in approvingly. Although, I suddenly remembered he was there the night I left with Stone, and his not exactly subtle words- _“Get it Stone!”_ I bit my lip, hoping he wouldn’t bring it up.

Jerry said: “Jeffrey. And, uh- it was-?“

“Sara,” I filled in.

“Right, I remember you from the OZ. You were with Stone, right?” 

He looked suddenly slightly confused and I blushed hard. Had Jeff noticed?

“Um, I was with like, my friends and, uh, Stone was there,” I said lamely. 

“Oh, I thought-“ 

Just then, Layne coughed really loud, his eyes focused on some point in the middle distance. Jerry glanced at him, and I wondered if it was some kind of secret guy code they had between them. He backtracked. 

“Cool, uh, I see. Jeff, I haven’t seen you in time, dude. How’s it with Andy? I heard…”

“He’s back in town next week actually. Uh, all good, I guess. How was Chicago?”

“Cold,” both Jerry and Layne said at the same time, and we all laughed. 

“From what I remember, it was pretty cool. Nice pizza, nice chicks,” Layne added. 

I was kind of distracted by his beautiful blue eyes and his lips, he was like an angel in a painting or something. Contrasted with his tatty dark clothes and his unwashed, tangled hair, his hungover demeanour, and it was hard not to look at him. “You guys going to Cornell’s on Christmas Eve?”he asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Jeff said.

“OK, we’ll catch you there.” Jerry glanced up at the ferris wheel and said to me, “Hey, you know this guy is fucking terrified of heights?”

I giggled.

“So uh, look after him, huh? Treat him right,” 

I met Jerry’s intense blue eyes, and then had to look away. 

“See y’all next week.” Jerry said, Layne held up his hand and they wandered off to one of the beer stalls. 

“God, I can’t believe it’s Christmas in like a week,” I said. “Where did the time go?”

“You gonna come to Cornell’s?”

“I mean… Meg keeps talking about it, so, if it’s cool-“

“Absolutely. It’s fun, pretty much everyone’s there. Usually not Stone or Alicia, though, you know their folks are all about these ritzy Capitol Hill parties, but he said maybe he’d make an appearance, so…”

If Stone wasn’t going to be there, that would definitely be easier. 

“Cool.”

We got on one of the cabs, trying to fit Friend Bear between us, the lap bar digging in. Jeff could hardly fit his long legs inside and I giggled as the cab slowly swung off to make its way. “So, are you like, seriously scared of heights?”i asked.

“Not even close.”

I watched the fairground get smaller under us, the wheel taking us slowly up and over the city. It was a really cool view, I could see the lights of Bainbridge Island and the ferries on the Sound, the skyscrapers contrasting with the old town. 

“What’s that?” I asked, pointing down below at an illuminated plaza with a huge fountain in the middle.

“International Fountain. It’s cool. Fun place to go in summer, I go and sketch sometimes. Watch people freak out at their kids for getting wet.”

I smiled. “You like it here, huh?”

“It took me a while to get used to it, but yeah. I like it. I feel like I found my people, you know? I’ve played with some good musicians, met a lot of like, r _eal_ people here. I mean, even Stone- like, we have our issues, but we’ve been through a lot. We just get each other, in some way, I mean as far as the music and shit. I’d never have even talked to someone like Stone back home, and I’m pretty sure the same goes for him. Like, I’m glad he’s my friend.”

I thought about my own friends, how different they were but how much they meant to me, and how insular i’d been back home, giving all my time to one guy who didn’t even have my back. 

I also thought about Jeff and Stone’s friendship, and felt a pang of guilt. I knew, on some level, I wasn’t over the Stone thing, and I wished I could be, wished it had all just been simple from the beginning. 

“And I really, really want to make the band work next year. Like, it matters, so much,” he finished.

We looked down at the glittering city. The cab had stopped. I wanted to make him feel better in some way. I took Friend Bear’s paw and used it to pat his face.

“Friend Bear believes in you.”

He looked at me, that gorgeous smile. “I wanna kiss you, but that thing is in the way.“

“That’s OK.” 

“OK, now I’m kind of, actually freaking out,”he added, looking down.

It was pretty high, actually. And the cab was wobbling in a pretty scary way. Was this how it was all gonna end, on a shitty ferris wheel in the Fun Forest? I cracked up, and Jeff was like, “ _hey!_ ”

“No, it’s just- I mean, I think _I_ might be scared of heights too.”

_“Fuck!”_

“Hey, watch your mouth around Friend Bear.”

“Sorry, man.” Jeff petted him on the head. Just then, the cab swung and started moving again. “Thank God.”

As we slowly made our way down I asked, “You think you guys will be able to play in January?”

“I mean, our record is out in March. We really need to keep the buzz going. I mean, the label are just like, pounding us - interviews, photos. Another video. It’s a lot. We just need Andy to stay… focused.”

“But if he’s coming out of rehab that’s good, right? He must’ve done pretty well.”

“Yeah, a month is, um… good.”

He was thoughtful and silent. 

“Sorry for killing the buzz or whatever. I just wondered, um-”i began.

“Nah, there’s really not a lot you could do to kill my buzz,” he said, smiling at me.

“No? Not even like, sing the Buggles?”

“Nope.”

“ _Video killed the radio star, video killed-_ “

He chuckled. “I mean, it’s not like, the biggest turn on.”

“How about if I was wearing like, really huge grandma undies?”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’d have to check out the situation.”

We got to the bottom of the ferris wheel and Jeff helped me out. I took the Care Bear and we walked over to a stall where we got some hot cocoa. It warmed me against the cold. 

“So you, um - you wanna come back with me? I mean, the granny undies can stay on,” he said, glancing at me. 

I thought about it. It was pretty tempting. But I didn’t want to rush anything. With him, or anything else. I wanted this afternoon with him to stay perfect, not get messed up about him or Stone or my dad right now.

“I-“ I hugged the bear closer. “I have to work tomorrow, but…”

“Oh, OK. That’s alright.” He didn’t push it.

“But I’ll see you at Chris’ thing next week?”

“Yeah, for sure. And if you wanna drop into the Raison this week, I’ll buy you coffee. It’s cool actually, there’s a film director nosing around for a story right now. Cameron Crowe. You can tell him all about your fabulous Seattle life.”

I smiled. “OK, sounds good.” 

Although I felt like it might be weird if he and Stone were both working at the same time, but I’d worry about that then.

We wandered back through the funfair and out onto the main street, finding a bus stop. I giggled at how ridiculous I looked holding Friend Bear. 

“I can’t believe you won this for me.”

“No one ever win you a shitty toy before?”

“Nope.” Then I had a memory; years ago, my face lit up as my dad pitched three perfect shots to win me a Cabbage Patch Kid at the state fair. I’d treasured that doll forever, until I threw it in the trash the day I left Cleveland. I wish I’d kept it. “Well… just one time. My dad.”

“Hey, you doing OK?” He looked at me with concern in his blue eyes.

“Yeah. I am. I think so.”

My bus pulled up and I fumbled in my pocket for change. 

“OK, this is me. It was really nice to see you.”

“Yeah, it was. I’ll see you in the week?”

“Sure.”

“Look after that bear.”

“I will.”

I stood up on my toes to hug him, then kissed his cheek, then his lips. He pulled me a little closer and his tongue traced gently over my lip, I shivered and then gently broke it off. 

“I really need to get this bus.”

“Have a good night.”

I sat Friend Bear next to me on the bus and closed my eyes, feeling tired but happy. There was stuff to look forward to. I remembered I still hadn’t called Stone back. Wondered how he was doing. I remembered him drunkenly riling the bus driver not so very long ago, the way I went weak when he kissed me, forgot about everything around me.

_What am I gonna do about you, Stone?_ I wondered, clutching the bear Jeff won me. It had started to snow again.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We’re in Southern California with Meg now, which I'm excited about, because it’s finally time to meet my favourite surfer babe................... xD

##  **MEG, CALIFORNIA**

“Jackie? It’s time to get up.”

I prodded his shape under the covers. It was afternoon; I’d already done six hours of pastry cooking, got a fucking pedicure. And Jack was still in bed. He spent a lot of his time there. And it kind of killed me, because when I first met the guy a couple of years ago, he was so fun and full of life. 

“I’m good here,” he said from under the covers.

“C’mon, don’t be like that. You said you’d show me a good time!”

He poked his head out, his blond hair all mussed up, sleepy eyes. “I said that?”

“I mean, kind of.”

He rubbed his face. Those dark circles were getting worse. 

“Rough night?” I asked, perching on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah.”

“I made pastry swans, you want some?”

“Not hungry.”

“OK, then let’s go get coffee. Go for a walk.”

I didnt want to bug him, but I wanted to make him smile, get him out of the house. I first met Jack when I was down in LA with Green River for their shown with Jane’s Addiction, God, it seemed like forever ago. Grace and I flew down to surprise them. I think Alicia had some personal crisis going on and she’d missed it- the demise of Green River at the hands of Jane’s Addiction and their killer live show. 

I barely remembered that night at all, honestly, but one of my favorite things about that trip was meeting Jack and his band the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They were fucking wild, they were so far from Seattle bullshit. I remember how hard Anthony, the singer, put the moves on me, but it didn’t work because I just didn’t want to stop laughing and dancing with Hillel and Jack, his guitarist and drummer. They were like the terrible twins, bouncing off of each other. Their energy thrilled me.

So when Jack called me last year and told me Hillel died of an OD, I guess...

I mean, I couldn’t quite believe it. Still couldn’t really. The mess it made of Jack, fuck. 

I never knew anyone young who died before. I mean, except my dad. But a friend? That was… 

I mean, it was like… unthinkable. 

Jack dropped off the face of the earth for a while, but I finally managed to get him on the phone a couple of weeks ago, told him I was coming to LA for work and I wanted to see him. He said I could sleep on his couch. And here I was.

“Let’s drive to the beach? It’s such a nice day. You said we could go today, and you know I only get this weather for like, two more days, man.”

He sat up, stared at the wall. 

“I dunno if i’m-“

“Jack.” 

He looked at me, and I reached for his hand.

“It’s OK.”

We stayed like that a while. I noticed the way the light from the closed blinds fell on the wall, noticed the piles of clothes and the dirty plates around his room. It had been a year since Hillel, almost. I knew his parents had started paying his rent. Over a takeout pizza last night he told me that he hadn’t heard from Anthony in months. After Jack left the band, they went dead - and now they were back, he’d seen the posters in town. Some new kid on guitar. I couldn’t tell how he felt about it. He just seemed messed up, in general. Whenever I brought up music, he changed the subject. I tried to make him laugh, bring him out of it. I didn’t talk about Mother Love Bone too much, or about Andy. I felt like the subject was way too close to home. _Thank God Andy’s in rehab,_ I thought. _Thank God he’s gonna be OK._

“Throw on some shorts and let’s go. Sea breeze,” I said, decisively. 

I got up and opened the blind, making him blink. The sun came in, brilliantly. I fucking loved it. Seattle was a disaster this time of year, wind and rain and snow. I never wanted to go home. Although granted, Chris’ party was coming up, and I was excited to show off my new pastry skills to everybody. 

Jack hauled himself out of bed. I tried not to check him out as he looked for a tshirt. He was kind of hot - there was just something about him. And as ever, it was fun to crush on on someone, _anyone_ except Chris.

We went out to his beat up old car and he threw some faded beach towels in the back seat. There was a gentle breeze, but I still loved the fact we could hit the beach in December. Jack lived just outside of Long Beach, i’d been driving into the city in his car and the smog and the amount of cars on the road there was something else. It was good to drive towards the ocean, be near the water again.

I tried to find an upbeat station on the radio. A woman’s voice blared out, _“We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no!”_ I cracked up, and even Jack had to smile. On impulse I touched his hand on the stick shift and he glanced at me. 

“Thanks, I’m sorry I’m such an annoying house guest,” I said.

“It’s cool. I did promise. I think a couple of my buddies will be there, you can meet them.”

“Oh, nice. Anyone hot?”

He grinned and shook his head. Seemed like my plan was working, at least he was smiling. “You know all my friends are hot.”

“That’s why I like you.”

We turned off the highway, coming into Long Beach. The colourful houses and seedy little bodegas and shops made me smile. I loved it. I put my shades on against the glare of the sun. Jack found a space to park behind the main beach. Then we sat in the car for a moment.

“Sorry,” he said.

I looked at him. “Huh?”

“I know i’m… um.” He bit his lip. “I just. Miss him. I still miss him. I don’t know what to do, I guess.”

“You need to get back on those drums, baby.”

He didnt say anything. 

I got the towels out of the back seat, and he finally got out of the car. We wandered over the footpath to the sand, taking our shoes off. The sand under my toes felt so good, I’d never get sick of that feeling. The sky and ocean were the same shade of vivid blue, and the ocean breeze blew my hair loose from its ponytail. 

“Oh, hey. That’s my friend.” 

Jack pointed over at a small group of surfers hanging out at the edge of the water. I looked, and saw a guy sitting next to his board, his wetsuit pulled down to his waist, showing a toned, tanned body that made me think, God bless Southern California. I had had enough of pasty skinny boys who spent all their time in their basements. The guy had a great face to match the body, long, matted brown surfer waves that clung wetly to his shoulders. As we went closer, I could see the blue of his eyes from twenty paces. _OK, wow._

“Crazy Eddie!” Jack said, grinning. The other surfers cracked up, waved hello. The hot surfer guy - Eddie, I guessed - looked up at us from where he was sitting in the shallows. His face creased into the brightest smile.

“Dude, you made it!” 

He scrambled up out of the water, stuck the end of his board into the sand. He and Jack clasped hands, and then Eddie looked at me curiously. I felt a rush go through me, I wondered if he thought I was hot too. I mean, I thought I was looking good. LA agreed with me, even if my pale Irish skin didn’t appreciate the seven layers of sunscreen every time I left the house.

“This is my friend Meg, she’s down from Seattle.”

Eddie looked at Jack, then at me; was he trying to figure out if we were a thing? I mean, me and Jack had hooked up before, but we weren’t like that, really. I spoke up:

“Yeah, I’m currently making use of his lovely couch. Hi.”

“Hey. I’m Eddie.”

We smiled at each other, I tried not to check him out too obviously. 

“Seattle, huh? That’s quite a trek. I never been up to the land of the ice and snow, don’t wanna get blown away,” he said, a teasing smile on his lips. 

“Well, that’s smart. I mean, I spend most of my time thinking about how I can escape.”

“You like Cali?”

“Yeah, it’s awesome.”

“How were the waves?” Jack asked. 

Eddie nodded enthusiastically.

“I mean, it’s fucking… _cold_ but this is the best time of year, I swear to God. Can just kinda forget it’s nearly Christmas.”

“OK, Scrooge,” I said, and Eddie glanced at me, gave me the cutest little wink, which made my heart skip without any warning. Jack grinned, I could tell he was thinking, _OK Meg, slow down._

“Ed’s been trying to teach me to surf, but… I mostly just watch and heckle,” Jack said.

“Nah, he’s gonna go pro. Hey, you guys want a beer? We have provisions,” Eddie said. 

We went over to where the surfers had put up a little wind breaker, their cooler buried in the wet sand. Eddie handed us both a beer and I cracked it open, feeling the sun on my skin, so good. 

“So how’d you guys meet?” I asked.

“We actually met at a show, I was roadie-ing for Joe Strummer, Jack was playing drums.”

“Get out of here! You never told me you drummed for Joe Strummer,” I said to Jack, genuinely impressed. The Clash had been huge in Seattle for a while, all the little punk guys wanted to be them. Alicia was always playing their record in the car for a while after Stone turned her onto them. I wondered how she was doing. She’d been acting even more nuts than usual at the Showbox last week. I didn’t even ask. I just felt like Alicia really needed to get her shit together, figure out what to do with her life. Even if it was just being a fucking clotheshorse like her mom. Like, what was she gonna do? Just cause drama her whole life? Didn’t she think we were all gonna move on someday?

“Uh, it was a year ago or so,” Jack said, bringing me back to the moment.

“You need to get this guy back in the game,” I said to Eddie, watching as he wrung sea water out of his long hair. _Why was that so sexy?_ “He kicks ass.”

Eddie nodded. “Tell me about it. I drive up here most weekends from San Diego just to try and persuade him that very thing.”

“That's cute.”

“I’m definitely a fan.”

“Eddie actually plays too,” Jack said.

“Is every guy in a band these days?” I teased. 

Eddie chuckled and looked at me sideways. “Big scene in Seattle, really?”

“If you mean, is Seattle totally into its own hype, then yeah,” I said, letting sand trickle through my fingers. “What's your band?”

“It's called Bad Radio. I sing.” I raised my eyebrows and he grinned shyly, “I do.”

“I figured you might.”

“Yeah, why’s that?” His blue eyes were on me, intense. 

I shrugged, smiling at him then looking away. 

Jack took a long slug of his beer, he was looking out at the ocean. I felt bad for flirting with his friend while I was meant to be cheering him up. 

“I haven’t been out here like, at all,” I said. “I’m flying home in a couple days.”

“Well, it would be good to get this guy out again. You should come check out our show tomorrow night, if you can make it down to SD. We’re playing at the Bacchanal.”

“I’m not sure-“ Jack started, I looked at him.

“Oh c’mon Jackie, I’ll drive.”

“That would be great,” Eddie said at once. “I can put you guys on the list.”

This day was definitely getting better. Now I just had to persuade Jack. He finished his beer and stuck it deep into the sand. He was always fidgeting these days. Always somewhere else. I looked at Eddie, he was watching Jack too. He looked at me, and a smile tugged at his lips. “Dude, just come,” he said.

Jack shrugged non committally, but I nodded at Eddie. “Put us on the list.”

“OK, so - you wanna learn how to surf?”he said then, jumping up without warning. I stared up at him, putting my shades back on against the bright sun. his eyes still looked so blue even through the shades.

“Um, no, I’m kind of.. uncoordinated.”

“Jack, tell your friend what a great teacher I am.”

Jack took another beer, and smiled. “Go ahead, Meg. I’m gonna chill here a while.”

I looked at Eddie's eager face, then down at my cover-up. I was wearing a shitty old bikini underneath, I hadn’t expected to meet any hot guys, and I almost never had cause to buy a bikini back home. 

“Uhhh.. OK.” I peeled it off and put it on the sand with my shades, stood up. Eddie checked me out, just for the briefest moment, and I hoped I wasn’t blushing too obviously.

“Come on.” He got his board and started walking back towards the surf. I looked back at Jack and he just nodded like _go ahead._ So I did, ignoring my heart fluttering in my chest.

The way back in the car, Jack didnt talk much. I was driving since he’d been hitting the beers. I’d had way too much fun; I spent most of the afternoon wiping out bad on Eddie’s board, but the feel of his strong hands on my waist or my arm when I did was worth it every time. I liked the way he wasn’t afraid to touch me; his easy laugh and smile. I really wanted to see him again tomorrow. 

“You liked Eddie, huh?” Jack said, staring out of the window. 

“He’s cool.”

“He is.”

“So are we going down to San Diego tomorrow? _Road trip!”_ I said, trying to manifest my enthusiasm right into my friend. He sighed.

“I don’t know, Meg. I’m kinda tired.”

“Early night?”

“I mean, like… all the time.”

I stared at the traffic up ahead, slowed down. “Yeah. But Jackie - you’re gonna be OK. Life just, it... it goes on, you know? I’m sure you’ve heard that like a thousand times before, but - I don’t think Hillel would’ve wanted you to be this sad.”

“You didn’t know him,” Jack said quietly.

“Well, that’s true.”

We sat in traffic for a while, I stared at the billboards for Marlboro and Burger King on the side of the road. 

“It just fucked everything,” Jack said quietly. “How could he do that to us? To.. me?”

I looked at him, and I could only just take his hand again.

“He didn’t. He was sick. And I'm really, really sorry.”

Jack nodded, and I squeezed his hand. 

Suddenly this image came into my mind of Andy and Stone on stage at the OZ. Or any stage, really. The way they made each other laugh. That bond between them. Stone annoyed the living crap out of me a lot of the time, but I knew he loved that boy. I couldn’t imagine what losing Andy would do to him. Seeing Jack like this, it made me feel cold despite the evening sun. 

“Let’s go home and eat the entire box of pastry swans, huh?” 

He looked at me, grateful, and I smiled back, trying to look brighter than I felt.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dual POV with Stone and Sara.

**STONE**

Honestly, I didn’t know what to say when I saw him at the door of Kelly’s office.

“Hey Stoney Poney.”

Andy was looking at me like, _are we good?_ And I’m like - what about the fucking message I left you, man, because I _know_ you got it? This is why I don’t open up. Because, what’s the point?

I just said, “Oh. Hey.”

I was looking at Jeff’s new t-shirt designs. I wished he hadn’t just gone straight to Kelly with them, why didn’t he show me them at work yesterday? It was _our_ band wasn’t it? I held one up. 

“You wanna see?”

He came over to my side straight away.

“Wow. That’s my face.”

“In a star.”

“Ohh, I see. Because, Stardog. Stargazer. Wait, am I a genius?” 

He looked sideways at me - and I couldn't help laughing. It wasn’t even the stuff he said, it was just the way he said it. And when he was next to me I felt good, because I knew he liked being with me too. It was a nice feeling. _You’re back. Just stay back, OK?_

He looked up at the photos of us on the noticeboard.

“So you think I need to be worried? Because man, you look good,” he said.

I looked at them too. I mean - I looked like myself. I don’t know. I’m not gonna say I don’t know how I look. But whenever anybody brings it up, I just wanna say something really stupid to play it off, it just feels weird. 

“Yeah, I kind of don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m like, the hot guy in the band now," I said.

“Oh, shit.”

“We had like a vote.”

“Or, we can be, y’know - Byron and Shelley. Two distinct types of visionaries.”

“ _Fire and ice_.”

With us, if nothing else worked, there was always Spinal Tap. 

“Oh, you made it. Bruce buzz you up?” Kelly was coming in with another box of shit. 

Andy chuckled. “Yeah. Eventually.” 

I didn’t think Bruce and Jonathan at Sub Pop were ever gonna get over us. Mother Love Bone, the sellout bastard child of Green River and Malfunkshun. You could feel the awkward vibes from across the hall. 

Kelly put his box down on the desk. His face was red from the cold morning outside, it was freezing and inside wasn’t a lot better, even with the heater. 

“OK, so. These are the promos. Be. Careful.”he said as we immediately went to lift one out. 

They were on thick shiny white card, a black and white photo of us with the PolyGram logo and ours underneath. They were taken like, a million years ago it felt like. Maybe before summer. 

Andy wasn’t saying anything. I looked at it again. I guess I was kind of in the foreground of the photo, he was in back between Bruce and Greg.

“Cool,” said Andy, his mouth sort of working. 

I saw Kelly frown slightly. “What, you don’t like them?”

“I mean - they say why they picked this one?”

“Uh-“

“Cause like, Stoney’s not even looking at the camera.”

I stared at Andy then, but his face was passive, that way he had sometimes.

“I mean, I didn’t like, ask them for an _explanation_ of why they picked it-“ Kelly began

“Everyone else is looking at the camera though, so-“

_So you think I need to be worried? Because man, you look good._ What Andy just said.

“I don’t think that really matters, um-“ I started, and then Andy tossed the photo back in the box, smiling again like it was nothing.

“Well, whatcha gonna do. It’s cool.”

Kelly looked at him, then at me, I was like _just forget it_ \- and he knew us well enough by now. He took a stack of them out of the box and set them on the desk.

“This is what we’re gonna send out to stores and press, so I need you guys to sign some today, and I’ll get the first batch out. Right after Christmas, like, basically through January, it’s gonna be a real hard push with press and stuff.”

“OK, so- what about work?” I asked, looking again at those photos of us. _Why wasn’t I looking at the camera?_ It was gonna bug me forever now. Why _did_ they even pick this one? 

“Yeah, you guys are probably gonna need to quit your job now.”

We both looked at him. 

“Like, for real this time though?” I asked. Last time PolyGram told us to quit our jobs, we had to ask for them back in two weeks because they decided they would hold our advance until the record was in the press. Then Andy started going back downhill, and we stopped hearing from them for a while. For all I knew they took the rehab bill out of our fucking advance. 

“For real,” Kelly said. “We have a date for the record release. 20 March, 1990.”

Three months. It felt like my whole life had been leading up to 20 March, 1990, just _three more months_ and then something was gonna _happen._ No more waiting. Finally, someone had given me like a precise date when I could stop worrying.

“Cool.” Andy said. And then, all three of us just _laughed_ \- because it was way more than cool, and we were so fucking energised all of a sudden, sitting there in that cold dark little room above the market on a shitty winter day in Seattle. 

“I’ll talk to them today and then we can start planning, OK? But first I really need you guys to sign these.” 

Kelly gave us two black markers from his messy desk drawer and we sat down on the floor next to the box with the pile of photos. 

“Can I like, draw on Stoney’s face, or-“Andy said.

“Absolutely NOT.”

“Oh, OK.”

I nudged him, and his hand slipped, drawing a big black scribble on the first photo. Kelly looked stressed when he saw it and me and Andy just cracked up, then Andy started doodling all over it, drawing stars and hearts and flowers, devil horns on Jeff’s head. Kelly just shook his head, going “You can keep that one” - and Andy scribbled his signature at the bottom before passing it to me. 

“That's gonna pay for your retirement, Stoney.”

I put it in my jacket pocket. We sat and signed photos for the next two hours before it was time for me to go to work.

##  **SARA**

I was sorting through donations at the store all morning. Lucille clearly wasn’t happy i’d had to go out of town, her nephew Warren had had to cover me and he was a weird guy to say the least, he kept badly flirting with all the female customers, had the radio permanently tuned to Butt Rock FM (sic) and chewed bubblegum all day long, including loud obnoxious bubble blowing. Being around guys like Warren, who obsessed about football scores and tried to start actual conversations about how Gay Pride Week was ruining the city, made me feel grateful that there were guys who were nothing like that. Jeff with his art, Stone with his secret nerdiness. 

“There’s a girl here to see you,” Warren said, sticking his head in back as I shook out a worn-out, holey sports jacket from a bag and tossed it straight on the reject pile. 

I got up, my legs almost asleep from kneeling on the floor too long, pushing my hands through my hair. “OK.”

I came out into the store and saw Grace, wrapped up in a cute wool peacoat. It looked like real 60s vintage, she had a good eye. I noticed Warren checking her out and rolled my eyes, she noticed and stifled a giggle.

“Hey!” I went to her and gave her a hug. She was warm and soft, felt like home.

“Hey you. How are you?” She looked at me, her dark eyes worried. “I didn’t think you’d be back to work so soon.”

“I’m OK. Really.” I glanced at Warren, like, _go away_ and he turned back to the register, unwrapped another piece of gum. “Hey, I can take my lunch if you want to go get coffee or something?”

“Uh, sure. That would be great. Let’s go to the Raison actually, I think Stone and Jeff are working.”

I swallowed. _OK._ I did not feel ready for this, but I wasn’t going to make it weird.

“Great, I’ll get my jacket.” I gave Warren a look as I went past, saying “I’m taking lunch now.”

“OK, well, it’s twelve-oh-three, so you gotta be back at twelve-thirty-three,” he said, blowing a large pink bubble with his gum. Grace just stared at him, as if he was a being from another planet. 

I grabbed my jacket from the back and whisked her away, not looking back. The bell above the door gave its too-familiar ring as we swung it open. I was vaguely aware of some adrenaline running through me at the prospect of seeing Jeff and Stone in the same small space, but I tried to keep on top of it as we walked.

“So how’s it been here?”i asked. “Work and stuff?”

“Work's super busy, all the great and good getting their fucking holiday cards printed. Nothing fun whatsoever. I’ve hung out with Charles a bit.” 

I saw her smile and it was infectious. 

“Oh, really? And how is that going?”

“Good.”

I knew there was more, but it wasn’t like Grace to spill her guts out over anything really. She was so reserved. I guess if I wanted the low-down I would have to ask Alicia. Which, speaking of-

“Hey, how’s Leesh doing? I spoke to her when I was in Ohio, but- god, I don’t know. It weirdly feels like she’s been avoiding me, or-“ I bit my lip. Saw something cross Grace’s face for a second. “What?”

“Nothing!” She said quickly. “I don’t know - really?”

“Yeah,” I said kind of uncomfortably. “I mean, it’s weird. Is she OK?”

“She’s…” Grace paused, kicked at a bottle cap on the sidewalk with the toe of her boot. “Yeah, I think she, um, just hates the holidays.”

“Oh.”

Grace looked at me again. “Hey, did you talk to Stone lately?”

I frowned, that was a weird change of topic. “Uh, no actually. Not since I went back for my dad. Why?”

“No reason. I know things were kind of weird with you two before. Well, you can talk to him now.” 

We were outside the Raison d’Etre; the windows were steamed up with condensation so luckily I couldn't see inside. I felt nervous. Also, I wished I could just talk to Grace about what was going on, but I didn’t know how she’d react to it. Grace liked things to be simple, people to be happy. She wasn’t the type of person who would get in this kind of situation I had found myself in, _why was I such a mess?_ She saw me hesitating.

“You OK?”

“Uh, yeah. I just - it’s kind of - weird. I mean, you know I’ve kind of been hanging out with Jeff, and I hooked up with Stone... before…”

Grace shook her head firmly. “Well, Stone can blame himself for that. If he hadn’t freaked out after you guys hooked up, then maybe things would be different. He is just way too into himself. Also, I mean, he is no angel, trust me.”

“What do you mean?”

She sighed. “Long story. You should probably ask Alicia.” 

But I was feeling so nervous, I didn't think too much about what she said. 

“OK, let’s just go in,” I said.

“We can go somewhere else-“

“No, it’s OK. I’m OK.”

We went inside, it was pretty busy with Christmas shoppers and the usual business people having loud meetings about mergers and margins. Stone - _oh my God_ \- and Jeff were both behind the counter, talking about something, and there was Andy too - sitting at a little table talking animatedly to a guy who looked a bit older than us. 

Andy looked good - his skin was clear and glowing, his long blonde hair was shining and spread around the shoulders of his patterned jacket. He seemed to take up so much space in the room. I couldn’t help but smile, especially when Grace said, “ _Andy!!_ ” and went over to him, making Jeff and Stone look over. 

I felt myself blush. I tried not to look at them, but I could feel Stone’s eyes on me from across the room. I decided to just be awkward and go with Grace, who was hugging Andy tightly. He smiled at me from over Grace’s shoulder.

“Guess who’s back,” he said with a grin. “Sara, right?”

“Right,” I said shyly. It was nice that he remembered who I was. 

“How _are_ you?”Grace asked him. 

He nodded enthusiastically.

“Man, I’m good. Like, really. It was good to get out of here for a while. But make no mistake, the Lovechild is back in town.” He and Grace smiled at each other, it was so cute. “You get my letter?”

“Yeah, you sent it to my parents’ address, I have to update you actually. But yes! It was the cutest. Your drawing skills are really just, getting better by the day.” 

I wondered what the letter had in it, but I sensed it was some kind of private thing between them. There was more to this story with them. Yet again I realised I had a lot to catch up on, the old connections between my friends. 

“I loved the collage you sent. At first they wouldn’t let me put it up because you guys were holding alcohol in like 99% of the fucking pictures, but I talked ‘em round,”Andy said. “Oh, this is Cameron by the way. He’s making a movie.”

“We’ve actually met,” the older guy said, smiling at Grace. “I swear I don’t actually, like, live here.” He looked at me then. “I’m Cameron.”

“Wait,” I said, staring at him, realising. ”This is going to sound kind of creepy but - are you Cameron Crowe?”

His face broke into an embarrassed smile. “Uh, yeah I am.”

“Oh my God, your book, _Fast Times_?-“ _Stay calm Sara._ “Sorry, um, but that book kind of got me through high school.”

“Really?”he said, looking pleased.

“I’m, um- I’m _literally_ Stacy in that book, so- wow. It’s really nice to meet you. I loved the movie too. Sorry, I recognised you from a profile in the New York Times, this is totally embarrassing but I had it on my pinboard for a while.”

Andy cracked up and Grace nudged him. Cameron seemed slightly embarrassed, but he smiled wide, and held out his hand. 

“Thanks, that means a lot. It was sort of like the book I needed someone to write when I was in high school, so-“ 

I took his hand and shook it, totally star struck. 

“Well, I’m actually writing something new. Set in Seattle. Been following your friends around trying to get a story out of them.” He motioned over at the counter and I looked. And then I locked eyes with Stone. 

He looked… kind of pale, maybe a little thinner than before. But also, totally gorgeous. He was still pretty much the most beautiful guy I’d ever seen. Fuck, fuck, _fuck._

I hadn’t seen him since that night. And last time we spoke on the phone, he made it pretty clear he wanted to see me again. And my heart was currently doing flips in my chest. So what exactly was I supposed to do now? 

I looked away. Realised Jeff was coming over, wiping his hands on his apron.

“Hey guys.”

_Don’t kiss me right now, don’t kiss me right now._ He didn’t.

“Jeff! Your boy’s back in town, I feel like Christmas came early or something,” Grace said cutely. 

Jeff grinned at me, clearly happy to see me, and then at Grace. 

“That’s right. And we got a fucking _date_ for the record, so it definitely has.”

“No way!”

“20 March.”

“Congrats, man,” Cameron said. “I’ll call Ben at Rolling Stone about it, I bet we can swing you guys a double page. Only if you’ll be in my movie though.”

The atmosphere in there right then? I can’t describe it. I felt like I was in another fucking world, stuff like this never happened in nowheresville suburban Ohio. Movies and bands, movies about bands, Rolling Stone, record releases. And then I felt this pang in me, like - _and what am I gonna do with my life? I’m just a passenger right now._

_“_ Deal,” Jeff said. “Sounds like we won’t be working here much longer, so you should call our manager Kelly, he’s gonna be making a schedule.”

“It’s all happening baby,” Andy cut in. 

It really felt like it was. I could feel the excitement in that room.

“Do you guys want coffee?” Jeff asked. I could see there was a line growing by the counter.

“Um, yeah, but go help Stone, you know how he gets when he’s stressed out,” Grace said. Jeff snorted. 

“Right. Sara, come. I said I’d buy you one.” 

I realised there was no way I was getting out of this. Grace asked me to get her a latte and I trailed over to the counter. I made myself look up from the floor. 

“Hey Sara,” he said, not looking at me. Maybe he was mad that I hadn’t returned his call yet. To be honest, I hadn’t known what to say at all, I was waiting for some inspiration. I guess I should have, though.

“Stone, can you deal with these people? I’ll take Sara,” Jeff said, motioning at the people in the line. Stone raised his eyebrows but didnt say anything. “So what can I get you?” Jeff asked.

“Um, two lattes I guess.”

“Coming up.” Jeff went to the coffee machine, then glanced at Stone, who was attempting to make shapes in the coffee foam. “Dude, that is not how you do it. You need to keep your hand like super steady.” He grinned, shaking his head. “This guy needs to leave the art to me.”

“No, I got it,” Stone said kind of coolly, not stopping. 

“No, seriously man, you’re going too fast, it won’t-“ 

Jeff tried to take over and Stone pulled the cup away, spilling it on the counter. 

“Excellent, thanks,”Stone said sarcastically. “You gonna make another one of those?”

I looked at Stone and Jeff. There was a tension there that no one could ignore. The lady whose latte they had just ruined coughed disapprovingly. Jeff shook his head and started making more coffee. Stone looked at me, his green eyes so intense.

“So when’d you get back?”

“Um. Couple of days ago,” I said. 

“Right.”

“Well, hope you’re OK.”

“Thanks.”

I hung awkwardly at the side while Jeff made our coffees and Stone took some more orders. I could hear Andy and Grace laughing over at the table. I wanted to say something to Stone, say I was glad he’d called me, I was sorry I hadn’t called him back. And, did he still want to hang out. But - _Jeff._

And then, Jeff handed me these two perfect lattes. One of them had a tulip on top. And the other one had a heart, dissolving gently into the foam. 

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. Stone glanced at the coffee, just for a moment. Then he shook his head, once, and carried on.

I thanked Jeff and took our coffees back to the table. Andy was talking about the Mother Love Bone promo photo they were sending out, complaining about being stuck in the back. 

“I mean, don’t they know who I am? _I’m_ the frontman, he’s meant to be like, the guitarist with mystique!” 

I saw Cameron jot that down on his little notepad when Andy said it, and it made me chuckle. I’d like to see his movie when it was done. I sipped my latte, tried to just enjoy the little window of time before I had to go back and deal with Warren for the rest of the afternoon.

##  **STONE**

I knew it was my fault with Sara, and that that was probably it. Her not calling me back was a pretty loud message. 

20 March 1990 - I thought, _it’s all good, let’s just get to 20 March 1990._

Things felt weird for me anyway, at that time. I’d been working at coffee shops, sleeping in my old bedroom, worrying constantly, for a long time. I was twenty three, which is- not _old_ , but- I was twenty three. It’d been a long time doing that thing. Was I gonna miss the rude business guys demanding their morning espresso, never putting their change back in the tips jar? Was I gonna miss, like, Seattle? I didn’t think so, but it felt weird anyway. 

Everyone seemed pretty sure that this was a sure thing. Mother Love Bone. I mean - we hadn’t written any new songs for a while. Like, a long while actually. Andy said he was gonna do a lot of writing over the next couple of months, which was good. We hadn’t had a rehearsal in probably five weeks or more. But I thought, maybe it didn’t matter. Everyone was so sure about us.

I tried not to look over at Sara after that. When I did, she was just laughing and talking with Grace and Andy. We could’ve used some help up there actually, Christmas week was killer, but Andy wasn’t supposed to go back to work, I totally got that. I wasn’t like, _bitter._ Sara looked so beautiful. After Alicia I kind of thought I’d never feel that way about a girl, someone who made you just want to look, not stop looking, touch them. I guess maybe that’s one of the reasons I freaked after me and Sara hooked up. I didn’t think I could take that kind of thing again, it had cut me up for a long time, after Alicia. But here I was anyway, trying not to picture Sara kissing Jeff, that smile she gave him. _God damn it._

After a little while she had to go. Grace was gonna stay with Andy and catch up. Sara looked over at me after she put her jacket on. 

“Bye, Stone.”

“See ya.” 

I kept busy. Jeff was over there saying goodbye. When she left, he came back over all happy, and when he tried to start a conversation about next year, saying how pumped he was, and did I remember the fucking Ama-tour we did with Green River, and did I remember when Mark nearly crashed the car coming off the freeway? I just brushed it off and was like - “Can you clean this machine? You never clean the fucking spout, you need to clean this machine” - and he was surprised, he didn’t get what I was so pissed about.

After our shift finished I said I needed to go home, and I spent the rest of the afternoon practising in the attic. It was my place, full of my shit, books, chord charts all over the walls, cups I always forgot to bring down until my mom freaked out about where all the cups were. The only light was from the skylight in the ceiling, sometimes it felt like sitting right under the stars at night, but right now was just clouds. We used to play with Green River in here. I took out the photo Andy scribbled on earlier and tacked it to the wall. That was our band, it was _the_ band. It was gonna be us. I was still getting my head round it.

I played for a long time. Then there was a knock on the hatch. No one ever came up here except me. I carried on. My mom’s voice.

“Stone?”

I stopped, my fingers lingering over the strings, letting them ring out, the buzz from my amp crackling in the silence.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry, honey - phone.”

I’d lost track of time, so I didn’t know, it could be her, could it?

“It’s, um… it’s Alicia.”

_OK._

“Do you want me to, um- you want me to tell her you’re busy?“

I thought about that stupid night at the Showbox the other week. The way she felt so familiar to me. What she could still do to me. Well, fuck that. She always just wanted to hurt, or hurt someone. Fuck that too.

“Yeah, tell her I’m busy.”

“OK.”

There was a pause, then she went back down the ladder. 

I played til there was hardly any light left from the window and my fingers were stiff. I think I got some good stuff down. That at least, was never an issue for me. 

When I came back down my mom was hanging around in the upstairs hallway. 

“I was just about to come get you. You must be hungry.”

“What time is it?”

“Gosh, it’s past nine, hon. You were up there a long time.”

“Oh, shit. Um, excuse me. No, um, I’m good. I’m not hungry.”

My mom was so cute, she hated cursing, she still had a swear jar in the kitchen for my dad. I didn't know if there were even girls like her left in the world. She smiled, shook her head. 

“Today go well? You were gone early.”

“Yeah, it did. We signed a bunch of photos to send out to press and stuff. And we have a date. 20 March, for the record.”

She hugged me so tight right then. “Oh, that is just-“ She looked at me, bright eyes. “ _Wonderful._ ”

“I mean, if none of us get hit by a bus, or-“ I felt kind of self conscious, even though it was her. But she just hugged me again.

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks.”

I kind of pulled away. She knew I didn't really like all that, she got it. She was looking at me though, kind of concerned or something.

“You want to call Alicia back? Or-“ She bit her lip. “I know it’s none of my business, but - you two-“

_Bruises. Edges. Silences. Confusion._ I was done.

“It’s nothing, I’m good.” That made me turn away. I didn't explain anything. I just went into my room, heard her go back downstairs. My head full of the one person I needed to see right now.

##  **SARA**

Work was weird. I felt really distracted by the thing with Stone at the coffee shop. I didn’t want it to be weird with him. For one thing, it would just be awkward for all of us. I wondered how long you can even keep secrets in a place like Seattle, a circle like ours where everybody seemed to know everything. Maybe he and the band would just get so busy in the new year, it wouldn’t matter anymore. I was sure he wasn’t even giving me a second thought anyway. 

As I was getting ready to leave, Warren asked me if my friend was single. 

“That’s kind of a creepy question, y’know.”

He just laughed. 

“It’s a joke, kid, I don’t date black girls.”

I stared at him. “What did you just say?”

“Think you heard me.”

He just kept cashing up the register.

“That’s not OK.”

“Deal with it. Also, you’re on early tomorrow. Actually you’re on early for the rest of the week. I’m not working Christmas.”

I felt so fucking angry, about all of it. And I realised I never wanted to spend another minute in this store. 

“Well, no, I’m not. Because I quit.”

He looked at me, his stupid too-big jaw and his watery eyes. “What the fuck?”

“Think you heard me,” I said, as I walked out of the store, that jangling bell the sound of my freedom.

I got the bus home, listened to Sonic Youth on my Walkman. I realised I hadn't done any Christmas shopping. i’d have to ask Grace or Meg if I needed to bring anything to Chris’ party. I usually hated Christmas anyway. Last year Logan insisted we spend it on our own in his tiny shitty apartment; the years before were just a mess of my Dad drunk, my mom crying or trying to hold it together. That was all over, at least. 

I mean, I didn’t have a job anymore, and I had no idea what the hell I was gonna do, but I also felt OK.

When I got home it was already dark. I put on the kitchen radio and listened to Christmas carols as I cleaned the kitchen, carefully putting away Lil’s stuff. I had a shower, changed into a nightdress Logan used to hate, he called it my granny nightie. Well, I liked it. Actually it was my favorite. 

I curled up on the sofa, my notebook and a pen in my hand. I felt like I had a lot on my mind that I needed to write down, make sense of.

Then the buzzer went.

I got up and went to the window that looked out onto the front of the building.

And there, like I almost knew it would be, was Stone.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Smut warning...

I stared out the window for a moment. Thinking, _I could just pretend not to be here. I don’t have to deal with this right now._

But then, I went to grab a cardigan from my closet, slipped on my boots, grabbed my keys from the kitchen table and left the apartment. Opened the entry door to my building.

There was a light snow falling and I shivered when the cold air hit me. I stared at Stone. He was wearing a grey woollen sweater, the sleeves bunched up a little, and his hair was slightly speckled with snowflakes, damp and wavy past his shoulders. He pushed it back kind of nervously. He looked... like nothing else. My heart turned over.

“Hey.” I said.

I didn’t know what to say. How to act. I crossed my arms over my chest, felt the whisper touch of snowflakes on my skin.

“Hey.”

We looked at each other, the snow making everything seem ethereal. I don’t know what it was with us. We both knew it was something. Why it had to be complicated, I didn’t know.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I don’t, um…”

“Are you OK?”

He just looked at me. And I didn’t know what was going on, but I was glad he was here.

“I didn’t know if you’d want to see me, but...” he started. I shook my head.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. Things have been... I _did_ want to see you.”

He came to me. Adrenaline running through me, as he tentatively touched my face and leaned in. 

Then he kissed me.I felt myself melt into him, the warmth of his body and the soft wool of his sweater. His tongue traced against mine and I shivered, pulling back, feeling so mixed up. And I felt like I suddenly wanted to know: _was he alright? Had he been sleeping, eating? What did he need?_

“Are you OK?” I said again.

“I am right now.”

I touched his hair, his face. His eyes were soft on me.

“C’mon... it’s cold.”

My apartment was silent, overheated, a little chaotic like it always got when Lil was away. I brushed the snowflakes out of my hair as we got in and took off our shoes, shrugged off my cardigan.

“Is your, um, roommate-“ Stone asked quietly, and I shook my head. “Oh, OK.”

I felt slightly awkward, even after the kiss, and I just stood there, not sure what to do next. I didn't know if I was ready for whatever was about to happen. He seemed the same.

“Um, do you want some tea, or-“ I started.

“Oh, no, I’m good.”

“OK. Do you want to sit down?”

“Sure.”

We sat down on the couch. I curled my legs up under me, watching him. The clear line of his profile was just so perfect, it made me smile. Stone raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“Nothing, just…” I couldn’t stop smiling. “Nothing.”

He pushed his hair back in that kind of nervous way, narrowed his eyes at me. I wanted to kiss him again so much.

“I like your dress,” he said, motioning to my nightie. I had no way of knowing if he was being sarcastic; but I didn’t care.

“Well, I like your sweater,” I said.

And he smiled, looked away, pulled it down over his hands, his long fingers playing with the edges. I remembered that sometimes he didn't seem comfortable at all, and it was a cute thing.

“How’ve you been?” I asked, noticing the dark circles. His eyes flicked away from me, opaque green.

“Oh, y’know. I get up, and nothing gets me down.”

I rolled my eyes. “But, aside from the Van Halen quoting.”

That made him laugh, which was a relief.

“I’ve been... OK, I guess. It’s a weird time, things are... well, I’ve been spending a lot of time talking to our manager, doing like, telephone interviews and stuff. It’s intense. But with Andy...”

He stopped, and I waited for him to finish, but he didn’t.

“Right.”

“What about you though?” He looked at me. “Your dad, um, are you-“

I swallowed. Exhaled. “I’m OK. I, um... oh, we weren’t close for a long time. He was...” I shrugged. There was so much to say about it, but I was just _done_. I felt ashamed of the way I was grieving him, like it wasn’t enough, as much as I knew how much I’d hated him, for years. But it was what it was. “I’m OK.”

I could tell Stone was trying to figure this out, and I looked away, feeling kind of self conscious.

“You’re like, back for good now?” he asked, playing with one of the bands around his wrist.

“I guess so. It feels good, actually. I never thought I’d feel at home here, but... being back in Ohio, I kind of realised that wasn’t, like, home anymore.” I tried not to think about my mom, alone in the house now. “So... yeah.”

“That’s good.”

_That tension._ I tried to focus. Stone pulled a thread out of his sweater.

“So you and Jeff, are you guys, like-“ he started.

I shook my head.

“We’ve just hung out and stuff. Nothing really... happened.”

“He’s been talking about you. I don’t know if you know this, but he likes you. I think he likes you a lot.”

I nodded. I did know. He’d told me.

“But, um - you just kissed me, so, I’m kind of - confused, I guess.” he said, directly.

“Well, technically _you_ kissed _me_ , so…”

Yes, it was weak, but the conversation felt really loaded.

He shook his head, laughed. “Oh, right.”

I sighed. “I don’t know, Stone. Are you asking me if I like Jeff?”

“I mean - do you?”

“To be honest, it hasn’t been the main thing on my mind lately, given everything else.” I wasn’t even sure if that was true, but…

We looked at each other for a moment.

“It’s weird, I feel like I… missed you,” he said, quietly. But I heard it; and it just wasn’t a Stone kind of thing to say, at all. And I felt so full of... some new kind of emotion, I don’t even know. I fought against it. _I'm not going to do this._

“You don’t really know me,” I said. In the long silence, I could hear the faint sound of a siren, the faint hum of the radio where I had turned it right down.

“I know. It’s weird.” He stared at his fidgeting hands.

I didn’t know what he was going through. I didn’t know too much about him at all either, really. But no matter how much I tried to push it down, I wanted to make the world just stop, right here where it was, for him. I reached out and touched his hand.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since that night,” he said, not looking at me.

When he said it, I felt my heart flip over; nothing I could do to stop it. It had been the same for me too. Much as I’d tried to forget about it, I couldn’t. 

I laced my fingers through his, my fingertips tracing his callouses. I just said:

“Me too.”

He looked at me, his eyes searching. I didn’t look away. And then, hesitantly, he leaned over and kissed me again, and I felt all the sadness and the confusion of the past few weeks just go away.

I pulled him close, gave myself up to it. The weight of him on me made my body come alive, I needed to be closer to him. We kissed for a long time, the heat of it going straight through me. I couldn’t get enough. I broke away, tugged at his sweater. He chuckled, saying, “Oh, I see, you just want me for my-“ and I stopped his mouth with another kiss.

“I’m not gonna let you make a joke right now.”

He nodded, kissed me again, pulled the sweater off and threw it on the floor. We both laughed, breathlessly, as I fumbled with the buttons on his blue and white flannel, trying to kiss him at the same time but kind of failing. He helped me out and I slid my hands under the tshirt he had underneath, feeling the warmth of his skin. At my touch, his breathing became harder. His thumb grazed over my nipple through the fabric of my dress and I gasped, feeling it rush through my whole body again. I pulled away-

“Um - do you want to-” 

I looked at my bedroom and then at him, he nodded. My heart hammering in my chest as we went to my room and I closed the door.

I stood there for a moment, trying not to think too much. Dizzy with what was happening. He sat down on the edge of the bed, reached for me. I went. He ran his hands over my body, pulled me in to kiss me on the bed. I moaned into it, pushing up against him, feeling how hard he was already. My mind racing.

“Wait.... what about Jeff?“ I said, his mouth on my neck, biting gently then kissing it.

“Fuck Jeff,” he whispered, kissing me more urgently.

His fingers trailed over my chest and stomach, pulling my dress up and then running over my core. His sharp intake of breath when he felt how wet I was for him, “ _fuck_ ” he said softly, kissing me again lingeringly, before moving down over my body, between my legs, the feel of his lips and hands on my thighs and moving inwards. I’d said I wasn’t going to do this. _Hadn’t I said that?_ But he was touching me, and I didn’t want him to stop. I was totally out of my mind.

“Stone...”

It came out more like a sigh than a protest. I was caught up in the sensations of his fingers gently teasing, running over me slowly, their roughness making me shiver - then his tongue slowly trailing, circling against my clit, making me writhe underneath him. I grabbed his hair, as I felt him gently slip one, then two fingers inside me and twisting them up, and I cried out in pleasure, pressing into it as he fingered me harder, needing more; lost in the mix of pleasure that was almost painful and the softness of his tongue.

I was getting so close. But I was also kind of thinking about Jeff, and the band, and what a mess I’d made.

Which made me panic.

“Stone… stop,” I panted.

He did, raising his head to me. He was so gorgeous. His eyes; that questioning look.

“We can’t do this.”

He slowly slid his fingers out of me, I couldn’t help gasping at the sensation of it as he did, which made him bite his lip - obviously just as turned on, and trying equally hard to push it down. And then he looked at me. Waiting for me to say something.

“God, I’m sorry - it would just be wrong. Jeff-“

He moved back up to me then, pressing his body against mine, making me look at him as I tried to keep my thread.

“You don’t want Jeff,” he said softly, his eyes on me, and I shivered, the built up pleasure inside me like an ache, but-

“Maybe I do, I don’t… know…”

My words hung between us for a second, loaded. He pulled away, looked at me.

“Maybe?”

“I don’t _know!”_

I looked somewhere else, at the wall, at the ceiling. I didn’t know what I was doing. I tried to breathe normally as I said-

“I slept with him.”

At this, I saw his brow crease slightly like it wasn’t easy to hear me say that.

“And I’ve seen him a few times, and I just- I mean, if nothing else, it just isn’t right. You guys are friends, and you’re in a band together. I should never have got in the middle of that. I was stupid-”

“OK, can I ask you something?”he cut in.

I stared at him. “OK.”

“Did you fuck Jeff to piss me off?”

It was strange, but he didn’t even sound angry, really.

“Just tell me.”

I remembered how I’d felt that day. How I’d just wanted to forget and move on.

“Maybe,” I said, finally.

Stone nodded. Sat up, pulled his hair back off his face. He looked mixed up. I felt awful. I sat up too, pulling my dress back down and reaching for him. He let me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling his heartbeat still going fast, like mine.

“I messed up,” I said quietly. I felt his fingers run through my hair, down my back. It made me shiver, draw closer. “He doesn’t know about us, at all,” I said after a moment, looking at him, “and I feel like if he did, it might be weird between you guys, so…”

We were so close, it was hard to stay focused. We both wanted this, but we also both knew the situation was complicated. Hearing about how things had been with the band, I knew Stone and Jeff didn’t need to be fighting over a girl right now.

But he was just... well, he was _Stone_ , and I couldn’t help closing the space between us again and kissing him, feeling him respond immediately, his hands moving to my waist and up, pulling me closer...

“ _Fuck,_ I’m sorry-“ I gasped, pulling away.

He stared at me. “ _What_ do you want?”

“It’s... complicated.”

He kind of laughed at that, shook his head.

“No, it’s _not_. Someone said that to me once- you just decide what you want and you go get it.”

“Well, they sound like they have it all figured out,” I said dryly. He didn’t reply. I fidgeted with the fabric of my nightdress, wanting to touch him so much, but - “I don’t want to hurt anyone. I already said- I messed up. There’s a reason why I’ve been avoiding you-“

“I don’t care about that,” he said then, cutting me off. He was looking right at me, his green eyes intense. “I don’t _care_ what Jeff thinks, what he wants. And yeah, maybe that makes me an asshole. And I _know_ , I fucked up before, but the stuff you said that night... well, it kind of hurt me too, and I’m not gonna say I’m, like, _happy_ that you slept with him, right after that. But I _get_ it, I guess.“

He fidgeted, sighed heavily. I could tell there was something else. He carried on-

“I, um… When you were away, I… I hooked up with... someone else.” He looked me in the eyes. I didn’t know how to feel. “And I wanted to tell you, because... full disclosure, I guess. But also, because it made me realise something about you, or - about _us_ , I don’t know. Like, I _give a shit_. It’s different. It _is_. So I don’t want you to feel _guilty_ , or whatever, about the Jeff thing. Stuff happens.”

“OK.” I said quietly. I felt shitty at the thought of him with someone else. Which was probably how he felt about me and Jeff. He looked at me, his green eyes never moving.

“I don’t want anyone else. Just you.”

“OK,” I said softly. “Me either.” 

He stopped fidgeting, suddenly still.

“Oh. OK.”

“But I don’t know what to do now,” I said. Feeling so caught up in him, every detail. We were so close. I _did_ know what to do. He nodded.

“That’s OK. Just... be here.”

I pressed my forehead against his and he kissed me, gently. I pulled at his shirt and he took it off, in the light of the Christmas lights I’d strung up around my room his smooth pale skin glowed. I ran my hands over his chest, kissing his shoulder, his neck. He closed his eyes and sighed, it was the first time I’d seen him relax the whole time. 

He carefully lifted my dress over my head and smoothed his hands over my body, sending shivers through me. It felt like there was nothing else in the whole world except here, this dark room.

“Wait, are you sure?” he whispered, tilting my face up to him, and I nodded. I didn’t want to talk any more.

Then, I moved down from his lips, placing soft kisses all over his chest and his toned stomach. He was so goddamn beautiful. When I got to his jeans I undid them, sliding them down and immediately taking him in my mouth, wanting to make him feel the way he could make me feel. The contact of my lips and tongue made his breath catch, his fingers grasping my bed sheets, and it only turned me on more.

“Jesus... Sara,” he moaned as I moved up and down his length, teasing the head of his cock with my tongue and grasping him at the base with my hand.

His body responding under me, his breathing and the way he tangled his hands in my hair, just made me want him more. “I’m close, come here,” he panted, I kept going but soon he gently pulled me away, gathering me up and kissing me, biting my lip as I moaned into it, completely caught up. I just wanted him, all of him.

He reached down between us and stroked me in a rhythm that had me totally out of my mind, until I finally felt him pressing against my entrance and pushing inside me inch by inch, I gasped at the sensation of it, as he groaned into my shoulder, his soft hair falling forward, tangling in my fingers

“Go slow,” I whispered, wanting to make it last. He pulled my leg up to wrap around him and my body pushed up against his with every thrust, sending jolts of pleasure through me each time.

Time seemed to slow down, all I was aware of was the nearness and warmth of him, the taste of him, the way he gasped against my lips, the flash of his green eyes. He was here, and he was mine.

Neither of us could keep control for long and he went harder, pulling my hips forward so he hit deeper, making me cry out loud, biting my hand to try and stifle it, at which he pulled my hand away and pinned it to the bed, his eyes intense on me as I moaned “Stone... oh my God...” 

I reached down between us and started to touch myself, then his fingers traced over mine, murmuring, “Let me, I really want to make you come”, kissing me as his fingers played over my clit. The mix of his deep thrusts and his teasing fingertips built in me til I couldn’t hold on any longer, all the frustration and need in me crashing at once, tightening around him as he thrust harder a few times, shuddered in his own release.

I didn’t want to be anywhere else, couldn’t think of anything except him, the feel of his body, the race of his heartbeat. The connection we had was undeniable, I hadn’t felt it with Jeff or anyone else. I knew that much.

As both of us struggled to catch our breath again, I trailed my fingers over his chest, still trembling from the aftershocks. He took my hand and held it tight, kissing my fingertips. With my other hand I played with a strand of his hair that had fallen forward. 

For once, he wasn’t fidgeting, over-thinking. Maybe I was a little, though, because I felt a pang of anxiety and looked up at him.

“What, um- what about the band? Jeff, I mean-”

“It’ll work out,” he said.

He didn’t sound totally convinced. But I had to let it go.

“Just be here,” he said, again. “It’s gonna be OK.”

I laid my head on his shoulder. I didn’t know if that was true; but I felt like I was completely where I should be right now.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: soft smut warning!

##  **Sara**

When I woke up the snow had turned to rain, gently pattering on my window. The streetlights outside were still on, it was right before dawn - the only time it seemed like the city slept. I shifted in bed, half asleep, unused now to the feeling of someone else there next to me. 

Then I remembered, blinking, as I looked at Stone, his hair messy against my pillow, the shadow of his eyelashes against his cheeks. It was almost strange to see him like that, at peace. Not over thinking or trying to make a stupid joke. I ran my finger over his perfect cheekbone, he stirred slightly. I didn’t want to be the creep who watches someone while they sleep, but I also just didn’t want to stop looking.

I traced over his bottom lip with my fingertip. He pulled me in, sleepily. I breathed in his skin, feeling that familiar pang I got whenever he was near. When I nuzzled into him he found my lips with his, I didn’t know if he was really asleep or awake, but when I slipped my tongue in his mouth he moaned softly and kissed me deeper, his hands moving to my back and waist, as I felt him press against me. I pressed back, and he pulled me on top of him, his eyes opening as I took him inside me, enjoying the feeling of his skin against mine as he guided my body with his hands on my waist. 

Pretty soon I was a trembling, moaning mess on top of him, and at some point he laid me back down and moved to go down on me, finishing me with his fingers and tongue, the orgasm shattering through me. When he came back up and collapsed next to me, fully awake now, I giggled breathlessly and he grinned, shook his head in that insanely cute way.

“OK, morning,” I said. 

He pulled me into his chest, burying his face in my hair. “It’s not morning. Also, I’m dead,” he said.

“ _Noooooo_!”

It was starting to get light outside. I didn’t care. I had nowhere to be, except here. To be honest, I didn’t know how I was ever gonna leave this bed.

“Well I’m glad you’re still here,” I said, kissing his chest as I remembered that first time we’d been together - how he’d just left before it had a chance to be anything. 

“OK, that’s fair.”

I propped myself on my elbow to look at him as he smoothed his hair back, glanced at me then looked away, grinning. 

“What? I’m sorry!” I said, giggling. 

“Trying... very hard… to think of like a self deprecating joke right now.”

I kissed him on the cheek, impulsively, and he laughed, saying: “You’re pretty cute.”

It was slowly getting light around us in the room. My eye caught Friend Bear in the corner of the room, the one Jeff had won me at the Fun Forest. I tried not to think about it. Stone shifted onto his side, looking at me. His green eyes bright.

“So um... about last night,” he said.

We both laughed. I felt so light, for the first time in ages. I played with his hair.

“Last night _and_ this morning?”

“Right.”

“Well, I’m really glad you came over,”

He opened his mouth like he was gonna reply, then closed it again, and just nodded. With him, I knew I wasn’t gonna get a lot. But I was OK with where I stood. 

“Do you need to be anywhere right now?”he asked.

“Um. So I kind of quit my job,” I said, realising I’d pretty much forgotten about it. He raised an eyebrow. 

“Wow.”

“Yeah, um… it kind of was and wasn’t a totally spur of the moment decision.”

“Was it just because you wanted to have sex with me all day today?”

I blushed and he laughed. “Uh… well.”

“I mean, that’s kind of a lot of pressure for me-“he began, I kissed him and he smiled, pulling me closer. “Hey, I just said I was dead.”

“Evidence would say otherwise.”

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

“The _flesh?”_ I giggled as he kissed my neck. 

“Talking dirty is one of my greatest strengths.” His mouth moved to mine and I shivered, it was crazy what he could do to me. We kissed for a while, it turning more heated and I felt the ache for him again, even though I’d already come twice that morning. Eventually I pulled away, looked at him. 

“I like your eyes,”I said.

“OK.”

“That was it.”

He smiled, looking kind of embarrassed, and his eyes flicked away. “Nice Care Bear by the way. Is this a new acquisition?”

I felt a pang of something in me when I looked at the bear. Jeff. “Uh, kind of.” I didn’t want to talk about it with him. That afternoon with Jeff had been so lovely. He was honestly one of the sweetest guys I’d ever met, and I was increasingly aware of how this whole thing might hurt him. There was so much I liked about Jeff; his creativity, his openness and his warmth. I’d probably messed up any chance of being friends with him, though. The whole thing was a mess. 

Stone must have noticed me looking worried. “You OK?”

“Yeah.” I took his hand, played with his long fingers. “I was just thinking about, um… Jeff.”

“... OK.”

“Not like… oh, I don’t know. I feel bad,” I said.

“I know.”

“I mean… I think he might be upset about this.”

Stone sighed. “Well, maybe. But like - he’ll be OK.”

“Will _you guys_ be OK?”

I thought about the tension between Stone and Jeff when they were working together yesterday. The critical way they both talked about each other sometimes, that kind of strange relationship they seemed to have. It was all building toward something eventually, and I felt like I was part of that now. I looked at Stone and I could see he was thinking about it too. He didn’t answer for a moment.

“I mean, as far as, we want to play music together, and we want the band to work. Then yeah. We’ll be OK. But, um- God, I don’t know.” He exhaled. “The band, it’s not… like, it’s not really functioning the way it should right now.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“In terms of the like, I guess the _dynamic_.”

He was being cagey. Even to me, right now, I didn’t think he was gonna open up. That was Stone. I thought about everything I knew so far about Mother Love Bone. The way Greg snarked about Stone and Jeff at Alicia’s, and then the argument between them all that finished with Stone leaving the party. Andy’s stint in rehab; not his first either. Stone and Jeff's frustrations with each other. Even the way Andy bitched about the press photo. 

On stage, they were electric; but off stage it seemed like something was wrong. I didn’t know anything about bands; maybe it didn’t matter. Or maybe all the problems would go away when they got famous. At least, that’s what it seemed like everyone was thinking. Like - you could take the band out of Seattle and all their problems would disappear. I wasn’t sure it was exactly _realistic._ But I didn’t say anything, at all.

“Well I’m going for a job at Sub Pop,” I said, thinking a change of subject was probably best. I didn’t expect him to laugh. “What?!”

“Just…” He shook his head. “No, that’s cool. I just did not expect you to say that.”

“Hey, I’m excited about it!” I said, but when he kissed me I couldn’t be mad. I got a bit distracted, but eventually I carried on. “Umm… Grace got me an in. I went to their office the other day and met, um - Bruce? And Jon.”

Stone nodded. “They’re good guys. We made a record with them a couple of years ago, Bruce was big into Green River.”

“They didn’t want to sign Mother Love Bone?”

He smiled wryly. “I don’t feel like it was the, uh - Sub Pop sound. They jumped on Mudhoney pretty quick.”

“Mark’s band?” I asked. He nodded.

“Well, worked out for you guys anyway, right?”

“Yeah, we’re pretty happy with PolyGram. I mean, the whole major label thing is kind of different. There’s a lot of, um - just a lot of bullshit, but it’s cool. We didn’t want to be confined too much by like, the Seattle sound, or whatever.” He said “Seattle sound” in this way that made me chuckle, it did sound pretty ridiculous. “Sub Pop has some good bands though. I mean Mudhoney are way better than Green River ever were.”

“Nirvana?” I asked, thinking of the CD I’d been given to write about. 

Stone nodded. “Yeah, they’re OK. I saw them play recently. I mean, it’s that whole, distortion, wailing thing. The singer is kind of intense.”

“I have to write about their record for Sub Pop. As in, to get the job.”

“OK, in that case Nirvana are like, the best band in the Pacific Northwest. They go up to eleven.”

I giggled. “They’re one louder.” 

That made him laugh and kiss me again.

“Fuck, stop - if you quote Spinal Tap at me I’m gonna just take you right now.”

“OK. Um-“ It was pretty hard to concentrate with him pressed against me like that. My mind was blank, even though I loved that movie. “I literally have nothing.” 

We kissed again and I shivered as his hands moved over me. I couldn’t hold back a moan as his fingers brushed over my core, circling my wetness over my clit and making me gasp and press into it. His tongue teased against mine as he fingered me, sending jolts of sensation through me. He watched me as I shuddered against him, his green eyes darkened. Holding me on the edge with his light, insistent touch. But I couldn’t last long. “Fuck, Stone, _oh my God._ ” Again, I really didn’t see how I was ever gonna get out of this bed. I gasped into his shoulder, catching my breath. He brushed back my messy hair from my face, his eyes intense on me.

“OK, that was…” he started as i looked at him, trying not to blush. “I’m just gonna keep doing that,” he said.

I smiled. “OK, I have no complaints.”

“Uh, so……. _Nirvana_ ,” he said, chuckling.

“Yeah.”

“They’re a… great…. Seattle.. band” he said, inbetween me kissing him. When I pulled him closer he was so hard, and when he pushed inside me I thanked God that Lil had finally gone home for Christmas, since holding back was not really an option.

We stayed like that for a couple of hours, just kissing and touching or whatever we had the energy for, I got up once to fetch water but I didn’t want to stay away for longer than a minute. It was one of those times you can only have right at the start of something, when you’re insanely into someone and they’re insanely into you, and things like food and water and sleep and life don’t exist anymore. By the time the sun was high outside my window, we were both an exhausted sweaty mess. 

“God, we should get up,” I said.

“Definitely.”

We stayed where we were.

“Are you going to Chris Cornell’s party, by the way?” I asked, remembering. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna make an appearance. My family kind of makes a big deal out of Christmas, so…”

“That’s really nice.”

He chuckled. “Yeah. I guess. Cornell gives me a hard time, but… I mean, the guy thinks Santa isn’t real, can you believe that?”

I giggled. He looked at me. 

“You didn’t want to stay in Ohio this year?”

“I um..” I shrugged. It was hard to explain. “After the funeral, I just… I just wanted to go. Does that make me a bad person, or..?” He shook his head, and I thought about it. “I asked my mom to come here, I even said I’d pay for her flight, but - she wouldn’t. I guess she’ll go to my aunt’s or something. I’ll call her.” I’d said I would call her when I got back to Seattle, but I hadn’t. It felt like I had a lot to think through, but I hadn’t done that yet. Being back here, I felt _safe_ \- I felt like I was in control, in my own place, and I didn’t want the old feelings coming back and changing it. Especially not right now. “It’s a long story.”

“What is?”

“Like, my _life._ ”

He grinned. “What are you, twenty?”

“Nineteen.”

“That’s not too long.”

I didn’t want anything to be serious right now. I sat up, smoothing down my hair quite unsuccessfully. “OK, I’m gonna shower.” I looked at him. “Do you want to-“

“OK, but, disclaimer: I literally don’t think I can have sex again,” he said.

I giggled and shook my head. “What are _you_? Like, sixty-five?!”

“ _Wow.”_

“I’m kidding, that’s fine.” I got up and searched for a spare towel in my closet. It was an incredibly threadbare, floral beach towel that I’d stolen from my old place with Logan. Stone raised his eyebrows. 

“Did you like, steal that from your work?”

I threw it at him and he caught it. 

“Yeah, I didn’t have time to wash it though, so-“ He dropped it and I cracked up. “No, I didn’t steal it from work.” I wrapped my towel around me and glanced in the mirror, shaking my head at my dishevelled reflection. “OK, shower now.”

It was pretty much the world’s worst shower, with water that randomly went from hot to cold, but I didn’t mind since I was enjoying watching Stone with his hair all wet and plastered to his shoulders, the water running over his body. I stood on my toes and kissed him, he smiled against my mouth, blinking away the water from his eyes and gathering my wet hair in his hand, pulling me closer. 

“OK, maybe I can.” 

I felt my heart flip over as he gently pushed me against the wall. Right at that moment, the water suddenly went freezing cold and I squealed as he was like “Jesus!” - but we didn’t move. 

Eventually we made it out, and I put some coffee on then sat on my bed while I combed out my hair, watching Stone wearing only a towel around his waist, looking around my room. He scanned my bookcase, which was full of ancient paperbacks I’d scammed at yard sales and stuff. I’d left most of my books home in Ohio when I left. 

“You like old books?”he asked.

“Um, I like cheap books.”

“Have you read this?” He pulled one out, a dog eared copy of _Fast Times at Ridgmont High_ , one of the only books I’d taken with me when I moved out of Logan’s apartment. 

“Uh, yeah. It’s one of my favorites.”

“You know you met the author the other day at the Raison? Cameron?”

“Yeah, I kind of embarrassingly told him what a fan I was.”

He grinned and read the blurb on the back, then cracked up.

“What?!”

“ ‘ _Inexperienced teen Stacy is trapped in a love triangle with nice guy Mark and his buddy Mike…_ ’ Is this you?”

I stared at him, trying not to laugh. “Woah!”

“Jeff is totally Mark,” he said.

“I am not trapped in a _love triangle…_ ”

“Who’s hotter, Mark or Mike?”

I shook my head. “They’re _both_ hot.”

He put the book back on the shelf. “I think she totally fucks Mike and then she realises what a catch Mark is, and then it’s all over.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Uh huh.”

He moved on, looking over my pinboard. Amongst the ticket stubs and random notes and photos I’d stuck up there, was my dad’s picture. 

“Is this your dad?”

I nodded.

“Wow. Did he serve?”

“In Vietnam. When I was a baby.”

He looked at the picture for a long moment. 

“Handsome guy. I can see you kinda look like him.”

“Really?”

“I think so.”

I didn’t want to talk about my dad. I finished combing my hair and got up, looking for something to wear. I pulled on some underwear and a Ramones t-shirt, just as I heard the phone ring. 

“I’ll be right back.”

I went and picked it up, shivering a little in the chilly living room. This apartment was usually too hot or too cold. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Weller.”

“Oh. Alicia. Hi!”

“How are you?”

“I’m, um… I’m good actually. How are you?”

She sighed at the other end. 

“Kind of bored. My parents are in full Christmas mode and I literally hate it, so… you want to go get lunch or something? It’s been forever.”

“I.. um, actually I can’t right now.”

“Are you working this afternoon?”

“No, it’s just…uh… not a good time.” I fingered the phone cord.

“Oh my god, you have a guy there.”

“Leesh-“

“ _Do_ you?”

“No!”

“Who is it?”

“I don’t…”

“Bullshit. I wanna see you. Can you meet later?”

i glanced over to my bedroom. “Um… I guess so.”

“OK, like, seven ish? Let’s go to the OK Hotel.”

“OK.”

“Perfect. See you then.”

“OK, see you.”

I hung up. I supposed I was just gonna have to tell Alicia what had happened, I was sick of not being upfront with people - and she was my best friend. I wanted her to be my best friend again. I weirdly missed her. 

I went back in and Stone was half dressed, pulling back on his shirt. 

"That was Alicia.”

He stopped, looked at me for a moment. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I haven’t seen her in a while. Actually, she’s been kind of.. weird.”

“Weird? Like, how?” He ran his hand through his hair in that nervous sort of way.

“i don’t know, just… I felt like she was avoiding me, I don’t know. Have you seen her lately?”

“Um, no.. I haven’t. Not since like, her party a few weeks ago,” he said.

“Oh. Well anyway, I’m seeing her later.”

He looked at me. “You are?”

“Yeah, I mean, she sounds kind of down.”

“Right.”

“Anyway.” 

I crossed over to my desk and picked up the Nirvana CD. “You wanna listen to this?”

He grinned, rolling his eyes. “Sure.”

I carefully took the CD out and put it in my stereo. The insistent baseline of the first track filled my room, loud, and I turned the volume down a little. It was hard, edgy. The vocal came in harsh against the guitar riff. Dark and dirty. I looked at Stone, who nodded. It wasn’t punk, it wasn’t metal. I liked it. I sat back on the bed closed my eyes and let the music fill my ears. I liked it. I really fucking liked it. 

By the beginning of the third track, which had a jangling 60s guitar, I was like, “OK, I’m sorry but this is…” I searched for the right word, something that wouldn’t make me sound lame, but I couldn’t find one. “It’s really good.”

“I think you’re gonna need a more articulate way to phrase that in your review,” Stone said, his fingers fidgeting as he listened. 

“Is this grunge?” I asked, and when he laughed I put my hands over my face. “OK, I’m _sorry_ , but everyone’s saying it.”

“Um, yeah. I’d say it’s… _grunge_.” 

“Don’t make fun of me,” I said, and he kissed me, gently, his hand cupping my face. It lingered for a long moment as the rasping voice carried on in the background. It was a different sound entirely to Mother Love Bone. I liked it though. But it was gonna be one to listen to again, when I didn’t have a gorgeous guy on my bed.

I kind of lost track of time after that - but somehow it was around four o clock and already starting to get dark outside. I couldn’t believe that if things were different, I’d be at my shitty job right now feeling weird about Stone. He was just _here,_ and I felt good - about music, about the future, about us. Whatever “us” might be. 

“I should probably get home,” Stone said a long while later, after we finished eating some slightly stale saltine crackers, literally the only food in my kitchen cupboard. “My mom’s gonna be calling the cops.”

“That’s cute.”

He shook his head fondly. “She’s ridiculous.”

“You were clearly a loved child.”

He looked sideways at me, but I was smiling. “That’s kinda dark.”

“Is it grunge though?”

“ _No one_ says that word, Sara.”

I giggled and scrunched up the saltines packet, managed to aim it successfully in the trash can. “I’m gonna be the one to make grunge cool.”

“You know I was in the first ever grunge band,” he said, pulling me onto his lap.

“Green River?”

“Yep.”

“Impressive.”

He kissed me. “I really should go.”

“OK.”

He looked at me for a moment, a cute smile on his face. 

“This is not what I was expecting, at all.”

“What?”

“Just… like… a thing.”

“A _thing?_ ”

“I usually have like everything… figured out.”

“Really?”

“Kind of.”

I searched his face. After his previous freak-outs, I wasn’t sure. But he didn’t seem to be freaking out right now.

“Well. Just... be here,” I said, what he’d said to me last night. He smiled.

“OK. But, I’m gonna go now.”

I nodded. “OK, I should get ready to go see Alicia soon I guess.”

He looked at me for a moment and it seemed like he was about to say something, but he didn’t. I climbed off him and watched him as he got ready to leave. He pulled on his grey sweater, emerging with his hair all mussed up in the cutest way. 

“So I guess… I’ll see you at Cornell’s?”he said.

“Right.” I bit my lip, the anxiety rising up in me unstoppably. “Um, about Jeff-“

He shook his head. “i’ll figure it out.”

“OK.”

He could see I wasn’t convinced, and came over to kiss me, firmly. “Stop worrying.”

“OK.”

I followed him to the door, wishing he wasn’t leaving, even though I’d spent the past however many hours literally wrapped up in him. 

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, and kissed me again. I nodded. 

“That would be nice.”

“OK.”

“I’ll see you.”

“See you.”

I watched him go, and then went to the window and watched him some more. I made myself some more coffee, feeling completely dead from the day, and went to my room to start working on my Nirvana piece before getting ready to see Alicia.

##  **ALICIA, last night**

I was trying not to read too much into it. Maybe he _was_ busy. I was trying to figure out his mom on the phone. Was that like - _pity_ in her voice? I stared at myself in the mirror as I sat there, the phone clamped to my ear. I was wearing the Alaia dress Sara sold me the day I met her. I’d twisted my hair up, slipped my grandma’s old diamonds in my ears. My mom was hosting a drinks party downstairs for the Seattle Democrats. They liked me to be there, sweet talk the old men about donating. Gross. I did shit like this so they didn't think too much about the fact I was still living at home, no plans at all. It felt like I would be here forever. The thought of leaving made me… panic.

“Sorry, honey. I think it’s just a busy time with the band. I’ll get him to call you back,” Stone’s mom said.

“Sure. Thank you,” I said, trying to keep it bright. Both of us probably still thinking about that morning at the house a couple years back when I’d left Stone in his bed, not knowing what the fuck to think. His words still ringing in my ears. _I fucking love you._

I put the phone down, harder than I needed to. The sound of Christmas music wafting up the stairs. 

I thought about the last time I saw Stone. I knew I’d hurt him, in a couple of different ways. And I didn’t really know why. 

Except I did know why.

I went to my closet, stood on my toes and pulled out the shoeboxes and crap on the top shelf. Reached around, my arm going as far as I could get it. Found the small piece of paper, folded up to a quarter of its size. I unfolded it. 

_“- til the end of the end of time. S”_

I remembered this paper, wrapped around a Sisters of Mercy tape he left in my letterbox. Forever ago now. The tape was called “First and Last and Always”. I listened to it til it wore out. Dumb, really.

I scrunched up the paper in my hand, til it chafed my skin. I threw it in my trash can. 

I looked out the window. Ships passing over the Sound, their tiny lights making them seem so small in the dark. I remembered him being here, not wanting to leave. I wondered where he was right now. I went to the trash and got the piece of paper out. Then I put it back in. I sat down on the floor. For some reason I thought about being in Stone’s attic, years ago, right after I got back from rehab. That stupid book. Choose Your Own fucking Adventure. 

_“You peer through the fog and find you’re standing on the edge of a cliff. The drop below is several hundred feet. If you decide to turn back and try and return to base camp, dodging the Yeti, turn to page 87. If you try and scale the cliff with your trusty ice axe, turn to page 90. You might end up famous - or you might never return at all.”_

_“Ice axe,” he says immediately._

_“Really?”_

_“What, you’re gonna just go back?”_

_“I’m not gonna jump off a fucking several-hundred-foot cliff-“_

_“Keep going! You want to get pounded by the Yeti in the fog?”_

_“Why do you even like this stuff? I don’t even wanna like, choose what to have for breakfast.”_

_“Trust me on this. You can’t just go back. You have to keep going.”_

_“Can’t I just like, stay on the cliff?”_

_“That’s not a choice.”_

_“I wanna stay on the cliff,” I say._

_“Well, if you’re staying on the cliff, then I’m staying on the cliff.”_

I closed my eyes, hugged myself real tight. 

“Alicia?” My mom at the door. “I need you downstairs.”

“I’m not… feeling well.”

“Take an aspirin.” Her footsteps, going back down.

I stood up slowly, checked my eye makeup. Stopped thinking, which is totally possible if you really try. I looked good. I _was_ good. Nothing was changing at all. 


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In California now with a couple of different years and some escapades, with just a hint of RHCP crossover + surfer boy! 

##  **Meg**

##  **1989**

I managed to persuade him the Bad Radio show would be fun, but Jack didn’t talk too much all the way down to San Diego. We stopped for gas and snacks, he got a huge black coffee and took forever to drink it. I messed with the radio. When I landed on a station playing “Crush on You” by The Jets, I stopped, had to laugh. It took me back to the first time I was in LA. The night that broke up Green River.

##  **Los Angeles, October 1987**

In the taxi all the way to our hotel, me and Grace rolled down the windows and asked the driver to turn up the radio as we both yelled stuff out that soared past - “Ohmygod it’s the Hollywood sign!” “Sunset _Bou-le-vard_!” 

I laughed to see Grace sing along, her cute little face bright with excitement - _“I never knew - a rumor- could spread so fast”_. I bobbed my head along with her, both singing the chorus: _“How did you know, ‘cos I never told, you found out I’ve got a crush on you?”_

I cracked up. “You’re gonna sing this to Stone.”

Her smile wavered. I knew her. “Shut up.”

_“How did you know, cos I never-“_

“Seriously, Meg.”

I stopped, frowning, but she just looked out the window. “Oh hey - this is Rodeo Drive.”

“You OK?”I asked.

She turned a dazzling Hollywood smile on me, her shades down. “I’m great.”

I didn't push it.

We were staying at the Beverley Hilton. Grace chose it because it was where they held the Golden Globes, that was so her. This trip was her nineteenth birthday present; that was the kind of thing her family did. I mean, my mom got me soap from the age of about twelve. It was soap she knew I liked, but…. Well. That was how it was for me. Green River were driving down in Stone’s car, they’d just played a show in San Francisco. They were breaking out of Seattle, kind of, one seedy dive at a time.

Anyways, me and Grace pulled up at this big white hotel and the bellboys helped us get our bags. I just brought my old canvas hiking rucksack, Grace had her mom’s Louis Vuitton wheelie. We sashayed through to the lobby, imagining everybody was looking at us; we were so lame. When we got up to our room I faceplanted on one of the big white beds and Grace went to go stand on the balcony, checking out the pool.

“This is good,” she said, turning her face up to the sun. She’d taken off her jacket and was soaking up the October sunshine - that was a thing, in LA. I thought how pretty she was. Stone was a dumbass, if he couldn't see how insanely pretty and nice she was.

“We need a photo.”

Grace rustled in her purse for her Polaroid. I went and stood on the balcony, leaning against the rail. I tied my shirt up to my belly button, struck a glam pose. Grace giggled as she snapped me. “You look good.”

“Now you.”

She shook her head, but I went and physically grabbed her and pulled her onto the balcony. I mussed up her curls, which made her scowl, and she put her shades back on and posed like a dancer. “Very nice,” I said.

“I’m in _Hollywood_!” Her smile was so wide. We’d been wanting to come here forever.

We put our heads together and took one, praying we got the aim right. When the photo came out, Grace was slightly out of the frame, but it kind of worked. I looked down at the azure pool, beautiful people lying around it under big red umbrellas, a lone guy doing laps.

“I wanna go swimming.”

“OK, but should we call Leesh?”Grace said, biting her lip.

Alicia had refused to come with us. I didn't know what was up with her lately. Since the Green River record release party she had been kind of weird. She kept making excuses not to go to shows, and it was annoying because a lot of times if she wouldn’t go, then Grace wouldn’t go. I just started making other friends. It wasn’t a huge deal. also, Chris was always there, and he’d look after me.

Anyway, I could not believe she would turn down the chance to go to LA, especially to see Green River play with Jane’s Addiction, but she did. She said she needed to study, some bullshit like that. I had a hunch something happened with Stone that night of the record release, but honestly, I didn't care to ask. Weirdly, even Grace hadn’t seemed too excited about this trip lately. I almost thought she was gonna back out.

“We’ll call her later.” I saw Grace hesitate. “I promise.”

“But should we call Jeff and Stone?”

“No! It’s a surprise, dude!”

“Yeah,” Grace said, “Um, but maybe we should-“

“Nope. We’ll see them later at SCREAM.” I looked for my bikini in my rucksack. “Come on. I need to go get sunburned and check out LA guys.”

Later on, we got ready. We’d been shopping because none of the clothes we had brought from Seattle seemed to work. I had this green spotted leotard I found in a tacky shop with wall to wall mirrors and neon lights and hip hop blaring out of the speakers, with some tight black pants. Grace bought a skin tight off the shoulder black dress at Guess?, teased her hair out. We did each others makeup. Grace was sitting on the toilet seat as I crouched in front of her, concentrating on the purple shadow I was blending around her eyes. She seemed quiet.

“What’s up, Gracey?”

“Nothing.”

She shook her head, and my hand slipped. “Hey, no moving.” I licked my finger and fixed her makeup. “But seriously, what? Because you know you’re gonna just get drunk and tell me later anyway, so…”

She looked down, her long spidery lashes flaking off on her cheeks. “Uh..”

“C’mon, you can confess to me. _Bless me Meg for I have sinned, it’s been nineteen years since my last-_ “

“I had sex with Stone.”

I stared at her, still holding my finger up to her eye to do her makeup. “What?”

“It was at Andy’s party in the woods. You weren’t there. Um, it was really stupid. I was really drunk and stuff, I shouldn’t have-“

“OK, stop. I mean, I kind of guessed you had a crush on him, but- really?” I mean- _was I the only one who had figured out he and Alicia had a thing?_ This was all just too incestuous and Capitol Hill for my liking. I didn't say that.

“I know. I was a total fucking idiot.”

I turned her chin up to me gently. “Baby, no. _You_ are not an idiot. I mean, firstly: who the fuck cares? You liked the guy, you fucked him, I mean, good for you. But secondly: this isn’t like something you did _wrong._ You don’t need to sit here feeling bad about it. You think he is?”

“I don’t know,” she said, almost hopefully.

“Well, I’m pretty sure he isn’t.”

I never knew Stone was such a Casanova, really. Had he hooked up with both Grace and Alicia? I mean, it had to be something like that, surely - that was why my friends were acting so weird. Jeez, what was he keeping in those overly tight pants? I cracked up at the ridiculousness of that thought, and Grace looked at me, then she laughed too.

“You gonna be OK?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m glad we’re here.”

“Me too. _Hollywood_!”

“Hollywood.”

“But let’s just make you look like, extra good, to piss off Stoney.”

I winked at her and the glitter I spread around her cheekbone caught the light perfectly. I felt magical, like it was gonna be a kind of special night.

“OK, wow,” Grace said as we walked up to the Embassy Hotel. “This is where the club is?”

I waved the flyer at her. We’d stolen it off a lamp post on Wilshire, chatted up some local biker guys who told us where to find SCREAM. We’d walked down Sunset as the evening came in, watching all the hair metal dudes, the rock chicks. The tramps and the beautiful girls wearing almost nothing. The air smelled hot and smoky and I loved it. I just loved it. We’d shared a takeout carton of fried rice from a Vietnamese place and a hip flask of vodka, sitting by the Chinese Theater like tourists, then thrown the flask in a trash can on the street corner, full of our buzz. And now here we were.

We got about ten feet away from the debonair doorman at the hotel, when he waved us to the left, shaking his head. I guess we were kind of conspicuous looking next to the suits and elegant ladies wandering in and out of the hotel. We went down some stairs and realised we were at the tinted double doors of a basement club. Some hyper-cool goth chick on the door, holding a list. I felt…. nervous. It wasn’t Seattle.

“Come on.” I took Grace’s hand and pulled her with me. The goth chick gave us the one-two. I thought she was gonna card us; I was ready, we brought our fakes. But she didn’t. She just stepped aside, barely, so we could get through, brushing her bare tattooed arm as we did.

Inside was dark and noise. There were huge speakers everywhere; huge video screens playing rock videos. The floor was so sticky where we stood, I felt the resistance when I tried to walk over it. The air was heavy with smoke, booze, bodies. I didn't let go of Grace’s hand. This blonde guy with huge permed hair and metal in his face checked us out as he went past unsteadily. In the middle of the dance floor it literally looked like a couple were having sex.

“OK, cool,” I said. “Drink?” I looked at Grace. “You want a drink?”

“Um, I’m good,” she said. “Bathroom?”

“We just got here. Are you OK?”

She looked at me. “This is _awful._ ”

I laughed. “Dude, we go to the fucking _Vogue_. This is _fine._ Let’s just get a drink.”

I dragged her over to the bar and got the bar guy’s attention. He was insanely beautiful; I had to look twice. Shaggy dark hair, something exotic about his face. He was wearing a tight black t-shirt. I kind of recognised him; maybe a TV movie or something like that. I’d never seen so many honest-to-God beautiful people in my life, as I had in the past 12 hours, swear to God. Actors slash models slash bellboys slash street walkers.

“Hey, can we get two vodka on the rocks?”

He grinned. “I’m out of rocks, but- sure.”

“Oh. Um, just - vodka then.”

_“_ Excellent _,”_ he said. He poured out two double measures and took my cash; I didn't get change for a twenty. Grace was getting the next rounds, then. I handed her the cup.

“OK, we’re gonna shot these and then we’re dancing.”

“Meg-“

“Don’t freak out.”

We clinked our plastic glasses and drank it down. The fire hit my throat, Grace coughed and I clapped her on the back. “Good girl.” Then I pulled her onto the dance floor.

They were playing some stuff we knew; some new wave, some hardcore, pop. I felt loose and also invisible, here - which was great. I liked that feeling. When they played Frankie Goes to Hollywood we lost it, spinning and singing to each other. The music echoing around me - _Relax, don’t do it_ , _when you wanna come, when you wanna come…_ Grace twirled me, again and again until I fell headlong into a group of guys dancing near us.

_“_ Woah! Are you OK?”

I looked at the guys. One tall with sun-kissed brown hair, one shorter with straight brown hair down to his waist, the other one tall but darker, seeming kind of shy. All _cute_.

“Um, yeah, I’m good. Sorry!” I yelled.

“You need to Relax,” the highlighted guy said, deadpan.

I got it, and laughed. Grace was at my side, staring at them. I could see the long haired guy checking her out. Checking both of us out, actually.

“I’m Antoine,” he said, smooth voiced. “You having fun?”

Over his head the two other guys exchanged a look; I saw one of them roll their eyes. OK, so he was _that_ friend.

I met his eyes. “Tons. Excuse us.”

I took her hand and pulled her back on the dance floor. Another song was playing now, sounded kind of like the Cure.

She glanced back. “They’re watching us,”

“So?” I pulled her in to me. To be honest, the way she was being about Stone, maybe a bit of male attention wouldn’t be a bad thing. I glanced back at them too. I liked the way they all smiled and laughed so much, touched each other a lot. They looked like the best kind of friends. They looked like they were having _fun._ I let us drift over there.

By the time the track switched over to some Prince, we were kind of all together in a circle. Antoine spread his arms wide, mouthed along to the intro: “ _Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today, to get through this thing called life…”_ I laughed out loud as he reached out to me, and as the beat kicked in he started to dance with me, his feet moving so fast. I cracked up, loving it. We were all dancing. The cool people staring at us. Not caring. All yelling “ _oh no let’s go!”_ in the chorus. I managed to shimmy out of long hair’s grip and was grooving with the tall dark guy, there was something about him I found kind of hot. He looked away, smiling kind of shyly as we danced. His friend with the highlighted hair just kept pushing him back to me.

When the song finished he leaned in and yelled, “Jack is a shy bastard but I know he likes you!”

I didn't stop dancing. “OK!”

He followed me, keeping in step. “I’m Hillel!”

“Meg! And that’s my friend Grace! We’re from SEATTLE!”

He looked at me like, _seriously_? I just kept dancing.

It was way too soon when the MC took the stage and announced the band.

“And we got a little treat for y’all tonight all the way from Seattle, Washington! The sound that - “ he read off a sheet in front of him- _“destroyed the morals of a generation,_ ladies and gentlemen. Green River!” 

The crowd kind of heckled at that, and me and Grace both cracked up because we were like, who the hell in Sub Pop came up with that shit and insisted on it? Stone was gonna be cringing so hard.

It was totally weird, to suddenly see Stone, Jeff, Mark, Bruce and Alex come out onto that stage down in LA. They looked… small. Too small for that stage. Mark was gonna have to step up his game, maybe climb up another PA. Their grungy punk thing seemed a little hokey all of a sudden, in this cavern full of the exotic.

I dragged Grace further forward but she hung back. “Can we just stay back here?”

I glanced over at the guys. “Um, OK? I thought you’d want to-“

“Here is good.”

The dark guy - Jack - came up behind me. “You guys are from Seattle too, right? You know them?”

“They’re our friends,” I said, watching Jeff mess with the tuning on his bass, seeing Mark have a whispered argument with Stone on stage. “Green River.”

“Nice. We’re in a band too,” he said.

“Oh yeah?” _You and every guy in the continental US, buddy._

“We’re called the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I play drums.”

“What?!”

“I play the drums!!”

“Your band is called _what_??”

“The Red Hot Chilli Peppers…”

But the guitars were starting up and Grace said to me,”Hey, you think they seem weird?” Pointing at Green River.

I looked at the stage again, and Jack disappeared somewhere. We watched as the guys got it together, I mean yeah, they seemed kind of out of it - Mark was jacked up on something, clearly, and Jeff broke a string at some point, I saw the tense look between him and Stone and I was like - _OK, that’s weird_ \- Stone didn't go help him, just stayed in his spot doing that weird little head-bob-mouthing thing he’d started doing on stage. He was kind of a dork. Grace was staring at him a lot, _annoying_.

They played an OK set but the sound wasn’t great for them, the distortion seemed way too heavy and buzzy in that basement. Mark’s voice was not great that night, he sounded like he’d maxed it out lately. I saw a lot of people wander out to get drinks while they were playing; stuff like that.

When they got off stage, I was like- “Let’s go find them.”

“They’re backstage aren’t they?”

“So? We can get back there.” I walked purposefully toward the door at the side of the stage. A big guy at the door stared me down.

“We’re here with Green River,” I said. He shrugged.

“I don’t know ‘em.”

“They were like, just on stage.”

“Sorry kid.”

I stared at him, just as a tall, skinny guy with little dreads came up next to me.

“Hey Gio. These girls are with me.”

I heard someone yell “YO, PERRY!” behind us, and looked up at the guy. I’d seen him on the cover of Music Connection a couple of months back. You couldn’t mistake him at all. Perry from Jane’s Addiction. Those big dark eyes; that wildness. 

He winked at me, put his skinny long arms round us both - he smelled _amazing_ \- and ushered us through the door.

When we got through he said: “Have fun, use a condom”, and wandered off, languid.

Me and Grace stared at each other. Just as we did, we heard a piercing yell.

“What the living _fuck_ are you guys doing here?”

Mark barrelled down the hallway and grabbed us, his eyes wild.

“What is this?!” he demanded.

“We came to surprise you guys,” I said. “Also- Perry from Jane’s Addiction just got us in here! Have you met him?”

Mark frowned a little which was weird. “Uh, yeah. I said hi. He’s, y’know. Cool. Anyway, c’mon. We’re drowning our sorrows.”

He dragged us into a side room, which was the size of a large closet. Jeff was sitting on the edge of a sink drinking a beer, Stone was carefully putting his guitar away. When Stone looked up and saw us, he looked… well, the only word I can use is terrified.

“Uhhh- hey,”he said.

“We came to surprise you guys,” I said again, lamely.

“Wow, that’s… nice, thank you,” Jeff said.

Stone was looking at the floor, definitely not at Grace. It was awkward, which was just irritating to me. This was supposed to be a fun thing.

“Well, we sucked,” Mark said, grabbing a random beer and drinking it.

“No, you were great!” Grace said, smiling. I loved her for that. “Hey, do you guys like LA? It’s super intense, huh? We’re staying at the Beverley Hilton, it’s literally like a movie or something.”

“It’s… whatever,” Mark shrugged. “Need to get back to Seattle and mix the record, though.”

“Yeah,” Stone said flatly. Well, he didn't sound too excited.

“Maybe if we were living the high life like you guys, but we’re in a Motel 6 in like, south central, so...” Jeff said. _Bitter much?_

Whatever the hell was going on with these guys, it wasn’t looking good. I picked up a beer and cracked it open, offered some to Grace who gratefully swigged it. Then I took it back and had some, noticing how tired and pissed the guys all looked.

“So you guys wanna come watch Jane’s Addiction?”

“I’m good here,” Mark said. He was literally sitting on the dirty floor with a can of shitty beer and a fucking magazine. Rock and roll, _Jesus_. I looked at Jeff.

“Ament?”

“Uh-“

“Gossard.”

Stone looked at me, almost nervously, I guess he was wondering if I knew about the Grace thing, I looked at him steadily.

“Come on. You’re in LA, you’re supporting _Jane’s fucking Addiction_ , get your asses outta here now and let’s go and watch some cool shit!”

Stone got up, Jeff hesitated. Stone looked at him, then at Mark. Then back at Jeff. I don’t know- something kind of passed between them, just for a split second. And then Jeff came with us.

We went out into the hallway, to where the stage wings were. The Jane’s Addiction guys were hyping themselves up back there, Perry shot us a peace sign and I caught the eye of the guitarist, this insanely hot dark haired guy slinging his Stratocaster over his ripped bare chest. The MC was whipping up the crowd, who were insane for these guys. Jack had told me before they were kind of an institution at this place.

And then they loped on stage, and everybody went wild. All the lights suddenly cut out; there were a few screams, then the sounds of steel drums and guitars. I didn't know how the hell they could play in the dark like that. But the rhythm was something that took me over. I heard the sound of so many feet moving, hands clapping in the dark. Perry yelling “ _one-two-three-fourrrrrrrrr_ ” and all the lights going up.

We all went wild. Fuck, pretty soon even Stone and Jeff were going wild. I saw them watching the drummer, all his cool shit that we’d never seen a drummer play before- bongos, steels as well as a kit. Watching that insane kid on guitar, watching Perry fall into the crowd with his arms stretched out like Jesus, never missing a note. 

They didn't have one _sound_ , this wasn’t Seattle. It was like a huge _jam_ , every song something different. They were electric. That is the only fucking word. I don’t know if it was the drink or tiredness or what, but I was dizzy with it. I felt like this was really something.

When the band got off stage we were all like, _woah._ Full of it. Stone and Jeff were _pumped_. Actually it was kind of nice to see, they were always stressed lately. Though obviously they were too awkward to tell the Jane’s Addiction guys - they were just like “great show”, playing it cool. But when we found Mark and the other guys backstage, they were so full of it, wanting them to love it too.

And Mark - he kept blocking it. “It’s not really our style”. “I’m pretty comfortable with where we’re at”. “It’s just really LA”. “It’s kind of corny, honestly.”

Me and Grace looking at each other like _seriously? Did you not just witness this?_ Bruce and Alex hadn’t even watched the show. You could cut the atmosphere in that little room. Well, I guess that all kind of makes sense now. 

Did Green River seem like a band about to break up? I mean... I feel like, they kind of always did.

When we found our way back out onto the floor I didn't think we’d see the guys from earlier again - but there they were, minus long hair guy. I made eye contact with Jack and I saw Hillel push him in my direction. We were with Stone and Jeff, the other Green River guys had left already. Stone and Jeff were still talking about Jane’s Addiction. They didn’t want to dance. They just stood there like two boring-ass old men, talking shop.

That new Salt n Pepa song was playing, Hillel was doing a stupid dance. He wiggled his eyebrows at me, _ooh baby baby, baby baby_. Doing this super awkward dance-walk towards me. It made me laugh so much. I knew we were gonna totally embarrass our friends, but whatever. We went over and danced like idiots as Stone and Jeff kept looking over. Maybe they recognised the guys from their band or something, the Red Hot Whatevers. They were such music nerds. But we didn’t really want them to come over.

When the song was over, Jack was like - “You guys wanna go somewhere else?” Me and Grace looked at each other.

“Uh, our friends-“ she started, glancing back at Stone and Jeff, and then I gripped her hand. Nodding.

“Totally.”

“OK, then let’s split.”

We left Stone and Jeff in that corner, ran up all the stairs back to the street.

Grace was like, “I’m _tired!”_

And Hillel said, “Get on my back.”

“Are you serious?”

“Just get on my back, I’ll carry you.”

And she did. He ran down the street with her on his back like a baby monkey, Jack on his heels yelling “it’s Whiskey o clock!” as Grace squealed, and I ran too, trying to keep up, thinking, _I’m never gonna forget this._ When we were all back in Seattle, Stone and Jeff were pissed about us splitting, but also kind of preoccupied because they quit Green River literally one week later. _Artistic differences._

When we stumbled out of Whiskey A Go-go at stupid o clock the next morning, the sun was turning everything this mellow yellow. We all shared a cigarette as we sat on the wall outside the Magic Castle, feeling like we were at some fucked up Disneyland.

“So you guys going back to Seattle?” Hillel asked - like there was an option.

“Nah,” I said, closing my eyes. I felt like I could fall asleep right there. Grace laid her head on my shoulder.

“Cool, so - can I get your number?”Jack said.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was no bullshit. I liked that.

“Sure.”

“We’re your LA friends now.”

“My _LA friends.”_ I grinned, kicked my feet. I’d lost my shoes, somehow. The sun on my face, not a cloud in the sky. “Hey - you guys wanna go swimming?”

##  **San Diego, 1989**

I smiled, looking out the window at the ocean, the sun almost slipped down behind it now. “Hey, you remember when we went swimming at the Beverley Hilton at like, six a.m.?” I’d been down to visit them a couple times after that, beaches and hangovers and adventures with those nut jobs - but it was that time I remembered the best.

Jack kept looking at the road. “Yeah.”

“Hillel was gonna do that dive, and we were like, _oh my God oh my God no it’s literally three feet deep-“_

“I remember.” He didn’t smile.

“Seems like forever ago.”

It wasn’t though. It was only a couple years.

“Should be there in about ten minutes,” Jack said, turning off the radio. “I couldn’t get a hold of Eddie, so I guess we’ll just see him at the show.”

“OK.”

“You haven’t talked much about your friends.”

“Jeff and Stone?”

“Yeah. They got signed, right?”

“Yeah, they did. Their new band.”

“That’s exciting.”

“Yeah, um...” I fidgeted. “They’ve had some issues with their singer, but-“

“Like what?”

“Nothing.”

He looked at me.

“Uh, he was just in rehab, but um, I think he’s out now, so...”

I felt shitty for talking about something like that to Jack.

“Man. I hope he gets better,” Jack said quietly.

I nodded. Well, he would. It was Andy. I turned up the radio again. It was some depressing slow song I didn’t like the sound of. _You’re going to reap just what you sow, you’re going to reap just what you sow._

We’d gotten off the freeway, away from the ocean, onto a road with dry barren land on either side. A gas station, a couple of houses, then nothing til we turned onto a busier street with seedy strip malls advertising nail bars and sub sandwiches. It wasn’t too glamorous. When we pulled up in the parking lot I saw the red glowing letters BACCHANAL SHOWCASE THEATER on a low building in the corner of the mall. I stared at Jack.

“This is sketchy as hell.”

He grinned. “I’m just the chauffeur.”

I grabbed my purse and we got out of the car. A stream of punky looking kids were trailing in and out of the doors, the other establishments in the mall shutting up shop, the sickly green glow of the nail bar with a lone Vietnamese lady cleaning the foot baths, the sandwich shop deserted and dark, the awning flapping in the evening breeze. I smiled at the doorman, who was exceptionally cute. He didn’t ask for ID, but I didn’t even need a fake any more. Something I was still getting used to.

Inside the ceilings were super low, it was kind of like a cave. There was a hardcore band playing on stage, the singer screaming low into the audience, his face contorted. I felt like I’d seen that exact band a hundred times in a hundred different places. Away from the desert heat of outside, it felt weird to be in a dark, damp, depressing joint like this.

Jack went to get us drinks - and when he returned, he had Eddie with him. Who was looking even cuter than he had on the beach. I could see the undercut in his hair, he was kind of sweaty in a sleeveless shirt, and he was smiling big,

“You made it! Thanks for getting this guy to rejoin the human race,”he said.

I smiled. “Of course.”

“How was the drive?”

“Pretty scenic.”

“Hey, you should move down here.”

“Well, that’s the plan.”

“Or I should move up there.”

I looked at him. He was an intense guy. Those blue eyes. “I don’t think your southern heart could take it.”

He grinned. “Hey, I’m a Midwesterner.”

“No way!”

“Chicago boy.”

“Ah, so the surfer thing is like, a total pose.”

“Yeah, you got it.”

Jack looked through the crowd. “Hey isn’t that Beth?” I followed his eyes, saw a short, pretty dark haired girl talking excitedly to someone, making big gestures with her hands.

“Ah, yeah. We’ve got some label guys here tonight, I should go-“ Eddie glanced at me. I had this feeling that Beth was his girlfriend. I was kind of disappointed, not gonna lie. But I just smiled.

“That’s awesome. We’ll catch you later, break a leg.”

“Shit, better not.”

He patted Jack on the shoulder, shot me a quick smile and then went over to join Beth. I sipped my drink, turning back to the stage.

“Should’ve said he has a girlfriend,”Jack said, watching me.

“Jackie, I’m not like a nympho, I just thought this would be a fun thing for me and you to do.”

“Right.”

“So his band, they’re good?”

Jack pressed his lips together, then - “They’re good. I kinda feel like Eddie’s a little too... big for them. I don’t know. You’ll see.”

I chuckled. “What, the little guy?”

“You’ll see,” Jack said again.

We didn’t dance or anything. We just stood at the side and watched people, talked a little about stuff that was safe. When Bad Radio came onstage, Eddie looked somehow taller. He had a lot of presence, granted. Under the cheesy strobe lights you had to look at him. He had a guitar slung around his shoulders, a grin on his face. 

I didnt expect him to have a voice like that. Deep and clear, quite a range. He wasn’t like Mark, or Andy. He kind of reminded me more of Chris. He had melody. And then he’d get scratchy and scream, hammer his guitar like he was in pain. All in the same song. I mean, it was kind of something to watch.

I glanced at Jack and smiled. “Your boy’s pretty good.”

He nodded. “Too good for this shit.”

I mean, the band weren’t bad. But I can’t remember a lot about them now at all. I just remember Eddie, centre stage. The way he chatted to the audience between songs, squaring up to the mic the whole time like he just couldn’t keep still. At some point he pushed the mic stand over, just grabbed the mic, owning the stage. It wasn’t dangerous, like Mark was in Green River, always a step away from doing something illegal, and it wasn’t campy like Andy could be. Basically, he had me kind of mesmerised.

After the show, everyone was all over Eddie, but he came and found us outside where Jack was smoking. At his side, Beth. She was so pretty and so excited, I couldn’t help liking her. I could see where he got his mojo. She was chattering about the label guy who’d grabbed her when Bad Radio was done, he was gonna call them tomorrow. She was nestling into Eddie like they were two halves of the same person.

“It was awesome. I mean, I’d definitely see you guys again. Any plans to come up to Seattle?” I said, moving a little closer to Jack so Beth didnt think I was trying to move in on her man.

Eddie smiled, pushing back his hair. “Who knows what’s down the road.”

“I liked the last song a lot,” Jack said.

“ _Better Man_?” Eddie nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, I think it’s probably our best. Babe, we should get it on tape next time,” he said to Beth, who nodded.

“I think we’re gonna hit the road, anyway. But it was a great show, man.”

I looked at Jack. “Oh, really?” I wanted to stick around; it felt like we had only just got here, and tomorrow was my last day before I went home. He nodded, once, and I didn’t push it. I knew it was a lot for him to do even small stuff right now.

“Hey,” I said impulsively. “My friends are looking for a support act right now. They’re signed to PolyGram, they have a record out early next year. They haven’t really found anyone in Seattle, but- maybe you should send them a tape.”

Eddie nodded. “Oh, thanks. What are they called?”

“Mother Love Bone.”

Eddie and Beth exchanged smirks and I giggled. “I know, um- but they’re pretty good. They have an EP out, it’s called _Shine_ , I think it’d be in stores down here. And if you put something together, you could pass it to Jack and he’ll get it to me.”

“Well, I kind of have two jobs right now-“ Eddie started, but Beth looked at him again and he shrugged. “That’s real cool of you to say. I’ll try and find their record.”

We said our goodbyes, watched them wander back into the club, Eddie kissing Beth on the cheek in a way that made me feel weirdly sad. Not jealous; just sad. _When was I gonna have something like that?_ For the millionth time ever I pushed away the memory of my only kiss with Chris. We got back in the car, I drove. Jack turned on the radio and drummed patterns on his knees as the music played. I smiled, it was nice to see.

“You ever just wish you had a Beth?”I said, merging onto the freeway.

He glanced at me, but when I looked back he looked away. “Uhh, I have way too much bullshit for anyone to handle,” he said.

“ _That’s_ bullshit.”

We didnt say anything for a while. Then he was like-

“It’s cool what you said to Eddie, about sending something to your guys. You think it’d work out?”

“Oh, who knows,” I said, turning up the radio as I felt my eyes get a little sleepy. “If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen.”

The next night at LAX, I hugged him extra tight. “Well, happy... Hannukah, I guess.” He grinned, nodded. I looked at him, needing to know he was OK. “You’re welcome in Seattle any time, you know that?”

He nodded. “Thanks, kiddo.”

I hugged him. Felt the bones poking through his skin, under his sweater.

“I know it’s tough,” I whispered, close to his ear. Needing him to really hear it. “You _have_ to keep going.”

He squeezed me so tight.

I picked up my bag, and when I got to the door I looked back to wave. Jack was still there, just watching me. I smiled and blew a kiss. He caught it in his hand. Cute. Then I went into the recycled air to find the desk, shivering.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for references to addiction/rehab

##  **STONE**

I was so tired, in the best kind of way. I needed to process what had happened, replay it all again. Her smile. How cute she was. The way she looked at me, the way she felt. But I didn’t want to go home right away. There was one person I needed to see right then.

I drove to Cornell’s house; it wasn’t too far, just further up into Queen Anne. 

It was just starting to get dark. The shades were down but his car was outside. I double checked mine was locked; it was a total piece of shit, but someone would still steal it in this neighborhood if you weren’t too careful. 

I walked slowly to the door. I stopped before I rang the bell, I don’t know what it was. 

_Just do it. Why are you nervous right now?_

I heard Chris yell from inside. “WHO IS IT?”

“It’s Stone- uh- IT’S STONE!” I yelled back. 

After a minute he pulled back the door. He had that big smile, hair scraped back. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. Sometimes even I was like _,_ woah, I mean, he had a _nice_ chest. 

“Did we have something?” he asked, looking kind of confused.

“Um… no. I kind of - wanted to see Andy,” I said, as he pulled me in by the shoulder and closed the door behind me. 

His house was always too warm and smelled of good food. There were piles of shoes around the hallway, unopened mail, a phone cord trailing through the house. A Post-It on the mirror by the door saying: CALL BRUCE, Susan’s handwriting. Chris was always complaining she left him notes around everywhere, reminding him to do stuff. I think he liked it though.

“Oh, yeah. He’s right in there. I’m cooking. Go ahead, I'll be right back.” 

He ran upstairs. I went in the kitchen. Andy was sitting on the counter, staring at the pot on the stove. He had a notebook and a pencil in his hand, but the pages were blank. He was wearing a short sleeve t-shirt, which he hardly ever did. I could see the marks up and down his arms.

He looked at me and smiled, like he was happy to see me.

“Stoney boy!”

“Hey Andy.”

“This is a surprise.”

“I was in the neighborhood.”

“Yeah? How come?”

“I was... um. Seeing a friend.”

Andy nodded. Still smiling. “A _girl_ friend?”

“A friend.”

“Who’s a girl.”

“I mean-“

“What?”

“Not a _girlfriend.”_ I said, edgy.

Andy just cracked up. “… _OK_.”

“You working on something new?” I pointed at his notebook. 

“Uh, no. Well, I was trying to, but-“ 

Chris came back in, still shirtless. The kitchen light was kind of harsh and I could see tiny little scratch marks on his shoulder where he’d thrown his hair the other side. It made me think of Sara again. Her nails on my skin, the sound she made when I- _fuck,_ I needed to think of something else quick. The band. Weather. The Dallas Cowboys. But I also needed to be with her again. I wanted more of that feeling I got with her. Less of the constant thinking. 

Andy was watching me. Chris was stirring the pot, not saying anything.

“What’s cooking?” I asked, lame.

“It’s just a bouillabaisse,” Chris said. 

_Just_ a bouillabaisse. That was so him.

“Oh, cool.”

“Well, it will be,” he said, putting his wooden spoon down. “You want to stick around?”

“Oh, no, that’s... Thanks, but my mom-“

Chris laughed. “Right.”

I knew what he thought about me living at home, but as usual I played it off.

“I was making it for _this_ guy,” Chris motioned at Andy, shaking his head, “but y’know he doesn’t eat fish now.” 

“It’s a new rule for me: I don’t eat stuff I don’t like.” Andy, sounding like a kid.

“That sounds… smart,” I said.

“Yeah, except you _don’t_ eat.” Chris said to him, wiped sweat off his forehead.

Andy jumped down from the counter. “Yes Mom. Hey, Stoney - you wanna go somewhere?”

I looked out of the window. It wasn’t raining anymore, but the dark was coming in. Then i looked at him. “Really? Right now?” 

I glanced at Chris, like - _what do I do?_ Trying not to be too obvious. He just shrugged, turned back to his pan. 

“Why are you guys acting like I just said I wanna go _score_ or something?” Andy said, that smile plastered to his face. We shifted, awkward, trying to ignore what he just said. “i just wanna _walk_.”

“We could do that,” I said. 

“Then let’s go.” Andy went to go get his shoes. 

I stood in the kitchen a minute, awkward.

“Just do what he wants,” Chris said. 

“Is he...“

“He’s doing OK.”

“He only just got back from that place, I mean, are they like, _worried_ , or-?“

“It’s just rehab, Stone.” 

It was _just_ bouillabaisse. _Just_ rehab. I guess I knew Chris had his own issues in the past. And I felt like he thought I was clueless; like I didn’t get anything.

“You’re coming on Saturday, right?” he asked. I nodded. 

“Good.”

I went out into the hallway. Andy was zipping up his jacket, shaking his hair out around his shoulders. He looked at himself in the mirror, took off the CALL BRUCE Post It and stuck it to his forehead. 

“You think I should get this tattoo? Could be good on tour, Bruce is horny as shit.”

I cracked up. I went to take the Post It off his face so Chris wouldn’t catch hell from Susan, and Andy grabbed my arm. Then, he pulled me into a hug. He was shorter than me, his face only came up to my shoulder. He hugged me hard. 

I was like - _should I say something?_ I didn’t know - was this an important moment for us? I just… 

He let go of me. I stared at him. 

“You OK?” I said. He turned away like nothing happened.

“I’m good.”

“Where d’you wanna go?” I asked, as we went out. It was cold - too cold to walk, honestly. 

“Let’s go to the lookout.” He meant Kerry Park. It was a few blocks away. We used to go up there all the time. I nodded and we walked.

“So how’s it going with Cornell?”I asked.

“Good. He keeps feeding me, I’m gonna gain like thirty pounds by the time we next get on stage.”

“I mean, Tad Doyle makes it work, so...”

We both chuckled. Andy kicked a can on the sidewalk. “But I’m sorta going more for that, Bowie, Lou Reed, dazed junkie thing now, so…”

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t.

We walked past the rows of houses, the cheesy Christmas light shows outside making me feel kind of down. I wanted Christmas done, wanted to get started on the next thing for the band. We’d been waiting a really long time now.

“Not long now though. January 3rd, right?” Andy said.

I looked at him. “Huh, really?”

“I talked to Mike Starr today. Alice want us to share their slot at the Vogue.”

“That’s in like….a week.”

“It’s a little more than a week.”

I stopped on the corner of the street. These flashing green and red lights all around us from this stupid big house with a fake Santa on the roof. 

“I mean, you think that’s a good idea? We haven’t practiced in like... I mean, are you ready?”

“Why are you freaking out?” He waved his hand like it was just nothing. “I wanna do it.”

“What’d the other guys say?”

“Yeah, they’re into it.” He was so fucking dismissive. Started walking on. “C’mon, it’s cold.”

“What about Kelly?” I caught up to him.

“PolyGram’s been pounding his ass for fucking _weeks_ now, man. Honestly, I thought he was gonna bust a nut when I told him about this show.”

I laughed, kind of disbelieving, also what a ridiculous image.

“OK, so- we need to get together like, this week,” I said. “I’m out of town a few days next week -”

“Well, we’ll all be there at Chris’ party.”

“Not like at a _party_ , like a rehearsal-” I said.

“You didn’t get enough time to practise when I was away?” Andy cut me off.

I stared at him, but he just kept walking, looking ahead. 

“I like this one,” he said, pointing at a house with an actual sled picked out in lights, in the front yard. It had all the reindeer, but the red lightbulb in Rudolph’s nose kept flickering on and off, so it looked a little sketchy. In the glow of the lights you could see the house behind it was a dump; overflowing trash cans right outside the door, broken windows covered up with newspaper. An angry dog barking somewhere inside. 

We were almost at the lookout point. The sidewalk was covered in grit, from the snow that kept coming and going. My boots scraped against it. Andy was just wearing old sneakers, they looked like they were getting wet. He never had the right stuff. Ever since I knew him, when we were pretty much still just kids, he was always borrowing, scraping. Putting something wrong on and acting like it was right. It was a cool thing about him, in a way. But sometimes I really just wished he had had it a little easier.

“Hello Seattle,” Andy said quietly, kind of to himself, as we walked over the wet grass towards the view of the city. The sky was dark and cloudy, the bright blue lights of the skyline cutting through it. The Needle was lit up red and green for Christmas. 

Last year he had his photo taken in front of the sculpture. His arms out wide. Andy just walked past it without saying anything about it. Arms close to his sides, hunched over. I realised I kept looking at him because I wanted to make sure he was good. He kept _saying_ he was good, people kept _telling_ me he was good, but I needed... proof, or something.

We went to the barrier and looked over. Andy leaned on the rail. 

“God, I don’t wanna be the fucking _junkie guy_ ,” he said, staring out. “I just wanna get back on stage.”

I swallowed. Felt nervous, all of a sudden. “I know that.”

“If you came over to say like, _we’re all here for you man, we’re gonna support you, you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for_ \- then, don’t.“

“No, that’s not why I came over,” I cut in. Which was true.

“OK, good. Because I already feel like shit. I don’t _want_ tobe like this. _”_

I waited. Eventually he said - 

“I just don’t know what’s... _there_ for me, if… it’s… not.”

I frowned. I thought this was all so fucking simple. For a long time, even _after,_ I still couldn’t understand why he didn’t see it that way. I said-

“ _We’re_ there for you. And maybe you don’t wanna hear that, but - like, that’s true. You have support. You have _so much_ going on, man. Do you _see_ that? We have this huge opportunity- / and it’s happening, all you need to do is just-“

“/I _get it,_ OK? I _know_ about the opportunity.”Andy talked over me as I spoke, and I stopped. I didnt know what to say next. 

He exhaled. His whole weight against that rail.

“Stoney, it’s not... jeez, I’m not trying to sound like I have my head up my ass here. I don’t even _wanna_ talk about fucking drugs, man. I just-“ He shrugged, heavy. “I just... Like, I been doing this shit since I was twelve, man. I don’t know, like - would I still be me, if I didn't use? Do I just have this _gap_ or something?” 

I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he did, and it wasn’t his fault. 

“And like, what do I use instead? Sex? _Food_? The fucking... _gym_ , what? _Jane Fonda_?!” He was laughing then - and I was too. It was crazy, how we were like that. “Am I gonna be one of those chicks in leotards doing fucking _shoulder stands_ on the bus and chanting mantras? I mean-“ He looked up to the clouded sky. Still laughing- “Like - WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW, GOD?! Because I really wanna stay clean, but - I have - _problems._ ”

I was playing with my ring, sliding it on and off, on and off. I couldn’t stop. I felt like I really needed to give him some wisdom. This was the time, I _had_ to be this guy for him. Not just his stupid friend he made fun of He-Man cartoons with and bitched with about Greg Gilmore.

I sorted the hundreds of words and ideas coming to me, looking for something I could use that might work. I didn’t want to mess this up. Thinking - _focus._

But I guess I took too long, because he’d already moved on. 

“Sowhy’d you come over anyway?”he asked, as he turned, went to go sit on the bench behind us. He pulled up his legs like a little kid. I went and sat next to him.

“Uhh- well.” I exhaled. He looked at me. “I guess, I needed to talk to you about something. Not about drugs,” I added.

“OK…”

I clasped my hands, trying to stop with the fidgeting thing. “So, I, um… just came from seeing this girl.”

Andy cracked up then, slapped his knees. “Oh, _there_ it is!”

“You want me to talk or not?”

He grinned, nudged my shoulder. “Yeah, you talk. I just totally called it before.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sure. Anyway. She was there yesterday, at the Raison. Grace’s friend Sara.”

He shook his head hard. “Oh, dude, I totally know already. And anyway she was there the night of the Alice show, huh? You guys were clearly, like-“

“Yeah, except the thing is that she hooked up with Jeff a couple weeks ago.”

Andy hissed. “ _Fuuck_. That’s-“

“Yeah.”

“I mean, I gotta respect her though. That is some game.”

I ignored that. “It was my fault. I freaked the fuck out after we hooked up the first time, then some more stuff happened and I kinda realised I was into it - but then _she_ freaked out, and I guess she and Jeff happened, somehow.”

“They fuck?”

Man, that hit me somewhere hard. “Ummmm.. yeah. I guess they did.”

“But you figured it all out, right? Because you just came from her place.”

I frowned, shook my head. “I mean, I don’t feel like we figured a lot out except that we’re both into it. I like her.”

Andy nodded. He wasn’t cracking a joke. “Huh. Well, that’s cool. I haven’t seen you into someone since like, a few years. Alicia, I guess.”

I shot him a look and he shook his head, grinning. “Stoney, that was like, _obvious_. She had you wrapped up in a fucking bow.”

“It wasn’t-“

“It’s _me,_ dude. Just stop with the constipated bullshit.”

I didn’t say anything for a little bit. We both looked out at the city. 

“What do I do about this?”I asked.

“The girl?”

“With Jeff, and-“

I didn’t finish, and I guess we both knew what I meant. The band _; our_ band. We’d worked too fucking hard, it was almost two years now. We couldn’t fuck this up, it just wasn’t an option. We were so hungry. 

Andy pushed his hair back. Hugged his knees tight. He didn’t answer for a little while. 

“When you called me that night, y’know.. your message.” He glanced at me, then away. “You sounded terrible. I never heard you like that before. And I knew it was kind of my fault. God, I had this big speech all planned out, I was like - I’m gonna say everything you wanna hear. Y’know, just be this really great friend, or…” 

I watched him bite his lip, look down. “But I just. I couldn’t do that. Because I _don’t_ know if everything is gonna be OK. I don’t. Y’know, when you get into the bad shit like I did, or you’re in rehab, _again_ , eating fucking pudding pies and talking about your mom and dad with people you don’t even know, you’re like: _I’m not OK, and I don’t know if I ever will be_. I mean, I wanna be. I _really_ want to be. But right now... honestly, the only thing keeping me right is _her_. My girl.” That smile. “We’re gonna get a place together. Me and Xana.” 

His eyes, reflecting those bright lights. 

“She’s like, the best thing I have in my life right now. Maybe _ever_. It’s like… I don’t have to pretend anything, it’s just _real._ Real days, real life. I feel like, maybe I _can_ be better. She gives me that. She’s the best thing I got.” 

He looked at me. I knew he was serious. “You just got to let it in, Stoney. There’s always gonna be some shit to figure out, whatever. Some other guy, not the right time. Or maybe, it’ll fuck you up. But you still gotta let it in.”

I thought about never kissing Sara again, never holding her. And realised that wasn’t even an option for me.

“I need to talk to Jeff,” I said.

Andy nodded. “But you guys can work this out. You’re brothers.”

I never saw me and Jeff like that before, at all. I looked at him to check if he was kidding, but he was just staring out over the cliff, thinking.

“I wanna do the show on the 3rd, OK?”he said, after a while. 

“OK. We’ll do the show.”

“And if you like this girl, don’t fuck it up.”

“She likes Spinal Tap,” I said, couldn’t help a smile.

“You need to lock this chick down.” He ruffled my hair, messing it up, and I pushed him off and he pushed me back. Some dog walker passing by stared at us and it just made us crack up more. 

“ _Have a good time, all the time. That’s my philosophy, Marty,”_ Andy said in his stupid fake British accent, word-perfect. We laughed. We laughed.

##  **SARA**

When I finally left the house, the cold hit me like a slap in the face. Seattle winters were even worse than Midwestern ones, apparently. I pulled my jacket around me closer as I waited for the bus. The sounds of evening were all around; sirens, traffic, barking dogs, planes overhead. But I felt cocooned against it all, by the warmth I felt right now. I was falling hard for Stone, that was for sure. And I had no idea of exactly how things would pan out, but I was just going to enjoy this feeling.

When I got to Pioneer Square I got off the bus and wandered over to the OK Hotel. It was already pretty busy, and I went in, looking around to find Alicia. She was tucked in a booth at the back, her long blonde hair a curtain in front of her face as she sipped from a glass. There was another one sitting on the table in front of her. 

I pushed through the crowd to get to her, and set my bag down on the seat opposite, still adjusting to the overheated warmth inside.

“Hey!”

She looked at me and smiled. “Hey stranger. I got you a drink.”

I squeezed into the booth, shrugging off my jacket. “Thanks. God, it feels like it’s been forever.”

“Yeah, it has. How are you doing?”

“I’m OK. I mean- it’s a weird time. I kind of wake up every day and remember about my dad and- uh, well, I guess its just weird. And I kind of quit my job, but-“

“Wait, what?!”she said.

“Yeah.”

“That’s crazy. Have you got another job?”

“I’m actually writing something for Sub Pop, Grace mentioned me to them and they said they were looking for someone to write stuff, and- yeah. I mean, it’d be exciting, I don’t know if I’ll get it though.”

Alicia smiled as she drank. “Sub Pop, Jesus. Bruce. How is he?”

“Um, he seems OK. He mentioned you actually.” _Stone’s little groupie._ “Uhh - he said you were too smart for Seattle.”

She laughed. “Well that’s true.”

I guessed she knew him from the past few years when Green River and Malfunkshun were around. “So yeah. that’s cool. And other than that, just.. I saw Grace yesterday.”

“Yeah, I talked to her today. She said Jeff seemed kind of… all over you.”

“Oh, um - no.”

Alicia sipped her drink. “OK, so now I gotta know. Who won?”

“What?”

“Stone or Jeff?”

I stared at her. “That’s not…”

“Was Jeff at your apartment today when I called? He’s hot, right? I always thought that. I told you.” She kept looking at me. I shook my head, slowly.

“ _Oh,_ OK,”she said.

“What?”

“Stoney.”

I dug my fingernails into my palm. She was looking down at her drink. We didn’t say anything for a moment. It was… weird.

“I mean, I guess if you _like_ that kinda thing,”she said, stirring her drink round and round with her straw. I frowned.

“Um, it’s… I don’t know. I guess, I actually _do_ like Stone.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” I stared at her. “What's going on?”

She smiled. “What do you mean?”

“Why are you being weird about me and Stone?”

“I’m not.”

“You kind of are.”

She shook her head, abruptly changed the subject. “God, you know what I was thinking about today?”

I frowned, not understanding. “What?”

“This one time when I was like, eight. I got a puppy for Christmas. Full Lady & the Tramp, it was in like a box with a fucking bow. Cutest puppy ever.”

“OK…”

“It was the best day of my whole life. I’d been asking for a puppy for years, I was like…” She stirred her drink again, hard. The ice clinked against the glass violently. “I was so _lonely._ It was amazing. I couldn’t believe they’d actually got me a puppy.”

“What was it called?” I smiled.

“I called him Fred. I was obsessed with old dance movies. You know like Fred Astaire? My grandma worked with him once.” She smiled, looked up from her drink. “Fuck, this is really embarrassing but I remember I wanted to call him _Stoney._ I had a phase of being like obsessed with Stone. My mom said no possible way.”

I giggled. “You wanted to call your puppy after Stone?”

“I know, right? What the fuck? But, um-“ Her smile faded. “Then like a month later, I got home from school and the little guy was just gone. They’d taken him to the pound, or- I don’t know. Sold him or something.”

“What?”

“I kept messing up in tests. I sucked at school. Like, I was smart but I couldn’t…. well. They said I didn’t deserve him. Anyway. Fred was gone. Never saw him again.”

I stared at her. “Uhh… that’s a pretty depressing story. What made you think of that?”

“Just… Christmas,” she said, looking out of the window at the holiday lights, the people carrying bags. “I hate it so much.”

“That’s really shitty.”

“I mean, it worked out, because now I literally _hate_ dogs,” she said.

“You hate dogs?”

“I think I like, _made_ myself hate them after that.”

I smiled at her, wanting to make her feel better in some way. She was kind of an intense person, but she had something about her that just warmed me, made me want to make her smile. I’d only been to her house once, had never met her family - from what I’d seen, her life seemed perfect. But maybe it wasn’t. And that, I could relate to. 

“Hey, if you ever wanna swap stories about shitty childhoods, I’m your girl,” I said, reaching my hand across the table.

She glanced at me, her hand resting where it was. “Can you top the puppy story?”

I thought for a moment. 

“Um… well, most years were terrible honestly, but I remember one Christmas my dad locked me outside in the snow because I talked during _It’s a Wonderful Life._ ” I remembered it, the snowflakes melting wet and cold on my bare arms, the dark garden so terrifying. Alicia was looking at me. I rolled my eyes. “Fuck, that sucked.”

“ _Parents_ , dude.”

“Well, maybe this year is gonna be better.” I smiled, I couldn’t help it, when I thought about Stone. She was staring at me, but when I smiled at her she looked away. I thought about my past.

“I always hated it at home. My mom never stood up for me. I mean, I think she was depressed a lot. _Is_ depressed. And she was always telling me to be quiet, to stop asking questions, just watch TV and stay in my room. That was it. She wasn’t _mean_ , she just - I knew I made her life harder. She wasn’t much of a mom,” I said.

Alicia nodded. “I get it. My mom though, God, she is the definition of nuts. You ever watch like, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” I nodded. “Nurse Ratched? My mom is like, Nurse Ratched Barbie.” 

I cracked up and finally Alicia smiled. “She’s literally the anti-mom. I remember for my thirteenth birthday she bought me bathroom scales. She told me only fat girls get period pains.” I stared at her disbelievingly, but she was still just grinning. Like it was all just too funny to be sad. “When we graduated high school, she was like - _I don’t really know what you’re going to do with your life, Alicia. You have no talents at all._ Just like that! Like her only talent wasn’t balling some rich guy’s son. She’s planned this dinner on Christmas with Stone’s family, I feel like it’s some kind of Yente deal, you know Fiddler on the Roof? Like if I just get a fucking boyfriend from the right part of Capitol Hill my life will have all been worth it.”

I frowned. Played with my straw. “You think your mom wants to hook you up with _Stone_ , like- what?”

“I’m _kidding,_ dude.”

“Oh.” I smiled, a little forced.

“She always says, like - _When I was your age, I was making five hundred a photoshoot. When your grandma was your age, she was nominated for a Golden Globe._ No pressure, Jesus. And I’m like, well if we’re such a fucking wonderful family, then why do I need a guy to make my life happen? Why did _you_? And she just… she’s like-“ Alicia picked up her glass and gestured with it, putting on this serious, posh voice. “ _You have about five really good years Alicia. And you’ve had about half of those already. After that, it’s some chubby suburban guy who works for Microsoft and drives a Pinto. Is that what you want for your life?_ ” She grinned, downed the rest of her drink. “What if I just wanna be, like, _alone_? It’s easier, right?”

I thought about my life with Logan, before. The way he ruled my life, my head. The way small things were huge with him. Constantly explaining myself. Yes, love could be like that. “I mean, maybe.”

And then my thoughts of Stone, the easy way he laughed, how gentle he could be. I felt a pang of affection. “But that’s not… I mean, it doesn’t have to be like that, Leesh. I’m not saying a guy is the answer, but you’re pretty amazing.” I saw her look away. “You _are_! And some guy is gonna be crazy for you.”

She stared at me. I couldn’t figure out what was behind her eyes right then. Then she said-

“You know Stone was like, in love with me for a really long time.”

I stared back. Somewhere in the bar someone popped a champagne cork, yelled “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!”

“What?” I smiled, not getting it. Or, getting it - but not wanting to get it.

She just sat there. “It’s not a big thing.”

“What do you, um- what do you mean though?”

“I kind of always knew he was. I mean, when we were kids, he was always around. But I guess like, the end of high school and after, when we were getting into music and stuff... well, it just got bigger. And I _knew_. Tried to ignore it, but-“

“But what?” I was starting to feel really hot in there all of a sudden.

“I guess a couple of years back, we were together and he just came out and told me he loved me. It was… I mean, it was nothing. To me, anyway. It was awkward, to be honest. For a while.”

I stared ar her. Just stared. “He said he _loved_ you?”

“Like. A couple years ago.”

I had nothing at all. Until - “Did you guys, like - I thought you said you never-“

“Did we hook up? Yeah. Kind of over a couple of years before that we were always... I thought it’d be weird, if you knew. But like I said, it was _nothing_. I mean really, Sara. He was just _obsessed_ with me, it was this dumb thing.”

“Wait, but didn’t he hook up with Grace too?”

Alicia smiled, that wicked grin. “Oh God. Yes. Man, I think he did that to piss me off, after. _What_ an asshole.”

I opened my mouth. But I wasn’t exactly sure what to say.

“Oh, don’t worry about it too much. I’m pretty sure he’s not in love with me anymore,” she said, stirring her ice.

“You’re _pretty_ sure?”

“I mean.”

Her face was so beautiful and impassive. I suddenly felt this urge to punch it. _What the fuck? She’s your best friend._

“Why didn’t you tell me this before you tried to hook me up with him?” I asked.

Alicia shrugged. “Because it was nothing. To me anyway. He needed to move on. I _wanted_ him to, I told him you were cool. And I mean, really Sara, you should be _thanking_ me, huh? Because you seem really great right now. You’re like, _glowing._ I’m glad it worked out for you. He’s pretty something, huh? I mean, in some ways.” She kind of giggled.

I drank and felt the alcohol burn my dry throat. I coughed. My hands were kind of shaking on the glass. 

“OK, um- I kind of feel weird now.”

“Oh, don’t feel weird. Like I said, it’s nothing. You want another drink?”

“No, I-“

“Are you OK?”

“Actually, I don’t feel too good.” I picked up my purse and jacket. “I’m really sorry Leesh, I think I might have to go - I just, um- I don’t feel good, and I have to write this thing for Sub Pop, and um-“ 

I got up, leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, she smelled sickly sweet of perfume and hairspray. She stared at me. “I’m really sorry. It was, um - good to see you.”

I pushed out of the bar, ignoring the looks I was getting. Outside I could see my breath in the air. I did feel kind of sick. And confused. The way I felt two hours ago, vs the way I felt right now. _My best friend? He never thought to tell me about any of that?_

I wandered down the street, my boots scuffing on the gritted sidewalk. I realised I knew the neighborhood, Jeff lived right around here. 

I was walking towards his building. I was buzzing his apartment.

“Hello?” His voice, grainy. Safe.

“Hey, it’s Sara. Don’t buzz me up. Just - can I talk to you on here a sec?”

I heard him kind of laugh. “Uhh- OK. What’s going on?”

“I just, um- just wanted to say... hi.”

There was a pause. Static. “Are you OK? What’s-“

“I’m OK, I just- I don’t know. Friend trouble.”

Some people coming out of the building stared at me, wondering what the fuck I was doing having a conversation with the buzzer. They held the door for me, like - _are you coming in?_ I just shook my head.

“Listen, come up. Or I can come down,” he said.

“No, I need to um - I need to go home.” 

“You don’t sound good.“

“I am. I’m sorry. Don’t come down-”

But the buzzer was going and Jeff wasn’t there any more. I knew he was coming down, knew he would make me feel better. I opened the door to the lobby, the warm air hitting me.

Then I closed the door again. Quickly walked away from his building.


	33. Chapter 33

**SARA**

I was safely around the corner from Jeff’s building, feeling like a total asshole for buzzing him like that, when I heard my name.

“Sara!”

I turned around. 

“Hey, you. This is a nice surprise!”

I just stared at her for a second. “Meg! I, um- I thought you were in LA.”

“I got back last night, I just got off a shift at the Oyster. One of the shitty things about work trips, you have to like, go to work when you get back.”

She gave that wide, megawatt smile and I quickly smiled too. 

“Oh, right. How was it?”

“It was great, actually. Every time I go down there I’m like, why haven’t I moved here yet? Hung out with my friend Jack, checked out a new band.” She looked a little concerned. “How are you? How’s, um… how’s it been, being back?”

I shifted my weight uncomfortably. “Weird. That’s the word I keep using. I mean - you know, I guess.” 

She nodded, biting her lip. “Yeah. I get it.”

“And I also quit my job.”

“ _Wow!_ ”

“Ummm, yeah. Kind of thinking it might’ve been a little hasty.”

“Oh, jeez, _no_ it wasn’t. Well if you need something, they’re always looking for wait staff at my place.”

“Thanks.”

An ambulance siren roared past right by us and we both jumped. “Hey, what are you doing now? You want to walk a little?”she asked.”We’re both kind of going the same way.”

“Sure.” We fell into step in the direction of Queen Anne, both shivering against the cold.

“So you been out, or…?”

“Um, yeah. I just saw Alicia actually.”

Meg snorted. “Huh, how is our queen bee?” 

“OK, I think.”

“She still acting weird?”

I thought about the stuff she’d said about her family. Not to mention the huge fucking revelation she’d laid on me about her and Stone. “Define weird.”

Meg noddled, chuckling. “God, I’m so over Seattle drama. It just feels small, you know? Whenever I get out of here I think, wow, we really do swim in a small pond. Plus the weather fucking sucks.”

“Definitely a small pond.” I was thinking about the fact that the guy I liked had slept with at least two of my best friends, one of whom he’d apparently been in love with for years, and who had then hooked me up with him.

“You OK? You seem a little…”she asked.

I thought about it. I could say yes, and hide everything like always, in an attempt to be normal and cool. Or I could say no - and actually own the fact that I didn’t feel OK. About a lot of things.

“Uh… actually, I’m not so great.”

Meg stopped and looked at me. “What?”

“I’m not,” I said, shrugging. “I just found something out that made me feel really weird and I’m confused, and I also don’t know if I’m dealing with the stuff about my Dad or if I’m just like shoving it in some box marked DO NOT OPEN in my head that will just spill out and make me feel terrible later on. And I- I also like Stone, a lot. And I just spent like a night and a day with him and it’s intense and it makes me feel super nervous. And it’s a weird situation with Jeff, and… I no longer have a job. And I have to write a review of the Nirvana record to get a job at Sub Pop and I don’t think I’m cool enough or a good enough writer to pull it off, and if I don’t get it, then I’ll _know_ I’m not cool or a good writer - and then I just don’t even know what I’ll do.”

I ran out of ideas, and stopped, staring at Meg whose blue eyes were wide.

“Um. Wow.” She blew hair out of her face. “OK, you just said a lot, sweetie. I think you’re gonna need to come back with me, drink beer and let me process that mouthful.”

It wasn’t long before we got to her apartment, and when we got in it was freezing cold, because her roommate (“Stoner Simon”) had left all the windows open. She got a beer out of the ancient, buzzing refrigerator and I perched on the edge of the futon in the living room, surrounded by piles of books and magazines while she picked up the dirty plates and put them in the sink, complaining about what a dickwad Simon was. Finally Meg came to sit next to me, with some brownies she said she’d made in the middle of the night when she couldnt get to sleep.

“These are really good. Like, really good.”

She grinned. “I got this recipe from Cornell like a million years ago when we both worked at Ray’s.”

“That’s.. so crazy to me.”

“He’s a man of many talents.”

I looked sideways at her. “Yeah, _how_ many? Did you guys ever-“

_Was she actually blushing? I made Meg blush?!_ “Ummm… I mean, no. Well, once. It was just a kiss and I think he was pretty wrecked, so…” She shook her head, ate some more brownie. “It’s not a thing.”

“OK.” I swallowed my piece of brownie, sensed I needed to move on from the topic. “So, anyway-“

“OK, so, yeah. Talk me through this. Firstly, the stuff about your dad- I just wanna say, you’re normal. Like, believe me when I say you will go through every single emotion in the fucking book and that’s OK. Like, no one’s gonna give you a prize for doing the best grieving, or.. y’know? I don’t know the whole story, granted, but I get the feeling that you left Cleveland as a type of self preservation thing and that your relationship with your parents was not exactly smooth, so… You’re here, with the people who care about you, and we will get you through this.”

I looked at her and felt tears well up behind my eyes. She shook her head and hugged me, she smelled good, of cooking and cheap perfume and coconut shampoo. “It’s OK.” She squeezed me. “Really. And now, what the _fuck_ about Stone?!”

I pulled away, wiping my eyes. “Oh, God. well. He showed up at my house last night, and… Yeah. We, um… And I guess we spent most of the day together, and… I like him. I know you think he’s a little, _whatever,_ and I know Jeff is so great, but I just…” I shrugged, staring at my brownie. “I _like_ him. I don’t know what it is.”

Meg nodded, thinking for a bit. “OK. Well, I mean, he’s hot. If you’re into that. I always thought he was kind of arrogant, but all those band guys are, really, it’s kind of part of the deal. I mean… you like him, it sounds like he likes you too, so what’s the problem?”

“Alicia told me, um- they were like, a _thing_ , before."

Meg raised an eyebrow. “Huh. Well.. she was always really weird about that, but I knew.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, like- it was so obvious to me. They were always around each other, always going to the bathroom at the same time or some shit…” She wrinkled her nose. “I mean, sorry, you probably don’t wanna hear. But yeah. Probably for a couple of years, they were hooking up. I don’t think it was anything serious, though-“

“He told her he loved her.”

Meg looked at me.

“You think that’s true?” I asked.

She thought about it. “Man. She never told me that. But, honestly - yeah, it could be true. Chris told me Stone talked about her all the time, he would get kind of fucked up if she hooked up with other people, stuff like that - I mean, this was a long time ago, Sara. After Green River broke up, I think it was pretty much over. I mean, right around that time she was weird about them, she wouldn’t come to LA with us to see them play - I just assumed it had ended for some reason.”

“And that was what, two years ago?”

“Yeah, it would be.”

“OK.” I ate some brownie and thought about it.

“Thing is though, I don’t know why she told you that. You tell her you liked him?”Meg asked.

I nodded. She made a face.

“I think she was trying to mess you up.”

“Why, though?”

Meg exhaled and picked up some crumbs off the dirty carpet. “Oh, I don’t know. Because he likes you? Because you were happy? Or he was?”

“Oh.”

And it felt awful. Because she was my first friend here, she was one of my favorite people, and I didn’t want her to be yet another asshole in my life.

“So if you were thinking of letting her lame-ass big reveal make you stop seeing Stone, then I would say - don’t.”

I looked at her. “I mean- isn’t it weird, though?”

“We’re adults, Sara. He’s a 23 year old hottie in a band signed to a major label, he comes with a little bit of baggage.”

“And what if he’s still in love with her?”

Meg chuckled. “First off, he’s in love with Stone Gossard - and that is what my girl Whitney would describe as The Greatest Love of All. Second, it’s been what, two years? And honestly, I haven’t picked up on anything at all. People just… move on, you know?” She ate the last bit of brownie. “It happens all the time.” 

I wondered if she was thinking about Chris when she said that.

“So what, I just act like its no big deal?”I said, frowning.

“It _is_ no big deal. She’s fucking with you. Like, she’s fun and she’s a cool friend to have, but- don’t let her get to you. The Jeff thing, on the other hand - well. I don’t know what you do about that. I’ve known Jeff and Stone a long time, and let’s say their relationship hasn’t always been a picnic.”

I knew that, from Jeff and Stone. “It seems like Mother Love Bone isn’t in the best… place right now.”

Meg nodded. “Mm. I mean, honestly we haven’t hung out with them a lot as a band. I know they had a little while where it was all super fun, really great, everyone was excited and they wrote a bunch of songs and labels came around, and then - I don’t know, like the past year or so? And with Andy’s rehab? People are talking about them a little, it seems like they’ve had a few pretty public meltdowns.”

“Fuck, I am such an idiot,” I said. “I don’t know why I slept with Jeff after Stone, I- _fuck_.”

“What’d Stone say about it?”

“He said he’d figure it out. With Jeff.”

“Hmmm.”

“You think I should talk to Jeff? The thing is, I really like him. Like, he would be the most amazing _friend-_ “

“Um, _no_. Definitely do _not_ say that.”

“So I should ignore what Leesh said, and ignore the Jeff thing?”

“Well, let Stoney figure it out. Maybe he’ll have some bright idea,” Meg said, in a way that made me think she thought it was unlikely. “Don’t feel bad, though. You’re not married, damn. Now can we please talk about the Sub Pop thing and the fact you’re about to become the next fucking Angie Bowie?”

“She was a writer? I thought she was like, a groupie-“

Meg grinned. “Well, you did just spend like, 24 hours fucking the guitarist from Mother Love Bone, so- y’know-“ I glared at her. “No, she actually wrote a book a few years back.”

“Well, um- probably wanna be more like, the female Cameron Crowe, but-“

“You know he’s in town??!”Meg said, sounding excited.

“Yeah, I met him yesterday! So crazy.”

She nodded. “He wants Chris to be in his movie, can you believe that? Like he needs a bigger ego…”

“Oh wow, that’s cool. Well, I just have to write a review of the Nirvana record, _Bleach_. I really like it. I mean it’s heavy, but it’s cool. The lyrics and just the different styles, I like it a lot.”

“I saw them a week or two ago. Their new drummer is actually really cute.” That was so her. “I like them too. I mean it’s very Seattle, but it’s good. Actually, they’re not even from Seattle, which is why they get a little shit round here, but- ugh. Band drama, you know.”

“I was actually gonna work on it tonight,” I said, thinking about going home to do that.

Meg shook her head. “ _Or,_ beer and watch Babes in Toyland? It’s a dumb movie but the guy in it is a stone cold hottie. Also, Drew Barrymore is too cute.”

It was starting to snow again outside. And really, did I want to go back to bed (without Stone) and do homework right now? Not really. I was starting to feel better already. Maybe things were gonna be fine.

*

I ended up staying on Meg’s futon and when I woke up, Stoner Simon was sitting at the kitchen table staring at me weirdly, while eating a huge stack of bright colored Pop Tarts. I made my excuses pretty quick and left a note for Meg who was still asleep, before blearily catching a bus back to my apartment. There were a couple of messages blinking on the machine as I got in and took off my jacket and switched on the heat, shivering in the empty apartment.

“Hey. Um, it’s Stone. I know I said I was gonna call you tomorrow, but-“ I stopped and went to the machine, as if somehow being nearer to it would manifest him in my apartment. “I guess I’m not as cool as either of us thought, so… Well, I just wanted to say thanks for the saltines and the Nirvana. I mean, I actually prefer this band Mother Love Bone you might’ve heard of, but I hear good things about _grunge._ Anyway, it was, um - good to see you. Actually I’m not really sure why I left. Can I come back, or…?” I smiled, my heart felt really full right then. “Anyway, I’ll call you tomorrow. Sleep well.”

I wanted to replay it, but then the next message came in. “Hey Sara, it’s Jeff. Um, I just wanted to call you because you didn’t sound great when you buzzed me earlier and I’m kind of worried. Let me know you’re OK. Bye.”

_Shit._ It was way too early to call Jeff, so I went to my room and crashed on my bed. It was still a total mess of sheets from when Stone was here and I buried my face in them, wishing he was still around.

I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up it was early afternoon. I wrapped myself in a cardigan and put the Nirvana CD on again, picking up my notebook and pen and jotting random thoughts and ideas as I listened. That lyric in one track kept going round my head:

_Won't you believe it? It's just my luck No recess You're in high school again_

I wondered about the lyrics. Meg said something last night about how Nirvana got shit for not being from Seattle. They sang a lot about being outsiders; about feeling like something was missing, about being incomplete somehow. I think that was why I liked them. I _got_ it. It was so different to the over the top rock stuff you heard everywhere. I bit my pen and scribbled. After my second play-through, I had three decent paragraphs. I typed them up carefully on my old typewriter and then put them in my messenger bag.

Then, finally, I had time to lie on my bed and daydream about my night and day with Stone. Even the memory of it made me shiver, I thought about calling him and just asking him if he wanted to come over, but obviously no way was I gonna do that. I had to play it at least somewhat cool.

##  **JEFF**

Yeah, it was kind of weird when she buzzed me like that then just disappeared. I looked for her all around when I got down, but she’d vanished. I went back up and shut the door.

“Who was it?”

“Oh, um- just- a friend.”

I didn’t want to talk about it with Bruce. Known the guy for years- we even came out from Montana together. But I didn’t feel like we were so close any more. It seemed like the longer we’d been in Seattle, the more we drifted apart - he grew his hair and started dressing like Stone, he was always trying to be best friends with Andy. When me and Stone decided we wanted to leave Green River, when we started that covers thing with Andy, Bruce just plagued me to let him come to rehearsal. I didn’t want it to be like, Green River part II; but I said yes.

Anyway, he was here on my couch. His eyes a little hazy because he’d been smoking up all day. He didn’t have a job right now, his parents were paying his rent I guess. He’d said he wanted to play through some of our songs with me, I knew he didn’t want to ask Stone because he didn’t want Stone to think he was a shitty player or like, not serious. Some guitarist competitive bullshit. Stone called me not long ago saying he’d just been with Andy and they wanted to have a rehearsal tomorrow.

I watched Bruce fuck up the riff in Stardog, muttering curses to himself, looking like he needed a shower and some sleep, and I was like -

“Hey, you wanna just call it a night?”

Bruce played a few random chords, put his guitar down on the floor. He’d plugged it into a little amp and the buzzy feedback crackled through my tiny living room, I went to go switch it off. He stretched out on my couch, rubbing his face.

“ _Fuckkkkk_ , I’m tired.”

I was pretty sure he wasn’t gonna go home tonight. I kinda wanted to just go to bed myself, give Sara a call and see if she was OK. But I didn’t see how Bruce was gonna get back to Beacon Hill like this.

“Yeah, me too.” I sat down on the couch, trying not to stare at the phone. “Fucking Stone, man. He just left a message on the machine at work late last night saying he was sick and he didn’t show up today. I thought one of those suit guys was gonna throw his extra-hot in my face.” 

_And clearly, he was not sick, since he just called me and said he’d been with Andy and they wanted to have a rehearsal. Because either he’s stupid, or he thinks I am. Or, both._

“Stoney’s sick, maybe we don’t have to do this rehearsal,” Bruce yawned, sounding pretty pleased.

“I think we need to, though.” And I did. We hadn’t played together in like, six weeks or something. I really felt like we needed it. “You remember those changes we made on Stardog? I mean, not for now, but I think you wrote it down somewhere, you should probably, like-“

I stared at him and realised he had literally fallen asleep, his arm hanging off the couch, mouth open. I got up and picked up the phone, carried it into the hallway and shut the door as far as I could over the trailing wire. I dialed Sara’s number but it just rang and rang, so I left a message.

“Hey Sara, it’s Jeff. Um, I just wanted to call you because you didn’t sound great when you buzzed me earlier and I’m kind of worried.” _Did that sound too much like, Dad or something? Dammit._ “Let me know you’re OK. Bye.” 

I put the phone down feeling dumb. I left the phone there and went to go take a shower. I felt like I was gonna fall asleep standing up if I closed my eyes.

Lying in bed I thought about her, like I sometimes did. Maybe I just really needed to get laid, by someone else. I kind of felt like if it was gonna happen again with Sara, it would’ve by now. The way she went home after the carnival… But, she had a lot on her mind. And, like - I didn’t really _want_ to sleep with someone else.

I wanted more of her. I actually had fun with her the other day, I always did. I went on a goddam death trap ferris wheel for that girl. She was so fucking strong, the way she was dealing with the stuff with her dad? And she had her own thing going on with the writing, she wasn’t like a lot of other girls I’d met who wanted to fuck a guy in a bnd. When I bumped into Kelly on my break today and we made small talk about the other day, he was like, “Nice girl. You two are -?” In his awkward kind of way. And I was like - “uh, yeah. I think so.” And he was like, “That’s good.” And It _did_ make me feel good. If things could just start moving forward for us with the band, that’d be pretty good too.

I thought about calling Stone again to talk about the rehearsal but then I was like, fuck that. _Why do I wanna call Stone?_ I only spoke to the guy, like, a half hour ago. We _work_ together. It’s not like: Bert and Ernie, Starsky and Hutch, Stone and Jeff. I mean the guy drives me nuts on a good day. I closed my eyes, trying to get to sleep with all those fucking ambulance sirens outside the window.

I was up before Bruce to go work the next morning. I left him a note saying: **6PM, MUSIC BANK. DONT B LATE!!!!** Had to hope he’d find it. Outside was freezing, still getting light. The holiday lights off in the store windows, streets quiet.

I got on my bike and felt my hands freeze up on the handles, I lost one of my gloves a while back. _Need to buy new gloves. Need to go grocery shopping. Need to finish Sara’s thing._ I was fully that guy, who does a painting as a Christmas present for the girl who won’t answer his calls and keeps running out on him.

I was pretty shocked when Stone was already at the Raison before me. He usually got in like an hour later, mumbling about oversleeping. He was putting the pastries out in the display, they came in gross sealed packages and we nuked them in the oven until they started to smell edible. _Local artisan bakery._ It was so warm when I stepped inside, it almost hurt my freezing hands. Stone looked up.

“Oh, hey.”

“Glad you’re not sick any more.”

“No, I’m pretty good.”

I stared at what he was doing.

“The cheese Danishes can’t go next to the raisin Danishes.”

He looked at me. “Well- why not?”

“The cheese Danishes go next to the croissants. You can’t have like, a savoury Danish and a sweet Danish next to each other, dude.”

He laughed, kinda incredulous. “Why?”

“It’s just not…” It was way too early to argue with Stone. “Forget it. I’ll deal with it.”

“Is it cause you’re like, worried the cheese is gonna hit on the raisin? You need like a third wheel in there to break the tension?”

He thought he was pretty funny. 

“Yeah, right.”

I went to put on my apron in back, shoved the granola bar I brought from home into my mouth, I never wanted to see another breakfast pastry again for the rest of my life.

I went back in and Stone was cleaning the coffee machine, kind of humming to himself. It was weird. He’d been in a shitty mood for weeks now, since Andy went away, really. And kind of before that. I mean I sometimes got the feeling he didn’t really _like_ being in this band. Which was weird, because- _why wouldn’t he? Weren’t we doing pretty fucking great so far?_

“How’s Andy?”I asked.

“He’s excited. He really wants to get started, y’know. He seems OK.”

“Greg coming tonight?”

“Yep, think so.”

“Good.”

I wanted to know why Stone was in such a great mood at six in the morning. Maybe he’d finally mastered Am9 or something. Or maybe he had more weird hate-sex with Alicia. The thought of Stone getting laid, that made me feel kind of irritated. But I didn’t ask. I made myself coffee and hung out, doing finger exercises with the plastic band I kept in my pocket, until the customers started coming in.

Around lunch, Cameron arrived. He was pretty much living at the Raison right now, hanging out and taking notes, asking us weird questions about making coffee, about our lives. He always seemed pretty interested in what I was wearing, took a Polaroid once and asked me where I bought my clothes. When Grace and Meg came in, wrapped up in scarves and those weird berets girls like, he waved them over to his table. I guess he was picking their brains too. I made an excuse to go over there.

“Hey!” Grace smiled up at me, taking off her scarf.

“Hey - you talk to Sara today?”

She frowned. “Uh, not today, why what’s up?”

“I saw her last night, actually,”Meg cut in.

I looked at her. “Huh. Is she, like- is she, y’know- OK?”

Meg stared back at me. I never knew what she was thinking, I felt like she thought a lot about everything, about all of us, and not all of it was stuff we’d wanna hear. “Yeah, she seems good.”

Cameron was always watching and listening. That guy had a real nose for a story. “Sara’s your friend from the other day, right? The writer?”

“She’s good,” Meg repeated, flashing a smile at me then turning back to Cameron. “So, what do you wanna know?”

He fingered the pages of his notebook. “Well, I’m writing a kind of a love story, I think. So - you ever dated a guy in a band?”

Grace and Meg both just looked at each other and cracked up.

Cameron laughed. “OK. How about, ever had a kind of ambiguous relationship, like - you’re seeing each other, you like each other, but someone’s maybe a little scared, you see other people but you keep going back- y’know the kind of deal?”

Grace giggled. “You really need to talk to Sara.”

“Sara is _definitely_ this girl, jeez,” Meg agreed. She realised I was still standing there, and stared at me.

I felt like - _woah, hold up. How much do they know about me and Sara? Is this a good sign? Ambiguous is good, right? It doesn’t mean not happening._

“Uh, I gotta get back to the - Cameron, you want a long black?”I said, feeling kind of self conscious.

Cameron nodded and I went back to the counter, left them talking, tried not to listen. Stone was watching them too.

“You think they’re talking about us?”

“Yeah, Stone. It’s gonna be a whole movie about twenty three year old coffee shop workers in Seattle not having their shit together.”

“I _totally_ have my shit together-”

“Yeah? So you book the room for tonight?”

“ _Shit._ “

“I’ll call Layne now. Make a long black for Cameron,” I told him.

I went in back to use the phone to call Layne at the Music Bank. He lived there, spent most of his time there when he wasn’t doing shows . He picked up sounding like shit. “Uh, hello?”

“Layne, it’s Jeff. Can I book a room for like, 6 tonight?”

“Ummm…” I heard a lot of rustling his side. “Wait. Gimme a second.” I heard him covering the phone up, a muffled yell : “I DONT HAVE ANY WEED, OK??” After a minute he was back - “You can have one at like, six fifteen. Mark has it til then.”

“Uh.. OK. That’s cool. Thanks. Hey, are you OK? You sound a little-“

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Jerry’s passed out on my floor with some chick, I need to get her outta here. Catch you later man.” He hung up, abrupt.

“Six fifteen,” I told Stone. “Right after Mudhoney.”

He chuckled. “I think that’s what’s called - poetic irony.”

“Or it’s what's called, the universe fucking with us.”

Stone laughed out loud, and I saw Meg look over. She narrowed her eyes a little. Wish I knew what she was thinking.

We were both working double shifts; I went home and slept for my whole break. No message from Sara on my machine. I wasn’t reading into it too much, really. 

I went back to work. I wanted to talk about the arrangement for this new thing, _Dollar Short_ \- we tried it in Portland a few months back, but something about it wasn’t working. Usually when me and Stone talked about the band stuff, we were good. After five years or whatever, we got each other in that way, between Bruce being baked, Greg always seeming pissed about something, Andy coming in with fifty new ideas and only one that worked. We had thought Green River was the problem, that we just needed to find the right band. But maybe there _was_ no right band, so the two of us just kept pushing. Today though, he wasn’t giving me anything. He kept brushing off like everything I said. It made me feel kind of pissed, like he thought my ideas weren’t good.

When we were heading out Stone was like: “I wanted to talk to you about something, um.”

“If it’s about Andy or whatever, then - we’re cool, OK? I don’t wanna fight about that. He’s back, so let’s just move on.”

“It’s not… Well, it’s kind of… _personal_.”

Fuck. I didn’t want to go there with Stone, not today. I was so damn tired. I didn’t wanna hear about his issues with his Dad or his weird thing with Alicia or anything else. I didn’t want to be that for him, too much shit had happened between us and we were on thin fucking ice right now. “Can we just talk about it another time, man? I just wanna like, get into the right space for practice.”

“Uh- OK. Yeah, OK."

I crammed my bike in the back of Stone’s station wagon and we drove to the Music Bank. Greg was already there, with Kelly. I hadn’t seen Greg in a while; not since that party where me and Stone had it out, actually. He nodded at me. Kelly looked kind of sketched out, I’m not sure he really dug the vibe here. Music Bank was this seedy complex right out by the railway tracks, in a semi-bad neighborhood, three padlocks on the door.

“Should we wait for Bruce and Andy, or-“ I asked. No one really knew what to do. Last time we rehearsed, Andy was an hour late.

“Let’s just go in and get set up,” Stone said and buzzed. 

Someone- not Layne- let us in. We wandered down the hall, trying to see who was in the other rooms. The Screaming Trees were in, some other kids I didn’t recognise. When we walked into our rehearsal room, Mark, Steve and Matt were still there getting their shit cleared up.

Yeah, it was still kind of awkward between us all. I remembered that day me and Stone turned up to the Green River practice on Halloween, I guess more than two years before. Told them we didn’t want to be in the band any more. Mark just got this shit-eating grin on his face and said: “Called it.”And I was like - _what does that mean_ \- but I realised I didn’t even care anymore. It was that same smug goddamn face he got when he was standing on stage opening for Public Image Ltd, opening for fucking Johnny Rotten: ” _Stick around if you want to see what a real sellout looks like_.” And now, that was us. The sellouts.

I mean; we might not have been to Europe but if this was selling out, I was OK with it. Like Sub Pop’s little “Seattle grunge” trip wasn’t a straight money making deal? All that stuff they fed magazines about how Tad Doyle was some redneck backwoodsman or whatever.

“How’s life on the dark side, Stoney?”Mark asked. That same smug grin.

“Well, y’know. Money, cars, hoes.” Stone got his guitar out, I noticed he’d brought his brand new goldtop. Steve and Mark checked it out, which I’m sure Stone got a kick out of.

“You are still the whitest guy in Seattle, dude,” Mark said, stuffing cables in his bag.

“How was Europe?” I asked. I’d heard crazy things. I’d never been, I wanted to go so bad.

“Insane! Fucking punk rock, man. They had this Sub Pop UK thing in London.”

_What the fuck?_ I wondered what Stone and Bruce were thinking about that.

“We get there and it’s like, blowing up. Kids waiting outside, all our T-shirts gone before we even played. People just all over the stage. Well, it beats CBGBs anyway,” Mark said, and I had to laugh because we both remembered playing to like three Chinese tourists and the door guy there, years back. 

Mark grabbed his guitar and glanced at Stone. “Say hey to Andy, uh - if he shows up. See you guys at Cornell’s.”

We got plugged in, Greg messed with the drum kit. We stood around. It was six thirty. Bruce came in, still wearing the same clothes from last night. Then it was six forty five, no Andy.

“I thought this was his idea,”I said to Stone.

“It was my idea, but he was up for it.”

“So where is he?”

Stone bit his lip, I noticed he did that when he was kind of anxious, for a long time now. “We could just get started.”

Kelly said he would go and try and call Andy in the Music Band office; hopefully Jerry and his girl would’ve cleared out by now. I thought about telling Stone that story but I was still kind of pissed with him. Greg messed with the snare a little then gave us a count in. We played through Bone China. Just the riff and the progression, trying to get into a groove. We jammed on it for a while. It was actually kind of good. It was fresh, too. I realised I was actually excited to play with these guys again. Then Bruce started playing the opener to Stargazer. We sometimes messed up the count, but we just did it til we got it right.

Then Andy came in. He looked around, looking so happy - happier than I’d seen him in forever. Stone stopped playing but Andy shook his head, like, _no, keep going_. Taking off his coat but keeping his sunglasses on, going right to the mic stand, kind of adjusting it down, waiting for a break to come in, nodding along with that grin, and then singing with us. _Stargazer you call the shots, and I take ‘em, stargazer won't you kick with me._

He sounded really good. Better than ever. 

We finished the whole song and Greg did this little cymbal clash thing. There was such a buzz right then. Even Kelly was pumped.

“So uh - you wanna do another one?” Andy said, his face lit up like Christmas.

“Let’s do Stardog next?” Stone asked, messing with his tuning.

“I think Stardog is pretty good,” Andy said.

“Let’s play it then.”

Bruce looked at me, I remembered he wasn’t really down with it. “No, let’s do Capricorn,”I suggested. Stone shook his head.

“That’s not-“

Bruce just started playing the opening chords of Capricorn Sister anyway, then Greg came in and Stone picked it up, frowning, as Andy banged his head around, went into the lyrics - but instead of singing “mother love bone”, he was like “ _mother love Stoooone, I’m talking to you_ ”, making Stone laugh as he played. Andy was real good at that. When we were happy, he was happy. That’s how it was. 

After that, everyone seemed a little more relaxed. Andy kept ad-libbing, making up funny lyrics. Bruce was getting into it, he was actually doing good. We were all pretty energised by the time we’d done four or five songs. Andy didn’t have his keyboard with him so Bruce noodled the riffs on his guitar, it sounded kind of cool. He was a great player. And when we played Crown of Thorns, I felt like Andy sang it a little different. Maybe he was a little more still. It was one of those times he could make the hairs on my neck stand up, just from the way he sang. 

In that shitty little room with no windows and trash on the floor, I felt like I was in a great fucking band. He made us feel like that. Without Andy, we weren’t… what we were. If that makes any sense at all.

After about an hour we took a break so Kelly could run through stuff and get home. We all sat around on random chairs or the floor. Kelly had his datebook with him, it was stuffed with Post Its.

“So, great that we’re all back together and it’s sounding pretty good - but now we need to look at next year and how it’s gonna work. The record is out on 20 March, which means it’s all press from now on. I have a bunch of pencils to run by you guys-“

“When are we going out on the road?” Andy cut in.

“These are just pencils for interviews and such…” Kelly started.

“But if there’s a date for the record, we should be booking a _tour,_ right?”

“Dude, you literally just got back. Chill,” Greg said. “They’re probably waiting to see if you’re actually like OK before-“ 

Stone looked at him, not able to hide how pissed he was that Greg would say that. I mean - I thought it was probably a fair comment.

“Who is?” Andy said.

“I mean - Polygram.” _And, everyone else._

“I agree with Andy.” - Bruce. He always was gonna agree with Andy. “Can we at least talk about this? We haven’t played outside of Seattle since before summer.”

“The show on the 3rd is a good start. Let’s play a few local shows, get warmed back up-“Kelly started.

“I’m warm. Like, I’m _tropical_. But if you want us to play local shows, then get us some local shows.” Andy had that smile that didn’t really reach his eyes. 

Kelly nodded. “That’s what I’ve been working on.”

“I mean, _I_ got us the Vogue gig,” Andy said.

“Wait, what?” I felt like I missed something. “We have a gig at the Vogue? On the 3rd?”

“We’re opening up for Alice in Chains,” Kelly said. 

I looked at Stone. “When did this get decided?”

“I just talked to Mike about it yesterday.” Andy said.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I asked Stone. “I mean, I don’t think we are ready for that. For one thing, we’re not gonna have any time to get these songs back up where they should be, we don’t need to look _stupid_ right now. And also I’m working, like, solidly -“

“Can we not - just, uh, let’s move on from the show thing. What else? You said about press?”Stone said, playing with his guitar pick, turning it over in his hands. 

I tried to carry it on but everyone just looked at me like, _stop;_ ignored me.

“Right. I have interest from a couple of UK papers, they’ll want to do a morning phonecall-“Kelly started.

“With all of us?” Greg asked.

“They want to speak to Andy, maybe Stone can give them something about Seattle, Green River- y’know there’s a lot of interest in Sub Pop over there right now-“

“Uh, I was in Green River too,” I cut in. I know it was fucking dumb, but…

“OK, or you then,”Kelly said. “You still working mornings?”

“I can do it,”Stone said. 

I stared at him. “Fuckin great,” I said quietly, it came out angrier than I meant it to.

“Peace and love, Jeff,” Andy said, like he always did when we got like this. It drove me crazy right then. Because _he’d_ walked in late, _he_ was pushing so hard to book shows when he couldn’t even turn up on time to rehearsal. And just… because of everything else. I loved that guy, but I was just so tired of shit like that.

“I’m going to the bathroom.” I got up. Went out into the hallway, listening to the thud of bass and drums from another room. Stayed out there a while. I just wanted to play music. I was sick of all the other stuff that went along with it. Five guys in a band, I didnt know how anyone ever made it work.

When I went back in they were talking about merch - and when Kelly said Polygram had come up with another t-shirt design, I was so mad.

“It’s a lot of work for you with everything else, so-“he tried to say.

“I spent like a _month_ on it. They don’t want my design?”

“ _Jesus…_ ” Stone said, rolling his eyes. 

That was it.

“Hey, you’re right. Fuck the time I spent on it, _fuck_ the fact that we wanted creative control of our own fucking thing. You don’t care about this?” I said. Angry.

“It’s just a _tshirt,_ ” Stone said.

“Yeah, just a fucking tshirt. But if it was _your_ tshirt, it’d be like, sacred, anyone-fucks-with-this-t—shirt-I’m-out-of-the-band-level shit, right?”

“OK, this is unnecessary,”Kelly said. “Can we -“

I didn’t know what I was really mad about. Stone? Andy? Sara? Myself?

“Jeff, can I talk to you a sec?”

I stared at Stone. “What?”

“Just, outside.”

We got up and went back out. Stone leaned against the door and crossed his arms. “I don’t wanna do this. You have a problem with me, just say it.”

“OK, well for the fucking thousandth time, can you stop with the band leader bullshit?”

“What does that even-“

“The fucking show on the 3rd? You and Andy just decided this and that was it?”

“He wants to do it. What’m I gonna do, say no? You know how he is-“

“Why didn’t you say today?”I cut him right off.

“I didnt wanna have a fucking fight with you at _work_.”

“And the tshirt? You knew that design was a lot of work for me. You couldn’t go in for me?”

“It _is_ just a tshirt, Jeff. Just let it go-“

“ _Fuck you_.”

The rage in me surprised us both. Echoed in that hallway.

Stone stared at me a long time.

“Wow, seems like you really hate me. That’s...“

He didn’t finish, and I didn’t reply. I just went back in the room. Stone followed after a while.

We moved on, we had to. Kelly got some dates for shows from us and then left, seemed relieved. We played through a few more songs, Andy trying to keep the mood light. Stone helped Bruce out with the Stardog changes, so that was good at least. We sounded fine. I knew we’d pull it off when we got back on stage. And clearly there was no way we were gonna pull back from that gig, so…

But, when Stone tried to talk to me again when I was packing up, I brushed it off. Asked him to get me my bike out of his car because I wanted to ride home. I was still mad.

By the time I got in I was freezing cold. There was still no reply from Sara. Weird. 

I looked at the little painting, half-done. I could work on it some more. Or I could practise, try and write some new stuff maybe. I could call my mom, Christmas was in two days. Or I could call Stone. I knew I’d been out of line before. I could do any of that stuff.

So what did I do? Opened a beer and put the _Shine_ EP on my stereo. I hadn’t listened to it in forever. It had come out in what, March? It’s weird, how you don’t really listen to your own record. 

I think I just wanted to remember how great things used to be. I know they were.

The songs on the EP were kind of all over the place. We all had these different ideas and Andy wanted to try everything. We were still finding our groove I guess. But listening to it, I knew we were good, even then. I laughed, thinking about Andy throwing water into the audience and doing his Freddy Mercury poses. Him leaning into the front row to let the audience sing a verse and us all cracking up when they sang the wrong one. Then, being in California recording _Apple_. Andy doing magic tricks for the little kids who sang with us. Trying to teach him how to skate at the shitty ramp down by the beach. The fights we’d all have over fantasy football. The sun shining every single day. Me and Stone telling stories about Green River and just being able to _laugh_ about it. And that was after that huge year - last year - when we spent a month getting dined out by four major labels, offered a deal. 

Things were fucking great for us, for a long time. We were so excited, and everyone was excited about us. 

When Chloe Dancer segued into Crown of Thorns, those sad chords - I turned off the record. We’d been _happy_. What was a sad song like that doing on a happy record, anyhow? 

##  **STONE**

Andy sat in the passenger seat. The radio was on but for once he wasn’t singing along. Jeff wouldn’t come with us after practice. I was kind of reeling from the thing between us. I didn’t get it, and it frustrated me so much.

“I think we’ve actually gotten better,” he said, drawing on the inside of the window.

“Yeah, it sounded pretty fresh,” I said, turning on the wipers as it started to rain. 

“Think we’re gonna be OK,” Andy said. It wasn’t a question, he said it like it was a fact.

“Definitely.” I was trying not to think about the thing with Jeff. 

“Y’know, though, Stoney -” 

Andy rubbed his sleeve on the window, wiping his drawing away. I looked at him. He pushed his sunglasses back down over his eyes.

“What?”

“You can’t tell Jeff about Sara.”

I stared at him. Looked at the road quickly, then back at him. 

“Wait - what?”

He shook his head. I couldn’t see his eyes under the glasses. 

“Not right now. That whole thing in there. Whatever it is with you guys right now, or...” He hunched up in his seat. “You just, you _can’t._ ”

“Uh - so - what am I supposed to do then?” I was trying not to raise my voice. His therapist said we had to be calm. But fuck. “What am I supposed to do about Sara?”

“Just don’t tell him. Wait a while. I don’t know, but this is not the right time.”

“A _while_?”

“Just keep it on the low. Do whatever. Seriously man. You want this to work, don’t do it.” Andy pushed his hair back. “Let’s just play some dates, get the show back on the road, then.... But don’t tell him right now. You know it too.”

He turned away, pressed his face to the window, like he thought I was gonna be so mad with him. 

And I was. I _was._ I made Tina Casale _cry_ when we were recording Deep Six. I didn’t let that asshole therapist talk down to me at the rehab center, acting like she fucking knew us. I knew how to stand up and say, _this is bullshit._

But I loved him. And if he said jump, I did it. I didn't feel like I had a choice.

So I just said - “Fine.”


	34. Chapter 34

**SARA**

Later that afternoon I caught a bus downtown to drop off my Nirvana piece. I nervously buzzed the Sub Pop office, thinking of the last time I was here. Jeff kissing me, so warm in the cold. 

They buzzed me and I went up the stairs two at a time. It occurred to me that Mother Love Bone’s manager had the office across the hall - but his door was closed, and I couldn’t§ hear any noise from inside. 

The Sub Pop door opened before I had much time to think about it. A little guy with fine, shoulder-length blonde hair wearing a brown sweater and dirty jeans stood there with a kind of alarmed look on his face. Beyond his curtain of hair, his eyes were a shocking blue.

“Um- hi,” I said, feeling weirdly self conscious. 

“Hi. They told me to let people in, so - uh - come in.”

“Thanks.” 

I followed him in. The office was overheated and quiet. A sad piece of tinsel hung loosely from the top of the smeared window. Piles of CDs stood next to boxes, a big pin-board with magazine cut outs covered half a wall. There was still a box of Green River t-shirts in the same place as last time, but now there was a note on top: FOR KELLY CURTIS. I smiled, wondering if they really were gonna superimpose Andy’s face over Mark’s.

When I went past the pinboard I noticed that one of the photos in the cut outs looked a lot like the blonde guy who had let me in - who was now perched on the edge of a desk eating a giant bag of Swedish Fish and staring at the floor. I did a double take at him, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Is Bruce here, or Jonathan?” I asked, awkwardly.

“Yeah, no, I think they’re at a lunch.” He held out the bag of candy. “Want any?”

“Um, no I’m good thanks. I’m Sara, by the way.”

“I’m Kurt.”

I must have glanced at the pin board again because he looked at it too, then his face broke into this toothy, amazing smile. “Huh, that’s me.”

I felt really dumb, he was probably like, famous around here and I had no idea who he was. 

“Well, I’m just here to drop off this record review they asked me to do,”I said.

“You a writer?”

“No. Um, well. Kind of. Trying to be. Maybe.” I smiled.

“Which record?”

“ _Bleach_? Nirvana?” _Why was I saying it like that, like it was a question?_ He made me feel awkward, and I didn't know why.

He raised his eyebrows. “What’d you think?”

“I liked it.” _Be cool, be cool._

“It’s OK,”he said. Kind of dismissive. He crumpled up the empty Swedish Fish bag and threw it in the trash across the room.

“Oh. Well, um - should I just leave it here, or..?”

“Yeah, you can leave it here.”

“Thanks.” I tried to be cool and nonchalant. “You’re in one of the bands?”

“Yeah.”

He didn’t say anything else. I wondered what he was doing hanging out in the empty Sub Pop office right before Christmas; but who knew. It wasn’t like I had a family Christmas to look forward to either.

“Um, OK. Well, I’m gonna go. If you could tell them Sara Weller dropped this off-“ I fumbled in my bag and took out the typed sheet of paper. “That would be great. Thank you.” 

I held it out for a moment, and he looked at it, then finally got up and came and took it out of my hand. He moved slow, kind of like a little old man. He was nothing like Stone or Jeff or Andy, their energy. I couldn’t even imagine him on stage. 

I checked out the pinboard again and then I noticed what it said next to his picture in smaller letters: WELCOME TO NIRVANA’S NIGHTMARE. 

_Fuck_. I stared at him again. He was skim-reading my stupid piece of paper. 

“Oh, um - don’t read it,” I said, feeling myself blush so hard. 

He grinned widely, like it was the punchline of a joke.

“ _The voice of maverick youth?_ Well, that’s- thanks, I guess,” he mumbled, shaking his head a little. “I mean I usually don’t read press; but you said you’re only kind of a writer, so.”

“I really liked it,” I said again. 

He smiled at me, shrugged. “Wait til you hear the next one.” 

“Thanks. For, um-“ I swallowed. “Thanks for handing that over for me. Happy holidays.” _Happy holidays?! What was I, seventy years old?_

He raised his hand, that weird smile on his face. I quickly went out, shutting the door quietly behind me. I let myself feel the embarrassment for exactly the time it took me to get down the stairs back to street level.

I stopped to browse in the used bookstore and when I got back home, it was evening. There were no messages for me. I tried calling Jeff once, but it went to his machine, and I didn’t even know what to say anyway. I knew my friends would get a huge kick out of me not recognising the guy from Nirvana when I was dropping off a Nirvana review, but I didn't feel like calling them. Honestly, the only person I wanted to see or speak to was Stone. It was hard to think about anything else since the other night. 

I picked up the phone to call him, then put it down. Thinking again: _be cool._

Then I picked it up again. I dialled the number he’d called me on and fidgeted as it rang and rang. The message tone went, and I took a breath, then said-

“Hey, it’s Sara. I just wanted to say, I was kind of thinking about you, a lot, um - since the other night.“ 

I gripped the phone, just trying to be spontaneous and everything, I mean - _we both liked each other, so why not_ \- 

“It was, um- pretty amazing, so... If you want, you could come over later. I’d really like it if you did.” 

I smiled, I was so not playing it cool right now. 

“OK, well maybe I’ll see you later,” I finished, and hung up, wondering if I had remotely achieved the seductive note I was going for. 

Just in case, I showered and put on some cute underwear, then sat around watching old Christmas movies on one of the only channels that got service on our shitty TV. At some point I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up to the sound of the buzzer and the clock on the wall said 22:59. I sat up immediately and raced over to the door.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Stone.”

_Ohmygod_. 

“Oh, um- come in.” I buzzed, and quickly checked my hair and stuff in the mirror.

Stone was there, looking kind of tired and not exactly happy. I thought that was weird - but forgot about it when he smiled to see me, and pulled me into him to kiss me. 

“Hey,” he said softly, kissing me again, his cold hand on my neck under my hair. I shivered. 

“Hey, come in.”

He took off his jacket and I saw he was wearing a Green River shirt, which weirdly reminded me of what Meg said about how he and Alicia had been hooking up when he was in Green River. _That’s in the past_ , _that band doesn’t even exist anymore. That was all like, two years ago._

He chuckled to see the black and white movie unfurling on my TV screen. 

“This is fully the old bachelor lady lifestyle, all you need now is like, a cat.”

“I’m allergic, unfortunately.”

“OK, maybe a goldfish.” He ran his hand through his hair, blinking. “I’m really tired, sorry. I was working from like 6 a.m. then we had this band practice.”

I went to sit on the couch.“Oh, yikes. Sorry, if i’d known-“

“No, I was really glad you called.” He sat down next to me, and then started to laugh. 

I stared at him. “What’s-“

He shook his head, “Nothing, just - you know I live at home, and my _mom_ picked up your message.”

I stared at him in total abject shock, and he laughed even more. 

“She literally wrote it down word for word and put it next to my bed, but she also recited it to me when I got in the door. It was pretty much the most awkward experience of my life, so, that’s…” 

I covered my face with my hands and squealed with embarrassment but he just pulled me on top of him, took my hands away and kissed me again. “No, it was incredible. Thank you for doing that. I mean, I wish you’d included more of the graphic detail, but-“ 

“ _Stone!_ ” 

And he grinned at me, and then we were kissing again.

“It was so fucking hot, I’ve been thinking about you too,” he said softly, kissing my neck. I closed my eyes at the touch of his lips on my skin, his hands under my t-shirt lightly caressing. He slid it over my head and I shivered in the cool air. From where I was on top of him I could feel him getting harder, all I wanted was just more of him. But even as I was thinking it and getting more caught up, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and Alicia together. She was so beautiful, so confident. _What would she be like?_ Even as he was touching me through my underwear I felt weirdly distracted. Tried to focus on the sensations, on his eyes and lips and the gentle touch of his fingers, but I couldn’t. 

He stopped kissing me a second, tilted my face to him.

“Are you OK?”

“Yeah, I-“ But I didn’t want to talk about her right now. “Sorry.” I braced my hands on his chest, trying to collect myself. “I’m OK.”

He touched my face. “Is it kind of lame if I say you’re beautiful?”

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. “No, it’s not _lame_.”

“OK, cool. Well, you are.”

“Well… thank you.”

“I was having a kind of shitty day, but-“ His hand traced down over my face and neck. “- not any more.”

I remembered he said he’d been with the band. _Jeff._

“How was, um- how was the practice?” I asked.

“It was…” He shook his head. “Good, in some ways.” He pulled me into his arms on the couch, and I nestled closer to his warm body, fingering a strand of his long brown hair. “Andy was good. I think we’ll be ready to play again really soon, which is kind of a relief.”

“Did you… talk to Jeff?” I asked.

His fingers traced gently over my arm. “No, um- about that.”

I looked at him. He pushed back his hair kind of nervously.

“So… I can’t tell Jeff about… us, right now.”

“What?” I stared at him.

“I, um-“ He exhaled. “I’m sorry, it’s - We kind of had it out, again. At the practice. It was pretty bad. And I just don’t think, um. That he would take it too well. Like - things are about to blow up for us, and we really need, I guess, just to be on the same team right now.”

I nodded, slowly. “I get that. I do. But like - what does that mean? We can’t tell anyone about us?” I shook my head. “I mean, even if you don’t tell him, someone else could-“ 

I disentangled myself a little and crossed my arms over my chest, feeling cold again.

“If we just, don’t make a big thing of it for a while-“he began.

“What’s a while?”

“I don’t know. Our record is out in March.”

I looked at him, not really able to believe it. “You want to try and keep this a secret til _March_?”

“Not like, a _secret-_ “ He shook his head, frustrated. “Fuck, I - I’m sorry. I know this is weird-“

“I thought… I mean, I guess I thought, after the other night, like- the stuff you said-“

He shook his head, took my hand again and interrupted me. “I know, OK? And I _meant_ that stuff, I- I _like_ you. I mean, don’t you get that by now?” I couldn’t help smiling, and his eyes softened a little. “I feel like I’ve been pretty clear.”

“Well, maybe if you’d been more clear at the start-“I began.

“I _know_. But, can we just move on from that?”

I wanted to say that I was not OK with this situation. That I didn’t want to have some kind of secret affair because of some band drama. But I felt like it was kind of my fault, like, if I hadn’t hooked up with Jeff…

“So, what are we gonna do?”I asked.

He looked at me, and I felt it again, that pull between us.

“What are we gonna do?”he repeated softly. He kissed me, the light touch of his tongue against mine making me shiver and draw closer. 

“What are we gonna do about.. this?” I said, pulling away. I wasn’t gonna cave that easy. He traced his thumb over my cheekbone, kissed me again. “Stone-“

“Well, first, I’m gonna make you come so hard,” he murmured, smiling against my lips as I kissed him hungrily, forgot about all of it, pulling at his t-shirt and running my hands over his body as he slipped his fingers inside my underwear and teased me til I was out of my mind. 

We didn’t stop until we were both naked, exhausted and sweaty, tangled up on my couch as the black and white movie continued to play on the TV without sound. It was intense and passionate and after, I lay against his chest breathing hard, knowing I needed to get up and clean up, but not wanting to move. I felt his heartbeat slowly returning to normal, the tension all gone out of his body. 

Even if things were weird, or would be weird for a while, he did something to me. I didn't know how it was going to work, but it _had_ to work. I wanted more of this feeling, how it made me forget everything else. 

“My mom kept asking me, _who’s Sara_ ,” Stone said, shaking his head. “I need to move out.”

I giggled, started singing that lyric from the Nirvana song - “ _you’re in high school again, no recess…_ ” 

“That’s… accurate.”

“I actually met him today. Kurt from Nirvana. I didn’t even recognise him, I looked like a total freak.” 

Stone laughed. “At Sub Pop? Wow. No, I _love_ that.”

“I can never go back,” I said, giggling.

“Don’t tell them you like this sell-out.” There was a smile in his voice.

“I _do_ like this sell-out.”

We looked at each other. Even though we were both too tired to move, we kissed for a while in the dark, soft and unhurried and perfect, his body right against mine. We fell asleep like that, a blanket pulled over us, and even though things weren’t exactly simple - I was happy. I was actually just really _happy._

I knew we couldn’t go to Chris’ party together, because of the Jeff thing. Alicia was supposed to pick me up anyway, later. But the next morning, I didn’t want him to go. After we had sleepy, gentle sex, tangled up in the blanket, I sat on the counter and watched as he made coffee in my battered old machine.

“You know they stopped making these in probably the 70s,” he said.

“I’m more of a tea person.”

“You’re so not from Seattle.”

I smiled, pointing at my Cleveland Indians tshirt. “Congrats, Sherlock.”

He came over and held me by the waist. “I told you before, girls being rude to me is my thing, so this is really working for me.”

“OK, good.” He kissed me, and I wrapped my legs around him. He pulled back and looked at me, his green eyes soft. 

“So, tell me about Chris’ party,” I said as the coffee machine made weird noises beside us.

“Well, he’s been doing it for a couple years now. Kind of started out as a thing for Andy, but now a lot of people go, especially if they don’t have a lot of family, or…” He shifted kind of awkwardly. “It’s cool, he cooks, Meg usually helps out. Generally, a lot of drunken escapades. Singing. Jerry usually loses all his clothes at some point.” He frowned a little. “Although, I don’t know how that’s gonna work this year exactly. Andy’s not supposed to drink or whatever.” He looked at me. “Are you gonna be OK, um - with Jeff?”

I nodded. What was I gonna do, not go? “You sure about the whole, not telling him thing? I mean, you think that’s the right thing to do?” I said, touching his face, a little distracted by how pretty he was.

He looked at me steadily. “I don’t want to stop doing this. Do you?”

I shook my head. I didn’t. I really didn’t.

“Then, I can deal with it. For a little while. Just until things are a little more… settled,” he said. And then he kissed me again, and I just said, “Yeah.”

_It was OK. It would be fine._

Stone left to go do some Christmas thing with his family, and I sat at the kitchen table drinking more tea, thinking about the thing I needed to do now. 

Eventually, I just picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey - Jeff.”

“Oh. Hey.”

“I’m really sorry I didn’t call you back.” I rubbed my face with my hand, feeling like there was a bottomless pit in my stomach. “And for, um- buzzing you, before. I was being really weird.”

He sighed. “Yeah. It was a little weird. Are you OK?”

“Um-“ I stared hard at the gross old fashioned pattern on the kitchen wall paper. Listened to the _drip-drip-drip_ of the tap. “Yeah.”

There was a long pause. 

“That doesn’t sound good,” he said.

_Drip-drip-drip._ I closed my eyes. “I don’t know if I can, um. See you anymore.”

_There. I just said it._

Another endless pause.

“OK.”

“I’m really sorry, Jeff, I-“

“That’s OK. You don’t need to explain, um. It’s fine.”

“I didn’t want to say this later and make it weird-“

“Really. It’s OK. I get it. Um, I gotta go though. Thanks.”

He hung up. I stared at the phone. I don’t know what kind of reaction I expected. He sounded so much worse than I thought he would. I screwed my eyes shut til I saw stars. It was the right thing, but it was shitty. It was just… shitty. 

I sat there for a long time, my tea going cold. At some point I dragged myself down the hallway to check my mail box. I wasn’t expecting anything; but inside was a little brown paper package. I recognised my Mom’s writing. 

I took it back to my apartment and sat on the couch, holding it. I wasn’t sure what this could be, and I kind of wished I wasn’t alone. But I could do this. _I could do this._

I ripped open the paper carefully. There was an old notebook inside; gold embossed leaves that I ran my finger across. It was soft with age, the cover was leatherette and brown, stained by time. I frowned and opened the front cover. Inside, his careless scribble: CHARLIE WELLER, 1964. 

There was a pencil doodle of a woman’s nude body in the corner of the page; it made me chuckle, that was my Dad alright. I ran my finger over it and it smudged, like it was only drawn yesterday. Funny, how that could be. 

I opened the pages and stared at the lines and lines of near-illegible writing that filled the book. Sometimes the scribblings were brief, a few lines per page. Sometimes they were long, running over pages and pages. I squinted at the handwriting. It was so much like mine.

_The feel of her heart under my hand, tiny like a bird’s wing, beating -_

_reminds me to stay quiet, to dream; to stay._

I stared at that page for a while. Tried to imagine him, being tender. Writing a poem. I couldn’t.

I took out the note that had been under the book. 

_“Dear Sara,I didn’t know what to get you for Christmas. I found this in the garage. I thought he might have wanted you to have it._

_Don’t stop writing. Mom.”_

I held the book in my hands for a while. As if by holding it, I could send him a message through the pages. Or, the younger him. The one who dreamed, and wrote. I never even knew he wrote. 

**JEFF**

After she told me, I hung up and sat there a while. I felt like shit. I hadn’t felt like this since leaving Montana, really. The one time I let myself get in a little deep, and - _gone._ She was gone, now. Before we even had a chance to _be_ anything. And she couldn’t do it to my face? 

And it was so weird, because the person I wanted to talk to was _Stone_. I’d spent so long being mad at him lately but he was still the first person I thought of, a lot of times. _Five years._ So much water under the bridge already. And yeah, he drove me fucking crazy, but - 

I picked up the phone, then put it back. 

He wouldn’t get it, he didn’t get anything. I was gonna be fine.

I got up and went to my room, where Sara’s little painting sat on the easel. I stayed up til 2 a.m. finishing it. I wanted to take it and throw it in the trash. Or like, throw it out the fucking window. 

But I didn’t. I carefully picked it up and wrapped it in plastic, put it by the door for later.

**MEG**

I knew something was wrong the minute I got to his house and Chris opened the door wearing a stained old t-shirt, mumbled “Hey”, and wandered groggily back into the kitchen. 

I was like, “Hey, what’s up?”, throwing my coat over the stair rail and following him, but he didn’t reply. It was obvious he hadn’t started cooking yet. The kitchen was dark and quiet and cold. 

I stared around. 

“You waiting for me, or…?”

Chris leaned against the counter, shrugged. Rubbed his face. He was covered in stubble, looked like he hadn’t slept. 

“Susan’s gone.”

I stared at him, not getting it. They’d been together a little while now- I always saw them around together at shows. They were _that_ couple. And yeah, sometimes it still made me ache, but - I was also OK. And I wasn’t like, _happy_ that they’d broken up. I’m not an asshole.

“You mean-“I started.

“Yeah. Again.”

“Oh.” I didn’t really know what to say. “What happened?”

“Fuck, I don't even know. You want a beer?”he said.

I watched him open the near-empty refrigerator. “It’s like, four p.m.”

“You used to be cool, Meg.”

“No, I’m good.” 

He opened a can and drank, fast. I awkwardly fingered the bag I was holding. 

“Um, so - what are we making? I know you said you wanted to do duck this year, but-“

Chris just shrugged again. “Sorry to disappoint, kid, but I got a little... caught up.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to do. “So - we’re not cooking?”

“Knock yourself out.”

I put my bag on the counter, feeling kind of irritated. He couldn’t have called me and told me this was off? I brought stuff to make mince pies - my grandma’s recipe. When I told Chris before, he cracked up and said they sounded like a weird thing to make for a dessert, until I explained that the filling was fruit. 

“I guess I can still make these. Should we like, call people and tell them to bring food?”

“Susan has everyone’s numbers.”

“Oh, shit. Um, I could call, like, Grace and Alicia, try and get numbers?”

“It’s cool. We can just order pizza or something,” Chris said. 

I stared at my ingredients, not sure what to do or say. I’d only seen Chris down a couple of times before; but when he was down, he was _really_ fucking down. Then, Xana wandered in, wearing one of Andy’s shirts. She somehow managed to look so pretty all the time; no makeup, messy hair, she just pulled it off. 

“Oh, hey guys,” she said, going to get some water from the tap. 

“Hey Xana,” I said.

“Is there coffee?”she asked dubiously, glancing at the empty cupboard.

“Nope,” Chris said. 

She looked at his beer. “Wow. Starting early huh?”

“It’s Christmas Eve and I’m Irish.”

“Yeah, right, dude.” She didn’t seem too impressed. “Can you make sure you put those cans in the trash before Andy gets up? He had a bad night again and I don’t want him to, uh- Well, if you could just put them in the trash.” I watched her, as she poured a couple more glasses of water then wandered back out with them, leaving us in the awkward silence. She was so young, but she seemed so fucking strong.

“How’s he doing?” I asked, getting a cloth and attempting to clean the sticky counter, pushing beer cans out of the way. 

“Oh, yeah. We’re not really supposed to drink tonight,” Chris said. I handed him the empty cans and he put them in the trash. 

“Uh, OK. You know that applies to you too, right?”

He didn’t reply.

“Well, this is definitely gonna be a different Christmas, huh?”I said, rinsing the cloth.

“I guess I didn’t really… think it through.”

“Yeah, apparently.” I turned to him and tried to smile. “So, you gonna be my sous chef? The tables have turned at last?” I said, winking.

Even sad Chris couldn’t deal with that. “I taught you everything you know, kid. You have a recipe for this shit?”

I tapped the side of my head. “It’s all up here. You just need to do _exactly_ what I tell you.”

He stared at me a second, then this kind of wicked smile spread over his face. He was still fucking gorgeous. Still got me like that.

“Well, OK,” he said. “I could get into that.”

_Something in his voice, maybe._ Or, no. That was just my stupid heart and libido reading into every single thing he did. 

He took a step toward me, and I looked away, suddenly kind of nervous. 

“OK, so first we’re gonna make a shortcrust.”

“Move over, kid.”

**SARA**

Alicia pulled up outside my house and honked the horn. She always did that, she didn’t care about little things like neighbors. I grabbed my jacket, checked myself in the mirror and then went out before I could change my mind about my outfit again.

“Merry Christmas!” Alicia and Grace both yelled. They were playing that cheesy song “Driving Home for Christmas”, which only reminded me that I wasn’t going home for Christmas at all; that home was here now, this shady apartment building in a run-down corner of Seattle. 

“Merry Christmas,” I said, Grace leaning over from the front seat to give me a little hug.

“You feeling better now?”Alicia said, looking at me in the mirror as she pulled out. “You weren’t so hot the other night.”

“Um, yeah. I guess so.”

“Here,” Grace held something out for me. It was square and hard, wrapped in pink tissue paper. I stared at her.

“Oh god, I didn’t know we were doing - presents-“

“Oh, it’s nothing. Just something I did at work.” She smiled and I opened the paper carefully. Inside was that photo Charles took of us at Jeff’s party a while back. It was printed in black and white, laid in a cute silver frame. She’d given me a copy of it before, but I lost it when I was back in Cleveland. I smiled, I couldn’t help it. We looked so _happy._ I already knew it was one of my favorite photos of all time.

“That’s awesome. Thank you.” I put it carefully in my bag.

“You couldn’t have picked one with me in it?”Alicia bitched from the front seat. 

Grace nudged her. “Drive.”

We pulled up outside Chris’ little house, a tad further uptown from mine. It wasn’t far from where I used to walk in Kerry Park when I was feeling lonely and adrift; not even a year ago, wow. 

Alicia parked carelessly. “Huh, looks like Stone’s already here with the station wagon of doom.” When we got out, she wouldn’t look at me - she walked ahead a little and rang the bell.

“Everything OK with you guys?”Grace said quietly as we went up the little path. I shrugged.

“Long story.”

The door opened and Andy stood there. He was wearing a bright colored Christmas sweater, patterned all over with snowflakes and reindeer. His blond hair was messy around his shoulders. He looked good. 

“It’s Christmas Eve, children!” he said, holding out his arms. 

Grace hugged Andy and he pulled her in tight. 

“Hey, kid,” she said. “The sweater is _perfect_. Very George Michael circa _Last Christmas_.”

“You look good,”Alicia said, ruffling his hair and he winked at her. Then he smiled at me and hugged me, hard, before letting us all in. 

It was chaos in the little house; the hallway was full of shoes and coats, guitars and loud voices in the next room. I took my jacket off and put it on a random pile, followed my friends into the kitchen. 

Meg was standing looking stressed next to the cooker. A tiny girl with a mass of dark curly hair was there too, drinking a blue Slurpee. 

“Thank God,”Meg said, hugging me tightly. “I am in Christmas hell.”

I smiled at the other girl, and she grinned widely, showing a bright blue tongue. She was insanely pretty. I could literally feel Alicia giving her the one-two at my side. 

“Hi, I’m Demri,” she said. “Friend of Layne’s.”

“I’m Sara,” I said, taking the slim little hand she offered, tinkling with bracelets. She clasped it and then let go, offered me some Slurpee. I shook my head, smiling.

“I’m Grace, this is Alicia. What’re you making there?”Grace said, looking at the oven.

“Mince fucking pies,”grumbled Meg. “Chris totally spaced and this is like the only food we have. And he never cleans this oven, so they’re taking forever and are probably gonna taste like ass.”

“It’s like, a meat pie?”I asked, frowning. Meg shook her head irritably.

“Ugh, it’s like, a British thing. Never mind.”

“And we can’t drink, because, Andy,” Demri said. 

Alicia stared.“What the _fuck?_ This is a dry party?”

“Shhh!” Grace snapped at her. “That totally makes sense, so do _not_ be a dick about it.”

Chris appeared in the doorway, almost as tall as the frame. He smiled round at all of us.

“Well, thank god, because this was turning into a total sausage party til now,” he said.

“Thanks,” Demri and Meg said at the same time.

“You want to come listen to the world premiere of the new Seattle super-group?”he said. “Featuring members of the famous Soundgarden and Mother Love Bone.”

“Sounds _terrible_ ,” Meg said, peering through the oven window at her creation. “You guys go, I’m kind of tied up here.”

We followed Chris into the living room and saw Andy, Xana, Stone, Jeff, Bruce, Greg, Steve and Mark from Mudhoney, Jerry and Layne from Alice in Chains, a couple of other guys and girls I didn’t recognise, and - weirdly - the guy from the video store a few weeks back. Mike? 

But I didn't have much time to think about him, because I had the double stress of both saying a normal hi to Stone, and trying to deal with the awkwardness with Jeff - who was sitting on the couch with his hat pulled low, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else.

“OK, what do you got? Is this your backup in case Mother Love Bone turn out to suck?” Alicia said, sitting on the arm of a sofa. Mark said “whaddya mean _turn out to_?”quietly, and Bruce flipped him off. I tried not to laugh, but it really was like high school sometimes.

“Well, we don’t actually have any songs yet,” Chris said, lighting a cigarette. “I just think we’d _look_ really fucking cool. And plus, we found this shredder.” He patted Mike on the shoulder as the guy looked around really shyly for a minute, long brown hair over his face. I smiled at him, I wondered if he remembered me. I was glad he was here, playing music again.

“We do a really great I Want You Back by the Jackson Five,” Stone said.

“Don’t even joke about that, man. Jackson Five is good shit,” Layne said, as Demri climbed into his lap and played with his hair. They seemed like a new couple; that cute phase, zero drama. I glanced at Stone and I saw him looking very intently at the acoustic guitar in his hands.

“Me and Layne have our new thing worked out, we’re gonna start a Christmas duo,”Jerry said, fingering an acoustic guitar on his lap.

“Nah, it’s not a super-group if you’re in the same band already,”said a long-haired guy I hadn’t met before. “Them’s the rules.”

“This wise guy isn’t even from Seattle. Also, he’s from _Nirvana,_ so - oh, thanks,”Mark said, as the new guy threw a stained old cushion at him and he caught it. “I always wanted one of these.”

“No way! I just met your singer today,”i said, my excitement getting the better of me. Everyone looked at me, including Stone who I could see was kind of amused. “Um- yeah. I really like _Bleach_.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m Dave, I’m just the new drummer or something,” he said. 

“I wanna hear the Christmas duo!” Demri said.

Layne looked at Jerry. They both cracked up. “We actually did practice this,”Jerry said. “Layne must really like you, Dem.”

“Do it!”everyone yelled. 

Jerry grinned and strummed a few chords, tapped an intro out then he and Layne both came in together, perfectly harmonising - _“Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum”._ Demri was like- “oh my god that’s literally my favorite song” as they sang through the whole verse and chorus of Little Drummer Boy. 

When they were done, people clapped and she kissed Layne hard, in front of all of us. “How did you know that was my number one Christmas jam??”she said, her face all lit up.

“Little bird might’ve told him,” Xana said, smiling. 

“Where’d you learn how to do that?” Dave asked, looking impressed. “Those harmonies? Killer. So different.”

“I may have been a choir geek in high school,”Jerry said, taking a cigarette from Chris, who said, “You’re a dark horse Cantrell.”

“Well, so anyway - we gotta go,” Andy said then, getting up - and everyone looked at him like, _what?_

He smiled, shrugged. “Hey, this is a party. I’m not gonna make you guys all sit around here and drink fucking Sunny D all night. Xana's taking me for a wholesome Christmas date.”

“You're going?”Chris said, looking confused.

“It’s cool,”Andy said, patting him on the shoulder. 

“Are you coming back?” Grace asked. She seemed kind of bummed he was leaving. 

He nodded. “Yeah, later.”

Stone was looking at Andy like he wanted to say something, but Andy just flashed him a bright smile and mouthed something like “it’s OK”, and he didn’t. Xana kissed Demri on the cheek and they went to get their coats. 

We all kind of looked at each other.

“Is he..?”started Mark, but he didn’t finish his sentence. 

“He’s fine,” Jeff said. “You can’t drink around him right now.”

“Wow, you guys are gonna have a great time on tour,”said one of the guys I didn't recognise who was sitting with Mark and Steve. Mark was like, “shut the fuck up” quietly.

Just then Meg came in carrying a tray of burned looking little pies. She set them down on the coffee table amidst the debris of beer cans, ash trays and other random shit. 

“OK, this is the food.”

People stared at her, and the pies. 

“This is it?” Greg said, kind of rudely. 

“Well, your tall friend here didn’t actually buy or cook any food, so -“ she said. “They’re like… fruit pies.”

“She’s pretty good,”Chris said, and I saw how wide it made her smile when he said that.

“God, remember the first time we did this party? You guys did like a four course feast,” said Jerry. “You’ve changed, dude!” 

Chris shrugged, looking kind of distracted. “Yeah, well. Kind of have a life now.”

There was a slightly awkward silence then I heard a car start outside, Andy was gone.

“Anyway, beer’s in the kitchen,”Chris said. “Drink and be merry.”

People got up right away and went to the kitchen. Grace said she’d get us drinks, so I stayed where I was and listened to Steve and Stone mess on guitars, laughing when they messed up whatever jagged riff they were playing. “Fuck, we never did nail this,” Steve was saying. “I’m gonna bring it back,” Stone said, “I think what Mother Love Bone's really missing is that DIY flavor.” Alicia was watching them too, but I noticed Stone didn’t look at her at all. 

Grace came back in with some plastic cups of wine, saying “Don’t ask, I found it under the sink.”

Someone put that Ramones Christmas song on the stereo, too loud. _Merry Christmas, I don’t wanna fight tonight._

The girl sitting next to Mike grimaced. “What is it with little punk rock guys and the Ramones,” she said to us, picking a thread out of the long plaid skirt she was wearing. 

Meg cracked up, motioned to Steve and Stone. “Man, you should’ve seen these guys a few years back. Like a bad tribute band.”

The girl chuckled. “Sadly, I’m new here.”

“This is Mia, my friend from work,”Mike said, drinking fast from his second can of beer. “She plays too.”

“Oh, cool. Well please don’t judge us by this one lame party,”Meg said. 

Mia smiled, rolled her eyes.“I mean, the place I live is literally known as the Rathouse, so at least there’s like - electricity and running water here.”

“What the fuck, man, I can't believe Andy’s gone,”Layne said. “This is like, his _thing_.”

Demri kissed him on the cheek, got up and turned down the music. “Let’s play a stupid game!” she yelled.

Jerry cracked up. “You fucking serious? This ain’t a high school party.”

“Hey, you wanna get drunk or not?”

“I know how to get this guy drunk, just play that game Never Have I Ever,” Layne said. “It’s like his one way ticket to the emergency room.” Mia and the guys from Mudhoney were like, “YES”.

I glanced at Jeff, then Stone. A drinking game definitely seemed like it wouldn’t be the greatest idea, right now.


	35. Chapter 35

**SARA  
**

“Drinking games are dumb,” Meg said, looking at the untouched plate of pies. 

“Fuck it, I’m in,” said Greg. 

“No, I’m good,”Stone said, still messing with the guitar. 

“Don’t be such a pussy, dude,” Alicia said from her position curled up on the old armchair. 

He looked at her, then just looked back down at the guitar, shook his head. 

Mark Arm cracked up. “Stoney, you’re getting called out here.”

“OK. Fine,” he said. “I know you just really wanna relive the incident with the fish and the really tight pants, so-“

Bruce and Jeff both laughed and Mark took a mock bow. 

“Well I’m an out of towner, so this is like, porn for me,” Dave said, crossing his long legs. “I’m totally in.”

“I’m not really-“ I started, but Alicia she shot me a look, and it shut me up. _I was still the new kid here too, didn’t I get that?_ Or something like that. 

“So you drink if you’ve done the thing, right? I’ll start. ” Demri said. She threw back her mane of hair, smiled around at everyone. “Never have I ever driven a stick shift.”

There were various crows of disapproval. “What the fuck?” “What are you, twelve?” But a few people drank - Jeff, Mia, Meg, the guys from Mudhoney. 

“Europe,” Mark said, as if to explain it, and I saw Jeff roll his eyes.

“OK, I wanna go. Never have I ever had a threesome,” Meg said, raising an eyebrow.

Everyone looked around to see who was gonna drink. Jerry drank, and Layne slapped him on the shoulder. No one else did - then Dave held up his beer and took a drink. 

“Ohh, _OK!_ ” Demri yelled. “Welcome to fucking Seattle, freak!”

Everyone cracked up and Dave blushed red. “I mean, I’m a wild guy.” 

“I know Lukin and Steve want me, does that count?”Mark said, and Steve Turner threw a cup at him, which he caught and crunched up in his hand. 

“OK, never have I ever been banned from a club,” Grace said. Mark, Steve, Stone, Jeff and Bruce all drank. “It was actually two clubs,” Steve said, “so we have to drink twice.”

“Green River,” Meg said to me, and I giggled. “They used to like, slime the audience and stuff, jeez.” 

“OK, I got one. Never have I ever fucked in a public place,” Greg said. Then he glanced at me. And he winked. I literally could’ve disappeared into the floor. 

I took a tiny sip. Jerry drank, as did Demri and Layne, Mia, Chris, Alicia. I noticed that both Alicia and Greg were looking at Stone. I felt myself blushing. It was all weird.

“Bonus if you say where,” Dave cut in.

“Sears Tower back in Chicago,” Mia said. “I do not recommend.”

“Discovery Point lighthouse,” Demri and Layne both said at once. Chris just rolled his eyes and shook his head like he wasn’t gonna say. 

Alicia smiled and said, “Someone here is holding back on us.” 

“We want _details!”_ Steve Turner said, drunkenly.

“I mean - literally every party you ever threw, dude,” she said, with a wink.

I looked at Stone, but he wasn’t looking at me, just shaking his head, staring at his drink.

“Never I have I ever hooked up with two different people in 24 hours,”Alicia said. 

“I’m just gonna say yes to like, all of these,” Jerry said and drained his beer. Chris drank too.

“Isn’t this just like the same as the threesome thing?”said Bruce. 

“Like, you guys need to drink again.”

“Fuck, what is this, Kill Jerry Day or what?”Jerry bitched. He grabbed Layne’s drink out of his hand.

“Sara! You’re not drinking?” Alicia said then, staring at me.

“Uh, I never - did that,” I said. I could feel everyone looking at me, and most of all Stone and Jeff. 

“This girl, honestly,” Alicia said. “Fly your freak flag high, Sara.”

“Shut up, Leesh,” Meg said quietly. 

Grace glared, Alicia gave her a look like _what_?

“OK, how about - never have I ever hooked up with someone in this room?” That was Layne, grinning. 

A lot of us drank. I could see everyone trying to figure it all out. Me, Stone, Alicia, Grace, Jeff, Chris, Meg, Layne, Demri. 

“Jeez, we have all been in Seattle way too long,” Meg said, and Greg nodded, grimacing.

“Never have I ever hooked up with Stone Gossard,” Alicia said. “ _What?_ Stoney you know no one can resist you. I mean, my friends, anyway.” She grinned at me and Grace. We didn’t move, there was kind of an awkward silence. Then Jerry was like- 

“Fuck yeah, Stone is like, the best I've ever had.” He drank.

“Stone and me, that’s like, a regular Tuesday night,” Chris said, drinking. “I _know_ everyone in this room has had a piece of Stone Gossard, so, we’re _all_ gonna drink to that.”

“Funny.” Alicia sat back in her chair as everyone drank, Stone shaking his head with a grin. I glanced at Jerry who just nodded, once, like- _it’s cool._

“Never have I ever sold my soul to the Man,” Mark said. 

“I mean I definitely feel like I have,” said Dave, shaking his head and drinking. He was cool; pretty down to earth. Jeff and Bruce toasted each other across the circle and drank, so did Chris. Stone was like, “Change the record, jeez” to Mark - and then Alicia said, “Will you just fucking play the game, Stone? _Fuck_ ,”

Stone shook his head, drank, then said - “OK, I got one.”

“Thank God.”

“Never have I ever been in love.” 

Alicia stared at him. 

People were kind of like, _woah_ , then a few people drank. Chris. Meg. Layne. Demri. Mia. Dave. Mike. And me, too. Because I had been.

“Never have I ever lied in this game,” Alicia said, raising one eyebrow at Stone. He didn’t drink. I did. I felt Jeff’s eyes on me.

“I _know_ someone’s lied in this game,” Alicia said, still looking at Stone. He still didn’t drink. 

“OK, well, I have a threesome like every other day, so I guess _that_ was a lie,”Chris said loudly, trying to diffuse the tension. 

Meg reached for a drink too. “Yeah, it was like, a regular thing back at Ray’s.”

“Never have I ever lied to my best friend,” Alicia said. She was still looking at Stone. I drank, and then she looked at me. I saw Stone drain his whole drink and get up, Jeff watching as he went to the door.

“I, um- I’ll be right back. This game sucks, by the way,” he said.

“Uh, Jerry, I lied about not using your toothbrush that time in LA,” Layne said, drinking. Jerry messed up his hair and made Demri laugh. 

“Well this has all got a little intense,”Mark proclaimed. “Anyone want to play like, Twister or something?”

“I think I need some air as well,” said Meg. She got up, I thought about following her but I didn’t. I was vaguely aware that after a couple minutes, Chris got up as well. Maybe he was going to check on Stone.

“I should go see what’s up with Stone,”Jeff said.

“Um-“ I said before I knew what I was doing. “No, stay.”

“Yeah, he’s cool,”said Greg. “Leave it, dude.”

“It’s weird that Andy’s not here,” Bruce said, pulling the ring off his can. People nodded and stuff. “Like, he’s _always_ here.”

“Well you guys should play us some of your new stuff,” Mark said to Bruce. “I mean - do you even _have_ any?”

Jeff stared at him. “I guess it has more than three chords, so it takes us a little longer to write new material.”

“Can I borrow this?”said Dave, taking the acoustic guitar from Bruce. 

“I thought you were just a drummer,”Alicia said coolly.

“I’m actually kind of a one man band,” said Dave, noodling. “Don't tell Kurt.”

“Hey, that sounds pretty good,”Mike said, listening to him play.

“OK, I’m ordering pizza,”Jerry said. “A fuck ton of pizza.” He got up. “And no veggie shit.”

“Well, I need to split,” Alicia said abruptly, standing up and shaking her hair out. “Places to go, and stuff. Have a good Christmas, guys.” 

She didn’t look at us, just went to the door. She paused, but we didn’t stop her. I don’t know why.

**ALICIA**

No one tried to stop me leaving. I got my jacket, opened the front door, the cold air biting my skin. I fumbled in my pocket for my keys, and that’s when I saw Stone there, leaning against the wall.

I hadn’t been alone with him since that night at the Showbox. He never did answer my call. 

“Oh. I was just leaving,” I said.

“OK,” he said. Not looking at me. I waited a minute, but he didn’t say anything. So I said -

“Why’d you lie in there? To hurt me, or..?” 

The cold sending a shiver into my voice, making me feel weak. But I could deal with it. _I can deal with any fucking thing._

He didn’t answer.

“Because it didn’t work.”

He looked at me. The familiar line of his face, so pretty in the bright moonlight. 

“I never _wanted_ you to love me,” I said.

I remembered the feel of his heartbeat under my hand. I remembered being eight years old and losing my two front teeth, scared the kids would make fun of me, and what he said. _Well, then I’ll kill them. If anyone makes fun of you, I will._ And I remembered that night just a couple months ago outside the OK Hotel. Him kissing me, right there on the street, saying _I still think about you._ Years and years.

He shook his head. Went to the door. “Go home. I am done with this.”

I don’t know why, but I moved to stop him. I needed to stop him, somehow. _“Stoney-“_

He pushed past me and went back in. I stood there outside in the dark, until I was cold all the way through.

**MEG**

Jesus fucking Christ. I had to get some air. This town was draining me, it was too damn small. I made some excuse about going to get more beer from the garage and I was about to sneak out the front door when Chris appeared in the hallway behind me. 

“Is this a fake exit?”

I spun around. “W-what?”

“A fake exit? A f-exit!” he laughed. He was _drunk_ , I knew drunk Chris well enough, but this was pretty bad. He hadn't stopped since I arrived earlier, no matter what Xana had told him.

“Kind of,” I said. I hung in the hallway, not sure what to do.

“Enough drama in there for ya?”he said.

“Too much, actually. And no one’s eating my fucking pies,”I said dourly. He laughed.

“Fuckers. You want to help me carry this beer or not?”

“Um. I guess so. Not that I think anybody needs more.”

We went through to the garage. It was full of music stuff, beer and boxes. Chris pulled the light cord and a dim flickering light spluttered on. There were a few crates of beer in the corner. I was about to go grab them - when he pushed me against the wall. It was stone cold against my back, through my thin top. 

I stared up at him. We hadn’t been this close since that kiss a couple of years back. I wasn’t even sure if this was really happening.

“What are you doing?” I said, trying to stay calm. But I mean - _what kind of a question was that?_

He looked at me. His eyes hazy. Drunk. Beautiful. He smelled like alcohol and sweat, and _Chris._

“Don’t be dumb,” he said quietly. 

I stared at his lips. I wanted him to kiss me so bad, this was pretty much the fantasy I reran from the age of sixteen to nineteen. I mean, it was colder in here, he was drunker, I wasn’t wearing the perfect outfit, but - fuck that, honestly, _fuck it._

I leaned in, and then he did. Our lips were almost touching. I don’t know why we didn’t just _do it._ We stayed there, for what seemed like a long moment. 

“Chris,” I said softly, not sure what I wanted to say. 

“I’m really drunk,” he whispered.

I smiled. I wanted to touch him so bad. Or him to touch me. _Why weren’t we? “_ I know.”

He tilted my face up to him. In the half light he looked so incredible to me.

“So, are we gonna fuck?”he said. That teasing smile. 

I looked past him, at the messy basement full of crap. I could hear people talking loudly just a few rooms away. I was so cold.

“I don’t…” _Oh, Jesus._ “I-“ 

And then I pulled him down to kiss me. Felt my whole self melt into it. My head hit the wall as he kissed me hard and he cushioned it with his hand, pressed me hard into it and ran his other hand down my body, roughly grazing my chest. I gasped against his mouth, gripping a handful of his hair. “God, Chris,” His hand was moving up my leg, grazing over my underwear. I was aching. When I pressed against him he was so hard. I closed my eyes and thought about those long days in the kitchen at Ray’s, the nights I watched him on stage, the nights I’d spent dreaming about something like this. 

And then, I just kept thinking about Susan. The way he looked at her. The way they were together. I wanted someone to look at me like that, so bad. And I knew I didn't wanna be _this_ girl.

“Chris, no.”

He broke off from kissing me. Stared at me. I stared back, breathing hard.

“Too late,” I said. I was smiling. I don’t know why I was _smiling._

He moved away from me a little, like breaking a spell. 

“You sure?”

I had to laugh. I mean, _really._ He thought he was pretty hot shit. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. Let’s get this beer and get out of here, huh?”

Chris raked his hand through his tangled hair, not sure what to do or say. I exhaled, moved away. _Was I gonna regret this forever? Probably_. But I wasn’t a _kid_ anymore.

“Want to give me a hand here?”I said.

“You’re something else, you know that?”

“Thanks.”

We took it back in.

**SARA**

Everyone was pretty wrecked after a while, me included. Chris literally passed out on the sofa. The weird pies got drunk-eaten at some point, crumbs covered every surface. Bruce tried to start a Christmas singalong on the guitars but it ended up with some competitive solo-ing and a broken string. 

Meg pulled me aside and asked me what was going on with me and Stone. We made our excuses and went into the kitchen, where she searched for more alcohol that wasn’t shitty Rainier beer.

“We talked about it, but we um, we kind of decided to keep it quiet for a while,”i said, keeping my voice low. 

She looked at me.“What? Why?”

“Because of Jeff. Stone is really worried about the band.”

She tutted. “Oh, _right_.”

“I mean- it’s kind of a big moment for them, I don't want to get in the middle of it. I ended it with Jeff, but-”

“So, what, Stone gets to hook up with you but not tell anyone, is that it? Have you guys even been out in the day time?”

“No.” I stared at her. “That’s not-“

“I mean, that's what it sounds like. I guess if you’re cool with that, then- I mean, it might work for a little while, but this is a pretty small circle, if you hadn’t noticed.“ She banged the last cupboard door shut. “ _Fuck,_ this is like the worst Christmas party in history. But also - don’t you think it’s gonna be like ten times worse, if Jeff just finds out from someone else that you guys are hooking up?”

“Well, he won’t,” I said.

“Uh huh. Well, if you’re sure. Stoney better have a fucking solid gold dick, that’s all I can say.”

“No comment on that.” I smiled weakly. “Layne’s girlfriend seems nice. Are you-”

Meg waved her hand, dismissive. “She’s great. It wasn't like, a thing. I’m fine. Kind of sick of this whole scene, to be honest.”

We went back in, I tried to forget about the stuff she said. Stone was deep in conversation with Mike about something; earlier in the evening he said they used to trade rock star cards or something, which was about the cutest thing I’d ever heard. The later it got, the further the whole not-being-obvious-with-Stone thing was getting further from my mind. He looked so good, and I kept thinking about this morning, or last night. I guess he was too, because we kept catching each other’s eye. 

Eventually he was like - “Um, I’m gonna go check my car is locked.” No one really noticed. I waited a minute then said I was going to the bathroom. 

When I got into the hallway, Stone was there. 

“How’s it going?”he said, ironically. I tried not to laugh. 

“I probably have about 5 minutes,” I said. 

“OK, that’ll be fine.” I giggled as he pulled me into the bathroom and shut the door, locked it. Kissed me so hard, his hands in my hair.

“What was that fucking game, _Jesus_ ,” he breathed, between kissing me. 

I shook my head. “I know about you and Alicia,”I said, suddenly, before I could stop it.

Stone stopped and looked at me.

“What?”

“I know about you guys, like - _before_.” 

He opened his mouth, closed it. “Um… OK.” He pulled away slightly, and I frowned, tried to pull him back. His body seemed more tense all of a sudden. 

“What?” I said, searching his face.

“No, I- um- I didn’t know.” He looked away. “Sorry, that just kind of -“

“What?”

“Nothing,I-“

“It was a while ago, right? She told me-“

“She did?”

“Yeah. _What?_ ”

“Forget it,” he said, kissing me again. I returned his kiss, hard, needy, kind of pulling on his hair. I reached down and touched him through his jeans and he shivered against me. “Sara-“

All I could think about was: _he was mine,_ and I didn’t care who knew it. I was sick of being the sweet girl who always went along with stuff. 

Also, I was drunk. Really fucking drunk. 

I undid his jeans and slipped my hand inside his boxers, he pulled me to him and moaned softly against my mouth, kissed me to stifle it.

“I want you,” I whispered, kissing his neck, touching him insistently.

“We - can’t -“he said, taking my hands and holding them, breathing hard as me, kind of laughing incredulously. “Everyone’s right there-“

“It’s kind of hot though, right?” I said, brushing my lips against his.

He chuckled. “You're drunk.” 

I nodded, smiling and kissing him when Jeff’s voice came from behind the door - 

“Sara? Are you OK in there?”

“Fuck,” Stone said quietly, letting go of my hands.

“I don’t care,” I whispered. But when I touched him again, he moved away this time, looked at the door. 

“We can’t,” he said again, trying to compose himself. 

“Sara?” Jeff’s voice.

“Um, yeah I’m good! I’m just - um, taking a minute,” I called, through the door. 

There was a pause, then-

“OK.”

I heard him go and exhaled, smoothed down my hair. “God, remember that night at the Soundgarden show?” I said, shaking my head and smiling. 

“Um, yeah. I do.” I guess he was thinking about Greg, who had walked in on it. And who was currently in the next room. _Wasn’t this supposed to be less complicated by now?_

“We should probably-“ I started, and he nodded.

I was about to unlock the door and go out when he said-

“Hey, um - the Alicia thing?”

“It’s fine,” I said. _Did I already say that_? “i know it was a while ago. It’s cool. Just wanted you to know… that I knew.”

“I would’ve told you -“ he said, then broke off, looking kind of stressed.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“I would. It was like, two, three years ago, I didn’t-“

“I _know_.”

“OK.”

It was briefly awkward; then I went out, quickly went back into the living room. Jeff was sprawled on the couch with Jerry. He looked at me. “Sorry, um - I just, I have something for you.”

I stared at him.“What?”

“This.” 

He got up and went to a pile of stuff at the side of the room and pulled out something that looked like a small canvas, wrapped in a piece of plastic, then handed it to me. His hand brushed against mine when he gave it to me, and he quickly pulled it away.

It was a little painting, of the view from the top of the Ferris wheel. The Space Needle; the fountain; the way Seattle looked from above at night. It was… beautiful. 

I stared at it, then at Jeff.

“Oh my god. This is- _you_ did this?”

He nodded, went back to sit down next to Jerry. “You like it?”

I looked at it; the bold brush strokes, the vibrant glow of the colors. The thing is, I _loved_ it. But I hated the fact he'd done that for me. He was so sweet, so generous, and I hurt him. I felt shitty.

“It’s amazing,” I said. “How’d you do this just from memory?”

“It’s a superpower,”Jeff said, smiling kind of weakly. 

Jerry patted his arm. “Maybe you can take me on the ferris wheel next time, Ament. Show me a good time.”

“Thank you,” I said slowly. “Really. This is… I mean. Probably the best present i’ve ever had.”

Jeff looked at me, and I smiled. He managed a smile back. Just then, Stone came back in. 

“Car is still present and correct.” 

“Stone, check out this painting Jeff did for Sara,” Meg said. 

Stone glanced at it, then did a double take.

“Um - wow. That’s… really nice.”

“It’s nothing,”Jeff said. 

I kept my eyes on the floor, though I could feel Stone watching me.

“Hey Sara, you wanna go soon?”Grace yawned. “We can call a cab.”

“Yeah,” I said, kind of reluctantly. “I guess.” 

I didn’t want to go back to an empty apartment for Christmas, but I knew Meg and Grace had family stuff tomorrow. I glanced over at Stone. Wished that he could just come home with me. But he was talking to Steve Turner about something and he didn't notice me looking.

We were just getting up to get our stuff when I heard the front door slam. Andy came into the living room with Xana. He was still wearing his coat and carrying a big plastic bag. He looked around the room and smiled kind of quizzically at the scene of devastation - pizza boxes, crushed mince pies and empty cups and beer cans, Chris passed out on the sofa - his long body sprawled out, hair hanging off the arm. Everyone was so happy Andy was back, it was like the room opened up or something.

“Uh, what’d I miss?” he said, setting down the bag.

“Nothing good,”Jeff said, looking for his hat down the back of the armchair. 

Xana noticed Andy looking at the drinks and she put her hand on his arm. “Hey, you wanna go to bed? It’s late-“

“Well, I bought these-“ he said, digging in the bag for some thin cardboard boxes. There was a red devil on the front. “-for the stragglers.” 

We all looked at them, not getting it, and he rolled his eyes. 

“Sparklers. Y’all know it’s Christmas Day in like, ten minutes.”

I looked at my watch, it was almost midnight. 

“Are those even legal in Washington state?”said Dave. 

Andy nodded. “I mean, I don’t know what these guys have told you, but I’m not like, _that_ bad-ass. I got them at Walmart. This girl takes me to the best places,” he said, and Xana rolled her eyes. “Anyway, you wanna go outside and light these up?”

“We were all kind of leaving,”Meg said. 

Andy’s face just fell.

“We can stay,”said Grace. “A little, anyway.”

Stone nodded, went and took the bag. “Yeah, we can stay. Jerry, you got something to light these?”

Everyone wandered outside of the front door onto the little piece of lawn. Demri was shivering and Layne had his coat around her shoulders, which was so cute. He kissed her tenderly. I couldn’t stop looking over at Stone; I hated the fact we had to sneak around like this. 

It was so silent outside, the way only Christmas morning can be. Meg seemed kind of quiet still, deep in thought. Something in me made me take her hand, and she smiled at me, squeezed it.

“OK, here goes. I’m an intoxicated man lighting a firework, come and fucking arrest me,”Jerry called, flicking his lighter and setting the first sparkler alight. 

Everyone whooped as it blazed into life, lighting up the darkness. Jerry handed it to Andy quickly, and he swirled it through the air, I saw Xana and Stone and Grace smiling to see it. He seemed like he was so fucking loved. 

“OK, I need another one,” he said, and Jerry gave him another. “ _Amazing.”_

“Gimme one,”Demri said. She drew her name in pretty cursive, I watched as it dissipated into the air, burning so bright then dying out as fast as it had been there. She kept going til it was burnt out.

Jerry handed one to Mark and he jumped around with it. “Stoney, guess what I’m writing,” he said. 

“I don’t know. Mother Love Bone suck?”Stone said, shaking his head when Jerry offered one to him. 

“Exactly!” Mark said - but I was watching him, and he wrote GREEN RIVER in big looping letters that faded into the night. 

Grace had run into get her camera and she started taking photos, grimacing because she said the light sucked, but when she showed me one I thought it looked awesome - those streaks of light in the darkness. Something you’d want to remember. 

Jerry handed a sparkler to me and through the sputtering light I saw Jeff looking at me. He looked kind of sad. I tried to smile. 

“You want one?”I said. 

He shook his head, “Nah, I’m good.” 

But Andy was handing him one anyway. “If you don’t take this your singer is gonna wind up in the emergency room with a first degree burn, so you better,” he said, and Jeff did. 

“Merry Christmas, dude,” Andy said, and he kissed him on the cheek. Then he yelled, “Stoney! What are you, the fun police tonight?”

“I’m good.” 

“No, you’re not _good._ It’s CHRISTMAS! And that means peace and love. Peace and love, guys.” 

Andy pulled Stone over and handed him his sparkler. He put his arms around them both. “That’s all I want, and I’m a temperamental asshole who holds a mean grudge, so -“ 

Stone and Jeff both laughed, and it made me smile to see it.

“We’re all getting _out_ of this fucking town, man!” Mark yelled, swirling it behind him like a magic wand or something. 

Mia and Dave looked at each other, laughing, as she was like - “But we just _got_ here!!” 

Grace drew a heart in the air at me and I did the same back, catching Stone’s eye and seeing him wink at me. He looked so cute, I just wanted to kiss him so much. 

Well, there would be time for that later. For now, we were just a bunch of drunken idiots running around Chris’ square of lawn, sending sparks of light into the night, making all the noise we wanted. Random voices yelling the chorus to the Pogues: _the boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay, and the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day._

**STONE**

After they had all gone, me, Andy and Jeff went back inside and hung out, listening to Cornell snore. Xana went up to bed. And Grace took Sara home with her for Christmas. I still wished I hadn’t been such an asshole to her a couple years back, she was just so _good._ But I mostly wished I could’ve been the one taking Sara home. She was always in the back of my mind, now - like one good thing in all the middle of all the hard stuff. When I hugged her all I wanted was to kiss her again, but I didn’t.

“ _Stone?_ ”

I looked at Jeff. I’d kind of zoned out. “Yeah?”

“Andy said, do you want to stay here?”

“Um - no, no. I should get home, my mom will freak out if I’m not there in the morning.”

Jeff snickered. Oh, what the hell. He could laugh it up, but he was the one thousands of miles from his family on Christmas. _What was up with that?_

“Cut the cord, Stoney,”Andy said, grinning, “I mean - I’m bitter, though.”

“Alicia was kinda weird tonight,” Jeff said, glancing at me.

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Hell hath no fury,”Andy said, stretching. “That’s all I’m sayin’.”

“I mean - that’s not-“ I didn’t have the energy to put up a denial, also I _was_ done. The minute I said it earlier, I knew I was. The way things were with Sara was so fucking different. She was soft, sweet. I needed that.

“That was a cool painting you did,” I said, neutral.

“It was awesome. Like, if we totally crash and burn - you’ve got backup,” Andy said, like it wasn’t a totally loaded kinda thing to say. “How’d you even do that from memory?”

Jeff shrugged, looking at the floor. “I didn’t.”

“What?”

He laughed, shook his head.

“I went back on that fucking ferris wheel like, twice with my sketchpad. Nearly shit myself, but...”

Me and Andy were just like, looking at him.

“Yeah.” He rubbed his hands over his face, pulled his hat down.

“Wow,” I said. I thought about me telling this beautiful, sweet girl that I wanted to keep her a secret. The same girl Jeff that painted a fucking picture for. I felt anxiety rising up in me; that feeling that I was fucking up, again.

Cornell stirred awake, then. He blinked, stared at us. “Oh. Hey.”

“Good morning,”Andy said.

“Fuck, it’s morning?” He sat upright. We all laughed. 

“Nah, it’s early. You kinda missed your party though,”Andy said.

“Oh.” He settled back down, pulled an old beaten up cushion over his face. “Well, that was kinda the plan.”

“You OK, man? I heard about Susan,”Jeff said. Chris said something we couldn't hear through the cushion.

“She’ll be back,”Andy said. “You’re a hot piece. I mean, if she doesn’t, I pretty much live here, so let’s just like, take the next step in our relationship.” Chris flipped him off.

I guess with Susan, it was about his drinking again. Or maybe, another girl. He had this tendency to self destruct sometimes. 

I picked up the guitar next to me and tuned it, thought of that new thing we’d been working on a while back. I played the first couple chords and turned to Jeff. 

“Hey, you know you were asking me about _Dollar Short_ yesterday?”

“Um, yeah. The opening thing?”

“Yeah, I had an idea how to fix it. I think it needs to be shorter, it’ll be more tight. Like this.” I played it through, looked at Jeff. He nodded. “And you’ll come in here.”

“Yeah, that’s better. Play it again.”

Andy got up and went out of the room, I stopped, me and Jeff looked at each other - but then he was back, holding his notebook. He flipped the pages through to some random spot in the middle where he’d marked the edge. 

“I was actually thinking about this too,” he said. “Got some stuff down when I was out of town, you wanna hear?”

“It’s different from what you were singing before?”

“I changed it up a little.”

“OK, let’s try it.”

Chris took the cushion off his face. “This ain’t a fucking rehearsal studio, y’know.”

“Shit, really? I mean the signs are kind of misleading then,”I said. 

“Fuckin’ sell-outs.” He closed his eyes but he was smiling. 

Andy gave a salute. “Selling our souls since 1988.”

We played together til it wasn’t dark outside anymore. I didn’t know the last time we did something like that. And I was glad, that it was Jeff. That I met him. I knew we got each other, we made each other better, somehow. Knew I wouldn’t find someone else like that to play with. Maybe, ever. 

When Andy fell asleep, we covered him with his jacket and went out quietly, blinking in the cold light. I dropped Jeff back at his building and before he got out he gave me this awkward one-arm hug. Another thing we hadn’t done in a long time. 

“Thanks for the ride. And, um -“

I looked at him. 

“Nothing.” He opened the door. 

“You good?”I asked.

He nodded. “I’m good.”

“I’ll call you later, um - if you wanna talk about the set next week,” I said.

“OK, cool.”

“Have a good Christmas.”

He nodded, shut the door.

I had this sense of excitement again, the kind I hadn’t had in months. We were so close now, it was actually happening. We’d done the hard part, this was it now. All we'd wanted, our whole lives. If me and Jeff could be OK, we could do anything. So we _had_ to be OK, then everything else would be too.

The song. The show. The record. The band. Andy. 

_Andy._


	36. Chapter 36

##  **SARA**

I spent Christmas Day with Grace’s family, their house full of beautiful interesting things, their warmth making me forget about my stuff for a while. Her dad was an emergency room doctor, he was always hugging them. Her mom was serious, kind; you knew she was a good therapist. They had a vegetarian Christmas dinner, which I thought had probably never happened in Ohio in the history of the world. 

After we ate, Grace’s little sister made me a woven bracelet out of green and red threads, and her mom showed us old photographs of Berlin before the war, her father’s old toy shop. Grace said to me, “We should go there and find it.” And it made me smile so much, because she said _we._

When she was driving me home from her parents’ house in Capitol Hill, she said - “So, are you OK?”

“Yeah, I’m OK. I am.” I looked out at the neat houses, the view of the mountain. “Things are OK.”

“Things?” She glanced at me, briefly. I felt slightly on edge.

“If you’re asking me about Stone-“

“I didn’t say anything about Stone.”

“Right, well -“ I thought about it. I hadn’t really caught her up since that day at the Raison with Andy and Cameron, before anything even happened again between me and Stone. She was scandalised enough when I told her I quit my job, I wasn’t sure how this was gonna go down. “I guess, the truth is we hooked up again.”

“No _way_! When did this happen?!”

“Like… that night after me and you were at the coffee shop with Andy and Cameron. Last week.”

“Wow, OK. I mean, I didn’t see that coming. You guys barely spoke.”

“Yeah, I know. It was weird, but…” I tailed off, and didn’t know how to finish my sentence.

“So, um - like, you don’t care about that thing with Alicia?”she asked, frowning slightly as she flicked on the windscreen wipers.

“You mean, the thing when he was in Green River?”

She looked at me for a second. “Um.. well, yeah. But also-“

“No,” I cut her off, not wanting to talk about that again. I just wanted to forget the whole thing. “I don’t care. Alicia told me about it, she said it was nothing. I mean yeah, it’s weird, but… I like him. And he likes me as well, so…”

“Huh.” Grace pulled up at a stop light. “I really didn’t pick up this vibe at the party last night.”

“No,” I fidgeted with my bracelet. “We’re kind of keeping it… quiet for a bit. Because of Jeff.”

“Wow,” she said again. “That’s…”

“Yeah.”

“… gonna be interesting. You know Jeff likes you? I mean, it was so obvious the other day, and that _painting_ he gave you?” 

It was by my boots in the footwell. Grace’s dad had said it was amazing and that the boy who painted it for me was a keeper.

“I know, but- the thing is, I like Stone, and I wish I could just like Jeff and things be simple but it’s not,” I said, more forcefully than I meant to.

Grace bit her lip, didn’t look at me. The stop light seemed to be taking forever. 

“It’s fine, I just know that Mother Love Bone are in a weird place right now and I don’t want to cause more drama for them, so I don’t mind just keeping a lid on it for a while,” I said, kind of lamely.

“You don’t _mind?_ ”

“No, I don’t.”

“It probably wasn’t the greatest idea to hook up with Jeff in the first place, though-“

“OK, wow,” I said, staring at her. “Thanks for the memo, I already feel like a bitch.”

Grace shook her head violently, pulled away from the lights. “No, _God_ , I’m sorry, that was a dick thing to say, just- it sucks that it’s so complicated. Though, in my opinion, Stone is acting like a pussy, by the way.”

I looked out of the window again. The streets were still quiet for Christmas. The shutters were down on all the delis and stores in my neighborhood, the usual traffic was gone.

“Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t.”

“You _do_ like him.”

I thought about how cute he was, as well as being totally sexy and funny and weirdly awkward at the same time. “Well… yeah.”

She dropped me off at my building and hugged me hard; like her parents hugged. Spending time with them had filled me up, made me feel like I had a center again - like I wasn’t just this lost little girl far from home, who’d never find a place anywhere. I thanked her way too much and then went inside, hanging Jeff’s little painting above my bed carefully. Every time I looked at it I felt warm, too. 

I listened to my messages. One from Lil wishing me happy Christmas from her family vacation in Maui, and also asking me to water her cactus. I glanced at the sad little guy dying a slow death on the kitchen window sill, wondered where I could find a convincing replacement before she got home. One from Meg, kind of drunkenly telling me she loved me and that I should be proud of her for resisting Chris’ charms - I guess I’d hear whatever story that was, later. One from my mom, returning the message I left her earlier - halting, emotional, saying my aunt said hello and everybody wished I could have been there.

And nothing from Stone.

I thought- _that’s weird._

But then I figured, _it’s Christmas Day, he probably just hasn’t had time yet._ It was only eight, after all. Since my voicemail incident with his mom, I decided I was not gonna risk it again. 

I was so tired, my few hours of sleep on Grace’s pull out bed when we got back from Chris’ had barely sustained me through the day. I dragged myself into PJs and then collapsed on the sofa with the piece of fruit cake I brought home from Grace’s, zoning out in front of an _I Love Lucy_ special. When I woke up, it was past midnight. Half-asleep, I checked my messages again - but there was nothing there.

I slept late the next morning, got up and made tea, feeling kind of restless. And that weird undercurrent of anxiety, like- _what’s going on? What happened? Did I do something?_ I thought back on the other night, the way he kissed me in the bathroom, then the weirdness when I said I knew about him and Alicia. _Fuck, did I mess this up? Why did I even mention it, especially then?_ I sat at the kitchen table mentally beating myself up for a while. I decided to distract myself by cleaning the apartment, but it wasn't working. 

When the phone rang, I grabbed it, almost dropping it in the process. 

“Hello??”

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

I had to sit down, I was pretty relieved. 

“You OK? You sound a little- um, stressed,” Stone said.

“Yeah, no I’m good. Great, actually. I’m just… cleaning.”

“Oh, well - that sounds good.”

_Was this awkward?_ Ugh, part of me wished I could just embrace the celibate life forever, it’d be easier. 

“So, um - how was your Christmas?”I asked.

He sighed, I could picture the exact facial expression he was making, and it made me smile. 

“It was fine. A whole new level of the third degree about _how’s Andy, do we think he's gonna be OK_ , oh, and the new one - _so who’s the girl who called you_?”

I giggled. “Oh, nice. Just say- no comment, no comment, and she’s awesome.”

“OK, thanks. That PR stuff is gonna come in real handy soon.”

“So, you have fun the other night?”i asked, remembering that he’d stayed later with Jeff and Andy. I’d been kind of anxious about it, through my drunken haze. 

“Yeah, it was fun, from what I remember. This girl tried to molest me in the bathroom, but-“

“Hey!”

He laughed, and I couldn’t be mad at all. “She was kind of cute though.”

“Oh, _kind of_?”

“Do you want to do something?”he asked, directly.

“Like, today?”

“Well, yeah - like this afternoon?”

“Sure.” It was already twelve, I needed to wash my hair and stuff, probably tidy my room, but fuck it, _yes._

“OK, I’ll come over in like an hour and a half.”

Somehow by the time he buzzed my door I had managed to do all the stuff I needed to do, and I quickly pressed the intercom. 

“OK, come out,” Stone said.

“Really?”

He chuckled on the line. “Yes, really.”

I put on my boots and a jacket, wrapped an ancient knitted scarf round my neck and went out, thinking - _screw you Meg, because yes we are out in the daytime_. He was waiting by his car, and I smiled because he was also wearing a knitted scarf, and it was the least rockstar I’d ever seen him look.

“Nice scarf,” I said, crunching the frosted grass under my boots as I wandered over to his car. 

“You too.”

“I actually made this myself, in home ec like a million years ago,” I said.

“That’s pretty impressive. Can you make me one too?”

I smiled, and Stone took a step toward me, fingered the purple wool of my scarf. “The color’s really masculine, that whole look I’m going for,” he said seriously.

“And a sweater to match?”

“Definitely.” 

He leaned in and kissed me, and I was just like- _OK, this is all worth it._ What I felt, that was real. I wasn’t gonna start sitting by the phone and agonising, or beating myself up for stuff I’d done in the past. His loose hair fell against my face and I reached up to brush it back the same time as he did, we both kind of laughed, he took my hand and pressed it to his lips. 

“It’s nice to see you,” he said.

“You too.”

“OK, get in.”

I did, remembering the last time I was in Stone’s car. That night right after Andy went to rehab, it seemed like forever ago. He still hadn’t made any progress on cleaning it, apparently. He had a guitar case in the back, a few crumpled big pieces of paper with scrawled notation on them. A tape started playing loudly as soon as he started it - I recognised it. Sisters of Mercy. I had kind of a phase a few years back.

“Oh, cool,”I said. “I preferred their first one, though.”

Stone raised an eyebrow, turning the music down a little. “Yeah, that record has kind of weird associations for me, which is kinda… annoying.”

I sensed he didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn't ask. “Are you gonna take me to another desolate spot by the water?”i said. “I nearly froze my ass off last time.”

He chuckled as he pulled away from the street. “Only if you ask like really nice.”

“Where _ar_ e we going?”

“i was thinking Discovery Park - you been yet? It’s pretty cool. They have a light house and like, a beach and stuff.”

“I haven’t, I heard about the light house though. Did you know it was still operated by a person til a few years ago? Now it’s automated, I guess,” I said, remembering the guide book I read when I first came to the city.

Stone glanced at me. “No way. I didn’t know that. But the whole park actually used to be a kind of military fort. Kind of cool. It’s just trails and stuff, now. We used to go there a lot with my old dog.”

“Oh, you had a dog?”

“Yeah, like a really wimpy black lab. The just, scarediest dog on the planet. Marley.”

“Marley as in, Bob?” I said, giggling.

Stone smiled. “My dad’s a kinda frustrated hippie.”

“I would never have guessed that, Stone.”

He laughed and shook his head. “I’m impervious to your mockery.”

We drove up past the bay, where the ships came in and went out, the houses getting smaller and more crowded together, past signs for the Military Cemetery. The sky was pale and totally cloudless, one of those perfect winter days. I was glad it hadn’t rained; glad we were doing this. After the weirdness of trying to avoid each other at the party, it was nice to just be alone together, be normal. There was a little edge to him, like usual, but I knew he’d let it go at some point. I knew he wasn’t like Jeff, in that way - but that was OK. 

Soon we were driving through an avenue of thick pines, pulling off for the Discovery Park visitor center - which seemed to be a kind of sad little cabin with a corrugated iron roof covered in wet leaves, and a big sign on the door reading: CLOSED FOR XMAS, BACK JAN 4. The parking lot was almost empty, except for one other car. Stone pulled into a space, then reversed out and attempted to park more straight, which made me laugh, because it was kind of anal and cute at the same time.

“There’s like no one else here,” I said. 

He grinned, put the car in park then looked at me. “Good parking is hot.”

“If you say so.” 

I _really_ wanted him to kiss me. But he just gave me that look - like he knew, and he wasn’t going to. “So, are we going to this lighthouse?”i asked.

“I mean, or we can just make out in this parking lot,” he said, turning the keys.

I couldn’t tell if he was kidding, but I wasn’t exactly averse to the idea. “This is your date, so I’m gonna leave it in your capable hands.”

He cracked up when I said that. “My _capable_ hands? Wow. OK.”

“That’s it. Light house.” I put my hand on the door handle, and Stone reached over and cupped my face in his hand. Looked at me for a moment before kissing me, lightly at first then slipping his tongue into my mouth and making me shiver. _God damn_. I pulled him closer by his scarf and he broke off from kissing me, chuckling.

“Careful with the scarf.”

“OK, Bob Dylan.”

“I told you, I was raised by a frustrated hippie, so that’s a total compliment.”

I kissed him again. Getting out of the car seemed kind of far from my list of priorities right then. But then he broke it off, again -

“OK, light house.”

He got out of the car and I shook my head, buttoned up my jacket and got out, wondering if i’d kind of imagined that he was being a little edgy, or if he actually was. It was cold, a little wind coming off the water. I still hadn’t got to know the ins and outs of Seattle weather yet, even after nearly a year, and I was underdressed. Apparently Stone’s idea of a great date was a walk in the cold along the water, he was two for two by now.

“Is it far?” I asked, as we wandered over to the start of the trail, signposted with: WEST POINT LIGHT.

“No, it’s about ten, fifteen minutes. Oh, look out, there’s ice,” he said, gently steering me away from the frozen puddle in the middle of the path. His fingers lingered on my waist and I wondered if he was gonna hold my hand, but he didn’t. 

It was so quiet, as we walked. You couldn’t hear the city sounds at all, nothing but birds and the rustling of the trees, the sound of water lapping nearby. The path we took came out by a dune, covered in tall reeds. When the dune dipped, you could see the Sound, beyond a strip of beach covered in driftwood. Up ahead, I could see the light house stretching out on an outcrop.

“Oh, wow. This is… amazing.”

I stopped to look, and was kind of aware of Stone watching me. I smiled. “What? I come from a landlocked city most famous for like, car manufacturing, so.”

“I mean, and the Underground Railroad.” He was smiling, teasingly.

“Well-“

“And isn’t it, like, _the birth place of rock and roll_?”

“Did you swallow an encyclopaedia on Cleveland or something?!” I said.

“It’d be a pretty short encyclopaedia, but… nope, I just… read.” 

“OK, smartass. Well anyway, I like it here. This is _nice_.”

“Good. It’s kind of one of my favorite places,”he said. We started walking again, and I felt the fresh breeze on my skin, not even minding the cold. “How was your Christmas, anyway? I meant to call you, I just got kind of… caught up. You spent it with Grace?”

“Yeah, it was actually nice. Her parents are awesome. You know her mom like escaped from Germany before the war? I mean, she was a baby, but… it was kind of crazy. She had all these pictures of Berlin, like, swastikas hanging off buildings.”

“Wow, I didn’t know. It’s not really the kind of thing they talk about at parties.”

“Really?” 

Stone laughed, shortly, shook his head. “Uh, no. More like, the plight of the orcas, and how fucked up it is that Bush won. Also, y’know… golf.”

I giggled. “Well, she’s cool. I love Grace. She’s been really good to me, I guess they all have. Kind of feel like I landed on my feet here, in some way.”

Stone nodded, thoughtfully. “Mm.” 

I wondered if he was thinking about Alicia telling me about the two of them, and what he thought about that. I decided to change the subject.

“So are you excited for your show next week?”

“Yeah, definitely. Are you coming?”

“I mean - yeah, if you want me to.”

“Wow, that’s some enthusiasm.”

“I just meant, with um.. Jeff,” I said, awkwardly.

“Oh, well - I mean, yeah. There’s that,” he said, kicking a stone on the path. 

We stopped again, where the trail curved upwards to the top of a dune. You could see for miles. Bainbridge Island, and then the lights of the city in the distance too, the acres of rippling clear water broken by ships winding slowly across the channel. 

Stone pointed at something in the water. “Oh, wait, is that…? Look!”

“What is it?”

“I think it’s a whale. You see that?”

I could just make out a sleek shape cutting through the water, then it rolled and I could see a black fin, the outline of a body. “Oh, no way!”

“You ever see one before?”Stone asked.

“No, I haven’t.” I looked at him, and he seemed amused to see how much I was smiling. “It’s a fucking _whale_!”

“This is why desolate spots by the water are the best, that’s all I’m saying,”he said. Impulsively, I stood on my toes and kissed him and felt him smile against my lips, kiss me back. He was so warm in the cold, but I shivered a little anyway and he put his arms around me and looked at me, his eyes so green in the cold daylight. 

“I don’t think I ever said thank you for that, by the way.”

I looked back, not getting it. “For what?”

“That night by the water, after the party. It, um - it was cool of you. I didn’t deserve it, at all, but - thanks. It meant a lot, so.”

“That’s OK.”

“If it’s weird for you to come to our show, by the way, it’s fine,” he said.

I kind of wanted him to be like, _I really want you there -_ but he didn’t say that. I nodded, I guess I would decide that later. “OK.”

He kissed me again, then let go and we carried on up the path. He was telling me about the new song they’d been working on, the other night after everyone left. He sounded so happy, which was really nice to hear. Andy was writing again, Andy was staying clean, Andy was talking a lot about the future and it was like having him back again. All these things were good to hear - though I kind of remembered the way my mom talked about my dad when he was going through a good patch, and how much she wanted those things to stay true, and how hard it was if they didn’t. 

“I always thought this would be a cool place to make a music video,” he said. “The beach and stuff.”

“It would. I mean, I never would’ve thought of it, but -“

“You gotta remember I’m a sell-out and I’ve spent a very long time thinking about various rock video scenarios,”Stone said, deadpan. “This, and also a kind of epic thing in a church, with a lot of like, chains, a smoke machine. That Alice Cooper thing.”

I rolled my eyes, giggling. “Sure.”

“My friend Josh has a lot of ideas, he wants to be a video guy. He humors me.”

“That’s cool. Do you know what your first single is gonna be?”

“Stardog. Stardog Champion, y’know.” He did a little air guitar, sang the riff, which was cute, and I laughed. He grinned.“You remember that one?”

“Yeah. But keep doing the air guitar.”

He shook his head. “We actually made a video for it already. Feels like a while ago, now. So, um - where’d you read about the light house?”

“Just in this bookshop at the mall. I used to go there on lunch when I was working at the skate shop, read the books I couldn’t afford. I didn’t really get Seattle, I guess I wanted to know more. Like, I wanted it to be this special place I could really love, or something.” I gazed out at the Sound. “Which I kind of do, now.”

“I can’t really see you in a skate shop,”he said. 

“My ex got me the job. He was kind of a douche bag.”

“Oh, OK.”

“Is it weird that I said that?”

“No, I mean - everyone has an ex.”

I glanced at him. “Kind of weird that yours is one of my best friends, huh.”

“She’s not, um- It wasn’t like that,” he said. “It wasn’t… that kinda thing.”

I really wanted to know more about it, I didn’t want to push but- “So what happened? Why’d you… stop?”

He frowned. “Just, um- she had some issues. She wasn’t into it anymore. Can we talk about something else? How ‘bout those Cowboys?” He smiled, but it was kind of tense all of a sudden. I kicked a stone, tried to move on from it.

“Sure. Um, anyway - so yeah, it was just like this travel guide. But I remember reading that about the light house, it had a lighthouse-keeper until, I think, 85. Imagine that, just like, living in this cool old lighthouse, signalling boats all day.”

“I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than that.”

“Well, _anyway_. There was also a cool book on Seattle’s Black Victorians.”

“You read that too?”Stone asked, sounding intrigued.

“Kind of. I’m a nerd, you should probably know.”

“OK, don’t tell anyone this, but I’m a total nerd as well. I know I hide it incredibly well though.” 

I looked at him sideways and saw that cheeky glint in his eye. “Uh huh. Nerd rock.”

“ _Love_ rock, please.”

“Right.”

We had reached the end of the trail, beyond was a padlocked gate blocking off the path to the light house. The red light flashed steadily. It was so quiet, so peaceful. The breeze blew my hair around my face and I tucked it back behind my ears, looked in my pocket for a band to tie it back then pulled it into a loose ponytail. I glanced at Stone, who was watching me.

“What?” I said, smiling.

“You’re just really fucking pretty.”

“Oh.” I felt awkward as ever at the compliment. “Thanks.”

“So, tell me more about Seattle’s Black Victorians.”

“OK, make fun, but it was cool. Like an oral history kind of thing. It’s cool finding stuff like that in book shops, kind of makes you realise how much there is to know.”

He nodded, enthusiastically. “Yeah, it is. There’s a great used book store in the Market, actually.”

“Oh, I know- that’s my favorite. The place with the cats?”I said, excited. It was this crazy little two storey Aladdin’s cave full of books stacked high on tables and shelves, run by an ancient man with a long hippy beard and two cats that roamed around the store.

“The cats, and the wind chimes?”Stone said.

I giggled. “The wind chimes made out of like, old keys?!”

“Yeah, the _keys._ I mean, God knows where he got all the fucking keys. You think, from the pockets of his victims?”

“Stop,” I said, shaking my head. 

“Maybe I saw you there,” he said. 

“Maybe.”

We were still standing there by the gate, and it suddenly got colder as a strong wind came in. “You think we could try and get down to the beach?” I asked. “I wanna see how cold the water is.”

“I hate to tell you this, but it’s not exactly a swimming beach.”

“Thanks, Sherlock.” I picked my way over the dune, brushing the tall reeds out of the way, trying to keep my footing on the loose sand. Stone followed me, seeming kind of amused. When we got down to the wetter sand of the beach, another gust of wind blew my skirt a little and I pulled it down, squealing. 

He laughed, standing back. “That’s hot.”

I ignored him, wandered through the driftwood to the water's edge, feeling the damp seep into the soles of my old boots. The air was so clean and fresh, and when I touched the water it was freezing cold, totally clear. 

“It’s _so cold_!” I called to Stone.

“I mean, yeah. This is pretty much the furthest north you can be before you’re in Canada.”

“You ever swam in here?”I asked, raising one eyebrow.

“Um, no. I kind of want to keep my balls.”

“Oh, really? What for?”

“Pretty girls.”

I cracked up. “So smooth.”

“Come back, it’s really cold.” 

“OK.” I picked my way back across the beach. “I bet this place is nice in summer.”

He nodded. “Still kinda cold, but it is. Many illicit parties and whatnot. When we were kids there was like, nowhere to go, really. They brought in this law and a ton of places got shut down. So it was pretty much DIY fun, I guess. Til we started playing music and stuff.”

“Green River was a pretty big deal, huh?”

“Didn’t feel like that at the time, but- yeah, I mean I’m sure Sub Pop are still flogging it pretty hard,” Stone said, dryly.

“They have a lot of your t-shirts in the office.”

He laughed. “My Johnny Thunders era.”

We wandered back up the dunes, he helped me up onto the path and then didn’t let go of my hand, just linked his fingers through mine as we started walking. I felt my heart pick up, it was just one of those moments.

“I don’t know what it is about Seattle but actually _wanting_ to be like, a rock star -or whatever the fuck - that’s totally not something you’re supposed to want. As in, like, _success._ It’s pretty weird. I mean, you heard Mark at the party,” Stone said, thoughtful.

“I guess the whole rock star thing - smashing guitars or like, the _girls girls girls_ thing- it’s kind of… lame,”I said, noticing how beautiful he was in profile, and getting a little distracted.

“Well yeah, that’s not what I mean, but the major label thing - like, you think those guys don’t _want_ people to hear their record? You think they want to work in Starbucks for the rest of their lives?”

“I guess they just want to feel like they’re making art on their own terms,” I said, considering it. My stuff was so personal, like any other art. The idea of it being swallowed up by someone else’s idea of what was good, or sold wholesale like some new type of blender - it was uncomfortable. I kind of got why people were so protective of what was going on here. “i think there’s a difference between not wanting success and not wanting to lose yourself.”

Stone looked at me, like he wasn’t expecting me to say that. “I mean, I think you can have _both_. I really do think that.”

“Are you happy with your label?”I asked.

“I mean, yeah. Well, they were the one who wanted to sign us.”

“But you’re happy with them?”

He frowned slightly, then just shrugged. I felt his hand in mine loosening a little and wondered if I’d gone a little close to a nerve. 

“We’re happy,” he said.

“That’s good,” I said, running my thumb over his palm. We were coming back onto the trail now, more sheltered by the trees. I didnt want to say the wrong thing again.

“You think you’re gonna try and get your stuff published?”he asked. 

“I mean, if I ever write anything. Yeah. But it’s not like, the only goal. I just do it for myself, right now.”

He smiled. “Jesus, I feel like I’ve been on this _career path_ since I was about nine years old and I first heard _Dream Weaver_. Sometimes I wish I could just… I don’t know. Relax about it a little.”

“Well, that’s good. To have a plan,” I said. We walked back through the parking lot, just as a cloud was crossing overhead and the lightest rain started. “Good timing,” I said, getting in the car, which he had forgotten to lock. He got in too, and then said, 

“So- what now?”

It was past three, and the light was already starting to dim a little. I decided to just go for it.

“You want to come over? I still have pretty much no food, but I have a semi reputable pizza place on my street that never seems to close.”

“Excellent,” he said, starting the car.

“You need to get home, or-?”I asked.

“I told my mom I was seeing a friend,” he said with a wry grin,"and she only asked me like twice if it was a girl. But I think she… read between the lines.”

I smiled. “That’s cute.”

“Kind of annoying.”

“But cute.”

We drove back to my building as the rain started, the Sisters of Mercy tape playing out, still not quite as good as their first one. In the time it took to cross the front yard to get into my apartment we both got soaked in the now torrential rain, and our jackets and shoes ended up in a pile by the front door while I got us towels and Stone peeled off his wet jeans, making me raise my eyebrows at his fetching blue striped boxers. 

“Wow, those are very alluring,” I said as he towelled his hair dry, making it look more wavy and cute. He looked at me and I giggled, he shook his head.

“Oh, are you saying you want me to take them off?”

Which kind of thrilled me, but I was like - “Maybe later,” as I dried off my hair, trying to play it cool. 

Stone stared at me for a few seconds, then put the towel down on the table and took mine. 

“What are you-“I began.

“C’mon.” He pulled me by the hand, into my room, and pushed me down onto the bed, crawling up on me and kissing me. I barely had time to breathe, it was pretty hot.

“I’ve wanted to do this for like, a few days now,” he said, kissing my neck and undoing the buttons on the flannel I was wearing, sliding it off. I shivered at the feeling of his lips on my neck, moving down, his leg pushing mine apart and pressing against me. I tried to wriggle my skirt down and he smiled, kissed me again. 

“So, we gonna do this later, or-?“he said.

“I get the feeling you don’t like rejection,” I said, giggling.

“Well I get the feeling you’re into this, so..” 

I reached down and touched him through his boxers and his breath caught. “Yeah, you too.”

He pulled off his t-shirt and I managed to get out of my skirt and underwear then reached for him and slid his boxers down, pulling him onto me and gasping at the sensation of him pressing against me; what I’d been thinking about since last time we were together. 

“I really want you,”i said softly, and he kissed me, pushing inside me in one thrust and making me cry out and dig my nails into his back. He started off slow, but when I pushed up into him he murmured, “Tell me what you want”, and I just managed to gasp, “harder”, pulling gently on his hair. 

He knew exactly what he was doing, and when he pulled me on top he kept going deep as he licked his thumb and then teased me with it until I came hard and sudden, shaking with the intensity of it. I knew he was close, so I kept going, watching him as he came inside me, thinking how incredibly fucking sexy he was. After, he pulled me to him by the hair and kissed me, buried his face in my neck, breathing hard. 

“That was really hot,” he said, muffled.

I just nodded, breathless.

He rubbed his face, pushed back his hair. “Fuck.” He kissed me on the forehead. “I really like fucking you.”

I giggled, it was such a him thing to say. “Um… thanks.”

“I mean, that’s not the _only_ thing.”

“Right.” 

I trailed my hand over his chest, the small patch of dark hair and the lean muscle under his skin. “Next time, keep the sweater on though,” I said, and he laughed out loud, kissed me on the top of my head and played with a few strands of my hair. 

I felt so _right_. That happy feeling still with me. _Somehow,_ it had all worked out. So I’m not too sure why I then said-

“What was she like?”

“What? Who?”he asked, sounding confused.

I didn’t look at him, just kept tracing over his stomach with my finger tip. “Alicia.”

I felt his body tense up. I didn't know why I kept doing this - but I wanted to know. I wanted to just get it out of my system in a way.

“What do you mean?” His tone had an edge to it. 

I looked up at him and saw his green eyes were opaque, I couldn’t tell what he thought. “I mean, like… what was she like, when you guys were..”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I just, um - I feel like I wanna know,” I said.

“I don’t think you actually want me to answer that.”

I felt really dumb for the whole thing, kissed his collarbone and looked away. “I’m sorry.”

He didn’t say anything or move for a while, then I felt him sigh before he answered.

“She was… different. I prefer you.”

I looked at him when he said that, and he looked back at me steadily. 

“It was kind of fucked up, in a lot of ways. It’s not like that. With you.”

“Fucked up?”

He shook his head, flicked his eyes away. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Oh.” I smiled, I couldn’t help it. Because he said he preferred me. 

“I didn’t ask you about Jeff,” Stone said, then.

I swallowed, feeling suddenly edgy myself. He had a point. “Don’t.”

He didn’t say anything, but went back to playing with my hair. We lay there for a while, just breathing, being together. The light had faded outside and I would’ve fallen asleep like that if at some point he hadn’t kissed me again, which we did for a long time; just kissing, lying there.

It was after nine when we finally emerged and I found the wherewithal to order pizza from the weird little place down the street - Stone’s choice of toppings being predictably unpredictable, olives and spinach and pineapple. 

The delivery guy was a teenager with an undercut and rings on both hands, and when he saw Stone he was like, “I think I’ve seen your band.” 

Stone nodded, kind of played it off. 

“Mother Love Bone! I love that shit.” 

“Um, thanks.” 

“You had this cowboy hat! Love your vibe, man. You guys gonna play soon?” 

“Actually, we’re playing at the Vogue next week,” Stone said. 

“Heavy. Wear the hat!” 

“Uh, thanks.” 

I tried not to laugh, since the whole thing was so awkward, what with Stone wearing a t-shirt and boxers and looking pretty dishevelled during the whole exchange. I wondered if this would get me any points with the pizza place now they knew I was seeing Stone, maybe I could look forward to free garlic bread for the rest of time or something. 

We sat cross legged on the living room floor and I looked at his pizza dubiously.

“When we were in California we had this thing of trying to create the weirdest pizza that would actually taste good,”Stone said, between mouthfuls of his creation. “This was actually pretty vanilla, Andy had a thing for like, anchovies and grapes.”

“Grapes on pizza?”

“I guess it’s a Cali thing.”

“Sounds intense. I mean, I’m pretty vanilla though.”

Stone chuckled, that glint in his eye. “Good to know.”

“Ha, ha.” I picked some of the pepperoni off the top of my pizza and ate it. “What was it like, making a record?”

“Are you practising for Rolling Stone? Is this being recorded?”

I giggled. “I wanna know. I always wondered. like, I have zero musical ability at all, but it’s one of my favorite things in the world, so-“

“It was fun. I mean, it’s not the first record I’ve been on. But I guess it was the nicest… experience. Beach town, cool studio, all living together and eating tons of Mexican food and getting drunk every night. I guess it was kind of like a really edgy summer camp.”

“Wow, that’s how Alicia described rehab.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, well.” He ate some pizza, didn’t say anything else about that. Rehab was obviously still a sensitive topic, so I moved on. 

“It must be a cool thing though? Like, the song’s in your head, you have the idea, and then all of a sudden you can manifest it and hear it back on a record.”

Stone nodded. “Exactly, I mean, that’s what I love about it. Like, I can come up with something in my attic and then one day it could be on the radio, or people are singing it back to you. Kind of intense. That process is fun. And like, I’m really proud of the record. I’m excited for people to hear it.”

“March, right?”I asked.

“March 20th.”

“I’m gonna get it on vinyl.”

“Definitely.”

“I wanna hear it _now!_ ”

He smiled. “I have a guitar in my car, if you want a preview.”

“Um, _yes_.”

“I’m sorry we don’t have any lyrics about green penises this time, though.”

I cracked up and nearly choked on my pizza. “ _Wow_.”

“Blame Andy, I’m just the riff guy.”

“Can I steal some of your pineapple?”i asked.

“No fucking way.”

After we ate, Stone got dressed and went out to his car to get his acoustic guitar. I cleared away the boxes and attempted to water the cactus again, then put on his sweater and sat on the couch, pulling my legs up. It was always either too hot or freezing in the apartment.

When he came back in, he sat on the floor with the guitar, tuning it with a concentration that made me smile, his long fingers moving so easily over the frets. 

“OK, so what do you want to hear? I’m not too sure how they’ll sound acoustic, plus I’m not much of a singer.”

I thought back to that night when I saw them play at the OZ. “What was that song, the slower one? It had some piano at the start. I really loved that.”

“Crown of Thorns?” He played a few chords, that night immediately coming back to me, and I nodded. “Tear jerker,” he said. “Green penis might be better.”

“No, I like it,” I said.

“It’s not gonna be much. Andy’s pretty much the only person who can sing that song,” Stone said, but he started playing it anyway. After a little while he stopped. “It’s kind of an easy song to play. I can do something else. We have some riffs I’m pretty proud of, like um- this one.” He started playing something that sounded vaguely 70s, dreamlike. “That’s called Gentle Groove. I remember I wrote that when I couldn’t sleep one night. Just stayed up all night and wrote all the parts.” 

“I like it,” I said. “I think you have quite a distinct thing. Like, I’d know it was your stuff.”

Stone looked at me, his green eyes slightly narrowed. “Nah, I’m just… competent.”

“You’re also gonna be like the most modest rock star in America.”

“Probably.”

He finished what he was playing, then set the guitar down. “Me and Andy used to do acoustic sets sometimes. Like, even before Mother Love Bone. It made me realise how great he was. Just like, stripped down. Just me and him and the guitar.”

“That would’ve been cool to see. You guys have been friends a long time?”I asked, rolling up the sleeves of his sweater.

“I guess, about - wow, five years now, I’ve known him. We were both on the Sub Pop record. He’s always just been a funny guy, you know? Just really funny, and not.. well, he just doesn’t have any bullshit. He’s himself, which is kind of cool.” He smiled. I could tell how much he cared for Andy. “He kind of saved me, after the whole Green River thing, I don’t know.”

“Maybe you saved him a bit too,” I said.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Stone played idly with a couple of the guitar strings. “I mean, I could’ve done better for him, the last year or so. But we’re good now. The other night was good. He’s - I mean, he _really_ wants it to work. I know he’s totally focused now.” Then he laughed, kind of humorlessly. “He actually was the one who told me not to talk to Jeff about this.”

And, I did not know how I felt about that. “Seriously?”

Stone looked at me, I think he could tell he fucked up. “I mean - he didn’t like, _tell_ me not to- he just- I don’t know.”

“Didn’t he just get back from _rehab_?” I hardly ever do this, but I was not exactly impressed. Like I was the biggest problem those guys had right now?

“Yeah.” Stone said, staring at the guitar strings. Neither of us said anything for a moment. 

“It must suck, how complicated things have gotten,” I said, finally. Trying to just show some empathy, or something. This whole world - record labels, band dynamics, friends in rehab - it was so far from what I knew. 

“It’s gonna be fine,” Stone said, right away. “it’s just a weird time.”

“So if I come to your show are you gonna like, talk to me?”i asked.

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’ll talk to you.”

“But if I did this,” I got off the couch, went over to him and knelt in front of him, moved the guitar out of the way and kissed him, “that would be weird?”

“It would be.. weird,” he said, his fingers tangling in my hair.

“So I definitely shouldn’t do that,” I said, daring him to say no.

He looked at me, the green of his eyes so intense. And the way he answered then was just so fucking serious, all of a sudden. 

“You can’t do that. I can’t handle it right now, with Jeff.”

I stared back, kind of taken aback by his tone. The steel in him.

“I know. I was kidding.”

“OK.”

We didn’t move for a second, then he kissed me again, pulled me into his lap. 

We stayed up half the night, and it was amazing - but I remember lying awake the next morning, early, listening to him breathe and wondering if I really knew much about Stone at all.


	37. Chapter 37

* * *

**Alicia**

I woke up late on Christmas morning. There was noise and movement downstairs for once, my parents made an effort on Christmas because we always had people over. And that made me think, _fuck,_ because Stone was gonna be there.

I put some Def Leppard on my Walkman and lay in bed wearing my headphones. I tried not to think about the way he was last night when I left Chris’ party. _I am done with this. Go home._ I knew I'd been a bitch all night, to Sara, to him, even to Grace. Why? I didn’t even know anymore.

I probably needed to change, be better. Nicer. Braver. I needed to get out, start living. I was twenty one years old and I hadn’t chosen anything or anyone in my whole life. 

Sara was another pretty thing I wanted around. I liked how new she was. Sweet. She seemed so good. But when she lied to me about Jeff I was so angry with her. I guess I fucked Stone to hurt her because I knew she liked him. 

And maybe to hurt him too, a little bit. Because he was moving on, like everybody else. Because of that last night with him, two years ago; the things we said. Lying there, I wanted to stay there forever. But I didn’t even stay the next morning. Then that phone call after I'd ignored him for weeks, he was about to play with fucking Jane’s Addiction and he was still calling me, still hurting from it. 

_“I, um - fuck. I know things are weird with us right now. I just… I need you to tell me what you want. Tell me to move on, like - say, you don’t want me. I just… I need you to say it. Or - I don’t know. Just tell me if you do, or… not. Because what you said, that night, um - you said-“_

_“I didn’t say. I didn’t.” I cut him off._

_Static on the line._

_“OK. We can still… um, if you want to? I still want to.”he said. Static. “You still there?”_

The first side of the Leppard tape ran out and I could hear my mom’s voice outside my room, back in reality.

“Alicia, you need to be up and downstairs. I’ve been calling you for the past fifteen minutes. You better be down there in a half hour or I’m stopping your allowance again, I am serious as a goddamn heart attack, you hear me?” _Merry Christmas to you too._

I showered, I didn’t bother washing my hair. I found an old black dress in the back of my closet, I wore it to piss her off. I knew I should be trying to look really good or something, because of Stone, but… I didn’t have it in me. What was the point? Whatever we had, I killed it, he didn’t want me anymore. Even when he was fucking me I knew I’d lost him.

I waited a while, then I went downstairs. There was noise from the living room, Christmas music, the sound of glasses, my mom’s voice over everyone else’s. She got drunk quickly, Daddy hated that. I knew she’d be flirting with Stone’s dad any second now. I couldn't go in. I stood by the doorway, watching. Stone was on the other side of the room, he kept messing with his hair, nervous. Our eyes met. He looked away, straight away. That hurt.

“There she is,”my mom said, so artificially bright. “You look like you’re going to a funeral, honey. Why don’t you help me get some more drinks.” 

She came out, then she took my wrist and pulled me into the pantry. Her bony fingers bruised my skin. “I do not want any of your crap today,” she hissed. “Smile. Nod. You hear me? No one cares what you have to say. This is your daddy’s business so you just look pretty and smile. Or -” She stood back and looked me up and down, slow, like I wasn't much. “Maybe just smile. Can you do that?”

I stared at her. I knew why she hated me. I knew I’d taken her whole life away. And I’d given them like no return on their investment, at all.

“Yes,” I said. 

“Good.” She went out, I heard her snap back into her party mood in seconds. That godawful music echoing through the house. 

_Simply having a wonderful Christmastime, simply having a wonderful Christmastime._

##  **Stone**

She kept looking at me. I knew she wanted me to look at her, give her some kind of sign, but, no. There was nothing she could do. Nothing she could say. I’d decided. I think she thought I was always gonna be easy, always gonna be waiting for her to change her mind, grow up. I mean I'd been doing that forever. Giving her exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it. Then after two years of nothing, that thing a few weeks back. I didn’t think Sara knew about it - but how long was that gonna last?

I looked at the food, the art on the walls, the grooves in the wood of the antique table. Somewhere under here we scratched our names, years back. I didn’t look at her. 

“And you know they still haven’t caught that murderer up in Whatcom,” Alicia’s dad was saying. “Little place, 200 people or something like that. Probably a drifter, someone would’ve come forward by now.”

“That’s hardly a Christmas dinner topic,” her mom said, pushing food around her plate, never eating any. 

He ignored her. “I don’t think it’s the Green River Killer. Too far north.”

“ _Von.”_

“Wasn’t that the name of your band, Stone? Green River?” Her dad looked at me.

“Um, yeah. My old band.”

“A little tasteless, I always thought,” her mom said.

“That’s the ‘punk’ thing, isn’t it,” my dad cut in; always on my side. “Anarchy in the UK, and what have you.” _Oh Jesus, so fucking lame. Stop._

“It’s just terrible. All those poor girls disappearing,” my mom said. My sisters rolled their eyes, they knew what was coming next, like always. “Could have been Shelly or Star, just unthinkable.”

“They’ll get him on DNA. You can admit samples in court now, like over in Richmond with that South Side Strangler,” my dad said, sounding like he was talking about his fucking golf handicap. 

Alicia’s dad nodded. “No thanks. Lower body count in Corporate,” he said, raising up his glass.

“I’ll drink to that,” said my dad. 

_Jesus_. I felt kind of suffocated listening to them, like always. Everyone always said to me, I was so smart, why didn't I go into law like my dad? And I was like - it’s _because_ I’m smart.

“What was the name of your new band, Stone?” her mom said to me, staring hard across the table. “Something else a little silly, isn’t it?”

I stared back. “Mother Love Bone.”

“Well that’s certainly original,” said her dad, chuckling. “Good for you, son, wish I’d spent a little longer in the wilderness myself before getting chained to the desk and the old 401k.”

“They have their record out in March,” my mom said, proud.

“Well, you gave school a chance, I suppose. Not like this one,” said her mom, ignoring that, pointing at Alicia with her wine glass. “Maybe you should try the Peace Corps, honey. Or do you have some kind of talent we don’t know about?” She smiled. “Doesn’t have to be _musical._ ”

Then, I looked at Alicia. She was staring at her plate, no expression on her face at all. She looked like she hadn’t slept a lot. I wish I could say I couldn’t believe her mom would say something like that to her in front of everybody, but I totally could. She didn’t even react.

“You should go to Hollywood,” said my mom. “You’re as pretty as any of the girls I see in movies. Just like your grandma.”

“If only you could lose the attitude.” Alicia’s mom. She was really starting to piss me off.

“Well, maybe you should do an internship, Alicia.” My dad, totally missing the point. “We have a lot of openings in the spring. Looks good on an application.”

“I don’t think she got the SAT scores for college,”her dad said. Like she wasn’t even in the room. _“_ I gave up my hopes for a little Husky a while back.”

“That’s so wonderful about your record though, Stone,” said her mom. “Maybe I’ll get to hear it on NPR.”

All our parents laughed politely at that. It was so bullshit, because Alicia told me her mom fucked Pete Townsend back in the 60s. Not that I wanted to imagine it, at all.

“Um, excuse me,” Alicia said, getting up. “I don’t, um- I don’t feel well, excuse me a second.” 

She went out of the room. I saw Shelly whisper something to Star and they both giggled, my mom shushing them. Alicia’s mom just kept pushing the same food around her plate, cutting it up into smaller and smaller pieces. There was an awkward silence then our dads started talking about some ski trip they’d taken a while back. 

I sat there, not knowing what to do. 

_I was angry with her. I was done, I’d moved on. She was manipulative, fucked up, cold. I was done. I was angry with her. She was fucked up. I’d moved on._

“Stone,” my mom said quietly. I looked at her, and she made the tiniest gesture toward the door. 

I opened my mouth - but I had nothing. I just nodded, pushed my chair back. Went out. Knowing everyone was looking.

The hallway was empty. I went and opened the door to the living room. Alicia was standing in front of the French doors, looking out. Not moving. 

I closed the door behind me and stood there watching her for a while. She didn’t turn around. Just said- 

“I’m fine.”

“OK.”

She looked so tiny. Smaller than I ever remembered her.

“OK, well, I’m gonna -“ But I didn’t finish what I was saying, I didn’t leave. 

I was going to her. I was touching her arm. 

“Hey, come on.”

She just looked at me. She was crying.

“They’re wrong about you, OK?” I said. I was putting my arms around her. “Fuck them, I swear to God, they’re wrong about you.” 

Her body was shaking with tears. She was so light, so small. I turned her face up to me. She was still beautiful. And it was still there. I still felt it. _God damn it._

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” she said quietly. 

“I know. It’s OK,” I said. “It’s OK.”

Then she leaned in to me. Or, I did, maybe we both did. We kissed. What that did to me, still.

I forgot about everything. She was so familiar. And it wasn’t like that night at the Showbox. I felt her body give against me, her hand touch my face. Like she was finally _there_.

Then, I thought of Sara and I pulled away. She tried to kiss me again, and I stopped her.

“Leesh - no.”

“Why?” She looked at me, her eyes huge, tears. “You don’t want me?”

“I can’t.”

“You loved me,” she said.

“Yeah. I did.” 

And it was true. I _did_. It had been so fucking real. I would’ve given her everything, then. It was never a lie.

“But you don’t any more.” 

I hated it, hated hurting her. I didn't even know, maybe I always would love her, some kind of way, but - we were done. We’d been done for a long time. And it was OK. Like - the world didn’t end. It was OK.

“I did,” I said, holding her. “I did.”

I kissed her hair, she buried her face in my shoulder. I remembered how much I’d loved her. I remembered watching her dancing at Monastery and thinking - _that’s her._ I remembered dreaming about her the whole way across America on that stupid tour. I remembered all those moments that were over too soon - in bathrooms and other peoples’ bedrooms and parking lots. I remembered the one time we stayed up all night in my bed, both of us giving in to it, the feelings, how it was to fall asleep with her in my arms - then laying there alone the next day, her all over me but gone. I remembered calling her from a pay phone in LA with my last quarters, how the sound of her voice or even a _maybe_ from her felt like life support right then. That was all real. It was real. 

All those times I’d asked her to say yes. And now I had to say no. Not _maybe_.

She cried. We stayed there for a long time. 

After I let her go, she said - “I’m really sorry. For... all my shit. I’m sorry.”

I went back in. No one said anything else about it. 

After dinner I made some excuse and left, walked all the way home. 

I went up to the attic and played for hours. The next day, I called Sara. I wanted to take her somewhere, show her something. See her smile. That was all I wanted, really.

Then the day after the light house, I didn’t want to leave her. I knew I wouldn’t get to see her again until the show at the Vogue, because I was going to the cabin with my family. But we had practise. I’d pushed for it, I had to be there. Jeff found some space in the basement of a gallery, Soundgarden sometimes used it. 

When I kissed Sara goodbye I asked her if she was gonna come to the show and she just smiled, said she’d try.

By the time I found a space to park in that part of town I was late, but when I got there, down a sketchy little alleyway, with a broken intercom and graffiti on the door, no one was there yet except Andy. He was looking around the space. There was some kind of hippy tapestry covering a hole in the plaster, cut-out pictures of Hendrix and basketball players, writing on the walls. Just random shit everywhere. An old drum kit, amps and cables people had left there. One of the bass amps said H Y, I guess it belonged to Hiro. Someone said the other night he was leaving Soundgarden. which was crazy to me, because they just got on A&M. I didn’t get it, at all. What else was he gonna do?

“O captain my captain!” Andy said, big smile. I rolled my eyes, I hated that movie.

“Hey,” I said, putting my guitar down. He was wearing sunglasses inside, which seemed weird, or maybe I was just used to looking for those kinds of signs with him.

He looked at me, did a double take. “Oh, fun night?”

I raised my eyebrows, not getting it, and he cracked up. “You have a little… something.” He touched his neck.

“Oh, shit, really?”

“Yeah.” He picked up a pen from one of the dusty shelves and started writing on the wall. “You guys good?” I knew he felt bad about what he’d asked me to do. I just nodded.

I went to find the bathroom and looked in the smeared mirror. A tiny bite just above the neck of my t-shirt. I pulled my hair to one side and figured I would just have to play it off. It was kind of hot. The whole of last night kind of blurred into one for me, we didn’t sleep a lot. It was hard not to just replay it all.

When I went back, I saw Andy’s big crazy writing on the wall by the guitar amp: _seems I been living in the temple of the dog ._ It was from one of the songs off the new record. One of those weird Andy lyrics that didn’t mean anything or go anywhere. He was sitting on the floor now, getting my guitar out of his case. 

“Everyone’s really late, you know what’s going on?”I said. 

He shook his head, played through the strings and tuned a couple down. He’d taken the glasses off, his eyes were kind of puffy and red like he wasn’t sleeping well. 

“Nope. Hey, you wanna hear my new thing?” 

“You wrote it on guitar?”

“Yeah, I spilled Kool Aid on my fucking keyboard,” he said, shaking his head. 

“Oh. What flavor, though?”

“Purplesaurus Rex.”

“What?!”

“It’s like, um - grape lemonade.” He cracked up. “My whole new vice. Just keep it away from me, fuck.” 

“OK Jonestown, is this gonna be like, another intervention situation, or-”

We were both laughing. We could laugh about it now, that was good. Purplesaurus Rex. It made me think of the first time I played with him. Before Green River even broke up. Two years ago, but seemed longer.

Andy came up to me at Gorilla Gardens after our bands played a show. No build-up, just like - “I wanna do like a T Rex thing. I’ll be Marc Bolan, you be Mickey Finn.” 

I didn’t get it. “He’s the drummer.”

“You wanna do it or not? They can give us a half hour at Re-bar every other Wednesday.”

I said yes. He could get you to say yes to anything. He came over to my attic the next day and we pieced together some half assed T Rex and Zeppelin covers, some random 70s stuff he liked. He kept his sleeves pulled down way over his hands, he seemed a little out of it like he was coming down or something; but he sounded pretty good.

We played at Re-bar, this tiny, dark place with blacked out windows and dirty glasses, sticky floors. We took the stage right after a poetry slam that could make you clench with embarrassment or want to fucking cry, depending on the night. That first time I was nervous because I never played acoustic live before, so I got drunk with Cornell and a couple of other guys who made it out, but Andy wouldn’t. He was just pumped to be doing it. He wasn’t wearing any makeup like he did with Malfunkshun. Before we went on he was doing vocal exercises in the tiny bathroom with the door locked. I'd never seen anybody do that before a show, it was so far from Mark’s whole thing.

When we came out on the tiny stage and sat down on these wobbly chairs, Andy stared out at the weird little crowd and said, “I’m Marc, this is Mickey, and we’re Tyrannosaurus Rex.” 

People laughed, like- _who is this guy._ The handful of our friends who showed were like “yeah!!!”, I could see Cornell a head above everyone else like usual, towards the back. And Grace and Alicia, standing off by the bar - I didn’t expect them to show. I didn’t want to see her; sometimes right around then I thought I never wanted to see her again.

We started off with this scrappy version of a 10CC song Andy liked, the kinda thing I’d never listen to. I fucked up the beginning and we had a false start, and if they heckled, he gave it right back, kept on going. 

But his voice, and the words, it like - went right through me. Gave me chills.

_I’m not in love, so don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase I’m going through._ I didn’t look out at the audience because I knew she was there, and it was too fucking close to home right now. For all I know that was why he fucking picked it. _So if I call you don't make a fuss, don’t tell your friends about the two of us._

Then I realised: people had started listening to us. Like, _listening._

That was the first time I really got how great of a singer he was, and I was like- woah. 

By the time we got to our last song, _Tangerine,_ people were right up by the stage. When we finished, they were clapping, calling out requests and stuff. 

Andy grinned and said, “Same time next week, y’all?”

Two years ago, wow. That was the start.

“Remember when we used to do Re-bar?” I said, watching him play a few chords. He wasn’t really a guitar player, but he just did what he wanted. 

“Tough crowd.” Andy started playing something, then stopped, frowned, started again. His hands were shaking a little bit. “Damn it. I need to start writing things down.”

“You wanna sing it to me, I can -“ I held my hand out for the guitar, but then Greg and Bruce were coming down the narrow stairs. 

“Sorry, traffic,” Greg said. “Wow. The fuck is this, like a serial killer’s lair?”

“It smells like something died down here,”Bruce said, looking around. “How old is that kit?”

“Think it’s almost as old as you, dude,” Andy said. Bruce flipped him off. 

Greg got behind it and started playing the kick drum. It was fine. “Where’s Ament?”

No one knew. We fucked around for a little bit then I said I’d go find a phone and call him. Upstairs was like a sculpture gallery, it smelled of paint and wood chips. This bearded guy was sanding something at a table in back. 

“Hey, um- can I - could I use your phone?” I asked. “Just for a second.”

“Sure, it’s in the store room.” He motioned behind him. “You guys good?”

“I mean - yeah. I think we are. We have a record coming out in March, on PolyGram,” I said, kind of awkward. 

He stared at me, then grinned, showing crooked teeth. 

“Uh, I meant, are you good _down there_ , but - that’s great. Congrats.”

“Oh. Um. Right.” I couldnt help it, I laughed. _Check your fucking ego_. I went through and picked up the phone, dialled Jeff. He picked up after a few rings.

“Hello?”

“Where are you, dude?”I said.

“Uh, at home. Obviously.” He sounded kind of weird.

“You forget we have practise?”

Pause. “Um - no, I didnt forget. Just, uh.. I’m not feeling so good, man.”

I felt that flash of irritation. “And you didn’t wanna tell me that? Wait, are you not coming?”

Pause again. 

“Gimme a break, Stone. I spent Christmas Day eating ramen with a power outage. Then my dad calls me drunk and tells me in detail all the reasons why I suck as a human being, so -“ He sounded shitty. “Plus, the fact the one girl I’ve liked in literally years, just decided she wasn’t into it, like- what the fuck, but OK. Plus everybody knows about it.” He sighed. “I just, uh - I just kinda woke up and I couldnt really get started today. Sorry.”

“Oh.” 

Yeah, I was pissed - but everything about what he just said, it sucked. He was a good guy. He was. 

“I can probably make it there in an hour or something, or-“ he started.

“I mean - I can tell them you’re sick,” I said. “I don’t care. I know you’ll pull it off next week.” 

He didn’t say anything.

“It’s cool,” I said. “I get it. It’s cool. And um. I’m sorry. You’re feeling like that.” 

“Thanks, dude. That would be, um - God, I’m sorry, but that would be good.”

“Yeah. Don’t worry. Hey, did you check your mailbox today?”

“No, I haven’t been downstairs in like two days.”

“Oh. Well, it’s just - something I dropped over yesterday. It’s just that tape, um, the Ramones b-sides thing I had? I made you a copy. Sorry it took so long.” 

I felt kind of dumb saying it, I kind of wanted him to just find it and never mention it again. Maybe I did it because I felt bad about Sara, but maybe I also did it because he was my friend. He was probably one of the best friends I had. Weird. 

“Oh, um - thanks, man,” he said. “That’s really cool.”

“So I guess I’ll see you at the show.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you at the show. Sorry.”

“Hope you feel better.”

I hung up, went back down, told them he wasn’t coming. Greg was pissed.

“He still dickless about that girl? What’s the fuckin’ deal, man, she really all that?” 

I could see him looking at the bite on my neck. I ignored him, said we were gonna play through the whole record, from the top. I told him to count us in for Shangri-la, and when he said it was gonna be tough without Jeff, I was like-

“Just deal with it. You know how to count, right?” 

We sounded great, if Andy was a little shaky at times. I was excited to play again.

When we were heading out after to get food, Andy noticed a Screaming Trees poster that had been slapped over one of ours on a news stand and he ripped it right off and screwed it up. 

“We are _back_ , motherfucker!” he said to the poor old guy running the stand. “Any big long haired dudes come around here with their little poster again, you can tell ‘em Landrew is back in town and they better keep their shit the other side of Broadway.”

The old man peered at Andy through his broken glasses, not biting. “You kids all look the damn same. _Womanly._ ”

We all cracked up. I mean - yeah.

“Thanks, grandpa. Hey, here’s another one.” Andy took a poster out of his backpack and shoved it at him. “Actually, have two.”

“Come on,” I said, and started walking. Andy made a peace sign at the old guy and caught up with me, Greg and Bruce trailing behind. 

When we all went into the Crocodile, people turned around. They knew who we were. They were excited about us. It felt so good.


	38. Chapter 38

**SARA**

Before Stone left, he said again, “So - will you come to the show?”

And I thought about how weird he was about it last night. _I can’t deal with that right now, with Jeff._ I knew the band was important to him - hell, it was the most important thing in his life, that was obvious - but I couldn’t forget about that.

And even though he was so pretty, and last night was amazing, and even though I didn’t want him to go - it just made me feel tired. I didn’t want to lie to Jeff, or play games. I just wanted simple, for once.

So I smiled, and just said - “I’ll try. I will.”

He looked at me for a second, like he was trying to figure something out. Then he kissed me again, and went. I sat at the kitchen table, playing with Lil’s wilting cactus. Felt like I was waiting for something, like always.

Eventually I called Meg to see if she wanted to meet up. She had a break between shifts at her work, so we met in Pike Place and got hot apple cider, walked on the waterfront. There was a breeze coming off the Sound that made me wish I hadn’t gone for the stylish but totally fucking impractical fingerless gloves. Meg seemed kind of preoccupied, staring off into space a lot, giving vague answers.

“So what’s up?” I said finally, as we watched a flock of seagulls pull apart a discarded hot dog bun on the boardwalk. 

“What d’you mean?”

“You’re just... really quiet.”

She nodded, thoughtful. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m tired, I’ve been working so much lately.”

“That sucks.”

“Plus, I hooked up with Chris the other night. Well - kind of.”

I stared at her. She blew hair out of her face, nodded. “Yeah,” she said.

“Um, wow,” I said. “I mean, I got your message the other day, but I didn’t think-“

“It was crazy,” she said, shaking her head. “I mean, you know I’ve been into the guy for years, like, I’ve _dreamed_ about this happening, for years. We kissed, in the garage, and then he’s like - _so are we gonna fuck_? And I’m like - _uh, let’s take these beers into the kitchen, huh?_!” 

She covered her face with her hands, made a frustrated noise. “Like, what the fuck?”

I couldn’t help laughing. “ _That’s_ what happened?!”

“Almost word for word. Man, I am so dumb.”

I drank some more of my cider, the sweetness coating my mouth. “So why didn’t you?”

She turned and leaned on the railing, watched the waves crashing against the pier under us. The distant foghorn of a ferry punctuated the long silence. 

“He’s with someone else. I mean - they’re broken up right now, but… I didn’t think it would be right. Or, something.”

“Well, that makes sense,” I said, looked at her sideways. “Was it hot though?”

_“So_ hot. I mean, you’ve seen the guy.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I’d have had your restraint, honestly,” I said. She giggled and nudged me.

“So what about you? How’s the hot secret affair going? I’ll say it again, Stone must have a…”

I cut her off. “It’s going fine. We went out to Discovery Park yesterday, just talked, ate pizza, it was nice. Normal.”

“I’ve known that guy for a long time and the last word I’d use to describe him is _normal,_ ” Meg said.

I ignored that. “Anyway. It’s fine. You going to their show on Saturday?”

She bit her lip. “I don’t know. I’m kind of over things here. It’s just the same old stuff. Same guys, different bands. Though there’s a Gits show I was thinking of checking out that night - you know Mia from the party? It’s her band. They’re supposed to be awesome. God, it’d just be nice to see a fucking girl on stage for once instead of all these little guys jerking each other off.”

“Oh, cool,” I said, thinking it actually did sound interesting. 

“You should come. Make Stone work for it a little more,” she said, glancing at me with a wink.

I shrugged, wanting to change the subject. 

She must have sensed it, because then she said- 

“I’m thinking of leaving, y’know.”

I stared at her. “Leaving… Seattle?”

She nodded. “Going down to LA. I can stay with Jack til I get set up, and I know I can get a job. I just really need a change. I was supposed to leave a long time ago.”

“Supposed to?”

“I mean - that was always the plan. When I was a kid. I just wanted to leave so bad. I don’t know what happened, I guess I just got a little caught up in the scene and stuff… but whenever I leave I’m like, why am I still here?”

“I mean, that’s kind of why I left Ohio. I get it.”

“It’s weird, because it’s like- Seattle is finally getting, I guess, _discovered_ , and I’m gonna leave,” Meg said, shaking her head. “Like, earlier this year Sub Pop flew a guy in from the UK to write about the “scene”” - she made air quotes - “and then the bands started going to Europe, and now all the labels are in town looking for ‘the next Guns n Roses’, ‘the next Sonic Youth’, whatever. It’s _insane_. When we were kids, this place was _so_ dead. No bands came here. It was kind of a joke. I remember Mark Arm selling his own tickets at the door at the Metropolis, getting pissed off because he didn't know how to refill the fucking ink in the stamper. All these bands playing at house parties pretending to be something.” She smiled. “Now everyone’s coming here, and I still wanna go.”

“You can’t leave,” I said, kind of joking, kind of not. “You're one of the normal ones.”

She laughed. “That is too fucking true.”

We wandered all the way up to the Edgewater Hotel, watched the big fancy cars in the turning circle. 

“I always wanted to stay here,” she said. “Someday. If I ever make it big.”

“You’re gonna be like, a celebrity chef. I’m gonna see you in a guest spot on the Home Shopping Network where you show Bob Circosta how to cook the perfect lobster bisque in less than five easy steps,” I said.

“Yeah, you’re gonna see me with my hot rockstar husband at the Grammys giving the side-eye to Stone and Jeff when they lose out to Cyndi Lauper for Best Concept Music Video,” Meg said, grinning.

“Or maybe, Chris’ll be your hot rockstar husband.”

“Don’t even joke about that.” She laughed, though. 

“You’re not going to LA anytime soon though, right?”

She didn't say anything for a minute. 

I looked at her. She was playing with this St Christopher medal she always wore around her neck. Once I asked her about it and she said her dad gave it to her; and his dad had given it to him, and it was even older than that, it had come over on the crossing from Ireland, lifetimes ago. She said she didn’t wear it for protection, she wore it to remind her that she was a traveler: to keep going, not to settle. And I knew, looking at her now, she wasn’t gonna stick around. 

“I’m thinking the end of this month,” she said. “I just got my car fixed, so - “

“Oh. Wow.”

“You’re gonna have to come visit.”

“Definitely.”

We walked back, slowly, past the ferry terminal and the Ye Olde Curiosity Shop, with its Native American totem poles out front. I remembered going there with Logan when we first moved to Seattle, how freaked out I was at the mummies in the display cabinet and how he held me there, made me look, saying- _“I’ll protect you.”_

I’d believed him, I’d wanted to. I didn’t believe I could protect myself. 

But I had, hadn’t I? And it was possible too, to change your life, be who you wanted to be. The girl standing next to me was proof of that. So was I, maybe.

“What?” Meg said, seeing me smiling to myself. “Thinking about Stone?”

“No, actually,” I said. “I was thinking about you.”

When I got home and checked my messages there was only one.

_“Hi, Sara, this is Jon from Sub Pop. Hope you had a great Christmas. We liked your writeup a lot, and we want to offer you the job, if you’re still interested. I’ll warn you, that was probably the most fun assignment I’ll ever give you, but the money’s OK and I think it would be a good opportunity. Call me back on this number tomorrow, we can discuss.”_

I had to sit down. That feeling was just too good. I called Grace and we both squealed at each other down the phone until she said she had Charles over and she didn't want to freak him out too much, so she should probably go. I ate the leftover pizza and painted all my nails bright pink, something I hadn’t done in months. 

And then, just as I was sitting down to write in my notebook, Stone called me.

“Hello?”I said, putting the lid back on my pen.

“Hey.”

“Hey!” I said, surprised. “I thought you were going out of town tonight?”

“Yeah, we just got to the cabin.” I could hear voices in the background. “I just wanted to call you.”

I smiled. “Oh yeah? Why?”

“Uh, I guess I was thinking about you, or- something.”

“You really need to play it more cool, Stone,” I said. But I liked it.

He laughed. “Probably. So how are you?”

“Since this morning, I’m doing pretty good.”

“Yeah, but did you see a fucking mountain lion?”

“Uh… no.”

“Oh, OK. I mean, me neither. I thought I did. It was actually just like a really big cat.”

I laughed incredulously. “Right. So how was the practise earlier?”

"It was good.” He sighed. ”Jeff didn’t show.”

I felt a pang of anxiety. “Really? How come?”

“No, um - he just wasn’t feeling too good. It wasn’t about - um. But, we were good. Like, maybe we don’t even need him.”

I smiled. “Yeah, you do.”

“Hmm.” There was a little pause. “So what’re you doing?”

“Not a lot. I was just about to write a little. Oh, I got the Sub Pop job!” I said, the excitement returning. “They said they really liked my Nirvana piece.”

“Oh, cool. That’s - that’s great. Sub Pop, huh.” He kind of laughed. I wondered if I was imagining it or if there was a little edge there.

“Yeah, I’m really happy,” I said. _“What?_ ”

“Nothing, it’s great.”

“Yeah. It is.” I felt slightly annoyed all of a sudden. I didn't see why he had to be weird about it. Whatever the history was with Sub Pop.

“That’s what you want to do? Press releases and stuff?”he asked.

I frowned. “I mean - sure. I need to start somewhere. And I kind of need a job.”

“Well, that’s a total hype machine over there, so I’m guessing you’ll learn a lot.”

I didn't say anything.

“You there?”he asked, sounding far away.

“Yeah,” I said, doodling mindlessly, trying to banish the irritation. 

“There’s a lot of snow here,” he said. “Kinda made me think about you, I don’t know.”

Then I smiled. I remembered the last time he was there, before anything had happened, how much it made my heart flip to talk to him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Kind of wish you were here with me.”

“What about the yeti?” I said, smiling.

“I’ll protect you.”

“Oh, OK.”

“It’s real quiet. Just nothing but like, trees and snow. Too cold to go outside, so you can just stay in, read. Play games. Or, y’know. Make sweet love,” he said. 

“Well, that sounds nice. God, imagine if you could just exist like that for a while. No job, no feeling like you were always missing out on something. Time to think, just be. Like, if the whole world just shut down. That would be good, I sometimes think.”

He chuckled. “Hmm. Maybe. I kind of feel like I’d get restless. I’d be like, trying to write stuff, record stuff, I’d be calling people up saying - hey let’s do this after everything opens back up! Let’s start a new band! I’m not too good at staying still.”

“Nah, I’d just lay around and watch informercials. I feel like only _you_ would start a new band if you were stuck in the house, Stone,” I said, giggling.

“I mean I left my guitar at home and I’m already kind of jonesing, so-“ he said, and I smiled, shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me. “So, are you coming Saturday?”

“I, um - yeah, maybe. Meg said there was another show - the Gits? She asked me if I wanted to check it out,” I said, slightly awkwardly. Remembering what she said - _make him work for it a little more._

“Oh, really?”

I swallowed. “I just thought, y’know, with Jeff, it might be-“

“Oh. OK.”

“I mean, just til he cools off. He seemed kind of down the other night.”

“Right.” Stone sounded kind of bummed out. 

I carried on- “I mean, I didn’t say I would definitely go with her.”

“Yeah. Um, it’s cool though. I get it. The Gits are supposed to be pretty good. I mean it’s a different kinda thing to us.”

I suddenly really just wanted to see him, to kiss him. I didn’t want him to be down at all, he had enough to worry about right now. And I knew I was gonna go to the Mother Love Bone show on Saturday. 

“I wish you were here,” I said.

“Yeah?” I thought I could hear a smile in his voice.

“Yeah.”

“I wish I was too.”

“You kind of killed me though, last night, so it’d be strictly, like, cuddling,” he said. “Just telling you that now, so you don’t mistake me for some kind of, y’know. Love god.”

I giggled. “Don’t worry about that. Besides, I’m pretty wrecked too.”

I thought about last night. The way it was, with the morning light creeping into the room after we stayed up all night, never getting enough of each other. His soft lips on my skin, our fingers tightly linked together on the pillow next to me, the slow friction of it building, my nails digging into his palm - then lying there after, both of us exhausted and quiet, so close we could feel each other’s heartbeats, the way he played with my hair when I lay against his chest. I liked him like that, none of the front. Not looking for a joke, or talking to fill an awkward silence. Different. 

We stayed on the phone for a while, just talking about nothing. By the time we finished talking it was late and I didn't want to write any more. I just went and lay in bed, thinking about him. And thinking - _this part is great, but it’s also really exhausting. The really starting to care for someone._

The next day, Jon at Sub Pop offered me five days a week, better money than the Dollar Bin, a discount at the record store. I took it, obviously. Then, I thought I better bone up on the Sub Pop bands, so I called the one person I could think of who would have every band’s record as well as any key scene gossip I needed to be aware of: Alicia.

The phone rang and rang. Then-

“Hello?”

It wasn’t her.

“Um, hi. Is this- Alicia’s phone? I think I might have the wrong number-“

An irritated sigh. “No, this is the right number. She’s gone out of town. Sorry.”

I frowned. “Oh- really?”

“Yes. And she didn’t leave a number or address, so - unless you’re calling to give me one, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Oh, no, I don’t- I didn’t know. Wow. OK. Well, thank you. Sorry,” I babbled, and the woman - her mom? - hung up. 

I stared at the phone. It was pretty much the weirdest thing ever. I didnt know who to call. I had about enough in my checking account to cover rent and some very boring food for the next few weeks, so I couldn't go out and buy a ton of records. 

I thought about who else might be able to tell me all about Seattle, all about Sub Pop. And the first person I thought of was Jeff. And I was this close to calling him - but then I stopped myself, because that wouldn’t be cool at all. 

So in the absence of something else productive, I decided to clean the bathroom. It was about to be 1990, and I was turning over a new leaf. New year, new Sara, new bathroom. Or something like that.

Later that week I met Grace outside the Mother Love Bone show at the Vogue, both of us shivering in outfits that were totally impractical for early January. The line was around the block and although she bitched that I should’ve been able to get Mother Love Bone to sneak us in a side door, I reminded her that it might be a little weird with the Jeff situation. 

So we waited in the freezing cold, surrounded by a ton of other kids our age in ripped jeans and band t-shirts and teased hair. Everyone was talking about Andy. I tried not to hear it, but it was kind of impossible. 

“And so he’s like, clean now?” “Yeah, he’s good now, totally clean.” “No, I know someone who saw him go score the other night.” “They’d be totally fucked without him.” “They should get a new singer.” 

Stuff like that. I wondered how Andy was feeling about it - coming back like this, center stage in front of Seattle. Trying to prove he was better. It seemed so soon after rehab to be doing this. But I knew Stone and the others had heard enough of that. I wasn’t gonna be the one to keep hammering it home. 

“I mean, I have no idea where the hell she is, and honestly I’m worried.” Grace was talking about Alicia. It was pretty much all she could talk about since we’d met a half hour earlier. “She never does this. And like, I’m not surprised if she took off without telling her mom - but me? I just…” She tailed off, her eyes so wide. “It’s weird, right?”

“It is,” I agreed. “I mean, she seemed kind of off at Chris’ party, but I thought she just hated Christmas.”

“I should’ve called her,” Grace said, frowning. “I should’ve made sure she was OK, after she left.”

I glanced at her, her pretty face all scrunched up in worry. “I mean, she was kind of a dick to you too. You shouldn’t feel bad.”

Grace raised her eyebrows. “She has a lot of… issues, Sara. No offence, but you don’t know her like I do. I’m worried.”

Just then, they started letting more people in, and we paid our five dollars and got our hands stamped by the wizened biker looking guy on the door. I was kind of excited. I hadn’t seen them play since that show a couple of months back, but mostly, I wanted to see Stone so much. We’d talked on the phone every night, it was good to hear that he and Jeff seemed in a little better place since Christmas, though I’d also learned more about snowboarding and Choose Your Own Adventure books than I ever thought I needed to know. 

We stashed our coats in a corner and then drank watery draft beer, fast, trying to take the edge off the cloying, smoke-and-bodies smell of the club. It was a sold out show, it seemed like everyone was here, I half-recognised so many people from parties and stuff. We spotted Chris by the bar, and next to him, Susan. I guess Meg had been right after all. 

There was heavy metal music blaring out of the PA, people yelling over each other, then they turned the stage lights on and I saw Stone and Jeff talking by their amps, untangling cables. They both looked amazing, Stone with half his hair pulled back and silver jewellery all over his wrists and hands, some crazy waistcoat over his tshirt, Jeff in a bandana and a shirt that kept slipping down over his shoulder, his blue eyes so intense even from a distance. People were starting to yell stuff like, “Mother Love Bone!” And singing snippets of their songs. The guy out front who just kept singing the same line of “Holy Roller’, I could see Stone and Jeff cracking up on stage.

I tried not to look at them, but it was kind of hard. Grace noticed and smiled. “You want to go to the front?” 

“Oh, um- no. I’m good. The slam dancers scare me a little,”i said, kind of weakly. Then suddenly, Xana was at our side.

“You guys! What’re you doing down here? You wanna come up and watch with me and Dem?” 

She was so pretty. About a head taller than me, like a younger, cooler Cher. The kind of girl that intimidated me so hard. But you had to love her. Her smile was like lightning.

“Oh, um-“

“C’mon, it’s way better at the side.” 

She took both our hands and went over to the stage, climbed right up onto it and then pulled us up. All the girls in the pit staring at us, which was kind of mortifying and thrilling at the same time. I glanced over at Stone’s side of the stage but he'd disappeared somewhere, so had Jeff, which was kind of a relief. Demri was there at the side, sucking on a lime quarter. I remember her smile, so infectious. 

“Oh, hey!!” 

We hung out, talking over the noise for a while, I saw Stone messing with one of the pedals over the other side of the stage, then he looked over and saw me. And how my heart kind of flipped over when he smiled. 

Xana and Demri both noticed and immediately Demri was like - “So Sara, are you fucking Stone?” 

Which made me blush so hard that you could probably see it under the lights, and she squealed out loud, started giving me the third degree. Grace didn't say anything, I knew she didn’t really think much of it. I tried to play it off, really not wanting to get into it. Xana said something to Demri quietly, her big wide brown eyes staring at me as she listened, nodding. I guess secrets really were tough to keep around here.

As the yells got louder in the crowd the MC pushed past us, a girl with a mohawk and skinny tattooed wrists sticking out of her flannel shirt, and picked up the mic off the stand on. stage. Then I realised that Jeff was right there, behind us. He gave a quick smile, nodded at me. 

“Well hi, thanks y’all for coming out tonight!” The crowd was so hyped already and she grinned, nodding. “As you know we’ve got the one and only Mother Love Bone up for you first, and this is their first show of the year, so make some fucking _noise_ for these boys!”

Jeff and Bruce went out on stage our side, and then Andy emerged from Stone’s, his blonde mane so wild, wearing super-tight pants and a sleeveless Dallas Cowboys shirt, his face cracked into that huge smile. It was like he came alive on stage in a way he didn’t in real life; as if the kind of tired, quiet guy who’d made his entrance back into the party on Christmas Eve was a whole other person entirely. He held his arms out wide, like he wanted to embrace the whole crowd. Under the lights he was beautiful. Like you couldn’t see anyone else. 

He took the mic off the MC and said, in that kind of drawl - “Well it’s good to be home, y’all.”

From that second on, he had everybody. They went straight into “Stardog Champion” and as Andy strutted around flipping his hair, and Jeff jumped around the stage, I watched Stone, who was more still, seeming totally caught up in what he was playing. He warmed up after a little while, cracking up whenever Andy did something crazy, like throwing a cup of water out into the audience, leaning into the crowd to let them sing into his mic, taking a hat out of someones hands, posing with it then smoothly handing it back, never missing a note. I noticed how people reached out for him, tried to touch his body or his hands, and the way he leaned into it, like he needed it too. 

They were tight. Maybe they were even better than I remembered. But even in the moments they weren’t, they were amazing. Anyone who was there could see it. And I remember thinking - _this is it. They’re gonna release their record, go on tour, and then they’re gonna explode. They’re gonna be huge. They’re gonna be the ones that make it._

After they were done - two encores later, which seemed to freak out the MC a little, I guess this was the Vogue not Madison Square Garden - Andy went straight to Xana and picked her up even though she was taller than him, kissed her, hard. Then Jeff was there again, taking off his bass.

“Hey, so - did we suck?”

I smiled, because they so far from sucked. And he was smiling too, because he knew it.

“That was…” I shook my head. “Well, I’d say you’re officially back.”

“Awesome,”Grace added. “So fucking good.”

Next to us, Andy put Xana down and slapped Jeff on the shoulder. “Hear that? It’s official now.”

“Thanks,”he said. “Glad you came.” 

He wasn’t looking at me anymore. I glanced over at Stone who was rolling up guitar cables on stage and saw him staring at me and Jeff. He tossed them to one side and came over, running a hand through his hair. 

“Good to see you,” he said, a smile playing at his lips. I tried very hard to think about G-rated stuff, not the other night. _God._

“Come on, Jer’s gonna kill me if we cut their time in half.” Andy pulled Xana through backstage and Jeff followed him, Grace looked at me and Stone. 

“I might split, actually,” she said. “I’m working on a project right now, and I’m sleep deprived enough, so..”

“Oh, you don’t have to…” I tailed off when she gave me a look for a micro-second. “OK. I’ll call you.”

“Sure. Great job, Stone.” She stared at him a second. “Hey, um - you don’t know where Alicia is, do you?”

He frowned, slightly. “What d’you mean?”

“She’s gone. Out of town. I don’t know.”

“What d’you mean - gone?”

She shook her head, biting her lip. “It’s OK, I just wondered. Don’t worry about it, she’s probably fine.”

“Oh, OK-“ he started, but she was already going. He looked at me. “That’s, um - weird.”

I nodded, I didn’t really want to talk about her right now. 

“That was amazing,” I said, wanting to touch him so much. The tension between us was something else. “Like- really.”

He smiled. “Thanks, I mean, I’m glad we didn’t get worse.”

“Get the hell outta here, Gossard, and take your fucking pedal with you!” 

It was Jerry, his eyes kind of hazy, looking mussed up, missing a shirt, his guitar slung around his shoulders. Stone went to go get his stuff off the stage and I waited. There was a weird moment of awkwardness between me and Jerry, then he went out and plugged into one of the amps. The crowd were so hyped up after Mother Love Bone, they were yelling, throwing stuff. It was electric out there, you could almost feel it. Layne was the last one on stage, Stone ducked off just as he came shambling past, his tall skinny frame kind of unsteady. 

Then it was just us at the side, except for a couple of random girls I didn't recognise, their eyes glued to Alice in Chains as the distortion exploded into something like a melody. 

“I really wanna kiss you,” Stone said in my ear, his messy hair brushing against my face. I knew we couldn’t just leave, it would be way too obvious. 

I smiled. “Just keep telling yourself, the secrecy makes it hotter.” 

He laughed, and his hand brushed against mine. Somehow I knew that if I went backstage with Stone, Jeff would know what was up straight away. 

“I should go,” I said. 

Stone looked at me, not getting it. “You want to go?”

_“I_ should. You go hang out, you should be with your band right now.”

“Um - well. OK.” He fidgeted with the kit he was still holding. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” I smiled, even though it felt terrible. I wanted to stay so much. “I just, um - I just wanted to see you play. And now I have, so-“ I shrugged. “It’s cool. Call me, maybe we can do something.”

He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then he just nodded. “Yeah. OK.”

Then I quickly leaned in and kissed him, lightly, just for a second. 

“You were so good,”i said. I really meant it. “Will you tell Andy I said that?”

He nodded. 

“OK.” 

Before I could change my mind, I slipped back through the door to the backstage area, wound through the people in the packed club, not looking back. My coat was nowhere I’d left it. _Fuck._ I was rummaging through piles of stuff looking for it when I heard my name.

“Sara?”

I turned. That dread rising up in me. 

It was my ex. Logan. He looked chubbier, older- if that was even possible, in less than a year. He didn't look good. He was wearing a faded old Cult t-shirt, just like the one I had. We used to love that band. He was staring at me.

“Oh.” It was all I could say. 

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” he said.

I just shrugged. That familiar adrenaline.

“You OK? Your dad-“he started.

“He died,” I interrupted. I would never forgive him for not telling me about my dad earlier, before. “I’m OK.”

“You look… good.”

I stared back. Challenging. Like - _yeah, now fuck off, preferably out of Seattle, forever._

I was just thinking it, when I saw Stone in the crowd. My heart did a flip. And then he was there next to me. 

He looked at Logan, totally not getting it. Then he looked at me. 

“So - you wanna get out of here?”he said. 

I almost laughed, because it was too perfect. _And he told me I’d never make it work in Seattle on my own._

“Sure,” I said. Took a long look at Logan, then smiled. “Bye, Logan.” His eyes like fucking saucers, not knowing how to act. Gaping after me as we went. 

“Was that your ex?”Stone asked, as we got out of the main room.

I laughed, feeling so fucking free right then. 

He shook his head. “I’ll take that as a yes. He has good taste though. The shirt, I mean.” 

When we went out the front I was aware of people looking at us; that weird feeling of being with someone other people knew, and wanted to talk about. 

“Stone! You leaving already?” We turned and I saw a kind of cute blond guy, smoking, with his arm around another pretty girl. “What gives?”

“Oh, hey. Yeah, I’m out. You see the show?” The guy nodded, enthusiastic, and Stone said aside to me, “Damon Stewart, the guru of Seattle rock and roll.”

“I’m just a radio hack, actually,” Damon said, winking at me. “Well… see you around, man. I need to get you guys on the show soon. That killed, though. Welcome back.”

Stone nodded, said he’d call him, then steered me away from the crowd, clearly on a mission.

“So why _are_ you out here with me, not in there with your band?” I said, shivering in the cold without my coat. Stone took off his leather jacket, gave it to me even though I put up a pretty weak protest. 

“Uh, because I wanted to,” he said. “Freezing my ass off, probably having to sing Iron Maiden to another goddamn bus driver. Risking it all in your piece-of-shit shower. With you, though.”

And that went right to my heart. 

“I mean, I can go back inside, or-”

“No,” I said. “That’s OK.”

Then he kissed me. Finally.

I pulled away suddenly, said, “ _Fuck,_ I don’t have any quarters for the bus.”

“I guess I’ll be singing then. I mean, I think I’m getting better, though. You think? I think I sounded pretty good tonight.” I kissed him, and he stopped, I could feel he was smiling. _Wow, my heart._

**EDDIE**

Mission Beach, early mornings. It was always better real early, just a few joggers on the boardwalk, purple clouds and red sky. 

I’d get off at the hotel around four a.m., then pass out in my car, wake up after an hour or two aching all over, my eyes burning. I’d drink the rest of my flat soda, whatever crap I picked up at the end of my shift at the gas station. Man, I had such a 7up Gold phase at one point. Then I’d drive to the beach while it was still getting light, park in the empty lot and change into my surf gear. 

My board was always strapped to the top of my piece of shit car, I’d take it down, wander down to the sand, a half-asleep person. 

I knew when I’d get in the water, I’d be back to life. It was all about just getting there. Like when you’re feeling like shit and you don’t want to perform, you don’t want to get on that stage, but you do it. And I always thought - you never regret the shit you did as much as the shit you didn’t do. 

I’d stand in the waves, feel the weak rising sun on my face. Kind of like a ritual or something. Rebirth. Try and put it all behind me. The bad news on the shitty little TV in the hotel guard-hut, the letters back from labels: _thanks but no thanks._ The fact I knew my band was on the outs, we weren’t writing anymore, we weren’t even talking anymore. Them saying I was tough to deal with, maybe I was. The messages I got from my mom on the machine around Christmas. _Just give me a call sometime, Eddie? I’d really like to talk._

Push.I learned that from Beth. 

Look forward. Just keep pushing forward. Something’s gonna happen. Put the past behind you, that’s corny but true. You have to. Keep going. No band? You’ll find something else. The gas station’s not forever, the hotel’s not forever. Tired? Sleep in your car. Open the mail. Answer the phone. Keep going. Something will happen. Push.


	39. Chapter 39

##  **SARA**

When I stumbled out of my room to go make coffee the next morning, wearing just my underwear and his t-shirt, my roommate Lil sitting at the kitchen table calmly paying some bills almost gave me a fucking heart attack. 

“Oh! You’re back!”I said.

She smiled. “Happy new year.”

“When did you, um- get back?” I was thinking, _oh my God,_ since I wasn’t sure I had exactly been quiet last night.

“Oh, like an hour ago. Late night?” She looked me up and down and I felt pretty ridiculous. 

“Um… kind of. Let me just go get dressed…”

“Oh, it’s fine,” she said, biting the cap of her pen. “Go ahead, I don’t mind. You have a good Christmas?”

“Yeah, actually. I just spent it with a friend. How was yours?”

“Oh, it was lovely. We went to Midnight Mass and then for a long hike on Christmas Day. I did all the cooking, to give my mom a break.” 

She smiled, beatifically, and I was like - _how is she real?,_ with that special mixture of envy and vague irritation. 

“Then we helped out at a soup kitchen, which was just incredibly _humbling_ and great. I didn’t miss a day of my tai-chi either, thank God.”

“Oh. Thank God,”I agreed, kind of lamely, putting the coffee on. “You want some?”

“No, I’m good. I’m only drinking herbal right now.”

“Right.” I made the coffee, feeling secretly jealous of the shininess of her hair, then poured it into two cups. She raised an eyebrow.

“Ah, is that guy here? How’s that going?”she said in a low voice. 

I smiled, couldnt help it.

“OK, I think. Um, well, I’ll see you in a bit.”

She nodded and went back to her thing. I pushed the door open with my foot and then closed it, carefully balancing the mugs. Stone was sitting on my bed reading the copy of The Rocket from my bedside table.

“Oh, thanks,” he said when I gave him the coffee, pointed at one of the pages. “This thing at the Paramount the other night, did you go?”

I glanced at the article he was reading as I sat down on my bed next to him. It was a writeup of the _‘Nine for the 90s’_ show the Rocket put on last week. Alice in Chains played, but I didn’t really recognise the other bands except a couple by name. I shook my head.

“Well, I guess we’re not _‘one for the 90s’_ ,” Stone said, smiling wryly.

I smiled. “Um, I'm pretty sure a major label record deal means you guys are _probably_ gonna be a hot band of the 90s.”

Stone just kept reading the article. “Love Battery. That’s a big Sub Pop band. Good guys, actually Mudhoney’s drummer used to play with them, for one.”

“I really don’t think I am cool enough to start this job on Monday,” I said. 

“Yeah, probably not.” 

“Fuck you,” I said, smiling. 

He laughed. “I mean - I know your roommate’s right outside - but sure.”

“She would definitely not approve.”

“Yeah, and you already killed her cactus, so that’d be like, last straw material,” he said.

“I didn’t _kill_ it-“ 

But he just kissed me, and I didn’t even finish that sentence. “OK, I may have been responsible for its _demise_ , but I didn’t even know you have to like, _water_ a cactus! I mean, don’t they live in deserts and stuff?!” 

He was laughing at me, and it just made me laugh too. 

“Uh, yeah, but it’s a fucking _indoor_ cactus, this isn’t like, the Navajo,” he said, teasing.

“Oh, thanks, I never would’ve guessed,” I said, pointing at the crazy rain outside the window.

He took my coffee and put it on the bedside table with his, pulled me into him and kissed me. His hands were warm under my shirt. He was so pretty. I smoothed down his wavy brown hair, smiled.

“What?”he said. “Is this a good look for me? Just, y’know, the matted hair, not showered..” 

I nodded, kissed him again. “Definitely.”

“This is my grunge look.”

“It’s good.” I mean, it was.

Then, it kind of felt like time stopped, because the rain just kept on falling outside, never letting up. He kissed me to keep me quiet, even though the way he was making me feel was like nothing else. Not for the first time I was like - _wow, so this is what it’s supposed to be like._ Then I realised the coffee had gone cold, somehow more than an hour had gone by. 

“My friend Josh is interviewing The Cult tonight,” Stone said, his fingers fidgeting like he did sometimes, as I lay on my side watching him. “He’s getting us in.”

“Us?”

“The band.”

“Oh.” 

I knew The Cult were in town, I’d seen the posters around. I associated them so much with my shitty past relationship that I hadn't got tickets for it, even though I’d liked them for a while. 

“Were you gonna go?” he asked.

“I mean - I wasn’t planning on it. I kind of need the money right now, and- y’know.”

“Right.” His fingers trailed down my arm, turned over my wrist. 

I was kind of waiting for him to ask me to go, though.

“So you’re gonna go?”i asked, eventually. “That’ll be cool.”

“Yeah, I think so. I mean, if it’s happening. With the flooding.”

“Flooding?” I looked out the window. “Here?”

Stone nodded, picking up each of my fingers and tracing over them gently, seeming kind of preoccupied. He could never keep still. “It does from time to time. If there’s a lot of snow melt from the mountains.”

“Oh. Wow.” _Ask me to go to the show._

“So you think it’d be too much if I just ask Ian Astbury for an opening slot on their next tour?”he said.

I couldnt really tell if he was joking or not, so I just shrugged. 

“I mean, why not. You should wear my Cult shirt, for extra emphasis.”

“I really don’t think I’m cool enough to pull that off,” he said.

“Probably not.” 

I gently extricated my hand, curled it into a fist on the covers. I was kind of surprised he hadn’t asked me to go to the Cult thing. He knew I loved them - he’d known that since he’d known me. Yeah, there was the Jeff thing, but - I don’t know. It just made me feel kind of frustrated. Like, I could control myself around him, I wasn’t some kind of sex maniac. 

I guess he noticed I was a little put out, because he said-

“I’d, um - I’d ask you to come, but Jeff’s gonna be there, and I didn’t want it to be like. Weird for you. I mean I feel like it’d be kind of obvious if we’re like, there together.”

“Yeah. I get it.”

He sighed. “I know this sucks.”

I looked at him. And I kind of thought- _yeah, it sucks, for me_. But would I have done the same? There had to be a lot of money at stake here. A lot of reasons to not want to fuck things up in the band. Reasons that weren’t just about Andy. But at the same time, I thought: _how can you be in a band, without trust, or communication? How is a band like that gonna last?_

“I’m sure he’s over it by now. Jeff,” I said. Not sure that was true. His painting was hanging right above us. I glanced at the bear he won me at the funfair. Friend Bear. It seemed pretty fucking ironic right now.

Stone just shrugged. “Maybe. You have any hot single friends for him, though?”

“Well, apparently Alicia’s wanted a piece of him forever, so…” I tailed off, realising i’d mentioned her, thinking- _is that weird?_ And then - _Alicia’s gone. Where did she go?_

“Hm,” he said. That was all.

“God, I really hope she’s OK,”I said, and I meant it. “I don’t get it. Why would she just leave town like that? You think something happened?”

He sat up a little, pushed back his hair. “I really don’t know. She probably like, went to Panama. Took down Noriega with a single putdown about his camo making him look like a Public Enemy fan who shops at K-mart.”

I cracked up, I couldnt help it. That whole thing was all over the news just yesterday. “Maybe.”

“This coffee is actually pretty good cold,” he said.

“I’ll go make some more.”

“You want me to do it?”

I looked at him. “My roommate is out there and she is no joke. She’s like, a deadly combination of Martha Stewart and Demi Moore.”

“Wow. She single?”

I shot him a look and he laughed. “Actually, she has a boyfriend, called something like Kent, or Kyle. I think he rows crew. I kind of imagine him being like a really hot, smart Johnny Appleseed,” I said. 

“Wow, so, that’s your type, or…” He tried to kiss me and I dodged it, smiling. 

“Clearly not.”

“OK, well - I’m gonna go check out this roommate of yours. You can come chaperone if you want.” 

He got out of bed and pulled on his clothes from last night. I couldn’t help thinking Lil was gonna mildly freak out. At least he didnt put back on the assorted silver bracelets that were currently sitting on my bedside table. I grabbed a random dress from the floor of my closet and threw it on, smoothed down my hair in the mirror, wiping away the eyeliner smudges even though she’d seen me looking a lot worse just now. “OK.”

When we went into the kitchen, Lil looked up and her eyes widened. “Oh. Hey. You must be-“

“Stone,” he said. I remembered what she’d said about his name before and tried not to laugh. “Hi.”

“Hi.” She was obviously doing her utmost not to give him the complete one-two, this long haired dishevelled guy with a name like that, in her pristine kitchen. “I’m Lil, I’m the roommate.”

“Oh, how’s that cactus doing?”he said. 

She laughed, incredulous.

“Yeah. The cactus kind of died a death.”

“Just don’t let her look after any small children, or like - a dog.”

I looked at him, then at her. Was he like, kind of flirting? Awkwardly, granted, but she was smiling. 

“Oh, fuck, we’re out of coffee,”I said, frowning.

“There’s ginseng tea,” Lil offered. I grimaced, but she didn’t notice. “Sara said you’re in a band?”

“Yeah, Mother Love Bone.”

“Oh, OK. I haven’t heard of it.”

_All you listen to is Fleetwood Mac and ‘Yoga & You’ on PBS_, I thought, but I wasn’t gonna say that. I poured a glass of water and handed it to Stone, who drank it. 

“They’re actually putting out a record in March,” I said. Lil raised an eyebrow.

“No way. So that’s your like, _real_ job?”

He grinned. “I guess so.”

“Huh. Did you study music?”she asked. 

“No, I just kinda.. taught myself. Played in local bands and stuff.”

“You go to school?”

“Um, just a semester, couple of years back,” he said. I looked at him, I wasn’t sure I’d even known that. “UDub.”

“Oh, me too. I really like it. I’m pre-Law.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, OK. My dad’s an attorney in the city. That was gonna be my backup, I guess.”

She smiled, that way she had that was so beautifully condescending. “Well, you can always go back, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what he keeps telling me.” 

I looked at Stone. Something had shifted in him, it was weird. I could tell.

“Well, if you do, just avoid the Logic course. It’s fucking terrible. Cool about your deal though,” she said, looking back down at the stuff she was working on. “Good luck with that.”

“Thanks.”

There was this slight awkward silence, then I was like - “So, you want to go out and get coffee?”

He nodded, and we went back into my room to get our stuff. 

“This is a very nice yellow sweater,” I said, holding up the one he had had in his backpack. “I think Ian is gonna love it.”

“Thanks.” He put it on, pulled his hair up into a ponytail using a band from around his wrist. “So, coffee?”

“Sure. Hey, um- Lil’s just weird, by the way. She’s like that with everyone. I don’t think she’s really into ‘the scene’”i said, air quotes.

“That’s OK. I mean, she’s right. I guess I _can_ always go back.” He wound his yellow scarf around his neck, not looking at me. “Good to have options.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, though I was thinking - _you don’t need options._ They’d all quit their day jobs now, it was serious. He could _enjoy_ it. I picked up the end of his scarf, smiled. “Oh, it matches.”

“Makes sense, y’know. Match the scarf to the sweater, that way you’re not gonna forget which is yours,” he said. 

I giggled. “I like it a lot,” I said, looking at him.

“The scarf?”

“Yeah. The scarf.”

“I like it a lot, too.”

##  **GRACE**

I remember getting home from the Mother Love Bone show at the Vogue, and the rain starting. It didn’t stop for two days. 

I was staying at my parents’ house again, on the Hill - I’d been doing that more and more, my little apartment got so cold in winter and I missed my sister and my Dad. By morning there were tree branches fallen across flooded roads, power outages. My little sister Tori was glued to the TV set in the kitchen, slurping her cereal, obviously totally engrossed in the rising water levels of Western and Central Washington. I was still kind of buzzing from the show, I remember being in the taxi back after and I couldn’t stop smiling, because I thought - _he’s OK. He’s done it, he’s come through this, again, and this time it really is gonna be OK because they’re about to go stratospheric, anybody could see that._

But I hadn’t slept well, I was worrying about Alicia. I thought my little pep talk before Christmas was so great, that I’d fixed it for her, like always. I guess I thought maybe she’d call Stone like I told her to, tell him how she felt, and they’d get some kind of happy ending. Sara would be OK; Jeff was so into her, and I kind of thought she liked him too. But also, Sara was _strong -_ it was the first thing I noticed about her. Alicia wasn’t strong, not like that. And now, she was just gone. 

A couple of days back I’d gone over to her house and her mom was drinking at the kitchen table at 11am, rolled her eyes and said Alicia had disappeared. _Disappeared_. She said it like she’d gone to get her nails done. 

“Um - OK. You mean - uh, _what_ do you mean?”I said, kind of shocked.

Kathryn waved her hand, got distracted checking out her nails with their square manicure. 

“She was here on Christmas, but then the next day Von and I went out for drinks with his partners at the Sorrento - oh, it’s quite lovely, have you been? _Wonderful_ gin cocktails. And then, she was just gone!” She took a huge gulp of her drink. “She hasn’t been back since, so that would be… a couple of days, I suppose. Apparently she took her passport, so God only knows, really. No note, no number.”

“Her _passport_?” I frowned.

“Oh yes, we normally keep it locked up in the safe, but I guess she found a way in. Maybe she does have a few brain cells left, even after all your escapades.” Kathryn’s smile, hard and bright like diamonds. 

“Oh. Well, um - I mean, I’m kind of worried,” I said awkwardly, twisting my pendant, nervous. “She didn’t leave a note, or-?“

“No,” Kathryn said, abruptly. “I said that already, didn’t I?”

I wanted to go up to Alicia's room, try and find a clue, like fucking Nancy Drew or something - but I didn’t. I just left. 

I went into town, to Easy Street, the record store we liked. I guess thinking about her took me there. It had opened a year or so before and we’d spent so many Saturdays hanging there ever since. Alicia would sit in the listening booth for ages wearing the big headphones, totally monopolising it, but no one ever told her off because she was beautiful and scary, and I remember catching her listening to something with this little look on her face that made me snatch at the headphones, to see what was making her smile like that. It was Green River’s record. Mark screeching over Stone and Bruce’s sludgy guitars. I laughed at her, she just rolled her eyes and said she owed Stoney a detailed critique about how lame it was.

Anyway. Now, I wandered through the racks of records, not knowing what I was looking for. I’d kind of fallen behind with new music, between work and just Seattle, the way the scene was - sometimes it felt like nothing was happening anywhere else, it was all Chris and Andy and Stone and Jeff and Mark and Steve and Kurt and Kim and Tad, and all the others who hung around them and tried to sound like them. For someone who still spent so much of their time going to shows I didn’t really _love_ music any more, not like I used to, when it was the thing that gave us life. I wanted other things too, now: travel, art, movies, new faces. 

I thumbed through the 2 Tone/Ska section, remembered some band Jeff told me about a while ago, the Hepcats. I heard the guys on the cash desk talking behind me.

“This is it? _Apple_?”

“Yeah, that’s the promo pack, so there’s a disc in there we can play starting next month, the release is in March. Uh - here, it’s March 20th. We can start playing it and get the posters up, then Jack’s gonna talk to their manager about setting up maybe a show or at least a signing here around the time of the release.”

“You ever see them play? I heard really good things. I just moved here, so- I’m from Portland, actually-“

“Yeah, they’re good. They did a great show at the Moore a year or so ago, I hear they’ve got better. Anyways their label is pushing this pretty hard from what I hear, and that’s gonna be the way with these guys, lot of promo and such, and they’re trying to get a video on MTV right after the record release.”

“Wow, that’s pretty intense for a Seattle band, huh?”

“Hm, well. They’re going for that big, Guns thing. I mean, all power to them, Polygram are all over it. Big buzz.”

I chuckled to myself. Thinking, _what would Mudhoney say about that_? And also, Alicia would laugh, probably go over there and tell them Stone Gossard still kept a scarecrow stuffed toy in his bedroom and was the least cool person this side of the Duwamish. Or she’d tell them about the time last year that Andy Wood made the A&Rs from Geffen play Mattel Electronic Football with him when they took him to a cool fancy bar uptown. It made me smile. 

I put the record back and went out, thinking - _I should call Andy. Wish him luck for their first show on Saturday._ But I never did. It took me forever to get home and then I did laundry, worked on my photo collage project. I had a lot of work that week. Then it was Saturday, and the show. And I didn’t really get to talk to Andy at all, they were doing some interview before, and then after I was tired and I didn’t want to play third wheel to Sara and Stone, so…

So there I was now, the day after, watching the rain outside my parents’ kitchen window and thinking about my friends, when my dad came in the front door, his eyes on the floor, his shoulders so heavy. He was shaking out his umbrella, his sneakers he always wore for work were wet through.

He always worked nights in Emergency. And for a long time, he’d been telling me how disturbed he was by the overdoses. How there were more and more, every day; and they were so much younger, they were my age. They were kids like me. But I thought, _they’re not like me. They’re not my friends._

He never stopped worrying. He was always saying it: the music scene here was full of drugs and criminals, I should apply to art school like I’d planned, get away. He made it sound so easy. _I did it,_ he’d say, drinking another cup of sweet tea, staring out the window at his beautiful garden. _I came to another continent to get what I wanted. Look at me._ “I know, Baba,” I always said, then I’d change the subject. The truth was I felt rooted, like the maple trees at the Arboretum. I didn’t know how to leave.

“Hey,” I called. “You want tea?”

He hung up his coat slowly. Rubbed his face, then looked at me. He looked so tired, and so sad. It kind of unnerved me. 

“Ah - yes. Thank you, baby.”

I got up and filled the kettle, got out the cream and sugar. He came and stood in the doorway. 

“There’s flooding closing off the roads. Ambulances getting stuck. My lobelia will love it, at least,” he said, pointing out at his garden. 

Tori snorted, said something like “Baba, that’s _so_ you”. 

I could tell Dad wasn’t in the mood. I made him his tea, with the three spoons of sugar and the heavy slug of cream. He stood at the counter, staring at it.

“Are you OK?” I asked.

He nodded, once. I watched him open his mouth, then close it. He took a sip of tea, then put it back down, carefully.

“Another one,” he said, quietly. “This boy was seventeen, maybe. They found him under a bridge. His face-“ He broke off, shook his head. I stared at him. “He was in a bad way.”

“Did he, um… what, he overdosed?”

“Heroin. The same again. Police say, there’s some bad heroin in the city right now. There’ll be more.”

Tori glanced at me, I bit my lip, I knew what she was thinking. _Don’t get him started on this topic._ He never let her go out anywhere, he wanted to know about all of her friends, if she so much as got a little tipsy he’d ground her, take away her allowance. And I didn’t really want to talk about the fact that one of my best friends just got out of rehab.

“That’s so awful,” I said, moving away, washing my mug at the sink. “Uh - I was looking at Parsons again,They have a good photography program. You want to see the brochure?”

He just drank his tea. “Later. Did you go out last night?”

“Yes,” I said, though Tori was shaking her head, drawing a finger across her neck like, _say no_. “My friends had a show.”

He looked at me, serious. “We had a boy in the ICU on Christmas Eve, he was in a rock band. He told me about it when he woke up.”

_It wasn’t Andy. It was someone else. There are a lot of bands in Seattle. Andy was at Walmart with Xana that night, buying sparklers._

I shook my head. “That’s not… Look, I understand you’re worried, but you know I don’t do anything like that, and my friends aren’t-“ I tailed off, not really knowing what to say. “I know there are problems with, um - with drugs in the city. And yeah, I know people who have had those issues, but you don’t need to worry about me. You don’t.” 

“Your friends have these issues?”

“Not like that,” I said. 

He looked at me for a long moment. His dark eyes narrow with exhaustion. The lines standing out on his face, grey shadows and bags.

“It’s a terrible thing,” he said. “The way they do it to themselves.”

“It’s a disease,” I said. That was the word Andy used a lot.

“It is a choice _._ I’m a doctor, don’t tell me about _disease_. This city has something rotten.” He shook his head.

“This isn’t Lagos, Dad,” I said, turning away. “The city is fine.”

“Where does it come from?”he asked, looking at me.

“The heroin?”

“The heroin, ah - the wish, to do this to yourself. Where does that come from? You young ones have the whole world at your feet, it’s not enough? I had _nothing_. Why waste your mind? Why take the risk?” 

He was looking at me. I leaned against the counter, gripped it with both hands. Feeling that weird fight-or-flight thing. I didn’t know why this was getting me so tense. I guess it was a little close to home. Andy didn’t talk about what had happened before he went to rehab this last time. It was like one day he was here, the next day he wasn’t. I guess _something_ happened.

“Maybe we _don’t_ have the whole world at our feet,” I said. I shrugged. “Maybe that’s just the way _you_ see it.” I thought about the weight of our histories. Alicia’s past, the way all that money couldn’t buy anything real. Meg’s scholarship, washing dishes all through high school, the loss of her dad. Sara’s father, so young in his unifom, going off to Vietnam. And my parents, both of them refugees trying to escape the past. I wondered how many of us in this city - their children - had crowded together, needing creativity and community and self expression, for those kinds of reasons. Sometimes, it felt like it was the only way to be heard.

My dad just tutted, like he thought I was stupid. 

“You don’t know anything about that boy at the hospital,” I said then, a little bolder. “He could’ve had problems. _Real_ problems. Maybe drugs, I don’t know - helped with that. Maybe he couldn’t get any support for his addiction. Not everyone lives in a Victorian on the Hill, Baba.”

“It is a choice,” he said again. Like he just didn’t want to hear anything I was saying. 

There had always been drugs around. When we were younger we took pills, smoked weed, a little coke. Yeah, there were places downtown, by the river, the kind of places you knew not to go. There were dealers, and some parties were harder than others. There were rumors about people. But I kept a distance from it. I couldn’t get my head around that need, to erase yourself. I guess I’d been pretty lucky my whole life. But it was just easier to think everyone was like me. Or I’d just be worrying, all the fucking time. We all laughed at Nancy Reagan’s shtick, it was like a joke to us. _Just say no._

I guess Alicia went to rehab once, but… That was years ago. She was fine, wasn’t she? _Was she? Was she fine right now?_ But wherever she would be OK, because she always was. And Andy - he was smart. He liked to feel good, get out of his head, I knew he'd had problems with his family, I knew he got sad. But both times it spun out of control, he’d gone straight to rehab. And he was _glowing_ last night. He was better now. Fine.

“I’m gonna go shower,” I said, smiling at my dad. “Get some sleep, maybe we can make dinner later.”

I lay on my childhood bed upstairs. There was still a picture of the me and Andy tacked up on my old noticeboard. It back in the Malfunkshun days, when he was skinny and short-haired, still that killer smile. 

I remembered being at the Metropolis with him one afternoon. Before it turned into a club at night there was like a juice bar where you could sit around and talk or watch people. I liked seeing what everyone was wearing, sometimes I’d ask them if I could take pictures. Hugo, the guy who ran the place, was a crazy French guy who hung Toulouse Lautrec prints on the walls and let his mangy cat roam around in the daytime. Andy was a few months out of rehab, anxious and restless. He was wearing more and more makeup on stage

I just tried to keep things normal. We’d sometimes play this ancient Yahtzee game from the stash behind the bar. He liked keeping his hands busy, he always wanted to play a game, write a poem, something like that. Stone was there, too, I don’t remember if other people were. I think I was hungover, I always was back then. We all were.

_“Your turn,”Andy said, passing me the dice. I turned them over in my hands. I was winning right now, I needed to slow down and make some bad moves. He never bothered with anything like a strategy, he just rolled the dice and wrote down what he wanted._

_“Hey, you only have a few turns left. You’re gonna lose,” Stone said, glancing at Andy’s scorecard._

_“It’s a game of chance,” Andy said._

_“No, there’s definitely like a skill to it too. Do you even know how to play?” Stone said, and I saw him try to pick up the scorecard, and for some reason I kind of reached over and put my hand on it, smiled at Andy._

_“It’s up to you,” I said. “You can play the game however you want.”_

_Stone shook his head. “You only get a set amount of turns. You need strategies, or you’re gonna lose.”_

_“Well, maybe I’m just a big loser,” Andy said, scribbling in the margin of the paper._

I picked up the phone beside my bed and dialled the only number I had for Andy - Chris’ number. It rang and rang. I wondered what I would do if Xana picked up. I liked her, and I didn’t want her to think there was anything weird going on. I didn’t even know what I wanted to say...

“Hello?”

“Oh, _hey_! I wasn’t sure you were gonna pick up-“

“ _OK,_ so, where the fuck did you go last night? I turn around for a second and then you, Sara and Stoney all split.” That smile in his voice. “You know my ego isn’t gonna take that.”

“I know, um… I had some work to do,” I said. “Sorry.”

“That’s cool. Hey, you busy tonight? We’re getting backstage at the Cult show at the Mercer. Gonna be pretty cool.”

I stared at the ceiling. “Um - I don’t know. The flooding’s pretty bad, and-“

“And you’re washing your hair, right?”

“Right.”

“C’mon, it’d be fun.”

“OK, I know this sounds really lame, but I’m kind of babysitting my sister, my dad’s working nights and my mom’s out of town a lot right now.”

“Aw, you’re too good for this world, Gracey. You at least gonna come to my birthday thing? We’re playing a show at the Central, but I guess we’ll probably go out after. The Fenix has like a reggae night.”

He sounded so happy and excited. It filled me up. I smiled. “Twenty four, wow.”

“I feel like I have a lot to celebrate.”

“Yeah, you do.”

I had this memory of us talking on the phone like this, years back when he was still in Malfunkshun, playing to a few people at the Navy Club on a Thursday night. I was in Paris on a big Europe trip with my family and I missed him, missed Seattle so much. He was just out of his first time in rehab, we all kind of knew he was struggling but none of us knew what the fuck to do or say. I worried about him a lot. I watched people on the Rue Richielieu out of my hotel window as we talked, my mind foggy with jet-lag. He wanted to know everything about Paris, all the things I’d seen and done.

_“How are you?”I said. Knowing it was loaded._

_“Ah…” He sighed quietly. “I’m good. Pushin’ on through. Staying outta trouble.”_

_“That’s really good.”_

_“So… tell me what we’d do. Say I’m there. What are we doing?”_

_I looked out at the street below the window. It was dark, but it was lunch time back home, and I knew he didn’t have anywhere to be._

_“Well, first we’d go check out the Louvre. I’d make you do stupid poses and act like a dumb American tourist, obviously.”_

_“Obviously. And I’m wearing like, a fanny pack and a Hawaiian shirt even though it’s fucking freezing,”he said._

_“Right. And then we’d go get this real expensive hot chocolate, sit in the gardens. Talk about the paintings. Obviously I’d act like I know so much about art.”_

_His laugh again. It sounded like home._

_“Then we’d go check out the stores in Place Vendome. Try on all the hats and shades. Piss off all the people who work there,” I said, imagining it._

_“I wanna go to the Eiffel Tower,”he said._

_“OK, well, we have to get the metro there. We’ll climb the stairs all the way to the top.”_

_“That’d be fucking A. What are we looking at?”_

_“Everything. The whole city. It’s getting dark and so all the lights are coming on.”_

_“And you’re freaking out ‘cos I bet you hate heights.”_

_“No!” I protested._

_I knew he was smiling at the other end._

_“OK, you’re cool with heights. You’re leaning way too far over the edge to see and I have to like, pull you back.”_

_“Oh yeah?”_

_“Yeah, then I’d probably just be overcome by the romance and kiss you.”_

_I didn’t say anything. I remember so clearly how I was feeling, right then._

_He just carried on- “Nah, you wouldn’t lean over the edge. You’re the sensible one. You’d just be taking photos of everything. You might even let me take one of you after you’re done.”_

_“No way.” But I was smiling._

_“Then I’d steal the photo, you’d be like, ‘give it back right now!’ but I wouldn’t. Then what’d we do?”_

_“Well I guess, we could go to the bar at the Ritz. It’s so nice. Drink martinis, put it on my dad’s tab. You’d get trashed, get on the piano and start playing like, Crocodile Rock.”_

_He was laughing. “You know it. That’s the kinda gig I want. Old rich people. I never thought the rock thing was gonna work out anyway.”_

_“And I’d be dying, clearly, but also I’d be like, that’s my fucking friend! From Seattle! Then we’d probably get kicked out.”_

_“Let’s go back to the river. Just like, get on a boat,” he said._

_“OK, where are we going?”_

_“Somewhere,” he said. He sighed, sounding so tired. “Man, I wish I could just go anywhere.”_

That was years ago, though. And now he was about to get everything he ever wanted.

“I’m really happy for you,” I said. “Um, like, sorry to be lame or whatever, but- I am.”

“It’s not lame, I’m lucky to be here,” Andy said. “I know that.”

“Will you get Ian Astbury to sign something for me?”I asked.

“I’ll get that sexy British motherfucker to sign my finest receipt from the 7-Eleven when I was buying three boxes of Chocodiles and a 6 pack of Snapple to keep me on the path of righteousness. You can put it in a nice frame.”

I giggled. “Thanks. Hey, don’t drown either.”

“I’ll try. See you at our next show, maybe.”

It seemed like the rain had got harder outside. I was kind of glad I could just stay home, watch The Golden Girls with Tori. I thought about calling Charles, but I didn’t want to seem too eager or whatever, we only just spent the day together. The thought of it becoming more of a “thing”, I didn’t know if I had the space for it right then. 

I looked at the Parsons school prospectus sticking out of my weekend bag. Thought about looking at it again, showing my dad the photography course I liked. I didn’t want to get left behind. All those cheesy news readers: _Goodbye to the 80s, it’s 1990 now, the start of a whole new decade._ And my mom, always saying _c_ hange can be good. Even if it feels like an ending.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Jeff + Sara POV, + light smut warning!

##  **JEFF**

The Cult show was a blast. I mean, yeah I kind of left Stone hanging outside for like an hour, but - that was just funny, I knew it’d piss him off. He was running around with Josh the video guy, both of them just got kind of trashed outside and annoyed people all night. But he was good, happy, like, not over thinking stuff or freaking out about Andy like usual. We were all there, together. Just goofing off, staying out of the rain. The Cult’s bus was pretty sweet too. Ian was this weird, intense guy, he was a fucking trip. 

We watched their show from the side and I just felt so pumped about getting back to it with the band. Stuff like that reminded me why I was still in Seattle. We had a show planned for the weekend of Andy’s birthday, which was pretty great. And we were going to New York for press in February, Kelly called us the day after the Cult. First time I went there was with Green River. Parking up at the Days Inn just outside the Holland Tunnel, getting the train into town with all our gear. Rooming with Mark, him laying on the bathroom floor all night on a bad trip right up until we had to check out the next morning, his hair sticking to his face, in his filthy clothes. That show was such a disaster- CBGBs, but the graveyard shift. These 2 old Japanese ladies gave us a five dollar bill between us, said they thought it was _very nice_. And now we were going back, on an airplane, staying in Manhattan.

Without my job I felt kinda weird though. I was working out a lot, doing stuff like helping Andy move. He and Xana got a place in Queen Anne and he was just so _happy_. I think it was the happiest I ever saw him. We carried his few boxes of stuff out to the van, things his parents had dropped over from the Island, the stuff he’d been carrying around Seattle from place to place, and a few things he and Xana picked out - a sandwich toaster, a clotheshorse, a few colorful cushions. 

Andy got in the van next to me. I pulled away from Cornell’s house, Andy shook his head when the tape started playing, some Dead Kennedys b-sides. 

“No fucking way, man,” he said, pulling out the tape and throwing it out the window. I stared at him, cracked up. He just laughed and turned up the radio, sang along to the terrible new Phil Collins song that was everywhere right then.

When we got to his new block Andy was so excited to show me around. There were flowers growing in the courtyard, you could hear the sound of a fountain somewhere. We took stuff in, dumped it in the hallway then went to get more. I don’t know what I expected but it was nice - new carpet in the lobby, paintings on the walls. Xana was inside the apartment putting groceries away. I was glad Andy had someone to buy him groceries, take care of him. He needed that so much.

I gave him a hug when I left and said-

“Nice place. Remember, do NOT put cardboard in the garbage chute.” There were signs everywhere saying it in big angry letters. We both laughed. “I’m really happy for you, dude, you and Xana.”

Sometimes when I was with those guys, I wanted what they had so bad. Walking away from their little apartment with their shoes cluttered together by the door, them kissing by the fridge - that was one of those times. I was still waiting for that, like everything else.

##  **SARA**

My first week at Sub Pop was the craziest blur. My first day, I spent about an hour trying to figure out what to wear, drank three cups of coffee one after another, then cycled into town, buzzed with nerves.

Outside the office was a really big guy with long brown hair and a beard, a baseball hat almost covering his face, peering at the buzzer. 

“Um - excuse me,” I said, and pressed the Sub Pop one. 

He shook his head. “I think it’s broken. I tried it like a thousand times already.”

I looked at him again. He had to be the janitor or something. I mean, he looked like your stoner uncle who was a little too fond of beer & burger night. There was a coffee stain on his thick flannel jacket and he smelled faintly of weed. “You going to Sub Pop too?”I asked.

“Yeah,” he said, fumbling in his pocket for a cigarette.

“Oh.” I looked at the buzzer again. “Should we try the other buzzer?”

“That’s the enemy,” he said, deadpan.

“I’m just gonna try it.” I pressed the Kelly Curtis Management buzzer. There was a long pause, then - “If it’s for Sub Pop, tell Bruce to get their goddamn intercom fixed already.” We both chuckled as the door buzzed open. 

“Oh the glamor,” the big guy said, lighting up. The narrow stairwell filled with the smell of smoke as we walked up. “I’m Tad, by the way. My band’s with the label.”

“Oh, cool! What’s your band?”

“Tad. Original, huh?” 

We got to the Sub Pop floor and he banged on the door, which was opened by a harassed looking Bruce. 

“You guys were downstairs? I told Maura to get that thing fixed,” he said, rubbing his face. “Hey, Tad. Sara, welcome.”

I nodded. Tad headed inside and we followed. I noticed that the Green River t-shirts had gone, but in their place was just more boxes of stuff. There were a couple of kids around my age at the desks, on the phone or stamping envelopes. I heard a familiar loud voice in the next room, sounded like Mark Arm. 

“A fuckin’ _yellow fever_ shot? What even is that? I thought Australia was like, England with worse beer. Are you guys gonna pay for that?!”

Bruce shook his head, yelled through the door - “Yeah, we’re paying for it. Be cool. You need to have it soon, though, because you guys have about six weeks before you leave.” He motioned to the half desk space that was vaguely clear, said to me- “Here, put your stuff down.”

“Thanks.” I put my messenger bag down, looked at the desk which had Sharpie writing all over it; random doodles and people’s names. _Kurt. Lukin._ Towering stacks of different colour Post Its, a broken stapler, a Marlboro freebie desk calendar open to January 1990. A pencil holder with no pencils. On the desk across from me, the girl I kind of recognised from being here with Jeff was talking on the phone.

“No, so that is our standard form letter. Yeah.” She frowned. “Yeah, I know it does sound kind of rude. It’s not, um- personal-“ I saw Bruce making an execution gesture at his neck, like- _cut it out._ She quickly stammered- “If you’d like to make a complaint you can send it to our PO box, same address. Thank you.” She hung up, stared at Bruce. “Um, there’s definitely _no_ way we can change that letter. or…?”

Bruce shook his head. “Nope. Gimme a sec, I need to go talk down Mark. We want Mudhoney over in Australia, their record’s gone down better than expected, but the logistics are- well.” He walked off into the office and shut the door. Maura looked at me.

“Hey, so, you got the job. I’m Maura.”

“Sara,” I said.

“You were here before with Jeff Ament,” she said, sounding pretty impressed.

“Yeah. I kind of, um- I guess we have the same circle.” I got my notebook and pen out of my bag and set it on the desk, awkwardly. Tad came out of the little kitchenette, holding a huge mug printed with a weird cartoon chicken logo and big letters that said: _Mitch’s Organic Fertilizer Co_. He stood reading the noticeboard that almost covered one wall. 

“Hey Tad, I caught your show at UDub,” Maura said. “With Nirvana. You were great.”

He didn’t turn around, just shrugged. “Thanks. That tour’s gonna be good.”

“West Coast,” she said to me. “Next month.”

“It’s not Australia, but, guess you gotta take what you can,” he said, putting his mug down on a spare bit of desk and leaning against the wall. “So new kid, why’d you want this gig?”

I stared at him. “Uh- I guess I thought it sounded kind of… interesting?”

“You in college?”

“No. I used to work at like a thrift store.”

He nodded. “Well, they’re gonna tell you I’m a lumberjack, but just remember: this is a bullshit-only zone.”

I didn’t really get it, then. I would, pretty soon.

Right then the office door flung open and Mark came out, totally underdressed for the freezing weather in shorts and a too-small tshirt. He grinned when he saw me.

“You my stalker now, Cleveland? I didn’t know you got this gig,” he said. “Welcome to the fucking mad house, that’s all.”

“Hi,”i said, kind of awkwardly. Remembering his various revelations during Never Have I Ever at the party the other week. I smiled. “Australia, that’s so cool. I always wanted to go.”

“Yeah, seems like we’re never home anymore,” he said, shrugging. “How was the Mother Love Bone show Saturday? You go?”

I nodded. “It was great,” I said, honestly. “Andy was awesome.”

“Good. That’s really good. Oh, hey. Let me just show you how the piece of shit coffee maker works real quick.”

“I can show her-“ Maura started, but Mark shook his head, gestured me over to the little kitchenette off the office. It was full of chaos: a random unplugged ancient-looking microwave on the floor, a couple of toasters and a coffee maker that made the one in my apartment look state-of-the-art. Plus a fuck-ton of random instant coffee jars lined up next to it. 

“Sorry,”he said. “Uh - I just wanted to say, like - Stone and Jeff? That’s a whole fucking thing. I mean you do not want to get into that.”

“Uh, OK.” I tried to focus on the coffee jar labels. Folger’s. Taster’s Choice. Nescafe. _The 100% Real Coffee That Lets You Be Your Best._

“Jerry told me you kinda got in the middle of them. Look, I known those guys for _years_. They have issues. And it’s not my business, but you seem, uh, a pretty cool girl, so. And like, if you want a break from that drama, then-“ He grinned at me, cheekily. And I realised he was like, _looking_ at me. I’d heard he was kind of a lothario or whatever - but he wasn’t actually kind of hitting on me in the Sub Pop kitchen, leaning on a broken microwave, was he?

“OK, um. Good to know,” I said. “I should probably get back to work, though. Since it’s my first day.”

“Cool. Oh, by the way, you just need to punch the coffee maker, like, really hard. It kind of works.”

I got called in to Bruce and Jon’s office at some point. They shared two sides of a big desk with three different phones on it, scribbled notes everywhere. Mudhoney and Nirvana records cheaply framed on the peeling walls. This place, it was like, grunge meets a shitty office from a sitcom. I sat down in the chair opposite them. They both stared at me for a second.

“OK, so,” Jon said. “Welcome. We’re glad to have you, it’s nice to have someone who can string a sentence for once. Now, we’re looking at a pretty busy year already. A lot of our bands are going out on tour and we’ve been kind of riding off of the Mudhoney and Nirvana records a while now, so we want to keep that buzz going, push some of our other artists and get some more records cut this year. Mudhoney just got back from the UK, and did pretty great there. We got Nirvana and Tad on the West Coast all the way down to Mexico next month. So we think we are gonna get a lot of press requests, especially from Europe. About the Seattle Sound.”

It made me think of something Stone said, a while back. _You telling me you haven’t heard of the famous Seattle sound?_

“OK, I’ve heard of that,” I said. They both laughed. 

“Good. That means we’re doing our jobs. So this is what you’re gonna want to understand if you’re gonna be working with us,” Bruce said.

“It’s sort of a, um - _mythology_ we’re building here,” Jon said. “That’s the way we like to think of it. You see Field of Dreams?”

“Uh, the baseball movie?”i said, racking my brains.

“ _If you build it, they will come_. And it’s a shitty - excuse me - it’s a _godawful_ movie, but that’s kind of it. We think the scene here is about to take off. We think that a lot of people have been working their asses off here for a long time and we want to be in the middle of it. Or, at the front, preferably.” He smiled at me. “This Seattle sound? That’s _our_ thing. So we want you to help us out with it.”

“Oh, OK. Um, just to clarify - you like, make stuff up to tell the press, or- what-?“I asked, fidgeting.

“Rock and roll is about myth,” Bruce said, authoritatively. “You ask any journalist. I was talking to Cameron Crowe about this the other day. You know his stuff?” I nodded, enthusiastically. “He gets it. We’re not ‘making stuff up’ so much as creating a buzz here. And it seems to be working because we’re selling a lot to Europe, bunches of CDs with “Seattle” stickers on them, who’da thought it. Since we got an article in the British music press a year ago, you’re hearing people talk about it all over the US, Canada. Not just England, or fucking _Belgium_. They’re talking about _Seattle_. You got A&Rs coming up here most weekends - you know Jeff, right? Mother Love Bone, whether they like it or not, kinda owe us.”

I nodded, slowly. I had a feeling Stone and Jeff would argue with it. But, they weren’t my bosses.

“So we’re gonna need you to be creative,” Jon said, staring at me hard. “If something doesn’t fit, make it fit. We need sentient lumberjacks. We need _edge_.”

“But not too much edge,”Bruce added, also staring at me.

I had this weird feeling, like - _wasn’t this about music? Wasn’t the music good enough without all this? Wasn’t this all kind of bullshit?_ Stone had said it - _that’s a total hype machine over there_. But then, some of these guys were selling a hell of a lot of records. 

“OK,” I said. “I get it.”

“Good. Now we need you to go help Maura stuff a bunch of envelopes.”

It was a long fucking day. By the time I got out, after 5, I’d taken six calls from journalists with the same question: “We wanna know more about the Seattle sound.” It wasn’t a joke, anymore. Clearly. 

The roads were dicey, still flooded in places, and though the harder rain had eased off I was pretty wet by the time I got home. I made a can of soup for dinner then flopped on my bed in my clothes. I wanted to hear about how the Cult show was last night, but I fell asleep and missed Stone’s call. When I woke up, almost late, I threw on another band tshirt and jeans, went in to work. 

A couple nights later, I met Stone at the little park by my building, we watched them take down the Christmas lights and drank coffee. Seemed like the Cult show had been pretty amazing, they even got to go drink on the bus with them after. It was nice to see him so enthusiastic, but like - I still wished so hard I’d been there. 

“What’d you do? Shelter from the flood?” he asked.

“Um- nothing, really. Just got ready for work, y’know.” He wasn’t really asking me about my new job. “Which is going OK. I mean, I got the whole spiel about the Seattle sound, and grunge and stuff.”

Stone laughed. “Oh, yeah. Kept asking me about that in that radio thing yesterday. I have a few interviews coming up, should probably make like, Seattle Sound Bingo or something.”

I pulled my gloves up over my fingers, shivered a little. “Mm. Well, I’m enjoying it so far anyway.” His hand grazed over mine and I couldn’t help smiling.

“Sorry, I probably sound like the biggest asshole,”he said. I shook my head.

“It’s fine. I know things are getting crazy for you guys.”

“Jeez, it’s _cold_ ,” he said.

“Yeah. It really is.” It was late, too. I hadn’t eaten, and I was tired, but I really wanted to be with him. I had to be up early but I didn’t care. I turned to him, kissed him, it felt urgent. “You want to come back with me? Lil’s at Kent or Kyle’s, so-”

He smiled, raised an eyebrow. “Wow, that sounds promising.” 

That night, he made me come so many times I was completely exhausted and went to work on about three hours’ sleep, which was also the first time I witnessed one of Bruce’s epic takedowns. Though it wasn’t me, that time. It was just Maura and some stupid problem with the stapler. _Punk rock, not so much._

The one thing getting me through the week was the Mother Love Bone show at the Central, and Andy’s birthday. All my friends were going, and at least i’d get to see Stone outside my fucking apartment. But Friday evening, Bruce and Jon called me in to the office and said they wanted me to come check out this new band Dickless who were playing before Mudhoney at the OK Hotel. I kind of got the feeling it was not optional.

“All girls. That could be good. It’s like that feminist thing happening in Olympia,”Jon was saying, drawing on a Post-It pad. He was drawing logo ideas for Sub Pop, but they all looked kind of the same to me. “Go check them out then we’ll get on them on Monday. We don’t want C/Z swooping in first.”

“I actually had plans-”I started.

“If they don’t suck and we get them, you write the press pack. Deal?” They were both looking at me. I bit my lip, nodded. When I got home, I called Stone to let him know I couldn’t come, but he wasn’t there- so I called Grace. I felt like shit because Alicia wouldn’t be there and Meg had her mom’s birthday - but I knew there would be a lot of other Mother Love Bone shows, other birthdays, other nights out with Grace. 

##  **JEFF**

A couple days before Andy’s birthday show I bumped into Sara, at Westlake Park downtown. It was a shitty January day and I was keeping my head down, listening to my Walkman. But when I got to the cross walk I looked up and I saw her.

“Hey!” I said, taking my headphones off. 

She looked over. I guess she looked a little panicked. “Oh. Hey. Jeff.”

She looked cold, tired, but pretty. And I still liked her, which was frustrating.

“How’s it going?”I asked.

She kind of shifted awkwardly. “OK, I guess. I’m just taking lunch from work. How are you?”

“Uh, I’m good. I’m really good, actually. You started at Sub Pop already?”

She nodded, her hands shoved in her jacket pockets. I wished I could, like- make her feel comfortable, or something. Nervous, I said-

“You got a sec? We could sit, I just bought pierogis.”

“OK, sure.” 

We walked over to the sculpture and sat on the steps underneath. I dug in my backpack for the paper bag of pierogis, put them on the step between us. She looked at them. 

“You gotta try one. You like pork?”I said. She nodded, and I held the bag out. She took one, bit into it. Her cheeks were pink from the cold. She had a little stray hair blowing out of her ponytail. I wanted to just push it back, but I guess that would’ve been weird.

“Oh. Wow. This is good.”

“It’s a Polish deli in the Market, it’s pretty awesome.” I ate one too. “So how’s the job?”

She kind of smiled, shook her head. “It’s, um- well. It’s a lot to learn.”

“They’re kind of intense.”

“Right?!” She finished the pierogi then immediately went for another one, which was just - real cute to me. “I guess I didn’t expect it to be so, like-“ She shrugged. “Kind of… cynical? I don’t know. They just made me write a whole thing about Tad Doyle’s past, cutting cordwood on Tiger Mountain. Which, um- I mean, the guy has, like, a college degree.” She smiled. “I don’t know.”

“They're selling records,” I said. Thought about Polygram, telling us we had to keep growing our hair out. Suggesting we wear more contrasting colors, more jewellery. “It’s a fuckin’ game.”

“Yeah. I mean, honestly I don’t know what I was expecting. But it’s interesting. I feel totally clueless, like, all the time, but that’s been pretty much my whole life, so,..” She glanced at me, her eyes so bright and pretty, and I was like, _shit._

“Takes some getting used to,” I said. 

“How about you? You still working, or-“she said.

“Uh, no, actually. We all quit our jobs. Gotta focus on practise, doing press, stuff like that. I mean after two years of the early shift it’s actually pretty relaxing.”

She smiled at me. “That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

There was a kind of awkward silence between us. I wanted to say: _hey, so, what happened with us? Can we talk about it?_ I looked at her little hand, her sleeve pulled up over it because she was cold. I wanted to put it inside my jacket.

“I loved the show last week,” she said, at last.

“Yeah. It’s Andy’s birthday this weekend, we’re gonna play at the Central then take him out. You coming?”

“Hope so,” she said.

“They’re talking about us supporting Aerosmith,” I said. _What was i, trying to impress her? I guess I was_. “After the record release. That’d be good.”

“Oh, wow. That’s exciting.”

“I mean, me and Stone’s 1986 selves are super excited right now,”I said, and that made her smile. “Yeah, it is. Feels like we’re back on track.”

“Definitely.” She fidgeted a little. “I saw Mark Arm in the office my first day. He’s… a lot.”

“He’s a big mouth, that’s all,”i said. I had enough distance from the whole Green River thing now to say that. I still liked the guy. We’d been through a lot. And I was happy for Mark and Steve, I felt like they were right where they were supposed to be now, just like me and Stone were. 

A little silence again. Sara looked at me, and saw I was looking at her. We both laughed, awkward. 

“So,” I said.

“So.”

“How’s your Care Bear?” I asked,

“Safe and sound.” She smiled. “That’s still one of the coolest things anybody ever did for me, by the way.”

“You want a full set? Let’s go.”

“That’s OK. My room’s kind of small.” She stared at the floor.

“You doing OK, though?” I asked. “With- everything?”

She looked at me. “I don’t wanna be like, the sad girl. The one people feel sorry for.”

“I just meant-“

“I didn’t mean you.” She put her hand on my arm, I felt it right through my padded jacket. She took it away, quickly. I wanted it back. “Yeah, I’m OK. This new job is actually good for me, and the other night was fun. Although Alicia has gone awol, which is kind of weird.”

I didn’t know that. “Really?”

“Yeah. She just left town right after Christmas.”

I thought about it. Something happened with Alicia and Stone the night of the Showbox. And Chris’ party was some awkward shit between them, honestly. 

“That’s weird,” was all I said. Because, fuck drama.

“And Meg’s moving to LA soon, you know that?”

“Wow, no. I knew she liked it a lot.”

“So I’m kind of losing friends.”

“Well you always got Friend Bear, right?” I rolled up the pierogis in the bag, put them back in my backpack.

“I’m sorry about how things happened,” she said, quickly, like she just wanted to get it out. “Really. For doing that on the phone. I was an asshole.”

“Oh. That’s - OK.”

“I, um- I just have a lot going on.”

“Yeah. I know.”

She stood up, slowly, and then I did too. She came up to like, my shoulder. She was so cute. I remembered how she felt in my arms. Or the way she laughed at the top of the Ferris wheel. I’d been waiting to feel something about somebody else, but I hadn’t yet, not even with all those chicks coming up to us at the Vogue the other night. Maybe I just needed to try harder, open my eyes a little more.

“It was nice to see you,” she said.

“Yeah, it was. Look, um- you’re not losing friends, OK? I mean, you _have_ friends here.” Was it weird or lame? Maybe. But I wanted her to know.

“OK. Thank you.”

I was thinking about the way she turned and kissed me, half asleep, pulled me into her, in the middle of the night. And I just wanted that again. I liked it so much. I wished I could figure out the right thing to say, or whatever. You know? I wanted to tell her: _I get you. I think I really get you._

“Well, I’ll see you,” I said, picked up my backpack.

“You have some spray paints in there again?”she said, smiling.

“Not today. Nice seeing you, Sara.” 

She turned away, walked down the few steps and started to cross the plaza. 

Our next show at the Central, we packed the place. The line was around the block. We played through every song on the new record then people started yelling requests and we just kept playing, it was fun and crazy and when I got offstage I was in the best mood, I couldn't stop touching the other guys, even Stone, he was making me laugh and I didn’t feel mad, I was taking drinks from everyone. It was that insane feeling, like nothing else. That feeling I’d been chasing since I first picked up a bass. Sara wasn’t there. It was just Grace, shy on her own, smiling at Andy’s jokes and drinking faster than I’d ever seen her.

After the show we all went in a group to the reggae and ska night at Fenix, this huge club like a rabbit warren with different rooms and levels. The doorman recognised Andy and just let us all in, the people in the line yelling curses and us drunk enough to yell back. Me and Bruce and Greg did shots at the bar, Andy was twirling Xana on a light up dance-floor. We kept on drinking, spending so much cash, we were all so pumped.

“Twenty-fucking-four, ladies and gentlemen. I’m still alive!”Andy was yelling, as we all held up our drinks. He just had a water. I knew Xana didn’t want him to come here, or didnt want us to drink, but he told her it was fine. “Y’know Ace Frehley wrote Rock n Roll All Nite when he was 24, so I got work to do.”

Bruce had an arm around him, swaying, wasted. “Happy birthday, dude. You fucking _made it_!”

“Happy birthday,” we all yelled out, then, in case anyone thought too hard about what if Andy hadn’t made it. 

At some point I stumbled into the next room and saw Grace watching the ska band on stage. She was alone, drunk, swaying to the music like no one else was there. I went up to her.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Sounding drunker than I thought I was. She looked up at me and smiled, her eyes kind of glassy.

“Good!” she said.”This is actually fun!”

“You doing OK?”

_“Yeah!_ I just decided to apply to art school!” She held up her bottle and clinked it against mine, then finished it all. I tried not to laugh, she was a cute drunk. I carried her home last time she was like that.

“Wow, really? That’s amazing!”I said. I never knew she was that into art school. I don’t know how I didn’t. And I thought it was pretty fucking cool.

“I like this,”she said, pointing at the stage. “This band. I think it’s _important!_ ”

“What?!” I said, bending down to her.

“I said it’s important!”

“Uh-“ I didn’t get it. “I mean, they’re pretty good I guess-“

“You know what it feels like when fucking _no one_ at a show looks like you?”Grace said, totally cutting me off. “It kind of sucks.” 

I looked at the stage again. The sax and bass players were black, which I guess, yeah, was kind of rare to see in a rock club. In Seattle anyway. I looked back at Grace. She wasn’t normally like this. She was that sweet, quiet girl. 

“I mean - I can imagine.”

She laughed. “No, you can’t, Jeff.” 

“I mean, I didn’t actually meet an African American person til I was like, ten. I’m from Montana,”I said. She giggled. 

“Yeah, I noticed. No one looks like you either.” Then she reached out and touched my chest, ran her hand down over my abs. I stared at her.

“I’m drunk,”she said, smiling, shaking her head like she wanted to shake the alcohol right out of her. It made me smile. “ _Really_ drunk.”

“Yeah, I’m drunk too,”I said. “Fuckin’ Bruce, man. He bought a bottle of tequila back there.”

“Thought you guys were all supposed to be on the wagon,”she said, nodding her head to the music. “For Andy.”

“Yeah. I mean, at our shows, we are.” Even drunk, I felt kind of guilty. I didn’t even know where Andy was, this was supposed to be his birthday or whatever.

“I wanna dance,”Grace said. “Where the _fuck_ is Alicia? She should be here! Like, where the fuck-“ She gestured and hit some girl right in the back of the head, I tried not to laugh. “Hey, remember when we went to LA that time?! You and Stone were like our lame dads in the corner! Oh, did you hear the new Chili Peppers record?” She was talking fast. I was staring at her. She was pretty. I mean I always knew that, but she was _really_ fucking pretty. “Jeff? I said did you hear their new record?”

“Uh, no,”I said. My head was kinda spinning. I had this feeling like something was gonna happen. “Sorry, um. Man, I’m - I think… I need to go home.”

She looked at me. “Yeah. Me too. You wanna come home with me?”

I laughed. “You serious?”

“Why would I not be serious, Jeff?” The sax guy finished his solo and everyone was yelling, clapping. Grace was closer to me, again. “You know how fucking tired I am of being the sweet girl all the time?”

And I thought - _well I gotta move on, right?_

“Um. OK, I mean - sure. You want to get a cab?”

“Yeah. Come on.” 

Then she took my hand and pulled me out of the club, pushing past people, like a girl on a mission. We didn’t see anyone we knew, or, I was too wasted to recognise them. We got out front and Grace like ran into the street and yelled at a cab coming past. I pulled her out of the way. 

“ _Jesus,_ be careful!”

She turned to me as I was holding her and kissed me, right there on the street. 

“I’m fine,” she said, pulling away. She tasted so sweet. Her lips were so soft. I was noticing all the time how hot she was. I didn’t let go of her. She felt light, like that time I carried her from the van. The silver chain she always wore was glinting on her neck, under the street lights. I wanted to kiss her again. “Oh. You’re so cute,” she said, smiling, like she’d never noticed before either.

The cab pulled up and we got in, Grace mumbled her address to the driver, I tried to help out but honestly we were both as wasted as each other. She leaned into my shoulder as we went, the streets full of traffic. There was a corny Elton John song playing on the car radio. _You know you can't hold me forever._ It made me think of him. 

“I’m worried about Andy,”she said, then. I looked down at her. She was shaking her head again. Her fingers gripping mine.

“I know. It’s OK. He’s OK,” I said, holding her hand tight.

We pulled up outside her building and I suddenly remembered, real clearly, being there with Sara when we took Grace home that time. That was a while back. Sara wasn’t into it, I needed to move on. When we were in the elevator I pressed Grace against the wall and kissed her, touched her body through her clothes. She was so into it, it was sexy. She wasn’t shy anymore, at all. 

When we got in her apartment I hardly got to notice anything about it because she was pulling me onto the bed, we were kissing, the smell of her perfume and, like, incense or something in her room filling up my head. We were drunk and sloppy, I didn’t know if this was the greatest idea, but we didn’t stop, losing most of our clothes. She was pushing me down, kissing my chest and stomach. I reached for her. 

“Grace, Grace-“ 

She stopped, looked at me. 

“We don’t have to-“ I started.

But then she just came up and kissed me - this incredible kiss - and smiled. 

“I just wanna forget about stuff for a while,”she said quietly. 

I nodded. I got that. She went back to what she was doing, her hands and mouth on me- God, it was insane. I didn’t wanna come too fast, I tried so hard to think of other stuff but it was pretty tough right then. When I was close, she took off her underwear and got a condom from her dresser, gave it to me. I sat up a little and put it on, pulled her to me and kissed her, wanting her so bad. 

“I wanna be on top,”she said softly, and I nodded, guided her onto me and groaned out loud at the feel of her. She was beautiful. It was a whole new Grace. like, I’d known her a few years at this point, but I _liked_ this side of her. I liked the way she kissed me holding my face, the sounds she made. I didn’t last too long, I was too drunk and turned on, but after I pulled out I went down on her until she was moaning out loud, legs shaking. She came so hard I could feel it. 

After, I held her against my chest. We were both panting. She ran her fingers over my beard, which made me smile, then touched my lips. I looked at her, and she kissed me, so softly. 

“That was really nice,” she said, her fingers tracing patterns on my chest. 

It was so good to hold someone again. I wished I could stop thinking about Sara.

“Yeah,”i said, kissing her forehead. “I’m sorry I was so like, fast, I’m really drunk-“ 

She just kissed me again, then shook her head. “That’s OK, you don’t have to apologise.” She nestled into my chest and I closed my eyes, feeling like I could fall asleep right there.

“I’m sorry about Sara,”she said, into my chest, kind of muffled.

“That’s OK,”I said, not wanting to talk about it, even drunk.

“Stone is a fucking asshole sometimes,”she said. I could hear her clearer now. She looked up at me. “I’m sorry.”

I looked at her. Not getting it. “What d’you mean Stone’s a fucking asshole?”

“Oh, just. You know. The Sara thing. That’s fucked up, he should’ve told you at the start. I don’t think he’s being, like… a very good friend.”

My brain couldn’t keep up with it right then. “Sara thing? You mean Sara and me? What?”

“No, Sara and Stone,”she said, laying her head back down and closing her eyes. “You know.” 

I guess my head was spinning a little. I thought, _I’ll figure this out tomorrow_. We both fell asleep pretty quick, holding each other.

The next morning I woke up and Grace was curled on the other side of the bed. I touched her back, my head fuzzy, throat like the desert. She stirred a little, rolled into me. She blinked and opened her eyes. 

“Oh.. hey,” she said.

I really hoped she remembered last night. Should I have just left? “Uh, hey.”

“OK, so - last night-“ she started, but she broke off and just started giggling, covered her face with her hands. “Oh my God.”

I had to laugh as well. “Yeah, well that’s not really the reaction I was going for, but-“

“I’m sorry, I was like, crazy-drunk.”

“You weren’t terrible,”I said, pulled the blankets up a little to cover myself. 

She smiled. “Anyway, this is- kind of weird.”

“I guess so.” Then it was all was coming back to me, I passed out thinking- _Sara and Stone? What?_

Grace was rubbing her eyes with her hand. I swallowed.

“Hey, um- you said something last night, and it kind of - I kind of need to know what you meant.”

She stared at me. “Oh God. What did I-“

“No, um - you said - Sara and Stone - something about… a thing with them?” Her eyes got wide. “You said Stone was a fucking asshole.”

“Oh. Fuck. I didn’t-“

“I mean. It kind of seemed like you were saying Stone and Sara hooked up, and I didn’t know that.” I said it, the adrenaline starting to pump a little.

“Uh.” She shifted away a little. “Yeah.”

“Yeah? What, that’s-“ I stared at her, she bit her lip “Oh. OK.” 

I felt this thing rising up in me like serious panic, or, anger, or - I don’t know.

“Jeff, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to like, make you feel bad, or- fuck. I’m sorry,” she said. She looked worried. And all I could think was, _she’s great, and this is not her fault, so don’t make her feel like shit._

“It’s OK,”I said. I took her hand. “I’m a little surprised, uh - sorry. I liked her. I mean, I had no idea. This was a while back?”

She looked at me, kind of pitying? “Um- you should maybe talk to Sara, or Stone-“

Something told me this wasn’t like a one time thing way back. Anger. Panic. And I thought- _wow. Sara likes Stone better than me. She didn't wanna see me anymore because she likes Stone better. Who said that guy didn’t have everything easy his whole entire fucking life?_

“I should go,”I said. Trying so hard not to be an asshole.

“Yeah.” She looked down at her blankets, fidgeting. I put my hand on hers again. 

“Hey, it’s OK. We were fuckin’ drunk. I won’t say you told me.” I touched her face. She was so beautiful, makeup all smudged away, her hair a mess. Her big eyes. I tried a smile. “I had a good time. Really.”

She nodded, biting her lip. I thought about her on top of me last night, all her inhibitions just gone. The way she wrapped her legs around me so tight when I went down on her, her hands in my hair. My cute friend, who knew. I thought - _maybe there’s a little something here._

But then I got my clothes and left, that panic-anger in me rising up as I waited for the elevator. I didn’t know if I was gonna call Stone up right then, or fucking go to ground in my little apartment for days. It felt like it could be either one.

##  **SARA**

I was at the end of my second week at Sub Pop and I felt dumber than I had in my entire life. I didn’t know how to refill a stapler, how to use a fax, I jammed the printer every time. Plus the fact that whenever I’d written anything, however basic, it’d go into Jon’s office and come back with red cursive all over it, crossings out. 

One day he came over to my desk and said, “You need to use the word ‘grunge’ a little more.”

I would’ve laughed, if I wasn't constantly freaking out about getting fired. “Um.. OK.”

“Here’s the thing.” He picked up a pen and wrote in capitals on a post it note. “GRUNGE. SEATTLE SOUND. SUB POP. ALTERNATIVE.” He stuck the Post It right on my desk, next to my pen. “This needs to be your Bible, OK? Not post-punk, not post-hardcore. Not _art rock_. It’s not heavy metal.” It’s grungy, it’s dirty.”

“Right,” I said, even though none of the bands here sounded much alike at all. “Grungy.”

“If you mention Mudhoney, mention Green River. Mention fucking Mother Love Bone, if you want, Stone, Jeff and Bruce, but not _too_ much. If you mention Nirvana, mention the Melvins, Kurt’s always doing it. Mention Soundgarden, we had them first."

Maura was watching me. So was the other guy, Jason, who was sometimes around the office, helping out with post and merch. Some point that week I’d found out that he was actually in one of the bands, Love Battery, the one Stone had mentioned before. It was crazy to me that you could be in a really cool band and working at your own label to pay the bills.

When Bruce walked away I laughed to myself and Jason came over, dumped some mail on my desk.

“Are you laughing at our glorious leader?”he said, winking.

“I, um - before I started working here my friends said I’d hear all about the Seattle Sound, I guess I didn’t really get what a big deal it was,” I said, opening the letters.

“Friends in bands?”

I nodded. “Um, Mother Love Bone?”

“Get out, I replaced their drummer in my old band. I mean, when he was the old band’s drummer.” He frowned. “If that makes sense. I also went to school with Stone Gossard.”

“Oh, uh- no way,” I said, trying not to smile at the mention of Stone. “Small world.”

“Understatement of the fucking decade, man,” he said. “They should make like a family tree of that shit. Um, also, can you get me the outgoing mail by four today?”

My one achievement was that I sung Dickless’ praises pretty hard after their show, and we got them in for a meeting that week. It was a half empty show, which kind of pissed me off - like, these girls weren’t as big a draw as some band full of guys? But the energy there… It was exciting _._ At the end they threw flowers into the crowd then gave everybody the finger. I told Bruce we had to jump on them, and he listened.

I kept trying to talk about Dickless when we were all at the Vogue the next weekend, but all anyone wanted to talk about was how great the Mother Love Bone show I’d missed had been, and I felt kind of out of it. Plus Meg was kind of crazy, I think she and Mark Arm took something because they disappeared for a while early on, leaving me with everybody else. I missed Grace - she’d said she was too sick to come out. And I missed Alicia. No one knew where she was, still. But most of all I weirdly missed Stone, even though he was right there. We’d had a couple of nights together lately but it wasn’t a lot. And honestly, I just wanted to do something _normal_ with him again. I kept catching his eye, feeling kind of jealous when he talked to everybody else.

Andy was holding court, looking better than ever, megawatt smile, crazy style. Jeff seemed really quiet, and Stone kept being pulled away to talk to people about the band. Eventually I just went to the bathroom, it seemed like no one even noticed. 

Except Stone, who was right there when I unlocked the door and came out. He looked so good to me. 

“Hey. I, um-“ He didn’t finish, just looked around then kissed me, tasting sweet like the Coke he had been drinking all night in “solidarity with Andy”, the cutest thing I ever heard.

I dragged him inside the bathroom, locked the door and turned to him, pulled him in to me. We kissed, hard, needy, our bodies pressing as close as they could get. 

“Ever had sex in a bathroom?”he said, ironically, kissing my neck. I half gasped, half laughed.

“We can’t-“ He was lifting me onto the counter, I was kind of distracted by how gross it was in there. “Stone, wait.” He stopped unbuttoning. “Can’t we just, like- get out of here?”

He stared at me. “We can’t just leave, I mean, that’d be super obvious.“

I stopped what I was doing, frustrated. “Stone, why does it even matter? They probably all know anyway, Jeff’s your _friend_ , it’s gonna be fine. _Why_ can’t we, just-“

“Not tonight, OK?” he said, letting go of me. “We have a bunch of band stuff coming up, I’m not gonna make things weird with Jeff -“

“Right,” I said, cutting him off. I didn’t want to hear again why I needed to be so far down the list of priorities. “ _I’m_ the problem with Jeff.” I thought about what Mark Arm said to me at work. Stone and Jeff. Their _issues._

Stone shook his head, impatiently, then kissed me, softer this time. “Hey,” he said. 

I stared at him. I didn’t want to fight, and we were both really turned on. He touched my lips gently, then slipped his index finger in my mouth, I sucked on it, making him bite his lip. Then he slid it inside my underwear, kissed me softly as he stroked me slowly and insistently, making me cry out quietly, push into it. He curled his finger up inside me, rubbing gently, and I cried out again, he kissed me as he kept going. After I came, I was so aware of the bright lights and the noise outside, the weirdness of the situation. I looked at Stone, and he kissed me again, a little too hard. I gently pushed him away, pulled down my skirt and went to unlock the door, trying to calm myself somehow. 

When I was back in the maze-like club, I almost bumped into Jeff hanging out by the bar, he looked so serious. Not like himself at all. 

“You lose everyone?” I asked, kind of awkwardly. He was holding a beer, and he had another one on the bar next to him.

“Cornell’s around here somewhere, I think,”he said, dismissive.

“You OK?”

“Fine. You?”

_OK, that was weird._ This was definitely not like Jeff, he was so different to the other day at the square. I looked at him sideways. 

“Yeah, I, um - just got lost finding the bathrooms.”

“Right.” He drank some of his beer, looked over the way I just came. “Oh. There’s Stone. Wow, I guess he’s pretty good at this.”

“At what?”

“Getting what he wants.”

I looked at Jeff. He looked, and sounded, weird. “Um, what d’you-“

“Why d’you think Alicia left?” he said.

I didn’t get it. “Uh - what do you mean?”

He shook his head. “Well, Stone was fucking her in the bathroom at Showbox when we were _supposed_ to be picking a support act, so - I guess it’s all about Stone, huh?”

I opened my mouth but nothing came out at all. 

Jeff kept going, not looking at me. “When you were in Ohio, for your dad. I guess they had sex and then she got fucked up about it. You didn’t see the fucking huge hickey on his neck?” I stared at him, the anxiety rising up in me out of nowhere. “I mean, you guys got pretty close, right? So, um, was that before, after, or the same time as you were seeing me, because - it seems like I’ve been pretty… fucking… dumb, here.”

I guess I was pretty upset. I guess the tears coming up behind my eyes were pretty fucking obvious. I’d been in Ohio thinking of him when they put my dad in the ground, and he’d been with her. My best friend. Two years ago? _Bullshit_. I was so _stupid._

“They had sex when I was in Ohio?” My voice came out shaking.

I looked at Jeff, and I kind of saw him soften. I think he knew he was out of line, and however mad he was, he was a good guy.

“Like- _full_ sex?”I said, pathetically.

“Sara-“

“Like…. Oh.” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter, I guess.”

I looked over at Stone, talking to Cornell, like there was nothing wrong in the world. I stared at him. When he saw me with Jeff, us looking like that, he said something to Chris and came over. 

“Hey, I lost you -“he started.

"Save it, man. I know, OK? I know about you guys,” Jeff said, cutting Stone off so cold. He got up, not looking at us. Then, he held out the other beer to Stone. “Here. Think you’re gonna need this.” 

They stared at each other, and after a moment Stone took it. Then Jeff pushed past him, left. 

I stared after him, then at Stone. He was still looking after Jeff, his eyes wide with panic. I was like - _Look at me. Not everything is about your fucking band._

“Did you fuck Alicia when I was in Ohio?”I said. _._

Stone looked at me, confused. “What-“

“Jeff told me,” I said, trying not to let my voice shake. 

His eyes narrowed, he shook his head. “Sara-“

“Just admit it.”

He opened his mouth, then stopped. Took a breath in, then exhaled, looking me in the eyes - at least he did that. Said-

“Yeah.”

I nodded, once. 

He took a step toward me. “I was pissed about you and Jeff. I thought, um... I thought you didn’t want me. I was _drunk,_ you weren’t there-“

“I was in Ohio because my dad was dying,” I said, calm. _How was I calm?_ “Did you ever even, like, _think_ about that? For one second? Like, think about someone other than yourself?”

His face was just… impassive. I couldn’t read him, it was like a wall had gone up between us. “I guess I didn’t.”

“Yeah. I guess you didn’t.” I turned to go. His hand on my shoulder-

“Sara, fuck, I just- it was _nothing_ , I swear to God-”

“Oh, so is that why she left town? Because it was nothing? Is that why she stopped fucking _talking_ to me weeks ago? My _best friend,_ that's-”

He cut me off. “I _know_. Because you fucked Jeff. And it _sucks_.”

I stared at him. Not wanting that to be what he just said.

“OK,” I said quietly.

“I didn’t mean, like-“

“No, it’s OK.” I moved away, tried to stay calm. “You got me.” I shut my eyes for a second, tried so hard not to cry. “Look, I think we both know this isn’t gonna work out. So, good luck. With, um-“ 

I shrugged, not knowing what else to say, then I walked away, blinded by the tears in my eyes. When I got out on the street my ears were ringing from the noise. 

I walked. I just kept walking.


	41. Chapter 41

##  **STONE**

I didn’t go after her, I went to find Jeff. 

He wasn’t in the club. He wasn’t on the sidewalk outside. I went to his building, I buzzed his apartment. No answer so I just kept buzzing it. I was gonna stay there all night if I had to. I knew this was bad. I don’t know how I thought it was gonna work out, not telling him about me and Sara. The only thing I was thinking right then : _I need to talk to Jeff, I need to fix the band._

“Hello?”

“It’s Stone, I need to talk to you.”

“Go home.” Hung up.

I buzzed him again. No answer. Fuck, really? _Five years and we were gonna break over a girl?_ I kept buzzing. 

“I'm done, man,” Jeff said.

“We need to talk.” _Done with what?_ “I’m gonna stay out here, like, all night, so-“

Jeff buzzed and I went in, that adrenaline running through me. He was standing in his doorway when I got out of the elevator.

“Can I come in?”I said.

“Uh… no.”

“OK. Um-” _Fuck, this hurt to say-_ “I’m sorry. About Sara. I should’ve told you.”

He didn’t say anything for a while, then - “What, you couldn’t let me have one thing?”

“What do you-“ I shook my head. “Look, I’m sorry, but I.. like, I saw her-“

“You saw her first?” Jeff was like, shaking his head.

“I mean. Yeah.”

He laughed. And I guess it did sound really stupid. “When?”

“The show at the OZ. The first time.”

“Wow,”he said.

“It was just a weird… thing. Then right before Christmas, we started, um-“

Jeff cut me off. “Look, I know she has some issues, but like - what’s your excuse?”

That riled me. “OK. She fucked you to get in my head.”

He shook his head. “You don’t know her at all, huh?”

“She said it.”

He stared at me. 

“Like you said. She has … issues.” _I’m an asshole._ “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t wanna screw things up for the band some more. We need to work this out.”

“Y’know I think you actually _like_ that secret shit,”Jeff said, “You think we didn’t all know about you and Leesh? For years? And you know what, it’s fucked up, because Sara’s a good girl. She’s _good_ -“

“I know. I know she is,”I said.

“Yeah. Sure you do.”

Just then the guy who lived opposite Jeff opened his door. “Keep it down or I’m calling the super.” He slammed it behind him. 

“OK, you need to hear this. I will be in a fuckin’ band with you, but I don’t wanna deal with you anymore,” Jeff said.

“What does that even-“

He shrugged. “Dude. We’re not friends.”

I mean, I know we had our bullshit, but - _we weren’t friends?_

“I don’t wanna deal with you outside of the band.”

“What?”I didn’t get it.

“ _If_ it even works out,”he said.

“Well, what do you mean - _if_?”I said. 

Jeff looked at me. I couldn’t process it.

“What, so- you not gonna talk to me? What, you don’t want me to, like, come to your birthday party?” 

“We have a contract,”Jeff said. “I’m not gonna renege on a fucking four hundred thousand dollar contract because you got your dick wet, Stone. Is that all you fucking think about?”

“So, uh- what are you saying, you don’t want me to like, send you songs? You don’t wanna work on shit with me?” I sounded pathetic and I knew it.

“What I’m saying is: we’re not friends. I don’t get you, man. Honestly I never did.”

_This was a long time coming, between us._

“You think it’s gonna work, like that?”

“I don’t know,”Jeff said. 

“Um. OK.” 

I knew there wasn’t anything else for us to say. We never knew how to talk. 

He shut the door. I went back down to the street, I walked back to the club. Everyone was still there, like nothing happened. People recognising me, talking about Mother Love Bone. And then it hit me - _Sara._ I didn't even go after her. 

I suddenly wanted to go to see her, make her listen to me. Find some way to show her what I felt, even if I didn’t have a name for it, words for it, or… But the way I was feeling right then? It scared me. I never wanted to feel the way I did after Alicia. Never wanted to let it get that far again. 

I was gonna have to do that thing I learned a couple years back: shut it down. I was gonna be fine. There were always girls. I still had a band. I had enough friends.

“Where’d you go, Stoney?” Chris was wasted. He was at the bar, watching Meg dance with some girls I didn’t know. I realised I had no idea where my jacket was, no idea what time it was. Felt like the longest night of my life.

“Uh, just.. outside,” I said.

“You see Andy? Everyone was looking for him.”

“He go home with Xana?”

“No, Xana was like, freaking out, she couldn’t find him.” Chris was slurring. I felt totally sober now, though. 

“He’s probably just gone home,” I said. It was possible. I couldn’t deal with all the different shit at the same time- _Sara, Jeff, Andy._

“Probably.” Chris was still staring at Meg. “You want a drink?” 

“Um. Sure.”

Meg looked over at me. The way her face changed. I knew she hated me. I turned away, listened to Chris talk about their next tour, only half making sense, thinking - _Sara, Jeff, Andy_. We stayed out all night like when we were kids. 

##  **SARA**

On my way out, stumbling blindly through the tears, Meg grabbed me. “Sara? What the fuck happened, are you-“ But then she saw, she broke off and hugged me close. 

“Stone and Jeff,”i said, gasping, shaking.

“It’s OK, it’s not your fault. It’s OK,”she whispered. 

“I just need to go.”

“You want me to come with you?”

“No. I’m OK.” I pulled away, went for the door. Somehow got home.

The first few days, I kept looking out of the window when it got late. Remembering the jump of my heart when Stone appeared, out of nowhere, that night after I got back from Ohio. The way we were, never letting go of each other; the intimacy of it. But he was never there.

Every night I read old books til I fell asleep over the pages, my light still on, because in the dark of my bedroom I thought too much about Stone, being there with me. And I never lay in bed in the mornings. I’d go for early walks further up the hill, making acquaintances of the dog walkers and mailmen.

And I’d persuade myself, all the time, that me and Stone, our thing, wasn’t real. It was just great sex, and not enough talking. It wasn’t what either of us needed. My friends knew what had happened, but I told them not to ask me about it. Meg just said, _“honestly it’s a relief, you know you deserve better.”_ Grace didn’t say a lot, except that it was _for the best._ She was kind of quiet lately.

Work was what kept me going. I stayed late every day. Tidied the filing cabinets. Fixed up the kitchen. I read self help books in Borders on my lunch breaks, careful not to smudge the clean pages. _Overcoming Toxic Parents. Healing the Child Within. Further Along the Road Less Traveled._ Jon was a tough boss. He wasn’t an asshole, but he knew how to push. That weird line between me and the bands - people I knew from shows or parties, who were also our clients - that was tough. I hid in the kitchen when Mark Arm or Dave from Nirvana were around, thinking about that stupid Christmas party, not wanting to talk about that stupid Christmas party, or to be asked about Mother Love Bone.

But then, there was Kurt from Nirvana. The shy, weird blonde guy I met the day I handed in my review. He was hanging out in the office a lot because he had some weird living situation going on. He’d come back from the kitchenette scalding his fingerless-glove-hands on a cup of coffee for me and sit next to me on the broken extra chair, helping me stuff envelopes. He said it was kind of relaxing. He drew stupid cartoons on my Post-it pad and stuck them around my desk. One day I was cold, and he gave me his filthy old green cardigan. 

We talked about not being from Seattle. About not feeling like you were really from anywhere, the one on the outside. Your memories or your accent not matching up with how you felt inside. Kurt’s hometown sounded like where I grew up, everybody poor and angry. 

I asked him what he thought about Seattle. He laughed and drew a little cartoon of the Space Needle, super-phallic with some suspect liquid leaking out the top. I giggled and crumpled it in my hand, threw it in the trash. “I actually like it,”he said then, shrugging. That grin lighting his blue eyes.

He asked me: “What do you wanna do? Like, really wanna do?”

“I want to write a book or something.”

“You should do that,” he said.

“I guess I’m just really busy… I’m kind of focused on work right now. I need this job.”

He didn’t stop smiling. Shook his head. “ _Exterminate all rational thought_.”

“William Burroughs?”

“Hey, congrats, you just won an all expenses paid trip to Maui.”

“I don’t know. I’m not a writer. I’m just like- a former store clerk. With a notebook,” I said, tipping pencil shavings into the trash.

“Don’t be like that,”Kurt said, picking at the label on an envelope. “You wanna be a writer, say you’re a writer. Be a fuckin’ writer.”

“I don’t think that’s how it really works.”

“Yeah, it is. I wanted to be in a band, I got in a band. Then I was in a band. You want to be a writer, you write, that’s what you do. Doesn’t matter if you’re fucking, like, famous, or if people want to suck your dick, or-“ He looked at me and laughed. “I mean, the girl version of that. Suck your-“

Just then Bruce put his head out of the office. “Kurt, the Melody Maker guy is on the line in my office.” He frowning slightly at me and Kurt cracking up, and the stack of unsent press releases on my desk.

“OK.” Kurt got up slowly and heavily, like an old man. Patted me gently on the shoulder. “This is a bullshit job but you’re still a writer. OK?” he said, close to my ear. The smell of cigarettes and musty wool lingered in the air. 

I smiled, it was probably the first time I’d smiled in what, a week? More?

Then, of course, out of nowhere I ran into Stone in Pioneer Square. 

I was on break, going to buy Band Aids for the blisters I got from the new boots I bought with my first Sub Pop pay check. I looked up from putting change in my pocket and he was there. I quickly walked the other way.

“Sara, will you please just wait?”

I turned around. “I have to go back to work.” I didn’t look at him. I didn’t know what it’d do to me.

“Can I just talk to you for a second?”

“I- _God,_ Stone.“ I shook my head. All the thoughts I’d had lately running through my head. What he said at Chris’ party about him and Alicia: _It was like, two, three years ago. “_ You lied to me.”

“I know. I’m, um- I’m really sorry.”

“Why?” I stared at him. I needed to understand.

Stone pushed his hand through his hair, it was messy, looked like he hadn’t washed it in a couple days. “Because that thing with her, it was... messed up. It just happened. And it was fucking nothing to me, I didn't even _like_ it-”

“Did you, like … did you come?” I said quietly, made my hands into fists.

He stared at me, kind of disbelievingly.

I shrugged, llke- _I don’t know._ “Yes or no.” 

But he didn’t reply, and I guess I knew the answer. “Why didn’t you tell me before? You didn’t think I’d find out about it?”

“I didn’t think anything. I just… wanted..” He shook his head.

“ _What?_ ”

“I wanted it to be you. I was thinking about you.”

And if you think that kind of thing would make you feel better - it doesn’t. Actually it kind of felt worse.

“You still love her?” I asked. “Like- just- be honest, OK?”

Stone stared at me. “No! It wasn’t-“ He stopped, sighed. “Look, I don’t think that thing, before, was… love. But no. I _don’t._ It wasn’t like that, at all.”

“Right.”

We stood there, not knowing what to say next. The searing awkwardness, how self conscious I felt, I could feel my face heated with it. I thought how easy it would be to just say _yes, I miss you. Let’s forget about it all._ But I’d been lied to before. It had become so normal to me, I still had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t.

“It’s not just about that,”i said. “This is just a mess. _I’m_ a mess. You know I went and slept with Jeff the _day_ after you? Because I wanted to move on?” I laughed, totally humorless. “I don’t know why I did that. I thought I was like, a _good person_. I guess I’m not.” 

An ambulance roared past, the sirens echoing in my ears.

“I think you are a good person,” he said.

I shook my head. ”The thing is, though-“ I gathered up all the courage I had. “With Jeff- it’s just - we _both_ fucked up. But you guys have _work_ to do together. If there’s any way to fix this, then… I don’t think I can be in the middle of it.”

“Yeah.” He was staring down at the sidewalk.

“Don’t call me. OK? Just… please, don’t. Don’t come to my house. Don’t call me.” _Even though he hadn’t._ “You’re a really great band. I really hope it all works out for you.”

He shook his head, came closer to me. “Sara, just-“

“It shouldn’t be this hard,”i said, looking at him intently. “This stuff… I always thought it was supposed to hurt, supposed to be hard. It’s not. It _shouldn’t_ be.”

I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I didn’t think he had any idea what I was talking about. “I’m gonna go.”

I turned around before he could reply, quickly walked up the street, not even sure if I was going in the right direction back to work.

One day, I met Cameron Crowe in a coffee shop in Queen Anne. He got my number from Grace, said my friends had sung my praises and he had to speak to me, which lifted me up, just a little. I’d asked not to meet at the Raison, made up some excuse. The place was small and crowded, when I got in the steamed up door I spotted him in the corner, scribbling in a notebook.

“Hi,”I said, slightly awkwardly, coming over. 

“Oh, hey Sara. Thanks for coming.” He stood up, gentlemanly, which made me smile. He was like a cool young teacher, something like that. The kind of guy i’d have obsessed over when I was fifteen and lonely as hell.

“That’s OK.”

“Coffee?”

“Um- please. Just black,”I said, taking off my coat. He went to order at the bar, and I tried not to read his notes, although it was kind of surreal to me to be here, with someone I’d admired for so long. Seeing his ink-stained pages, the random crap spilling out of his backpack - a crumpled water bottle, what looked like a plastic rain poncho, a loaf of bread he must have bought for later. I was still checking it out when he came back with the coffee and set it on the table.

“Thank you.” I took a sip of the too-hot liquid, felt it scald my throat, shock me back to life after another day on the phones and drafting a release about the Mudhoney tour, Bruce and Jon arguing with their lawyer for hours through the thin wall that separated their office. Maura chewing gum compulsively, all day. It was like being in a weird little bubble. It was nothing like any job I’d done before.

“So. Thanks for meeting me. Hopefully your friends have reassured you I’m not some kind of serial killer.”

I warmed my hands on my coffee. “Yeah, I mean there’s a few of those in Washington apparently.”

“I’m sadly just a hack turned desperate director,”Cameron said, winking. I resisted the urge to act like a crazy fan and ask him a bunch of questions about his book, which had pretty much got me through high school. I wondered what kind of a movie he was planning on making. “Anyway, I guess i’d like to know something about your life here. You work in a store?”

I thought about what Kurt said. _You wanna be a writer, say you’re a writer. Be a fuckin’ writer._ “Ah, actually, I’m kind of a writer,”i said, trying not to blush when I said it. Cameron looked up at me from his notes. He’d written SARA and underlined it 3 times. He smiled.

“OK. That’s interesting. What do you write?”

“Well, at the moment I mostly write, um, press releases. For Sub Pop Records.”

“Very nice. Bruce is a good friend of mine.”

“But, um- I think I want to write, like - books.”

“Novels?”

“Yeah. I mean, that's what I like to read.”

Cameron raised an eyebrow. “OK. Well, that’s great. And you’re friends with the Sub Pop bands?”

“I mean, kind of. We’re in the same circle.” I could’ve guessed that was all he would want to talk about. _I mean, like he cared about my writing? The Hollywood guy?_

“OK, so tell me about that. You’re going to work in the day, you’re seeing shows at night. Grace said you used to work in a thrift store?”

“Yeah,”I said. “It was pretty terrible.”

“Terrible how?”

“I mean, the money sucks. It’s pretty mindless. The customers can be really awful, like- trying on the shoes with no socks, um - donating like, bags of old underwear, or-“ I tried to think of some funny stories but I was kind of drawing a blank, I wasn’t exactly in the mood. “Well, anyway.”

“OK.” Cameron tried a different tack. “So tell me about the music scene here. You know Stone and Jeff?”

_Fuck._ “Um. Yeah, I guess I do.”

“What do you think of Mother Love Bone?”

“Uh, they’re great. I’ve seen them play a couple of times.”

“And Soundgarden?”

“Yeah. Um. Great.” I tried to be more articulate, I felt like I was being a really disappointing subject. “There’s a lot of bands in the city, it’s cool,"i said, lamely. 

Cameron stared at his pages. He hadn’t written a lot down. I drank some coffee, there was an awkward moment. _Why was I like this? I sounded completely dull and worthless, I had nothing to offer, why was he even talking to me_ \- the old thoughts resurfacing, like they’d never gone away, just been waiting under the surface. And then I thought- _No. Fuck that._

“Can I ask you a question?”I said, slightly shakily putting my coffee cup down. He glanced at me.

“Of course.”

“What is your movie actually about?”

Cameron stared at me, for a minute. Then he smiled. 

“You know you’re the first person who’s asked me that.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “The fact is…” He rubbed a hand over his face, I noticed he looked kind of tired. He needed a shave. “Well, I don’t exactly _know,_ yet. I think I mentioned when we met the other week, I’ve been nosing around here for a story, and certainly there’s no shortage of interesting people here, interesting stories, and this city- well, it’s home to me now. I love this city.” I could tell he really meant it. “But nothing’s really stuck yet. I don’t know if I want to tell a band story, a story about young people making it, or, like, a romance-“ He shrugged. “In my head it’s kind of a combination of all of those, but I need the angle. It’s the angle.”

“What about a friendship story?” I said.

“Go on.”

“I mean-“ I thought about where I was a year ago. I had thirty five dollars and seventy five cents in my checking account. I had a backpack with a broken zipper, full of clothes that were too big for me because I stopped eating. I had a bruise on my cheek, I had no winter coat because I left it in the apartment that used to be mine and Logan’s, and he wouldn’t let me back in. I had no parents, no friends. I’d lost everything. 

“I mean, I can only speak for my own story. And I’m not saying it’s interesting, or like- useful, or-“ I shook my head, _stop_. “Well, anyway. I guess the fact is that I was in a bad place at the start of last year, I was single after a bad relationship, I moved into an apartment with this girl I didn’t know, and I was working in this awful store and I just, I felt like my life was over, I didn’t know how to get it back. That sounds dramatic, but that’s how it felt.” I remembered long lonely walks, always feeling on the outside. Playing the same old tapes til they wore out. Then that day in the store. The throwaway dress, Alicia’s smile. _You want to meet some new people?_ And even though I was so mad at her right now, I smiled at the memory - because that was the start of everything. 

“Then, I met these girls. And they became my friends, and I guess they gave me their friends too. And I mean, Grace got me that job at Sub Pop. Alicia - she’s our other friend- she just, she gave me a chance, like out of nowhere. And it was like… it was like they gave me a home. It was like I wasn’t, um - I wasn’t on an island anymore. Does that make sense?”

“We _need_ people,” Cameron said.

“Yeah, we do,”I said. “I felt like I wasn’t alone, and now I love this city too. I mean, romance is great, but, um - well, I guess it’s not the only thing.” 

“That’s an interesting idea.”

“Thanks.” I drank some coffee, feeling shy all of a sudden. I watched Cameron scribble some stuff down. I wondered what he was thinking about. It was probably kind of lame. _A friendship story_. Like I was doing great in that area right now? Alicia was… somewhere. Meg was about to go to LA. Jeff and Stone… well. I guess we were never friends.

##  **MEG**

I was so done. With all of it. The “scene”. The posing. The shitty clubs and the shitty weather and the fact that I could never make anything of myself here, never hold on to anything good. My dad. My brother Conor. Even Chris, I guess. 

Jack said I could stay with him in LA as long as I needed. He’d sounded a little better on the phone. 

“I’m bringing all my cooking stuff and you’re gonna get fat,”I said, on speaker as I packed up my room. 

He laughed. “You gonna be my bubby?”

“I’m gonna be your Irish grandma with a carb problem.”

“That sounds good to me.”

I bought a pink bikini at Target with question marks all over it. It made me smile. I threw all my shitty overwashed sweaters in the trash. Grace kept asking me, _what do you wanna do before you leave?_ She had a lot of free time since she stopped seeing Charles recently, but Sara was working overtime. And the thing was, I didn’t really wanna do anything except work and then hide out in my room.

The Soundgarden show at the Vogue was my last chance to see Chris; but he was in one of his down moods, and I didn’t have my girls there to make it fun. In fact, Chris was kind of blanking me since Christmas. Which I got. I mean, thank fuck we didn’t have sex, right?

I looked around the room, all the same old faces. I drained my beer, listening to Andy kingpin it as usual, surrounded by people laughing at everything he said. I wasn’t laughing.

“-So I open up the fortune cookie and it says - _If you look back, you’ll soon be going that way._ Like, what the fuck?” Andy says, throwing up his hands. Everyone was cracking up. “Thought those things were supposed to be light hearted! I’m a junkie, I need a little _encouragement_ or something.”

“Tough love, man,”Greg said. 

“Listen to the cookie.” That was Chris.

Xana kissed Andy on the cheek. He never stopped smiling, like it was glued to his face. But I knew he wouldn’t have said anything if it didn’t freak him out a little. That was Andy. _Put a happy face on it._

“You probably shouldn’t joke about that,”I said, cutting through the laughter. Kind of aware of Chris looking at me. 

“I mean - what else are you gonna do?”Andy said, not missing a beat.

“How about get your shit together and not joke about being a junkie?” I said. 

I could hear people like, _what the fuck_? I didn’t care. I’d seen what happened to the people left behind. I remembered picking up the phone to Jack and the sound of his voice. _Hillel’s gone._ And how I was like - _no, but he was doing great. He can’t be gone._ I really thought he was fucking invincible. So I wasn't gonna be like all the rest of them, pretending it was fine, that nothing happened. I wanted - no, I _needed_ Andy to fucking take it seriously. Because anything else was just not enough. Jack still wasn’t OK. He might never be OK again.

“Shit is together,” Andy said, looking at me. This little edge creeping in to his voice. 

“Then don’t fucking joke about it,” I turned around and walked away. I thought, _this is the last time I’m ever gonna be in this stupid club_. Then before I got to the door I heard my name.

“Hey Meg!”

I turned around. _Stone._ Jesus, he irritated the crap out of me. The way he messed around with Alicia, with Grace, with Sara. The way he always seemed to be on the winning team, since high school. He hadn’t even called Sara. I wanted to fucking kill him.

“ _What,_ Stone?”

“I know you think I’m like, an asshole.”

“Yeah. I do.”

“But you can’t talk to Andy like that. OK? You can’t say shit like that to him. He’s in recovery, we’re all doing what we can for him, and he’s _good_ now, you can’t just… well that wasn’t cool, OK?”

I stared at him. _Was he really doing this? He was here to lecture me?_ I laughed out loud. I could see it pissed him off. 

“Wow. Are you for real?”

“Uh, yeah. I am.”

“Where the hell do you get off, Gossard? I mean, what? What is it with all you guys?” I was thinking about our school, I was thinking about Steve, about Alicia, all those kids. “Is it, like, cos you’re beautiful? Cos your parents have money? What?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You have some big balls, man. I mean at least you’re putting them to better use right now than your normal just like, fucking anything with a pulse.”

He laughed, totally humorless. “Don’t talk to Andy like that, OK?”

“What, ‘cos god forbid your singer gets “sick” again and you don’t have a band?”

His eyes narrowed. “That’s bullshit.”

“ _Is_ it?” I shook my head. “What are you guys actually _doing_ for Andy? Except just like, booking shows, trying to act like the last couple months didn't happen? And it’s all some joke now?” _Hillel, coming up for air in that swimming pool at the Beverley Hilton. The sun coming up behind him, him laughing and shaking his head like a dog; the fullest life I ever saw._

“I bet you think he’s like, invincible,”I said. “I bet you think he’s fucking magical, right? Well, he’s not. That’s the big secret. He’s _not_ magical. And you guys should remember that.”

Stone was just looking at me. I thought, _I still don’t get it. He’s cute, but he’s just a boy. He’s a fucking boy._

“Have fun in LA,”he said, totally neutral.

I nodded. I didn’t have anything left. I turned away, went to the bathroom and sat in the stall for a long time, ignoring the drunk girls getting mad outside.

##  **STONE**

Jeff didn't show up to practise, a couple of times. I guess it was starting to become kind of an in-joke. Which weirdly was like a bonding kinda thing, because it was the first time me and Greg had actually laughed at something in a while. At least Bruce had got his shit together with the songs he’d been flailing at. Andy had a new keyboard, he spent some of his advance on it now the label finally fucking paid us something, and he was playing us some of his new stuff. It was a little less heavy, a little more of a Zeppelin direction, melodic and kind of cool. When he was done Greg just nodded, didn’t say anything. I guess it wasn’t very like, _us_. 

We played a show in Tacoma the last week in January. Jeff drove the van, I sat in back with the gear and Andy. He was keeping it light, but the atmosphere kind of sucked. It made me anxious, the way stuff had been with Jeff. Not talking, except at practice in front of the other guys. It made me realise we used to call each other up a lot. I wasn’t sleeping great. I was writing songs in the attic, late at night. 

When we got to the place, I remembered playing there with Green River and Malfunkshun and Soundgarden. Mark climbing the PA. It all seemed stupid now, like kids playing. We were tight though, it was a good show. The front row full of girls pressing right up to the speakers. And after the show they were everywhere, seemed like. 

We weren’t drinking, but Andy said it was fine - and then we were. At some point I was outside with some dark haired girl, by the wall. I didn't really want it - and then I did. 

Her hands kind of shook when she touched me. She was nothing like Sara. I couldn’t stay hard. Then I could hear Andy yelling my name.

Back on the bus he had to drive because the rest of us were wasted. That feeling after a show is so fucked up, the ringing in your ears and the exhaustion and the adrenaline. Whatever good or bad feeling you have, just magnified. We left the van at Andy’s and stood there on the sidewalk. It was after midnight. 

I felt like I needed to see Sara. Like I needed her so much, right then.

“You walking to Capitol Hill?”Greg said.

Jeff was getting his bass out of the van. I shook my head. “Um ... no.” 

I said a quick bye to Andy, then took my guitar and walked in the direction of her house, all the way there.

I got right to her building. The lights were off in her apartment. I stared at the window, I don’t know what I was expecting, or wanting. I thought about going to the buzzer. 

Then, what she said: _Don’t come to my house. Don’t call me._

I had no cash for a bus or a taxi. I walked the way back to Andy’s, rang their apartment. Xana opened the door, blinking. 

“Hey, Stone.” She made me a bed on the couch, didn’t ask questions. Everything rolled off of her, like she’d seen everything. The sound of the fountain in the courtyard made me fall asleep. 

Soundgarden were playing a home show before they left town, again. That was the night Meg finally told me what an asshole she thought I was. Tried to fuck me up about Andy. _I bet you think he’s fucking magical, right? Well, he’s not. That’s the big secret. He’s not magical. And you guys should remember that._ I didn’t want to, but I kept thinking about what she said.

“You OK?”Chris said quietly when I came back. I nodded, needing another drink.

“And Ian’s like, ‘no I ain’t givin’ you a fuckin’ interview, you knob-head’”,Andy said in this stupid British accent, doing Ian Astbury. Still talking about the Cult show even though it was weeks ago. “And Stoney, your fucking face was just- man I hope Josh got that on video.” Everyone was laughing, Andy was grinning at me, and normally I would’ve found that funny, but - I just shrugged.

“I thought he was gonna get you guys escorted from the building,”Andy said.

“I mean, you all wouldn’t have even been back there if it wasn’t for us,”I said. 

“Weren’t you stuck outside for like the first hour?”

Everyone laughed. Even Jeff. And that made me so angry, because he hadn’t spoken to me for fucking weeks.

“Y’know Ian thought you were a chick,”I said to Andy. 

Xana kind of glanced at him, but he didnt stop smiling.“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, like a really gnarly biker chick. He was like, ‘who’s the fat dyke’?” My British accent, probably worse than his. 

Maybe it was a little too far. Andy looked down, laughing like _ha-ha-ha_. I dont know why I said that to him. It was just a joke. I was kidding. Xana kissed him, smiled up at him.

“Well, this fat dyke is going to the bar. Who wants to buy me a sugar water?” Andy recovered. A couple people said yeah, but I was like- “I will.” 

We went to the bar, we couldn’t get near it. I wasn’t drunk enough to still be here. Someone recognised Andy and started singing Holy Roller at us; Andy loved that. And my mind was still on Sara. Things kept flashing up, times I’d been with her. I missed her. I wanted to talk to her, be near her. _Why did I still need that?_

“Jeez, it’s just like- I feel like I exist, y’know?” Andy was happy, excited. “Like, finally I fucking _exist_ , because some drunk guy knows my name. Crazy shit.”

“Why’d you tell me not to talk to Jeff?”I said, random.

“What?”

We got to the bar. I was so mad all of a sudden. “Can I get a Coke and, um -“ _fuck it_ “a double Jamesons.”

“I don’t care if you drink.”Andy was saying, even though I already ordered it. I didn’t say anything. I paid and left his drink on the counter, went to go.

“Stoney, where are you-“ He pushed after me. I stopped.

“Why’d you tell me before, hold on to Sara, all that shit about, I don’t know, _love is all you need_. And then it’s, _don’t tell Jeff_. What was that?”

He stared at me, the smile frozen on his face. “Why’d you listen to me?”

I stared at him. “You told me not to talk to him.”

“Dude, Sara’s not here because you fucked her best friend when she was out of town. That’s on you. Besides if you wanted to tell Jeff, you’d have told him, I fuckin’ know you. Just be cool, man. She’ll come back.”

The whiskey was burning my throat, I drank so fast. Like, the whole thing. 

“I mean, I hope so, because if we fuck this up with the band again, I literally have nothing else going on.” 

After I said it, there was kind of an awkward moment.

Andy was staring at me. “You know how many alcoholics I met in rehab? A lot.”

“Yeah?” I didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t said the word _rehab_ in a while, no one did.

“A lot.”

I was getting so tired of how we were. Conversations getting nowhere, stuff we didn’t say. 

“I’m gonna go. I need to like, sleep more.” I put my glass down on a random table, turned to go. Then Andy said-

“Hey Stoney, you wanna, um - do something this week?”

I looked at him. We had a couple of interviews, practise. Between that we didn't really hang out anymore. We hadn’t, just us, for a long time. We used to all the time.

“We could go to the Island. Go to the pier, maybe. Y’know my mom will freak, I think she likes you,”he said.

I couldn’t stay mad. I never could. “OK. Um, sure.”

“Attaboy. I’ll call you.” Then he was gone, before I could say anything else.

That night when I got home, after midnight, I called Sara. I had to. 

It rang and rang. Maybe I’d get her pissed off roommate. But I didn’t. It was Sara, sleepy. I could picture exactly how she looked and it killed me. 

“Hello?”she said, quietly.

“Hey, um- hey.” _The sound of her voice_. “It’s Stone.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“I know you said not to call you, but - i, um. I had to.”

She didn’t say anything for a minute. “Why?”

“I just… I…”

The silence crackling on the line.

“I miss you.”

She sighed.

I said, quickly - “Do you wanna, like - try again? We could just, we could just do this. Jeff knows, everybody knows, and um, as far as the band, we have a contract and stuff, Jeff knows that. It’s gonna be OK. Like, I think it would be.” I was talking too fast. “I wanna try this. I miss you.”

“Stone.”

“You don’t have to say yes, like, now. You could, um. Think about it.”

Another long silence. “OK.”

“OK.”

“I have to go. I have work tomorrow.”

“Right.” I cared about it. I wanted her to know I thought about her. Like, all the time. But - “Just call me, um. If you want to talk, or-”

“OK.”

“OK.”

After she hung up I lay in bed with my headphones on, listening to The Cult on loop, because it made me think of her. And I really wished i’d asked her to that show. I couldn’t believe I didn’t ask her to that show.

##  **SARA**

Then Meg was leaving. I don’t know how that happened. I knew I hadn’t made enough effort, spent enough time with her the past few weeks. I just felt like I had tunnel vision. Me and Grace went over to her apartment to say goodbye. Meg was already out by her car, ready. Stuffing her life into the back seat.

“I’m going to _LA!_ ” she squealed as we went to her, helped her put the last of her stuff in the car.

“You know you can still change your mind,”Grace said, smiling. Meg rolled her eyes and grinned.

“Dude, mentally I am already on the beach. You just need to get yourself a new bathing suit, OK?” 

She hugged Grace, hard, bending down a little to her height. I stood there, looking at the car crammed with stuff, mostly trash bags full of clothes, stuff like that. On the passenger seat were boxes of Giggles cookies, diet soda cans, random mix tapes. It reminded me of when I left Ohio at dawn with Logan. That was only about a year ago, but it seemed like a whole other life. Meg kissed Grace on the cheek then looked at me, smiled.

“Well, it’s been real,”she said. I held my arms out and she pulled me into a hug. “Wanna come?”she whispered, and I smiled into her neck, breathed her in. Gum, shampoo and Exclamation. I was gonna miss her. 

“What are we gonna do without you?” I said, smiling. She shrugged.

“I don’t know, but just don’t fuck Jeff or Stone,”she said, her eyes sparkling. “Come visit me, Jack has hot surfer friends.”

I smiled, nodded, even though I felt that pull of sadness. She got into her car and shut the door, started it up. She rolled down the window and you could hear Aerosmith playing. _Lovin’ you has got to be, like the devil and the deep blue sea._ “You hear Mother Love Bone are supporting them this year? Probably the only time I’m not gonna wanna see Aerosmith play,”she said, shaking her head.

“Bullshit, you’re gonna be calling up Jeff for passes,”Grace said, smiling. Meg laughed, rolled her eyes.

“I’ll call you when I get to San Francisco,”she said, blowing us a kiss. We blew some back, watched as she pulled out of the drive, narrowly avoiding the overflowing trash cans at the gate. We stayed there watching her drive away.

“Well,”Grace said, trying to be bright.

“Well.”

“You wanna go see a movie or something? Internal Affairs is supposed to be good,”Grace said, fidgeting with her gloves.

“Um-“

“I totally love Richard Gere.”

I knew she wanted me to say yes, so I did. We walked to the Coliseum, stood in line shivering. She seemed quiet, like something was on her mind. I was, too, I guess. I kept thinking about Stone. Him calling me the other night. What it did to me. I kept turning it over and over in my mind.

“What’s up?”I said eventually.

“Oh, um. Just… nothing,”Grace said.

I wondered if it was something to do with Charles, that photographer guy she’d been seeing a bit. Grace was so private about all that stuff. I didn’t want to pry, but- “Everything OK with that guy?”

She stared at me like she didnt know what I meant.

“Um… Charles?”i said.

“Oh!” She shook her head. “Yeah. That’s not really… um, it’s not like, a thing. He has some assignment in San Francisco and I’ve been really busy, um… just with… stuff, so we’ve kind of called it off, I guess.”

“Stuff?”

“Just some art stuff.”

“Oh, OK. I’m sorry, are you-”I started, but Grace just shook her head, violently. Maybe she just really missed Meg. But I guessed she didn’t want to talk about anything serious. 

So we talked about Richard Gere, about popcorn flavors. We talked about Grace’s little sister’s ballet recital, how cool it would be if she got a place at the PNB summer school.

After the movie, me and Grace said goodbye as it got dark, went our separate ways. I found myself walking to Kerry Park. I hadn’t been there in months; maybe it had even been a whole year by now. I used to go up there all the time, when Logan was too much to be around and our home felt like anything but. I’d sit on the bench overlooking the city, the tiny flickering lights of planes, cars, buildings. All those other lives. Now, my battered Chucks slid on the wet grass, I kept my head down, feeling that weight in my chest that wouldn’t go away. Thinking, _I could just go home. It’s fucking freezing. All of this is just self pitying bullshit._

There was already somebody on my bench. 

I stopped next to it, my heart pounding in my chest when I saw him. He looked so much smaller than he did on stage.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Andy said.

“Um… you mind if I sit?”

Andy shook his head, hunching into his coat. 

I sat down next to him. 

“You OK?” I asked.

“Yeah. Just, uh. Troubles.” 

When I looked at him I saw a little bruise on his face in the moonlight, the saddest eyes. 

I wasn’t going to ask him questions. I knew finding the words to have conversations like that wasn’t easy. I knew what it was like. 

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Just takin’ the air.” His voice was still bright. Like a game show host. That was how he talked all the time.

“Yeah, me too.”

There was a dog barking somewhere nearby. A cold breeze that made me shiver. And this feeling, like he wasn’t really OK. 

I looked at Andy. He just shoved his hands in his pockets, sighed. “You wanna hang out here with me for a while?” he asked. “We don’t have to talk.”

“Um... sure. Yeah. I guess we could do that.”

We both looked out at the city for a while, not saying anything. And when he put his hand over mine, on the bench, I didn’t pull away. The weight of it, reminding me that I wasn’t that lonely girl anymore. Just like the scrunched up photo of me, Grace and Meg I found in the lining of my bag when I was fumbling for my keys at my door, finally home.

That night I stood in front of the phone for a while thinking. _What do I do? Keep going. Did I let it crush me? My dad? My boyfriend? All those hours in soulless jobs, marking time?_

Then I dialled his number. Praying his mom didn’t pick up again.

“Hello?” 

_Stone._

“I thought about what you said, um -“ I clenched my fist as I said it. “I don’t wanna, um. Try again. I’m gonna just try and move on. OK?”

There was a pause.

“OK,” he said, heavy.

“You should, too. I think it’s better.” I hung up, that lead weight in my chest.

_If you’re going through hell, keep going._ My English grandma, making tea in her tiny kitchen. She loved that saying, loved Winston Churchill. She came to Ohio with nothing but a promise from an airman, eighteen years old, reeling from a war. And his temper, and his drinking, and his other women - none of it broke her. That’s how I knew my mom would be OK, someday. It’s how I knew I would be.

##  **STONE**

Andy told me to meet him at Bainbridge at 4, he said he was staying at his mom’s for a couple days. I thought that was a little weird since he had only just moved in with Xana, but I didn’t say anything. 

It was cold and clear, coming over to the Island the next day. I stood out on the deck, like we always used to when we went over there for parties, I remembered Regan tripping out, trying to hold him back from the barriers before he went in the water, or kissing Alicia in the shadows of the deck, the way she’d always leave me so turned on like it was a total joke to her and then i’d have to just like stand in the cold trying to think about anything else, watching the city lights get smaller. 

The sun was going down, slowly. I felt like there was a weight on me, since last night. She was done. I had her and I lost her. I had to live with it. And I was thinking about the fact me and Jeff hadn’t had a conversation since that day. And about Tacoma, the way he avoided me, shut me down when I tried. But I mean - we played great though. So. 

Andy was at the terminal, he had his fur coat on and sunglasses, people were looking as usual. He was carrying this huge backpack over one shoulder. 

“What you got in there, a body?”i said. 

He hugged me. Like I didn’t just see him yesterday. “Something like that.” 

We walked to his car. You had to have a car on the island. It was his mom’s car, really. When we’d come over and see Andy and Regan she’d drive us all out in the woods and just leave us there, she was the cool mom who didn’t ask too many questions. I barely remembered any of those times. I guess we were pretty young but it seemed like everyone was doing everything, it wasn’t like, a _problem_. I mean I never had to go to rehab or whatever. Most of us didn’t.

“How’s your mom?” I asked. 

“Carol Brady?” We both cracked up at that. “Nah, she’s good. She’s doing OK. She wants to see you. _How’s little Stoney?_ She loves you.” 

He swerved a little too close to the middle, he was a sucky driver, but the roads were quiet and the limit was 20 all the way round, something nuts like that. We didn’t talk a lot, just a bit about practice, his mom, his new place. We didn’t talk about Sara, or Jeff, or Xana, or why he was back on the Island. When he took his shades off he had a bruise just above his eye, which - I didn’t ask about that either. 

We went to his mom Toni’s trailer. She gave us lemonade that tasted a few days old, packaged cookies. There was stuff everywhere. Stuff from magazines stuck all over the walls. But it was so clean, it smelled like Clorox and Lysol, even the sofa. There was a sleeping bag on there, so I guessed Andy wasn’t staying long. Things were probably fine with Xana. 

Toni kept just getting up from her seat and hugging Andy. She wanted to hear all about the band, the record, the tour, she kept saying, _it’s so exciting, it’s so incredible, it’s wonderful, it’s so wonderful_. When we talked about the past couple months she just said “when Andy was away”. 

But she was just everything good in Andy, you saw it. When we left she hugged me so close and said, “Thank you, honey”. And for the first time in literally weeks, I felt good about myself.

Andy wanted to go to the old pier at White Point. He parked by the nature reserve, just left the car at the side of the road. I guess he figured no one would wanna steal it. Then he picked up the backpack and put it over his shoulder, we crossed the road to the stony beach that edged the island. He used to say, _I’m never gonna leave Seattle, I gotta be near the water. Do my best thinking there._

“So who are we burying?”I pointed at his bag.

“Uh, I found a new bassist. Someone a little more reliable. This is actually Jeff’s head.”

That made me laugh. 

There were no boats out on this part of the water. The tide was coming up high. We walked along the beach for a while, quiet. 

“I called Sara the other night,”i said. 

“Oh yeah? _Tell me Mr golden words, how’s about the world_ ,”Andy sang, grinning. “You find them golden words finally?”

“Um. Not exactly. I just like, asked her if we could give it a shot.” I kicked a stone ahead. “She called me last night, said no, so-”

“Oh. Shit.” He was kind of thoughtful. “I’m sorry about that. I, um. I been thinking, I freaked out before. About you and Jeff, and - probably shouldn’t’ve got in the middle of your Sara thing.”

“Yeah. I mean, that’s not the only, like, thing.”

“Yeah. But dude, the bathroom at Showbox? That is fucking _nasty_.” He smiled, and I had to as well. Fuck him, honestly. 

“Uh huh.”

“Like, really?!”

“I mean, I was pretty drunk.” _How he could always make me laugh._

_“_ It's gonna be fine, though. Next up, New York New York!” Andy shifted his bag to the other shoulder. It looked heavy. “I’m having a little of the ol’ woman trouble myself.”

“Is it cos you pee on the seat?”

He cracked up. “Nah, I have great aim.” 

I looked at the bruise on his face again. I didn't have the questions, I waited for him to talk. But we were at the pier now. We walked up the steps, out onto the water. We went right to the end, where we used to go in summer. Mark and Regan doing stunts, the girls screaming. Now I noticed how quiet it could be. You could just see Bremerton through the fog, 

Andy set down the backpack and opened it up. It was full of fucking rocks. Mostly big ones. 

I stared at him. “OK, I don’t-“

“You don’t need to get it, dude.” He started taking them out, putting them on the pier next to us. “It’s, ah - a rehab thing.”

“Um, you want some help, or-“

“My therapist said it’s about letting go the past. She said on days when it gets real bad, you fill your bag with the biggest rocks you can find and carry them somewhere. Then, you do this.” He picked one up, and flung it out into the water. It made me jump a little, he was so fast, and how hard he threw it. It broke the clear water with a splash. He watched til the ripples disappeared. “Try it.”

“Uh, I’m OK.”

“Just try it. This is what I do.” He picked up another rock, threw it, yelling- “Fuck Michael Bolton!” He turned round to me, smiling big. “Fuck that song, and fuck his shitty suit in the video.” 

I was laughing now. “You think you killed any fish yet?”

“Fuck fish.” He threw another rock out, laughing. “I’m gonna say about twenty, so far. This is an act of violence.”

I picked up a rock from the pier. “OK, um- fuck the coffee on the Bainbridge ferry.”

“No, dude, FUCK that coffee! We’re in fucking Seattle, what’s up with that coffee? Get some real shit, Jesus!” Andy threw a rock, hard, and then looked at me. “Fuck it, man.”

I threw it as far as I could. He whooped. Then he grabbed another rock.

“Fuck waiting.” He threw it.

I picked one up, thought for a second. _This isn’t a test._ “Fuck waiting,”i said, because I felt that too. I threw.

“Fuck Greg’s new fill on Stardog,”Andy said. I chuckled.

“I kinda like it. Fuck the way we play the second verse though.”

“Fuck the Philadelphia Eagles.”

“Fuck the Mudhoney tour.”

“Fuck ‘Nirvana’,”Andy said, in like an exaggerated pretentious accent.

“Fuck UDub,”I said.

Andy laughed. “Yeah, fuck UDub and fuck your backup, you don’t even need one!” He picked up a stone and threw it. “And fuck the fucking trailer park, too!”

I watched it split the water, the adrenaline rising up in me.

“Fuck Jeff Ament,”I said, throwing as hard as I could.

“ _Woah._ OK.”

We looked at each other. 

“Fuck him.” I threw another stone. Andy bent down, looked at the stones. He picked up the biggest one he could find, hurled it out.

“Fuck smack!”

I stared at him. 

He picked up another rock, threw it harder. “ _Fuck!_ ”

I put my hand on his shoulder. He wasn’t making any kind of joke. You hardly ever saw him like that.

“Fuck all fighting,” Andy said, biting his lip. It was already bleeding. 

“Are you, like-“I started.

He ignored me, he was throwing one stone then another. “Fuck everything except me and you and Jeff and Bruce and Greg, fuck everything else, except us.” He lowered his arm, turned to me. “I’m here for you now, OK? I’m here for you, you’re here for me. Right?”

I looked at him.

“You need to let her go, dude.”

I looked at the stone in my hand. 

“Fuck it.” It skipped over the water. Andy yelled, “ _Fuck_ it!” Then all the stones were gone. 

We sat on the pier, the water returned to calm. And I felt kind of lighter. 

That night I slept, for the first time in weeks. 

_I’m here for you now, OK? I’m here for you, you’re here for me_. 

I guess I really needed to hear it.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter focuses on Mother Love Bone  
> \+ trigger warning for drug refs

##  **New York, February 1990**

##  **JEFF**

New York was huge. Sure, I sound like a total Montana hick but it was huge, to me. Coming down over JFK was so different, like, seeing it from the air? I was fucking pumped. I was sitting in a window seat next to Bruce, both of us watching the whole way down, like two kids, remembering the long drive from Missoula to Seattle years back, his car full of guitars, cables and garbage bags of clothes. Now we were here.

Andy slept the whole flight. He looked pretty funny, wrapped up in the collar of his fur coat, these big white plastic shades like some supermodel getting her beauty rest. When I looked over, Stone’d try and catch my eye, and I’d just look away again. I wasn't gonna get into anything. 

_This is business_. I kind of opened up to my dad on the phone, when things were really bad a couple weeks before, and I almost felt like fucking going home, even though that hadn’t been home for a long time. I told him what happened, with Stone, Sara. Even the Andy shit. And he said: _It’s business. You and Stone, you treat this like a job, because that's what it is._ Him making sense, for the first time in my life. I could do that.

I was rooming with Andy. In California making the record, it was him and Stone, and I knew how tight they still were, even after what happened, so I thought about asking him if he wanted to trade rooms, but - I didn’t. We sat on the two beds, pulling shit out of our bags. Mostly his bag was full of clothes, just stuffed in, bright patterned stuff. He had a few bottles of pills, I didnt know what they were. He threw them out on the bed, saw me looking.

“It’s, um - just my meds,”he said. 

I nodded, feeling awkward.“Yeah, I get it.” I looked at the phone, thought about calling Grace. She had kind of been on my mind, and the fact I wasn’t gonna see her for a couple weeks… But Andy was laying back on his bed, pulling his Cowboys hat over his face. 

“You tired?”I said. “I was gonna go get some food, if you wanted- but, uh, no worries if you’re tired, or-“

He didn’t answer for a sec, then-

“Sleep is for the weak, Ames. Let’s go get some fucking… reuben sandwiches or whatever the fuck people eat here.” He sat up, pulled off his shirt. He was thin, you could still see the faint patches on his arms. He picked out another, brighter shirt, put on his fur coat and shook out his hair. “You wanna call Stoney and Bruce, or… nah, it’s cool. Let’s go.”

We walked out onto 5th Avenue, totally just hit by the noise and the traffic, the greatest fucking trip just walking down the street. I thought, _am I ever gonna get used to this_? We crossed over to a guy selling hot dogs and pretzels from a cart, it was the type of food Andy loved, kid food I guess. We got hot dogs and crossed over to the Park, walking past the lines of horse-and-carriages and eating, just looking around. People looking at us too. I guess Andy always got a lot of attention, looking like that. 

“Hey, you ever see Ghostbusters?”he said, randomly.

“Uhh, the movie?”

“I’m Tully!”he said, starting to run crazy, his arms and legs flailing around, fake scared look on his face. I cracked up, the old couple walking past stared at him like _what the fuck_ , but he didn’t care at all. 

He stopped, laughing, at the edge of a big pond. “Tully running from the ghost dog? That was right here.”

I nodded, finishing up my hot dog. “Great.”

That just made him laugh more. “I’m a tourist, man, humor me.” 

He picked some bread off his hotdog bun and threw it to some birds by the water. “Eat, my children,”he said, throwing some more. There was a young girl standing just off, taking pictures of the birds. When he realised he was in the way he threw her a smile, like, “Shit, sorry.”

“Oh, that’s- fine,”she said, nervous.

“Nice camera,”he said. He was good at making people feel easier.

She fingered it. “Thanks.” 

“You like birds?”

“Uh, yeah.” She pointed at the little bunch of birds at our feet. “Been following that magpie.”

“This guy?” Andy looked at it. “Huh, well y’know what they say.”

“What do they say?”she said, lowering her camera. Smiling shyly.

“One for sorrow.”

She frowned, not getting it.

“It’s a kid’s rhyme, uh - when you see magpies. One for sorrow, two for joy. You never hear that?” Andy was still looking at the bird.

“Hey, I think I see another one right over there,”I cut in. The girl looked at me. “Look, the other side of the pond. That’s another magpie, right?”

Andy stared out at where I was pointing. “I think that's a pigeon, man.”

“No, it definitely looks like a-“ I didn't know why I was pushing it exactly. “Um. So, two for joy. That’s good.”

“It’s just a stupid kid’s thing, man.” Andy shook his head, smiling, throwing the rest of his bun to the birds. The magpie hopped away, the girl trailing after it, waving a quick goodbye at us.

“So you excited?”I asked, as we walked up the path through the park. I hadn’t hung out with just Andy in a while. I didn’t want him to talk about Stone, bring any of that shit up. I was feeling good. And now we were so busy with the band, now we weren’t in Seattle, that stuff seemed kind of small. Like who cared if me and Stone were best buds? Who cared if someone fucked someone else, or whatever? We had a record out in a few weeks. I was buzzed.

“Yeah, I’m cool,”Andy said. “Hey, um. You hear about this tour manager thing?”

We were walking through this kind of sketchy tunnel, graffiti, maybe you could see a needle or two under the piles of dead leaves. Maybe. The stink of piss. It made you want to walk faster. “Tour manager, um-“

“They’ve found some guy who’s like, an ‘addiction specialist’,”he said, in air quotes. Still smiling, bright.

“Oh. Yeah, I, uh, I knew that.”

“Guess they’re still pretty worried about me, huh?”

“Nah.” We came out of the tunnel, into a woody area. It wasn’t much like a park, this was like a whole other place. You could forget you were in the city. “It’s just, like, for the label. We know you’re good.”

Andy kicked a bottle out of the way, into the bushes. “Yeah, I am.”

I wanted to get off the drugs topic. “So for the showcase I was thinking, um - maybe we try that new version of Dollar Short, the one me and Stone worked on? Kelly thought it was pretty sweet, he said it could be a single, or something. It’s good.”

“We got a whole record coming out, let’s just let that one lie a little longer,”Andy said. “What, you don’t like the stuff we already got?”

“Uh, no, that’s not- um. It’s just cool, to work on something new. Feels like we didn’t write anything in a long time.”

“You and Stoney, y’all are the little worker bees,”Andy said, shaking his head.”You guys are gonna be doing this together forever, y’know.”

I frowned. “Doing what?”

“Writing. Bitching.” He looked at me, checking I thought it was funny, like he did when he was nervous. I laughed, because it was so ridiculous, because me and Stone were on thin fucking ice since the day we met. “You know it.”

“Huh, yeah. Sure.”

“Anyway, I been writing a lot. I’ll show you guys sometime. But uh, this tour manager thing, it’s like um - apparently it’s gonna be like a 'reformed addict’.” He said the last part in air quotes, again. Like it was all bullshit. “That seem kind of nuts to you?”

“Um. I guess I never really thought about it.”

“I mean, when are you ever like, a _reformed addict_? That shit doesn’t just go away. I think about that a lot.” Andy kicked a stone into the bushes. “Try to like, write songs about it, own it or something, but - it’s fucking hard. This shit is gonna be hard every day. Rehab’s kind of the easy part.”

I really did not want to talk about all this today. “Like you said man, you’re good. You kicked, and that’s great.”

“Yeah.”

“So uh, showcase. Stardog to start?”

“That’s real groundbreaking, Jeffrey.”

I punched his arm, “Shut the fuck up.”

We walked a long time, just talking shit. I didn’t see another magpie at all that day. I don’t know why I kept looking.

##  **STONE**

New York. I’d been before, a couple times, but it still got me excited. I was rooming with Greg and the guy slept so much, I spent a lot of time walking around by myself, just taking it in, going to record stores in Hell’s Kitchen or buying coffee from bodegas. It felt like the world was opening up, like we were so far from Seattle, not just in terms of like, miles or whatever. 

The PolyGram guys took us out for dinner and talked about MTV and award deadlines. Me and Andy kept looking at each other, like - _what a trip._ And we sat in the offices of Rolling Stone, while this cool New York girl with intellectual glasses and a notebook was like, “So, you guys excited to be famous?” And Andy didn’t blink. he was just like - “You bet.” No shame, at all.

We did a big photoshoot with a real guy, not just like one of our friends, like a guy with a studio and an assistant. He wanted us to look a certain way, his assistant like physically moved us where they wanted us to go, which was kind of weird and funny. After the first couple test shots he showed us, I felt pretty good. We looked good. 

Andy brought a ton of clothes with him, kept changing and making stupid faces, like a kid who couldn't keep still. I don't know what that was, he was clean, but he was kind of hyped a lot of the time. Kind of reminded me of when we were younger and he first got clean, it was like he always had to be doing something. 

I remember the first time he got really deep into drugs, bad enough to go to rehab, I guess we were all what, eighteen? Nineteen? We all heard about it. Alicia had been too, I remember how angry she was for a long time when she came back; at her parents, or everything I guess. The way she wanted to fuck, all the time, but it was like she wasn’t even there sometimes. And really, she just got better at hiding the shit she did, how many times did I have to talk her round from a bad trip, take her home? 

I could see, objectively, how bad that stuff could be, but I couldn’t relate to it. I guess I never wanted to be fucked up that bad. 

Then when we started playing with Andy, couple years later, it got to be so obvious. He’d disappear for days, he’d be your best friend then he’d just disappear, or you’d see the marks he was pretty good at hiding. But I guess we didn't _do_ anything about it. I’d go home to my parents house and i’d go to work and play my guitar and do shows and it didn't seem like my problem, really. I didn't get why he couldn't just do what I did. _Just say no_. It really was that simple.

That last intervention, the past fall - I still didn’t get it. I just wanted to be like, _we fucking need you. What is it gonna take for you to just be normal?_ And how I felt on that street corner on the pay phone, a few weeks later. I _really need you to tell me everything’s gonna be OK_. I guess maybe that was a lot for him to carry.

After the photoshoot, we went to practise at a theater space Kelly found in Greenwich Village, to get ready for the label showcase. Jeff kept bitching about the levels, Greg making wiseass comments from behind the drums. I just wanted to get going, play our set. I’d been practising a lot since our last show and I had a few new ideas I wanted to try out, but it didn’t feel like we were flowing or something.

“Stoney, you’re messing me up, dude. What is that?” Andy said, stopping right in the middle of Heartshine. I guess he didnt like my new takes on the riffs. And that pissed me off, because it felt fresh. And I didnt ask his fucking _permission_.

“Nah, it’s cool, you were good,”Bruce said. “It sounded good.”

“Don’t change it up, OK?”Andy said to me. Not kidding. “Go from the start.”

“Go from the top of the verse, we only got like a half hour left,”Greg called. 

Andy ignored him. “From the start, can I get a count, please?”

I was kind of irritated, the rest of the time. When he fucked up the lyrics, multiple times, we didn't say anything. He was just in this weird mood, not like himself. Riling everyone. I knew Jeff would get it, the thing about the riffs, but when we got done I just went by myself to walk some more. 

That night me and Bruce, plus he brought Jeff, met up with the Faith No More guys. They’d played at the New Ritz, some happening place near Times Square, surrounded by skyscrapers. But they were hanging out in the parking garage next door, they’d scored some coke and they wanted to go downtown and pick up girls at this club, Tunnel. 

Andy wasn’t there, he was out for dinner with Greg and Kelly, so we were down for it. It was a little like those times when we were kids, I’d tell my parents I was going to study with Steve and then we’d go to Monastery or Metropolis and stay out all night - and yeah, the whole fact we weren’t supposed to be there, that was part of it. 

Mike Patton called a limo service and we all got fucking wasted in the back, but the doormen at Tunnel didnt care because I guess we looked right, and those guys had a video all over MTV at that point, whether it was true or not we just all felt like rock stars and I felt so good, just _there_. I’d already decided I was gonna say yes to everything that night. I just wanted to forget about Andy’s sobriety, and about Sara, how it was with her, I just wanted that kind of fuck that means nothing. 

Tunnel was huge, just noise and dark and so much coke and champagne and this blonde girl who kept playing with my hair, she was saying in my ear, like, “You wanna get out of here?” I kissed her, let her touch me under the table, I saw Jeff looking at me after and it just made me laugh, like _what do you want from me_? 

Then a ton of girls came back with us to Faith’s hotel and I was in one of the rooms with another whose face I don't even remember, and I don’t remember how it got there but somehow I was fucking her, harder than I wanted to, it wasn’t doing a lot for me but i was pretty wasted. I couldn't finish, I was getting distracted by the sounds she made, the fact she wasn't Sara, and it was like- _what the fuck am I doing here?_

I thought of Alicia, suddenly, I was like, “Pull my hair,” She looked at me with these wide eyes and then she did, hard, tugging my head back. It helped. I don’t know why. But I wasn’t gonna think about kissing Sara in the night, wanting to make her feel good, holding her. That was done. 

I shut my eyes and thought being nineteen, twenty years old, Green River, how crazy intense everything seemed then. That was all taking me here, to New York City, _four hundred fucking thousand dollar contract,_ Andy locked down and clean, Aerosmith’s support slot, Mike Patton’s drugs, showcases and photo shoots, right here: the future. 

I was so close, I could get there, if this girl would stop trying to kiss me, I didn’t deserve that at all. I pulled away, like, “Stop, just...”, and she looked kind of pissed. I could feel myself losing it again. 

“What’s your problem?”she said, totally unimpressed, and I just like pulled out, got dressed and left her there, she was yelling at me, “You guys are all fucking gay!” and I had to just laugh at the whole situation. 

The corridor was full of guys from Faith No More’s crew, girls, passed-out people, like some bad movie scene. i’d left my jacket back in the room, _fuck it._ I couldn't even remember the name of our hotel. I needed to find Jeff, no, not Jeff. Bruce,I could hear his voice somewhere. I went into one of the rooms with the open door, Bruce was sitting on the bed with an open bottle of tequila in his hand. 

“Stoney boy!” he yelled, drunk. 

“Bruce Fairweather, mountain man!”I said. We both cracked up. 

“Dude, your fucking shirt is inside out,”he slurred.

Which just made me laugh more. “Oh, shit.” 

I took it off right there in the room, tried to turn it back the right way but it was kind of beyond me. 

Then Jeff was there, _was he there the whole time_? Took the shirt and turned it the right way, then threw it back at me. I stared at him. I didn't get why he had to throw it. 

“Wow, thanks. Jeff Diction, everybody,”i said, pointing to him with the balled up shirt. “Man of many talents.”

“Lover of ladies,”Bruce said, holding up the bottle of tequila. And we both laughed again because that was just too fucking funny, I don’t know. 

Jeff drank the beer he was holding, didn’t rise to it. I put my shirt back on. 

“So are we, uh- should we like, go?”I said.

“I’m good here,”Jeff said. Then this girl came out of the bathroom and went right over and sat on his lap. She was crazy pretty, like model pretty. She had her arms round his neck. 

“Lover of ladies,”Bruce was saying again, pulling the label off the tequila bottle. I tried not to look at Jeff and the model girl. Fuck, there weren’t any more model girls in here, I should go find one. But actually I felt like I really needed to sit down a minute.

I woke up on the hotel room floor feeling totally dead. Worse than I had since Green River, probably. It was light outside. Bruce was passed out on the bed, Jeff and the girl were gone. When I looked at the clock on the table by the bed it said 11:57. _Shit_. We had the showcase in Times Square at 2. 

I got up, everything spinning, forgot to wake Bruce, went out of the room, and because I’m an asshole I turned all the _Do not Disturb_ signs on every door to _Please make up my room._ The corridor seemed so fucking long, like a maze, and I got kind of lost. I found an elevator and went down to the lobby, trying to ignore the mirrors.

When I got out onto the street I realised I’d lost my wallet and the street number was like, 12. And something told me our hotel street number was 59. That was a lot of blocks.

At least the fucking grid system made sense to me right then, even if nothing else did.

##  **JEFF**

Me, Bruce and Stone all got to the showcase different times, late. Stone looked like hammered shit, I don't think he even showered, and Bruce was slow getting it together, he kept hugging Andy, who was acting like our disapproving mom, ironic or what. I knew Kelly was pissed but we’d deal with that later, not in front of the press guys. 

The showcase was in this closed little theater behind Times Square, the weird set pieces hanging behind us like some pretentious ass music video, people plugging in amps and cables for us while we hung around in the wings trying not to die. 

I had a good time, though. I didn’t mean to hook up, especially not with the Grace thing kind of on my mind, but the girl was a lingerie model or something, and - yeah. I told myself, _things are about to take off, you don’t need serious._ And I guess since Sara I was feeling a little wounded, and when Stone saw me with this girl it felt so good, how pissed he was. So that happened. 

Andy gave us this weird kind of pep talk in the wings. 

“Don’t fuck this up, people,”he said, wrapping a glittery scarf around his neck. “We got Rolling Stone out there, we got NME. We got MTV. Y’all are reprobates but I’ll forgive you this once.” He grinned. “Stoney, you need to be sick, go do it real quick.”

We all laughed, except Greg who was looking kind of bummed out about it, and Stone flipped Andy off, even though he did kind of look like he was gonna hurl. 

The label rep was on stage getting ready to announce us. Normally the crowd would be hyping us up, kids yelling, throwing shit, but it was so quiet out there, everybody seated, all these old guys. It was the weirdest fucking thing. And right before we went out I remembered the first time we all ever played in a room. 

Me, Stone and Bruce weren’t even out of Green River for real. Andy was still in Malfunkshun, but he and Regan had been jamming with us a little since Stone and Andy hit it off doing their acoustic thing. But then Stone met Greg on the street, and I remember him calling me up, like - “He’s the guy. We need to get him to practise.” 

Greg, the best drummer in town at that time, everyone knew it. He came down to our shitty practise space, jeez I remember he had so much hair back then too. Andy was there early, weird because he always came down with Regan kind of late, but not that day, he said Regan was running real late, let’s get started. 

And I remember me and Stone started playing a cover, I think it was an Aerosmith cover, Greg coming in perfect, Bruce sounding tight, Andy improvising into the mic, and we’re all like- _this is good. This feels pretty good_. 

And then the door opens and it’s Regan, just standing there holding his drum sticks. And his face when he saw Greg on the drums, man. Regan was a guy we’d been friends with a few years at that point. He was Andy’s best friend, more like a brother, really. 

And at the time, and even now, I don’t know - maybe Andy told him to come late on purpose. But that was a pretty brutal way to fire somebody. I never knew Andy had that in him.

Regan just stood there, watching us play. Andy acted like he wasn’t there, made us finish the song. Then I remember it was so quiet.

“So, um- is this-“Regan started.

He didn’t finish, and none of us said anything. Stone looked at me and I just shrugged, I couldn't figure this out either. It wasn’t my trip. Regan was Andy’s friend. Stone’s friend, though Stone wasn’t saying anything.

“You still need me, or-“Regan was just staring at Greg. 

“Sorry, I forgot to tell you Greg was playing with us today,”Andy said, still by the mic. Smiling, like it was all good. “ I’ll call you, OK?”

I remember after that, me and Stone talked about it all the way like ten blocks to go get food so we could talk about it some more. Feeling shitty about Regan, but feeling so good about Greg. _It’s just business._ We weren’t assholes. We just really wanted to be the best band we could be. 

I looked at Andy standing there ready to go on stage, in front of real industry people, who'd come to see him. He looked so ready. 

And I was like, _damn_ , _it was all fucking worth it._ Leaving Montana. Green River. The shitty jobs, shitty apartment, even Regan that day. We were the best band we could be. We were pretty much the best band we could be. 

##  **STONE**

I was still kinda dead that night, so I lay on my bed watching Jeopardy while Greg ate minibar peanuts too fucking loud and read the in-room magazine. I had this feeling for a long time that he didn't really like me, and I didn’t know why, exactly. Like, I mean I didn’t care if he did or not, it didn't change the fact that he was a great fucking drummer, but right then it was making me anxious or something.

“This day of the week was named for a Norse god,”the host was saying, and Greg didn't look up, just kept flicking the pages, saying “What is Wednesday?”

“Wednesday is correct!”the TV said, applause. I smiled.

“Now here’s a stumper for you, you ready? Okay. The European author of ‘Thus Spake Zarathustra’”.

I was thinking one of the girl contestants was kind of hot when Greg was like, “Who is Friedrich Nietsche?”

“Greg Gilmore, quiz master?”I said, looking at him. “I mean I gotta say I’m surprised.”

“Why’re you surprised, dude,”he said, putting the magazine on the bedside counter. “Cos I’m just the fuckin’ drummer?”

His tone, that edge. I shrugged. Didn’t want to get into something.

“You have fun last night?”he said, both of us staring at the TV.

“Sure.”

“Thought we weren’t gonna do that,”he said.

“What?”

“You guys were pretty fucked up.”

I got off the bed, went to the bathroom. I was still kind of queasy. Also I didn't want some kinda lecture. 

I couldn’t get sick, so I just stood there by the sink, pulled my hair back with a scrunchie Bruce gave me at the showcase, splashed water on my face. When I went back in, the Jeopardy credits were rolling. Greg was still on his bed. He watched me pull stuff out of my bag.

“I’m not gonna lecture you, dude.”

“OK,”I said. “That’s good.”

“When you were in Green River I thought you were kind of an asshole.”

I turned around and looked at him. 

He laughed. “You know that?”

“Uh - well, I guess I do now.”

“We all want this to work,”he said. “But don’t get fucked up, man. You think you’re so different to Andy, but -”

“I thought you weren’t gonna lecture.”

“OK.” Greg shrugged, closed his eyes and leaned against the headboard. 

It was frustrating, what he said, because he didn’t know me. I was never gonna get as bad as Andy. I was never gonna be an addict. I didn’t get why he would say that. All the fucking drugs talk, like a weight on me, on our whole trip. 

I put my headphones on and listened to music til I slept. Then I woke up later and got really sick, got in the shower and stayed there a long time under the water. 

When I got out Greg was awake and he gave me his bottle of water, a couple of aspirin. And I realised he was just, like, _older._ He wasn’t an asshole. He just needed this to work, even more than I did.

I’d told Andy all about CBGBs that night when Green River played to nobody, and he loved that story, so one day we went down to the East Village and stood outside, drinking coffee that wasn’t as good as back home. Andy didn't want to go inside because of being clean, so we kept on walking, all the way to the river. 

It had been a little bit weird between us since that moment at practise, but he didn't apologise, or explain. We walked, through the dirty streets, Chinese groceries and boarded up stores, talking about the band.

“I’m writing like every day now,”Andy said, checking himself out in the seedy store windows. “First time in a while, it’s going pretty good.”

“Yeah, I’ve been writing too. Kind of hoping we can bum some studio time before we go out on tour, um - I mean, it’d be nice if Polygram pay for it,”I said. 

“Definitely,”Andy said. “Four-track is so 1988.”

“Kinda feel like I could play the whole Apple set in my sleep, so.”

“Do I hear jaded?” Andy stopped to check out a tattoo place with like, full naked girl photos in the front window, like porn for motorcycle dudes. 

“I’m just excited for like, our third record. I think that’s when we’re gonna ascend to a whole new level, of-“

He cut me off. “We should get a tattoo.”

I stared at him. “You serious?”

“You want to?”

“Uh, I don’t really want to like, get AIDs.”

Andy laughed. “I’m gonna get one on my face.”

“Right.”

“I’m gonna get one on my ass, actually. Of my face.”

“I’m good,”I said.

He shook his head, grinning. “Or, your face.”

“ _Jesus_ -”

He touched my cheek, so gentle. He was smiling. “You got a good face, man.” 

I just rolled my eyes, pushed his hand away and he shoved it in his pocket. I didn’t know how to take it when he was like that, but it meant something. It filled up some part of me - even if I’d never say it. 

We didn’t go in or get tattoos. We kept walking, all the way down to the river. 

“i know it’s fucked, but I just like, still wanna call Sara sometimes,”I said, as we walked over the Brooklyn Bridge. It was freezing, the wind whipping up my hair so I pulled it back. “Just to hear her voice, or- I don’t know. It’s not gonna happen.”

Andy stopped and fumbled in his pocket, pulled out some lint, a couple of quarters. He gave me one. “You know what to do.”

I rolled my eyes. 

“Let it go.”

“You don’t think I should like, talk to her?”

“No, dude. She said no.”

I looked at the quarter. Her eyes, her smile. Her body. The smell of her hair. I didn't wanna let that go.

“I need to call Mike Patton to get you laid again?”Andy was grinning. I don't know how he found out about that. I shook my head, threw the quarter and it disappeared into the Hudson. 

“Y’know Joe Perry wants to meet us in Seattle? He’s gonna be in town end of March,”Andy said, as we started walking again. “I don't think your little metal kid heart is gonna take it, Stoney.”

“Remember Gorilla Gardens, fuck,”i said. “The metal room and the punk room.”

“Getting paid in like, kebabs from the place next door.”

I laughed, i’d forgotten. “And, uh - you see KISS when they were in town? It would’ve been, what - 81?”

“No, dude, my parents didnt love me enough,”Andy said. “I had that like, one VHS of the Unmasked tour, my mom let me watch it once a day.”

“Just one time a day?”

“I like, wore out the rewind button though,”he said.

“I guess that’s kind of like, porno if you’re from Bainbridge.” 

“That’s the kinky shit.”

“Where are we going, by the way?”I said, as we got to the end of the bridge. It was so cold out there. I wanted to go back. 

Andy laughed, shrugged. He never gave a shit.

“Man, I have no clue. That’s the fun part.”

##  **EDDIE**

I quit the band on a Tuesday. I think I remember that because it seemed kinda crazy, driving away from the space on a quiet Tuesday, Drivetime hour on KYXY, used car dealership commercials, just normal - but I didn't have a band anymore. 

I wasn’t the singer in Bad Radio anymore. I was just Ed Vedder. I just turned twenty six, I had two jobs and rent to make and a surfboard with dings that needed fixing pretty bad, and I wasn’t in a band anymore.

I wanted to call Beth, but she didn't get off work til six. I sat in my beat up old truck on the street outside my house, switched off the engine. It was warm out, maybe I’d go to the beach. But it felt hard to get going. 

I quit because I knew it wasn’t gonna work. And I guess I quit because I felt like I was gonna get fired anyway. I didn’t see myself playing with the other guys. I didn’t even think we were that great a band. 

You can miss chances, though. You can get buried, and I wasn’t gonna let that happen to me. 

I needed to find a new band. I needed a plan. I’d pick up a zine at the record store, call every SINGER WANTED ad in the classifieds. But right then, I felt like I couldn't even get out of the truck. 

I just sat there, watching a piece of trash drift down the sidewalk, a mom helping her kid across the street. And nothing was coming. Words, ideas - nothing. It was just a piece of trash, just a woman and her kid. That scared the shit out of me.

That fortune cookie thing was still in my shorts pocket from the Happy Buddha last night. Me and Beth would go there and eat til we felt sick, the day we got paid. _A chance happening will reveal your destiny._

But I flicked it out the window, thinking - my fucking destiny is mine.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: This chapter partly takes place in March 1990, with a major character death.

##  **SARA**

After I told Stone I was done, I went to bed and cried for ages, then I woke up the next morning and I felt somehow OK. It’s weird how that is, but I guess it was a little like leaving Logan last year - something that seemed so impossible til I actually did it. And the world didn’t stop. I still had to go to work, still had to eat lunch and sit in the morning meeting with Bruce and Jon and come home and clean up after myself. 

I thought about Stone a lot. But I was OK. Not great, but I survived. Some days I felt sad; other days I had coffee with Grace after work and laughed about our weird bosses, and it was alright.

“I need that copy for the mailing list by five, OK?”Jon said, appearing in the door of the kitchen when I was struggling with the coffee machine. “Then I’m gonna need you to help Jason with the inventory, accounts close tomorrow and we’re behind.”

I frowned. “Um. OK. That’s, um-“

“I know it’s not your job, but we’re a small ship here. So - thanks.” He smiled, and then went back out.

I was kind of bummed out. I was supposed to go over to Grace’s for dinner so we could call Meg. I missed her already, it’d only been a week or two but I never realised how much she held us together. 

I took my coffee back in and sat at my desk, stared at the computer. I was still getting used to it, it seemed like the kind of thing you needed a college degree just to successfully start up. Maura said Microsoft over in Redmond had sent over a few reject machines in return for a couple of their guys raiding the Sub Pop stock room for records. “That’s so fuckin’ Seattle. Different types of nerds,”Mark Arm had said, swigging milk right out of the carton.

The screen blinked at me, the space bar taunting me on the blank screen. I had to write the newsletter for the mailing list, covering the shows and the band news since the new year, and it was a pretty cool job, but… I just felt like I compared all the shows I saw lately to the Mother Love Bone one at the Vogue, when Andy had been so on fire and Stone and Jeff looked so happy, played so great. Given the current situation, I didnt even know if I’d get to see them play again. Maybe when they were huge enough to fill out the Arena and I could stand in the back, just another person in the crowd.

When the day was over me and Jason walked over a couple blocks to the basement where Sub Pop kept the inventory. He was talking a lot about his band Love Battery’s new EP, due out this year. It kind of reminded me of Stone and Jeff, and whenever the conversation got too close to those guys, I’d steer it off again. 

He unlocked the three bolts, flicked on the light switch at the top of the stairs; it flickered, needed replacing. It was a running joke, how Sub Pop were always on the edge of losing it all, how nothing really worked like it should; how their ship was always just about to come in. 

I liked it, though. It was hard work and a lot of intense personalities, but being part of it - that was pretty much the only thing that got me through that time. I missed Meg, I even missed Alicia - I was always thinking about her, where she might be, what I’d say to her if I saw her again. 

And Stone. I missed that feeling I got with him. Just that connection, that thing that we had, I was kind of worried I’d never find that anywhere else.

“You take the As to Es,”Jason said, handing me a clipboard with some forms. “You just need to write down the number of records we have in stock against the name. It’s not gonna take a real long time. Also, I kind of paid a friend of mine ten bucks to come and help out.”

I stared at him. “What?”

“Yeah, a friend of mine is visiting and she’s broke, but we really wanted to go to the Nirvana show later so she said she’d come help get this done quick and we could go. You wanna come, actually?”

I thought about it. I hadn’t seen Nirvana play live at all, and I was kind of intrigued to see Kurt in action. Last time I saw him was when the office got snowed out and closed early last week, and we went to some burrito place and bitched about Sub Pop stuff. I never knew with him; I didn’t think he was hitting on me, but he was always so intense. But I was dying to hear them play live, and my only other plan was to go clean the bathroom at home, so- 

“Um - sure. Yeah. OK.”

“Great. You’ll like Don, she’s fun.”

We were just getting started on the inventory when there was an insistent buzzing from upstairs, and Jason ran up to let someone in. Then suddenly this blaze of bleach blond hair and what looked like a thousand layers of clothes came hurting down, nearly missing the last step and falling flat on her face. 

“Fuck, dude! You weren’t kidding about this shit,”she said, staring around the basement with these big panda eyes, her cheeks red from the cold. “I should’ve got you up to fifteen bucks just based on the fact that this place smells like _ass_.”

“Sara, this is Don. Donita,”Jason said, pulling some sheets off his clipboard and handing them to her. “Friend from LA. You might’ve heard of her band - L7?”

“Oh, Kurt told me about them,”I said, nodding. “Hi. That’s awesome. You moved to Seattle?”

Donita laughed out loud. “Hell no. Well, not yet, anyway. You know Kurt? He’s such a jerk. But I love him.” She scanned the paper form Jason gave her. “OK, so I just count the records? I thought working at Trader Joe’s was boring shit, but-“ 

“Less talking, more counting. Show’s at nine.” Jason went to start on the Fs-Ms. Donita smiled at me.

“You in a band too?”she asked.

“Oh, no. I don’t play.”

Donita snorted with laughter. “Trust me baby, that never stopped anybody. You coming later, right?” 

I nodded.

“OK, good. Nice dress, by the way.” She winked then went to start on the Ms-Zs. 

We got done in a couple hours, and then walked down to the Underground for the Nirvana show. It felt like a little different crowd than the last Mother Love Bone show; less girls hanging round the stage, more like the punk shows I’d been to back in Cleveland, packed and full of this kind of sweaty danger. We skipped the line because Jason knew the door guy. Then Donita took my hand and dragged me to the front of the little room, right by the stage, I looked back for Jason but he’d disappeared in the crowd. 

It was such a small venue that there was no backstage area, really. Kurt and the other guys - Dave, and the guitarist who I didn’t really know - Krist?- were on stage plugging in cables, plastic glasses of beer precariously balanced on the amps. Kurt was still wearing the too-tight sweater he’d wear for days at a time, he didn’t look like a star at all. He couldn’t be any further from Andy. It wasnt the first time I thought that.

“Hey asshole!” Donita yelled, and he turned around, saw us and smiled that wiseass smile. She beckoned him over and he came and crouched on the edge of the stage. He smelled like pure cigarettes and beer, his blue eyes a little hazy.

“Don’t judge me by my friends, OK?”he said to me, eyes crinkling with a smile.

“I came a long way, so don’t suck,”Donita said. 

“Y’know we’re comin’ down to LA in like, a week. Your timing fucking sucks.”

Donita laughed. “Dude, I saw Chris Cornell from Soundgarden buying bagels today. You seen the guy? Worth the price of gas.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. I was reminded of Meg, how much she loved Chris, and I suddenly felt that weird rush of missing again, like homesickness but not. “Glad you came, writer girl,”he said, leaning a little closer to me, then he stood up and went back over to the other guys on stage. Donita looked at me sideways.

“There some thing with you guys?”

“Uh, no. Not at all,”i said. 

She narrowed her eyes. “Maybe not for you.” 

I was about to say something, but then Dave was starting up on the kick drum, and that push of bodies from behind signalled the start of the show. I grasped the edge of the stage, staring up as Kurt shambled to the microphone, adjusted low for his height. He had his beer in his hand, a beat up guitar around his shoulders. He looked around, smiling. He was kind of beautiful, really. In some lights. 

“Well, uh. Hey,”he said, taking the time to drain his cup before scrunching it in his hand and tossing it into the crowd. Then they went straight into Love Buzz, the distortion shaking right through me. And at the time, it didn’t feel momentous, but - looking back, maybe it was.

After the Nirvana show, we went out with the band, a lot of new people I didn’t know, and a couple I did - Mia from the Gits, Matt from Mudhoney. Kurt was making me laugh all night, his sense of humor was even darker out of the office and it was funny to me, how drawn to him everybody was, this skinny little guy and his gravel laugh. I saw Mother Love Bone posters all over the streets, big stickers plastered over them : LAST HOME SHOW OF 1990! CENTRAL TAVERN, MARCH 9TH. Kurt chuckled when he saw them.

“I met that guy back in Tacoma,”he said, pointing drunkenly at the outline of Andy, center of the poster. “Fell asleep in his show. Fuckin’ _fell asleep_!”

“They’re pretty good,”I said, even though I knew he wouldn’t agree. He threw his cigarette into the gutter, laughed.

“Mall rock,”he said. “That what you’re into, writer girl?”

Donita was watching us, kind of amused. She said something to Jason, I didnt catch it. I was trying not to blush or act weird. 

“Maybe,”i said, lamely. Kurt put his arm around my shoulder. 

“You gonna say nice things about my band?”

“Leave her alone, Jesus,”Mia called. “She’s _not_ gonna fuck you.”

Me and Kurt both cracked up and he let me go. I crossed my arms over my chest, thought about the fact I had work tomorrow. 

“I should probably go home,”I said.

“I’ll walk you,”said Jason. “I don’t like this area.”

“Oh, it’s OK,”I said. “I do it all the time.”

Donita kissed me on both cheeks and told me she’d call me when she was next in town. Then she slipped me the L7 record from her messenger bag. “I gotta tell you, this is _not_ on the inventory,”she said, her hair tickling my ear, and I giggled. When I got home, her lipstick mark was still on my cheek, and I went to bed happy, my ears still ringing.

##  **STONE**

When we got back from New York, it was time to start packing our shit again. The touring schedule they specced for us was pretty intense, starting right after the record release and through the next six months, a week off here or there, cities I never even heard of. Europe, in the fall. It seemed kind of crazy that people liked us there, or like we existed in some way outside of Seattle or goddamn Tacoma. 

My dad - I knew he was proud of me. I remember the day I dropped out of school, the way he got up and went into his study and shut the door; how I felt right then, maybe I'd been feeling that way ever since, til now. “Baltimore,”he said, as he stared at our tour schedule. “Important place in the Revolutionary War, y’know. The Battle of Baltimore.” He nodded, pushing his glasses up his nose. “You should look it up.” My mom rolled her eyes, smiling. But I knew what he meant.

Andy didn’t call me for a while. I met him back at the Raison when I went to pick up some stuff I left there. He was sitting by the window, drinking an extra large coffee, staring out of the window. “That magpie’s following me, I think,”he said, pointing. “Little shit followed me all the way from NYC.”

There was some bird outside on the sidewalk, pecking at spilled trash. “Huh,”I said, not getting it. “You see the schedule?”

“Uh huh.” He took the lid off of his coffee and drank a whole lot. I kind of expected him to be more excited. He was still watching that bird. “Pretty intense.”

“Dallas, though.”

“Go Cowboys,”Andy said, smiling. “If we don’t make it to a game I'm gonna fuckin’ freak.”

I felt like he didn’t want company so I didn’t sit down. I guess our schedule was hitting him pretty hard. He’d said he wasn’t sleeping too well but his doctor didn’t want him to take any drugs for it. I was sleeping better than I had in a while, though. Even when I dreamed about Sara, I woke up feeling pretty good. 

“I’ll see you at the shoot,”I said, kinda awkwardly. “Y’know where it is? The graffiti wall? Josh is gonna film too, so-”

“Uh huh,” he said again. “I know where it is.”

“You good?”

He looked at me and turned on that huge smile, like someone just hit the ‘on’ button. It could be real or it could be bullshit; I didn’t know what it was right then. “I’m good.”

“OK. Um. Good. I’ll see you there.”

Walking down the street toward home, I ran into Mike McCready. He said he was still working in the video store, joked about the creepy old guys and the stupid top shelf titles. _In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon. Full Metal Jack-off._ “I think that’s Jeff Ament’s favorite, actually,”I said, and he creased up in the street. “You still playing?”I asked, feeling kind of guilty I hadn’t called him after the Christmas party. I said we could play together sometime, but we never did. 

“Yeah, just in my room, y’know. Audience of thousands.”

“We’re kind of crazy right now, but I could like, give you people’s numbers, maybe see if Regan’s doing something now, or-”

“It’s cool, man,”he said, looking at the floor. “You don’t need to do that, I know you’re busy.”

“You put something in the Rocket?”

“Uh, no. Kind of just doing this community college thing. It’s not too bad.” He shook his head. “Anyway dude, I'll catch you at the Central show. Gonna be good.” He wandered off, hunched in his coat. 

I noticed that bird following me, the one Andy had been looking at before. Didn’t that mean something, one magpie? Then I saw this girl across the street who looked like Sara from the back and forgot about it. But when I crossed the street, it wasn’t her. What would I have even said? _I fucked up. I miss you. I won’t fuck up again._ Like - words weren’t gonna fix it. I knew that.That night outside the OK Hotel with Alicia, when I still thought they could. _I think about you, OK? I still do. Like, I will do any fucking thing you want me to do. I’ll give you anything you want. And I feel like I can’t do anything about that, like, it’s just the way shit is._ She just laughed. She fucking laughed.

I went to go buy new strings. I didn’t need them, but I went home and re-strung two guitars. The sound so pure, that promo photo of us still tacked on the wall in my attic, reminding me it was all real. Then Josh called for me, he never said hi or whatever, he just said shit like - “Hey, you guys ever think about doing a photoshoot on a boat?”

##  **GRACE**

With Jeff? I didnt know what I was doing. I guess at first alcohol was the excuse. And I mean, it just felt really good to not over think. But under the weird outfits and the cool band guy stuff, he was sweet. He was, like - a _man_. Different. I loved his body, I liked how it felt with someone who knew what he was doing.

I guess it was weird, though, because I didnt know if he still liked Sara. Or at least, I think he kind of wanted to forget about everything too. I just let it be what it was. Was I thinking about Andy sometimes, even though I didn’t want to? Maybe. 

I was really busy, getting my portfolio together for Parsons. No one knew about it except Jeff, even Sara. The personal essay came easy, all that stuff about wanting to _learn my craft in such an inspiring setting._ But I'd sit on my bedroom floor surrounded by photographs for hours, puzzling. I knew I wanted my admission piece to be a collage, but everything I tried out ended up in the trash.

I kept coming back to those photos of Andy, the ones I took years back, him balancing on the fountain at the Seattle Center, skinnier, his hair shorter, his shoulders a little more stooped, face turned up to the sun. But I didn’t know what to do with them, honestly I felt kind of silly for even holding onto them. I’d leave the photos on the floor and get up, go do something else, telling myself I’d get some big idea in the shower or something.

I knew Mother Love Bone had just got back from New York. Jeff called me the first night back, said he was sorry it was late but he’d been thinking about me a lot while he was away. I said, come over. When I let him in he picked me up, just like that time last year, carried me to the bed and kissed me all over while he undressed me; the sex was intense, I’d missed him, and it felt like maybe he’d missed me too.

After, when he was holding me, he asked me to go to their show at the Central, it might be the last time they’d play somewhere that size and he wanted me there. I didn't want to go on my own, but the only person to ask was Sara, and I knew she wouldn’t. _It's just another show at the Central; whatever._ I just said I had work to do. 

“I’ll see you guys when you play a real fucking venue,”I said, and Jeff looked so happy, like he couldn’t not smile at the thought of that. 

“OK, deal,”he said, kissing my neck. “Wait, does like, the Satyricon count as a real fucking venue?”

I shook my head, giggling, and he pulled me on top of him, his hands smoothing over my body. 

“I missed this,”he said softly, kissing me. And it filled up some space in me I didn’t even know was there. I buried my face in his neck, breathed him in. _Whoever thought this would be a thing?_

Meg seemed to be having a good time in LA, too. She called me a couple times a week back then, full of the sunshine and the Mexican food and this surfer guy Jack knew, Eddie. It made me laugh that she’d found some new guy to fixate on, though she did always ask about Chris. 

“You’re coming to visit, spring break time,”she said. “We’ll go back to the Whiskey, get our belly buttons pierced. You know it’s gonna happen.”

I thought about telling her about art school. But for some reason, I didn’t. “Definitely.”

“I miss you, Gracey. You doing OK? You sound…”

“I’m good,”I said, quickly. Even though it felt like everything was changing, like I didn’t know what I was doing, any more. “I miss you too.”

##  **SARA**

The next time I saw Kurt after his show, he brought me a blueberry muffin and said he was sorry for acting like a dickweed. Then they were gone, on their West Coast tour, and things went quiet again. Half the bands were out on the road, and we were getting ready for the office move, sent press packs to three different continents, me puzzling over international postage as I drank five cups of shitty coffee a day.

I kept seeing those Mother Love Bone posters around town. And I kept thinking about Stone, the last thing at night before I went to sleep. I still couldn’t think about any other guy. It was just him - his big green eyes, fidgeting hands. _I miss you. We could do this. I wanna try._

That feeling like maybe I’d been too quick to say no. Like maybe, it was real. Us. Whatever we were. 

The night of their show at the Central, I was working late. Bruce finally told me to go home after seven, said he couldn’t believe I had nowhere else to be. 

And I thought: _Maybe I do have somewhere._

##  **STONE**

The Central was packed out, and I was glad we were playing there because it was our place. Everybody’s place. That time Green River and Malfunkshun jammed together, how we ever fit on that tiny fucking stage. The start of it.

Soundgarden and Mudhoney were on tour, and I kinda wished they were there too. Cornell called me from Amsterdam, stoned and happy - “Y’know I'm there in spirit, bro”, and last time I saw Mark he grabbed me, drunk, yelling, “I knew saving your ass from drowning was the right thing to do!” I liked how we could both just _laugh_ because the shit we all used to do, those times in Green River - it would never have worked out, but it didn’t even matter now. 

Charles was there taking pictures. Andy was talking to everybody, totally energised and excited. I guess, yeah, I was looking around a little, to see if Sara was there, or Grace. Or even Alicia - I kept thinking about her standing right by the stage, a few years back, her eyes on me, and I still wanted her there - I wanted to say, “Jesus, remember when we played that Deep Six party? Remember how much we fucking sucked?” Because she was the only one who’d say, _yeah, you fucking sucked, but you got better, I guess_. 

I saw Jeff standing at the bar with Jerry, and after an awkward second he was like, “Hey, you want a drink?” Which felt like a step in the right direction. There was nothing in the way, now. I might’ve lost Sara but there was nothing in the way of the band.

And it was the best show we ever played. Maybe I just want to remember it like that, but I remember being on that stage and Andy leaning out into the crowd, like, hugging people and laughing, calling people out, being like- “To all the people in the bleachers, I love y’all and I’ll see you again soon!” 

I wasn’t drunk that night but I just remember feeling so good, the electricity of it. No label people, just our friends, and guys we’d played with or competed with or been to fucking school with, singing our songs so loud Andy stopped and held up the mic, his face turned up to the lights. After we were done we all hugged each other on that tiny stage, even me and Jeff, took a bow while people threw stuff at us in, like, the most loving way, and I remember thinking: _I’ll never forget this one show_. 

When I got off people were talking to me, even some kid too young to be there, trying to give me a tape. And then I saw Sara in the back by the door.

I don’t remember what she was wearing or how her hair looked really, I just remember thinking she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and I went over to her and I was like-

“Hey, um. Didn’t think you were gonna make it.”

She smiled. _Fuck, I’d missed that so much._

“I just felt like it was kind of important,”she said.

Then I kissed her, just like pulled her into me and kissed her. I was still so high from the show, I didn’t give a shit if Jeff saw, or whatever. She didn’t move, but she let me. Then I turned her face up to me and stared at her. She stared back. Her eyes were just like, the best thing I’d seen in a long time. 

“Thanks for coming down,”I said. And that was so far from the right thing to say I guess; but it was all I had. 

“I think you might be my favorite band,” she said. 

I laughed. “Well, you know we got a record out next week.”

“I might have heard that. And then you’re going to LA?”

“Wow, Bruce and Jon have a lot of information.”

She smiled, nodding. “Nirvana are down there right now.”

“You staying?”I asked. I wasn’t gonna let her go, even if she said no. She looked past me, maybe looking for Jeff. “Come on. It’s OK.”

“I, um.” She stepped back, just a little.

“Or if you wanna go, I can go with you.”

She shook her head.“It’s not-“

“Stoney!” Andy was there, staring at both of us. “And Miss Cleveland herself. Come on, we got a lot of people to see.”

“I really have to go,”she said, smiling at me. “Have fun in LA. I, um - it was a great show. So. Congratulations.”

“Wait, um-“ I was so aware of Andy there, and then some other guys from bands who were like, “ _Stone Gossard! Andrew fucking Wood!_ ” Which made me turn around, and then she was putting on her jacket and she was about to go, and Andy was like, quietly - “Stoney, c’mon” and I looked at Sara, she smiled and looked like she was gonna say something but she didn't say anything, and then I was like - “OK, um. I’ll see you?” 

And she left.

When I got home, really late, I left her a kind of drunken message. _Sorry if that was, like, too much, but um, it was really good to see you. Maybe give me a call back, if you want, or-_

It was after noon when I woke up and she hadn't called me back. I called her again that night but nobody answered. 

Then we got busy again with a couple phone interviews and practise, a photoshoot. And she didn’t call me. Every time I got home I checked the messages, and she didn’t call.

##  **JEFF**

The week after our show we were doing a photoshoot at a studio downtown, with a friend of Kelly’s. I remember that being a good day, at least to start - there was music playing loud and Kelly showed up with his new baby, I remember how Xana and Andy freaked out over her, and then she pissed all over Andy, it killed all of us. We were goofing off, pumped and feeling good.

In the break, Andy went to go sit on a couch in the corner. I was saying hi to the baby, talking to Kelly about the record release party next week. Stone and Bruce were over with Andy. And then after a minute, I watched Stone get up and walk away from them. How pissed off he looked, he was never great at hiding that. And when I looked back at Andy, he looked like he was falling asleep. I guess it was a little weird.

Xana was watching Andy, too. Biting the rim of her coffee cup, leaving dark lipstick marks on the foam. 

“He doing OK?” Kelly said, to both of us.

“Uh, yeah. I think so,”I said. And that was true, as far as I knew. Even just like an hour ago, he was his normal self, making cracks at everyone, hamming up for Josh’s video camera. 

Xana didn’t say anything for a while, then just - “Yeah.”

Kelly looked at her. 

She shrugged. “He gets sad sometimes, but - like, he’s clean. If that’s what you wanna know.”

Kelly nodded. We were all watching Andy. He looked like a little kid sleeping. But there was so much noise, all these flashes. It seemed impossible that he could be sleeping.

“He shouldn’t be on his own,” Kelly said to Xana, quietly. “Someone should be there with him, at home, or-“

“Oh, yeah?”Xana said, pulling her hand through her hair. She looked tired, still crazy beautiful, but so tired. Older than twenty one, right then. _“I_ should be there with him? What, like, all the time?” She shook her head, picked pieces of foam off her empty cup. “I have a _job_. Who do you think pays all the bill for us? Like, what’m I supposed to-“ She stopped, sighed. “I don’t know, man. He’s doing OK.”

“Right now,”Kelly said.

“Yeah. Right now,” she said, looking at both of us hard. From her voice you knew this wasn’t gonna be a conversation.

She wandered off to put her cup in the trash, then I saw her go over to Andy, shake him gently. Stone was talking to Josh, ignoring the situation.

“This guy Tom is in town in a few days, to talk about the tour,”Kelly said to me. “The sober companion for Andy, though he’s got tour manager experience too, so I thought he’d be perfect.”

The perfect sober companion slash tour manager. But I couldn't laugh, I mean, that wasn't funny. “OK. So you want us to meet him?”

“Friday. I’ll call you with the details. I know Greg and Bruce can’t make it, so I really need the rest of you guys.”

“Are you gonna be there?”I asked.

“I met the guy a couple times already. I like him a lot. He’s an ex A&R, been on the road with a lot of bands. I think he worked with Steve Tyler a few years back.” _Was that supposed to make me like, get excited about it?_

I nodded. “OK. Cool.” I watched Andy wake up, Xana giving him some water and whispering to him. “I can do that.”

I met Stone at this little boutique hotel in Belltown, where the guy wanted to meet. We just said hi, kind of the brief small talk we’d fallen in to in the past few weeks. Andy had left messages on both our machines saying he was sick. 

“Hey man, sorry to be a buzz kill, but I’m gonna need to sit this one out. Don’t wanna get you sick, so. I got faith in you, though. _Faith-ah faith-ah faith-ahhh,_ ” His laugh, at himself. “Just s’long as he’s not a Redskins fan. Hey, I got a few new things I wanna show you, too, maybe tomorrow, so - call me, OK? I been writing a lot, and I really wanna show you. OK? Give me a call. And, um. Sorry.” 

Some dead air, then the click.

And I was kind of pissed, I was like - _this guy is for you, you don’t think you should be there to meet him?_ But when I tried to call him to say that, he didn’t pick up. 

At the time I just thought he was embarrassed or something, maybe he felt weird about the whole thing. But my mind was half on seeing Grace later. I wasn’t totally sure what we were doing but we spent a lot of nights together right then, we’d have sex and talk for a long time and just lay together. It didn’t fix everything, but it was something I felt like I needed. She was.

“So it's good to meet you both, because one of the things that’s important in coming up with strategies for Andy, is to understand the, I would say, hierarchy in the band, so to speak, and how this can be a productive arrangement for not only Andy, but for all of you.”

Me and Stone glanced at each other. The guy, Tom, was older- probably late forties or maybe that was just how he’d aged. Grey, serious. Kind of like an even more no-bullshit Kelly. He talked a lot about _healing, safe spaces_. For me, I was cool with whatever he wanted to do. But I expected to hear about no-drug policies and alcohol-free zones, not about _the hierarchy in the band._ It felt kind of heavy.

“I don’t think there is a hierarchy, as far as, we’re all friends and like, we’ve been playing together a long time now,” Stone said, pushing the ice around in his drink. 

“You don’t think there is a key influence within the band?”

“I guess I don’t really know what that means, um. What do you mean, like - who’s the most important member of the band?”Stone said, frowning.

“Not the most important. I’m asking if you guys personally feel there is a healthy degree of communication and respect within the band, or whether you feel that there is any imbalance or tension that could be addressed at this point.”

“What does that have to do with like, Andy’s sobriety?”Stone said.

“In my experience, issues such as addiction within a group can have an effect on communication and morale.”

“OK, and?” I could tell Stone was getting tense.

“And, your management are going to be asking a lot of you guys over the next year or so. You’re young, you’re in a rock band. Designating your bus or your backstage as an alcohol free zone, that’s probably not exactly how you imagined it.” Tom sipped his seltzer, staring at us through his glasses. “Do you feel comfortable with the synergy within your group at the moment?”

I saw Stone totally fucked up in New York and I hadn’t even seen him drunk in months. I saw all the meds they had Andy on to keep him on track. I thought about the shit we bottled up, pretending like everything was fine when we were mad or scared, just to keep the band together. What Andy said to me one night when we were rooming on our trip, _I asked Stoney not to tell you about Sara, just give him a break, OK? He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, he’s scared._ And then the thing at the photoshoot the other day. Andy falling asleep. How Xana was. 

_“_ To be honest, no,” I said, the first time I’d spoken in a while. “I don’t feel very comfortable with, um. The... synergy.”

Tom nodded. Like it was OK, to just say it. I couldn’t believe someone was finally just talking about this like it really mattered.

“Me either,” Stone said, putting down his glass. “I don’t think it’s been like, good, for a while.”

“OK. That’s OK,”Tom said.

_It is?_ I looked at Stone, he was fidgeting under the table. I took a breath. 

”I don’t, like, resent Andy for his problems, but, um.” I shrugged. _Fuck it_. “I guess I’m a little scared. I think he has a lot of the power in the band. And not in like, a negative way, I mean, he’s great, he’s a total force, but -“ Stone looked at me, and I hesitated. “Um. I don’t…”

“The fact is, is that something happens to Andy, we’re screwed,”Stone said, direct, honest, like sometimes he was. Those were his best times, for me. “And that’s not a good place for us to be. So that has definitely been, um. A source of, I guess, tension.”

“When we’re on stage, it works. It works fucking great,”I said. “But then it’s like - what’s going on with _us_ , you know? What- did we like, grow apart, or-?“ I shook my head. That sounded too fucking final. Too negative. “I just, I’m happy to do whatever it takes for Andy to stay sober on tour, but I’m just kinda nervous.”

“About what?”Tom said.

_Hard to know where to start._

“Of it not working out, I guess,” I said. Stone looked at me. I stared at my drink.

Tom nodded. “I understand that. And I’ll tell you, there’s no magic bullet for this stuff. Asking someone to give up their best friend. Their greatest companion, who’s always there for them.”

There was this weird silence, then. And I felt this pang in my chest out of nowhere: a panic feeling. 

“Give up our best friend, um..?” Stone said. “What d’you-"

Tom shook his head. “No, I was talking about Andy. And the drugs he depends on.”

“Oh. Fuck. Uh, excuse me.”

“Right,”I said, the panic turning into relief. “Yeah, I get it.”

“It can be done,”Tom said. “The drugs do not define Andy. They are not a certainty in his future. I really need you all to believe that. And, to forgive, too. It’s very important to forgive him.”

“For what?” I said, right away. That _panic_ again, man. “What do we need to forgive him for?”

“Whatever you’re feeling right now,”Tom said. “Fear. Resentment. Or it could be missed opportunities. It could be lies. It could be… responsibility. The responsibility you feel, for Andy being OK.”

Me and Stone didn't say anything at first. 

And then, this fucked up thought just came into my mind out of nowhere: _I can’t do this anymore._

“I forgive him,” I said. Pushing that right back down where it came from. “I’ll do whatever. I get it. Really.”

##  **STONE**

After the meeting, I felt like I really needed to go get drunk, which was kinda ironic. I wanted to move on, fast, from the things I said back there.

If this guy was gonna help us get better at talking, then great. We needed that. And Andy’s stuff; it was good that was being handled. Jeff asked if I thought we should go see him, but I said no. I knew Andy didn’t like that, feeling like a little kid who needed babysitting. And some part of me thinking - _I’m so tired of worrying about Andy._ Like at the photoshoot the other day. His eyes, something off, and just the way he kept spacing out. 

He was OK, though. 

I went to the Crocodile and had beers with Damon and his crew. They got a promo copy of our record at the station, he was so full of it about how great it was. This girl he worked with kept talking to me about how much she loved it too. The drunker we got, the more obvious I could’ve gone home with her, but -

When I got home, I took the phone to my room and called Sara.

“Hey, this is Stone, you probably think I’m stalking you at this point but, um - I wanted to say, again, it was good to see you at the show, and - I want to see you again. Like, I know you said move on, but-“ _She didn’t pull away_.“Well, I wanna kiss you again. I fucking miss kissing you. So, um. Call me.” 

I hung up. _What the fuck was that?_ I needed to sleep. But I put the phone right next to me on the bed, in case she called me back.

##  **GRACE**

I pressed the button on my machine, it had been blinking all day. I guess I was worried it would be my dad, asking me about the article in the Seattle Times the other day about Mother Love Bone, all about Andy’s rehab and his “troubled past”. I just didnt need the lecture. I hadn’t even hung out with Andy in a while.

I got my coat, ready to go as the machine beeped.

“Hey Gracey.”

I stopped. It was her. I stared at the machine. 

“It’s me, um. It’s Alicia. I wanted to call you to say, um. Well. I’m sorry for leaving like that, for going dark, or whatever, I- I’m ok. And I hope you are. I’m sorry.”

I felt my heart beating faster as I listened, I don’t know what I felt - anger? Relief?

“So I’m in Paris, uh- it’s real late here, but I wanted to say I’m here, and it made me think of you a lot. And also, this is really weird, but- I saw Andy. I was at the Eiffel Tower tonight and I swear to God I saw him on the viewing platform, but it was super crowded and I guess he didn’t see me because then he was gone. I thought that was weird, but maybe they booked some Europe shows, or-“

I don’t know why but I went over to the machine and shut it off. I’d listen to the message later. It just made me feel weird, and it was so Alicia, to try and get my attention with some bullshit like that. Andy in Paris? She really knew how to press my fucking buttons. 

I grabbed my purse and went out, listened to my Walkman loud all the way to Jeff’s. When I got there he told me about the tour manager they just met, sounded like he’d be pretty good for Andy. 

“Andy’s around, right?”I said, knowing it was a dumb question. “He in the city?”

“Yeah, of course,”Jeff said, frowning. “He didn’t wanna come today, I think he was feeling sick, or.. but he’s just like, at home. Why?”

“Oh, nothing. Someone thought they saw him.” I moved a little closer and he touched my face, gently brushed back my hair, then kissed me. I smiled. I didn’t want to think about anything else, right then.

##  **STONE**

That night I dreamed about Andy.

##  **GRACE**

I dreamed about Andy again.

##  **STONE**

We were back on that tiny stage at Re-bar, the lights so bright you couldn’t make out faces. Or maybe it was just me and him in the room, we were there to rehearse. Or maybe we were at the Metropolis. I couldn’t figure out where we were. Maybe it was Monastery and we were kids again.

_I was dancing when I was twelve_

_I was dancing when I was twelve_

We were playing that song he liked. _I wanna do like a T rex thing. I’ll be Marc Bolan, you be Mickey Finn._ He kept trying to make me laugh. I shook my head, tried not to lose my concentration. I wasn’t gonna mess this up. Our record was coming out next week.

##  **GRACE**

I was with Alicia by the bar. She kept saying she wanted to go, she didn’t want to deal with Stone. But I promised Andy I was gonna be there for him. 

_I was dancing when I was out_

_I was dancing when I was out_

He was wearing this long white coat, purple glasses, he looked so funny. Under the stage light you could see glitter in his hair. And he sounded so good. He looked so happy, happier than I’d ever seen him. It was just like when we went up the Eiffel Tower that time, all the lights of the city in his eyes when he kissed me. Or was that another dream?

##  **STONE**

_I danced myself right out the womb_

_I danced myself right out the womb_

_Is it strange to dance so soon?_

_I danced myself right out the womb_

He was jumping off the stage with his mic like he did at the Moore, then he was out in that big empty space. He was swaying on the floor, singing. If I closed my eyes, I could see us on that bench at Kerry Park, watching the airplanes, or out on the pier. But weren't we in Re-bar? Or was it the Central? 

_I danced myself into the tomb_

_I danced myself into the tomb_

_Is it strange to dance so soon?_

_I_ _danced myself into the tomb_

I looked up, and I could just see him in the shadows at the sides of the room, I heard him say: “Don’t stop playing, Stoney”. 

And maybe I yelled at him, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, you gotta stop disappearing like this. We fucking need you.” 

But I kept playing the song. I could still hear him singing.

##  **GRACE**

Then all the lights went off. I couldn't see or hear Andy anymore. 

And there was another sound, coming from somewhere else. Like a phone ringing, over and over.

##  **STONE**

The ringing next to me woke me up. I was half asleep and probably still a little drunk. I fumbled for it, blinking.

“Um- hello?”

“Stone, you have to come now.”

Someone was crying. 

“You have to come now, you have to get to the hospital now. It’s Andy.”

_I think Seattle is kind of a bad trip for me. There’s a lot there and I can’t stay out of it very long._

No, I knew where he was. He was in Re-bar, dancing. I was there too. We were just right there. 

_I’m not OK, and I don’t know if I ever will be_. 

No, our record was coming out next week. He was OK. He was OK.

But I was in the dark alone on that stage, and I couldn’t hear him any more. 

“Stone?”

His stupid laugh. His hand touching my face on a street corner. 

_It’s very important to forgive him._

“Stone?”


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a flash forward! + soft smut warning.

##  **SARA**

##  **MTV VMAs, September 1993**

I was standing by the bar, watching everyone. It wasn’t lost on me that, having always been a watcher, now watching was my job. Seeing, and writing about what I saw. It was what I’d always wanted. But sometimes, places like this; it was like being in some kind of zoo, feeling like I was standing on the other side of glass, seeing their colors and being fascinated, but still an outsider. I remember when Cameron got me my first job at Rolling Stone. The day I called him freaking out from a hotel suite in LA, when Axl Rose had just walked out of our interview and told me I was a “total fucking amateur”. Cameron told me to breathe. Told me it was the game. He said it had been the same for him, when he was a kid. 

I didn’t usually cover awards ceremonies. I liked talking to people, trying to find some heart in the tattooed, cursing ancient rockers that lounged in hotel bathrobes slightly open to show off shrivelled packages, the way they’d try and psyche me out or tell me I was too pretty to be a writer. I knew how to handle myself better these days. I spent the best part of a week with Iggy Pop in Miami, watching him miscount his change when he bought his cigarettes in bulk at the same tiny Cuban bodega, going for walks along the beach and listening to him talk about how New York was so fucking over. Or the time I went to Jimmy Page’s apartment and he made me cups of tea, the same English brand my grandma loved, and when I told him that he said if we were ever over there at the same time he’d take me to the Ritz. 

It never felt like work. I had a vague feeling it wasn’t what I really wanted to do, but it was exciting. Money, planes, drugs if you wanted them - I never did, not after Seattle, Andy. Home was New York now, the lower East Side, but I was never there. And right now, I was in LA, in a spacey round building ringed with palm trees, the late summer air left behind. Watching. And trying to be invisible, because they were here. The ghosts of most people’s pasts are easy enough to avoid, but some of mine just happened to be rock megastars who’d won four awards that night...

“Sara?”

Then I turned my head, and there he was. For the first time in more than three years. Stone. The universe had to be laughing at me right now. It hadn’t exactly been neat, the way I left us. 

From the distance of my seat in the top tiers, he’d seemed so much smaller on stage. But he’d always been more than a head taller than me. His hair was cut short, he was wearing a stupid ironic tshirt, but his big green eyes were clear and his smile was still the same. I stared at him. He must have been six feet away, and neither of us moved for a minute, then I was like -

“Hey.”

He laughed, incredulous. “You look exactly the same.”

I had to laugh too, looking at my tight black dress and done nails, thinking - _bullshit_. “You cut your hair,”I said, still finding it hard to get my head around. It kind of suited him, but it was so different. The angles of his face were more pronounced, he’d lost that softness or something. 

Stone smiled, immediately touching it, then came a little closer so we could hear each other over the dance music being pumped through the rooms, the congratulatory chattering of industry people all around.

“Yeah, it’s kind of easier on tour,”he said.

_Were we really talking about hair right now?_

“So, um - well. You guys are doing pretty great.” The understatement of the century, I thought.

He shrugged, either too modest or too fucking cool. “We don’t really care much about, um, video or, like, awards,”he said. I laughed out loud and he narrowed his eyes, smiling. “What?”

“Sure.”

He shook his head, still smiling. “It’s not what we’re about.”

I wasnt going to argue. “OK. That’s fair, I guess.” I remembered what he’d said that day at Discovery Park, how it would make a great video. And how I’d felt when I saw the Temple of the Dog video in the New York office. All those mixed feelings about that time in our lives. _“It’s about their friend who died, apparently. Overdose. Singer in a Seattle band-“ “Mother Love Bone,”_ I said, straight away. Everyone was always talking about Pearl Jam, like Andy and Mother Love Bone had never even existed.

“Here for work?”Stone said, staring at me. His hands were in his pockets, but he was leaning a little closer to me. 

“Yeah, I work for Rolling Stone now,”I said, kind of shyly. I still couldnt quite believe it, every time I said it.

“That’s great.” He raised an eyebrow. “I thought you might have stayed label-side.”

“Oh, no. Sub Pop was crazy enough for me. Cameron actually got me an in at the magazine, and - here I am.” I smiled.

“You see anyone else tonight? Alice are here, and Nirvana.”

I nodded. “I mean, I saw them on the red carpet.” Kurt was with Courtney, and I didn’t want to make it weird. I hadn’t seen him for years either, but when I bumped into Dave Grohl at a drum store signing in New York he said Kurt still talked about me drunk sometimes. But that was my old life. I’d kind of just been waiting for the ceremony to end and it was a respectable time for me to leave, which was probably right about now. The notebook in my purse full of platitudes about the _grunge takeover._ My nineteen year old self would’ve died. 

“You want to come and meet the other guys?”he said. “Jeff, Mike- um, Eddie, I don’t think you met him, but-”

“I probably still owe Mike’s video store money,”I quipped, and he smiled. “Um, no. It’s OK. It’s been a while, and this is you guys’ night. Congratulations, by the way.”

“Thanks.”

“Not that you care, obviously.” I smiled.

“Right.”

Then there was that weird moment when we both looked at each other and all of the stuff from way back, just suddenly bubbled back up, and I thought- _oh no._

“I should probably head back to my hotel, anyway. I’ve got a flight back to New York in the morning,”I said. 

Stone nodded slowly, and I could tell there was something else going on behind his big eyes. “Oh. It was good seeing you.”

“Yeah,”I said, feeling kind of self conscious all of a sudden.

“You’re leaving LA tomorrow?”

I nodded, trying to resist the urge to fix my hair.

“Well, um - If you’re not too tired, we could like, go get a drink somewhere quieter. Catch up. If you wanted,”he said. 

I stared at him. “It’s like, midnight.”

“I think the hotel bar is open all night.”

“ _Your_ hotel bar?”

He smiled. nodded. His eyes glittering with that same mischief. I couldnt help laughing in disbelief. But -

“OK, um. Sure. If you really want to leave,”I said.

“I told you. I hate these things.”

The ride back to his hotel in Studio City was kind of surreal. All the flashing lights, signs and noise, the heat coming off of the streets, and the silent car, our hands not touching on the expensive leather seats. _What was I doing?_ I should’ve known nothing would ever be simple between us, it never had been. 

Then Stone looked at me, and said quietly, “You look really good, by the way.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

“Kind of thought I’d never see you again.”

I nodded. “Me too. Well. Except all over TV and newsstands.”

We both laughed, and it broke the ice a little more. He was still beautiful. He seemed older. Maybe a little more confident. But it was still him. Still Stone. I had this sudden urge to break the space between us and kiss him, touch his face. I guess he felt it too because he looked away, shaking his head slightly, biting his lip. I suddenly just wanted to get to the hotel. 

“No more buses, huh?”I said, then, remembering the couple of times we’d tried to make change for the bus, at the end of crazy late nights in Seattle. 

He smiled. “Yeah, the label just keep sending us these nice cars, I don’t know.” He fidgeted with his watch, which was so him, and I giggled. He wasn’t some rockstar asshole like I kind of assumed they’d all turned into. 

When we got out at the hotel Stone tipped the driver and then we went in, still not touching. It was much nicer than my hotel. There were goddamn palm trees in the lobby, a rushing fountain centerpiece. I tried not to act fazed.

“The bar’s on the tenth floor,” Stone said. “It’s cool. View of the whole city.”

“What floor are you on?”I asked casually as we got to the elevator. 

He looked at me. “Fifth.”

I pressed the 5 button on the elevator keypad, then looked at him. His eyes were so intense, creased with a quizzical smile. And I didn’t feel like myself. Maybe it was the three of glasses of wine at the ceremony. Or maybe it was unfinished business. 

There was an old couple in the elevator with us. I tried not to catch Stone’s eye in the mirrored glass, tried not to giggle at the ridiculousness of the situation. When we got out at his floor I found myself thinking, _oh my god, did I put on matching underwear this morning?_ Of all the things I could think at that moment. 

He stopped outside his door. Number 521. We looked at each other. I opened my mouth like I was going to say something, but I had nothing. He smiled, that smile that used to drive me crazy - like he was laughing at me.

“What?” I said, smiling too.

“Just, um. This,”Stone said. “You.” 

Then, he stepped closer to me, took my face in his hand and looked at me for a few moments, before he kissed me, literally taking my breath away. I kissed him back, immediately, the sensations hitting me all at once, the familiarity and difference of him, the way his lips felt the same, taking me back to nights in my shitty Queen Anne apartment, or that day on the deserted beach in the middle of winter. The kiss deepened, became urgent, and he pushed me gently against the door, his body right against mine, the warm leather smell of his jacket filling my senses. It was like some kind of crazy dream. _Three years._

I broke away, trying to catch my breath. “We should, um-”

He nodded, his face close to mine. “Yeah.”

“Go inside.”

“I know.” He kissed me again, and I felt the ache go all the way through me. 

I pushed against him gently. “Now.”

He laughed, breaking the kiss. “OK.” 

He got his keys out of his pocket and fumbled with them in the lock. For some reason it took me back again, to the first night we ever spent together, when I couldnt open the goddamn door for the life of me. We both laughed, he must have remembered it too. I tried to steady my breathing but then he pulled me through the door and pushed me against the wall, kissing me and throwing off his jacket, his hands in my hair, pulling me closer to him. I tugged at his tshirt, smiling into the kiss as I thought, _who would wear this to an awards show?_

I knew we should probably just go get a drink, talk more, break the ice or whatever, but - Stone was unzipping my dress at the back and I was pulling off his shirt and then we were on the bed, this enormous, ridiculously comfortable bed - it was a _very_ nice hotel - and he was on top of me, his hands all over me, running over the curves I don’t know if I had three, four years ago, and I was like- _does he still think I’m attractive? What..? Of course he does, you’re doing this._ I moaned softly into the kiss, as he undid my bra and caressed me with his fingertips, kissing my nipples gently and tracing them with his tongue. I could feel how hard he was already, and I wanted him so much. It was like no time had passed at all. Weird, how that could be.

His hand travelled down over my waist, slipped under the edge of my panties, touching me firmly but gently, remembering what I liked. _He remembers_. He watched me as he slipped a finger inside me easily, I was so wet. I closed my eyes, somehow embarrassed at how responsive I still was to his touch. He leaned in to kiss me again, his tongue teasing mine as he slid my underwear down slowly. He was that little bit older now, a little more assured, and it was so hot I felt like I was close already. He moved down and kissed my stomach and then lower, making me gasp at the contact of his soft mouth, my fingers in his short hair, surprised for a moment that it wasn’t still long and tangling. Soon I was coming, hard, my body contracting under his hands. I pulled him up to me, breathing his name amidst a string of expletives, and then he was going to his jacket, getting a condom and putting it on carefully, then he was back on the bed with me, pushing my legs apart with his and pressing into me. He looked at me, waiting for me to say _yes, I want this,_ and I nodded - then he slowly pushed inside me, claiming my mouth for another deep kiss. 

When I felt him move in me I was suddenly emotional, overcome with all the feelings I’d buried for years. He pulled me close, and it was so strange to see the clear lines of his face not hidden behind his hair. As we moved together he groaned into my neck, his body trembling a little. 

“God, you’re so beautiful,”he said, breathlessly. He pulled lightly on my hair to kiss me hard, pressed his forehead to mine. “Where the fuck did you go?”

I stopped and opened my eyes, his question taking me by surprise. 

We looked at each other for what felt like a long moment.

“Where did you go ?”he said softly, barely moving. his eyes intense on mine, his hand gently touching my face.

I looked away. I couldn’t stop thinking about that week in the cabin with Stone after Andy died. His tears on my neck, the sound of his guitar behind closed doors. The snow melting on the ground. The way we were together, when everything seemed black. _I’m so mad at him_ , he’d said. Lying in my arms, drained, quiet. _I don’t ever wanna go back._ He’d trusted me.

“Forget it,”he said after a moment, the weight of him on me bringing me back. “It doesn’t matter now.”

I stared past him at the room, suddenly had to try hard not to cry.

“Sara,” he said softly, stopping again.

I sat up a little, he moved out of me and sat back on his knees, staring at me. “Are you OK?”

“I’m sorry,”I said, reaching for the rumpled sheet and pulling it around me, uselessly. “I should go.”

“You don’t have to go.”

I fingered the expensive bed linen, looking at my hands. 

“I don’t know why I said that, um. I just-“ he started.

“It’s fine,”I said.

Stone sighed. He didn’t say anything for a minute, then-

“You took off like that, and like - you never came back.”

I looked at him. He sounded - not mad, but just sad. Confused. Even after three years. 

“I had to,”I said. “Grace needed me.”

He nodded, but I could tell what he was thinking: _So did I._

_“_ I missed you,” he said.

“I’m sorry,”I said, again. And I really was. “I’m here now.” Conscious of the cool silence of the room, of the race of my heart. And both of us naked on the bed. _How did this even happen?_

“Yeah,”he said, fidgeting with his hands, like he always used to.

“Come here,”I said gently. Not moving. 

Stone looked at me, his eyes searching. I let go of the sheet covering me, felt his eyes on my body. I tried not to blush or look away. He moved towards me, taking me in his arms and pushing me down. We kissed for a while, learning each other again, taking our time, before I reached down and guided him into me. I wrapped my legs around him, our bodies finding the rhythm of it, both of us trembling, breathing hard. He rocked his hips into me, making me dig my nails into his skin and cry out. He was still the best I’d ever been with. It lasted a long time, neither of us wanting to rush, and when it was over we lay gasping, holding each other, the smell of his skin still the same underneath. 

I buried my face in his chest. Trying not to think about the way I left Seattle, before. How hurt he must have been. 

The silent drive with Stone, back from the cabin. The marquee on the theater where they held Andy’s memorial, proudly bearing his name. Layne sobbing in the corner at Kelly’s house. Grace and the two airline tickets, the way she couldn’t even cry, and me saying - _Yes, let’s go_. 

Eventually sleep came, and when I woke up the bedside clock said it was past four. I knew I had to leave. There was nothing I could do about it. 

I watched his perfect sleeping face and kissed his cheek, so lightly. He barely stirred. I got up quietly and pulled on my underwear and dress. 

Before I left, I wrote my New York number on the notepad by the bed, and-

_‘It was really good to see you. Got a plane to catch. Sara’_


	45. Chapter 45

##  **SARA The night of the last MLB show - 9 March 1990**

I stood outside the Central Tavern for a little while, after I left. I didn’t have anywhere to be, actually - I just felt like I had to go. I couldn’t ruin that night for them. Up there on stage, they were incandescent. And so loved. You could feel it. I stood right at the back by the door, watching the audience as much as the band, the energy in that room. I couldn’t stop smiling. I was so glad I came. 

At one point, Andy looked out and I swear we made eye contact, and he grinned, yelled “To all you people in the bleachers, I’ll see y’all again real soon!” They were so much bigger than this place, bigger than Seattle. And when they all hugged on stage - even Stone and Jeff - I knew everything was gonna be OK with them. I guess I’d needed to see that. 

But then, Stone found me. And that kiss, like - it felt right, and I didnt want it to end. He was even more gorgeous than I remembered, he looked like a total rock star, and he seemed so _happy_. It was all I could do to not just say, _let’s get out of here right now._

“Thanks for coming down,” he said, then. Which made me laugh. And through all our small talk about bands, I could tell we were both thinking- _what happens now?_

But when he asked me to stay, I glanced over and saw Jeff talking to Andy - and I knew I couldnt. I didn’t want to make anything awkward, not that night. It was their night.

So I left. The shock of the kiss still vibrating through me, my heart telling me to stay, my head saying go. When it was too cold to stand around out there, I went to a phone box and called Grace. She picked u[ after a few rings, sounding sleepy. She didnt ask too many questions, just told me to come over. I crawled into her bed and we slept side by side, the bed surrounded by photographs and her collage stuff, the faint smell of glue and paint in the room, somehow comforting.

The next morning we lay in her bed drinking these tiny ceramic cups of coffee and talking, as the city woke up outside the window. 

“So it’s still Stone, huh?”she said, smiling into her cup. “I guess it wasnt just a phase.”

“I mean - I left,”I said, shrugging. “I don’t really know what to do now. It wasn’t the right time, but also, I kind of really _got_ it - like, they’re _doing this_ now. They’re gonna be this big famous band and all the drama, all the stuff back here, it’s not even gonna matter. They’re going to LA and stuff, I mean, who knows if they’ll ever really be back, you know?”

Grace nodded. “It’s crazy. I remember when all those guys were just getting started. Soundgarden, Malfunkshun. Cornell when he had short hair, my God.” She smiled. “And now nobody’s ever home anymore. I mean, it’s good. But it’s kind of sad, too.”

“Feels like I got here about three years too late,”I said, drinking my coffee. 

“Mm. I mean, those times were weird too. Stone and Alicia, all of Andy’s stuff. All the weird ass places we used to have to go to shows. But hey, um - I was meaning to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m, um - I’m applying to art school.”

“ _Wow_ , Gracey!”

“In New York.”

I stared at her. She was playing with the swirly beaded comforter on her bed, picking at the sequins. 

“That’s… amazing!”I said, my mind racing.

“Well. If I get in.”

“You will definitely get in.”

“Nooo, you’ll jinx it!” she giggled, and I shook my head, trying to process it. Grace was my last real friend left in Seattle. If she left, wouldn’t it be like starting over again? I tried to push down my anxiety and just be happy for her.

“So that’s what all this stuff is for?”I asked, motioning at the floor, the brushes and glue and pictures. Grace nodded. There seemed to be a few different ideas around. One set of pictures, I recognised a younger Alicia, her kohl-rimmed eyes and blond hair. “Wait, is that Stone?”I said, pointing at the photo. “I didn’t recognise him with the red hair.”

Grace cracked up. “Oh my god, the red hair! _Yes!_ I think it was a dare from Mark Arm gone wrong, they realised pretty quick they’d bought the permanent kind, not the wash in wash out. I mean, honestly it kind of worked for him though.”

I looked at the other picture next to it, the beautiful sepia-toned young girl with Hollywood curls and Alicia’s smile. “Her grandma?”

“Yeah, it was some kind of bullshit idea I had, about the past echoing in the present. I couldn’t really make it work,”Grace said, biting her lip. “Too trite, I don’t know.”

“Who’s that?”I asked, pointing at another pile of photos. A little short-haired guy I didnt quite recognise, his face whited out with makeup in one of them. In another photo he was covering his face with both hands, standing on the edge of a fountain.

“Oh, um. That’s Andy,”Grace said. “Years ago, that would’ve been - 86 probably.”

“He looks so young.”

She smiled, shook her head a little. “He _is_ so young.”

“I’m glad I went to go see them,”I said, finishing my coffee. “He was so great.”

“Really?”Grace asked, and I could tell she really needed to hear it.

“Yeah. He was really great.”

When I got home, I found a little green stuffed bear in my mailbox with a four leaf clover on its stomach. The note just said, in messy block capitals:

“SAW THIS AT THE THRIFT STORE NEAR MY APARTMENT AND THOUGHT OF YOU. YOU DON’T NEED IT, BUT GOOD LUCK W/ EVERYTHING. BRUCE PAVITT SAID YOU’RE KILLING IT THERE. AND SORRY FOR BEFORE. JEFF” 

I held the little bear to my chest. He had to have dropped it off while I was at work yesterday. It was so Jeff. I smiled all the way into my apartment, where I saw the machine blinking and pressed the button without thinking too much. It was from Stone.

_Sorry if that was, like, too much, but um, it was really good to see you. Maybe give me a call back, if you want, or- yeah. I’m glad you enjoyed the show tonight. Next time it’ll be a real place, I swear._

I don’t know why I didn’t call him back. At first, that day, it was because I didnt know exactly what I wanted to happen. I put the Good Luck Bear between Friend Bear’s paws in the corner of my room, made my bed and tidied. It was good to have some time to myself after another crazy work week. And somehow, I forgot about Stone’s message. I worked in my notebook, went out for groceries, joined Lil in making a vegetarian casserole for dinner. And it was only when I was getting into bed, bone-tired, that I realised I hadn’t called him back. 

The next day, I took the bus out to Sea-Tac and picked up my mom. She was bundled up and just looked so out of place to me, I realised I’d never even seen her outside of Cleveland.

“How was the flight?!”I asked, giving her a tentative hug - something we were only getting used to the last time I was home. She felt thin, and small, but she was smiling.

“Oh, it was wonderful, honey. We got _three_ servings of coffee, and you know they had those Hostess cupcakes I like, I stashed some in my purse.”

“Outrageous, Mom,”I said, rolling my eyes. “I’m glad you came.”

“Well. I said I would, and Dad’s life insurance came through, so - “ She broke off, seeming a little flustered, and I shepherded her to the bus station, asked her how her little garden was coming along and emphatically changed the subject every time she asked about my ex, Logan. Things seemed to have changed so much in a little under four months. She was doing better, and so was I. 

“Oh, lovely. The blue geraniums you told me about,”she said, pointing as we walked up the steps to my building. “You know your Nanna loved those? She said it reminded her of her granny’s house in Yorkshire. Only one room, imagine it, but always blue geraniums growing in the front.”

“She never went back, did she?” I asked, thinking of my beloved Nanna. 

“Not in forty-two years,”said Mom, unpacking some clothes from her little suitcase and placing them neatly on the bed. “She always said she’d take you, but- it was a long way back. She used to say, ‘the past is the past’, you know: try to look forward.” 

_Life’s one Long Honeymoon for the War Brides!_ I remembered that headline I’d seen on the yellowed old paper Nanna kept in a box under her bed, the photo of her smiling with two other girls waving Union Jacks on a steamboat. The headline had been wrong, though. It hadn’t been an easy life, for her.

“I wanna go to England someday,”I said, before I really knew I was thinking it. She smiled and nodded.

“You will, honey. Someday I’m sure you’ll get there.”

We went for a walk around the neighbourhood and she said she loved how green everything was, the flowers and trees that lined every street. We ate pizza from the place down the street and I made her laugh talking about the grape pizza topping Stone told me they’d had in California. She loosened up a little and wanted to know more about my life, my friends. I told her about Alicia, knowing she’d get a kick out of the fact her grandma had been a Hollywood starlet, about Meg’s move to LA and how me and Grace were going to go visit her soon. I showed her photos and show flyers, tried to explain my life to her. 

“And - wasn’t there a boy, or something?”she said, concentrating hard on her plain pizza.

“Um, kind of. We’re not really seeing each other anymore. He’s in a band, their record is out next week, actually. Like, a real record, it’d be in like, Tower and everything.” I realised I was kind of babbling. She caught my eye and I blushed. Just then the phone rang, but I shook my head, said it was OK. Whoever it was didn't leave a message.

That night Mom slept in my bed with me, something we probably hadn’t done since I was tiny. The shape of her was so comforting, and I slept better than I had in forever. I couldn’t wait to show her everything I loved about Seattle. 

##  **MEG, Los Angeles**

I woke up in Jack’s bed again, blinking sleep out of my eyes and realising the faint, annoying sound was coming from my alarm in the living room, where my sofa bed stayed unmade. 

“Shit”, I mouthed, trying not to wake him as I shimmed out of the rumpled sheets and padded quietly across his floor. He didn’t wake. I think he’d been sleeping better, since I’d been around. I didn’t exactly mean for it to happen, but what started as comfort had turned into sex, sometimes, and I didnt know how I felt about it, or how he did. It was what it was. The first time, I was lying holding him on a bad night, and then he turned to me and kissed me, tentatively, giving me every chance to say no. But I didnt want to say no. I thought about all the meaningless sex I’d had in Seattle. All those band guys, I could’ve been anybody to them. And I tried not to think about that night with Chris at his party. _Don’t be dumb,_ he’d said. Something stopped me, with him. 

But with Jack, it felt… nice. Real. He was still one of the sweetest guys I’d ever known, since that crazy night we met at SCREAM years ago. Whenever we hooked up before it was kind of drunk and stupid. But now, it felt different. I didnt want to get up and go back to my bed after, which for me, was kind of huge, dumb as that sounds.

I put some coffee on the pot and tidied the living room a little as I got ready for work. The sun was streaming in through the windows, it hit 80 in LA the last couple days which was crazy to me given it was March. I’d got a sous chef job at a French place in Ventura where my limited French knowledge from Ray’s came in handy for cursing at the moody busboys, and I’d rented a kind of cranky little car from a place down the street. Evenings, I’d cook for me and Jack and sometimes his friends. That night we were having Eddie over, he was bummed out because his band Bad Radio was done. I needed to go to the Mexican market and pick up stuff for enchiladas, and I was just making the day’s list in my head when Jack surfaced, rubbing his eyes, only in his boxers. 

“I’ve gotta run, but there’s coffee,”I said, feeling weirdly shy, like I sometimes did these mornings. We hadn’t talked about what was going on between us and the last thing I wanted was to make stuff weirder for him than it already was. 

“Thanks,”he said, leaning against the counter. It was a lot cleaner of an apartment than the one I’d arrived at a few weeks back. “For, um. Everything.”

I stared at him, then cracked up. “Please say you mean everything except the sex.”

He laughed, and like always, it warmed my heart to see that. “I mean, the sex was pretty great too.”

“Only _pretty_ great?” I realised I was running way too late to be flirting right now, but he looked extremely cute, his hair all ruffled from bed, and that cheeky look in his eye. It reminded me of the old Jackie, the guy who ran down Sunset with Grace clinging onto his back, the guy who taught us how to moon walk and whose riffing with Hillel could make us crease up with laughter. I couldn’t help going to him and kissing him, firmly, lingeringly. He kissed me back, holding me close to his warm body. I was definitely gonna be late for work. 

“OK, it was _awesome,_ ”he said, brushing back a stray strand that had escaped from my hasty ponytail. “I like you being here.”

I smiled, and kissed him again. “I like it too.” I broke away, then. “Shit, I really gotta go. You see those ads I circled in the zine?” I didnt want to push, but it’d be nice to see him excited about drumming again. He nodded, inscrutable again, and I grabbed my keys from the table “Just think about it, huh?”

On the way to work I sang along with every song on the radio. _March 16th 1990 and it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. So here’s a little Bill Withers to get you started right._ My heart felt so full right then. Like everything was right as it should be, after all those years.

When I got home, Eddie was already there, his yellow truck already kind of an in-joke between me and Jack. They were sitting on the front steps drinking beers. Eddie was wearing a white tshirt that showed up his tan, he was even cuter than I remembered and I thought: _no, Meg, he has a girlfriend, and you’re kind of in a thing with Jack, stop._ I mean, not that any of that was helped by the fact that Cornell had sent me a postcard from Dublin, a picture of a redhead leprechaun holding a Guinness in each hand, his almost illegible writing on the back: _“greetings from the motherland. Hope LA’s treating you right. C”._ No, I wasnt gonna think about Chris right now. Or, ever again. 

“Hi!” I said as I walked up the path to Jack’s building. “How’s it going? Still Crazy?”

Eddie smiled shyly, looked down at his beer. Out of context - the beach or a show - he had this shyness that was seriously endearing. Not Crazy Eddie at all. “Uh, only a little,”he said, pushing a hand through his hair, raking the tangles.

“He got that nickname on a hiking trip,”Jack said.

“Well, I can imagine that would get pretty crazy,”i said, dryly, and Eddie looked at me, not getting it, which made me laugh. He didnt really get the whole Northern sarcasm thing, for all his talk of being a Chicago boy. “So, um - I hope you like enchiladas.” I held up the tote with my stuff for dinner. 

“Actually I love ‘em,”Eddie said. “Kind of been foraging the past few days, Beth’s back in Chicago, so-“

“Oh, well, I bought way too much, so please be hungry,”I said.

“You want a beer?”Jack said, getting up and taking the bag off of me. “Sit.”

“Sure,”I said, sitting down next to Eddie, not able to help noticing that sea-salt smell he had, the tiny freckles on his arms. He seemed a little down, and I remembered about his band breaking up. “Hey, I heard about Bad Radio. That sucks.”

“Mm,”he said, playing with the ring pull of his beer. “It wasn’t doing so great, but- yeah. Kinda feeling it, now it’s over.”

I thought about the show I’d been to in San Diego. They were good, but I remember thinking he was the best thing about them by a long way. “There’s other bands, right? This is LA, so...”

“That's right,”he said, though he didnt sound totally convinced. “Just kinda working right now, writing a little. It’s cool. Get more time to surf anyway.”

I remembered having this depressing conversation with Regan Hagar at the Vogue, right after Stone, Jeff and Andy ditched him for Greg Gilmore, a couple years back. He was sitting on his own, drinking the cheapest beer. I realised I’d never seen him without Andy before, they were so tight for a long time. Andy was nowhere to be seen. And I felt irrationally pissed at those guys, because Regan was their friend. Andy was telling everybody Malfunkshun was still his “main band”, like he was fricking Peter Gabriel or something. But we all knew Malfunkshun were dead. 

_“You OK?”I said, hanging awkwardly by his table. Regan shrugged. At the time I was just thinking how cute he was and how great his arms were, which - well. I guess I was like, eighteen._

_“Yeah. I guess.”_

_“That was kind of shitty, what happened with the new band.” I couldnt remember their name. “Lord of the Rings?”_

_Regan shook his head, solemnly. “Lords of the Wasteland,”he said, as if it was the most serious band name ever, like it was even a real band. I couldnt help laughing and I still feel bad about that._

_“You wanna dance?”I said. It was that INXS song, everyone pretended to hate it but I fucking loved it. I started swaying kind of drunkenly, singing to Regan, “I need you tonight, cause I’m not sleeping-“_

_He laughed, then, and put his beer down, next to all his other empty cans. “Why the fuck not.”_

_Dancing, that was always how I felt better. And as we went into the crowd of bodies I was like: “It’s gonna be OK. Their thing’s never gonna happen, trust me. It’s not gonna happen.”_

_And Regan shook his head, said - “This is the first time in like five years I haven’t been in a fucking band. Like, I don’t even know who I am anymore, fuck.”_

_And I hugged him, then, right there in the middle of the sea of bodies. I just hugged him, hard, felt him slump against my shoulders._

He’d seemed so sad. Just like Eddie did, right now.

“Well, y’know my mom always says, everything happens for a reason,”I said to Eddie, stretching out my legs in the evening sun. He smiled.

“I don’t know if I believe that,”he said, finishing his beer.

“No?”

“I think you gotta take some control. Like, I’m not gonna sit around and wait for something. Jesus, maybe it _was_ my fuckin’ fault the band didnt work out.” I looked at him, kind of surprised by the change in him, that sudden intensity. “The whole like, fate thing, it’s kind of a cop out, isn’t it?”

“I just meant, maybe it wasn’t, like, meant to be.” I felt kind of like a dumbass saying that.

“I need to figure something out,”Eddie said, crumpling his beer can. He was surprisingly strong. “You know anyone needs a long haired singer guy?”

I didnt know if he was kidding, but I just smiled. “I feel like it’s kind of a crowded market right now.”

“Lot of long haired singer guys in Seattle?”

“Yeah. But no cute ones.”

There was an awkward moment, and then Eddie aughed, showing all his straight white teeth, and I laughed too. “Woah,”he said. “Didn’t realise I was getting a side of compliments with my enchiladas.”

“That was the last one.”

“Oh, thanks.”

Jack came out holding more beers, and I felt weirdly guilty for the flirting. He winked at me as he handed me a beer, and I remembered how nice last night was. He and Eddie started talking about the new Fugazi record, and it was nice to see him so relaxed, excited about something. I got up to go make the food, enjoying the quiet of the apartment and singing along to the radio as I prepped. Food was always the comforter in my house, the way my family showed love. Maybe I could do that for the guys, that night. I didnt know a lot about hardcore music, but I knew a damn lot about dinner.

Late that night, after Eddie and Jack messed around on guitars and even acquiesced to some of my more outlandish requests, including Michael Jackson and Cyndi Lauper, I lay in bed with Jack, tracing the bony outlines of his chest. He was peaceful. 

“Remember Hillel’s sitar?”he said, into the darkness. I looked up, surprised. Because we never talked about Hillel. Every time I tried, he shut down.

“Oh my god, yes,”I said, remembering. “He called me and played it to me down the phone. I felt like I was in some kind of 60s fever dream.”

Jack cracked up, kissed my hair. I smiled. _Hillel_. That crazy kid, failing at making margaritas in the tiny kitchen he shared with three other guys, having silly walks contests with Jack down the boardwalk in Venice while me and Grace pretended not to know them. _You telling me you seriously never had Guatemalan food before, Irish? I have to show you everything?_ I’d always remember him like that. 

“That fucking guy,”Jack said, a smile in his voice, and I kissed his cheek, softly. He looked at me. “Sometimes I worry, like... that I’m gonna forget.”

“No,”I said, laying my head on his shoulder. “You won’t forget. But you’re allowed to keep living.”

“Yeah,”he said, holding me close to him. “I think I’m gonna try it.”

##  **ALICIA, Paris**

The Paris night was chilly, studded with lights. The smell of the river carried into the little room where I was staying, some hostel close to Notre Dame where three sets of bunkbeds crowded for space. Some Swedish girl moved all my stuff from the top bunk to the bottom, pretended not to speak English when I got pissed about it. I’d spent a lot of time wandering the streets, looking at the buildings, getting lost down covered alleyways and spending too much money on tiny coffees in street cafes, watching people. I went to New York first. I dont know what I was looking for there, exactly. My mom, striding down Fifth in her sixties chic, before I came along and fucked it all up for her? Green River, their pain in the ass ghosts arguing outside CBGB over whose turn it was to load the van? Or maybe, myself - that little kid i’d been, years back, eating a sundae the size of my face and not saying a word as my mom and dad bitched at each other in a booth at Serendipity. I didnt find any of them. The city was huge and hard. I felt invisible for the first time in my life. Then I saw a painting of Paris by night in a shitty antique store and I thought, _why not?_

I wasn’t gonna let myself cry about Stone, the mess I’d made, about my life in Seattle (or lack thereof). I was going to disappear, and be reborn. A whole new me, in a whole new place.

But then, that cold March night, right at the top of the Eiffel Tower with vertigo shaking my core, when I looked over there other side of the platform and saw Andy Wood, wrapped in his ancient stained fur coat, shades perched on top of his head, looking out at all the lights with the biggest smile on his face - I thought, _you can never really escape the past, can you?_

And this weird memory came into my mind. 

_I was seventeen, I was dancing with Andy at Monastery. It was like, a Stevie Nicks song playing and we were yelling the words at each other, we were fucked up but so high right then, I remember it was so hot in there because the place was totally condemned and stuff was always breaking down and Andy’d taken off his shirt, maybe I even had too. We were right by the DJ, and he was wearing his monk outfit- long brown robe, big plastic cross._

_“Tell me something real!”I yelled, out of nowhere. I dont know why. It was one of those stupid drugged up conversations._

_And then he sang, “Stoney’s in love with you!”_

_And at that time, nothing had even happened between me and Stone, he was still kind of just my dorky childhood friend, and I was like - “What the fuck? That’s not-”_

_And he laughed. “I said Stoney’s fucking in love with you, and it’s gonna be a mess!” He shook his head, laughed some more, still dancing. “Now you tell me something!”_

_And then I said, out of nowhere: “You’re not gonna make it!”_

_Andy stared at me for a long moment, his pupils huge, and he said- “What?!”_

_And I remember just thinking it so clearly and saying it again. “You’re not gonna make it, man.”_

I pushed through the crowds gathering up there at the top of the Tower, but then he was gone. Like he’d never been there at all. I thought, he saw me and he was like- _get out of here._ I felt crappy about it, honestly, all the way back to the hotel. 

But then, after a few beers with some leery Australian guys in the basement bar, I went to the pay phone by the bathrooms and dialled Grace. She didn’t pick up. But shitty as I felt about Andy cutting me dead, it made me brave.

“Hey, Gracey. It’s me, um. It’s Alicia.” I played with the greasy phone cord, feeling nervous all of a sudden. That was not my thing at all. “I wanted to call you to say, um. Well. I’m sorry for leaving like that, for going dark, or whatever, I- I’m ok. And I hope you are. I’m sorry.” I knew it wasn’t enough. She was my best friend. She worried so much about everybody. “So I’m in Paris, uh- it’s real late here, but I wanted to say I’m here, and it made me think of you a lot. And also, this is really weird, but- I saw Andy. I was at the Eiffel Tower tonight and I swear to God I saw him on the viewing platform, but it was super crowded and I guess he didn’t see me because then he was gone. I thought that was weird, but maybe they booked some Europe shows, or- I don’t know. I mean, maybe it was some other guy, but I was so sure it was him.” I bit my lip, knowing it sounded like bullshit. I could hear the Australian guys yelling drunkenly around the corner, and I suddenly just felt so tired. “I mean, he looked really happy, so I guess things are going well for them. Could you tell Stoney, um -“ I thought about it. I didn't know what I wanted to say to him. Anything that he'd wanna hear, anyway. “Well, never mind. I don’t know how long I’m gonna be here, but I’ll try and call you again."

I went up to my plastic bed and fell asleep in my clothes. Then I had the weirdest dream. 

I was at some bar in Seattle with Grace. Stone and Andy were on the little stage, playing this T Rex song, and I felt so many things: mad, sad, mixed up about everything. Stoney looked so pretty up there, I realised I’d never really _seen_ how pretty he was, bent over his guitar, deep in concentration. _Missed chances. Endings._ I wanted to leave, but Grace wouldn’t go.

Then Andy looked over and saw us, and he smiled at me. That way he had where you felt like you were the only person in the room. God, we used to have so much fun. Him in his makeup, spinning me. _Tell me something real._ I smiled back, and he jumped off the stage, coming towards me, but then the lights started getting lower and I looked over to see what was going on and then it all went dark. I woke up sweating, tangled in the thin sheet, so aware of my heart going crazy.

That day I looked in every record store for Mother Love Bone show posters, flyers, something to say they might be here, in Paris. But I didn’t find anything at all.

##  **SARA**

The Sub Pop office move was hectic to say the least, but after the long weekend with my mom I didnt even care. We’d walked and talked for hours, she freaked out over the Arboretum and all the flowers coming into early bloom. When I talked about my job she couldn’t stop smiling, and it made me feel so good. 

The truth was, after a couple months at Sub Pop, I did love it. I felt part of something - I liked the challenge of each day, the crazy characters and the weird camaraderie of our little office. It was something that was mine, that I could build on. It wasn’t emotional, or dramatic, or painful, it was just… work. Interesting work. I never saw myself as a career oriented person in my life, but here I was. Just the other day Bruce was talking about the Sub Pop UK office - he said it was really just some guy’s bedroom right now, but it could really turn into something, and maybe if the new Mudhoney record went well they’d fly me over there to help out. It was so far beyond anything i’d imagined when I was working at the fucking skate shop, or folding old clothes at the Dollar Bin.

“He’s the author you loved in high school, right?”Mom said, when I was telling her about Cameron Crowe. It totally took me by surprise, because honestly, I never thought she paid attention to me in high school. That was when things were really bad with Dad, and most of her time was spent anxiously cleaning the house or avoiding him. “That book you loved. What was it?”

“ _Fast Times at Ridgmont High_ ,”I said.

“That’s it. What an amazing coincidence, to run into the author, huh?”

I nodded, thought about it. “Definitely. I mean, it really is. One of those things that makes you believe in fate, or something -“I shook my head. “I don’t know. That sounds dumb.”

“No, it doesn’t,”she said. “I believe in fate. Always have. Everything happens right as it’s supposed to.”

“You don’t think you get a choice?”

“I think everyone walks the the path they’re meant to take.”

We’d reached the end of the walk through the Japanese rose garden. I watched Mom smell one of the roses, her face so much younger now than I’d remembered it. I wished I had a camera right then, to capture just how she looked. When she caught me looking she looked away, shyly, and I said - “I’m really glad you came.” And I really was.

After I dropped Mom at the airport I went straight to the new office building and helped Maura unpack copious boxes of merch, stationery and all kinds of weird stuff. I put my new little Care Bear from Jeff on my desk, ignoring the shit I got from the guys. Maura would’ve probably dropped dead if I told her it was a gift from Jeff, so I left that part out. It was a total trip, swiping into the fancy building lobby with my card, mingling with the office workers in the cafe underneath, feeling like an adult or something. I’d been so wrapped up in work I hadn’t been to a show in a while, except Mother Love Bone’s gig at the Central. 

That reminded me. I needed to figure out what to do about Stone. Mother Love Bone were doing a show at Easy Street in a few days, and their faces were all over town. It would be the easiest thing in the world to go along to that show, or just call him, ask him to come over. 

I still felt that pull to him, the way I never had to anyone before. It seemed like we kept coming back to each other, and it was easy to say it was just sex, just whatever, but - I felt a connection to him. When he kissed me, I felt like I was falling. Like I couldn’t pull away. And that scared me. I didn’t want to be scared anymore.

In the end I called Stone early Friday night before I went out to meet Mia and some of her friends to go to an open mic thing. I didn’t really expect him to pick up. They had to be crazy busy right now. And he didnt. So I put on my boots and caught the bus downtown to go watch angry girls work it out on a makeshift stage at a shoe store in Belltown, and the whole thing filled me with this weird sense of hope, like: _it’s OK to be mad. It’s OK to be weird. Everything is OK._

_***_

Three messages blinking on the machine.

The kind of hangover that feels like you’re gonna spontaneously combust.

No coffee in the apartment.

A vague memory of kissing some cute guy at the shoe store, and Mia drunkenly yelling in my ear: _Kurt’s kind of into you, is that weird? Did he send you a postcard from Mexico yet?_

And this silence, that tripped me over into this weird sense of panic. No sound but a lone magpie on the lawn outside, calling. It could drive you crazy.

When I remember March 16, 1990, I can still see that magpie, clear as day.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: some flash forward and back in this chapter...

##  **SARA**

##  **New York, December 1993**

I was keeping my head down against the December freeze. They weren’t kidding when they said winter in New York was hard. The cold coming off of the Hudson made me huddle in my coat as I crossed the Brooklyn Bridge.

I’d just been in a three hour meeting about the Christmas issue. “ _The 40 Essential Christmas Albums_ ” had been written off as “too blah”, the _“Here’s how much all the gifts in Eartha Kitt’s ‘Santa Baby’ would cost”_ fluff piece was, however, seen as the utmost in journalistic importance and had been assigned to my irritating associate Jack, who never shut up about his MBA from Columbia, especially since he heard I never went to college. The only other decision made was that I was going to fly to London next week to interview George Michael, a kind of tenuous connection with his one terrible Christmas single. The look on Jack’s face when I got the assignment made it worth it; but then the thought of spending Christmas jet-lagged to hell wasn’t exactly appealing, especially since I needed to fly to my mom’s in Ohio the day after I was due back.

All these things were kind of racing through my mind all the way home to Bushwick, as well as trying to keep all my fingers and toes intact from the cold. I got up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, realised I’d forgotten to turn off the heat yet again before I rushed out in the morning and started taking off layers, that horrible mix of hot and cold as I pressed the blinking button on my machine, only half listening.

“Hey, Sara. It’s Stone.”

I froze.

“I’m in New York, so. Um. I still had your number, and - I thought, maybe we could meet and, um - talk. I guess you’re out right now, but here’s my number at my hotel…”

I stared at the machine, and it took me right back three years to Seattle, standing in my little dingy apartment in Queen Anne. Then I thought about that note I left, back at his LA hotel a few months back. And how fucking inadequate it had seemed, as I sat in the taxi to the airport, still reeling from his kisses, his touch. _It was really good to see you. Got a plane to catch._

What had I been thinking? Going back to his hotel, then leaving a note like that, after what I did back in Seattle after Andy died.

I thought about it as I sat on my couch. But not for very long. And then I called him.

He picked up, and I felt my heart drop.

“Um- hey. It’s Sara.”

“Oh. Jesus. I didn’t think you were gonna call-“

“Is this a bad time?!”

“No, uh-“ I heard him cover the phone and say something to another guy, who might’ve been Jeff, from what I could hear, and then he was back. “I’m glad you did.”

“You said you wanted to, um… talk,”I said, my heart hammering.

“Yeah. Yeah, that would be-“

“Um, it’s kind of a disaster out there, but - you want to come over?”

He paused, just for a second, then he said - “Sure, I can call a cab. Give me your address.”

*

“I can't really believe you’re here,”I said, curling my legs up and moving a little closer to him. Stone laughed, looking around at my living room. 

We didn’t make it very far from the front door. When I’d opened it up, we took each other in for a second and were both like - “Hi”, _awkward,_ and then we kissed, I don't even remember who started it. Both of us. And then somehow we were on my living room floor, the old carpet rough against our skin but hardly noticing it. We didn’t say anything at all, until after. And I had a vague thought that I wasn’t on the pill anymore and we probably should’ve thought about protection, but we hadn’t seen each other in three months since that crazy night, and the feelings running through me made logical thinking kind of difficult.

“It’s nice,”he said, I saw he was looking at the painting above my little TV set. Jeff’s painting. Seattle at night, the bright smudged lights from the top of the ferris wheel. “You kept it,”he said. But he was smiling. 

I nuzzled into him. “Are you jealous?”

“No, I’m pretty sure you like me more than Jeff,”he said, kissing my neck. I giggled. I felt so purely happy, right then. I couldn’t believe this was still the same day that I had the stupid Christmas meetings, or that I’d been freezing on the bridge, alone, just a couple of hours before. 

He was trailing soft kisses from my neck across my jaw and to my mouth, pushing me down gently and pressing his weight against me. I kissed him back, giving into it, still hardly believing he was really there.

“So, um-“ He pulled away, as it got more heated. “Do you actually have a bed, or..?”

I laughed. “Yes, I have a bed.”

“Can I see it?”

I traced my finger over his bottom lip, kissed him again lightly. “Stone.”

“Mm?”

“Are we gonna talk?” _Focus, Sara._

His mind clearly working behind his eyes. “I guess.”

“I mean, you said, in your message-“

He nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I guess we got kinda… distracted.”

We both laughed, and it broke the momentary tension. 

“I’m not complaining,”I said, still trying to get over the fact he was there, on top of me, and the warmth and the weight of him, and the closeness.”But-“

“No, you’re right.” He sat up, slowly, and reached down to grab his underwear, and put it on. I attempted not to check him out. “OK, I’m ready,”he said. 

I cracked up. “What, you can’t talk naked?”

“Hey, I’m showing I take this seriously.” His green eyes laughing at me.

“OK, then I guess I should-“I started.

“No, you’re good.”

I rolled my eyes and sat up, retrieved my panties from the floor and pulled them on. “OK.” As an afterthought, I also pulled on my shirt. “So.”

“The New York Mets?”he said, shaking his head at my shirt. “You must really like it here.”

“It’s a vintage baseball shirt,”I said, proudly.

“Oh. Rad,”he said. That edge of sarcasm, still. 

I shook my head, smiling. “ _Anyway.”_

“Yeah.”

“Talk.”

He sighed. “So, I guess - I certainly didn’t expect… this.. to happen, um - but I guess I’m glad it did,”he said, fidgeting a little. “I mean, back in LA - when I woke up and you were gone, I kind of threw your number in the trash can, but - then I went back in to get it. So-“ He tailed off, shrugged. “I didn’t want that to be, like, _it f_ or us.”

“I didn’t either,”i said, quickly. “I really did have to get that plane home. I had a deadline, and there was no time to change the flight, and-“

Stone was looking at me.

“What?”I said.

“I mean, I’d have got you another flight,”he said. 

I had a vague thought in the back of my mind about how a multi platinum record might translate in dollar amounts, and yeah, of _course_ he would have, but - that wasn’t the point. 

“I’m sorry,”I said, and I really was. “I didn’t know what to do, and what happened, it just kind of.. threw me.”

“Yeah, I guess I was a little, um. Intense.”

I thought back to what he’d said. _Where did you go?_ It had always been that way, with us. Unsaid things. Misunderstandings. The way we both protected ourselves. And those brief moments where we could let it all go, just _be there_. I’d wished so many times that I could go back and change what had happened back in Seattle. Which was why I usually avoided taking assignments that had anything to do with Pearl Jam, with Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, or _grunge_. And yet somehow, I still ended up in bed with Stone. _Classic Sara chaos._

_**“**_ I’m sorry for that, too. Again,”I said, pulling my legs to my chest and hugging them. “The way I left Seattle, before. I know that was a really hard time for you."

He nodded, his eyes softening “I was a mess, that year,”he said. “And it wasn’t, like… It was a lot of things. And I mean, I thought about it a lot, and - if you hadn’t done what you did, maybe me and Jeff, we wouldn’t have…”

“Yeah, you would,”I said, touching his arm. I traced my fingers down to his hand, took it in mine. “You would.”

“I think, um - I think I probably wanted to like…. say something to you. That week at the cabin,”he said, thoughtfully. He wasn’t looking at me anymore. Fidgeting. “I know I was _feeling_ it, but - I just - I don’t know. Couldn't say it. It was a weird time."

“It’s OK,”I said, gently. “You were so sad, about Andy. I just wanted to be there for you.”

“It meant a lot to me, that you were,”he said.

I remembered sitting on the tarmac on the plane at Sea-Tac, in the window seat next to Grace. Not letting myself cry, because she needed me to be strong. _If you’re going through hell, keep going_.

“I can’t change what happened, but - I thought about you for months,”I said. “All through Europe. I thought about writing you, or calling, but… I guess I just thought, better to move on.”

He nodded. “We spent some time in LA. Promoting the Mother Love Bone record, um.” A shadow crossed his face; I guessed that had to be a difficult memory for him. “Writing. I started playing with people again. Just, y’know. Processing. It was OK. I heard you guys were in Europe, and I was happy for you, really. I was happy you got to do that.”

“It was a good trip,”I said.

_Grace and Alicia. Strong coffee, shitty hostels. Trains._

_London. Berlin. And the butterflies._

“We toured a lot in Europe a couple years ago. God, those shows were intense. Like, I remember all these kids just right on stage with us, crazy security guards or sometimes just like no security whatsoever, Eddie getting ripped to pieces.” Stone rolled his eyes, smiling. “When’d you come to New York?”

“Um, couple years back. it would’ve been 91. From London,”I said.

“You didn’t want to come back to Seattle?”

I bit my lip. “I felt like I needed something… new. And after I helped out with the Sub Pop UK thing, Cameron got me the job at the magazine, and-“ I shrugged. “Here I am. Well, actually I’m back in London next week, to interview George Michael.”

Stone cracked up. “Excellent.”

“It’s a very serious assignment,”I said, giggling, and he leaned in to kiss me. “It is!” 

“I mean, he’s no Prince, but-“

“I actually interviewed Prince last year,”i said, proudly. He broke away and stared at me. “I know, right? I mean, it was a phone interview.”

“OK, you’re officially cool.”

“Thanks,”I said. He was kissing me again. “So, um - are we- still talking, or…?”

The next day, I woke up kind of exhausted and was rushing around trying to make myself presentable while he was still sleeping. I got on the bed, fully dressed, and kissed him lightly, stirring him awake. 

“Oh. Hey,”he said, sleepily, pulling me closer. “Are you-“

“I’m late for work,”I said, kissing him again. “Sorry, I spaced and didnt set my alarm. I’ve got a kind of crazy day, but - we could go get dinner or something? If you’re free. It would be good to talk some more.”

He blinked awake, looking at me. I just wanted to stay there all day, like when we were younger, but- “Yeah, that would be great. We have some interview thing at like, 2, but I can meet you after you finish work? I don’t think we have anything later.”

“OK, great.” I was conscious of him caressing my sides and back, and I knew I needed to get out before stuff escalated, tough as it was. “The office is on 6th, um - 1290.”

“You have a pager?”he asked.

“Um. Nope,”i said, thinking that a pager would probably cost me a month’s rent. “But I finish at 6.”

“OK,”he said.

“My shower’s kind of weird, by the way, so - if it doesn’t work, just like - punch it,”i said, and he laughed. 

“Wow, well, it wouldn’t be Sara’s apartment without a dysfunctional shower,”he said. 

I pulled away, giggling, and he pulled me back, kissing me deeper; but eventually I managed to get out and was only twenty minutes late for work. Not that it was so easy focusing that day.

##  **New York, April 1994**

I was late for the recording at the studio, but when I showed my press pass they let me in, a very harassed looking runner taking me to a seat at the back during a break. Pearl Jam were on stage, standing around as they got set up for a take. My heart doing its familiar little flip when I saw Stone, in a white tshirt, in whispered conversation with Eddie, who looked kind of pissed off. I still didn’t know much about Eddie. _Who is the real Eddie Vedder?_ That was the type of headline idea that got thrown around all time in meetings at work, people ruminating about whether he was an asshole or the Messiah, whether he was a phony or the real deal. I’d met him a few times since me and Stone started… whatever we were doing. He was quiet, guarded, but funny.

I thought about the stuff Meg told me about Eddie, last time we caught up, a year ago, when she came to the City to shadow the Head Chef at the Pierre. It had been three years since their thing, but she still couldn’t help blushing when she talked about him. “ _The thing is, I knew it was wrong, like, with the Jack thing, and- but Eddie was just, like, something else. I felt like he really got me, you know? I felt like he was this special guy and I just wanted to be… close to him. I know that sounds crazy. I mean, also, he was fucking gorgeous.”_ And when I met him, I got it. Eddie was that kind of guy.

“OK, quiet please,”called a director. 

The band got to their places on stage, Stone mouthing something at Jeff, who nodded. I couldnt get over how different Jeff looked, with his bleached blond hair and black clothes. I remembered that soft art guy who’d won me the Care Bear, and it made me smile. I’d been so nervous to see Jeff again, but he hugged me so tight when we did, a couple months back. _“Been telling Stone to call you for like, four years now,”he’d said, with that twinkling smile. “Guess he finally listened.”_

“Rolling in 5-4-3-2-1.”

They played a couple of new songs, and I had to say they were pretty tight, even better than the last time I’d seen them live, back at the VMAs. The thing with Stone had been kind of a logistical nightmare so far, between their tour and media schedule, and my job. I was trying to get a promotion, and I’d spent a lot of time on airplanes and in stuffy press rooms around the country. But whenever our schedules crossed over - give or take a couple hundred miles - we’d make it work. Hotel rooms were like an in-joke to us now, the tiny toiletries and the spurious content of room service menus. 

I worried about someone at work finding out we were seeing each other. I had this feeling, like a rockstar girlfriend wouldn’t be taken too seriously. That the promotion might go to Jack, and I’d be stuck doing more puff profiles of “ _up and coming R n B acts that make you want to throw away your En Vogue CD!_ ” Plus, Pearl Jam were everywhere. It would be like saying I was dating the Prince of England, honestly, as far as Rolling Stone always wanted a bigger piece of the band, wanted to know all their private dramas and when their next record would be out. That wasn’t what I’d spent the last three years building my career for.

We both said it was enough. The way things were. And whenever Stone seemed to be steering the conversation around to if I’d ever thought about moving back to Seattle, I’d say - _“We get to miss each other. That’s always been our thing, right?”_

But at times, lying in my bed alone, thousands of miles away from wherever he was, I just wanted to be near him. I never realised until they came back full force the feelings I’d buried for him, and how fast they were growing. Sometimes when we made love, the intensity was so much it made me ache. And we’d lie there after, holding each other, just looking at each other, all the tension gone out of us, and I’d think - _I don’t want ever want to be away from you._

But tonight, he was in New York, and after the SNL taping he’d be back in my little corner of Brooklyn, making me laugh with his stories about the other guys, and all mine. Then they were going to Atlanta, for the next recording session, and I’d be in LA to cover a new urban awards show. 

It was enough, for now - but for how long?

I watched Stone, his face deep in concentration, making me smile as he mouthed the riffs to himself. I wasn’t gonna spend tonight worrying. Tonight was ours.

##  **Los Angeles, March 1998**

“Welcome to Bonhams, are you here for the Music Memorabilia auction?” The polished lady at the door flashed me her LA smile as I nodded, and she directed me to a hall to the left. It was full of balding middle aged guys, probably here for the glut of 70s rock stuff I’d seen in the catalog. And a few buyers on the phone, no doubt talking to their rich, lazy bosses. I sat in the back, switching off my cell phone. If the auction let out in time, I could get to my book signing on Rodeo Drive with time to spare.

“Quiet please, quiet please.” The auctioneer took the stand, in front of a screen showing dramatic black and white photos of icons brandishing guitars. I tried not to look at the picture of Kurt, his forever-young face, so serious. They were selling the pieces of a guitar he smashed up in 1994, for a price that made me wince. Even if my new book stayed at the top of the bestseller list all year, I couldn’t afford that. Kurt. I still thought about him, like so many of them. _You wanna be a writer, be a writer. Say you’re a writer._ His kindness had meant a lot to me.

I got out my day-book to distract myself, flicked through the pages. Signings and a couple of interviews. Dinner at Meg’s new restaurant, later. 

I was good at filling my days, good at being self-sufficient. At being everybody’s pretty, nice single friend.

“OK, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Bonhams Los Angeles and thank you for attending our Rock n Roll Forever special auction. We have items from the 1960s to the present day, and we’ll start off with some of our smaller items. Now, do we have any Pearl Jam fans here?” The muffled, slightly embarrassed sounds of appreciation.

_The Seattle night. Drunk. Exhilarated. The start of it all._

_“One fifty for both of you, or you’re walkin’.”_

_“He’s in a band! He plays guitar. They’re definitely gonna be famous. Stone, sing him one of your songs.”_

“This is a collector’s piece that won’t break the bank. Vintage Herco guitar pick, they stopped making this type in 1980. Hand signed by Stone Gossard, guitarist of Pearl Jam, and there’s a charming story attached to this piece that we believe dates it to his early career in the grunge forerunner, Mother Love Bone. I’ll start at $100 for this piece. Do I hear $100?”

_“Wait, were you really gonna sing to that guy?”_

I nodded at the auctioneer. 

She smiled, brightly, “$100 I’m bid, by the lady in blue.”

_The wood smell of the cabin. Tears. Silence. Watching Stone out of the window. How my heart hurt, knowing what I had to do._

_“Remember that first night? On the bus? You gave that driver your guitar pick.” I was trying to make him smile, because I couldn’t stand to see him so sad. “Imagine if things had just been different, after that night.”_

_“What things?”_

_Him. Me. Us. Andy._

_“I don’t know.”_

“Do I hear $200 for the hand signed Stone Gossard pick?”

_A few more years. Hotel rooms. The 24-hour drug store. Then the phone call from Atlanta. “Do you actually want to be with me or not? Like, no more bullshit, just like - do this? Or do you just wanna run away again?”_

I fingered the tiny butterfly pendant that hung around my neck. I could still see Grace fastening it around my neck outside that little shop in Berlin, and what she’d said: “This is so that you remember, OK?” 

I’d worn it every day since I got the news about her; funny, how it showed up right after that, at the bottom of my jewelry box, when I thought I’d lost it years before. 

I sometimes felt like I was always trying to hold on to the past. Always looking back.

_Grace. The shop in Berlin. The butterflies. What the old man said._

“$200 I’m bid, by the gentleman on the phone.”

_Focus, Sara._

I just wanted an old guitar pick. To take me back to being nineteen, on a bus, that crazy night in Seattle, before my whole world changed.

##  **STONE**

##  **Seattle, March 1990**

The first day at the hospital. Xana sleeping in a chair because someone made her take a sleeping pill. Andy’s mom. I hadn’t seen her since that day on Bainbridge, and I remembered lemonade and the smell of cleaning products and stale cookies and Andy’s bad driving and the wind on our faces and Andy carrying a bag of rocks and throwing them, like he could just bury all his problems in the Puget Sound. _I’m here for you, you’re here for me, right?_

I let Jeff do the hugging. I went in the room and Andy was there, all these wires coming out of him, the beeping heart rate monitor. His face, it was, like - Swollen. Huge. He wouldn’t like it. I felt like there was something I should be able to do. But I had nothing. I went out and stood in the waiting room. Numb. All our friends showed up. Cornell, last. Off a red-eye. They were still out on tour. Cornell was crying, which made me think - maybe it’d be OK, to cry. But I was just numb. 

I stayed there a long time. Then I went home. I’d left for the hospital before my parents were up. They were sitting in the den waiting for me, even though it was really fucking late. My mom held me. My dad said, “It’s not your fault.” I went up to the attic and sat there for a long time. I felt like nothing was real. I slept on the couch in there, woke up in my clothes, freezing. Our picture was still on the wall. 

The second day at the hospital. More people. Word got out. Jeff came later. What was weird was, me and Jeff didn’t like, comfort each other. We hadn’t, even right after it happened. He sat in a chair across the room, staring at the floor. He looked like total shit, I mean, we all did. I felt like if someone asked me what was gonna happen with the band, I’d flip out. Like, that’s what would do it. It was almost March 20th, we still had a record. We were still a band. I remember thinking that, so clearly. For a really long time, probably the whole time Andy was in the hospital. He wasn't dead, he was hooked up to machines. We were still a band. 

I went home with Cornell. There were people all over his house, sleeping on the floor or anything that could work as a bed. I sat on his couch for hours. Processing. I don’t remember any conversations at all. I remember Bruce crying. 

The third day at the hospital, they told us it was time to say goodbye. And even when we were all stood round the bed, Queen playing quietly on this shitty boombox someone brought in, candles on the white surfaces - I felt like it wasn’t happening. Like, it could not be happening. Tomorrow was March 20th. 

I left the hospital and drove to Sara’s house. 

She wasn’t there. I didn’t get back in the car, I just sat on the stoop outside her building, and waited. I don’t know how long I sat there. There was a white butterfly fluttering over the blue flowers outside her window. I watched it for what seemed like hours.

When Sara showed up, the way she looked at me - I wanted to crawl inside the way she was looking at me. 

She came and sat down next to me and put her arms around me. I felt like I was breaking apart. Like she was holding me together.

“I’m gonna go away for a while,”I said. “Um - do you want to come?”

“Yeah,” she said, softly. “I’ll come.”


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T/W for references to drug overdose/major character death.

**March 1990**

**GRACE, Seattle**

I woke up to that ringing, over and over. Jeff stirred next to me, got out of bed and went to go pick it up in the hall. I pulled the blankets around me as my eyes adjusted, still fuzzy headed from sleep. The clock next to the bed said 06:01 - I can still remember that, the glowing red numbers in the dark. The dream had seemed so real. I didn’t get why I still dreamed about Andy.

“Wait, what? What’s, I mean - wait, just slow down, OK? Slow down.” I could hear Jeff’s voice getting louder, more urgent. I sat up and tried to listen. “What are you-“

Something made me get up out of bed, pull on my dress from last night, and my heart start to race. I stood in the doorway of Jeff’s room. He didn’t even notice me. He was sitting on the floor with the phone to his ear, his face twisted with confusion. I realised I’d never seen him like that before. Nothing close to that. Something was wrong.

“OK, I’m coming. I’m coming right now, just- it’s OK, it’s OK. _Fuck._ I’ll be there soon, OK?” He put the phone down on the floor, then looked at me.

“What, um- what’s going on?”I said, my voice coming out small. I stared at Jeff, on the floor. He just shook his head, still looking at me.

“Jesus, um. Come here,”he said. He held out his arms to me.

“What is it?”I said, not moving. “What is it?”

“Just-“ He was still holding out his arms. Still shaking his head. None of it made sense. 

“Who was on the phone?”I said.

“Uhh.” He rubbed his face, hard. “Xana.”

“Why was Xana on the phone?”I said. My voice coming out thicker, now. This pressure building up behind my eyes, in the back of my throat.

“Fuck,”Jeff said, quietly. He dropped his arms, then covered his face with them. “Fuck, Grace. It’s Andy. He’s in the hospital, um-“

I stared at him. I couldn’t understand anything.

“He’s in the hospital, uh - he - they think he OD’d.”

I just stood there, trembling. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t break the space. Jeff looked at me. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I shook my head, over and over, like it could make it not true.

“Hey, it’s OK,”Jeff said, getting up. “It’s OK.” He came to me, and pulled me into his chest. Then I cried. My tears soaked the front of his tshirt, and he just kept saying, over and over- _it’s OK._

“I have to go to the hospital now,”he said, pulling back gently. “Do you wanna, um-“

“No,”I said, cut him off. “No, I want to go home.”

“Grace, you can’t be alone right now-“

“I want to go home,”I said, going into his bedroom. I got my stuff, blindly, the light coming in stronger through the cracks between the blinds. There was a Mother Love Bone T-shirt on the floor, i stared at it. I couldn’t get my head around it. _If Andy’s gone, what happens to them? What happens to everything?_

I stumbled out into the hallway, put on my boots. Jeff was calling a cab to the hospital. I tried not to listen. I got my jacket and put it on, opened the door and left. When i got to the elevator i stared at it for moments, couldn’t figure out which button to press to go to Ground. Nothing was making sense. I felt like i might even still be asleep. I didn’t say goodbye to Jeff. All i could think was, I want to go home.

“Grace,”Jeff called down the hallway. “Wait.”

I pressed the “G” button, kept pressing it. I had to get out. The elevator was taking forever. The tears were coming up again. I heard a door close, Jeff coming down the hall. He was wearing his jacket, he was ready to go. He got to me just as the doors opened, and we both got in. He took my hand. “Look at me, OK?”

I did. I could hardly see him through the blur of tears.

“We don’t know what’s gonna happen, alright?”Jeff said. “He might be OK. We don’t know.”

“My dad’s out of town,”I said. “He’s at a conference in Palm Springs.”

He didn’t get it. His blue eyes creased in a frown. “Your dad?”

“He should be there. If he was there, he could, like - help him.”

“It’s OK,”Jeff said, touching my face. “He’s in the right place.”

I thought about the dream. Andy disappearing, silent, into the shadows. Leaving us alone.

“He works in ICU, he’s the best. I need to call him,”I said.

“It’s OK,”Jeff said, again. Holding my hand so tight. “It’s gonna be OK.”

The elevator doors opened. The lobby was quiet, too early on a Saturday for anybody to be out. I realised I didn’t have a cab, didn’t know which bus to catch. I didn’t know where i was going. My apartment in Queen Anne, with the pictures of Andy all over the floor? My heart clenched.

“I’m gonna call you,”Jeff said, outside the door. ”Soon as we know anything.”

I looked at him, and he looked so tired. And so sad. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to make him feel better. But i couldn’t. I just couldn’t, right then.

“OK,”I said. Watched his cab pull away from the curb, move through the deserted streets. I stood shivering, waiting for another one to drive by. It took forever, or maybe it took no time at all.

The house was quiet, Tori and my mom still in bed. I overpaid the cab driver and walked inside, shut the door and went to the kitchen, still wearing my boots and jacket. I picked up the phone and dialled the number on the Post-It stuck to the fridge: DAD HOTEL.

“Hello, this is the Renaissance Palm Springs, how may i help you?”

“Can, you, um- put me through to Mr Oluwa please? Um, he’s with the EMA conference-“

“One moment, please.”

Some cheesy hold music. Then ringing. Just ringing. Please pick up.

“Hello?”

“Daddy.” I felt the tears rising up again, at the sound of his voice. That sound was home, still. “Hi.”

“Grace? It’s so early, are you alright?”

“Um. No.” I sagged against the kitchen counter, gripping the phone. “No, I’m not, um - I need you to come back, please.”

“What? What do you mean? Something happened?”

“Uh, yeah. Something really bad has happened and i need you to come back.”

“Is it your mother? Is it Tori?” I could hear the panic in his voice, and i shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me. “Tell me what has happened, please.”

“My friend, um - my friend has overdosed, and he’s in the hospital, and i need you to come back and help him,”I said. “Please, Daddy, can you just come back, and help him, because i know you can-”

“Calm down,”he was saying. “Calm, Grace.”

“No, you don’t understand. You can help him, i know it.” I knew i was babbling. I knew. Every moment i stood there, shivering in the cold kitchen, i knew it was useless. Crazy. I knew. “Please just say you’ll come back, like, today, and-”

“Grace. Go and wake your mother. I understand you are upset, but-“

“ _Please_!”I said, and my voice broke on a sob. “Please just come back, and-”

“Gracey?” I turned, and Tori was standing in the doorway in her pjs, rubbing her eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Grace, you need to breathe now and calm down,”Dad was saying. And he sounded so far away from me.

I pressed the button to hang up. Tori came over to me and hugged me, coming up just below my shoulder. She smelled the same as always. I buried my face in her messy hair. We didn’t have to say anything, she just hugged me, standing there in the kitchen. I don’t know how long we stood there.

*

Mom came and sat on my bed, when I didn’t come down for lunch. No one had called. Or maybe they’d called me at my apartment. But I couldn’t be there.

“Talk to me, honey,”she said, reaching for my hand. I didn’t move or say anything.

“Dad called. He said your friend was in the hospital.”

I nodded.

“Is it bad?”

I stared at the old patchwork quilt on my bed. It was a gift to my parents when they got married;’ it was even older than me. I traced over the patterns in my mind, stared at the faded colours til my eyes blurred.

“Grace, please. Talk to me.”

“He overdosed,”I said. “I think it is, um. Bad.”

I didn’t want to look at her. Because my parents had been saying it for years. We were all too wild, too stupid. We messed around with things we shouldn’t. We were in with the wrong crowd.

“Oh,” she said, quietly.

“We thought he was better, but-“ I shrugged. Made myself look at her. I didn’t know what to say. She just nodded, held out her arms. I let her hold me. She stroked my hair, like she used to when i was little.

“We should’ve known,”I said, and then i was crying again. My tears soaking her cashmere sweater. She fumbled in her pocket for a tissue, gave it to me. I held it over my face, feeling like I might never stop.

“I’m so sorry, baby,”she said, rubbing my back. “This is not your fault, you understand me?” I nodded, not knowing if I believed it. “There's nothing you could have done.”

“I just, I need him to be OK,”i said, into her shoulder. Crumpling the tissue in my hand. “I just need him to be.”

“It’s alright,”she said, softly. “It’s a good hospital. You know that.”

“Is Daddy coming back?”I said, still clinging onto that stupid hope. She shook her head.

“They have other doctors, Gracey. He’s coming back next week. Why don’t you call one of your friends, ask them to come be with you? What about Sara? She’s such a sweet girl-“

I closed my eyes, tuning her out. Looking for another way. There had to be another way, to stop this happening.

But i kept finding myself back in the dream. That feeling: that it had already happened. And there was nothing anybody could do, at all.

**MEG, Los Angeles**

I was washing tomatoes at the sink, thinking. About Eddie, much as I knew it was dumb. When he left last night he kissed my cheek, a little drunk, told me I was _the best chef in Long Beach, no bullshit_. I just smiled, handed him the leftovers in a box and turned away so he couldn’t see me blush. He was beautiful. Like, annoyingly beautiful. And I wanted to get to know him more, wanted to hear his easy laugh, listen to his rambling. I liked how he encouraged Jack, got excited talking about the new band Jack was trying out for drums with- Eleven. Speaking of, Jack would be back soon. I turned up the radio, trying to distract my thoughts, when the phone rang. I didn’t get many calls - i only gave Jack’s number to a few people when i moved, so when i went over to the table and picked up, i was pretty damn surprised to hear Chris’ voice.

“Hi,”he said. I’d know his voice anywhere - but he sounded real quiet and far away. In the background i could hear something like a loudspeaker.

“Oh, jeez. _Hey_!” I balanced the phone between my shoulder and my ear, still trying to dry my hands on my jeans. “Hey! How are you? Long time no-“

“Uh, yeah. Not good,”he said, cutting in. I stopped, surprised - he sounded so serious. Then - “It’s, um. It’s Andy.”

I froze up. I didn’t say anything.

“You, um - you didn’t hear yet?”he said.

I think I knew.

“Andy?”I said, suddenly very aware of my heart.

“He, um. I’m sorry, this is fucking terrible. He’s dead. I mean, um. He’s - he’s gonna die.”

This white hot panic went through me, sudden as a needle. “What? What do you mean? He’s dead? Or he’s -“

“He-“ Chris broke off, and then i realised i could hear him sob. “Fuck, man. He, ah, he overdosed, and they’re saying he’s not gonna make it. I’m waiting for a plane back to Seattle now.”

“Where are you?”I said. Sitting down on the floor. I don’t know why i sat down on the floor.

“I’m, uh- I’m in New York. At the airport.”

“New York.”

“I wasn’t there. We been gone for like, six weeks.” I could hardly make out what he was saying. I pulled my legs up to my chest, listened to his ragged breathing. Still not processing it. He overdosed, and he’s not gonna make it. Those were facts.

“It’s OK,”I said, even though i knew it wasn’t. “It’s OK.”

“I just, I-“

I wanted to say something. Make it better. We always made each other laugh. But i felt the tears rushing up behind my eyes. I saw Andy, kissing Xana in bright colored lights. I saw him split the night with a sparkler. Magical. No. _He’s not magical. That’s the big secret._ Didn’t i say that before?

“I should’ve, like- fuck. I should’ve been around.” His voice breaking on the last word. I felt a pang deep in my chest, like I could feel it from three thousand miles away. “I should’ve been there.”

I closed my eyes. “No. No. It’s OK,”I said, again. Swallowing back my own tears as i scrubbed my face with my bare arm. “Hey, uh - do me a favor, tell me what you can see right now.”

“What?”

“Just, um. Tell me some things you can see.”

There was a pause, for a long moment. I closed my eyes.

“My shoes,”Chris said, quietly. He sniffed. I thought about his scuffed boots, the ones he wore everywhere for years, I could see them too.

“OK, your shoes. What else?” I pressed my nails into my palms, to try and focus on the moment, stop spinning out. I concentrated on the sound of his breathing on the phone.

“Uh. A disabled bathroom.”

“OK.”

“Just people, walking.”

“What can you hear?”

There was a long pause, but i could still hear him breathe, clear his throat. “They’re announcing flights. It’s, um. I think it’s a flight to Miami they’re saying, right now.”

“What else?”

“Luggage carts. Just talking and stuff.”

“That’s good,”I said. “Good.” I breathed in, deep. “I’m sitting on the floor right now. I can see this bright yellow convertible that’s always double parked outside the building.” I tried to laugh, but the tears came springing back up again. “I can hear the lady in the next apartment vacuuming, she’s always doing it.”

“I can see a dude hitting on a stewardess.”

A tear dropped down my cheek, but i laughed again. “Oh, nice.”

We breathed together, for a moment. I felt the adrenaline fade out from the top of my head, wash through my body as I stayed very still.

“Hey, Meg. You OK?”

“Yeah.” I cringed as i heard the tears in my voice. “I’m OK.”

“Fuck, i’m sorry. For, um - I thought maybe you already-“

I cleared my throat, hard. “No, I, uh- no. I thought he was doing OK.”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, man.” I dug my nails into my hand again, so hard the red marks stayed behind, livid on my skin. I breathed deeply, _in out, in out._

“Tell me ‘bout that yellow convertible,”Chris said, softly. “Sounds pretty cool.”

“It’s um. It looks, i guess, vintage. Bad spray job.” I stared ahead, out of the big window with blurry eyes. Heat was rising off of the road, it was quiet except for a couple kids playing in a front yard. A normal day. “Big hub caps.”

“It sunny there?”

“Yeah. It’s always sunny.”

“That sounds good.”

I could hear the airport noise faintly in the background. Our breathing returning to normal. I wiped my face again. “Uh, I’m gonna come home, I guess,”I said.

“OK.”

“Is, um- is Susan with you?”I asked, willing myself not to care about the answer.

“No. Uh, she went ahead, but she’s gonna be there to pick me up.”

“That’s good.”

“They haven’t made any arrangements yet, it’s just, um. We’re going to the hospital, then-“

“I’m so sorry, dude. God, I’m just- I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

I sat on the floor for a long time after he hung up. I let myself cry, got up to get some tissue from the kitchen and then stood there, shredding them with my fingers. The radio was still on, but I’d forgotten. There was a sad song by Sinead O Connor playing and it made me shiver and reach for the off button.

“Hey - are you alright?”

I turned around and Jack was standing by the door. I hadn’t heard him come in. He stared at me, crossed the room and pulled me into a hug, looking at me, worried. “Jesus, what’s-“

“My friend in Seattle,”I said, turning my face away from him. “My friend died, he overdosed.”

I felt his body tense up a little. Then, him holding me, so tightly.

“Oh, man. I’m so sorry, Meg. I’m so sorry.”

I kept thinking about Hillel. I kept seeing him laughing in the LA sunlight. He was gone.

And now our boy was gone too. _Andy_. Andy was gone.

“Are you-“ Jack started, but I cut him off, kissed him. I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to think. Jack hesitated, but then he kissed me back, let me set the pace. I wasn’t gonna think. I’d think later. I couldn’t let this feeling into the apartment. Jack’s apartment. I wasn’t gonna think.

**SARA, Seattle**

I was still hungover by lunchtime, but there was no food in the house, so I hung out on the couch trying to corral the energy to go out. The phone kept ringing, and I ignored it the first few times, but when it went off again I dragged myself over to it. 

“Hello?”i said, my voice barely registering. _God damn tequila._

“Sara, it’s Grace, um.”

I frowned. She sounded really upset. I tried to remember what was going on with her right now. Felt like we hadn’t hung out properly in a while. 

“Gracey, what’s up?”

“Just, uh. I’m at my parents’ house, and - I was wondering if you could come over-“ Then her voice broke, and I realised she was crying. I stared at the kitchen table, my head still kind of swimming, trying to catch up.

“Woah, Grace, slow down. What’s going on?”

“Andy’s in the hospital.” 

My mouth fell open. I stood there in last night’s clothes, everything around me so ordinary, trying to process what she was saying, my brain working so frustratingly slow. But what about their show last week? _He was really great:_ I said that. _What happened?_

“They’re saying he OD’d. I can’t- I can’t-“

“Grace. Grace. I’m coming over. I’ll be there soon, OK?”

She barely spoke, the whole day. We watched Golden Girls all afternoon, ate the snacks her mom brought us. It felt like everything had slowed down, like we were powerless to do anything. Jeff called Grace at random times, she took the calls sitting in the hall closet while I waited. He said Xana wouldn’t leave the hospital. Jeff, Stone and Andy’s brothers were taking turns to be there.

_Stone._

I called his house, random times of day. He was never there. I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing for us to do, but wait.

I stayed the whole weekend, into Monday, and called in sick to work. Bruce sounded distracted and stressed, he asked me if I’d heard anything about Andy Wood. I just said yes. I didn’t know if he was trying to get information. I was sitting in Grace’s bed next to her, talking quietly and watching her sleep, her face still swollen from crying half the night. When i hung up i lay back down and stared at her ceiling, the faded pink light shade covered with ballerinas. 

When Grace woke up, I told her i was going home to get more stuff, that I’d come back, if she needed me to. She nodded, not saying anything. Jeff hadn’t called yet. Last we heard, Andy was still hooked up to the machines, but there might be some _signs of improvement._

When I got to my building, Stone was sitting on the stoop. He looked exhausted. Like he hadn’t showered in a couple of days. I went and put my arms around him, felt him slump into me.

I knew Andy was gone. Somehow, I just knew. And finally, I could cry too. We sat there holding hands, watching this white butterfly floating above the blue geraniums.

“I’m going away for a while. You wanna come?”he said, quietly.

“Yeah. I’ll come.”

Like nothing else mattered, at all.

I threw some stuff in a duffel, some milk and bread from the kitchen in a plastic bag and wrote a note to Lil that I’d be away for a few days. Stone sat on my couch, staring at the floor. I was supposed to clean the bathroom, but I figured I couldn’t do a lot about that now. It felt like we had to get away, right then. Like there was no time at all. I’d call Grace from the cabin, I’d call work tomorrow.

I did what I needed to do, and we went. The car was silent. We were silent, as the buildings turned into trees, until all you could see was green, washed in the rain. I’d never been into the mountains. Everything outside was green and white, dense with life even in early spring.There was still snow on the ground, melting now. I stared out of the window, feeling like I was in another world. Nothing since that crazy Friday night out had seemed real at all.

Stone’s family’s cabin was beautiful, surrounded by evergreens. It was nicer than the house I grew up in, much nicer than my Seattle apartment. I couldn’t believe anyone had a place like this as a second home. The living room was stacked with all the games I wanted to play as a kid, and there was an almost-new tv set and video recorder; even a fax machine. In the hall closet there was skiing equipment, camping and swimming stuff. Books lined the walls; American history books, art books, novels. Even in the bedroom, there were books. I sat on the edge of the bed, watched a dust bunny float through the air. I wasnt sure what to do, except just be there.

Stone came and stood in the doorway. I looked at him, trying to figure out what he needed. He looked so sad.

“It’s beautiful,”I said, gesturing around vaguely. He nodded, absently.

“Thanks for coming with me,”he said. “I um, I really didn’t wanna be alone, so.”

“It’s fine,”i said. “I’m glad I came. Do you wanna talk, or-“

He shook his head. “Not right now. I’m gonna go play my guitar for a while.”

“OK,”I said, nodding. He went into the next bedroom, closed the door. I lay down on the bed on top of the covers, closing my eyes, suddenly exhausted. When I woke up it was almost dark outside, the remnants of snow glittering in the light of the moon. I could still hear the quiet sound of the guitar. I didn't know how long I’d been asleep.

I padded down the wooden stairs to the kitchen, looked in all the cupboards. Everything was perfectly organised and good quality, the pantry was stocked, nothing off-brand at all. I kind of hated that I noticed that. I pulled together some ingredients to make pasta, then went back upstairs and knocked quietly.

“Stone, um- do you want to eat something?”I said, through the door.

“No. Thanks.” 

“OK.”

I sat at the dining table alone and pushed pasta around my plate, then washed up. The guitar playing had stopped, but the door was still closed. I brushed my teeth and got into bed, wrapping the warm quilt around me. After a little while, I felt Stone get in beside me. 

“Hey,”i said, quietly.

“Hey.”

“There’s food, in the refrigerator- did you-“I started.

“I’m OK.”

“Are you...” I tailed off. It was a stupid question, whatever I was gonna say. “Just - I’m here, OK?”

I looked at him in the dark. His eyes huge and shining, seeming so far away. I nestled into his shoulder, but he turned away, and I found myself falling asleep, too tired to keep my eyes open.

When I woke up, it was light again, and Stone was already gone. The note on the night stand: _BACK LATER._

I got up, shivering in the cold house, and went to find the phone. Guiltily, I tried calling Grace, but I just got her mom. “She won’t talk to anybody,”she said, apologetically, “I’m sorry, sweetie. We’re looking out for her.” 

I stood there after, trying to get the nerve to call work, come up with an excuse.I’d been on a deadline to finish the liner notes for the new Mudhoney record, and I had no idea when I'd be able to finish now. I picked up the receiver, then put it back down.

Then I went to the bookshelf and took out an old book, a Choose Your Own Adventure. I'd always loved them as a kid. I opened it to a random page. _You’re standing in the Time Tunnel. The left passage leads to the past, and the right passage leads to the future - which way will you choose?_

I had no idea. I just stared at the page, not knowing. All we could do, right then, was stand still. 


	48. Chapter 48

##  **1990**

##  **SARA**

The rain started the day we got to the cabin, and then it didn’t let up. Stone was reading this old book about the History of the Cascade Mountains, concentrating like it was for a test he needed to pass. I was so aware of how little he was talking, how withdrawn he seemed. He hadn’t played his guitar since the day we got here. 

I was idly reading the same Choose Your Own Adventure book. Every way I turned, it kept taking me back to the Time Tunnel, and I kept going back every time I messed up, trying to get a better ending. When he saw me pick it up, Stone raised his eyebrows, said something like - “Wow, I was a nerd for those.”

_You take the passage to your right, and feel your way through the dark. You hear the rush of waves and the sound of seagulls faintly in the distance, and you have the sense you are walking towards the sea. But the passage forks again. If you go right again, you think you might reach the ocean. But if you go left, you might find something even more intriguing. If you choose to go left, turn to page 25. If you choose to go right, turn to page 31._

I randomly turned to page 25, trying to set it right. 

_The passage is filled with eerie green lights, and you have the feeling that you’re walking into an unknown world full of strange new creatures._ I skipped the rest and flipped to page 75. _You exit the spaceship, feel a pleasant warmth on your skin and music in your ears. “Welcome to your perfect world”, a voice comes from far away. You wander around, enjoying the sweet sounds, smiling faces and beautiful landscapes. There’s a table set with delicacies, and you walk towards it, admiring the sugary confections before you. They are your greatest weakness, your favorite candies of all time. You read the sign, in looping cursive: Eat Me. If you decide to take them, turn to page 36. If you keep walking, turn to page 50._

I bit my lip, thinking. Somehow, I knew that if I ate the candies, I would get another bad ending. I turned to page 36, saw the words “monster” and “THE END”, and put the book down. 

“I’m going to make some coffee, you want some?”I said. Stone shook his head, still absorbed in his book. I went to the kitchen, thinking about work, about the Mudhoney album liner notes I’d been working on. I’d been proud of them. It felt like the first real thing I’d ever written - something that hundreds, maybe even thousands of people might read, something that was gonna be in stores. I wondered who they’d gotten to finish it. Probably Maura. She was _dependable_. I knew I wasn’t acting very dependable, right now. 

I came back in with my coffee, saw that Stone had picked up the book, and he was looking at the page i’d been on before. _If you go right again, you think you might reach the ocean._

“I forgot how weird this book is,”he said. “It goes back to like, the Ice Age. And Merrye Olde England. I don’t think I ever actually chose to go to the future, though.”

It was just nice to see him talking again. “Well, go ahead,”i said. “I just went left to the alien spaceship, but it didn’t work out so great.”

He flipped to page 31. I leaned over and started to read aloud. “ _You realise that the water is actually coming towards you, rushing through the tunnel faster than you can run. You can try and swim, or you can let the water carry you back. If you swim, turn to page 80. If you decide to let the water take you, turn to page 50.”_

I glanced at Stone, but he just shrugged. 

“I feel like ‘let the water take you’ sounds kind of ominous,”I said.

“It just takes you back to the start,”he said.

“I think you should swim,”I said. “I mean, that seems right to me.”

“Pick what you want,”he said, turning back to his book. 

I frowned, turned to page 50. As I read, I couldn’t help smiling. “ _You surface, finally, in the crystal waters of a beach in Hawaii. The sun warms your skin and you keep swimming until you reach land, where you can see a bright colored surf board propped up in the white sand, just waiting for you. The End._ Wow, that’s a pretty sweet ending,”I said. “Congrats.”

“You know those books all follow like, the same formula,”Stone said, dryly. “I figured it out years back. It’s always just like - Return Home, New Life, or, um.” He frowned. “Like, you die.”

I fingered the old pages between my fingers. “New Life sounds good.”

He didn’t reply, just put down his book and got up. “I’m gonna go shower.”

“OK.” I fidgeted with the book, listening to him go upstairs. I went over to the bookshelf and scanned it. _Women in Narrative Painting._ _Stranger in a Strange Land_. _Somebody’s Darling_. _The 70s Parent._ I didn’t know what I felt like reading. Or, should I call Grace? Should I call work? Call my mom, even? I pressed my face against the rainy window. Outside the sky was dark grey, even though it was only just after lunch time. The anxiety bubbling up in me again. Sometimes, it just hit me out of nowhere: Andy was dead. He died. No one was ever gonna see him again. 

I went back to the couch and picked up the book, flipping back to the beginning, to the Time Tunnel. This time, I took the passageway that led to the past.

*

When the rain let up a little, Stone and I walked down the trail that led through the forest. We didn’t talk for a while. The air was damp and cool, the earth soft and slippery under my boots.

“This is so beautiful,”I said, eventually. “I know I already said that, but - it’s nice. Really nice. You’re lucky.”

“Yeah, people tell me that a lot,”he said.

“Did you come up here a lot when you were a kid?”

He nodded.“Most winters. Skiing and stuff, y’know.”

“Oh, I’ve never done that.”

“You don’t ski?” He said it like I said I didn’t eat food, or something. 

I shrugged, feeling a little self conscious. “I mean, there’s not too many mountains in Cleveland.”

“Right.”

“Honestly, Seattle was the first place I’d even really been, out of Ohio. Uh, I grew up kind of poor, I guess.”

“Oh, OK.” He frowned slightly, like he didn’t know what to say.

“Anyway.” I picked a leaf off the bushes, threw the pieces onto the ground, feeling weirdly self-conscious. “Yeah. We passed through Montana on the drive, but-“

“We?”

“Me and my ex.”

I couldn't believe we never really talked about stuff like this before. Why hadn’t we? There was always something going on, always some drama. Now it was just us, nothing and no one for miles. And all our stuff back in Seattle seemed so stupid; so nothing, now. Our little fucking lives. Somebody _died._

“Yeah, we used to like, ski and do a lot of hiking, you know,”Stone said. “Come up here with other families, um-” he said, tailing off; maybe he was thinking about Alicia. He was being so edgy, so distant. I could feel this shell around him, hardening with every day. We didn’t say anything for a while. The forest was so quiet. 

“I think I’m gonna go back to school,” Stone said, finally. I stared at him, surprised. “My dad said, um. He said I could go back, like, in the fall, and-“ He broke off, shrugged. “It’s an option, I guess.” 

“Oh. Wow.”

“I mean. I’m still gonna continue to play, but- y’know, it’s just - not-“ He shook his head. Another sentence left hanging.“I think it’s probably a good idea, at this point.”

“OK,”I said, again. 

“Yeah. So.”

“That’s good, if you can,”I said. “I mean. If you want to.”

“Maybe I do want to.”

“That’s - great.”

He laughed, kind of bitterly. “What, you think I’m a sell out?”

I frowned. “No.”

“Selling out again,”he said, kind of to himself.

“Stone,”I said, quietly.“If you want to go back to school, then go back to school.”

“But you think it’s bullshit?”

I shook my head. 

“You said, _if_ you want to,”he said.

“Yeah.”

“But you don’t think I do.”

I felt really tired. “I don’t think anything. OK? I’m here to _support_ you.” He wasn’t looking at me. I felt so frustrated that I couldnt seem to get through, when I’d dropped everything to be here. “Look, what happened to Andy is-“ I started, and Stone shook his head, like he didn’t want to listen. “-is horrible, alright? It’s the worst thing in the world. But I just, I guess I was surprised to hear you talk about college, because I know how much the band meant to you, and especially so soon after, but-“

“So, what? You think we just find some other long haired rock guy who sings like Andy?” he cut in. 

I felt the lightest drops of rain on my skin, and blinked them away. “I guess I just think, you don’t have to decide anything, right now. You can just…feel how you’re feeling.”

“Right.”

“But that’s not for me, to say, like… what you should do, or-” I tailed off, when Stone abruptly stopped walking, then said- 

“I just wanna walk by myself for a while, if that’s alright.”

I shivered, clutching my jacket around me. “It’s raining again.”

“I don’t care. Just keep walking straight back and you’ll get to the house.””

“OK.” I stayed where I was. “Are you, like - mad at me?”

“No,”he said, quietly.

“OK.”

He shook his head. “I’m not, I’m just, like-” He shrugged. “God, I don’t know.”

*

He didn’t come back til it was almost dark, I was sitting on the bed, trying to journal, to stop my mind from racing. I felt so alone right then. Like we were a thousand miles from Seattle, nothing was real. That everything had crumbled, and I was just _sitting_ in it.

“Sara.”

I turned around. Stone was there, his hair wet from the rain. He looked cold and tired.

“You OK?” he said.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“I, um. Kind of feel like I’m not. OK.”

I waited, sensing there was more.

“And, um. I’m sorry, for -“ 

“Don’t be sorry.” I patted the bed next to me. He came and sat next to me. We watched the last of the light fade out of the window. There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how. Words on the page always came easy, but right there and then, I had nothing to _say_.

“I’m so mad at him,”he said, quietly. “I don’t even wanna go back.”

I’d thought about what he said by the water that time, months ago: _I really want this to work out. But I don’t want him to die._ That feeling: like someone should’ve done something. I didn’t know how anyone would ever learn to live with that feeling. Andy was gone. He would never be replaceable. The hole he left in peoples’ lives would never be filled. We just held each other for a long time. It was the first time we’d done that since we’d got to the cabin. 

“I need to figure out what to do about work,”I said, eventually. 

“You like it there?”he asked. “Still?”

“I mean, yeah. It’s a really cool job. I’ve been getting real experience, I’ve seen some bands, met people…”I trailed off, wondering why I felt like I had to justify myself. “It’s good.”

“Mark Arm said you were a ‘cool chick’,"Stone said, exaggerating the last two words. I rolled my eyes, but at least he was smiling again.

“He’s a lot.”

“They go down well in Australia?”

“Um. Yeah, I think so.”

He didn’t say anything. I found his hand and took it. 

“We were supposed to go tour,”he said, after a while. “We were supposed to go to LA, next week.” He stared out. “I guess that’s not gonna happen now.”

I opened my mouth, then closed it. 

“Fuck,” he said, quietly.

“It’s OK.” I pulled him to me, felt his tears on my neck. “It’s OK, it’s gonna be OK.” Our faces were so close, our lips almost touching. I tried to pull back a little, not wanting to overstep, but he closed the space between us, kissing me, softly at first, and I couldn’t help giving into it. I'd missed him so much. His hand came to tangle in my hair as he pulled me closer, the weight of his body pressing me down on to the bed. 

“Stone,”I whispered, my arms around his neck but pulling back, wanting him to look at me. That sadness in his green eyes. I touched his face. I just wanted to make him feel something good again. When all our skin was pressed together, our clothes discarded on the floor, I held him so close as he pushed inside me, his hands finding mine and holding them. We were lost in it. It felt like a release, for both of us. Then we just lay together, so close, and I held him when he cried, my fingers gently untangling his messy waves, til he finally fell into an exhausted sleep.

We spent a couple of days just being together. Sometimes, he let me be there for him - we’d talk, or go on long walks, brushing away the overgrown branches, looking out at the expanse below that seemed to go on forever. We had sex a couple of times, but it was more urgent, rougher - like he just wanted to forget everything. It left me kind of cold, but I let it be what it was.

“Remember that first night? On the bus? You gave that driver your guitar pick.” Lying in bed, mid-afternoon. I was trying to make him smile. “God, imagine if things had just been different, after that night.”

“What things?”he said, lying there, staring at the ceiling. His big green eyes so far away. 

I laid my head on his shoulder, knowing I'd messed up without meaning to. “I don’t know.”

“Seems like a really long time ago.”

The next morning, I was woken up, alone, by the phone ringing. I fumbled on the bedside table for the extension and pressed the button, but Stone must have picked it up at the same time downstairs because before I could say anything I heard him say, “Hello?” His voice quiet and hoarse, like he’d been crying again.

“Hey, Stoney. It’s me, um- hi.”

_Alicia._

Stone didn’t say anything for a moment. I stayed still, listening to them breathe. Then he said -

“Leesh. Where have you-”

“It doesn’t matter. Look, are you, um… Grace told me about Andy. I’m really fucking _sorry_ , man.”

“Yeah,” Stone said, softly.

I thought about her, my beautiful friend. And how beautiful he was, too. The way they knew each other so well. And I felt kind of stupid, for even trying.

“I can’t imagine, like-“ she was saying. Then I hung up, wondering if it was obvious I’d been listening. 

I curled back up in bed, wanting to sleep again but knowing I wouldn’t. Stone didn’t come back up, and I went to shower, thinking anxiously about work, about what I was going to do. Then I took some coffee back upstairs and I called Grace. This time, she picked up.

“Hey, Gracey,”i said. “How are you holding up?”

“Umm. Yeah. Not so good.” Her voice was tiny, sad. 

I bit my lip. “I’ve been calling you, but your mom said, um - well. Never mind. Listen, I’m really sorry, about taking off. I didn’t plan it. I just got back to my house and Stone was there, and…” I felt like a shitty friend, right then. “Well, I guess he was really upset.”

“Yeah,”she said, quietly. “I get it. I know he and Andy were, um…. you know.”

“How is Jeff?”I asked. I'd picked up on something between Grace and Jeff when I was at her house - the fact she was the first person he was calling with news - but I wasn’t going to push. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered anymore. 

“Um,”she sighed. “He’s devastated, really. That's the best way I can describe it. I don’t think he can believe it. That it’s over. I mean, that’s what he keeps saying.”

“He should talk to Stone, or-“I tailed off. 

“Stone just left the hospital. He _left_ ,”she said. “I don’t know. It’s a fucking mess. And I’m just so _angry_ at myself, or like, at _them_ -for not doing something, or not _knowing_ , and I know it’s fucking useless. I _know_ it’s not gonna bring him back, I just…” She exhaled. “My mom says, that’s normal. Magical thinking.”

_Me reading the same Choose Your Own Adventure book, over and over. Always wanting to go back, to fix things. Magical thinking._

“His memorial is in a couple days,” she said. “You think you guys are gonna make it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Meg’s not coming. She couldn’t get it off work. That’s what she said.”

We didn’t say anything for a while, then-

“I think I want to go away,”she said.

“Yeah?”

“Like, far away. Maybe go to Europe. Go see where my mom came from, in Berlin. Try and find her old house.”

I remembered Grace’s mom talking about it at Christmas. The war. Leaving Germany, only a tiny baby, with her mom and sisters. No money for a ticket for her dad, then. Then it was too late; he’d gone, and his toy shop too. It was crazy to me, that she could have gone through that, when everybody acted like it was all so long ago.

“I was wondering, um - would you, maybe, want to come with me?”

Her question hung in the still air. I had no idea what to say, except-

“I, um, I don’t think I can afford-“

“But if that wasn’t, like, a thing. Would you?”

I looked around at the beautiful cabin, so full of nice things. Thought about Grace’s parents’ house. Alicia’s house. I couldn’t imagine that world, where money wasn’t a thing. _Europe._ It was what I'd always wanted. Somewhere I'd always promised that I'd go.

“I mean, that’s not- and I have work, and, um-” 

_Stone_. The way he opened up to me. I should stay in Seattle. I had a lot of things to do.

“Just say yes or no,” she said. 

I could feel the need in her, across the distance. And I knew she meant, _just say yes._

“Yes,”I said.

The next morning, I stood at the window watching Stone, outside in the little garden. I knew we had to go back, for Andy’s memorial service. Stone wouldn’t talk about it. But Grace couldn't be alone there. I didn’t want her to be alone, with all that wasted love, nowhere left for it to go. She was my friend.

I let myself think about Andy. I didn’t really know him at all. I just knew he was loved. I’d seen him with his friends. Seen him in front of a crowd of people singing his songs. I’d always remember him like that; the last show at the Central, in his suit jacket and shades, blonde hair flying everywhere. The triumph in him when he yelled, _I’ll see y’all again soon!_ And I felt his loss again, sudden and wrenching: the unfairness of it. The brutality of it.

_You make your way to the end of the passage, and blink as you emerge into a meadow, studded with daisies. The sky is blue and cloudless, and the strains of soft folk music echo through the air. You make your way towards the sound of the music, underneath a banner for Woodstock 1964 fluttering in the air. A long-haired man with a crown of flowers in his hair turns to you, smiling from ear to ear. “You look lost,” he says. “I can show you the way home.” If you decide to follow him, turn to page 22._

I watched a white butterfly float over the blossoms, its tiny wings beating vivid against the greens. It stayed close to Stone for a while, then fluttered away, into the trees. 

“Hey,” he said, when he came back inside. “You OK?”

“I think we should go back,”I said, turning away from the window. “Our friends need us.”

He stared at me, started to shake his head. “I don’t, um-“

“Jeff needs you,”I said. I don’t know where it came from, at all. I wasn’t planning to say it. “I think he really needs you.”

Stone stared at me, like he couldn’t believe I said that. 

“You want to talk about Jeff _?_ ”he said. 

That edge in his tone. I steeled myself. I wasn’t going to rise to it. And I wasn’t going to mention Alicia right now, ask him about that phone call. This wasn’t about _me._

“He’s your best friend,”I said. ”You said that to me.” 

He didn’t say anything. I went to him, put my arms around him. He didn’t stop me. I held him tight. Moving forward, it was the only thing we could do. “You have to go home.”

##  **MEG**

The ocean was so blue that day. I remember the foam on the waves, the way they crashed onto the shore, spilling tiny shells that cracked under your feet. I was thinking about talking to Grace last night. Lying to her, saying I couldn’t get it off work. I knew I was letting them down, but I couldn’t go to that service. If I didn’t go, then it wasn’t happening.

“Hey, Meg?”

I turned around and it was Eddie. His hair was drying curly in the weak evening sun. He looked good. Tan, eyes as blue as that ocean. I felt that kind of pull to him, much as I didn’t want to.

“Hey,”I said.

“Haven’t seen you down here in a while,”he said. “You with Jack?”

“Uh, no. Jack’s at practise.”

“Oh, no shit. This, um- his new gig? Eleven?”

I nodded. 

“That’s sweet. Good job,”he said, smiling. But I couldn’t smile back. I saw a frown cross his face and I looked away. 

He stood beside me, looking out at the ocean too. “Best time of day,”he said, glancing at me. I didn’t reply.

“You doing OK?”he asked, tentatively.

I nodded. 

“You look kind of... sad.”

And then, even as the tears came to my eyes, I could smile. _Sad._ Yeah, I was sad. I was so fucking sad.

“Hey,”he said, noticing. “You want to talk about it?”

I stared at him, through the blur. He was kind. One thing I could tell about him: he was kind. 

“A friend of mine died,”I said. “He died of a heroin overdose. And I'm fucking angry with him because I knew, I _knew_ he wasn’t OK-” I broke off, and he came to me, just took me in his arms and held me, like we’d known each other for years. I buried my face in his bare shoulder, his damp waves tickling my face. Jack had been spending a lot of time out of the apartment. I knew why. I knew he couldn’t deal with it; another one like Hillel, and that constant mix of pain and anger, for the people who loved them.

“Let’s go swimming,”Eddie said, gently. He took my arms in his hands and held me there, looked at me. “Trust me. I think it might help.”

I nodded. I was so tired of trying to figure out what to do with myself. “OK.”

We walked into the waves, not talking, until it came up to our waists and we struck out swimming. I took a breath and dived under. It was so quiet down there. I let the water carry me for a while, closing my eyes. it was so cold and quiet.

_“Meg.”_

I swam back up and broke the surface, dazzled by the sun as I looked around for Eddie. He was floating a little way off. 

“What is it?”I said, blinking water out of my eyes. “Why’d you call me?”

“I didn’t,” he said, looking at me, quizzically. “I didn’t call you.”

We stared at each other. It felt like we were the only two people left in the world. And I suddenly felt lighter than I had in days. Like, I just wanted to _live_. 

I swam towards him, just kissed him, right there in the water. He didn’t pull away. His lips tasted of the sea. I felt him pull me closer in the water, just a little. What I felt right then; I hadn’t felt that since the time me and Chris kissed. Maybe, not even then.

When we broke apart, Eddie’s deep blue eyes were searching. We trod water, staring at each other for a second.

“I’m sorry,”I said.

“I’m not,”he said. 

We both laughed; and I felt that lightness again. The strangest thing.


	49. Chapter 49

##  **March 1990**

##  **GRACE**

When my grandma visited for my mom’s fortieth birthday, she brought me a pendant. A silver hand, a tiny turquoise amazonite stone set in an eye at the center. I thought it was creepy, but kind of cool. _“Against the evil eye,”_ she told me. I wore it every day, til I lost it at that party in the forest on Bainbridge Island. That would’ve been 87, or something. And back then I thought, _if I still had that thing, maybe Stone would like me,_ or _maybe I would’ve got an A in Math._ Every time something shitty happened to me, I thought: _if I still had that necklace…_

I was standing in front of the mirror, a few days after Andy died. And I had that sudden, awful thought, buried deep. _If I still had that necklace, maybe everything would’ve been OK_. 

I found my old jewelry box in a dresser drawer, looked through the plastic junk. Nothing. Stupid.

But then, a rip in the satin lining. The shine of silver and turquoise.

I spent all my time alone. Crying til I was so exhausted there was nothing to do but sleep. I wouldn’t talk to anybody. My mom tried to do her therapist thing a few times; then she called my grandma.

“Hello,”I said, quietly. We hadn’t spoken in a while, but it never mattered. We’d always been like that. Her voice was comforting, and the sounds of her faraway city in the background, traffic noise and something like singing.

“Your mama said you’re not doing so good.”

I told her about Andy. And I told her that my _hamsa_ necklace had come back.

“I made a prayer over it,”she said. “ _Let no sadness come to this heart_.” She sounded so old, like she’d lived so much.

“But I _am_ sad.” I felt the tears on my face. The stone in my chest.

“Sad now, but it will pass. We survive.”

“How do you know?”

“In my whole life, that’s what I know.”

She left Berlin with three little girls, a little bit of money. My grandfather never got to follow them to America. And I felt her strength; for the first time ever, I really understood it. 

“Will you tell me the stories?”I asked, sitting on my bed. _Their little toy store. The linden trees outside that swept the pavement in summer. The crush getting off the boat at Ellis Island, my mother wrapped in a shawl under her coat._

We stayed on the phone a long time, til it was dark outside and I could finally sleep.

The next day, I asked Mom to take me back to my apartment. I let myself in, the air cold and stale, realising I hadn’t been there since before Andy died. I’d gone out in a rush to go meet Jeff, cups in the sink, all my photos of Andy lying around; younger, shyer, balanced on the edge of a fountain. Smiling against the bright coldness of a Seattle day.

I stared at them, realising he was never gonna get older. I was never gonna take another photo of him. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._ I swallowed tears, carefully picked up all the photographs and placed them in a wallet folder, then put a pile of papers on top of it. I cleaned my whole room, sweeping cuttings into a trash bag. The Parsons application form filled out on my desk. I looked at it, holding the bag, but I didn’t toss it out.

When the phone rang, I went to go get it, still concentrating on my breathing, on getting from one moment to the next. Maybe it was Sara again, I knew she’d been trying to call me.

“Hey, Gracey.”

“Alicia?” I sat down on a kitchen stool. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to - Wait, are you OK?”

She didn’t know. 

Of course she didn’t know. She was in Europe. No one would ever know about Andy, there.

“Grace? What’s going on?”

“Um.” I breathed in, out. “Andy died.”

It was the first time I’d said it; like just _said_ it.

I heard the fuzz of the line between us. I stared at the picture of my mom that I’d stuck on the noticeboard. _We survive._

“Oh, my God,”she said.

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes.

“Fuck, Gracey. Just- _fuck.”_ She’d always made fun of Andy, but I knew her. I knew the way she laughed when we were with him. _Monastery. The Metropolis. Tacoma. The Central._ We were all always there, together. “What _happened_?”

“He overdosed. Heroin.”

“Oh.”

What could anybody say?

“Are you OK?”she asked. “Is somebody with you, or like-“

“I’ve been at my parents, with Sara,”I said. Wishing so much that Alicia was here. Just needing her, so much. _Why did you leave me?_ I wanted to say. But I didn’t. I didn’t tell her about Jeff, either. “I’m OK.”

“What about Stone?”

“I think he’s at his family’s place, in the Cascades.”

“Jesus.” I heard her breathe, deeply.

“You should call him,”I said. She didn't reply. “Leesh, however weird you guys left things - call him.”

I heard her breathe for a while. “Why?”

“I don’t know. It might… help.”

Another pause. Then- “Gracey - do you wanna get away, for a while?”

I didn’t know what to say. “Where?”

“Anywhere. Anywhere you wanna go. Just fucking get out of town. Do you want to do that?”

_We survive._

“Maybe,”I said, quietly. “Um - is there some way I can call you back?”

*

That night, Jeff came over. He looked like he needed to wash his hair, maybe shave, but the smell of him was so comforting to me. We lay on my bed, in my newly spotless room.

“I’m sorry, for- before,”I said, laying on his chest. “I didn’t know what to do, I was a jerk to you.”

He kissed me, gently, on the forehead. “It’s OK.”

“Thanks for coming over.”

“What did you do with the photos?”he asked. “You finish your piece?”

“I put them away.”

“Why?”

“Because I just… couldn’t,”I said.

He looked down at me, and his calloused fingers traced over mine. “Yeah. I get it.”

“I’m gonna go to Europe,”I said. “I talked to Alicia today. She’s gonna meet us in Berlin.”

“Us?”

“Me and Sara.”

It was kind of weird. I never asked him about Sara, how he might still feel. I watched his face; his warm blue eyes seemed distant, maybe. But his hand was still in mine and he squeezed it gently.

“That’s cool,”he said. “Always wanted to go. But, uh - I’m gonna miss you.”

I looked into his eyes, and I knew he meant it. It was the first time we’d said something like that. And it didn’t feel strange. It felt OK.

“What will you do?”I asked, noticing the dark circles around his eyes and the red in them, his bitten lips. “I mean - what do you _want_ to do?”

“I don’t know, honestly,”he said. “There’s contracts. We got a fucking record coming out, uh... Well. They pulled it, for a while, actually.” I stared at him, wondering how he could be so brave, when everything was falling apart. "Nobody really knows right now, I tried calling Stone a bunch of times, I spoke to Kelly, but-“ He tailed off. “I feel like, um. Like I might be done. Like, it’s over.”

"What do you mean?”I asked.

“I dont know. Maybe it’s just not gonna work out, for me.”

I didn’t know what to say, but I understood. I wanted to leave too. Change. Forget, even. When someone said there was a way out, I took it.

“Been thinking maybe I’ll go back to school in the fall, in Montana. Pick up my degree. I’ve had, um - a lot more like, art experience, now, so…”

“Yeah.”

“You’re still gonna apply though, right? To that school in New York?”he asked.

I thought about the photos of Andy, that I’d stashed away, hidden under a stack of crap. “I’m leaving in 2 days. I don’t think I’m gonna have time to finish my piece.”

“Oh.”

I could hear traffic outside the window, the world going on as if nothing happened. Just another ordinary Wednesday night. Andy hadn’t even been gone a week. _How was that possible?_

“I can help you out with it, if you want,”Jeff said. “Just, if you want to.”

The numbers on my clock glowed accusingly: 23:57.

“Now?”I said.

Jeff shrugged, biting his lip. “It helps me, sometimes.”

*

Andy’s memorial was at the Paramount Theater. The marquee with his name on it. ANDY WOOD 1966-1990. It felt like a dream. People kept arriving; some of them we knew, some of them we didn’t. The sidewalk outside the theater was packed, regular people having to walk out into the road to get around us. We didn’t care. As we walked in, we heard Andy's voice, him playing piano, booming out of the speakers. I couldnt believe he wasnt really there. Sara holding my hand. Everyone singing, lighting candles. So many people.

We went in and sat in the back. Sara was just reading the order of service, over and over. I saw Stone, Jeff, Bruce and Greg come in together, heard the muted cheers for them as they took their seats in the front. None of them turned to look around. 

We cried, silent. We listened to Andy’s dad talk about drugs. The minister talking about youth burning too bright. _“Andy’s just gone down in the elevator.”_

Then someone in the third row back was like, “Excuse me?!”

Some people started looking around. The minister stopped talking. 

The guy was climbing over people in the audience, walking down the aisle to the stage. 

It was Regan.

All my memories of him were just like, falling out of clubs. Lying on the grass watching the ships come in, that first early morning after Monastery. Alicia always said: _that was the start of our lives. Our real lives._ He was dumb and young and crazy, like everyone else. And I remembered him brooding about losing his band, about losing Andy to Mother Love Bone. Getting stupidly drunk and talking trash, making out with Alicia in front of Stone.

But now he was the only one getting up on that stage for Andy. Taking the mic right out of that old guy’s hands. His voice shaking only just a little, as he looked out at us and spoke.

“i just want to say, um. That that’s - it’s bullshit. OK?” Everyone’s eyes on him. The hushed whispers. But he didn’t stop. “Andy didn’t _go down_. If he’s anywhere, he went up. He _flew_.”

“That’s fucking right!” yelled somebody near the front. Then more people, too. I gripped Sara’s hand.

“So, uh. Raise your hands high, for Andy,” Regan said, faltering. “I think it’s, um- I just think, it would be better.”

Someone started clapping, their hands in the air, and then others did, too. The minister awkwardly stepping back, as the theater filled with the sound of it, with the sea of arms in the air, reaching up.

##  **STONE**

I felt like I wasn’t there, or something. That whole week at the cabin with Sara.

I’d wanted her to be there. I knew she was the only one who was gonna let me feel the way I felt. And I’d been thinking about her so much the past few months. She was the only person I wanted to see, when I left the hospital. Like being with her was the only thing that could make me feel OK. But every time she tried, I still felt kind of numb.

There was one time, I could just be there, really there, with her. I’d fucking ignored her for like two days. I hated it. I hated the whole situation, how I was dealing with it, or wasn’t, really. We were sitting on the bed, and we kissed, for the first time since that night at the Central, and I just wanted her so fucking much. I wanted to show her how much I was feeling, that I still thought she was beautiful, that nobody else mattered to me. The way she touched me, like she really cared about me, being that close to her. She stayed with me all night, I fell asleep still inside her. And for the first time since all that shit with Alicia years back, I was like - _OK,_ _this is real._

But you wake up, and it hits you. It’s over. He’s gone.

My dad on the voicemail: _I can talk to the Dean at UDub. You’re legacy, and you have some credits you can still use in the fall.. I know this is hard, but this is not the end for you. I want you to really understand that._

But I don’t think I did really understand that.

I fought these battles in my head all the time. I was sad. Then I was angry. I kept going back over shit in my head. “Imagine if things had just been different,”Sara said, one day, and I guess she meant: with us. But, _if I’d called Andy back that night. If I’d tried harder, been better with him. If we did this, or that different. If Xana did this. If Kelly did this. If I did this, if I didn't do this._ Just these battles. Sad - I’d cry. and she’d hold me. Then, angry - I didn’t recognise myself, I didn’t want to be like this, with her. And after Alicia called me, even though I knew she was right, I just kept thinking about her - stuff I’d forgotten about for years, I wanted to go back and start it all again, maybe Andy would live this time, maybe she would’ve loved me.

I think by the end of that week, we were both confused. So when Sara said she wanted to go back to Seattle, I wasn’t exactly surprised. But I was sad.

We didn't talk on the drive back. She tried to touch my arm a few times, but I just stared at the road. I dropped her off, then I went to bed even though it was just early afternoon. I slept all day, stayed up all night, just walking around the neighborhood in the dark.

I still needed her. But then, even at Andy’s memorial, I was fucking up. I couldn’t talk to her. It was just all these people crying for Andy and talking about him in the past tense. I still don't remember a lot about that day.

Finally I called her, maybe a week had gone by. Her roommate picked up.

“Oh, no, she’s gone.”

“What, um… she’s gone?”

“Yeah, she left Seattle. I think she said she was going to Europe?”

And it’s like I’m twenty years old again, in a phone booth in Hollywood. And Green River are done, I know we’re fucking done, but all I can think about is a girl. _“I wish you were here. I know things are weird with us right now. I just... I need you to tell me what you want. Tell me to move on, like - say, you don’t want me, I need you to say it. Or just tell me, if you do.”_

But I’m twenty three years old, in my parents’ kitchen. Mother Love Bone are done. Andy is done. Everything is done. 

“S _he left Seattle_. _No, she didn’t leave a number.”_

##  **MEG**

I hadn't stopped thinking about that day with Eddie. How we’d both swum back to shore, apart from each other, then sat in the sand together as the last of the sun went down. “ _I kind of like you,”_ he’d said, after a while. _“You and Jack, are you guys, like-?”_ And I just said- _“No, it’s not like that.”_ AndI felt like a bitch, even though me and Jack had never _talked_ about it, and we hadn’t had sex since I found out about Andy. 

And so I’d gone back to the beach, the same time next week, and Eddie was there. I watched him talking to some surfing guys by the lifeguard tower, sat at the edge of the water letting the water lap over my toes. When I looked back over my shoulder, I saw him watching me, and I smiled. Honestly, it was like he was the only thing that could make me smile, then.

“Well, hey,”he said, coming over. “Kind of hoped I might bump into you again.”

“Hey,” I said, looking up at him. He was wearing a sleeveless tshirt and shorts, had a few woven bands tied around one wrist, that messy surfer hair. He looked good. And he was smiling at me. 

He crouched down next to me, and then he leaned in to brush a strand of hair away from my face, behind my ear, and he kissed me, lightly, like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

I stared at him, and he frowned slightly. “Sorry, I just - wanted to do that for a while.”

“Me too,”I said, feeling my heart beat a little faster.

“You look really beautiful.”

I smiled. It was a little much. Was this the real him? Well, maybe it was.

“OK. Um - you can say no, but - you want to go get a drink, or something?”he said, after a moment. “I got the night off, for once.”

I looked at him. “You mean tonight?” He nodded, his blue eyes searching. I felt nervous, I don’t know why. I never felt like that around guys. But- “OK. Sure.”

We went to a bar near the beach, somewhere tacky where I guess we wouldn’t bump into anyone we knew. The air was warm, traffic moving slow up and down the strip, and we talked about music , about some band he tried out for who wanted to do the glam thing, made fun of his haircut. His hand briefly touched my waist as he guided me to a seat by the bar and I felt actual shivers go through me. He bought us both beers and I crushed the lime segment hard into the neck, hoping the shitty low light was working for me.

“I’m sorry this place sucks, but I'm a struggling artist,” he said, leaning into me, and I smiled.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely a throwback.” That made him laugh, his blue eyes lighting up. I waved at the cheesy surfer decor around the bar, the novelty car plates and the plastic leis hanging up. “You think he’ll give me one of those?” 

Eddie raised an eyebrow, then turned to the barman. “Hey, Curtis, can my friend have one of those?” He pointed at the leis. I cracked up, blushing. “Uh - what color?” he turned back to me.

“Um -“ I picked one at random. “The red.”

The bar guy took it down, and tossed it to Eddie, who caught it in both hands. “I’d have picked the green, though,”he said, as he gently lifted my hair and placed it around my neck. 

“Oh yeah?”

“Goes with your eyes.”

“ _Wow._ ”

But he was laughing too. “That too much?”he said.

“A little bit.”

“Guys in Seattle that smooth?”

“Hell, no.” I adjusted the lei around my neck. It smelled musty and kind of gross, but I didn’t care. I sipped my beer. “Thanks, by the way.”

He clinked his bottle against mine. I smiled, thinking how cute he was. Up close, his skin was so smooth and perfect, the lightest dusting of dark brown freckles on his cheeks. Whatever was going on between us, I knew I didn’t want it to end. I also knew it was stupid and complicated, that Eddie had a long term girlfriend currently in Chicago who he was trying to work things out with; that Jack had been amazing to me, since I came to LA, and maybe we were more than just friends. 

“How are you holding up?”he said, his eyes on me. “After, um - last week.”

I looked at him.

“Your friend, I mean,”he said, quickly. 

“Oh.” I frowned. There was the real answer: I’d been waking up from sleep gasping with panic attacks like I hadn’t known since high school, I’d listened to Grace cry over the phone for three hours, I’d left Chris some bullshit voicemail with an excuse for why I wasn't coming back for the memorial then I’d gotten drunk and left another one full of all my stupid anger about Andy. 

Then there was the other answer: the one I was gonna give. 

“I’m OK. I mean, it was a shock. We were friends a few years, and-“ I bit my lip. That was as far as I was gonna go. “It’s a shitty fucking thing.”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah. It is. How old was he?”

“Umm.” I suddenly got this real vivid picture of Andy in my head, that last night I was out with them. Was that really the last thing I said to him? Telling him off for joking about his problems? I felt another pang go right through me. _Nope_. “Young.” 

“Man, I remember Jack, after Hillel. I guess I met him not long after that happened.” Eddie’s face creased in a frown, remembering. “He was pretty low.”

“Yeah.” I remembered it too. Trying to help Jack, from hundreds of miles away, sitting in the garage with the phone so my mom didn’t hear. I hadn’t really believed Hillel was gone, for a long time. I even sent him a postcard once, from Canada. “Hillel was great,”I said. “It’s weird, though, I was like, _surprised,_ when he died. I didn’t know he was into… that. He was just always laughing, you know? Acting stupid, having fun.” _Don’t think about the times he’d go missing for hours, don’t think about the marks on his arms._

“Wish I’d known him,”Eddie said. _"_ Fucking waste. I thought it was like, LA.I remember when we moved down here, that all seemed like it was so normal. Like, serious fucking _drugs_. Normal.” 

“We?”I said.

“Me and Beth.”

“Oh.” _There it was._

“We, um. We’re kind of on a break right now,”he added, glancing at me.

“I’m sorry. That sucks.” I stared at my drink, twisting the ice around and around. It was a weird, awkward moment.

“We’ve been together a long time. It, um - comes and goes, you know? You just keep on pushing. That’s what she tells me, anyway.” 

I didn’t know. I didn’t know, at all. The longest relationship I’d ever had was with Michael Kuzak in _LA Law_ , and that was a little one-sided, to say the least. I didn’t want to talk about it any more.

“I don’t know. It kind of feels like that in Seattle too,”I said. “The papers are all like, _Drug casualties endemic -_ one of my best friend’s dads is a doctor in the ER, he’s got a whole book of horror stories. There was a needle exchange right under my old apartment.” I shook my head. “I mean, we used to do some stuff, but like, _heroin_ \- I don’t know. Like, even though I know it _happens_ ….” I tailed off.

“It’s another way to deal with shit,”Eddie said. “I mean - I can relate to that. Kind of. I never did any heroin, but like- it can get a little dark up here, sometimes.” He tapped his forehead. “Think that’s what kind of scares me, about trying to make it, or whatever. Like- what happens if you _make it_? How’re you gonna deal with that?”

“Are you still trying?”I asked, and he looked at me, not getting it. “To make it,”I said, kind of distracted by his lips. I guess I didn’t really take him seriously. Or maybe I’d seen too many band guys crash and burn.

“Yeah, I know. Surfer-loser-security-guard-or-something. I guess I’m kind of just waiting,”he said. His eyes met mine, and there it was again, that god damned pull towards him.

“For what?”I asked, trying to stay cool.

“Something to happen.”

I glanced at the mirror behind the bar and thought, _I look good_. Then I looked back at him. That tension like- _are we gonna kiss again, right now?_ He was kind of intense, but I liked it. I didn’t feel young or unsure around him, the way I did around Chris a lot of the time. 

“So, are you gonna be a big rockstar?”I said.

He laughed. “Man, I don’t know. I remember what my stepdad said to me, last time I saw him. _I’m really disappointed in you_.”

“Wow,”I said. “That’s-“

“Yeah. I mean, kind of just made me more determined, though. He wanted me to try for college, something like that-“ Eddie shook his head. “I just wanted to play. I got my guitar and my girl and I walked out of there. Like, _I disappoint you? So what?_ He’s not even my father.”

I could tell it was a sore spot for him. “That sucks. I mean, I went to this fancy school on like a scholarship, and I definitely knew a few parents like that. But my dad, um- he just wanted me to be happy. We didn’t have a lot of money or whatever, but we were happy.” I hardly even let myself think about my dad. Singing Elvis to me, swinging me round, making my mom cry with laughter. The way he lit up any room. How he was so fucking wasted in his life; working on the boats all the time, dying too young. How it made me feel wasted, too, like I’d always just be looking for him, in some way. 

“You’re lucky,"Eddie said.

“I don’t feel it.”

“You are. Hey, you think I can get some of that luck?”

We smiled at each other, and when we kissed, tentatively, there it was again, right in the pit of my stomach. The butterflies. 

I broke away. “Do you wanna, like... get out of here?”

He nodded, not pulling away, and kissed me again. “OK.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: couple of time jumps here, between 1990/1994 and these 2 star crossed lovers... *tiny smut warning* 

##  **SARA**

##  **March 1990, Seattle**

Outside the Paramount, after Andy’s memorial, me and Grace stood quietly together, watching people come out. She hadn’t said anything for a while. We saw the kid who’d gotten up on stage - Regan?- and she went over to talk to him, hug him, while I stood trying to be inconspicuous. I kind of just wanted to go home, process.

“Sara?” I turned around and saw Cameron Crowe, looking kind of out of place among all the younger people. He smiled. _He remembered my name_. I guess sometimes, meeting your heroes really is worth it. “How are you?”

“I’m, um.” I shrugged. “I’m OK, I guess. In the, uh, circumstances.”

He nodded. “I couldn’t get my head around it, when Kelly called me,”Cameron said, shaking his head. “Andy was something pretty special.”

I didn’t know what to say. 

“It’s good though, that you guys have this,”he said. “A family.”

I didn’t get it, then. I didn’t know what a family was, really. Never had. I wanted to be there for my friends, but I felt like I didn’t even know how. _A family._ It hadn’t saved Andy. None of us had.

“You said your friends gave you a home.” He was smiling. “ ‘ _Like I wasn’t on an island anymore’_.”

I stared at him, not understanding. “An island?”

“That’s what you said. I wrote it down.”

Any other time, that would’ve filled me up. A writer like him, caring enough about something I’d said to write it down. But I just nodded. That conversation with him seemed like a really long time ago.

“I hope your movie goes well,”I said, blandly.

“Thanks. Hey - you have my number, if you ever want an in, at the magazine.“ He shrugged. “Offer stands.”

“Sara?” Grace was calling over to me. She was standing with Chris Cornell and a few others. 

“Thank you,”I said to Cameron, sincerely. “I really appreciate that.” He nodded, and then I went over to the others.

“We’re going to Kelly’s house,”Chris said. “He manages Mother Love Bone. Uh. _Managed_. A bunch of people are going over there, just um- to say goodbye to Andy, or-“ He shrugged. “I can give you guys a ride.”

Right then, Bruce and Jeff came out of the theater. Stone wasn’t with them. When Jeff saw Grace, he immediately came over, as Bruce hung back, looking dazed, and Jeff put an arm around Grace as she wiped back her tears. I hadn’t asked questions, but I knew something had happened between them, and they were kind of perfect for each other; but it still felt a little weird, and again I felt that sense that I was somehow out of place. 

“Um-“ I shook my head. “You know what, I think I’m gonna go home. Thank you. You guys go ahead.” Jeff was looking at me, but I just glanced at him briefly, self conscious. “I’ll see you guys later.” 

I smiled at Grace, who tried to smile back, and then gave a kind of awkward wave to Chris and Jeff and turned to go, walking down the street threading through the crowds that still seemed to be hanging outside the theater. So many of them. Andy had touched all those people, somehow.

Then, I almost ran into Stone. He was standing on the edge of a group, I recognised Jerry from Alice in Chains but nobody else, really. They must have left before everybody else. He looked tired, drawn, wearing all black and sunglasses, his hair pulled back from his face. He attempted a brief smile when he saw me, but it didn’t reach his eyes. And it was weird, after the days we’d spent in the cabin - like the miles between here and there had undone it, somehow.

“Oh - hey,” I said. Suddenly wanting to just hug him, but both of us hanging back.

“Hey,” he said. 

“Are you, um-“

“I’m OK.”

We stared at each other. 

“I’m fine,”he said. “I’m good, really. Thanks for coming down.”

It was strange. Like he’d just shut down again, the way he did at the cabin.

“Of course,”I said. I was kind of aware of Jerry looking at us, and I looked down, self conscious again.

“I’ll see you around, OK?”he said.

And then I suddenly realised it might be the last time I’d see him. I was about to say it: _I’m leaving Seattle._

But the way he looked, right then - I couldn’t. Because if he asked me to stay…

“Yeah,”I said, meeting his eyes. Like- _what about all the stuff we’d been through, the way it was with us, what about that?_ Why was he acting the same way he did the morning he left after we hooked up for the first time? I wished, so much, that things could just be simpler. That we could’ve met each other at another time, that we could’ve done things differently. But I was done with it. I had to be, for both of us. “I’ll see you.”

The next day, I packed up my room. Lil’s boyfriend-whatever his preppy name was - was gonna move in, and they said I could keep my stuff there for the three months left on the lease, if I didn’t mind him turning my room into some kind of home gym. I crammed it in the wardrobe, my random clothes, my writing stuff and the crap I’d accumulated in Seattle. When I took the photos off my pinboard I felt a pang, and stuffed them into the notebook I was taking to Europe. I put Jeff’s painting carefully on top of my other stuff, and covered it with a sheet of tissue. 

Then, the last thing I had to do in Seattle. I went into Bruce and Jon’s office at Sub Pop, fidgeting with my last finished press release, my heart pounding as I told them I was leaving town, for _family reasons_. 

They looked at me for a long time, like they didn’t get it. I could see Maura was peering through the window on the door, trying to figure out what was going on.

“You’ve only been with us a few months,”Bruce said, at last.

“I know,”I said quietly, staring at the papers on their desk. Something to do with touring insurance, and a receipt for a dozen doughnuts.

“This is a good opportunity for you. For anyone. Do you see that?”Jon said, then. I knew he’d be tougher. And it was fair, honestly.

“I know,”I said, again. “I’m really sorry, to do this. I just have to go.”

“You _have_ to, or you want to?”Jon said, staring at me. 

I shook my head. I wasn’t sure. Maybe a little of both.

“You said you’re going to Europe,”Bruce said, a little kinder in his tone. I nodded. “Family there?”

“Um. Kind of.”

“Well, if you find yourself in London-“ he took a Post-It from the pad, opened the stuffed-full address book and copied out a name and number, pushed it across the desk to me. “This guy is doing some work for us there. Give him a call. He could probably use a little help.”

I looked at the note, then at him. “Thank you,”I said.

“We’ll pay you the rest of the month,”he said, putting his address book away. “Good luck with everything. You’re a good writer.”

I stood outside the Sub Pop office for a while, not wanting to go home. The three coffees i’d had made me jittery and it was cold for March, I shivered in the shadow of the building. Then I heard my name behind me- “Hey.”

I turned around and it was Kurt. They’d been on tour for a while. He had the ghost of a tan, his beard had grown. He looked healthier, even happy. 

“Hey,”I said, awkwardly.

“You goin’ up?”

“Um.” I shook my head. “No, I just came down.”

“You OK?” He frowned, looking at me with his intense eyes. “You look sort of… weird.”

I blushed. “Weird?”

“Yeah. What’s going on?”

A couple of the suit guys who worked in one of the marketing firms in the building walked past us, giving us dirty looks. I guess they weren’t used to the scraggly kids coming in and out all day, forever forgetting our passes or filling up the elevator with the smell of smoke and patchouli. Kurt was oblivious, though. He got a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, then offered me one. I shook my head, stared at the pavement as he lit up.

“I’m leaving,” I said, after a minute.

He looked at me, took a long drag on his cigarette. “Leaving Sub Pop? You don’t like it?”

I bit my lip. “No. I do like it. But, um - I’m leaving Seattle. For a while, anyway.”

“Oh, shit. Is it, uh- like, family stuff, or-“ We’d talked a couple times about our families, found kind of a connection there, I guess.

I shook my head. “No. I mean, not really. I’m going away with a friend. She’s having a tough time, and, um.” I didn’t know if it was even ok to say the other reason. It seemed so selfish or frivolous or something. “I always wanted to travel.”

“That’s cool,”Kurt said, nodding. “You excited?”

“Uh, yeah. I am. I just… it’s been a kind of weird couple weeks.” I looked at him. “Andy Wood died, and it kind of hit my friends hard.”

“Yeah. I heard about it. We were still in Mexico, but - um… I’m sorry. He was, like… I mean, I wasn’t the greatest fan of his, honestly, but -“ He smiled, and I wondered what he was thinking about. “I saw him in Tacoma once, with his old band, uh- Malfunkshun. He was dolled up, he seemed totally wired, and I just like, fell asleep right in the middle of the show, and then next thing I know, I wake up and there’s this kid in clown makeup singing to me. _At_ me,”he said, shaking his head. “Whole room was laughing their asses off. But I mean, I didn’t care. It was funny, I guess.”

I smiled. “He was a pretty big character.”

“Yeah. He was. You know what’s gonna happen with his record now? They gonna keep going?”

I shook my head. I was trying not to think too much about Mother Love Bone. Me and Stone had never talked about it again, after that day at the cabin. “I, um. I don’t know.”

“Yeah,”Kurt said, seeming distant somehow. “Fuck, man.”

“Well, I’m glad the tour went well,”I said, awkward. He looked at me, thoughtfully, then said-

“We’re, um - looking at another label.”

“Oh, really?” I stared at him. That was kind of huge. They were the Sub Pop band everybody was talking about.

“Just talking about it, right now. But y’know, you’re leaving town just when it’s getting good.”

“You think so?” 

At the time, it seemed pretty unlikely. Andy was gone. Everybody seemed to be leaving. It was all tinged with sadness, and I felt like I’d gotten there too late, missed everything.

He winked, which was such an un-Kurt thing, and we both laughed. And I still remember thinking, _I really wish I’d gotten to know you better._

“Yeah, I think it’s about to blow up here,”he said, deadpan, and I rolled my eyes and said something like, _sure_. Then we said an awkward goodbye.

And then, a couple days later, I sat on the plane next to Grace, still not really believing I was leaving the country. It was what I’d wanted my whole life, and yet it felt sad, like an ending. _You’re a good writer._ I held on to that, all the way through the hours-long flight, letting Grace sleep on my shoulder as I looked out of the window at the changing sky.

##  **New York City**

##  **April 1994**

The SNL after-party was so loud, I couldn’t hear myself think. And I guess it kind of threw me, when I saw Eddie wearing the K for Kurt on his chest, at the end of the show. It had been a couple of weeks now, but it was still fresh. 

_Grunge icon Kurt Cobain, dead at 27. The rock world mourns its lost prince._

I was standing in line to buy milk at the bodega when I heard, on the tiny, shitty TV behind the counter. The guy fumbling with my change, like he was oblivious. I could see Kurt so clearly, laughing at me as we stuffed envelopes. Normal. Real. He was real, to me. Suddenly my eyes misted up and the guy blinked at me - _You OK, lady?_ I took the milk and walked for miles, still holding it in my hand. Thirty-two blocks, til I felt like I could breathe.

“Sara?” Jeff was looking at me. “You still there?”

I made myself smile. “Uh, yeah. Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Keep telling her about that,”Stone said, and I smiled. I looked over and saw Mike getting drunk with Adam Sandler, both of them laughing too loud, a few people looking. Not for the first time I wondered if Mike was doing OK. He was already drunk when they got offstage and I went to meet them, he grabbed me, calling me _video store girl_ , _you’re the video store girl -_ like we hadn’t had that conversation about five times before in the past couple months.

“It’s all bullshit,”Eddie said, out of nowhere. We all looked at him. He was frowning, shaking his head. “Fuckin’ bullshit.”

Stone and Jeff didn’t say anything, or try make it into a joke. Across the table, Dave was nodding like a puppet. I didn’t know him very well. He was one hundred per cent Texas, and I didn’t get how he had even heard about the drummer gig - Stone said a mutual friend in Dallas hooked him up, though he was weirdly very cagey about who the mutual friend was. 

But Dave seemed OK. He was cute. Young. Maybe a little dumb. And I could sense it in him: that desperate need, to be liked, wanted. I guess Eddie could, too.

“Still think we should all be packin’ weapons, huh?”Eddie said, looking at Dave, then. “The right to bear arms and fuckin’ kill yourself?”

“No, dude,”Dave said, quietly. 

I bit my lip. I wanted to say: _It’s not that simple_. I remembered sitting in the parking lot of a Taco Bell with Kurt, years back, talking about our families. About loneliness, and the sadness that could seep through your childhood until it was a part of you; til it opened up spaces in you that seemed impossible to fill. 

But I didn’t say anything. I just stared at my drink melting into the ice. I was so tired. It had been a long week at work, and it was almost midnight. I wanted to get out of there, just be alone with Stone. I glanced at him, but he was fidgeting, distracted by watching Mike. He said something to Jeff quietly, and then Jeff got up and went over. 

“How’s the new record going?”I asked Eddie, trying to change the subject. He was drunk too, I figured. Drunk and probably just as tired as he looked. Dave drained his drink, got up to go get another. Eddie shrugged.

“It’s, uh, going,”he said. “Kind of blindsided right now.”

“Yeah,”I said. “It’s tough. I worked a little with Kurt, at Sub Pop. Only for a few months, but.” I was aware of Stone looking at me. “He was a good guy. I was shocked too, when I heard.”

“Its all this, man,”Eddie said. “You can’t get it til it’s you, and you’re living it. Then it’s, like- fuckin’ _overwhelms_ you.” He kicked the table leg, made it jolt a little. I steadied my drink. “All the media, the press and their bullshit.”

It felt kind of like a jab at me. Maybe. 

“Yeah,”I said, staying calm. “I don’t know.”

“Yeah. Nobody does,”Eddie said. There was a kind of awkward silence. Then Jeff was coming back over, with Mike, who half-fell into the seat next to me. 

“Think we’re gonna go back to the hotel soon,”Jeff said.

“No, we’re staying!”Mike said, reaching for my drink, which I quickly grabbed. “Aw, you’re no fun, video store girl.”

“Yeah, I know,”I said, wondering how many drinks he’d had. “You should try it.”

“Touche! I love this girl,”he said, putting an arm around me. “God, remember that party at Cornell’s that Christmas? Remember that fuckin’ awkward drinking game? I was like to Mia, did this girl have like a threeway with Jeff and Stone, or like, what’s goin’ on there?” 

He cracked up, and me, Stone and Jeff laughed embarrassedly too, Jeff shaking his head. _Mia._ I hadn’t thought about her in a while. I remembered pushing them to let me do a write up about her in Rolling Stone when she died. How surprisingly painful it had been, too, that loss. Someone so full of life, who’d taken me dancing; who’d loved that town so much. How many times had I walked home that same way? Too many. I’d just been lucky, and she hadn’t. 

“Definitely never had a threeway,” Stone said, and I elbowed him.

“Yeah, honestly that probably would’ve been less complicated,”Jeff said, winking at me. 

“ _Anyway,_ ”I said, quickly. “Good times.”

“I miss those times,”Mike said, leaning back in the seat. “Andy and the sparklers? Like, where did he even _buy_ those things?”

_Peace and love, that’s all I want for Christmas._ I hadn’t thought about Andy in a while. “Yeah,”I said, smiling. “And I actually talked to Meg the other day, she’s opening like a pop up restaurant in Venice Beach-“

“I’m not gonna do any more press til the record’s done,”Eddie interrupted. I frowned, surprised. I knew that he knew Meg- I mean, we all knew that. So it seemed kind of weird. “Like that piece Cameron did last year. That your idea?”He was looking at me. 

Cameron did a big piece for Rolling Stone, a little after the VMAs. Was it _my_ idea?! Back then I was hiding from anything to do with Pearl Jam. Cameron had even asked me to fly to Seattle to help with some of the research and I faked that I had mono. 

I kind of laughed, incredulously. “Uh, no. I mean, I thought it was good though. Really good. I know he loves you guys.” _Cameron at the Raison, just wanting to know us. Cameron after Andy’s memorial, how kind he was. His movie - and the note he sent me at work, the day it was released: “This is not a love story.”_

“I just had enough, man,”Eddie said. “I just wanna keep something for myself.” He raked a hand through his hair. Another awkward silence.

“Well, let’s talk to Kelly about it tomorrow,”Stone said, slightly turning to me. “Hey, um- how are you doing, you want to go?”

I nodded. “Sure.” There was nothing I wanted more, honestly.

“Hey, _you_ should write about us,”Mike said to me, smiling drunkenly. “You should like, write some cool, fucking _book_ about us. I’d buy it. I mean, I’d read that.”

“Uh huh.” I grabbed my bag, from under the table. Eddie was staring hard at me. I focused on checking I had all my stuff, then looked at Stone.

“OK, we’re out,”he said, and Jeff shifted to let us through. “I’ll see you guys downtown tomorrow.”

“Bye!”Mike yelled, too loud, and I giggled as I patted him on the shoulder, smiled at the others. 

“That was kind of weird,”I said, as we got outside, the mild spring air waking me up a little. 

“Eddie’s just, um- dealing with stuff,”Stone said. “It’s been fucking crazy, for a while.”

“Yeah. I know that.”

“Mike, though…”

I looked at him. “Are you, like, worried about him, or-?”

His green eyes, huge and inscrutable in the brightness of the New York streetlights. I wondered if he was thinking about Andy, too. “A little,”he said.

“It’s OK,”I said, taking his hand. “He’s gonna be fine.”

“Let’s go back to the hotel,”he said, abruptly. And I knew we weren’t gonna talk about that anymore. 

“You don’t want to come back to Brooklyn?”

“I will. Next time I will, OK?”

I woke up in the middle of the night, to the quiet sound of Stone on the phone, in the bathroom. I didn’t want to listen, but then I looked at the clock and realised it was 2am. We were both exhausted; we’d fallen asleep right after we had sex, and now, he was out of bed and talking quietly, intensely to someone else on the phone, and I lay there wondering what was going on.

He got back into bed, careful not to wake me, but I touched him gently. “Stone? Who was on the phone?”

“Oh, hey.” He pulled me close. “Just, um. Nobody.”

“It’s 2 am,”I said, blinking. Confused.

He didn’t reply.

“Is everything OK?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s nothing.”

I tensed, I could tell there was something else. He looked at me, his big eyes a little worried.

“You OK?”he said. I stared back, for a long time, and I could tell he was thinking. Neither of us said anything for a while, then he took a breath and said it-

“Alright, fuck - I kind of, um - have somebody, back in Seattle.”

I didn’t get it. 

“You have... like - What do you mean?”

“That night in LA last year, when we… I, um, I had a girlfriend.” He pushed his hair back, kind of nervous. I felt like I wanted to pull away all of a sudden, but I let him talk. “I went back there, and I was gonna end it, but... she was like, really upset, and I guess we kind of kept talking and when I was last home, we saw each other, and…"

I sat up, then, and he was like - “Hey, it’s not, like...”

I shook my head, processing. “No, um, I just didn’t really expect… I mean, I just _assumed_ …"

He tried to pull me into him, and felt my resistance, sat up too and sighed. “Jesus, I don’t know. This whole thing has kinda thrown me, I just... I thought I was never gonna see you again. I didn’t know, like, what to do, or what this was, but- if you want me to end it with her…"

“ _If?”_ I cut in. “I had no idea you were-“

“I know. I know, and I’m gonna end it with her. I just didn’t know, if, like, we’re… I didn’t know… what you... wanted.“

I guess we hadn’t talked about what we were doing, at all. We’d just been enjoying whatever it was between us, that we’d both been missing since nearly four years ago. But we still weren’t _talking._ We still were protecting ourselves, even after all this time. I guess if he didn’t trust me not to leave, that was kind of fair. I sighed, heaviily. “Why didn’t you tell me, like, why did you even kiss me-“

“I wanted to,”he said, immediately. “I’m an asshole - but when I saw you there, it was like.. it just felt like before, and I just... I didn’t get how much I’d fucking missed you til I saw you there.” He tentatively reached out and touched my face, his fingertips tracing down my neck and picking up my butterfly pendant. “It’s been kind of complicated. For me. And - yeah. I’m an asshole.”

_The day Grace left London, she bought me that necklace. The tiny silver butterfly. “This is so you remember, OK?”she said, dumping her stuff to fasten it around my neck. “Remember why they made the butterflies. I think it’s important.”_

“I’m sorry, about your… girlfriend,”I said. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

“She’s not you,” he said. “And it wasn’t... like this.”

“Why’d you shut me out?” I said, then. "Back there in Seattle, I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”

He shook his head. “I, um - I told you. It was a weird time, for me.” His hand found mine, tentatively, and we didn’t say anything for a long moment.”But, like- would you have stayed?” he asked then, looking at me. “Like, for me? If I’d have been any different?

I wanted to say yes, but I think we both knew the answer. Everything had happened for me, since then. If I’d stayed in Seattle, some rock guy’s girlfriend, maybe it wouldn’t have.

I just leaned in to kiss him and he gently pulled me closer, still holding the pendant. I broke away, saying- “Careful with that.”

“What is it?”he said, letting go of it carefully.

I never told him that story, about the butterflies. I thought about telling him now. But- 

“Never mind,”I said, kissing him harder. I wanted to erase the thought of this other girl, the way it just reminded me of all the old hurts, the way my awful ex Logan would cheat on me and then wait for me to find the evidence like always, or sometimes he’d even told me about it. It had been almost six years, and it was still painful. Like that night I found out about Stone and Alicia, a part of me just wanted to run away. I wasn’t going to do that, now. I wasn’t that girl, anymore.

I pushed him down, my hand roughly grazing over his boxers and making him catch his breath, pressed myself against him, holding his wrists. It was charged in a different way than normal, I usually let him set the pace, just got lost in how he could make me feel. He stared at me, his green eyes wide and bright in the darkness. When he tried to move, I held him there, and a smile played at his lips. I pressed myself against his hardness and both of us gasped, softly. 

“Tell me what you want, I'll do anything you want,” he murmured, close to my ear. 

And I felt like I didn’t know what I wanted. Right now, or with us. Did I want to stay up all the rest of the night like when we were younger, trying to make him mine, even though I had shit to do in the morning? Did I want him to be rough or tender - act like this was nothing, or like it was something? Did I want to keep on in this limbo we were living in, since that night last year, neither of us giving entirely - or did I want more?

“What do _you_ want?”I said, my eyes on him, not loosening my grip on his wrists. 

He leaned up to me and caught my lip between his teeth gently, kissed me as he easily got free and flipped me onto my back, gathering me to him as he pushed inside me in one slow motion. His fingers teased my clit as he kissed my neck, gasping my name when he went deeper. I felt myself unfold, like always, the growing heat in the pit of my stomach, and the fact he was so beautiful, and that he was there, with me, not a dream any more, like the last 4 years had all just been a bad dream or something- “I love you,”I breathed between fevered, urgent kisses, my fingernails raking his smooth skin as he hit every nerve inside me. 

He pulled away, breathless - “What’d you say?” - and I realised I'd said it out loud. And that I'd _said_ it.

I just kissed him again, shaking my head- “fuck me,”I whispered, pulling him in closer.

##  **June 1994**

I’d been ignoring the news all day, because of all the stuff about Pearl Jam taking on Ticketmaster - somehow the girls in my office had found out about me and Stone, and I pretty much locked myself in a corner office to work late til he called me saying he was finally in the city. He wanted to meet at his nice hotel in midtown, but I asked him to come to my apartment. I don’t know why - the central air was shitty and New York summer nights were hot, but it was just nice, to be there with him. Almost even like we were just a normal couple, and he wasn’t all over the TV and newsstands.

We lay in my bed, all the windows open, our skin sticking. I could hear the sound of ambulance sirens in the distance, that New York buzz of sound. There were dishes to do, I needed to shower, but I was enjoying the closeness too much to move. 

“The New Yorker want to publish a story I wrote,”I said. I couldn’t keep it in any more. “A story I sent them.”

“That’s wonderful,”he said, looking at me. “You never let me read it, though.”

I nodded, kind of self conscious. “Thanks.”

“Am I in it?”he said, kind of teasingly. 

I opened my mouth, then closed it. There was no point in lying. 

He stopped smiling. “Wait, am I in it?”

I stared at the ceiling, past him. “It’s about, um- Seattle.”

“OK.”

“Kind of about that whole time, I guess. Andy. Stuff like-.”

He interrupted me. “It’s about Andy?”

“I mean, that’s not the whole -“ I felt a shot of panic all of a sudden. “What?”

“How come you didn’t tell me?”he asked. “I mean - you didn’t think it was important?”

“OK, before you freak out, you haven’t read it, so-” I started.

“Yeah. Well, I kind of need to now. You know what it’s like with this band, we really don’t need any more _attention_ right now-“

“Jesus, Stone. It’s a fucking story,”I said, suddenly irritated. 

I remembered sitting up all night writing the story at my kitchen table, how it flowed out of my fingers into the little word processor i’d bought with most of the money I’d saved working at Rolling Stone. 

I remembered what Grace told me, about her promise to Andy. 

And, yeah - the part of me that knew the real reason, why the New Yorker wanted to publish a story by an unknown journalist.

I stared at my hands. All of the warmth of the mood had gone; I felt cold, and anxious. I sat up, hugging my knees to me. Then I felt his gentle fingertips tracing my spine, brushing my hair to one side. His lips on the back of my neck, making me shiver. I turned to look at him and he drew me close, traced my cheekbone down to my lip with his finger.

“I’m sorry. I’m being a jerk. It’s just this fucking record, and all the shit with the band, and-” He shook his head. “Not you.”

I looked at him, not knowing what to say. I really knew how to pick my moments, for everything.

“I know this sounds bullshit but, like, everyone wants a piece of us right now. I mean, you have to be able to see that. If they publish some story about Andy, or me, or whatever, then it’s just gonna get a lot of people talking about us and honestly, I don’t think we can deal with that right now. I mean. I don’t think Eddie can.”

“OK,”I said, quietly.

“So, um-”

God, we were both so awkward. I started to say something else, but he turned my face to him and kissed me, and I felt everything else go away. I’d worry about the story, another time.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *little smut warning*

##  **MEG  
  
** **San Diego, 1990**

Eddie’s apartment, stumbling distance. My sneakers stumbling through broken glass, me shrieking, Eddie scooping me up like I weighed nothing, and carrying me to the threshold. Us standing outside the door, drunk, laughing. The buzz of too many beers. Both knowing what was gonna happen. _Don’t be dumb._ I heard Chris’ words in my ear. That felt so far away. So long ago now. And I needed to move on. I needed to put it behind me. Chris. Who I was, before. What happened to Andy.

I leaned in and kissed Eddie; felt him unmoving for a few seconds before he responded, his hands on my waist. His lips were so soft, the tang of beer and lime, that faint salt taste. I felt his tongue run over my lips to part them and I melted into it, the warmth of his body against mine. We broke apart for a moment.

“I, um-“he said. “Is this-“

“I don’t know, is it?”I said, suddenly feeling shy, out of the blue. 

He stared at me, and nodded, slightly. After a long kiss he opened the door and pulled me inside, through to the dark, messy living room. The couch was hard but I barely even noticed. He pressed his body to mine, his dry waves falling against my face and I brushed them back. The nearness of him had this effect on me like nothing else. When he gently bit on my bottom lip, I moaned softly into the kiss, felt his body respond to it. I forgot about everything else, even about Jack. All I wanted was Eddie, right then. 

I reached down between us and touched him through his shorts, he broke away, gasping. I sat up, my eyes on him as I pulled my top off slowly, then my skirt. I was still wearing my bikini from the beach where we’d met, I knew I smelled like the ocean, like sunscreen, I didn't feel like the old me anymore, which was totally cool. Eddie’s eyes were wide and bright on me, in the near-darkness. He moved to touch me but I pulled back, smiling. I was drunk and brave. I was in control.

“Take your shirt off,”I said. 

He looked back for a moment; then he did it. His body was fucking perfect, his hair fell around his shoulders in messy waves and his eyes were like nothing else. He was so beautiful. 

“Now your shorts,”I said. 

He undid them and slid them off, his boxers too. He was so hard. Then he sat up and reached for me, and I didn’t move. His fingers traced the outline of my jaw, down my neck and skimmed over my nipple through my bikini top. I reached back and undid it, slipped it off my shoulders as he stared at my body. Maybe I heard a soft groan in the back of his throat. Eddie’s hand brushed over my skin and I closed my eyes as his hands slipped my panties down my hips.

“Hey, look at me,”he murmured. I did, and we stared at each other, then we both laughed, breathless, not able to believe how it was between us, completely caught up in the moment and each other. 

I felt his hand gentle between my legs, brushing lightly against my core with his fingertips, making me tense and cry out softly at his touch. Then he kissed me again as he entered me slowly, both of us letting out a moan, his hands finding mine as he pushed all the way deep inside me, his hips rocking against mine.

He wasn’t like the other guys I’d fucked. He was tender; he listened to the sounds I made. He was a guy who’d been someone’s boyfriend for a long time. I pushed that thought away. My hands tracing the faint ridges of his abs, I covered his chest with kisses everywhere I could reach, shivering at the feel of his rhythmic thrusts. He used his fingers to circle my clit as the feelings built, his eyes on me all the time until I came hard, gasping out his name into the silence of the apartment. A little later he pulled out, jerked himself a few times then came in his hand, gasping, his perfect face and body sheening with sweat in the faint security light from outside. I stared at him, panting, still coming down. 

“That was, um...”he said, smiling almost shyly.

“Yeah, it was,”I said, my body still vibrating with the sensations. And the sense that I wasn’t myself anymore, somehow.

“Uh. I’ll be right back.” 

He got up, a little awkwardly moving me off, and went to clean up. I just lay there. I knew I’d fucked up. I knew I’d totally betrayed Jack, and that Eddie might be feeling that way about Beth too.

After what seemed like a long time Eddie came back, lay down beside me and kissed me again, I could feel his heart beating fast. Mine too. We lay in the dark silence, not speaking. Eventually I felt his arms come around me again, holding me more carefully. The lightest brush of his lips on my hair. 

“It’s OK,”he whispered. I nodded, even though I was starting to think maybe it wasn’t.

When I got home, the next day, I cleaned Jack’s apartment, top to bottom. I made his favorite meals and put them in the freezer. But I knew it was bullshit. I knew I was gonna have to tell him what happened; hurt him, probably. He was my _friend._

I sat on the stoop in the warm evening. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I was just missing everything. This city felt like it was swallowing me up sometimes.

##  **SARA  
  
** **Atlanta, August 1994**

The Atlanta night air was heavy, and as we walked back down the street I felt it weigh on me. We’d been out for dinner with Eddie. I could tell he was still stressed out, about the Vitalogy record, about the bullshit surrounding the band right now - the Ticketmaster thing, the “ _tensions pushing Pearl Jam to breaking point_ ” . I sidestepped his questions about my story coming up in the New Yorker, said it was _semi autobiographical_ and left it at that, conscious of Stone looking at me as I concentrated hard on my menu.

I still hadn’t let him read it, I knew he was mad about it, but I didn’t want to let it go. It was _our_ story. And I’d made a promise to Grace.

“I love to write,”Eddie said, nodding. “I remember when some asshole stole my fuckin’ notebooks in Europe, couple years back. Man, that was tough for me.” 

I’d read about it in some article; not even that was private information, it seemed. I nodded sympathetically. “I can imagine. You never got them back?”

“Heard someone was selling them on the street in New York City,”he said, his blue eyes inscrutable. “What the fuck, man. Wonder what he got for ‘em.”

“Capitalism at its finest,”Stone said, dryly. I still didn’t think he and Eddie seemed 100% comfortable around each other. It was just a feeling I got. They were so different, as people. Hard not to remember how Stone and Andy bounced off of each other; their easy, obvious affection. 

“So, you like it here?”I asked. “Atlanta, I mean?”

Eddie shrugged. “It’s OK. Pretty much just see the inside of the studio, or the airport, you know?” He poured himself some more wine, offered me some but I said no. “Airport has a great Hawks merch stand, though.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You don’t really strike me as a sports fan.”

“No?” I smiled, raising an eyebrow as I sipped my water. “Guess I’m more of a Knicks girl.”

“Thought you were from Seattle,” Eddie said, raising an eyebrow.

“Cleveland, actually,”I said. 

“Midwesterner?”

“Kind of,”I said, smiling. I noticed, not for the first time, how cute he was, charming when he wanted to be; and couldn’t believe I was kind of blushing under his intense stare. I glanced sideways at Stone, and saw him chuckle, incredulous. I put my hand in his under the table and squeezed it.

“Crazy how you guys hooked up again,”Eddie said. I could tell he was a little drunk, his eyes hazy. “Destiny, huh?”

“Small world,”I said.

“Smaller than I thought,”he said.

I didn’t get it. “Well, you guys are kind of hard to avoid.”

“Yeah, if you’re a journalist.” 

“Sara- you tell Eddie about your interview with Pete Townshend?”Stone interrupted. I was glad he’d broken up that particular topic, which was obviously a sore one. “She’s meeting your guy!”

“Townshend? Fuck, man.” Eddie’s eyes creased up with the hugest smile. “Keep bugging Neil to introduce us. Hey, didn’t you meet Jimmy Page too?”

“Iggy Pop, though,”Stone said, squeezing my hand. “Romantic walks on the beach, y’know. The whole thing.”

“I’m sure you charmed him,”Eddie said, smiling at me. “He tell you all his secrets?”

“Uh. Probably not,”I said, feeling kind of self conscious again. I wanted to stop talking about my work. 

Eddie was still looking at me, but now he wasn’t really smiling. “Yeah, we had a writer follow us for a while. Gonna write some book about us. Fucking circus.”

I looked back at Eddie, not sure what to say. Of course I knew about Kim, one of our writers at the magazine, and her time with Pearl Jam. She was a big mouth, wanted her name out there. She’d pitched a lot of articles about them but they never found a home. I doubted she’d even find a publisher for that book. 

The silence seemed to go on and on, then the food arrived. I looked at the wine, while Stone started talking about the new record, how great the producers were in Atlanta, that it was cool to record in different cities. 

“Still pinch myself sometimes,” Eddie said, warming a little. Stone nodded emphatically, and it made me smile because just seeing him so happy, after everything that had happened before with Andy, was still everything to me. “Sometimes think, if Jack hadn’t passed me that tape…”

I looked up at him then, interrupting - “Wait - Jack?”

He nodded. “Jack Irons, you know him?”

I shook my head. “Um, not really, but - like, wasn’t it…” I started, but Eddie just looked back at me with those vivid blue eyes, giving zero away. 

“Destiny,” Eddie finished for me. “That’s what it was. Beth and me say that all the time.”

“Huh,”I said, pushing my food around my plate. “I guess so.”

And Eddie was fine, the rest of the night. Funny, self deprecating. Kissed my cheek when we said goodbye. But I didn’t get it. I felt like there was something I didn’t get. 

“You OK?”Stone said, as we got back to the hotel. I knew I’d been quiet.

“Uh, yeah,”I said, pushing back a sweaty strand of my hair. “That was… fun.”

“He’s been having some issues with Dave, feel like it’s gonna blow up pretty soon.”

“Issues?”

Stone shook his head. He never _really_ talked to me about stuff like that, in the band. Not even now, eight or nine months down the line. I remembered how open he’d been, when we were younger. But that was a different us, different time.

“The thing he said, about the demo tape,”I said, after a kind of weird pause. “I mean, like, I know it doesn’t _matter,_ but-“

"What thing?”Stone said. I glanced at him, but he seemed kind of neutral. I didn’t answer. Then, after a while I said-

“Y’know I was thinking about something Bruce Pavitt said to me, years ago,”I said. “At Sub Pop.”

“Yeah, what was that?”

“ _Rock n roll is myth_ ,”I said, gesturing dramatically. Stone laughed, kind of humorless, and I smiled too, remembering Sub Pop. “Do you think that’s true?”

“I don’t think that really, like - means anything,”he said, dryly.

“You know Jack didn't give Eddie that tape,"I said.

“Huh,” he said, not biting. We were almost at the hotel.

In the room, I climbed into his lap on the bed as he got undressed, needing to be close to him all of a sudden. I had enough on my mind without things being weird between us. Stone smiled, kissed me softly. “Oh, hi.”

“Hi,”I said, my hands slipping under his shirt, his skin so warm. 

_“_ I feel like the luckiest guy in the world sometimes,”he said, touching my face. I tried not to blush. “The band, then - this. You.”

I took a breath. I had to just say it. _Just do it._ “Well, you might wanna reserve judgment on that,”I said. He pulled away slightly and looked at me. 

“I’m, um - late,”I said, finally.

“What? What do you-“Stone started.

“Late. You know.” He was staring at me. “It's probably nothing, but-”

“We were being careful,” he said.

“Well. Not always.”And I felt so stupid, for not being more careful, really. “But like I said. It’s probably nothing.” 

“OK. Do you wanna like, take a test, or…”

“Yeah, I guess I’ll, um… take a test.”

He nodded. I could see his mind working behind his eyes. But then, his hand was taking mine.

“How d’you, like, feel about it?”he asked. “If it was-“

“I don’t know,”I interrupted. “Kind of been trying not to feel anything about it, really. Except just kind of… worried. I mean, I’m not really set up for a baby,”i said, a dumb joke again. “Maybe it could sleep in my underwear drawer.”

He laughed. Like, at me. He seemed happy, which kind of threw me. “I don’t think you need to worry about that.”

“Why, because you’re this big rock star?”i said, smiling, but it came out with more an edge than I intended. A frown flickered across his face, but he didn’t pull away. I recovered - “Uh, I don’t know. I always saw myself having a baby, but I mean, I just got a promotion, and, um - my story- like, i even thought about trying to turn it into a book-“ I bit my lip, I didn’t want to get back into that right now. “I guess, um- how do _you_ feel about it?”

Stone stared into space, like he did when he was thinking about something. I found myself nervous again. “I mean, it’s not what I had planned, exactly,”he said. “We’re halfway through making the record, things are kind of weird with the band- and, I mean, I’m in Seattle. You’re in New York,”he said, looking at me. “But maybe, this would be… good, you know?”

“This?” My mind was racing. I hadn’t expected him to react like that, I guess. 

“Yeah.”

“I’m supposed to move,”i said, then. “Like, next month. To this place in the Village. Its like, my dream apartment. I mean, I need to keep working, like- I have it all planned out, with my job, and my writing, and the rent-” I’d loved it as soon as I saw it. An elevator. A real, modern shower, huge windows. Next to my favorite book shop. It was just as tiny as my place in Brooklyn, and cost nearly twice as much month to month - but I loved it.

“I’ll buy it for you,”Stone said.

I stared at him. _“What?”_

“I’ll buy it for you.”

“That’s _crazy._ ” 

Even though I knew, to him, it wouldn’t seem crazy. It probably wouldn’t even be that big a deal. I had no idea what to say. Then he said-

“But I think we need to talk, about, like, what we’d do. I think, um - if you are, like… pregnant… and you want to keep it, then - it might be time. To talk about you moving back to Seattle.”

I sat up, suddenly panicked. “ _Me_ moving?”

“I mean, I already have a house there,”he said. 

It was very nice. I’d been there once. The neighborhood was quiet and well-to-do. I didn’t spend a lot of time outside of it, that had been a quick visit. On my way to the airport I asked the cab driver to take me past my old building in Queen Anne, but the blue geraniums weren’t there anymore.

“I don’t-“I started.

He could tell I was stressed, because he touched me gently again, on the shoulder. “I mean, let’s just take the test first.”

”I have a job here. My life’s here. Wait, do _you_ want a baby? Like, actually want one?”

He drew back a little and looked at me, calmly. “I’m not freaked out, OK?”he said.

“ _I_ am.” 

I was trying to calm down. He pulled me close and I looked up at him, thinking how beautiful he still was, and that ache in me for him, after all this time. Then he kissed me, and I could _feel_ it, I thought - _maybe this is where we were always meant to end up. Together, like this, after everything. Maybe, this is where we choose each other._ His hands grazed over my body, his kiss was so tender. I just wanted him, I didn’t want to think. I tried not to think about the life there might be between us.

Later, he got dressed and went out to the 24-hour drug store near my apartment. I told him not to, promised I’d do it when I got back to New York the next day, but he didn't listen. He put 2 pregnancy tests down on the bed next to me. I stared at them. 

“I just want to know,”he said. “I can’t, like, let you leave here tomorrow, not knowing.”

I nodded, then picked them up and went to the bathroom. The instructions were bright and breezy, _just hold the stick in your urine and wait 2 minutes._ What was so hard about that? I must have sat there for a full ten minutes before I even attempted it. 

When I opened the door, Stone was still sitting there on the bed. He got up and came over to me immediately. My hands were empty. I’d thrown the stick in the trash. And suddenly, I was about to say it to him. The thing I said once, before I even knew I really felt it or that I was gonna say it, and then didn’t ever say to him again. _I love you._ I wanted him to say it, too. I needed it. Everything felt like it was going off course, like there was no way we could just be together, just be happy, even now. But I just said-

“It’s negative.” 

We stared at each other.

“Oh. OK,”he said.

“Thank God, right?!” I said, cracking a smile. Suddenly, so relieved.

Stone didn’t react for a second, then he smiled too, though it didn’t seem to reach his eyes.

“That’s, um. That’s good,”he said. 

It was awkward, which was terrible. I could hear the traffic noise outside, the sound of an airplane, reminding me we’d be apart again soon. I went past him to the bed, and got under the rumpled sheets, suddenly cold. 

“I’m really tired,” I said, watching Stone. He nodded, and went into the bathroom, shut the door. He was in there a while. When he got back into bed, I pretended to already be asleep, and he turned over on his side away from me. 

I was half-awake the next day when he kissed my cheek and whispered that he’d call me in New York, but then I fell right back to sleep - and when I woke up alone a few hours later, the silence felt heavy, like a blanket I didn’t need. I got my period the next day, and the relief washed over me all over again as I packed up more of my stuff ready for the move back across the river.

##  **STONE  
  
** **Atlanta, September 1994**

We were still going into the studio, putting the finishers on the record. Even after Dave went, it wasn’t done. I kept thinking about that day in the dinerwith him. I’d said I’d do it, but it was the last time I was ever gonna do something like that. I was done with being the middle guy. Dave’s eggs congealing on the plate, his face. Like, _What do you mean, another drummer?_ That was tough, in the middle of everything with Sara. The way I felt when she told me she might be pregnant, it came out of nowhere. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

We were in the rec room, a few doors down from the recording stuff. Ed was zoned out, headphones on. Jeff had gone to make a call, and Mike was kind of napping on the couch. I was trying to read, some dense Swedish translation thriller I’d been carrying around in a guitar case for what seemed like forever. Not really focusing on the pages. I was so tired, we all were. This record hadn’t flowed like the others, and it kind of worried me.

Kelly came in, stood in the doorway, awkwardly, like he did when he had some bad news. “Uh, Stone, you got a minute?”

“Um, yeah.” I got up, Eddie didn’t react at all. He was staring at the wall, the tinny music leaking out too loud, like he always had it. I threw the book on the chair where I’d been sitting and ducked out of the room, stood in the corridor with Kelly. “What is it?”

Kelly cleared his throat. “Well, ah. I got a call from the New Yorker today.”

I thought of Dave right away. I knew he was pissed, but I didn’t know how pissed, exactly. “Oh, yeah? Was it about Dave?”

“Um, no, actually.” Kelly pushed his thinning hair back from his face. He looked older, I hardly ever noticed, but today he did. “Not Dave. It’s about a story they’re printing. It’s about, well - there’s some stuff about Andy. You guys, and Andy.”

I stared at him. The New Yorker. _Sara._

“It’s just more… personal than we would necessarily wanna go, right now. It goes into a bit of detail about Andy, about the end of, uh, the band. It’s not _derogatory._ I mean, it seems… factually correct.”

“Oh,” I said. I was thinking about Andy, for the first time in a while. I used to think I saw him in the grocery store, used to hear that last voicemail he left me in my dreams a lot. _I’m sorry. I know you’re listening to this and thinking what a chode I am. Just not feeling up to it, tonight. But hey, gimme a call when you wake up. I’ll be here. We could do something._

“So, we’ll just go _no comment_ when it’s published,”Kelly said.

“Right.”

“I’ll talk to the other guys, uh- Jeff-“

“I’ll talk to them,”I cut him off, and he nodded; he got it. Then, we went back through to the studio - but I couldn’t focus, kept fucking up. I was trying not to think, like I had done the past couple weeks, about what might’ve happened if that pregnancy test had been positive. Trying not to think, _why didn’t you let me read that story?_ I was so pissed at Sara; but I really wanted to see her, right then. 

I called her a couple times and finally got her late. She sounded tired, kind of stressed out. 

“How was the day?”she asked, with a cute little yawn. I couldn’t help smiling.

“It was OK. The session drummer they got is pretty cool.”

“That’s good.”

“You in bed?”

“No, just kind of writing. Working on this book idea, actually,”she said.

I stared at the wall. “Oh, right.”

“Missing you,”she said.

_Fuck._

“I miss you, too.”

Suddenly, the story thing didn’t even fucking matter, not even how pissed Eddie had been, walking out of the studio when he heard about it; or how awkward I felt, because it was _my_ girlfriend. If that was even what she was. It was still hotels and planes and fucking intense sex, and talking about music, but not my music, or about books, but not her book, and like - that was draining, sometimes. Sometimes, I even missed how easy it was with Kate, my ex in Seattle. She was cute, she had no drama. She was there, whenever I needed her.

“So, um - did you ever, like - think, about what we talked about, before?” I asked. Focusing on the patterns on the wallpaper. Beige and cream, faded geometric shapes, like every other hotel we’d been in the past year.

“About…?“

“About you coming back to Seattle. Like, to live,” I said.

She sighed, didn’t say anything for a long time.

“I live in New York,”she said. “My whole life is here.”

Some of the wallpaper was peeling at the edges. I flattened it with my finger, held it down. Through the wall I could hear the noise of a TV turned up too loud. Other people’s lives.

“I want us to be together,” I said.

“Stone-“

“Like, wasn’t that the whole thing? When we, like-”

“What do you-“

“Started up, again,” I finished, talking over her. 

I pictured her frowning. I could just see it. I didn’t like where this was going. And suddenly, I was so sick of missing her. Of whatever the fuck it was with us, still. What did I have to do? Leaving Kate; I’d just given her a key to my house, i’d met her parents. And then all those early flights, late night phone calls; telling _Jeff_ about it, Jesus.

And those years we were apart, I was so angry with her for leaving, and I’d never even told her that. Because I just wanted her. I loved her. Didn’t she get that yet? I was waiting for her to say it again. I knew I’d heard her say it, that time. But she never did, and it fucking killed me.

“I’m not saying _never_ ,”she said. “There’s just a lot of stuff I want to do-“

“What, like - write about me?” I cut in.“The New Yorker just called Kelly to fact check your story, by the way.”

She sighed. “Look, it’s-“

“That what your _book_ is gonna be about too? The Seattle Scene? Some god damn ‘redemption story’? What, maybe drag Andy’s mom through that whole thing again? Or is it just like, how it was to fuck Jeff _and_ Stone from Pearl Jam?” 

I didn’t even know where that anger came from. Somewhere pretty deep, I guess.

“If you even stopped thinking about yourself for one second, maybe you’d let me explain, about my story, or about, like, Grace and Andy-“she started.

“OK, don’t talk about Andy, alright? You didn’t _know_ him.”

“Look, Stone. This is my _life_ , OK?”she said. And now she sounded angry, too. “My career. My _home_. Like, for the first time ever, I’m not just revolving around what other people want.”

“Oh, OK. Is this about some apartment? That I said I would _buy_ for you?” 

“ _Jesus_ , Stone! That’s the whole fucking thing, you can _do_ that! You’re the rockstar, you’re the one who sold a million records. What about _me_? Like, what about what _I_ want to do?”

I walked into the bathroom, picked up the little bottles, not reading them. It was a nice hotel, but i’d been in nicer. She kept going-

“You want me to pull my story? Because, what, it might be hard for you? I mean, how is this any different, really, than when I was twenty years old and I had to sneak around and lie to my friends because of _your_ band, or what _you_ needed? ”

I stared in the bathroom mirror. I needed a haircut. I looked tired. I _was_ tired, of all of it. I didn’t get it: why she'd want to write about that. I just wanted to look to the future. I didn’t ever want to go back there again.

“Yeah. I want you to pull the story,” I said.

“Listen… I can come to Atlanta next weekend, or-“ She didn’t finish. “I don’t know. Maybe we can work this out-“

 _Her in my arms. Her laugh. How it felt, when I first saw her again, at those stupid awards._ I still felt it. I never stopped. Why did it still feel like there was something in the way?

“Do you want to be with me, or not? Like, really _do_ this, no bullshit? Or, what, you just wanna run away again?” I cut her off. And it came out harder than I meant it to, and I regretted it; but it was already done. It was out there.

She didn't say anything for a minute, then -

“Stone, I don’t think this is gonna work,” she said, so quiet I almost couldnt hear.

I waited for a minute, maybe a little more. There was just static on the line. I could hear the sirens in the background, a whole other city. I hadn’t felt this way in a long time, and it scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what to do, at all.

_Fuck it._

_Let her go._

“Yeah. I don’t think it is,” I said.

Then I hung up.

##  **GRACE**

##  **Seattle Center, 1986**

I was winding the film in my camera, Andy was still talking about his band and stuff as walked slowly back from the science museum into the city. He had band practice, I’d promised to go see _Labyrinth_ with Alicia for like the six hundredth time, she loved that movie so much, but deep down I just wanted to spend some more time with Andy. Being with him was all I needed, right then. He always made me laugh.

“And it’s cool, I mean, I love ‘em, Regan and Kev, but- Kind of feel like I’m ready for something new,”Andy said.

“Like a new band?”I asked, kind of surprised. I mean, Malfunkshun had been together longer than any of the bands in Seattle. Everybody knew them.

“Maybe. I just, um - the whole thing we do, it feels a little… old.” He shrugged. “You see what’s coming out of LA now, and you think, OK, _that’s_ what people are doing now. It’s just bigger. like, in every way. Bigger shows, bigger songs.”

“I like you guys,”I said. “Nobody else is doing anything like you.”

“I just want it to be bigger,”he said, thoughtfully. “Like - I wanna do something _great_ , you know?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I get it.”

“I guess, I just don’t want anyone to forget about me.”

I looked at him.

“I don’t know why, but - that always kind of scared me. Thinking maybe no one would even notice, if I was gone.”

“Forget you?! No _way_. Nobody ever will. You’re our _guy_!” 

I really fucking meant it. And it was true. He was everybody’s friend. Everybody kind of wanted to look like him, be like him. He made us feel good. He made us feel like there was something special going on, here.

“Nobody’s ever gonna forget you. I won’t let them,” I said. 

Then he slung an arm around me, and I couldn’t stop smiling. “That a promise?”he said. 

“I promise.”

“OK. Cool. You know what happens if you break a promise?”

“What?”

“ _Terrible_ fuckin’ things. Like, a unicorn will drop dead. And that’s on you.”

I giggled. “Shit, OK. I won’t break it.” 

We’d gotten to the end of the park, the noise of Broadway bringing us back to reality. I wished I could just go develop the photos I'd taken, Andy walking on the fountain, us being silly. I couldn't wait to see them.

A magpie landed ahead of us. “Oh, no,”I said. “Only one.”

Andy looked at me. “Huh?”

“That kids rhyme. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a-“ He was staring at me, shaking his head mouthing “ _what the fuck_ ”, and I blushed, laughing. “Hey, my mom and dad are immigrants who put their full trust in the English kids books they learned out of, OK, so- don’t ruin my childhood.”

He cracked up. “OK, so wait, what is it? One for sorrow, two for joy-“

“Oh hey, there’s another one right there!”I said. “Two for joy.” I smiled. “That’s for your new band. I think it’s gonna be good.”

“Phew. That was close. I feel like I learn something new every day, dude.”


End file.
